Relax, it will all work out

[DawnM]

Or:

 

It will be fine, just don't worry.

 

Why do people say this when they have NO idea if it will be or not?

 

My friend's husband just was diagnosed with cancer.  People said, "Oh, it will all be ok" or similar.  

 

You know what?  It WAS NOT OK!  

 

Why can't people just say, "I am so sorry" or, "I really hope this all goes well."

 

When people are say it will all be ok, to me it is just dismissive and implies your issue isn't a big deal to whoever says it.

 

Why does this bother me so much?

[prairiewindmomma]

Yup.

 

I came to the conclusion that some people have social disabilities. It has helped me cope with the stupid carp that comes out of their mouths.

 

My favorite? My daughter died because "she was too good for this earth". Um, no. She died because of cancer.

[lollie010]

It bothers me, too! I get mad. I don't think I would get upset if someone actually said it to me, because I would think they were just doing their best to be encouraging. But, when it's been said to my friends or family, I think it's ridiculous.

 

I just lost a friend who was diagnosed with a stage 1 highly treatable form of cancer. She was going through radiation and everyone was all like "it's just stage 1--it's going to be fine." 4 weeks later she died and no one ever validated her fears or pain--because it was all going to be ok. :(

[Liz CA]

You are right. It does sound as if it's no big deal BUT what they are really really saying is something like this: "I wish I had an answer. I am feeling so helpless and useless and I just don't want to consider what could be happening here. So I am just going to say to myself and everyone else: "It's going to be okay." Because I need to believe that, otherwise I don't know what to do.

 

Sorry for your friend and her dh. People do want to be encouraging. If I am asked, I try to encourage people to do as much as possible their own research and find a physician with whom they can really talk, feel heard and understood.

[creekland]

Count me among those who are very bugged by those statements - esp when they come from people who have never BTDT.  Actually, come to think of it, they always come from people who have never BTDT.

 

I chalk it up to "they have no idea" and just try to nod (to be polite) and let the conversation go elsewhere.  Then I sometimes opt to vent with those who "get it."  They never mind.  They're just as likely to be venting to me about the issue!

[DawnM]

Yup.

 

I came to the conclusion that some people have social disabilities. It has helped me cope with the stupid carp that comes out of their mouths.

 

My favorite? My daughter died because "she was too good for this earth". Um, no. She died because of cancer.

 

 

I am so sorry.

[Anne in CA]

You are not the only person who cannot stand this. Those people telling me everything will be fine MAKE ME MAD! Who says that to someone in real trouble????

 

My dd has a friend who lives with her grandparents and her grandmother has a fatal lung condition. She says people are always telling her that her grandma will be just fine... No, she won't, she is dying!! I think people don't want to be real with a fifteen year old girl, but they make it worse.

 

I am sorry about your friend's husband.

[DawnM]

N/M 

 

I don't know who reads these threads, so I will remain vague and just be frustrated.

[Guest]

When someone is sick, especially a religious person, it tends to be a clumsy way of acknowledging how there are no good answers but God is sovereign over this and all other trials. I think it comes off terribly in the moment, even well meant, so I try to be conscious of just saying "that sucks! I'm so sorry!".

[DawnM]

When someone is sick, especially a religious person, it tends to be a clumsy way of acknowledging how there are no good answers but God is sovereign over this and all other trials. I think it comes off terribly in the moment, even well meant, so I try to be conscious of just saying "that sucks! I'm so sorry!".

 

And if you have gone through the exact same trial, you are allowed to say certain things.  If you haven't, you need to be mindful of being trite.

 

I HATE the, "God's got this" new saying......yeah, God's got everything, so I guess no one should ever be upset or worry about anything?????

 

Lately I have  been frustrated with the, "God must think you can handle that, I sure couldn't."  

 

Sigh, I guess people just bug me right now.

[Guest]

And if you have gone through the exact same trial, you are allowed to say certain things. If you haven't, you need to be mindful of being trite.

 

I HATE the, "God's got this" new saying......yeah, God's got everything, so I guess no one should ever be upset or worry about anything?????

