Costs of funerals

[Garga]

I am deeply suspicious and critical of the funeral industry. It drives me batty with how much they charge for things. I hate that our society has created all these trappings around death. I feel like the culture we have around how to mourn and handle death is more designed to line the pockets of funeral homes than to help people grieve in a healthy way. I think it does more harm to the people left behind than help.

 

My mother, my father, my husband, and myself all agree on what we want for ourselves and our loved ones. (My in-laws want more than what the rest of us want, but they've already pre-paid for their funerals.)

 

This is what we want, and it is all that we want. Nothing more than:

 

Someone to take the body to the cremation place.

For the body to be cremated.

For the ashes to be handed over to us to store or scatter as we wish.

 

I'm assuming there's a charge for picking up the body. A charge for storing the body until it can be cremated. A charge for cremating. And...is that it? Is there some other $3000 hidden cost they'd suddenly pull out?

 

I don't want embalming. I don't want a viewing. I don't want a funeral at the funeral home. The church would allow us to have a funeral there and would also help provide food, via volunteers who make food for funerals.

 

How much do funeral homes charge for what I would want? I could call and ask them, but I was wondering what the hive might already know about keeping funerals simple.

 

Am I crazy for wanting something small and simple and decently priced? For not wanting embalmings and viewings and an expensive casket and burial plot? For not wanting an urn that's hundreds of dollars? For just wanting something simple that doesn't burden the living?

Edited May 27, 2016 by Garga_

[Ethel Mertz]

What you want to ask for is "direct cremation." I imagine the price varies from place to place. And, no, you're not crazy. I think it sounds quite sensible. Direct cremation was what we did for both my parents and for my in-laws.

[RoughCollie]

My Mom just prepaid for exactly what you want.  In Atlanta, the cost was a jaw-dropping $4,500.

 

I'd have comparison shopped, big time, but my Mom was not interested in advice or help with that project.

[texasmama]

My grandma and my mom both donated their bodies to be used as cadavers for medical students.  My father has done the same.  There is a small fee associated with this (a few hundred dollars at the time).  When my mom passed away, the medical school sent a respectable looking man in a suit with a van to remove her body.  When the school was finished with it, they cremated her remains and sent them to the cemetary of our choosing.  We buried the box with her ashes in the family plot.  

 

A friend whose husband is a doctor said that before they began the cadaver dissection, they had a moment of silence for the families of the loved ones who had donated their bodies.  I was very touched by this.

[Guest]

What you want to ask for is "direct cremation." I imagine the price varies from place to place. And, no, you're not crazy. I think it sounds quite sensible. Direct cremation was what we did for both my parents and for my in-laws.

 

This is exactly what I want as well. My understanding is that a lot of this varies state by state- there are different regulations and fees. Some issues are environmental, some are political. Guessing that's its own hotbed of issues I don't even want to think about. 

 

As for the trappings around death- I personally find most of what goes on today excessive too, but I think our outlook isn't the norm, because otherwise there wouldn't be a booming funeral industry. There would be pine boxes or urns and quiet remembrances at homes. If it makes you feel any better, remember that our society doesn't have anything on the previous civilizations. I think that sort of thing comes and goes. It is definitely a profitable industry, but I think that always happens anytime people have extra money to spare. If you have a booming civilization and can spare people to be dedicated to such things as their life's work, someone, somewhere is always going to want a monument. 

[kewb]

My parents purchased burial plots in advance which helps with the costs at the end.  I think there is a lot of opportunity for fleecing grieving people.  I don't think all funeral homes are criminals but the bad apples sure do spoil the bunch.

 

There was a scandal here recently where bodies were being buried in Potter's field after the medical schools were done with the cadavers.  Families were not happy.

 

[Ethel Mertz]

My grandma and my mom both donated their bodies to be used as cadavers for medical students.  My father has done the same.  There is a small fee associated with this (a few hundred dollars at the time).  When my mom passed away, the medical school sent a respectable looking man in a suit with a van to remove her body.  When the school was finished with it, they cremated her remains and sent them to the cemetary of our choosing.  We buried the box with her ashes in the family plot.  

 

A friend whose husband is a doctor said that before they began the cadaver dissection, they had a moment of silence for the families of the loved ones who had donated their bodies.  I was very touched by this.

 

Yes, this. I forgot to say my in-laws both did this.

[Guest]

About $800. That's the rate I have seen in WA and Idaho.

 

BYOBox for the ashes.

