Christian perspective on this family issue?

[Tiramisu]

My sister is an alcoholic. Her early teen ds was removed from her home a couple of months ago and is living with my mother with the oversight of CPS. My sister is not complying with CPS's requests and it is likely that she will lose parental rights. My mom asked for me to get fingerprinted to be a respite care provider. 

 

She told CPS I could go to her house and temporarily take care of him if anything should happen to her. She did not want more than that because she did not want them to investigate my house. She is a little concerned about bringing attention to us as hsers, since there have been notorious cases of *supposed* hsers in our state maltreating their children. But how could I ever do that while I still have my own kids at home to take care of?

 

(FWIW, we have a three (small) bedroom house for dh and I and our four girls. Because couldn't give him a private bedroom, we wouldn't ever get approval to have my nephew stay with us.)

 

The other things is I have kids with some special needs, and dh and I feel overloaded most of the time. As it is, life is a balancing act. I don't know how I could manage another child for more than a day or two. Plus, my nephew, though he is very good with us and I love him, is very high maintenance. 

 

It feels like my attitude about this situation is very unChristian, and I'm not liking this about myself. I deeply wish I had a bigger heart and was more welcoming about the possibility of me ever providing a home to him. But the idea feels overwhelming to me on so many different levels. If it ever came down to it, we would do whatever we could, but the thought of it right now, feels too much for me. 

Edited January 15, 2016 by Tiramisu

[Slache]

It sounds like you're making excuses for your lack of faith. How's that for a slap in the face? I do the same thing. We all do. You could totally do it. It wouldn't be as hard as you're thinking. I know, I've been there. Do you have someone you look up to, like your pastor, his wife or a missionary? If so call them.

[Liz CA]

1. How old is your mother, what is her state of health? I am not asking you to make the answers public - it's just something to consider.

2. Your getting finger printed is just in case of an emergency until long-term care can be arranged? In this case I see no problem since you mentioned that you would be able to help for a few days.

3. Any cousins or other relatives or good friends who would share this emergency assistance responsibility with you?

4. What baggage is he carrying from living with an alcoholic parent? Does he receive help in dealing with it?

 

I can see that this is a difficult situation for all involved.

[JudoMom]

God doesn't give advances on grace. He gives you the grace when you need it.

 

Your first responsibility is to your children. Pray for clarity and wisdom about your nephew. Don't make decisions out of obligation, but don't make them out of fear, either. If you can't be a caregiver, don't be. There are others who can give care to your nephew.

 

Sorry if this sounds short-I am typing on my phone.

[JudoMom]

DP

Edited January 15, 2016 by JudoMom

[fairfarmhand]

The Best Yes by Lysa Terkeurst might be helpful.

 

Every mission is not MY mission. Sometimes a well thought out NO helps others to step up and do what THEY need to do.

[FaithManor]

Foster parenting even if it is a relative's child is very, very challenging and can destroy relationships. BTDT got the tee shirt when we fostered a niece for six months. I have also done temporary respite care for foster families as well. So please take this to heart - you need to be brutally honest with yourself about what you can and cannot handle, and then only do that much.

 

Additionally, your nephew has likely been deeply, profoundly wounded by his mother's alcoholism. Are you prepared to deal with the emotional end of this? Can your children handle this?

 

This isn't really a question of faith or Christianity but one of what is best for all of the children involved. It is not unchristian to admit one's limits because this protects all parties from future trauma that could have been avoided.

[Slache]

In making the decision you should also consider the safety of your girls. I noticed only two are in your signature so I assume the other two are rather young.

[Jean in Newcastle]

When I did respite care it was often for very short periods of time.  Are you willing to spell your mother for an afternoon off on occasion or for an overnight?  If so, I would do the fingerprinting/background check.  If not, then you need to let her know now so that she can find someone who can give her that back up.  (No opinion on whether you should or shouldn't.)

[Tiramisu]

In making the decision you should also consider the safety of your girls. I noticed only two are in your signature so I assume the other two are rather young.

 

The other two are older and not hsing anymore. But the two listed in my sig are younger, one quite a bit younger. The safety thing has come up in my mind due to past issues. I can't elaborate, but yes.