 

Lately I have been frustrated with the, "God must think you can handle that, I sure couldn't."

 

Sigh, I guess people just bug me right now.

I think both of those are terribly inappropriate. Even when I have experience, as I do with cancer, loss, etc, I just don't assume everyone is ready or able to hear most comments. I try to follow the lead of the friend - one who comments on God's power in their trial is going to get a different conversation from me than someone who is in the angry/depressed stage.

 

Grief is a challenge for people in this culture, Christian or not. I think the bible really nailed it in the 'weep with those who weep' advice.

 

People bug me sometimes, too - just do your best to avoid them ;)

[Guest]

I think sometimes, they see something from a greater perspective and remember being in that also very challenging time and want to speak to the possibility that - for real, it will be all right. So let's say, purely hypothetical, your BIL was "downsized" from his job four years ago and their family went through enormous stress and difficulty. BUT they did make it through and maybe their new venture/job/career has been better than the one they lost. So now, if your DH gets "downsized," they believe they have the greater perspective, are sorry to see the enormous stress you are now under, and want to reassure you that it may, in fact, work out.

 

Howver, it is also true that people sometimes say that because they can't help, don't want to feel bad, and don't know how to sit with the distress of another. So that is a possibility, too.

[creekland]

I think, in general, folks want to "fix" things and don't realize the person doesn't need things fixed at that moment.  They just need to vent and be able to express their feelings without advice or judgment.  

 

Most realize when things can actually be alright.  That's not really what they are worried about to be honest...  The brain needs to come to terms with the idea that things may NOT be ok - or in some cases - WILL not be ok (for what they are worried about).  Telling them that their worries are worthless does more harm than good for most.  Allowing people to vent and process things is almost always better.

[Mimm]

Ok, well, I would NEVER say that in a situation where someone's life was on the line. That seems a very insensitive thing to say to a cancer diagnosis.

 

I have said it in situations where people generally cope with the problem and find solutions that work out in the end. My sister was stressing about finding a place to live. "Don't worry, you'll find something." And she did. Of course, I tend to use that in situations where I'm willing to do what it takes to make it work out. Same sister was freaking out her school schedule one time and needing child care, and I said something like, "Don't worry, we'll work it out. Do what you need to do." Us working it out involved me watching her kid two days a week all semester.

[creekland]

I have said it in situations where people generally cope with the problem and find solutions that work out in the end. 

 

In those situations I like to encourage folks to think about the "worst" that can happen and plot out a way to survive that.  "What if I don't get accepted into X college???"  OK, what if you don't?  Let's set a plan.  What do you want for Plan B.

 

Having a Plan B can really help ease angst.

 

It all helps them process their fears.

[kewb]

When my father was dieing in the hospital a woman who was visiting her ex husband stopped to talk to me because I was crying in the hallway. She told me the story of the blue butterfly. At the time all I could think is "why are you telling me this story. There is not going to be a miracle for my father." I just wanted her to go away.

It is now years later and I look back on that moment and realize how nice this total stranger was to me.

So, when I hear don't worry, relax, etc. I now realize it is people trying to be helpful and supportive. It is not easy to be helpful in many situations because there is nothing you can do. So they say the first thing that sounds like it could be comforting. And maybe we can't see or accept the comfort at that moment because our emotions are too raw.

[DesertBlossom]

I have tried to be more careful and just say I'm sorry. Really, that's all that can be said.

 

Years ago when my toddler was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes I had a few well-meaning people say things like "at least it's not cancer." On a logical level, I understood that. But it didn't make things any easier. I was still beside myself with worry and sadness and frustration and I felt like everything I knew was falling apart. Looking back, I can say now, it's *just diabetes* and recognize things could be worse. But people need the time and space to grieve over whatever challenges and heartache they are going through. Pointing out that it could be worse and dismissing their current pain with "it will be okay" doesn't give them the permission and space to heal and work through things. "I'm so sorry, that really sucks" is all you can say.

[FaithManor]

I am taking care of my dad, a mentally ill stage IV cancer patient, and my mom who was injured in a car accident, and I've had my fill of this kind of thing. It is just astounding what some people say. I really do not appreciate the dismissive, flippant comments. If you can't think of anything appropriate to say, don't say anything at all. Really.