[MEmama]

We are a family of "donate us to science then scatter our ashes in the sea". Since I don't feel crazy for having those wishes, neither should you. ;)

[Pawz4me]

My grandma and my mom both donated their bodies to be used as cadavers for medical students.  My father has done the same.  There is a small fee associated with this (a few hundred dollars at the time).  When my mom passed away, the medical school sent a respectable looking man in a suit with a van to remove her body.  When the school was finished with it, they cremated her remains and sent them to the cemetary of our choosing.  We buried the box with her ashes in the family plot.  

 

A friend whose husband is a doctor said that before they began the cadaver dissection, they had a moment of silence for the families of the loved ones who had donated their bodies.  I was very touched by this.

 

I've heard (but certainly don't know that it's true) that as the cost of funerals has gone up more and more people are doing this to the point that medical schools often have more cadavers than they can use.  So I think probably nobody should assume they'll be able to do that.

 

Garga, I don't think your plan is awful at all.  Minus any kind of funeral it's what I want to do.

 

When my mother passed away a few years ago we did the traditional funeral route per her request.  But the funeral home had what essentially amounted to a menu -- different options listed on the left, price on the right.  The place we used is locally owned, not a chain.  But I would think you could pick up a "menu" at most funeral homes and compare prices.

Edited May 27, 2016 by Pawz4me

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

Costco sells urns and caskets. They may have other services as well. it is tempting to buy an urn in advance!

[SparklyUnicorn]

We are a family of "donate us to science then scatter our ashes in the sea". Since I don't feel crazy for having those wishes, neither should you. ;)

 

I seriously once looked into donation.  Problem is you can sign up, but whether or not they want your body at that point in time is another story.  They don't want just any body. 

[Guest]

 

:::snip:::

 

 

When my mother passed away a few years ago we did the traditional funeral route per her request.  But the funeral home had what essentially amounted to a menu -- different options listed on the left, price on the right.  The place we used is locally owned, not a chain.  But I would think you could pick up a "menu" at most funeral homes and compare prices.

 

When my father died last year, in a different state from me, I called three funeral homes; Dad wanted direct cremation, and we left it to the funeral home to supply the ashes box.  I did all of my research and discussions over the phone and had no one referring me to any one place or another.  

Here is what I found:  

 

FH#1:  $5,000 base fee.  And then if you wanted them to do a program, $100.  I can't remember every item, but everything I asked for was an upcharge.  A video was like $500.  If you wanted a reception, add $1,000.  It was unbelievable.  The facilities are apparently very nice, but we're not all that fancy a people...

 

FH#2:  $3,000 base fee.  But it pretty much covered everything; at least they weren't nickel-and-diming us.  

 

FH#3:  $1,200 base fee.  INCLUDING use of their onsite chapel, and they included a coffee-tea-punch reception in that cost.  They sent us to Guys They Know to do the video and that was $200, including 20 copies on disk.  They did the programs for $20.  We asked if they had a piano, and they did but were not sure that it was in tune.  So they had it tuned.  This was a family-run business.  I LOOKED for a family-run business because our parish works with one here in town which is just wonderful.  I think the total, including use of the chapel, came to $1500.  

 

All of them had a special rate for veterans.

 

My gut on this going in and my confirmed takeaway is that you look for a family-owned business.  

 

And truly, the quickest way to cut to the chase is to ask for an Orthodox Jewish plan, but with cremation instead of burial.  Orthodox Christians ask for the Orthodox Jewish arrangements, which, with the exception of cremation, are similar (from the POV of the funeral home) to what you are asking.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Lot of local places don't list their prices.  I found one that does:

 

Cremation Services Include

• Transportation of the deceased to the crematory
• Obtaining certified copies of death certificate
• Assistance in filing for VA & Social Security Benefits
• Rigid container (for the return of the cremated remains)

Only $695 - $1395

[TranquilMind]

I am deeply suspicious and critical of the funeral industry. It drives me batty with how much they charge for things. I hate that our society has created all these trappings around death. I feel like the culture we have around how to mourn and handle death is more designed to line the pockets of funeral homes than to help people grieve in a healthy way. I think it does more harm to the people left behind than help.

 

My mother, my father, my husband, and myself all agree on what we want for ourselves and our loved ones. (My in-laws want more than what the rest of us want, but they've already pre-paid for their funerals.)

 

This is what we want, and it is all that we want. Nothing more than:

 

Someone to take the body to the cremation place.

For the body to be cremated.

For the ashes to be handed over to us to store or scatter as we wish.

 

I'm assuming there's a charge for picking up the body. A charge for storing the body until it can be cremated. A charge for cremating. And...is that it? Is there some other $3000 hidden cost they'd suddenly pull out?

