Is this a sentence fragment??

[Isabella]

This is a sentence I wrote as part of a recent assignment of educational learning theories, theorists, etc. Below it is the tutor's comment.  I'm not a grammar expert, but I thought that it was a complete sentence.  She marked another sentence wrongly, so I wondered about this one, too.  

 

Behavioural Theory is the theory that learning results in a change of behaviour, and that this is a result of external stimuli (Woolfolk & Margetts, 2013, p. 220). 

 [CL1]Fragmented sentence

Each sentence should have a clear clause and include a subject, a verb and a complete thought. Good point but read your work aloud to ensure that it makes sense. It is better to present the facts clearly than to make the wording complex and convoluted. 

 

Here is the one she marked wrongly….'an' a conjunction?  Not sure which grammar school she went to.  Obviously she read it quickly, and thought I'd started a sentence with 'and'.

 

An[CL1]  example of classroom use could be: attaching pleasure-inducing stimuli to learning that might generally elicit a negative response (Woolfolk & Margetts, 2013, p. 223).

 [CL1]Conjunction: this is a conjunction - joining word. Use these to link sentences but not to begin sentences. eg. by, and, whereas, therefore, etc.

 

 

I'd appreciate your feedback! :-)

[Faithr]

I think the tutor had been grading too many papers and was getting a little loopy.  I do think the 'this' is a little vague and it might be a bit clearer if you said and that 'this change' is a result of external stimuli.  

[Isabella]

I think the tutor had been grading too many papers and was getting a little loopy.  I do think the 'this' is a little vague and it might be a bit clearer if you said and that 'this change' is a result of external stimuli.  

Edited because I didn't read your post correctly! :-)

 

Edited February 23, 2016 by Isabella

[AmandaVT]

I am not a grammar expert by any measure, but I don't think an is a conjunction. I learned it is an indefinite article. Unless she thought you began the sentence with And?

 

I would have probably started the sentence with "One example...." just because it flows better when I say it out loud.

 

And for the first sentence, the "this" is what trips me up - is it referring to the theory or the behavior? I do think it's a complete sentence though. But again, not an expert.  

[Ravin]

This is a sentence I wrote as part of a recent assignment of educational learning theories, theorists, etc. Below it is the tutor's comment.  I'm not a grammar expert, but I thought that it was a complete sentence.  She marked another sentence wrongly, so I wondered about this one, too.  

 

Behavioural Theory is the theory that learning results in a change of behaviour, and that this is a result of external stimuli (Woolfolk & Margetts, 2013, p. 220). 

 [CL1]Fragmented sentence

Each sentence should have a clear clause and include a subject, a verb and a complete thought. Good point but read your work aloud to ensure that it makes sense. It is better to present the facts clearly than to make the wording complex and convoluted. 

 

Here is the one she marked wrongly….'an' a conjunction?  Not sure which grammar school she went to.  Obviously she read it quickly, and thought I'd started a sentence with 'and'.

 

An[CL1]  example of classroom use could be: attaching pleasure-inducing stimuli to learning that might generally elicit a negative response (Woolfolk & Margetts, 2013, p. 223).

 [CL1]Conjunction: this is a conjunction - joining word. Use these to link sentences but not to begin sentences. eg. by, and, whereas, therefore, etc.

 

 

I'd appreciate your feedback! :-)

 

Subject = Behavioural Theory

Verb = is

Complete thought made by stating after "is" what Behavioral theory is.

 

Here's another complete sentence for her: "Correcting grammar when you do not understand it yourself is a fool's errand."

 

An is an article. And is a conjunction. This woman's grading makes me want to utilize expletives. Also, "by," and "whereas" are prepositions, which can, indeed, come at the beginning of a sentence, as there are many occasions in English when it is appropriate to place a prepositional phrase at the beginning of a sentence. 

[Hyacinth]

The teacher needs diagramming practice.

 

Related: I've been helping my neighbor with her writing classes (she has gone back to school for a nursing degree). Talk about frustration! The first assignment included the following warning: Points will be deducted for errors in spelling and grammer!! It just got worse from there.

[Isabella]

Subject = Behavioural Theory

Verb = is

Complete thought made by stating after "is" what Behavioral theory is.

 

Here's another complete sentence for her: "Correcting grammar when you do not understand it yourself is a fool's errand."

 

An is an article. And is a conjunction. This woman's grading makes me want to utilize expletives. Also, "by," and "whereas" are prepositions, which can, indeed, come at the beginning of a sentence, as there are many occasions in English when it is appropriate to place a prepositional phrase at the beginning of a sentence. 

Haha…my thoughts exactly!  

I think 'whereas' and 'by' can be subordinate conjunctions, whereas 'and, but, or, for, nor, yet' are coordinating conjunctions.  'An' is definitely an indefinite article! Crazy lady.  Thanks for breaking it down for me - I thought I could see that it was not a fragment, but my brain's over it all, too, so I thought I'd get some feedback from the clever ladies here!

[zoobie]

Maybe she means the portion after the comma is a fragment? It's a comma fault.

 

There are other grammatical issues with the second sentence, but "an" is perfectly fine there! Don't use a colon after "be."

[fairfarmhand]

It's a little clunky but it's a complete sentence.

 

AN is NOT a conjunction.

 

It almost seems like she handed the paper to an online editor and had him grade it. This is the kind of nonsense that certain online content brokers will pass off as good editing. And that's why there's certain brokers that I will no longer use.

[Isabella]

I am not a grammar expert by any measure, but I don't think an is a conjunction. I learned it is an indefinite article. Unless she thought you began the sentence with And?

 

I would have probably started the sentence with "One example...." just because it flows better when I say it out loud.

 

And for the first sentence, the "this" is what trips me up - is it referring to the theory or the behavior? I do think it's a complete sentence though. But again, not an expert.  

Yes, it's probably a bit clunky in its wording, but 'this' is referring to the learning (which results in behavioural change).  Basically the theory suggests that external stimuli is needed to produce learning.  Some of the other theories suggest that learning is innate and will occur regardless of external stimuli.

[Isabella]

So what about this one - she's picked me up on using 'This' as a subject, which I can understand…but really, are you expected to restate the issue that you've just explained in the previous sentence?  I wonder if I should have used 'this/these issue/s…' where issue becomes the subject.?

