How do you get past a deep resentment?

[CindyH in NC]

I feel that my relationships with my family are suffering due to resentment as well as jealousy of someone who was once very close with my family, but due to lying and other behaviors is now cut off.  We (my family) have had a lot of struggles since this happened-not due to this person- and it is hard to hear about good things happening to this person without feeling resentment and a little jealousy.

 

Not proud of it, but it is what it is.  I would love to get past this, but it bubbles up whenever I am having insomnia or a bad day and then I tend to let it fester.  Due to privacy issues, I am leaving out huge chunks of background - that is not really relevant - I just need ways to help myself move past this.  Most other members of my family have moved on, but since we live in the same neighborhood and have kids in the same school, I can't avoid hearing things and feeling why me. I devoted a lot of time and energy to this person and their family in the past and feel used and betrayed. 

 

Does anyone else deal with this now or have you in the past?  I try really hard to not bring this up with my dh or children - they are past it for the most part, but I do have a child who was devastated by this person's behavior in the past and even they have moved on.  I don't gossip or even mention this to friends.   Like I said above, I am not proud of my attitude, and I try not to dwell, but it reappears when I am struggling with other things and I just can't shake it.  Please be gentle.  I want to "let it go".  I am just not sure how to do it permanently. 

Cindy

 

[Tsuga]

You're a good person for even trying to do this. Honestly I don't know.

 

I myself am not resentful because... I think I would have to resent too many people!!! I wouldn't have my father in my life if I hung on to things. I wouldn't have a lot of people, or rather, I don't, but I'd have to actively resent so much. I like the Modest Mouse song, "Float On". It makes me happy. I don't think through this--I just feel like I want to be floating with the floaters so I will and I just float by those other people that I would resent if I were resentful.

 

I realize that is not very specific advice. It's because when something comes naturally, it's hard to reflect on.

 

You know... why so many people I would resent? I'm not white. I'm as much Native American as anything else. If I started resenting people--I'd be mad. I am mad about some things, some universal injustices, but I just can't resent people for being jerks. I feel like we have such recent losses. It upsets me. I am generally upset that some people are so mean. But I don't feel that any one person's cruelty or dishonesty is particularly noteworthy. I think that's it. I have a high opinion of human nature in some ways but I also realize that most people screw up and a lot of people screw up badly. It is hard not to remain angry, but it's worse to remain angry.

 

Oprah Winfrey is probably my inspiration on this. You have to hope, because you control hope. It's an effort. Whereas anger and resentment controls you.

 

So by continuing to hope, I maintain control over my life. Otherwise, they have my life! Well screw that! "They" (meaning, colonialists no longer here, but isn't it easy to say one isn't a colonialist when you already have a land title).

 

If I resented every screwed up thing that happened to me, to my ex-husband's family (also forced on to reservations), to all the languages lost in our families over 100 years, to all the wealth as we were forced off land--what would I have?

 

Nothing. They would not only take the land, the language, the power, but my entire life.

 

Every moment of hatred is a moment of my life, and what is life but moments?

 

So I get beyond my petty resentment by knowing I will survive. Whatever the haters, liars, and the dirty, dirty cheats of the world can do, none of them can survive honestly, and that's what I'm doing. I'm a surviver, these are my moments, this is what I have, and it's the best thing in the world, and nobody else can have it.

 

I don't know if that works for you. It's not easy to let go. I still get so angry about many things because I also worked with the poorest of the poor in this world, like women in Pakistani and Afghani shelters, like the homeless, etc. And it's so hard to watch what happens to them. Life is so unjust.

 

You know... one poem really inspires me. It's Langston Hughes. I'm just going to say it: our problems are not as big as his problems. But he's right:

 

Langston Hughes: Still Here

 

I been scared and battered.

My hopes the wind done scattered.
   Snow has friz me,
   Sun has baked me,

Looks like between 'em they done
   Tried to make me

Stop laughin', stop lovin', stop livin'--
   But I don't care!
   I'm still here!