 

The worst I've had though was a fundamentalist woman from a local church - a customer of my parents' business - told me that the reason we were in the car accident last year, and now this is that obviously God had tried to teach me something last year and I was obviously too stubborn to learn so now he had to do something even more drastic to get my attention. She then went on to say that I needed to shape up and figure out God's message before I killed my father with my sin.

 

At that point, I had truly had enough, and told her to get away from me, from my parents' business, and ceases and desist all contact with my family. Apparently nothing bad has ever happened to her simply because she is perfect.

[Guest]

Faith - you didn't slug her? I'm pretty sure that would have been merciful compared to how she treated you.

[Mergath]

Whenever I hear someone say "It'll be okay," I mentally translate it to, "I don't know what to say or do, but I feel bad and I want to do something to try to make you feel better." Some people just aren't good at saying the right thing at the right time.

[BlsdMama]

 

 

When people are say it will all be ok, to me it is just dismissive and implies your issue isn't a big deal to whoever says it.

 

Why does this bother me so much?

Because exactly that.... 

It feels like they are just smoothing it over so they can go on to a topic that is less uncomfortable.

 

I think people mean well.  For the most part, a lot of people are relatively untouched by tragedy.  But even folks who have drowned in family death will say, "It's for the best."  I think that is self soothing?  But honestly, I didn't need to hear it from my mom when our daughter died.

 

Some people just don't have internal filters.  Or maybe what is comforting for them they think will be  comforting for others?  Or they lack empathy?  I dunno.

[BlsdMama]

I am taking care of my dad, a mentally ill stage IV cancer patient, and my mom who was injured in a car accident, and I've had my fill of this kind of thing. It is just astounding what some people say. I really do not appreciate the dismissive, flippant comments. If you can't think of anything appropriate to say, don't say anything at all. Really.

 

The worst I've had though was a fundamentalist woman from a local church - a customer of my parents' business - told me that the reason we were in the car accident last year, and now this is that obviously God had tried to teach me something last year and I was obviously too stubborn to learn so now he had to do something even more drastic to get my attention. She then went on to say that I needed to shape up and figure out God's message before I killed my father with my sin.

 

At that point, I had truly had enough, and told her to get away from me, from my parents' business, and ceases and desist all contact with my family. Apparently nothing bad has ever happened to her simply because she is perfect.

 

Speechless.

[BlsdMama]

In those situations I like to encourage folks to think about the "worst" that can happen and plot out a way to survive that.  "What if I don't get accepted into X college???"  OK, what if you don't?  Let's set a plan.  What do you want for Plan B.

 

Having a Plan B can really help ease angst.

 

It all helps them process their fears.

 

Honestly?  This would really offend me if I was mourning.... like at the beginning of a diagnosis, dealing with pain, shock, etc.  

 

No.  Sympathy, empathy, not thinking of the worst and planning for it.... Not unless I asked for help on that one.  Sympathy.  Empathy.  And no advice unless specifically asked.

[Kerileanne99]

I am taking care of my dad, a mentally ill stage IV cancer patient, and my mom who was injured in a car accident, and I've had my fill of this kind of thing. It is just astounding what some people say. I really do not appreciate the dismissive, flippant comments. If you can't think of anything appropriate to say, don't say anything at all. Really.

 

The worst I've had though was a fundamentalist woman from a local church - a customer of my parents' business - told me that the reason we were in the car accident last year, and now this is that obviously God had tried to teach me something last year and I was obviously too stubborn to learn so now he had to do something even more drastic to get my attention. She then went on to say that I needed to shape up and figure out God's message before I killed my father with my sin.

 

At that point, I had truly had enough, and told her to get away from me, from my parents' business, and ceases and desist all contact with my family. Apparently nothing bad has ever happened to her simply because she is perfect.

So sorry that happened. I HOPE they are trying to help...but I have been on the receiving end of that vitriole too often to be sympathetic. I had one woman tell me the reason I was in a wheelchair after my Army service was because I hadn't heeded God's messages to stop killing women and babies?! And another tell me that I must have done something truly awful to have God punishing me that way. And yet another kindly tell me that it was good that I was in a wheelchair because God never gives people things they can't handle....