 

I don't want embalming. I don't want a viewing. I don't want a funeral at the funeral home. The church would allow us to have a funeral there and would also help provide food, via volunteers who make food for funerals.

 

How much do funeral homes charge for what I would want? I could call and ask them, but I was wondering what the hive might already know about keeping funerals simple.

 

Am I crazy for wanting something small and simple and decently priced? For not wanting embalmings and viewings and an expensive casket and burial plot? For not wanting an urn that's hundreds of dollars? For just wanting something simple that doesn't burden the living?

 

Hey, I hear you!  I always tell them just to put me out in a trash bag, but unfortunately, this is disallowed by local laws.  ;)

 

It's just a shell anyway.  There is something to be said for saying goodbye and seeing the person who is dead, but you can do that outside of the funeral home ritual. 

 

But the thing is that when it is your family member, you end up doing the expected thing.  I've done it so many times that I have no wish to ever do it again.  I don't care what people think now. 

 

[elegantlion]

Another option is to look into more rural funeral homes. We found the prices where my dad's funeral was held to be acceptable considering what we'd heard from other place. He had a traditional burial and my mom bought 4 plots, so that upped the price a bit. The biggest shock to us was how much getting obituaries cost. Because my dad had lived and worked in two different cities, my mom wanted the notification in both. I think it ended up being over $600 for both, and one she went with just a bit more than the minimum. 

[TranquilMind]

Costco sells urns and caskets. They may have other services as well. it is tempting to buy an urn in advance!

 

I've jokingly said I'm buying our caskets now to store them in the garage.  Imagine what the neighbors and any contractors who work on the house with think?  ;)

 

[gypsymama]

Well my dh is planning to be buried with his dad in the family plot so his spot is already paid for. There are 3 main funeral homes in that town although we will likely be using the same one his father's services were done in. (This is the one both of our families have used most in the past so it's familiar) There base price for a funeral is $4200 plus casket and misc. fees. They frequently (maybe once a year?) offer a pre-planning package, like right now they have one and it's $6000 with everything included even casket. We plan to pick up one of these packages in the future and do all the pre-planning (hopefully LONG before we need it!)

 

I'm going to be cremated here in our home town now. I did speak with one place here just to get an idea of price. The cremation including memorial with guest book and photo dvd is $2480. A 'direct cremation' with no memorial just the body pickup, cremation, and urn is $1845. 

 

Actually considering the scary prices some funerals come in at if we did pre-planning looks like we could step away with less than $10K for me and dh. Not bad, not bad.

[MEmama]

I seriously once looked into donation. Problem is you can sign up, but whether or not they want your body at that point in time is another story. They don't want just any body.

It's kind of cool to think that so many people find this important they would have their choice of bodies. It's all good to me; if I can be of use--fantastic! If not, that's okay too.

 

My mom is hoping a hospital will take her, she's nervous because she's had several heart attacks and has all kinds of interesting things going on holding her together. She hopes it will be a bonus. ;)

[SparklyUnicorn]

It's kind of cool to think that so many people find this important they would have their choice of bodies. It's all good to me; if I can be of use--fantastic! If not, that's okay too.

 

My mom is hoping a hospital will take her, she's nervous because she's had several heart attacks and has all kinds of interesting things going on holding her together. She hopes it will be a bonus. ;)

 

I don't know that there is so many that they have a huge choice.  Probably it's just some bodies aren't ideal for the reasons they want them.

 

I wanted to do it to save money.  I think it's rather ridiculous to spend money on a dead body.

[eternalsummer]

When my dad was cremated I feel like it was between $500 and $1000 (this was for transportation to cremation place and cremation).  We bought an urn on Etsy for less than $100, and it was beautiful (and handmade!).  We had a memorial service in a house that a local parks system rented out for smallish (less than 100 people) formalish events - it was next to a pond, in some trees, etc.  

 

We did shop around for the cheapest cremation place we could find, as $ was a serious concern then.

[Garga]

It sounds like what I want isn't too difficult to get.  Now that I know what I want and what it's called, I think I'll find out what they charge around here. 

 

The only snag in all this is my in-laws.  I need to have a talk with them so they know what to expect if they outlive one of us.  I don't know their feelings on cremation.  To me it's hands down the most respectful and honorable way to handle the person's remains.  There isn't time for the body to decay, there is no draining of fluids or using pins to keep the face in place.  But I know that some people are against cremation for spiritual reasons. 

 

Time to talk to the in-laws, but they intimidate me.  I am not looking forward to the conversation.