 

The predominantly middle class culture of the school environment is often relatively alien to students from lower socio-economic states (Ewing, 2013, p. 86), and because of this, these students feel a sense of not belonging, of being an outsider.  This can cause a withdrawal from engagement in the learning process, which can be exacerbated by their culture’s views on the limited value of education.  In many cases, it is easy to forget that poverty stricken families cannot afford such things as computers, printers and Internet service that many middle class families do (Gorski, 2013, p. 49).  This[CL2]  puts children at a disadvantage educationally (Woolfolk & Margetts, 2013, p. 33). 

 

 [CL2]Avoid ‘this’: What is ‘this’? State the subject to create a complete sentence. 

 

Edited February 23, 2016 by Isabella

[Ellie]

She's wrong on all counts.

 

Goodness.

[Isabella]

And…sorry, last one… mid-sentence in-text citations.  As far as I can see, in-text referencing can be placed at the beginning, middle or end of a sentence.

 

Students' behaviour is often much calmer (Nedovic & Morrissey, 2013, p. 290), creating less distractions in their mind, which, if present, can hinder the retention of information[CL1]  

 [CL1]Middle reference: A reference in complete brackets must always go at the end of the sentence, not in the middle. Reference at the beginning or the end. Gillett (2016) stated that…… or reference at the end (Gillett, 2016).

 

 

 

Edited February 23, 2016 by Isabella

[eternalsummer]

 

So what about this one - she's picked me up on using 'This' as a subject, which I can understand…but really, are you expected to restate the issue that you've just explained in the previous sentence?  I wonder if I should have used 'this/these issue/s…' where issue becomes the subject.?

 

The predominantly middle class culture of the school environment is often relatively alien to students from lower socio-economic states (Ewing, 2013, p. 86), and because of this, these students feel a sense of not belonging, of being an outsider.  This can cause a withdrawal from engagement in the learning process, which can be exacerbated by their culture’s views on the limited value of education.  In many cases, it is easy to forget that poverty stricken families cannot afford such things as computers, printers and Internet service that many middle class families do (Gorski, 2013, p. 49).  This[CL2]  puts children at a disadvantage educationally (Woolfolk & Margetts, 2013, p. 33). 

 

 [CL2]Avoid ‘this’: What is ‘this’? State the subject to create a complete sentence. 

 

You're supposed to summarize/restate the subject to which "this" refers in a word or two.

 

maybe something like "This inequality" or "This disparity" or "This financial difficulty" or "This consequence of poverty" or whatever - the fact that I cannot be sure whether "this" refers to the inequality or the poverty or the consequence of poverty indicates the need for clarification, though it is nitpicky

[eternalsummer]

Instead of saying "because of this" you can say "consequently"

[eternalsummer]

This is a sentence I wrote as part of a recent assignment of educational learning theories, theorists, etc. Below it is the tutor's comment.  I'm not a grammar expert, but I thought that it was a complete sentence.  She marked another sentence wrongly, so I wondered about this one, too.  

 

Behavioural Theory is the theory that learning results in a change of behaviour, and that this is a result of external stimuli (Woolfolk & Margetts, 2013, p. 220). 

 [CL1]Fragmented sentence

Each sentence should have a clear clause and include a subject, a verb and a complete thought. Good point but read your work aloud to ensure that it makes sense. It is better to present the facts clearly than to make the wording complex and convoluted. 

 

Here is the one she marked wrongly….'an' a conjunction?  Not sure which grammar school she went to.  Obviously she read it quickly, and thought I'd started a sentence with 'and'.

 

An[CL1]  example of classroom use could be: attaching pleasure-inducing stimuli to learning that might generally elicit a negative response (Woolfolk & Margetts, 2013, p. 223).

 [CL1]Conjunction: this is a conjunction - joining word. Use these to link sentences but not to begin sentences. eg. by, and, whereas, therefore, etc.

 

 

I'd appreciate your feedback! :-)

 

For the first sentence I'd say:  "Behavioural Theory is the theory that learning results in a change of behaviour as a response to external stimuli (Woolfolk & Margetts, 2013, p. 220). "

 

(although I'm not sure if that's technically still true - the idea is to get rid of the "this is" and to replace the second "result")

 

 

For the second sentence I think she just misread An as And; the colon is not appropriate there, though.  

[Isabella]

I think I'm going to submit my papers to you WTM ladies for proofreading before sending!  :-)  Also, I've got to start earlier on them.  I leave them to the last minute and then kind of rush through them (well, it still takes me a while, but I should have time to put them aside and reread several times after a day or two.  :-)

[AmandaVT]

I think I'm going to submit my papers to you WTM ladies for proofreading before sending!  :-)  Also, I've got to start earlier on them.  I leave them to the last minute and then kind of rush through them (well, it still takes me a while, but I should have time to put them aside and reread several times after a day or two.  :-)

 

My husband got through his masters that way. :-) I actually did the same through my psychology and elementary ed degrees as well. I think better on a deadline. I don't remember any of our professors being that nit picky though - DH would end up with some APA formatting corrections, but mostly professors read for content. Can you go back to the professor and let her know that she's incorrect in her corrections? 

[Isabella]

My husband got through his masters that way. :-) I actually did the same through my psychology and elementary ed degrees as well. I think better on a deadline. I don't remember any of our professors being that nit picky though - DH would end up with some APA formatting corrections, but mostly professors read for content. Can you go back to the professor and let her know that she's incorrect in her corrections? 

This is what has been bothering a few of us about the whole unit.  Most of the ladies in my study group have been getting High Distinction grades (over 80%), but with this one, we've only just scraped into a pass or credit, and some actually failed this assessment.  They hardly seem to focus on the content of the papers, but instead pick all the little things apart.

I'll definitely be getting back to her with the corrections to her corrections - that's why I wanted to clarify here before I did that.

All students also have opportunity to evaluate the unit, which we've done, and let them know it's a really badly structured unit.

[J-rap]

I think she just read the second sentence incorrectly, and put an "And" at the beginning.