[Tiramisu]

When I did respite care it was often for very short periods of time.  Are you willing to spell your mother for an afternoon off on occasion or for an overnight?  If so, I would do the fingerprinting/background check.  If not, then you need to let her know now so that she can find someone who can give her that back up.  (No opinion on whether you should or shouldn't.)

 

Yes, we have done that already, and we have been allowed to do that without being official respite care providers. 

 

There are also adult siblings nearby who are in stable situations but my mom didn't ask them. But if there were a true emergency, I think everyone would pitch in.

[Twigs]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

I don't think the  "biggness" of your heart is in question. It sounds like the practicalities (size of your house, your own children with special needs, etc.) of your life are what limits you. It is wise that you have realized this now, not after you take on more than you can handle. Your 1st responsibility is to yourself and your immediate family. Best wishes.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Tiramisu]

God doesn't give advances on grace. He gives you the grace when you need it.

 

Your first responsibility is to your children. Pray for clarity and wisdom about your nephew. Don't make decisions out of obligation, but don't make them out of fear, either. If you can't be a caregiver, don't be. There are others who can give care to your nephew.

 

Sorry if this sounds short-I am typing on my phone.

 

You may think this short, but it gets to the heart of it. Thank you.

 

I don't want to make decisions out of fear, but sometimes it's hard for me to sift through fear and prudence. I think prayer is the only answer for that.

[TianXiaXueXiao]

I don't think it's a good idea for you to fill this role. Your husband and children are your prority. It would be different if you didn't have small children in the home and if dh was on board 100%. I would not recommend you take this on. There's too much at stake especially for your nephew who needs and deserves undivided attention. Do you have any other siblings who have fewer commitments and more availability to fill the role this child needs?

[Tiramisu]

I don't think it's a good idea for you to fill this role. Your husband and children are your prority. It would be different if you didn't have small children in the home and if dh was on board 100%. I would not recommend you take this on. There's too much at stake especially for your nephew who needs and deserves undivided attention. Do you have any other siblings who have fewer commitments and more availability to fill the role this child needs?

 

No siblings of mine are nearby or suitable. He has one sibling in particular (grown with a stable job, in a stable relationship) who I think would provide good care for him, but my mom decided to hold off on that for awhile. That sibling has helped out.

[Tiramisu]

1. How old is your mother, what is her state of health? I am not asking you to make the answers public - it's just something to consider.

2. Your getting finger printed is just in case of an emergency until long-term care can be arranged? In this case I see no problem since you mentioned that you would be able to help for a few days.

3. Any cousins or other relatives or good friends who would share this emergency assistance responsibility with you?

4. What baggage is he carrying from living with an alcoholic parent? Does he receive help in dealing with it?

 

I can see that this is a difficult situation for all involved.

 

My mom is in her late sixties. She is in good health, except for high blood pressure. This situation hasn't been helped by that. I worry about her being alone. He has been very good with her, but he's just starting out his teens and the teen years can be tough for anyone. I'm a little worried about her facing the day to day of that alone.

 

No cousins or anyone else, just his siblings. My mother has thought about asking her friend if they need a respite house. But that woman is also older with a history of health problems.

 

CPS has actually been extremely thorough with physical, psychological, and educational evaluations. They have recommended therapy but my mom has had to wait for the insurance card to come to get started on therapy.

[bettyandbob]

I think you have to be honest with your mom about what you can handle.

 

Your mom is probably going to you first because you are also a mom and have the experience of family responsibility.

 

Can you talk to the other person who is possibility and approach your mom.

[Mom2OandE]

Are there other siblings who can be a back up?

Edited January 15, 2016 by Mom2OandE

[Valley Girl]

The safety thing has come up in my mind due to past issues. I can't elaborate, but yes.

 

If you have legitimate safety concerns, then that trumps EVERYTHING else in my opinion.

 

I love how fairfarmhand expressed things: that saying "no" when you really can't gives others the opportunity to step up.