 

[eternalsummer]

I do not want to be cremated, but I also don't want to be embalmed.  I would prefer to just be buried in the ground somewhere the way we buried pets as a child, so the worms can eat me and birds can eat the worms and I can be part of a bird :)

 

I have a feeling that is not legal for some reason, though.

[plansrme]

My family can dump my body in a dumpster for all I care, seriously, BUT I just want to speak to the "burden to the living" argument.  I think it is important, as a society, that we have rituals for death and grieving.  I think we need to be respectful of the body because of what it was just before it became "the body"--the home of a living being.  Recognizing the value of a life includes being respectful of the body that held that life.  Also, funerals aren't for the person who died; they are for the people who didn't die.  And if my family wants to embalm my body and stand it up in the corner, well--who am I to say that's wrong?  I will let them know my feelings on the matter, but it is entirely up to them.  I've seen too many family members comforted by the rituals of death:  the casket and the embalming and the viewing and the funeral and the meal afterwards, and even by the massive sprays of flowers, to dismiss it as hooey.  People care who shows up at a funeral, and they care how their loved one goes into the ground or where their ashes are sprinkled, and I think it's just fine that they do.  

Again, i am not arguing with the premise of this thread; I just think it's important that we recognize that a traditional funeral has value to a lot of people, and they're not wrong for feeling that way.

[SparklyUnicorn]

It sounds like what I want isn't too difficult to get.  Now that I know what I want and what it's called, I think I'll find out what they charge around here. 

 

The only snag in all this is my in-laws.  I need to have a talk with them so they know what to expect if they outlive one of us.  I don't know their feelings on cremation.  To me it's hands down the most respectful and honorable way to handle the person's remains.  There isn't time for the body to decay, there is no draining of fluids or using pins to keep the face in place.  But I know that some people are against cremation for spiritual reasons. 

 

Time to talk to the in-laws, but they intimidate me.  I am not looking forward to the conversation.

 

Well, if it is a matter of them outliving someone, I wouldn't have a problem with them deciding what they want done provided they pay for it if it is above and beyond what you want.  I see this stuff as about the living and not the dead.  KWIM? 

I tell my family do it as cheaply as possible. I don't want them wasting their money on that.  If that doesn't work for them, then fine.  I won't know the difference. 

[plansrme]

I do not want to be cremated, but I also don't want to be embalmed.  I would prefer to just be buried in the ground somewhere the way we buried pets as a child, so the worms can eat me and birds can eat the worms and I can be part of a bird :)

 

I have a feeling that is not legal for some reason, though.

 

I think there are green caskets, as in environmentally conscious, that are designed to let this happen.  Also, if you have land, plenty of states let you be buried on your own land, though maybe NOT in your backyard!

[NCMom]

I am deeply suspicious and critical of the funeral industry. It drives me batty with how much they charge for things. I hate that our society has created all these trappings around death. I feel like the culture we have around how to mourn and handle death is more designed to line the pockets of funeral homes than to help people grieve in a healthy way. I think it does more harm to the people left behind than help.

 

My mother, my father, my husband, and myself all agree on what we want for ourselves and our loved ones. (My in-laws want more than what the rest of us want, but they've already pre-paid for their funerals.)

 

This is what we want, and it is all that we want. Nothing more than:

 

Someone to take the body to the cremation place.

For the body to be cremated.

For the ashes to be handed over to us to store or scatter as we wish.

 

I'm assuming there's a charge for picking up the body. A charge for storing the body until it can be cremated. A charge for cremating. And...is that it? Is there some other $3000 hidden cost they'd suddenly pull out?

 

I don't want embalming. I don't want a viewing. I don't want a funeral at the funeral home. The church would allow us to have a funeral there and would also help provide food, via volunteers who make food for funerals.

 

How much do funeral homes charge for what I would want? I could call and ask them, but I was wondering what the hive might already know about keeping funerals simple.

 

Am I crazy for wanting something small and simple and decently priced? For not wanting embalmings and viewings and an expensive casket and burial plot? For not wanting an urn that's hundreds of dollars? For just wanting something simple that doesn't burden the living?

 

This is EXACTLY what my mother had. It was about $1200 plus a bit more for paperwork (obits) for everything.  She wanted notices in three papers but the crematorium only got billed for two of them so that was maybe $150 total?? They were just small newspapers of course so not too expensive.  She did not want an urn  - we had one to transport for the scattering but the cardboard box worked out.

 

We could NOT get a "funeral home" to do this. I called every other place within a hour's drive. We had to find a crematorium in a a location where people are very alternative/green.