 

In the first sentence, there is something about it that feels choppy, but I can't quite put my finger on it.  I think it's something about "that this" in the second half.

 

 

Behavioural Theory is the theory that learning results in a change of behaviour, and that this is a result of external stimuli (Woolfolk & Margetts, 2013, p. 220). 

 

 

But its meaning is also a little confusing.  Are you saying that external stimuli results in learning which results in a change of behavior?

[fairfarmhand]

"Behavioural Theory is the theory that learning results in a change of behaviour, and that this is a result of external stimuli "

 

Change to:

 

Behavioural Theory is the theory that learning results in a change of behaviour due to external stimuli "

[bolt.]

Example #1. She is not saying it's a sentence fragment, or that it lacks those parts of speech. She's saying that it is 'fragmented' because it the word order is unnessusarily complex. She wants you to edit it so that it reads:

 

"The main idea of behavioural theory is that learning results in a change of behaviour resulting from external stimuli."

 

Compared to, "Behavioural Theory is the theory that learning results in a change of behaviour, and that this is a result of external stimuli." -- you can see that the the point of the sentence becomes more clear because the grammar is more linear.

 

Example #2. She is saying that she wants you to use a transitional word to improve your flow. She wants to know how that sentence connects to the writing that preceded it. Starting with "An" has an abrupt feel rather than a sense of continuity.

 

Instead of (An example of classroom use could be: attaching pleasure-inducing stimuli to learning that might generally elicit a negative response.) she might be looking for something more like, "In a classroom, behavioural theory can include attaching pleasure-inducing stimuli to learning that might generally elicit a negative response."

 

The feedback you are getting is to help you improve your academic writing style. She is not identifying actual grammatical errors, and your sentences might be technically correct: but good academic writing does not require the reader to diagram your sentence in order to understand it. The standard for research papers is not 'free from poor grammar' it's 'communicates well, with an academic tone and excellent flow'. A teacher who wants you to accomplish good academic writing is going to offer corrections towards that goal.

 

Example #3

 

(The predominantly middle class culture of the school environment is often relatively alien to students from lower socio-economic states (Ewing, 2013, p. 86), and because of this, these students feel a sense of not belonging, of being an outsider.)

 

More sentences result in better flow, especially if you use clearer terms instead of 'this' and 'these' to reflect your snowballing idea.

 

Try this:

 

"The predominantly middle class culture of the school environment is often relatively alien to students from lower socio-economic states." // "Impoverished students experience this difference emotionally as a sense of not belonging, of being an outsider."

 

Then: This (emotional response) can cause a withdrawal from engagement in the learning process. // (Emotional withdrawal) can be exacerbated by (some students') cultural views on the limited value of education. // In (addition to emotional and cultural factors), many impoverished students also experience limited access to resources, such as computers, printers and Internet service. Middle class families rarely lack these resources. (Gorski, 2013, p. 49).

 

Resulting in the your new clear conclusion sentence that makes your whole snowball into one very good point: "In combination emotional withdrawl, cultural undervaluing of education, and lack of resources put impoverished children at a signifucant educational disadvantage." Woolfolk & Margetts, 2013, p. 33).

 

Example 4: You are incorrect. The standard of this class is set by the instructor of this class. If she wants to be strict about no mid-sentence references, that's her call. It's a fairly normal standard, though some instructors are lenient about it.

 

Your ability to write in proper English without violation of the rules of grammar is fine. Your formal academic writing skills have room for vast amounts of stylistic improvement. Your teacher is trying to help you do that... You should let her.

Edited February 23, 2016 by bolt.

[SKL]

I think you were fine [ETA, this is about your first post].  If this affects your grade, you might want to push back.

 

I had a nightmare teacher for art history in college.  He was a very young laid-off high school art teacher, teaching this one college class for the money.  He gave me a low grade on my research paper because of grammar that wasn't wrong.  I was a very high scorer on English / grammar assessments, like way way into the 99th %ile, and he was not.  I even took the paper to my English prof to show him how frustrating it was.  That stupid idiot affected my GPA.  Still kinda mad.  :p

Edited February 23, 2016 by SKL

[SKL]

I just saw your 3rd and 4th examples, and I do agree they are not quite right.

 

I also agree that you could tighten up your writing.

 

My English teachers would have been making liberal use of the word "clarity" on some of those passages.  :)

[JadeOrchidSong]

This is a sentence I wrote as part of a recent assignment of educational learning theories, theorists, etc. Below it is the tutor's comment. I'm not a grammar expert, but I thought that it was a complete sentence. She marked another sentence wrongly, so I wondered about this one, too.

 

Behavioural Theory is the theory that learning results in a change of behaviour, and that this is a result of external stimuli (Woolfolk & Margetts, 2013, p. 220).

 

 

 

[CL1]Fragmented sentence

Each sentence should have a clear clause and include a subject, a verb and a complete thought. Good point but read your work aloud to ensure that it makes sense. It is better to present the facts clearly than to make the wording complex and convoluted.

 

Here is the one she marked wrongly….'an' a conjunction? Not sure which grammar school she went to. Obviously she read it quickly, and thought I'd started a sentence with 'and'.

 

An[CL1] example of classroom use could be: attaching pleasure-inducing stimuli to learning that might generally elicit a negative response (Woolfolk & Margetts, 2013, p. 223).

 

 

 

[CL1]Conjunction: this is a conjunction - joining word. Use these to link sentences but not to begin sentences. eg. by, and, whereas, therefore, etc.

 

 

I'd appreciate your feedback! :-)

[JadeOrchidSong]

Behavior theory is the theory that ..., and that this...

 

This sentence has two appositive clauses, each introduced by "that". They are appositives to "theory". The comma is to be removed to make the second "that" more closely connected with the first "that" and with "theory".

Also, "this" refers to the content introduced by the first "that" clause. However, it reads very awkwardly and is not very obviously clear what "this" refers to.

 

I can make up a sentence with the same structure. "The fact that you chose not to follow the directions of the essay properly and that as a result you got a D doesn't mean the teacher's instruction skill is lacking." (I said something like this to my son.)

 

This is my $0.02.

Let me know if you guys agree or not.

