Someone tell me I'm not alone in this! Possibly JAWM.

[GinaPagnato]

I'm in a weird stage of life. My kids are teenagers now, which means I don't have to watch over them all the time and supervise them constantly like I did when they were little.

 

BUT, they still need me to be around for a host of reasons:

 

1) Questions or help with schoolwork

 

2) Driving to/from activities

 

3) Someone to talk to and help work through problems

 

4) Accountability and when needed, correction

 

5) Reminders to keep on task or help getting them back on track with whatever they need to be doing

 

6) To prepare meals (well, dinner)

 

7) To provide a relatively clean and orderly home

 

 

Often I'm in this weird holding position of not really being needed by them all the time, but AT ANY MOMENT I may be called upon for something, and when that moment comes, I really ought to be there.

 

The in-between times aren't long enough for me to do anything particularly enjoyable or fun for me, nor are they long enough for me to get big projects done. So I find myself king of puttering, taking care of mind-numbing tasks in between my responsibilities to them. And I *totally* believe that my presence is needed on those occasions when they need me, so I'm not begrudging it, but it's in fits and spurts, so it feels sort of blah...

 

Anyone else in this season of life?

[Hyacinth]

I could've written your entire post except that I've rediscovered reading, which removes much of the blah.

[marbel]

Sure; I feel that way much of the time.

 

I walk around the house with earbuds in now, listening to audiobooks or podcasts.  I'm getting ahead on housework and small projects like organizing books and such - stuff that needs to get done but can be interrupted without causing a problem.  So I'm getting work done, entertaining myself in a useful way, and am no longer clicking mindlessly on various websites. 

[hornblower]

my post count on here is directly related to this phenomenon. 

[catz]

Yes!  I always tell people having older kids isn't necessarily less work.  It's different work. 

[MysteryJen]

Just posted about this on the tackle thread. It is the "need you now" talks that take up all the time. Even if I am not driving, I am the master scheduling brain for who can use the cars and when. It seems I have less brain power now than I did when the kids were little.

And my available chunks of time are smaller. Activities run later and the kitchen is always a mess.

[wapiti]

Right now my dd6, ds7 and ds9 are much less work than my ds13s and dd15.  Even though they all have a good degree of introversion, I've been noticing that my young teens sometimes want to talk.  A lot.  And if it's something important, like "I don't know what I want to do with my life and I need to decide right now," it's almost always when I want to go to bed.

[Arcadia]

I use that time to grade or check non-urgent homework like their weekly German and Chinese class homework, to play my boys' cello and flute if I am in the mood, to revise my math and science so that I can answer my kids numerous questions.

 

I do get half to one hour stretches at a time usually so it is easy to get some things done compared to when I used to get asked every 15mins or so by my youngest.

[GinaPagnato]

my post count on here is directly related to this phenomenon. 

 

:lol:

[Farrar]

Oh gosh yes. My kids are even a little younger, but I feel this so acutely now and have for the last year or so. Right now, ds is having extreme difficulty with his anxiety levels so the need for me has ramped back up a little, but generally, this is where I feel like I am and I feel like I'm going to be stuck here for a long time.

 

The thing I hate about it the most is the extent to which I can't ever focus on anything for very long. In order to get serious writing or reading done, I need *space* and cushion time. But I don't have that. I feel like all I can do is read a magazine or do a puzzle or post on a forum (hi, everyone!). I can do little cleaning tasks - dishes, sweep up, etc. but not big ones so even though I'm sitting around, the house isn't even super clean! Ugh. And yet there's so much free time.

 

Someone told me I need to take up knitting. Meh.

[lllll]

Yeah, it sounds like that thing where the little ones are more physically exhausting, and the older ones are more emotionally/mentally exhausting.  At least, that's what they were for me.  And, then, before you know it, you've got all the time in the world - because they're gone.  ;)

Edited May 18, 2016 by _ ?^..

[myfunnybunch]

YES!

 

 

[Guest]

I have been feeling that way a lot. My kids are a little younger, but youngest is an independent introvert anyway. These days my house is cleaner, kids are busy with their own stuff or their own friends and I have felt like I'm puttering around a lot. I need to be available, but they don't need me a whole lot. I was actually reflecting on this a lot this weekend as I sat in a clean house wondering what to do with myself while the kids were down the street.

[Annie G]

Like Marbel, I am listening to a LOT of podcasts while I do things like yard work and house renovations.  And like Margaret, I have adult kids who still need me sometimes.  It's exhausting but I'm so glad I can be available.  Having said that, listening to adult children noodle over decisions and not butting in with sage wisdom is not for sissies. 

 

 

[Tess in the Burbs]

Yes!!!!!!! I can't really go get a part time job, but I am bored all day. I can't do hobbies b/c they interrupt too much. I hate this phase. I may start working on a foreign language...

[Miss Tick]

It's called "time confetti" I learned that here somewhere. I feel like I don't even have time to make a list of tasks that would fit in those little scraps time, so I'm unprepared to do anything useful with them. Blech.