 

 

"I'm still here" is my battle cry. They can't make me stop hoping and living, so I win. That does take the edge off. :)

 

(PS... I don't resent but I also don't stop fighting for justice. The little things don't bother me because I'm focused on the big picture. I am still angry about he plight of the poor. But no, when I see one person screw up--that's just part of a bigger issue, so no, I don't worry about that. It doesn't mean I am not angry about cruelty and that I've given up. Being able to continue fighting the good fight while not resenting an individual is important. I think a lot of people think that forgiveness is acceptance. Maybe it's accepting the person. But it's not accepting the behavior or the system.)

[Catwoman]

I don't have any advice for you, Cindy, but I wanted to send you a :grouphug: and to tell you that I'm sorry that person hurt you so badly. :(

[CindyH in NC]

I don't have any advice for you, Cindy, but I wanted to send you a :grouphug: and to tell you that I'm sorry that person hurt you so badly. :(

Thank you.  I appreciate the hugs. 

[MomatHWTK]

You might consider talk therapy.  A therapist can help you separate the various emotions you are feeling and address each one as needed.  

[CindyH in NC]

You're a good person for even trying to do this. Honestly I don't know.

 

I myself am not resentful because... I think I would have to resent too many people!!! I wouldn't have my father in my life if I hung on to things. I wouldn't have a lot of people, or rather, I don't, but I'd have to actively resent so much. I like the Modest Mouse song, "Float On". It makes me happy. I don't think through this--I just feel like I want to be floating with the floaters so I will and I just float by those other people that I would resent if I were resentful.

 

I realize that is not very specific advice. It's because when something comes naturally, it's hard to reflect on.

 

You know... why so many people I would resent? I'm not white. I'm as much Native American as anything else. If I started resenting people--I'd be mad. I am mad about some things, some universal injustices, but I just can't resent people for being jerks. I feel like we have such recent losses. It upsets me. I am generally upset that some people are so mean. But I don't feel that any one person's cruelty or dishonesty is particularly noteworthy. I think that's it. I have a high opinion of human nature in some ways but I also realize that most people screw up and a lot of people screw up badly. It is hard not to remain angry, but it's worse to remain angry.

 

Oprah Winfrey is probably my inspiration on this. You have to hope, because you control hope. It's an effort. Whereas anger and resentment controls you.

 

So by continuing to hope, I maintain control over my life. Otherwise, they have my life! Well screw that! "They" (meaning, colonialists no longer here, but isn't it easy to say one isn't a colonialist when you already have a land title).

 

If I resented every screwed up thing that happened to me, to my ex-husband's family (also forced on to reservations), to all the languages lost in our families over 100 years, to all the wealth as we were forced off land--what would I have?

 

Nothing. They would not only take the land, the language, the power, but my entire life.

 

Every moment of hatred is a moment of my life, and what is life but moments?

 

So I get beyond my petty resentment by knowing I will survive. Whatever the haters, liars, and the dirty, dirty cheats of the world can do, none of them can survive honestly, and that's what I'm doing. I'm a surviver, these are my moments, this is what I have, and it's the best thing in the world, and nobody else can have it.

 

I don't know if that works for you. It's not easy to let go. I still get so angry about many things because I also worked with the poorest of the poor in this world, like women in Pakistani and Afghani shelters, like the homeless, etc. And it's so hard to watch what happens to them. Life is so unjust.

 

You know... one poem really inspires me. It's Langston Hughes. I'm just going to say it: our problems are not as big as his problems. But he's right:

 

 

"I'm still here" is my battle cry. They can't make me stop hoping and living, so I win. That does take the edge off. :)

 

(PS... I don't resent but I also don't stop fighting for justice. The little things don't bother me because I'm focused on the big picture. I am still angry about he plight of the poor. But no, when I see one person screw up--that's just part of a bigger issue, so no, I don't worry about that. It doesn't mean I am not angry about cruelty and that I've given up. Being able to continue fighting the good fight while not resenting an individual is important. I think a lot of people think that forgiveness is acceptance. Maybe it's accepting the person. But it's not accepting the behavior or the system.)

Everything you said makes so much sense, and I will reread it and try to take it to heart. I love that poem too.  I tell myself many of those things, but still find myself overwhelmed by resentment because my heart doesn't always listen to my head. 