 

I think "An" is marked by mistake by the teacher as she might have seen it as "and" as evidenced in her examples of conjunctions. I DO NOT believe she thinks "an" is a conjunction.

Edited February 23, 2016 by JadeOrchidSong

[zoobie]

Many people use academic editors when they are completing a thesis or dissertation. :)

[Tsuga]

This is a sentence I wrote as part of a recent assignment of educational learning theories, theorists, etc. Below it is the tutor's comment.  I'm not a grammar expert, but I thought that it was a complete sentence.  She marked another sentence wrongly, so I wondered about this one, too.  

 

Behavioural Theory is the theory that learning results in a change of behaviour, and that this is a result of external stimuli (Woolfolk & Margetts, 2013, p. 220). 

 [CL1]Fragmented sentence

Each sentence should have a clear clause and include a subject, a verb and a complete thought. Good point but read your work aloud to ensure that it makes sense. It is better to present the facts clearly than to make the wording complex and convoluted. 

 

Here is the one she marked wrongly….'an' a conjunction?  Not sure which grammar school she went to.  Obviously she read it quickly, and thought I'd started a sentence with 'and'.

 

An[CL1]  example of classroom use could be: attaching pleasure-inducing stimuli to learning that might generally elicit a negative response (Woolfolk & Margetts, 2013, p. 223).

 [CL1]Conjunction: this is a conjunction - joining word. Use these to link sentences but not to begin sentences. eg. by, and, whereas, therefore, etc.

 

 

I'd appreciate your feedback! :-)

 

I agree that the grader's eyes must have slipped for the second correction. It's so wrong and so... just so obviously not a conjunction, that there is no way a native speaker could make that mistake.

 

As for the first error, I am guilty of stuff like that all the time, but it's not a sentence fragment. I agree that the use of "this" confused her. Maybe she was tired.

[bolt.]

As far as effects on your grade, my rubric when I grade the writing level of college papers is: a "B" paper contains very few errors of grammar, spelling or other writing conventions. A "B+" has no errors. To get an A, we stop talking about errors, and start talking about wording, clarity, flow, vocabulary, and voice.

 

(Note: I also have rubric columns for other things like the actual content of the paper... I'm just talking about one attribute that I mark.)

 

An "A-" has to sound like 'formal' writing, and lack anything that could be considered awkward or unclear. An "A" sounds academic, has good flow, excellent vocabulary and clarity. An "A+" is for writing that has every attribute of professional writing.

 

(In my classes, your writing samples would not receive "A" grades in that column. They would receive feedback regarding how to improve your wording and sentence structures. Where you would fall in the "Bs" depends on how these samples compare to the rest of the work.)

Edited February 23, 2016 by bolt.

[Pen]

I think that for the "an" she just made a mistake.

 

I don't think your first sentence is a fragment, but I also don't think it is clearly expressed. I had trouble with the double "results" in addition to the unclear 'this."  I have the vague sense that it may be related to BF Skinner, or something like that, but I didn't really feel that I understood what you were saying clearly.  I'm thinking maybe you meant that "Behavioral Theory is the theory that external stimuli cause changes in behavior which we call learning." But I am not sure.

Edited February 23, 2016 by Pen

[Garga]

Example #1. She is not saying it's a sentence fragment, or that it lacks those parts of speech. She's saying that it is 'fragmented' because it the word order is unnessusarily complex. She wants you to edit it so that it reads:

 

"The main idea of behavioural theory is that learning results in a change of behaviour resulting from external stimuli."

 

Compared to, "Behavioural Theory is the theory that learning results in a change of behaviour, and that this is a result of external stimuli." -- you can see that the the point of the sentence becomes more clear because the grammar is more linear.

 

Example #2. She is saying that she wants you to use a transitional word to improve your flow. She wants to know how that sentence connects to the writing that preceded it. Starting with "An" has an abrupt feel rather than a sense of continuity.

 

Instead of (An example of classroom use could be: attaching pleasure-inducing stimuli to learning that might generally elicit a negative response.) she might be looking for something more like, "In a classroom, behavioural theory can include attaching pleasure-inducing stimuli to learning that might generally elicit a negative response."

 

The feedback you are getting is to help you improve your academic writing style. She is not identifying actual grammatical errors, and your sentences might be technically correct: but good academic writing does not require the reader to diagram your sentence in order to understand it. The standard for research papers is not 'free from poor grammar' it's 'communicates well, with an academic tone and excellent flow'. A teacher who wants you to accomplish good academic writing is going to offer corrections towards that goal.

 

Example #3

 

(The predominantly middle class culture of the school environment is often relatively alien to students from lower socio-economic states (Ewing, 2013, p. 86), and because of this, these students feel a sense of not belonging, of being an outsider.)

 

More sentences result in better flow, especially if you use clearer terms instead of 'this' and 'these' to reflect your snowballing idea.

 

Try this:

 

"The predominantly middle class culture of the school environment is often relatively alien to students from lower socio-economic states." // "Impoverished students experience this difference emotionally as a sense of not belonging, of being an outsider."

 

Then: This (emotional response) can cause a withdrawal from engagement in the learning process. // (Emotional withdrawal) can be exacerbated by (some students') cultural views on the limited value of education. // In (addition to emotional and cultural factors), many impoverished students also experience limited access to resources, such as computers, printers and Internet service. Middle class families rarely lack these resources. (Gorski, 2013, p. 49).

 

Resulting in the your new clear conclusion sentence that makes your whole snowball into one very good point: "In combination emotional withdrawl, cultural undervaluing of education, and lack of resources put impoverished children at a signifucant educational disadvantage." Woolfolk & Margetts, 2013, p. 33).

 

Example 4: You are incorrect. The standard of this class is set by the instructor of this class. If she wants to be strict about no mid-sentence references, that's her call. It's a fairly normal standard, though some instructors are lenient about it.

 

Your ability to write in proper English without violation of the rules of grammar is fine. Your formal academic writing skills have room for vast amounts of stylistic improvement. Your teacher is trying to help you do that... You should let her.

 

 

I agree with Bolt.  Your professor's advice is spot on.  Your professor is trying to help you. 

 

I used to work for small test prep company.  The targeted customers were college graduates who were preparing to take their test to become teachers. Most of our customers had attempted the test a time or 2 (or 3, etc.) and had failed the essay portion.