 

hth,

Georgia

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

My family can dump my body in a dumpster for all I care, seriously, BUT I just want to speak to the "burden to the living" argument.  I think it is important, as a society, that we have rituals for death and grieving.  I think we need to be respectful of the body because of what it was just before it became "the body"--the home of a living being.  Recognizing the value of a life includes being respectful of the body that held that life.  Also, funerals aren't for the person who died; they are for the people who didn't die.  And if my family wants to embalm my body and stand it up in the corner, well--who am I to say that's wrong?  I will let them know my feelings on the matter, but it is entirely up to them.  I've seen too many family members comforted by the rituals of death:  the casket and the embalming and the viewing and the funeral and the meal afterwards, and even by the massive sprays of flowers, to dismiss it as hooey.  People care who shows up at a funeral, and they care how their loved one goes into the ground or where their ashes are sprinkled, and I think it's just fine that they do.  

Again, i am not arguing with the premise of this thread; I just think it's important that we recognize that a traditional funeral has value to a lot of people, and they're not wrong for feeling that way.

 

Well see I don't aim to be disrespectful, but frankly once I'm dead I truly do not care. 

 

I personally have never gotten anything through the rituals of death.  I felt like it was more about me having to drag myself there to do stuff I didn't want to do to please other people I didn't care about pleasing.  That probably sounds mean, but that's really how I felt. 

 

I know other people feel very differently. 

[J&JMom]

When my mom passed away 6 years ago here in North Texas, I paid $2,000 for the final arrangments.  That included $750 for cremation, $100 for death certificates, $100 honorarium for the Hospice Chaplain to lead the memorial service that was held in my house for the 10 people who attended, 3 floral arrangments (2 for fireplace mantle and 1 for the "picture" table), and catered food and beverages afterwards. My aunt, her sister, asked about a funeral home. Why? I knew it would be low turnout (my house has hosted 25 before), so why pay all that expense?  And my mom was an atheist so I was pushing the line with a Chaplain as it was so no Church - but again, the service was for us, those left behind, than for her.  The service was short, the food was good, and even had Mardi Gras decorations since the memorial was held on Fat Tuesday - which was one of my mother's favorite holidays. I got her ashes in ziplock bag inside a cardboard box which my Aunt took and buried with her mother and father on another visit. No fee there as she simply dug a hole and put them in. Oh, also purchased a gravestone for $150.  You can have a beautiful remembrance without the expense. More money for my kids' college fund.  

 My brother (who died 2 years ago tomorrow) was even cheaper as there was no memorial as no one would travel in, but the family did chip in for the cremation as he was destitute.

 Another aunt, on my dad's side, died about 12 years ago and her daughter spent over 10K for the visitation,  hearse,limo, casket, service at the funeral home, etc.  Granted she had several dozen attend, but too much for my tastes.

Edited May 27, 2016 by J&JMom

[Garga]

Well, if it is a matter of them outliving someone, I wouldn't have a problem with them deciding what they want done provided they pay for it if it is above and beyond what you want.  I see this stuff as about the living and not the dead.  KWIM? 

I tell my family do it as cheaply as possible. I don't want them wasting their money on that.  If that doesn't work for them, then fine.  I won't know the difference. 

 

 

Well, it won't matter much to them if they outlive me I suppose (and it certainly won't matter to me)...but what if they outlive their son?  He and I want a simple cremation and a simple funeral service at our church. 

 

But however long he's been my husband, he's also their baby boy. 

 

I attended a funeral for a man in his 70s.  His mother (in her 90s) was pretty quiet throughout the ceremony, but right at the end she wailed out, "Oh my baby!  My baby!"  It was so sad.

 

So, if it will cause them untold grief not to be able to do the whole funeral hoopla for their baby, then I will not cause them that grief.  But I won't pay for it.  I just won't.  Both my dh and I find the whole thing bewildering and don't want it for ourselves or our loved ones (such as each other or our children or my parents.)   But if his parents want this for their baby boy, then I won't stand in their way and hurt them. 

 

That's why the conversation will probably be uncomfortable and I'm intimidated about having it with them.  They're good people, but our values about things like money and funerals and things like that don't line up.  At all.  They think we're completely cheap and miserly and think we do things the way we do because we're poor*.  They don't realize we are happy to live thriftily and we find pomp and ceremony to be stressful and not comforting. 

 

 

*We're not poor.  But they think we might be because why else don't we buy more stuff?  We must be poor.

Edited May 27, 2016 by Garga

[SparklyUnicorn]

Well, it won't matter much to them if they outlive me I suppose (and it certainly won't matter to me)...but what if they outlive their son?  He and I want a simple cremation and a simple funeral service at our church. 