I know that I am so privileged in so many ways and my hurt cannot compare with some of the things you mention.  I try to remind myself of this, but in the moment it just doesn't help and I resolve to "shake it off" or "let it go" but it just rears it's ugly head again when I am having a hard time. 

 

Possibly I can't let go of this feeling because one of my babies ( she is nearly an adult, but you know what I mean) was so affected.  Like I said above, she has moved on and even reconciled to a degree, but I just can't seem to get beyond this feeling.  I don't like it, and I know that I would be happier without out these feelings, but that doesn't seem to help me in the here and now.  Thanks for responding.  I appreciate it.

[Tsuga]

I understand and like I said there is no simple answer, but I do admire you for trying.

 

I'm angry at my ex-husband who is currently hurting my kids.

 

It's one thing to know it. It's another to feel it. We are all on a very long road.

[CindyH in NC]

You might consider talk therapy.  A therapist can help you separate the various emotions you are feeling and address each one as needed.  

I have considered it.  I am really having a hard time keeping up with all of my dd's appts. at the moment - I have one with a lot of medical problems as of the last 6 months or so.  I was hoping for some ideas to try on my own first, but may reconsider taking time out for therapy for myself if I have to. 

 

My feelings seem so petty and inconsequential when faced with my child's health, and as Tsuga mentioned above there are so many important issues in the world to dwell on or fight for that when things are going well, I feel almost silly to consider therapy for this issue. 

 

I don't mean to reject your idea - it really may be what it takes - I just feel very self conscious when thinking of talking to a therapist about this problem. 

 

Thanks for your reply.  Just typing this out has helped me think through why I have been so reluctant to speak to a professional. 

[CindyH in NC]

I understand and like I said there is no simple answer, but I do admire you for trying.

 

I'm angry at my ex-husband who is currently hurting my kids.

 

It's one thing to know it. It's another to feel it. We are all on a very long road.

Thanks.  I am so sorry your children are hurting.  :grouphug: Seeing our children hurt is one of the hardest things a parent has to do. 

[Tanaqui]

My feelings seem so petty and inconsequential when faced with my child's health, and as Tsuga mentioned above there are so many important issues in the world to dwell on or fight for that when things are going well, I feel almost silly to consider therapy for this issue.

 

Your feelings are important. Your feelings influence how you act in this world, and how easy it is to do the things you want to do or know you ought to do, and the ones you have right now are clearly not making your life any easier.

 

It may be that you genuinely cannot take the time to get help. Sometimes life sucks in that way. However, this is not because your feelings are less important than other things. If this is really bothering you, as you say it is, then things are not "going well". They'd go a lot better if you didn't have this unresolved problem hanging over your head. It's not silly to take care of yourself.

[Rosie_0801]

Do you feel you don't have the right to feel this way? 

[gardenmom5]

I feel that my relationships with my family are suffering due to resentment as well as jealousy of someone who was once very close with my family, but due to lying and other behaviors is now cut off.  We (my family) have had a lot of struggles since this happened-not due to this person- and it is hard to hear about good things happening to this person without feeling resentment and a little jealousy.

 

Not proud of it, but it is what it is.  I would love to get past this, but it bubbles up whenever I am having insomnia or a bad day and then I tend to let it fester.  Due to privacy issues, I am leaving out huge chunks of background - that is not really relevant - I just need ways to help myself move past this.  Most other members of my family have moved on, but since we live in the same neighborhood and have kids in the same school, I can't avoid hearing things and feeling why me. I devoted a lot of time and energy to this person and their family in the past and feel used and betrayed. 

 

Does anyone else deal with this now or have you in the past?  I try really hard to not bring this up with my dh or children - they are past it for the most part, but I do have a child who was devastated by this person's behavior in the past and even they have moved on.  I don't gossip or even mention this to friends.   Like I said above, I am not proud of my attitude, and I try not to dwell, but it reappears when I am struggling with other things and I just can't shake it.  Please be gentle.  I want to "let it go".  I am just not sure how to do it permanently. 

Cindy

 

if I'm understanding correctly - the person you feel the resentment towards was cut off by your family for their untoward behavior of lying etc. and they have "good things" happening to them?

 

I've been there - with a very influential family member.