 

These customers had had 4-6 years of college (yes, some had master's degrees).  We would have them write practice essays and their essays were just dreadful. I would give them feedback much like your professor's above.  They would be confused and say, "But my professors never told me my writing was bad! I got great grades on all my essays all through school!" 

 

Those professors did them no favors.  These graduates kept failing the certification exam over and over because of their terrible writing skills.  Do you know how hard it is to get someone up to speed in writing in just 4 weeks?  It's a bear! 

 

Your professor is doing you a big favor.  It takes a lot of her time to help you and her advice is something you need to hear and implement.

Edited February 23, 2016 by Garga

[Ausmumof3]

I often see phrasing like "behavioural theory states that" which could work as a beginning.

 

Your grammar was not incorrect though the sentences feel slightly awkward.

[Suzanne in ABQ]

While not blatantly wrong, these sentences are cumbersome to read.  There are too many this's and that's without clear antecedents.  There are too many words

 

If I were you, I would carefully read everything "bolt" wrote in posts #22 and #29, as well as what "Garga" wrote in post #31.  They said the things I was thinking, but they said it much more clearly and with much more authority.  Several other posters gave excellent ideas for changing the wording of your sentences to make them clearer, without changing their meaning.   For instance,  Ausmumof3 wrote, "Behavioral Theory is the theory that" can be stated "Behavioral Theory states that...".  

 

One other thing I noticed is that you need to brush up on the use of colons.  From the Rod & Staff English Handbook, "The words before a colon must express a complete thought.  Therefore, a colon should never separate a verb from its complement or a preposition from its object."  

 

"An[CL1]  example of classroom use could be: attaching pleasure-inducing stimuli to learning that might generally elicit a negative response..."

 

Your comma in this sentence comes between the verb, "could be", and its complement, the gerund phrase, "attaching...".

[Isabella]

Example #1. She is not saying it's a sentence fragment, or that it lacks those parts of speech. She's saying that it is 'fragmented' because it the word order is unnessusarily complex. She wants you to edit it so that it reads:

 

"The main idea of behavioural theory is that learning results in a change of behaviour resulting from external stimuli."

 

Compared to, "Behavioural Theory is the theory that learning results in a change of behaviour, and that this is a result of external stimuli." -- you can see that the the point of the sentence becomes more clear because the grammar is more linear.

 

Example #2. She is saying that she wants you to use a transitional word to improve your flow. She wants to know how that sentence connects to the writing that preceded it. Starting with "An" has an abrupt feel rather than a sense of continuity.

 

Instead of (An example of classroom use could be: attaching pleasure-inducing stimuli to learning that might generally elicit a negative response.) she might be looking for something more like, "In a classroom, behavioural theory can include attaching pleasure-inducing stimuli to learning that might generally elicit a negative response."

 

The feedback you are getting is to help you improve your academic writing style. She is not identifying actual grammatical errors, and your sentences might be technically correct: but good academic writing does not require the reader to diagram your sentence in order to understand it. The standard for research papers is not 'free from poor grammar' it's 'communicates well, with an academic tone and excellent flow'. A teacher who wants you to accomplish good academic writing is going to offer corrections towards that goal.

 

Example #3

 

(The predominantly middle class culture of the school environment is often relatively alien to students from lower socio-economic states (Ewing, 2013, p. 86), and because of this, these students feel a sense of not belonging, of being an outsider.)

 

More sentences result in better flow, especially if you use clearer terms instead of 'this' and 'these' to reflect your snowballing idea.

 

Try this:

 

"The predominantly middle class culture of the school environment is often relatively alien to students from lower socio-economic states." // "Impoverished students experience this difference emotionally as a sense of not belonging, of being an outsider."

 

Then: This (emotional response) can cause a withdrawal from engagement in the learning process. // (Emotional withdrawal) can be exacerbated by (some students') cultural views on the limited value of education. // In (addition to emotional and cultural factors), many impoverished students also experience limited access to resources, such as computers, printers and Internet service. Middle class families rarely lack these resources. (Gorski, 2013, p. 49).

 

Resulting in the your new clear conclusion sentence that makes your whole snowball into one very good point: "In combination emotional withdrawl, cultural undervaluing of education, and lack of resources put impoverished children at a signifucant educational disadvantage." Woolfolk & Margetts, 2013, p. 33).

 

Example 4: You are incorrect. The standard of this class is set by the instructor of this class. If she wants to be strict about no mid-sentence references, that's her call. It's a fairly normal standard, though some instructors are lenient about it.

 

Your ability to write in proper English without violation of the rules of grammar is fine. Your formal academic writing skills have room for vast amounts of stylistic improvement. Your teacher is trying to help you do that... You should let her.

I appreciate your insight, as you seem to be in a similar position to the tutor.  However, I'm not sure how you infer her meaning from the actual words she used. If she writes 'sentence fragment - a sentence should contain a subject, verb, and complete thought, I'd assume that's what she meant.  If she meant something else, as you're suggesting, I don't know why she didn't write that more clearly.  Same with example 2. 

 

I do, however, understand that she is helping me to improve my academic writing, and I do need it, as I'm 43, having never studied past 11th grade, and the 2 units I'm doing now are my first university level units.  I'm happy with feedback to help me improve, but if it seems incorrect, I'd like clarification.  I guess a tutor can't expect that a student will interpret her vague comments correctly, so it should certainly be more clearly marked, as far as I can see.  

 

I'm very grateful for everyone's comments, suggestions and general help.  I really do appreciate it, as I know that there's much to improve on.  :-D

[bolt.]

She clearly wrote "fragmented sentence" not "sentence fragment". A 'fragmented mug' is not the same thing as 'a mug fragment'. A fragmented mug has all the bits but they aren't working together. A mug fragment is an individual part of a whole mug.

 

She continues to say

- "a clear clause" Sentences are clearer when there is *one* main clause, not multiple clauses that seem to compete as the 'main' clause -- and that *one* clause should be clear in its construction, and cit should cearly contain the main point of the whole sentence.

- "and include a subject," Sentences are clearer when there is *one* subject, that is clearly the subject of the main clause, making the main point.