 

But however long he's been my husband, he's also their baby boy. 

 

I attended a funeral for a man in his 70s.  His mother (in her 90s) was pretty quiet throughout the ceremony, but right at the end she wailed out, "Oh my baby!  My baby!"  It was so sad.

 

So, if it will cause them untold grief not to be able to do the whole funeral hoopla for their baby, then I will not cause them that grief.  But I won't pay for it.  I just won't.  Both my dh and I find the whole thing bewildering and don't want it for ourselves or our loved ones (such as each other or our children or my parents.)   But if his parents want this for their baby boy, then I won't stand in their way and hurt them. 

 

That's why the conversation will probably be uncomfortable and I'm intimidated about having it with them.  They're good people, but our values about things like money and funerals and things like that don't line up.  At all.  They think we're completely cheap and misery and think we do things the way we do because we're poor.  They don't realize we are happy to live thriftily and we find pomp and ceremony to be stressful and not comforting.

 

I think you are being perfectly reasonable, and I feel the same.  I just want simple and inexpensive.  If my MIL wanted more than that, she'd have to pay for it. 

 

My mother's funeral was fairly low key, but if anyone asked me how I wanted it to go down I wouldn't have done a lot of it.  I basically let my sister make the decisions because certain details seemed very important to her. 

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

And what is with all the flowers at funerals?  When my FIL died everyone insisted on 5 million flower arrangements.  You look at them for a few minutes and then that's it.  Seems like a strange thing to spend a ton of money on.

 

Of course I'm practical to a fault.  DH knows not to buy me flowers.  I don't care for receiving flowers.  It's like here is a bunch of overpriced dead things..have a nice day. 

 

I'm so romantic.  LOL 

[JumpyTheFrog]

Clark Howard recommends joining a nonprofit memorial society to get a bulk discount on funerals.

 

http://www.clarkhoward.com/plan-for-your-funeral-in-advance-to-save-big-bucks

 

About an hour from me is one of those green cemetaries where they dig a hole and you wrap the body in a sheet and lower it in. You get GPS coordinates instead of a headstone. Somehow, they still charge about $3000 for this.

Edited May 27, 2016 by HoppyTheToad

[Garga]

And what is with all the flowers at funerals?  When my FIL died everyone insisted on 5 million flower arrangements.  You look at them for a few minutes and then that's it.  Seems like a strange thing to spend a ton of money on.

 

Of course I'm practical to a fault.  DH knows not to buy me flowers.  I don't care for receiving flowers.  It's like here is a bunch of overpriced dead things..have a nice day. 

 

I'm so romantic.  LOL 

 

 

 

I've thought the same thing.  I think it's my INTJ-ness coming into play.  There's no logical reason for the flowers, so...let's just stop doing the flower thing, 'k? 

 

My DH is also an INTJ so the two of us are content to make our decisions based on logic.  I don't know what my in-laws are, but they do have a strong sense of doing what everyone else does just because everyone else is doing it.  They don't like to be different. 

 

I like being different. I mean, duh: I homeschool. :)

 

I don't mind if someone buys me flowers, but I'm not hurt if they don't either.  But funeral flowers are different.  I don't understand funeral flowers.  Hospital flowers are ok, too, because it's something pretty for the person to look at while they're in a sterile hospital room.  But funeral flowers...nope.  Don't get that.  Because then you take them home and they die and it's just another horrible reminder of death. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

I've thought the same thing.  I think it's my INTJ-ness coming into play.  There's no logical reason for the flowers, so...let's just stop doing the flower thing, 'k? 

 

My DH is also an INTJ so the two of us are content to make our decisions based on logic.  I don't know what my in-laws are, but they do have a strong sense of doing what everyone else does just because everyone else is doing it.  They don't like to be different. 

 

I like being different. I mean, duh: I homeschool. :)

 

I don't mind if someone buys me flowers, but I'm not hurt if they don't either.  But funeral flowers are different.  I don't understand funeral flowers.  Hospital flowers are ok, too, because it's something pretty for the person to look at while they're in a sterile hospital room.  But funeral flowers...nope.  Don't get that.  Because then you take them home and they die and it's just another horrible reminder of death. 

 

Well, it is nice to know I'm not the only one who thinks like this!  It feels odd to say "I hate flowers", but I kinda hate them.  Not hate them growing in their place in the ground, but picked and handed to me...no thank you. 

 

Not that I would be mad if someone gave me flowers.  Except my husband.  He'd be doing it to make me made.  LOL

 

When I worked in a nursing home many years ago, the local funeral homes would send over the flowers after they were done with them.  We'd put them in vases all around the place.  That was rather nice.  Certainly better than just throwing them all out.