 

Just because you can't do it all (and you every right to decide you can't), doesn't mean you may not be able to offer some level of help or support in another way to whomever does have primary responsibility. That's still caring and contributing and making a difference.

[bolt.]

This reminds me of an argument I once had, about whether responsible people in a youth organization needed to pass a physical fitness test. Many people said "Yes, for emergencies. What if a youth was injured or in danger?"

 

I responded that such a requirement with that reasoning was absurd. What if two youth were injured? Should each worker be able to carry two to safety? What if there were three?

 

It's not unchristian for you to know how many children you can carry at once.

 

If there may be an emergency, there may be a miracle. Or there may be a tragedy. Or something in between, where you can help, but it has a significant cost. None of those possibilities means that 'good Christians' should ignore good sense, just because they wish they could carry more.

 

There are always more needs than resources. The appropriate response is godly sorrow, not beating yourself up, or setting yourself up to juggle children as if it didn't matter if you drop those balls.

 

Do what you can. Acknowledge what you can't. Guilt is not an emotion that comes from above.

[dirty ethel rackham]

Foster parenting even if it is a relative's child is very, very challenging and can destroy relationships. BTDT got the tee shirt when we fostered a niece for six months. I have also done temporary respite care for foster families as well. So please take this to heart - you need to be brutally honest with yourself about what you can and cannot handle, and then only do that much.

 

Additionally, your nephew has likely been deeply, profoundly wounded by his mother's alcoholism. Are you prepared to deal with the emotional end of this? Can your children handle this?

 

This isn't really a question of faith or Christianity but one of what is best for all of the children involved. It is not unchristian to admit one's limits because this protects all parties from future trauma that could have been avoided.

:iagree: Liking this isn't enough.  You already said that you have some heavy loads yourself to carry.  It is OK to say no to anything that you don't feel that you can do. 

 

If you have legitimate safety concerns, then that trumps EVERYTHING else in my opinion.

 

I love how fairfarmhand expressed things: that saying "no" when you really can't gives others the opportunity to step up.

 

Just because you can't do it all (and you every right to decide you can't), doesn't mean you may not be able to offer some level of help or support in another way to whomever does have primary responsibility. That's still caring and contributing and making a difference.

:iagree:

[Mama Geek]

There are some things we are equipped to do and some things that we are not and what those things are vary from person to person or family to family.  I figured out that I am not a good person to teach a sunday school class.  There are other things that I can do and that is just not one of them, it stresses me out and I feel like there are people much better at it than I am.  I don't even really want to be in charge of a group of kids.  I love mine and I would be happy to have one of dd's friends over.  Maybe it is because I am an old parent or maybe it is something else.  I don't think I would be good at helping out troubled kids, it is not where my skills are and it so far is not where I have been called.

 

It is ok to say no.

[gardenmom5]

you've received some very good advice.  be realistic.  your own family comes first. real answers to prayers will let you know what you should do, and what will be best in the end.

[Ottakee]

Personally, I would get the finger printing done "just in case" but keep it at just the emegency respite level. I agree that now is not the time for you to take him full time unless some situations change....and you can assure the safety of your girls.

 

We have been foster parents for 20 years to over 100 kids. We still say no to some situations. We just aren't the best fit for all kids/situations.

[pehp]

I do not see you as being unchristian or lacking faith.  Pray about it, for sure, but your thoughts are perfectly reasonable.  As parents we take baptismal vows (or dedication vows, whatever your church does) for our children.  We take seriously their care and well-being. If you do not think that you can balance care for your nephew and your own children then that's okay.  If you are comfortable with doing only emergency respite care, then do that, but don't guilt yourself into (or allow others to guilt you into) believing that you are showing a lack of faith by declining this responsibility.  

 

[texasmama]

It is not unchristian to know your limits and to choose safety for your own children.

 

BTDT with two nieces about ten years ago. I was able so I did.

 

You are not obligated.

[AimeeM]

I do not think that recognizing your own limitations means that you haven't a "big heart" and I don't think there's anything unchristian about recognizing your limitations. On the contrary, understanding that you couldn't give your Dear Nephew what he needs is the OPPOSITE of un-christian behavior.