Most people truly just don't know what to say and what comes out is their clumsy or stuttered attempt at consolation. This I can at least understand.

[Liz CA]

Honestly?  This would really offend me if I was mourning.... like at the beginning of a diagnosis, dealing with pain, shock, etc.  

 

No.  Sympathy, empathy, not thinking of the worst and planning for it.... Not unless I asked for help on that one.  Sympathy.  Empathy.  And no advice unless specifically asked.

 

I think Creekland meant if the issue was something other than tragic or life threatening such as "I didn't get the job," or "I didn't get into college."

[creekland]

Honestly?  This would really offend me if I was mourning.... like at the beginning of a diagnosis, dealing with pain, shock, etc.  

 

No.  Sympathy, empathy, not thinking of the worst and planning for it.... Not unless I asked for help on that one.  Sympathy.  Empathy.  And no advice unless specifically asked.

 

In mourning (serious illness, death, serious shock) absolutely.  That's what my previous post of "just listen" was for.

 

That second post was for things folks are worried about that aren't in the same category.  Generally in my world this is kids applying to colleges or for jobs after high school.  

 

Two totally different types of brain stressors, but both real to those in their situations.

 

Sorry I wasn't clear in my posts.  

 

I think Creekland meant if the issue was something other than tragic or life threatening such as "I didn't get the job," or "I didn't get into college."

 

Yes!

[Garga]

I think Creekland meant if the issue was something other than tragic or life threatening such as "I didn't get the job," or "I didn't get into college."

That's what I thought, too.

 

 

My MIL's older sister has alzheimers. My MIL will fret, wondering if she'll get it, too. My sweet DH tries to comfort her and says, "Eh! You'll be fine!" She's in her 70s. Her mom had alzheimers and her sister now has alzheimers. Her fear is very, very valid.

 

He was surprised when I told him that that "comforting" her by telling her that she'll be fine is not the right thing to do. He needs to just listen to her vent out her fears. She's always been a bit forgetful and I can see where she'd be terrified every time she forgets something that she's getting alzheimers, too. He finally told her, "Mom, at the first sign of it, if it happens at all, I'll tell you so you can get on some meds right away."

 

That was a little better than just telling her she'd be fine and changing the subject. She's a scared 73 year old woman. She needs her son to listen to her and let her know that no matter what, he'll still love her and help care for her when she can't take care of herself.

[Catherine]

Agreeing.  Actually, people who say, "Relax" make me want to punch their lights out!  And honestly, I am a pretty calm person normally.  

[FaithManor]

Faith - you didn't slug her? I'm pretty sure that would have been merciful compared to how she treated you.

No slugging, though I was livid. But I am rather fragile right now and not so good at advocating for myself, so I went into my mom's old office and cried. People are so cruel.

 

Dad is a real handful. I am not certain how much longer my brother and I can do this. It is a real problem because my mom just can not see what this is doing to us so when we mention hospice facility or nursing home, she loses it.

 

Anyway, it has been an eye opener to just how little many humans sensor themselves.

[DawnM]

In those situations I like to encourage folks to think about the "worst" that can happen and plot out a way to survive that.  "What if I don't get accepted into X college???"  OK, what if you don't?  Let's set a plan.  What do you want for Plan B.

 

Having a Plan B can really help ease angst.

 

It all helps them process their fears.

 

 

This is my tactic too.  

[PeacefulChaos]

I say this about myself, because it's how I feel.  

 

My general attitude about... well... everything... is just that whatever happens, happens.  I don't get scared of things, I don't worry about things, I don't stress over things.  Some things suck, but whatever will be will be, kwim?

 

 

However... 

 

I can't say I'd say it to someone else.  I'm not sure.  I guess I might, depending on the circumstances.  For example, if a friend said 'DH was just diagnosed with cancer', I wouldn't say it.  But if they were talking about other things relating to it: finances, taking care of kids, how would life work out with going back and forth to the doctors, treatments, etc, etc.... then I may say something along those lines.  Because we do what we have to do.  