[MEmama]

It sounds like what I want isn't too difficult to get. Now that I know what I want and what it's called, I think I'll find out what they charge around here.

 

The only snag in all this is my in-laws. I need to have a talk with them so they know what to expect if they outlive one of us. I don't know their feelings on cremation. To me it's hands down the most respectful and honorable way to handle the person's remains. There isn't time for the body to decay, there is no draining of fluids or using pins to keep the face in place. But I know that some people are against cremation for spiritual reasons.

 

Time to talk to the in-laws, but they intimidate me. I am not looking forward to the conversation.

Yeah, mine wouldn't go for it either. We have our wishes in our will and can just hope they would respect them. My parents do, but I can totally see the in laws having a serious problem with all of it--donation to science, cremation, no service, no pomp. Of course ideally they will never need to know or be confronted with it.

[Guest]

I do not want to be cremated, but I also don't want to be embalmed.  I would prefer to just be buried in the ground somewhere the way we buried pets as a child, so the worms can eat me and birds can eat the worms and I can be part of a bird :)

 

I have a feeling that is not legal for some reason, though.

 

There is nowhere any requirement for one to be embalmed, *especially* for direct burial.

 

Request Orthodox Jewish burial practices and you will get exactly what you want.  

 

As an Orthodox Christian, we share most of the practices (at least from the POV of the funeral director).  No make-up, no cremation, burial in contact with the ground (dust to dust).  

 

More and more places are going with Green Burials which accomplish the same thing...and as a result of this increasing market demand, there are things like wicker baskets and so on for burial.  I know someone who plans to be buried in a "winding sheet".  In cemeteries you still have to get a concrete vault--that is to keep the ground from settling--but it doesn't have to have a bottom, so you / your natural casket are in touch with the earth.  There are "cemeteries in the woods" where I am not sure this is a requirement.

 

MANY FUNERAL DIRECTORS think embalming is legally required (they are not necessarily being insincere in their insistence on doing it) especially if the body is to be transported.  But this is not true.  We just ran into this with a friend's mother, and we called on our resources to inform the out-of-state funeral director, who was very cooperative, just misinformed.  

 

Embalming does great violence to the body and it also involves yucky toxic chemicals that do neither the living nor the environment any good.  And in these days, refrigeration serves the same purpose, which is largely to allow for some delay between death and burial.  Sometimes this is unavoidable; as Orthodox Christians, we do our best to bury on the third day, but in these modern times with scattered families, sometimes that is not possible. 

[FaithManor]

Direct cremation here is about $4000. Dh and I are donating our bodies to U of MI medical center. No transportation costs, not funeral home costs, no cremation or internment costs and hopefully some good comes from our donation.

 

It is not cheap to be buried or cremated around here.

[Annie G]

Mom passed away three years ago in the Atlanta area. We went with Dad to the mortuary.  He paid about $1100 for the body to be transported from hospital to mortuary, cremation, lots of death certificates, and a plain cardboard box for the remains to be brought home. 

 

My nephew is a pastor and he knew someone who would do it for about $500 as a favor to him, but Dad has plenty of money and Mom was already at the mortuary near their home. 

 

They offered -for extra fees- a  viewing for the family or a viewing for family and friends. We did neither.  The various urns were offered but we are weird and used a gallon pickle jar and my sister and I made a quilt to fit it with tiny quilt blocks to represent both Mom and Dad and I embroidered an inscription on it. We'll put Dad's remains in there when the time comes and then figure out what to do with it.   Mom was an avid quilter and so are all of us girls.  It just made more sense than a random urn. 

 

A lot of the cost comes from the casket and the service/visitation, from what we've seen when dh's relatives have passed away. 

 

[creekland]

When I'm gone I don't care what folks do with my body.  My guys know they can donate to science (if an option), bury me where we bury the ponies, or whatever they feel is best.  I don't give a hoot about any services either - they can choose what they want.  I'd rather NOT have them spend a ton of money.

 

My dad has gone over and over with me what his plans are - pretty much every phone call for the past 6 months or so  He's spending $13,000 to have it pre-paid.  That's what prompted me to have the discussion with my guys.  Do NOT spend 13K when I'm gone.  What a waste of $$ IMO.

 

Hubby told me he'd love a Viking funeral.  Put him in a boat and set it out to sea on fire...  He's only half joking.

[hornblower]

We have a few simple cremation businesses starting up here. They charge around $1,000. 