[SKL]

I would get the fingerprinting done etc. as a potential respite helper at this point.  It doesn't mean you have to take the child into your home.  You can always say no to that.

 

If I'm understanding correctly, this request is intended to help prevent the boy from being placed with strangers.  To me, your mom's immediate request seems minor compared to the alternative.

[Laurie4b]

I have done specialized foster care, but if you have any concerns about the safety of your children with him, then for their sake and for his (don't give him the chance to create more heartache), you cannot do respite care in your home. 

 

If you can do respite care for a few days in your mom's home, fine. 

 

Also, CPS, at least in our state, is responsible for providing respite care. The foster parent could ask if so-and-so could do it but the foster parent is not put in the position of finding their own. It is fine to let him go into respite foster care if that is needed. 

[Aiden]

You've been given good advice. I'd do the fingerprinting in case of emergency, but I'd also be clear with my mom about what I could and couldn't do. In this case, it sounds like you can do occasional respite care in her home, but not in yours, and maybe or maybe not overnight. Your nephew has an older brother who sounds like he's in a position to help--that may be a better option, especially if there's a safety concern with your daughters.

[lmrich]

Get the fingerprinting done now and deal with the other stuff later. God will not give you a situation that you and He cannot handle. If there is an emergency situation and your nephew has to stay with you, it will work itself out. It just will. That is faith. I would also be proactive and start talking to his adult siblings about getting their fingerprints done within the next 3  months or so. If your mother falls ills, you will need to be her caregiver too. 

[Ottakee]

Along with you getting finger printed have his older brother (and any other adults in that house) get finger printed just in case. You can still always say no but in an emergency situation, it will make things much easier if this is done.

 

Again, as a Christian, we have very often had to say NO to various foster/respite situations. That is fine and often needs to be done for the safety of the other children in the home.

[Alexigail]

I haven't read all the replies, but I do think this is much more complicated than the openness of your heart.  I'm saying this as the child of an alcoholic: it's hard to believe that her behavior has not affected her child, especially if he was removed from her.  The scars of alcoholism are far reaching and take a long time to heal.  I'm not suggesting that he's dangerous by any means, but you have to think very carefully when you bring dysfunction into your home.

 

From a Christian perspective, I think it's also valid to say with humility "I don't have the resources to do right by this child".  It's not evil or lacking faith to say you have a responsibility to the children God gave you.  Pray about it, and ask God what His will is. It's not always what appears to others or even yourself to be the Christian thing to do.  

 

I hope that you all find healing.  You may benefit from attending Al Anon meetings.  Alcoholism in a sibling is a difficult thing to navigate, especially when there are children involved.  

[kroe1]

I have not read the other responses. But, I do not know where in the Bible it says one must care for his sister's son. Let yourself off the hook for this one.

 

Many Christians falsely believe they are expected to be perfect and the solvers of all the ills of the world. But, that is God's job. We are just helpers in what we can do, nothing more.

[Jennifer132]

Respite is just a glorified term for babysitting. If your mom needed to go out, you would have the background checks to watch him in their home. If something ever happened to your mom and he needed full time care, you could easily cross that bridge when you came to it (seems an unlikely scenario, unless your mom is in very bad health). Just because you are able to do respite, doesn't obligate you...

 

He is your nephew, and God forbid something worse would happen and he would need you full time, I do feel the Christian perspective is to take him in at least until a safe, suitable placement can be found. Yes, it will disrupt your life, maybe a lot, but he is your kin and consider the trauma he has been through and the life disruption he has gone though as well. The only caveat I have is if he is likely to abuse your children, then I would not consider an in home placement, but would be willing to do respite.

 

Fwiw, I was a foster mom and adopted our daughter through foster care. I have other children with special needs (autism) and feel overloaded as well. You do what needs doing and trust in God's strength.

[Catwoman]

The other two are older and not hsing anymore. But the two listed in my sig are younger, one quite a bit younger. The safety thing has come up in my mind due to past issues. I can't elaborate, but yes.

If there is even the slightest question about your children's safety -- EVEN THE SLIGHTEST QUESTION -- just say no. Period. End of story.