 

there are several steps, and the process can vary with how long it takes.  it can be two steps forward, one step back . . . over time.  be patient with yourself.  you are human, and humans have emotions.

first is letting go of the hurt. this is a *process*.  that can be difficult if you feel the person has "gotten away with" something and you still want them to be punished.

there are different reasons for dwelling.  sometimes it's part of the "metabolizing" the emotions before they can be let go. you need to understand where it is coming from, all the little nooks and crannies. you have to recognize damage to be able to repair it. other times, it's dwelling in a pity party which only causes more damage.

 

my recommendation is - sometimes, if you are overwhelmed by the emotions and wanting to dwell upon your resentment/hurt/etc, you need to figuratively just put your hurt up on the shelf and "not go there".  when it comes to your mind - just refuse to go there. I'd walk - and count my steps/arm-motions. one-two, one-two, etc. over and over. just to shut out the thoughts. eventually, even in the shower - one-two, one-two just to shut out the thoughts of dwelling upon the hurt. 

when you are ready, you can "take it down and work on metabolizing it". on understanding the nuances.  when it becomes too much, put it back on the shelf until next time.

 

if there is nothing legally to be held accountable, learn to forgive.  forgiveness is not about them - it is about you not allowing that person to live in your head.  your hurt is not punishing them - it *is* punishing you by keeping alive the hurt within. this is also a process.

 

it's a reality of life -  sometimes good things happen to bad people, and bad things happen to good people.  I happen to believe there is a God - and that ultimately, everything is fair.  even if it isn't now. part of the process for me, was learning to *really* trust God.

 

as I have worked through forgiving my family member (which was a decades long process), I've been able to see the person more clearly.  I can actually have compassion for them, while NOT being blind to who they were or the damage they caused to other people. (it wasn't just me.)  I feel sad for a wasted life that left such turmoil in their wake.  perversely - I do feel a better person for having been through those experiences.  I'm now at the point - I wouldn't give back the experiences if it meant I had to "unlearn" what I have learned.  it is possible to walk through the fire, and be refined like silver.

 

eta: I just want to add, this person caused a lot of misery for other people, but this person was also a miserable dissatisfied person. and made other's miserable like herself.  how dare anyone else be happy without her permission!

[RioSamba]

I think it is important to remember what forgiveness is not. It is not condoning. It is not reconciliation. It is not forgetting. It is a process through which you let go of anger and resentment.

 

The longing for justice is a very human quality. I believe that is why you are experiencing the negative feelings about good things happening to the person who hurt you and your family. How you deal with those feelings has much to do with your spiritual beliefs. I'm a Christian, so I remind myself that I am not the judge. It is my place to exercise discernment, but not to mete out justice.

 

I'm so sorry that you are hurting, especially for your child. There is no suffering like the suffering we do for our children.

[pinkmint]

I don't know how much this helps, but if it's any comfort, I sometimes feel hopeless about conquering deep resentments. I am a bible believing Christian, so I ask God to help me and give me the right perspective, but it's a constant battle.

 

I don't know exactly what happened between you and your friend, but I feel like I can relate to what you've said. It's hard (to say the least) to watch someone who has hurt and betrayed you to go on and live seemingly a charmed and prosperous life while you have life misfortunes on top of the hurt and pain caused by the relationship. I guess if I was going to rise above my emotions for a moment and give myself advice it would be to consider the wrongs I've done to others in my life, and not think of myself as suffering innocently. Then set boundaries if needed, learn what forgiveness is and isn't, and pray through resentment when it flares up. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

time

 

Sometimes you just have to go with the lousy feeling.  Last lousy feeling I had took me about 6 months to move past.  Not too bad I don't think, but then that's 6 months of my life I won't get back. 

[BooksandBoys]

I've had to work through some pretty powerful resentments in the last year and a half. What I like to do is create a positive mantra that I repeat every single time the resentful thoughts come to me. The mantra part means that I don't have to think about what to say, only remember to say it, and the saying of it helps me get out of my anger and frustration.

 

An example of one of my mantras is: May you be Safe, May you be Fast, May you be Well. This mantra doesn't apply to a person, but it does apply to a challenging situation that triggers my negative thinking. I end up saying this one multiple times a day. It was hard at first to remember, but it's pretty much habit now. At first, I had them written in post-its all over the house to remind me.