- "a verb" Sentences are clearer with *one* verb that is clearly the verb of the main clause, making the main point

- "and a complete thought." Not more than one thought, not starting with one thought, then adding another thought to that thought. Not a stream of connected thoughts.

 

(My comment: She wants you to try for more "linear" grammar. Good sentences don't have twists or additions. They proceed logically from beginning to end, saying one *individual* thing in the simplest way possible. They don't contain multiple ideas unless the point of the sentence is to connect multiple (already established) ideas. In that case, the connection between the ideas becomes the point of the sentence.)

 

Your summary of her comments skipped over the most important words that she included in her comments, and switched her word order, changing her meaning. That's why you didn't understand it -- you read it briefly and thought you had caught her meaning, but you hadn't. She's not being remarkably clear in these notes, but with close reading they are not hard to understand.

 

In example #2 you think she is saying "this is a conjunction" -- even though 'an' is clearly not a conjunction. But *she* didn't say 'this is a conjunction' she just identified 'conjunction' as the general topic of the error. The most reasonable assumption is that her identification of 'an' as a 'problem regarding conjunctions' is that 'an' is s terrible connecting word, and she wants you to use better connecting words to improve your flow. She follows this by providing examples of better connecting words. Her wording is not as crystal clear, but that interpretation fits all the things she actually said. It differs from your initial interpretation, but it fits the wording of the overall comment in a way that is better, not worse. (If she was not suggesting that you replace 'an' why would she be providing possible replacement words?)

 

Hint: if your initial interpretation leaves you thinking, "This person must be an idiot, I don't know why they would write that." -- that should be a red flag for *you* (that you may have jumped to a conclusion). In that situation you should try re-reading just exactly the words on the page/screen, and wonder if they might be open to another (more reasonable) interpretation.

 

(I feel self-consious writing this comment because I am using my casual writing skills to write about academic writing. Ideally I'd be writing at my best, but I'm not. Academic writing is hard work and I can't/won't do it on my phone for the sake of a forum audience. But I still feel bad about it.)

Edited February 24, 2016 by bolt.

[Suzanne in ABQ]

I appreciate your insight, as you seem to be in a similar position to the tutor.  However, I'm not sure how you infer her meaning from the actual words she used. If she writes 'sentence fragment - a sentence should contain a subject, verb, and complete thought, I'd assume that's what she meant.  If she meant something else, as you're suggesting, I don't know why she didn't write that more clearly.  Same with example 2. 

 

I do, however, understand that she is helping me to improve my academic writing, and I do need it, as I'm 43, having never studied past 11th grade, and the 2 units I'm doing now are my first university level units.  I'm happy with feedback to help me improve, but if it seems incorrect, I'd like clarification.  I guess a tutor can't expect that a student will interpret her vague comments correctly, so it should certainly be more clearly marked, as far as I can see.  

 

I'm very grateful for everyone's comments, suggestions and general help.  I really do appreciate it, as I know that there's much to improve on.  :-D

 

 

l wonder if the tutor uses some sort of menu of comments, to save time, and just selects the one that best fits, rather than writing custom comments every time.  That could explain why her comments don't exactly fit the particular situation.  In the case of your second sentence, it's almost as if she clicked the wrong response, since "An" is clearly not a conjunction.  Elsewhere, calling a fragmented sentence a sentence fragment is close, but perhaps not what she meant.  I don't know if such a thing even exists, or if word processors create shortcuts for users' commonly used phrases, but it could explain her comments.  

 

Would you feel comfortable bringing up these questions with her?  I'm not clear on whether you are paying her as a private tutor, or whether she is your university instructor, but if she is your private tutor, you should be able to talk about these things.  Good communication is essential.  If she is your professor, you'll need to treat things more delicately, but she should welcome specific questions (asked with a humble, teachable spirit, of course).  

 

I wish you the best, and I admire you going back to school!  You rock!

[eternalsummer]

(I feel self-consious writing this comment because I am using my casual writing skills to write about academic writing. Ideally I'd be writing at my best, but I'm not. Academic writing is hard work and I can't/won't do it on my phone for the sake of a forum audience. But I still feel bad about it.)

 

I know how you feel but I don't think it's a problem.  Academic writing, and formal writing in general, have different purposes and audiences (and topics!) than posts on a message board.  My writing here is much more conversational and often contains fragments or whatever (including the word whatever!) that I would never use in formal writing.  It would be weird to write formally when you're not trying to communicate formally - kind of like reading a scifi book and getting formal writing instead of creative prose.

[heartlikealion]

Maybe she read "results" as a noun rather than verb. The sentence was a bit awkward for me to read/absorb. I read it several times and it sunk in better for me after a few reads. Could that be the case? Sorry if I am not being helpful.

Edited February 24, 2016 by heartlikealion

[Lolly]

I agree with Bolt.  Your professor's advice is spot on.  Your professor is trying to help you. 

 

I used to work for small test prep company.  The targeted customers were college graduates who were preparing to take their test to become teachers. Most of our customers had attempted the test a time or 2 (or 3, etc.) and had failed the essay portion.

 

These customers had had 4-6 years of college (yes, some had master's degrees).  We would have them write practice essays and their essays were just dreadful. I would give them feedback much like your professor's above.  They would be confused and say, "But my professors never told me my writing was bad! I got great grades on all my essays all through school!" 

 

Those professors did them no favors.  These graduates kept failing the certification exam over and over because of their terrible writing skills.  Do you know how hard it is to get someone up to speed in writing in just 4 weeks?  It's a bear! 

 

Your professor is doing you a big favor.  It takes a lot of her time to help you and her advice is something you need to hear and implement.

 

 

Example #1. She is not saying it's a sentence fragment, or that it lacks those parts of speech. She's saying that it is 'fragmented' because it the word order is unnessusarily complex. She wants you to edit it so that it reads:

 

"The main idea of behavioural theory is that learning results in a change of behaviour resulting from external stimuli."

 

Compared to, "Behavioural Theory is the theory that learning results in a change of behaviour, and that this is a result of external stimuli." -- you can see that the the point of the sentence becomes more clear because the grammar is more linear.