 

Never, ever put your own children at risk. If you do and something happens, you will never forgive yourself.

 

I feel sorry for your mom and your nephew, but unless you can help your mom on an occasional basis at her house, I think you should say no and not feel guilty about it.

[Catwoman]

Get the fingerprinting done now and deal with the other stuff later. God will not give you a situation that you and He cannot handle. If there is an emergency situation and your nephew has to stay with you, it will work itself out. It just will. That is faith. I would also be proactive and start talking to his adult siblings about getting their fingerprints done within the next 3 months or so. If your mother falls ills, you will need to be her caregiver too.

I disagree.

 

Tiramisu has already posted that there are safety concerns regarding her nephew and her own children. I wasn't looking at the situation from a religious perspective, but if I was, my feeling would be that perhaps God has given her this warning so she can protect her own children and not allow this boy into her home.

[almondbutterandjelly]

Your children and your husband are your first ministry.  Remember that.  

[gardenmom5]

Get the fingerprinting done now and deal with the other stuff later. God will not give you a situation that you and He cannot handle. If there is an emergency situation and your nephew has to stay with you, it will work itself out. It just will. That is faith. I would also be proactive and start talking to his adult siblings about getting their fingerprints done within the next 3  months or so. If your mother falls ills, you will need to be her caregiver too. 

 

I've known alot of people to use the reasoning that "God won't give them more than they can handle" - but go out and get themselves in over their own heads by igoring warning signs.  well, they did it to themselves. 

God gave us a brain - and expect us to use it.

Edited January 15, 2016 by gardenmom5

[Seasider]

My understanding is that God instructs us to be compassionate, but also wise.

 

Perhaps a conditional yes? Have a talk with your mom about *exactly* what circumstances constitute respite care. A doctor appointment? Or lunch out with friends? Only in a medical emergency? Consider that having to go to her house to provide this care (under the circumstances, having him in your home is unwise) will take you away from your own family. How much time are you available for this?

 

Also, if I were to agree to be fingerprinted, that older sibling would be right alongside me doing the same. If something happens to your mom that involves her inability to continue in the role of guardian, you need to be sure the brother is set up to become the permanent caregiver.

[Tiramisu]

I haven't read all the replies, but I do think this is much more complicated than the openness of your heart.  I'm saying this as the child of an alcoholic: it's hard to believe that her behavior has not affected her child, especially if he was removed from her.  The scars of alcoholism are far reaching and take a long time to heal.  I'm not suggesting that he's dangerous by any means, but you have to think very carefully when you bring dysfunction into your home.

 

From a Christian perspective, I think it's also valid to say with humility "I don't have the resources to do right by this child".  It's not evil or lacking faith to say you have a responsibility to the children God gave you.  Pray about it, and ask God what His will is. It's not always what appears to others or even yourself to be the Christian thing to do.  

 

I hope that you all find healing.  You may benefit from attending Al Anon meetings.  Alcoholism in a sibling is a difficult thing to navigate, especially when there are children involved.  

 

This is very nice. Thank you. A few years ago, I went to a few al anon meetings and I've been thinking of going again.

 

 

Tiramisu has already posted that there are safety concerns regarding her nephew and her own children. I wasn't looking at the situation from a religious perspective, but if I was, my feeling would be that perhaps God has given her this warning so she can protect her own children and not allow this boy into her home.

 

The safety concerns are not due to any specific behavior of his we've ever seen. They come from our concerns of exposure he may have had in his own home. It's not something I'd even worry about if he were younger than my children but because he's quite a bit older than one of my girls, it's something I want to be cautious about.

[Catwoman]

The safety concerns are not due to any specific behavior of his we've ever seen. They come from our concerns of exposure he may have had in his own home. It's not something I'd even worry about if he were younger than my children but because he's quite a bit older than one of my girls, it's something I want to be cautious about.

I think your concerns are very reasonable and sensible.

[OnMyOwn]

I understand. I will likely be in a similar position sometime in the next year and while I will help some, I'm not sure how much I am really willing to take on.