 

So yeah.  Just my .02. 

[Melissa in Australia]

Yup.

 

I came to the conclusion that some people have social disabilities. It has helped me cope with the stupid carp that comes out of their mouths.

 

My favorite? My daughter died because "she was too good for this earth". Um, no. She died because of cancer.

:grouphug:

[DawnM]

I think sometimes, they see something from a greater perspective and remember being in that also very challenging time and want to speak to the possibility that - for real, it will be all right. So let's say, purely hypothetical, your BIL was "downsized" from his job four years ago and their family went through enormous stress and difficulty. BUT they did make it through and maybe their new venture/job/career has been better than the one they lost. So now, if your DH gets "downsized," they believe they have the greater perspective, are sorry to see the enormous stress you are now under, and want to reassure you that it may, in fact, work out.

 

Howver, it is also true that people sometimes say that because they can't help, don't want to feel bad, and don't know how to sit with the distress of another. So that is a possibility, too.

  

But you still don't know it will all be alright, just because it worked out for someone else.

 

A friend's husband just got a job after seven years of having no job.  They now have 0 savings, 0 retirement savings, and are in tremendous debt.  He is over age 55, so now he is well aware he will be working until he physically cannot work anymore, there will be no actual retirement.

 

Their house is shifting on its foundation, but they can't move because they took every penny out in equity to live on.

 

The salary he is currently making in his new job is less than the job he left 7 years ago.

 

There was no silver lining, there was no "better" road ahead.  It still hasn't all worked out.

 

Listen, I am not all gloom and doom, although it may appear so, but I want to be a realist and know that life doesn't all just work out peachy for everyone.  In all of that I want to be sympathetic and empathetic to other's plights and not dismiss them with trite sayings or platitudes.  I want people to know I really do care and I am listening.

 

Dawn

[Guest]

I understand that...just because it worked out for Person A doesn't mean it will work out for Person B. I'm just saying the speaker's heart might be in the right place; they may be optimistic in nature, and I don't think it is always a flaw to attempt to be reassuring.

 

Hear me, because of my own tragic outcome in pregnancy, I am very leary whenever a friend has a problematic pregnancy. In the back of my mind, I think they may have a very bad outcome. But - good heavens! - I'm not going to say this! There is a good chance I am going to say something reassuring, because it would be extremely cruel to say, "Hmm. When my blood pressure shot up, it meant very bad things and my baby died." In the back of my mind, I am saying to myself that if the worst happens, we'll deal with that when it comes; in the meantime, I'm going to hope for the best and try to be comforting.

[Lizzie in Ma]

I know they probably mean well, but I hate it too.

[DawnM]

I understand that...just because it worked out for Person A doesn't mean it will work out for Person B. I'm just saying the speaker's heart might be in the right place; they may be optimistic in nature, and I don't think it is always a flaw to attempt to be reassuring.

 

Hear me, because of my own tragic outcome in pregnancy, I am very leary whenever a friend has a problematic pregnancy. In the back of my mind, I think they may have a very bad outcome. But - good heavens! - I'm not going to say this! There is a good chance I am going to say something reassuring, because it would be extremely cruel to say, "Hmm. When my blood pressure shot up, it meant very bad things and my baby died." In the back of my mind, I am saying to myself that if the worst happens, we'll deal with that when it comes; in the meantime, I'm going to hope for the best and try to be comforting.

 

 

But saying, "I really hope this goes well" is different than, "Oh, it WILL all go just fine."

[creekland]

I think the main problem is we're brought up with media (movies, TV, books) that show a happy ending for the main character.  Things always work out.  That's the ideal world we learn about.  Even history is written by the winners/survivors.  Believers in the Prosperity Gospel don't help either - and can get really confused or lose faith because we live in the real world.

 

The real world has stories like middle son's first (planned) roommate for college.  The two had become great friends with plans spanning a lifetime.  It still hurts to think about it.  Do NOT read the link if you can't take the real world's heartbreak.