[Heatherwith4]

I totally agree with you, and mine are not teens yet. They can do so much for themselves, but when they need me, they really need me. :lol:

[Luckymama]

Oh yes. I feel like I've been in this position for a decade! (Oh wait, I have omg)

 

It's easier now with only one kid left at home. I can better predict when I'll have longer chunks of time to exercise or escape outside garden. I do a lot of article reading, researching, podcast and NPR listening, and random household tasks when I have to remain available.

[KungFuPanda]

I've always been an Instant Responder when it comes to meeting my children's needs.  When they became teens I had to make a real effort to build in some wait time.  Sometimes it really is OK to put THEM in a holding pattern for a bit while you finish a task, chapter, or thought.  I figured if children could become perfectly lovely adults while their mothers worked then my kids could learn to adjust to less-than-instant help from me.  Once I gave myself permission to make that change I got more done in a day.

[J-rap]

Something that has baffled me lately is how even my college-aged students would fit into some of these categories...  Of course, I'm happy to help, but I wasn't expecting it.

[Pawz4me]

Something that has baffled me lately is how even my college-aged students would fit into some of these categories...  Of course, I'm happy to help, but I wasn't expecting it.

 

Often I find that college boy takes more of my time than high school boy.  Like yesterday when he realized he needs to drive back down to school to take care of some paperwork for one of the volunteer positions he holds.  "Want to ride to Chapel Hill with me on Friday?" he said.  And goodness.  How could a mom turn down such an invite from a 20 yo son?  You're asking me to spend time with you at this stage of your life?  Of course!!  Whatever I was planning to do (and I normally have a fairly busy Friday routine) can wait.

[Joyofsixreboot]

Yes.

[madteaparty]

Most of my son's classes are online, the math I just won't do, and my dd is in Montessori school.

I still believe in being around, but i went back to work recently, in an hourly/mostly from home type arrangement. Having to be in the office once a week or so organizes my life a little bit, I guess I needed that post to be leashed to, lol. I hope to keep his hourly arrangement forever!

[Haiku]

So I find myself king of puttering, taking care of mind-numbing tasks in between my responsibilities to them. 

 

I'm not really sure what say since this may or may not be a JAWM, but I will say that it sounds unpleasant to feel like you are chained to your kids, waiting for one of them to need you. My kids are also teenagers (+ one in college), and I don't feel that way.

 

We have set times during which we do school. I am available to them for help during that time. Beyond that, I do not work on school work with them.

 

I have things that I do both at home and outside the home during which my kids know, "This is mom's time, emergencies only." I spend a lot of time with my kids, and we talk a lot, but I am not at their unlimited beck and call. And I don't actually think they need that. They are old enough to understand and employ delayed gratification and know that most things in life are not emergencies requiring mom this instant.

 

I guess I would urge you to find something you would like to devote some time and interest to and do so without feeling guilty. Your life is not defined by your teenagers' moment-to-moment needs and desires.

 

ETA: Teach your kids to cook. Mine each make dinner 1-2 times a week.  :thumbup1:

Edited May 19, 2016 by TaraTheLiberator

[OnMyOwn]

I am in the same place. I feel I need to be home, at a minimum, to make sure school gets done. There are many days that I feel busy working on school-related things for one kid or the other, be it lesson planning or working through a math lesson. But, there is also a lot of down time, which leaves me feeling unproductive and at loose ends. Today, we are at coop, and I will literally be just waiting around for 8 hours. I have found things to fill my time -- reading the newspaper, the daily crossword puzzle, podcasts, painting, reading the boards, but all of that is so recreational, I wind up feeling guilty spending so much time doing those things while my kids and husband (who works from home) are working. And, sure, I clean, cook, do laundry, pay bills, grocery shopping, etc, but most of that only takes a couple of hours of my day. It makes me feel like I am setting a bad example, but I'm not sure what else to do.

[GinaPagnato]

I'm not really sure what say since this may or may not be a JAWM, but I will say that it sounds unpleasant to feel like you are chained to your kids, waiting for one of them to need you. My kids are also teenagers (+ one in college), and I don't feel that way.

 

We have set times during which we do school. I am available to them for help during that time. Beyond that, I do not work on school work with them.

 

I have things that I do both at home and outside the home during which my kids know, "This is mom's time, emergencies only." I spend a lot of time with my kids, and we talk a lot, but I am not at their unlimited beck and call. And I don't actually think they need that. They are old enough to understand and employ delayed gratification and know that most things in life are not emergencies requiring mom this instant.

 

I guess I would urge you to find something you would like to devote some time and interest to and do so without feeling guilty. Your life is not defined by your teenagers' moment-to-moment needs and desires.

 

ETA: Teach your kids to cook. Mine each make dinner 1-2 times a week.  :thumbup1:

 

Oh, they know I'm not at the ready at every moment to serve them. That's not what I mean. But, since I have several I'm hsing, plus one in college (who's home now and wants to spend time with me), their (legitimate) needs happen here and there throughout the day.

 

So, for example, I may be working on a foreign language with one dc while another finishes up math. Well, then I'm done with the foreign language lesson but the math lesson isn't finished yet. I will have to check the math lesson for corrections, but in the meantime I have justthismuchtime in which I can't really start any real task of my own, because by the time I get going, it's time to check math. I check lessons right away because especially for one of my dc, immediate feedback and instruction is necessary for the lesson to be meaningful and stick. So, there I am with 25 minutes or so to do nothing really consequential. This happens in pockets all through the day.