 

Example #2. She is saying that she wants you to use a transitional word to improve your flow. She wants to know how that sentence connects to the writing that preceded it. Starting with "An" has an abrupt feel rather than a sense of continuity.

 

Instead of (An example of classroom use could be: attaching pleasure-inducing stimuli to learning that might generally elicit a negative response.) she might be looking for something more like, "In a classroom, behavioural theory can include attaching pleasure-inducing stimuli to learning that might generally elicit a negative response."

 

The feedback you are getting is to help you improve your academic writing style. She is not identifying actual grammatical errors, and your sentences might be technically correct: but good academic writing does not require the reader to diagram your sentence in order to understand it. The standard for research papers is not 'free from poor grammar' it's 'communicates well, with an academic tone and excellent flow'. A teacher who wants you to accomplish good academic writing is going to offer corrections towards that goal.

 

Example #3

 

(The predominantly middle class culture of the school environment is often relatively alien to students from lower socio-economic states (Ewing, 2013, p. 86), and because of this, these students feel a sense of not belonging, of being an outsider.)

 

More sentences result in better flow, especially if you use clearer terms instead of 'this' and 'these' to reflect your snowballing idea.

 

Try this:

 

"The predominantly middle class culture of the school environment is often relatively alien to students from lower socio-economic states." // "Impoverished students experience this difference emotionally as a sense of not belonging, of being an outsider."

 

Then: This (emotional response) can cause a withdrawal from engagement in the learning process. // (Emotional withdrawal) can be exacerbated by (some students') cultural views on the limited value of education. // In (addition to emotional and cultural factors), many impoverished students also experience limited access to resources, such as computers, printers and Internet service. Middle class families rarely lack these resources. (Gorski, 2013, p. 49).

 

Resulting in the your new clear conclusion sentence that makes your whole snowball into one very good point: "In combination emotional withdrawl, cultural undervaluing of education, and lack of resources put impoverished children at a signifucant educational disadvantage." Woolfolk & Margetts, 2013, p. 33).

 

Example 4: You are incorrect. The standard of this class is set by the instructor of this class. If she wants to be strict about no mid-sentence references, that's her call. It's a fairly normal standard, though some instructors are lenient about it.

 

Your ability to write in proper English without violation of the rules of grammar is fine. Your formal academic writing skills have room for vast amounts of stylistic improvement. Your teacher is trying to help you do that... You should let her.

 

I think the problem is that the comments that were made were not enough for the op to understand the problems with her writing. More/better explanations were needed. Those can be quite difficult to give without making specific suggestions or pointing out specifics (including the writer's wording choices) as people have done in this discussion. The manner in which the tutor gave advice is confusing if you understand what is meant in the original sentence. "Each sentence should have a clear clause and include a subject, a verb and a complete thought"-- Well, the sentence did have each of those things... If the sentence sounds fine to the writer's ear, then the advice given makes no sense. The real problem with the sentence was that it was hard for someone reading it who didn't know what was being stated to know what it meant. This is why I always tell my dc to have someone else read over their work. Unfortunately, our brains always know what our own sentences mean. That makes it difficult to catch these types of errors. (Practice does help here!)

[catz]

Well I personally think the corrector was overly wordy dying to explain. I would have marked that sentence as awkwardly worded. In some of my college level writing classes that would have just gotten an "awk". I may have marked the tutor's blurb the same. ;)

[bolt.]

I agree. The reason that I found the tutor's comments easier to interpret is because I could already see what was wrong with the sentences from the perspective of academic writing. That awareness helped me find 'a' meaning in the conmments that was a good fit with the evident sentence problems.

 

I'm actually really bad at articulating and applying the rules of basic grammar. Grammar wasn't taught as a discrete subject during my education, so I'm dependant on a general sense of when things feel right/wrong. I don't have the right vocabulary to discuss the nitty gritty of grammar itself.

[Halftime Hope]

Example #1. She is not saying it's a sentence fragment, or that it lacks those parts of speech. She's saying that it is 'fragmented' because it the word order is unnessusarily complex. She wants you to edit it so that it reads:

 

"The main idea of behavioural theory is that learning results in a change of behaviour resulting from external stimuli."

 

Compared to, "Behavioural Theory is the theory that learning results in a change of behaviour, and that this is a result of external stimuli." -- you can see that the the point of the sentence becomes more clear because the grammar is more linear.

 

Example #2. She is saying that she wants you to use a transitional word to improve your flow. She wants to know how that sentence connects to the writing that preceded it. Starting with "An" has an abrupt feel rather than a sense of continuity.

 

Instead of (An example of classroom use could be: attaching pleasure-inducing stimuli to learning that might generally elicit a negative response.) she might be looking for something more like, "In a classroom, behavioural theory can include attaching pleasure-inducing stimuli to learning that might generally elicit a negative response."

 

The feedback you are getting is to help you improve your academic writing style. She is not identifying actual grammatical errors, and your sentences might be technically correct: but good academic writing does not require the reader to diagram your sentence in order to understand it. The standard for research papers is not 'free from poor grammar' it's 'communicates well, with an academic tone and excellent flow'. A teacher who wants you to accomplish good academic writing is going to offer corrections towards that goal.

 

Example #3

 

(The predominantly middle class culture of the school environment is often relatively alien to students from lower socio-economic states (Ewing, 2013, p. 86), and because of this, these students feel a sense of not belonging, of being an outsider.)

 

More sentences result in better flow, especially if you use clearer terms instead of 'this' and 'these' to reflect your snowballing idea.

 

Try this:

 

"The predominantly middle class culture of the school environment is often relatively alien to students from lower socio-economic states." // "Impoverished students experience this difference emotionally as a sense of not belonging, of being an outsider."

 

Then: This (emotional response) can cause a withdrawal from engagement in the learning process. // (Emotional withdrawal) can be exacerbated by (some students') cultural views on the limited value of education. // In (addition to emotional and cultural factors), many impoverished students also experience limited access to resources, such as computers, printers and Internet service. Middle class families rarely lack these resources. (Gorski, 2013, p. 49).