 

https://bissanfreedom.wordpress.com/2012/07/15/my-friend-forgive-me-for-not-knowing-as-much-as-i-can-about-you/

 

In the real world, my heart often aches that I can't fix things - jobs, finances, illnesses, unfortunate accidents, etc.

 

If people knew more about the real world they wouldn't do things like Text and Drive (or taking eyes off a person swimming), but we're way too conditioned by that ideal world we think we live in.

[FaithManor]

I would like to say that I do not believe it is the job of the person suffering to gloss over and accept callous, hurtful, even hateful remarks simply because the speaker's heart might "mean well". No, it is high time the people without appropriate social skills learn some and cultivate a filter between their brains or their mouths, or be put in their place.

 

Of course, I have learned my lesson. Never admit weakness because our culture is like the henhouse, you will be pecked to death. Life is very Darwinian, and the flippant, hurtful, dismissive, judgmental comments that come your way? Guess what? The other humans really do mean them.

[PrincessMommy]

Yup.

 

I came to the conclusion that some people have social disabilities. It has helped me cope with the stupid carp that comes out of their mouths.

 

My favorite? My daughter died because "she was too good for this earth". Um, no. She died because of cancer.

 

 

:grouphug:

 

 

Agreeing with you, Dawn.  I hate it when people say that... it's like it's another way of saying, "Just chill."  So insulting.

[DawnM]

I would like to say that I do not believe it is the job of the person suffering to gloss over and accept callous, hurtful, even hateful remarks simply because the speaker's heart might "mean well". No, it is high time the people without appropriate social skills learn some and cultivate a filter between their brains or their mouths, or be put in their place.

 

Of course, I have learned my lesson. Never admit weakness because our culture is like the henhouse, you will be pecked to death. Life is very Darwinian, and the flippant, hurtful, dismissive, judgmental comments that come your way? Guess what? The other humans really do mean them.

 

 

Yup!

 

I have dealt with some of this recently, by HOMESCHOOL moms!  I decided to remove myself from the hen doing the picking.  It hasn't been the prettiest thing, I have to admit, but I feel better.  

 

It is just not right.  

[prairiewindmomma]

People who make invalidating comments about what I am going through really are just invalidating me.  Is that the same for you DawnM?

[Tammyla]

:grouphug: I think people generally feel empathy, wish they could find a way to help or some words to comfort, but other than listening there isn't really anything they can do in many situations.  

 

It's easy to say the wrong thing even when your heart wants to help.

 

I have also grown to understand that  anger is an easier emotion to deal with than helpless fear and worry.  That could be why some of the comments cut so deeply and we react to them by getting angry with people who can't find the right words to comfort.   

 

 

[KungFuPanda]

My personal favorite is "I couldn't do it." Ummm . . . nobody gets a choice @sshole!

[Lang Syne Boardie]

My personal favorite is "I couldn't do it." Ummm . . . nobody gets a choice @sshole!

 

THIS. This one is my pet peeve. I always want to say, "You are right, I chose this situation for myself because it sounded not-too-challenging, but fun."

 

If you are raising or caring for a chronically ill person, especially your own child, you will hear this asinine remark all the time. ALL the time. And often right in front of your child, because these people have absolutely zero awareness.

[Rosie_0801]

Whenever I hear someone say "It'll be okay," I mentally translate it to, "I don't know what to say or do, but I feel bad and I want to do something to try to make you feel better." Some people just aren't good at saying the right thing at the right time.

 

I translate it to "Life's a *itch, then you die." Early programming from my dad's shaving mug.  :huh: :lol:

 

 

Okay is such a relative term. I guess "it'll be ok" doesn't bother me so much any more because I'm too old to hear ok as a synonym for good.

[Rosie_0801]

Well, but what if that is what the person wants???  There are many, many, many days where I WANT someone to tell ME, "Hey, it is going to be ok.  It really will.  It will all be better.  Just hang on and it will all work out.

 

I don't say it to others unless I sense that is what they want, but I guess I just wanted to chime in to say I would LOVE to hear that from someone in real life.

 

Yes.