There's also a movement for death midwives or death doulas. CBC Ideas radio program did two episodes on this last year. Death Becomes Us.  Part 1 and Part 2

 

I really liked the idea of the eternal reef but it's not cheap. Your ashes help feed & rebuild the reefs. http://eternalreefs.com/

[Ewe Mama]

Oddly enough, Ram Man and I were just discussing this last night. He was just diagnosed with squamous cell carcinoma on his forehead and today, when he went in for a complete exam, they found an area of suspected melanoma on his back. His chronic anxiety disorder is kicking in to high drive and he is planning his funeral again.

 

I'm all about direct cremation and popping me into a discount urn or burying me somewhere.

 

Ram keeps changing his plans, but they are always expensive.

[The Girls' Mom]

I wonder if funeral expectations/traditions are about to undergo a big shift with our generation.  More and more people seem to be taking a similar view towards minimal fuss.  

 

Personally, the less the better.  I want to be cremated, and they can throw my ashes off a bridge.  I don't want some awful viewing or wake/funeral for my girls to have to stand through while 500 people that barely knew me hug them and tell them how wonderful I was.  I've gone through it with two parents, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.  The last thing I wanted to do was be touched by strangers for hours on end while I just wanted to mourn in peace.  

 

Anyway.  Cremation.  Private ceremony/prayer while disposing of the ashes.  Then a big ol' party for close friends and family to make my kids laugh.  The end.

[Guest]

Direct cremation here is about $4000. Dh and I are donating our bodies to U of MI medical center. No transportation costs, not funeral home costs, no cremation or internment costs and hopefully some good comes from our donation.

 

It is not cheap to be buried or cremated around here.

 

I am not doubting you, but I find that incredibly shocking.  Sheesh.  

 

By the way, in a previous thread, I referred to a situation where a mortician was telling the family they legally HAD to embalm because the body was being transported--that was in MI.  That is NOT the law in MI or in any other state...but it took us pulling our expert (who lives in Georgia) to tell him differently.  

 

It is also not a law that you HAVE to have a casket, that you HAVE to have "legal transportation" for moving a body across state lines...and so on.  These were all "news" to this funeral director and it took the family making a firm and informed stand to get what they wanted...all of which was perfectly legal.  

 

Some FUNERAL HOMES require that you do certain things to use their services, but this is their *business model*--and usually NONE of it has to do with legality.

 

I'm not yelling at you FaithManor; I am yelling because of these kinds of shenanigans and charges.

 

And by the way, The Neptune Society, which does direct cremation, turned out to be much more expensive than the local funeral homes that do the same thing.  Found that out through another friend.  And their customer service was ... terrible.  

[Guest]

Oddly enough, Ram Man and I were just discussing this last night. He was just diagnosed with squamous cell carcinoma on his forehead and today, when he went in for a complete exam, they found an area of suspected melanoma on his back. His chronic anxiety disorder is kicking in to high drive and he is planning his funeral again.

 

I'm all about direct cremation and popping me into a discount urn or burying me somewhere.

 

Ram keeps changing his plans, but they are always expensive.

 

I'm sorry for this situation in your lives.  That is hard to face.

[Alte Veste Academy]

DH and the kids know they have a couple of choices for me. They can cremate me and spread my ashes at sea (perhaps on a cruise, or just at our favorite beach) or make me a tree with a Bios Urn (https://urnabios.com/shop/). They are all old enough to not be freaked out by cremation, which is something I worried about when they were younger. I do not want them to keep my ashes, which in my experience just become an emotional burden. We are of the I came from stardust and wish to return to stardust mindset.

[Ewe Mama]

I'm sorry for this situation in your lives. That is hard to face.

He refuses to believe he's going to be fine (they caught both cancers early on.).

 

I guess planning his funeral is some bizarre therapeutic activity. It gives him some sense of control over it, even though he knows he really isn't.

[Luckymama]

What's with the photo CD? Like someone is going to later look at the pix of Auntie Jo's memorial?

 

Dh wants to be buried feet-down in our backyard. As that is not allowed yet ;) he's compromising with cremation and scattering wherever we want. That's my plan as well.

 

I had to take care of my dad's arrangements. It's all a blur, but I think we spent about $5K plus the food for the at-home reception.

[TammyS]

I want a funeral mass (because prayers for the dead are important) and a DIY funeral.  There is a lot you can do DIY, more than you think (from casket building to transporting the body, to having the viewing in your home, etc), you just have to look up laws in your state. 

[Garga]

Hubby told me he'd love a Viking funeral. Put him in a boat and set it out to sea on fire... He's only half joking.

That's exactly what my dh says. He gets a disappointed look on his face thinking about how he'll never have that flaming boat.