 

I like the idea of having them make dinner a couple of times a week, but they're usually working up to the last minute before heading out to evening practices, clubs, or lessons, so that's not too realistic right now. Although, with college kid home, I could get some help there. Hmmmm....

 

[GinaPagnato]

I like the idea of listening to podcasts throughout the day. Maybe I'll try that.

 

I'm a little worried about starting to learn another foreign language, which is what I would be most interested in, because starting in the fall I will be teaching at our co-op. It's going to take a lot of work, and I don't think I can manage to keep up with that plus everything else. Or at least I won't be able to do it well, which is important to me.

[Jenny in Florida]

 

Often I'm in this weird holding position of not really being needed by them all the time, but AT ANY MOMENT I may be called upon for something, and when that moment comes, I really ought to be there.

 

The in-between times aren't long enough for me to do anything particularly enjoyable or fun for me, nor are they long enough for me to get big projects done. So I find myself king of puttering, taking care of mind-numbing tasks in between my responsibilities to them. And I *totally* believe that my presence is needed on those occasions when they need me, so I'm not begrudging it, but it's in fits and spurts, so it feels sort of blah...

 

Anyone else in this season of life?

 

I was there for the last couple of years before my younger one left for college. I had two teens at home, neither of whom I was actively homeschooling. My daughter had graduated from college early and was living at home temporarily while working and saving for her planned move. My son was doing nearly full-time dual enrollment (although because he was still under 16, I was required to stay on campus while he was in class) and a couple of online classes and then spending most afternoons/evenings at the dance studio. However, neither of them was driving, and my son still depended on me to keep him fed and help him manage his schedule. I often ended up dropping one of them at work or dance or rehearsal on one end of town, then driving 20 miles to drop the other one, then finding somewhere for the dog and myself to hang out for a couple of hours (because it wasn't worth driving all the way home just to go back to either location), then completing the process in reverse to drive all of us another 15-20 miles back home at the end of the evening.

 

Between the driving and the waiting around and the basic household tasks, I was routinely putting in the equivalent of a full-time work week, but I often felt like I didn't really accomplish much of anything.

 

It was during that time that I started working online just a few hours each week. The scheduling was flexible, and all I needed was my laptop. So, one or two days a week, I could leave my dog at home and go park myself and my computer at a Panera or Starbucks (or in the college cafeteria) and work for an hour or two on wi-fi. 

 

I also found every possible park and pleasant neighborhood in which I could walk with my dog while listening to an audiobook or podcast. 

 

I saved up certain tasks that could reasonably be accomplished sitting in the car (paying bills, etc.) and used some of the time to do those.

 

Now that it's over, I kind of miss it, weirdly. While it was tiring and sometimes frustrating, we also had a lot of great talking time during those round-the-town drives. We listened to a lot of music together, and I got to hear all about both kids' plans and projects. I appreciate that I had all of those hours to spend just hanging out with and talking to my young adults.

Edited May 19, 2016 by Jenny in Florida

[Arcadia]

For foreign language learning, there are podcasts, cd sets like Pimsleur that you can use in the car, quizlet to revise vocab, duolingo for fun practice.

 

My kids revise their foreign language vocabulary in the car on their way to somewhere. They revise grammar in 5 to 15 mins block at a time since verb conjugation doesn't hold their attention long. All the little bits of time adds up. Slower pace maybe but it is possible to reach a level of competency.

[speedmom4]

I felt the same way! My youngest is now 14. They definitely need me but not like they used to.

 

An opportunity came up last fall to work part-time at my parish. I had been partially doing the job as a volunteer. When the position came up I didn't think I could do it. Eventually I realized that I was already doing much of the job anyway so why not get paid. It has definitely been challenging trying to juggle 15 hours a week of work (half from home) with homeschooling. It's getting easier and I believe it has helped push more independence on my two younger children.

 

Good luck!

[Haiku]

So, there I am with 25 minutes or so to do nothing really consequential. This happens in pockets all through the day.

 

Ok, I understand that. I use that time to read or write poetry. If the kids get done and need me right in the middle, I tell them to give me 5-10 minutes.

 

I'm a little worried about starting to learn another foreign language, which is what I would be most interested in, because starting in the fall I will be teaching at our co-op. It's going to take a lot of work, and I don't think I can manage to keep up with that plus everything else. Or at least I won't be able to do it well, which is important to me.

 

You never know until you try. You deserve to carve out some time for what you want to do. Don't let worries keep you from beginning!

 

I don't know your family and how you operate, so take my advice with a grain of salt, but ... your kids can find 30 minutes to make dinner.  They can get up a little earlier and begin their day so that they have time at the end to throw something together, or they can throw something in the crock pot in the morning, or can heat up leftovers so you don't have to make dinner every day. Making dinner every day was the thing that just about did me in, and I finally told my family they had to help with this one. And if you have a college student home for the summer ... problem solved! ;)