 

Sometimes hanging on requires any bit of manufactured hope you can find (if I'm really, really, really desperate I might buy a lotto ticket so I can pretend for a few days) and at other times, hanging on requires absolute resignation and no hope at all.

 

Sometimes I want someone to tell me it'll all be fine, so I tell them to, they say it, and I say "Oh what would you know?" :lol:

[Lady Florida.]

I'm sorry about your friend and her dh.

 

Whenever I hear someone say "It'll be okay," I mentally translate it to, "I don't know what to say or do, but I feel bad and I want to do something to try to make you feel better." Some people just aren't good at saying the right thing at the right time.

 

That's how I interpret it too. Unless I'm hearing those words and the tone of voice actually does sound flippant, I would think the person just doesn't know what to say and is trying to say something comforting. They might not really believe the situation will be okay, but that *you* (the person receiving the comfort) will eventually be okay and be able to carry on with life. 

 

I'm one of those who is not good at finding the right words. I'm more physical - I'll give you a hug or hold your hand - but my words aren't always the "right" ones. I just hope that the person I'm trying to comfort takes my words as the comfort they're meant to be and not read flippancy or insensitivity into them. Of course I'd never say something like "You can have more children" or "It was for the best" or something else that's obviously insensitive, but generic words of comfort are meant to be comforting. 

 

When you (general you) are in a difficult situation you're naturally sensitive, but unless you have truly unfeeling friends and family they mean no harm. They're probably groping for a way to make you feel comforted.

[zoobie]

Well, but what if that is what the person wants??? There are many, many, many days where I WANT someone to tell ME, "Hey, it is going to be ok. It really will. It will all be better. Just hang on and it will all work out.

 

I don't say it to others unless I sense that is what they want, but I guess I just wanted to chime in to say I would LOVE to hear that from someone in real life.

One of my friends calls me and tells me to tell her that. My job is to talk her off the metaphorical anxiety bridge. So I spend a few minutes telling her it's going to be okay and sketching out a plan of action.

 

I'd never tell it to anyone who didn't ask. I volunteer to punch those people in the throat.

[PeacefulChaos]

But you still don't know it will all be alright, just because it worked out for someone else.

 

A friend's husband just got a job after seven years of having no job.  They now have 0 savings, 0 retirement savings, and are in tremendous debt.  He is over age 55, so now he is well aware he will be working until he physically cannot work anymore, there will be no actual retirement.

 

Their house is shifting on its foundation, but they can't move because they took every penny out in equity to live on.

 

The salary he is currently making in his new job is less than the job he left 7 years ago.

 

There was no silver lining, there was no "better" road ahead.  It still hasn't all worked out.

 

Listen, I am not all gloom and doom, although it may appear so, but I want to be a realist and know that life doesn't all just work out peachy for everyone.  In all of that I want to be sympathetic and empathetic to other's plights and not dismiss them with trite sayings or platitudes.  I want people to know I really do care and I am listening.

 

Dawn

 

This brings something to mind.

'It will all work out' or 'It will be okay' doesn't mean that life will be perfect when I hear it.  That's not what I hear at all.  

 

I don't know.  It must just be a semantics thing in how people have heard it used their whole lives.  But when I think 'it will all work out' I literally mean it will work out, one way or the other.  It may be a harder life than it is now, or it may not.  But it isn't like *the worst* thing that could happen (barring life threatening things here, I'm talking about jobs and whatnot) is going to make the rest of life miserable.  

A job is just a job.  Things will work out one way or another.  There's still plenty of room in life for there to be happiness, joy, and fulfillment, even if a small part of life is working one's a$$ off until they die.  I don't mean that to sound insensitive at all.  But no one that I know lives in financial security for life.  I take that back.  I know one elderly couple that does.  One.  But that doesn't mean that all the other people I know aren't having decent lives, too.  Maybe they can't do x, y, or z... but they live fulfilling lives because there is so much more to life than that.  

 

I'm also not being dismissive of the problems that your friend and her family are facing.  Sometimes life sucks.  There are no guarantees that things will be 'better' - but I guess I feel that, as human beings, we make things work one way or the other.  Parts of life may suck.  But other parts don't.  It's just life, kwim?