 

Resulting in the your new clear conclusion sentence that makes your whole snowball into one very good point: "In combination emotional withdrawl, cultural undervaluing of education, and lack of resources put impoverished children at a signifucant educational disadvantage." Woolfolk & Margetts, 2013, p. 33).

 

Example 4: You are incorrect. The standard of this class is set by the instructor of this class. If she wants to be strict about no mid-sentence references, that's her call. It's a fairly normal standard, though some instructors are lenient about it.

 

Your ability to write in proper English without violation of the rules of grammar is fine. Your formal academic writing skills have room for vast amounts of stylistic improvement. Your teacher is trying to help you do that... You should let her.

 

Thank you, bolt.   If I were to fault the grader, it would be only on mis-labeling that one "conjunction." 

 

OP, this thread reminds me of several conversations I've had with my college students.  It is easy to slip into an adversarial thought pattern:  it can be hard to receive critique coming from a grader who is sloppy or imprecise in making their point. 

 

To do my best writing, I find that I absolutely HAVE to write, walk away, and then revise a time or two, to clarify and streamline the thoughts.  Then I do a final edit for grammar, usage, and mechanics.  Much as I regret it, I HAVE to plan time to follow this process if I want the grade that goes with my best writing.   Were I to write a lot more, I would hope to become a better, more efficient writer.

 

Some instructors ignore unclear, "clunky" writing.  I'm not sure they are doing anyone any favors. 

 

ETA:  I hate it when I sound like I'm "finger-wagging" in print.  I hope the edits softened some of that.  OP, congrats on pursuing and working toward your dreams! 

Edited February 24, 2016 by Halftime Hope

[Amy in NH]

Does your school have a writing resource center?  Mine does, but I think most students don't know it is there.  The center has staff dedicated to helping students edit and improve their academic writing. I agree with others that the sentences are awkward or clunky, and you could benefit from some good readers.  I also agree with others that, as a student, you should avoid taking constructive criticism too personally and becoming defensive.  Use this opportunity to improve.  I would approach the instructor directly, at the end of class or during office hours, to ask for clarification of her comments instead of going back and forth via email.

[Isabella]

l wonder if the tutor uses some sort of menu of comments, to save time, and just selects the one that best fits, rather than writing custom comments every time.  That could explain why her comments don't exactly fit the particular situation.  In the case of your second sentence, it's almost as if she clicked the wrong response, since "An" is clearly not a conjunction.  Elsewhere, calling a fragmented sentence a sentence fragment is close, but perhaps not what she meant.  I don't know if such a thing even exists, or if word processors create shortcuts for users' commonly used phrases, but it could explain her comments.  

 

Would you feel comfortable bringing up these questions with her?  I'm not clear on whether you are paying her as a private tutor, or whether she is your university instructor, but if she is your private tutor, you should be able to talk about these things.  Good communication is essential.  If she is your professor, you'll need to treat things more delicately, but she should welcome specific questions (asked with a humble, teachable spirit, of course).  

 

I wish you the best, and I admire you going back to school!  You rock!

She's my University tutor.  I don't think she's a professor…they are just called tutors.  I've emailed her, as I do this completely online, so email is the best contact way.  I just asked for clarification on her comments etc.

 

Half of the reason I was a little adversarial to begin with was that she has been an almost completely absent presence on the discussion forums, which is the place that we are supposed to submit weekly tasks to receive feedback on our writing etc.  I emailed her about this, as there were so many people asking for her feedback, and she didn't reply to virtually any.  If she did, it was a generic comment like 'Good effort. Remember to reference anything you get from outside sources'. She would write the same answer to 5 people in a burst of communication, then nothing again for weeks. After I emailed she had a burst for a few days, then again, basically nothing.  

So, yes, I probably was annoyed to start with, then these comments that didn't make sense to me.  Also the first comment was that I was WAY over the word count of 300, when in fact the assessment guidelines clearly stated 200-500 words per written entry.  

The other unit I did concurrently had amazingly positive and passionate tutors, and while they did pick up some grammatical errors, they focused mainly on the content, and whether our essays/papers demonstrated deep engagement with the unit readings/material.  This one hardly mentioned the content, but more the mechanics.  

 

But yes, I'll have to get used to feedback of all sorts, as it's not always going to be clearly communicated.  I do realise I have work to do on accepting criticism :-).

 

Thanks all, it's been really helpful to get input from so many angles. :-) I appreciate it a lot!

Edited February 25, 2016 by Isabella

[Isabella]

Does your school have a writing resource center?  Mine does, but I think most students don't know it is there.  The center has staff dedicated to helping students edit and improve their academic writing. I agree with others that the sentences are awkward or clunky, and you could benefit from some good readers.  I also agree with others that, as a student, you should avoid taking constructive criticism too personally and becoming defensive.  Use this opportunity to improve.  I would approach the instructor directly, at the end of class or during office hours, to ask for clarification of her comments instead of going back and forth via email.

We have access to some online writing help resources, but honestly, I always finish right at the last minute, so I don't have time to submit it for grammar suggestions, and wait the 24hrs for feedback.  I really need to work on that! ;-)

[Isabella]

Thank you, bolt.   If I were to fault the grader, it would be only on mis-labeling that one "conjunction." 

 

OP, this thread reminds me of several conversations I've had with my college students.  It is easy to slip into an adversarial thought pattern:  it can be hard to receive critique coming from a grader who is sloppy or imprecise in making their point. 

 

To do my best writing, I find that I absolutely HAVE to write, walk away, and then revise a time or two, to clarify and streamline the thoughts.  Then I do a final edit for grammar, usage, and mechanics.  Much as I regret it, I HAVE to plan time to follow this process if I want the grade that goes with my best writing.   Were I to write a lot more, I would hope to become a better, more efficient writer.

 

Some instructors ignore unclear, "clunky" writing.  I'm not sure they are doing anyone any favors. 

 

ETA:  I hate it when I sound like I'm "finger-wagging" in print.  I hope the edits softened some of that.  OP, congrats on pursuing and working toward your dreams! 

I think this will be the key to improvement for me.  I find it far easier to see clunky sentences in others' writing than my own!  So if I can put mine aside for a day or two, maybe it'll be more like someone else's writing.

 

Thanks for the congrats.  I'm excited about doing this. :-)