 

Also, therapy. I love therapy. :-)

[SparklyUnicorn]

my mantra would probably involve expletives

 

:laugh:

[KungFuPanda]

Time . . . and not feeding the resentment.

[CindyH in NC]

Do you feel you don't have the right to feel this way? 

Maybe.  It is tangled up in other emotions sometimes. 

[CindyH in NC]

if I'm understanding correctly - the person you feel the resentment towards was cut off by your family for their untoward behavior of lying etc. and they have "good things" happening to them?

 

I've been there - with a very influential family member.

 

there are several steps, and the process can vary with how long it takes.  it can be two steps forward, one step back . . . over time.  be patient with yourself.  you are human, and humans have emotions.

first is letting go of the hurt. this is a *process*.  that can be difficult if you feel the person has "gotten away with" something and you still want them to be punished.

there are different reasons for dwelling.  sometimes it's part of the "metabolizing" the emotions before they can be let go. you need to understand where it is coming from, all the little nooks and crannies. you have to recognize damage to be able to repair it. other times, it's dwelling in a pity party which only causes more damage.

 

 

You are correct.  I know I feel - whether I'm right or wrong - that this person "gets away with things" and even seems to come out on top when they are not "playing fair" or even purposefully stepping on others. 

 

It's comforting in a weird way to hear that others can take time to process or deal with the emotions.  I know that I shouldn't dwell on it and sometimes I am able to step back from this, but other times I let the pity party roll. 

 

Thanks for your thoughts and experiences.  They really help.  I feel as if there is no one IRL to discuss this with without dredging up hurt.

[CindyH in NC]

I think it is important to remember what forgiveness is not. It is not condoning. It is not reconciliation. It is not forgetting. It is a process through which you let go of anger and resentment.

 

The longing for justice is a very human quality. I believe that is why you are experiencing the negative feelings about good things happening to the person who hurt you and your family. How you deal with those feelings has much to do with your spiritual beliefs. I'm a Christian, so I remind myself that I am not the judge. It is my place to exercise discernment, but not to mete out justice.

 

I'm so sorry that you are hurting, especially for your child. There is no suffering like the suffering we do for our children.

Thank you.  I am not religious, but what you said about justice rings true for me.  I think that may be part of it.  That makes a lot of sense, and I guess I never thought of it exactly that way. 

 

Cindy

[CindyH in NC]

I don't know how much this helps, but if it's any comfort, I sometimes feel hopeless about conquering deep resentments. I am a bible believing Christian, so I ask God to help me and give me the right perspective, but it's a constant battle.

 

I don't know exactly what happened between you and your friend, but I feel like I can relate to what you've said. It's hard (to say the least) to watch someone who has hurt and betrayed you to go on and live seemingly a charmed and prosperous life while you have life misfortunes on top of the hurt and pain caused by the relationship. I guess if I was going to rise above my emotions for a moment and give myself advice it would be to consider the wrongs I've done to others in my life, and not think of myself as suffering innocently. Then set boundaries if needed, learn what forgiveness is and isn't, and pray through resentment when it flares up. 

It is comforting in a sad way to know that others struggle.  Sometimes I feel so alone in being unable to shake this. 

This person and their family seem to have an absolutely charmed life since this all happened.  It is hard to move in the same circles, and I find myself making excuses to not attend things where I know I will run into this person. 

[CindyH in NC]

I've had to work through some pretty powerful resentments in the last year and a half. What I like to do is create a positive mantra that I repeat every single time the resentful thoughts come to me. The mantra part means that I don't have to think about what to say, only remember to say it, and the saying of it helps me get out of my anger and frustration.

 

An example of one of my mantras is: May you be Safe, May you be Fast, May you be Well. This mantra doesn't apply to a person, but it does apply to a challenging situation that triggers my negative thinking. I end up saying this one multiple times a day. It was hard at first to remember, but it's pretty much habit now. At first, I had them written in post-its all over the house to remind me.

 

Also, therapy. I love therapy. :-)

I have to say that this seems so simple, but this may be the idea I need.  Love the idea of post-its too.  I have tried to think of other things, but whenever I would see this person or be reminded of it, my ideas always are forgotten. 

The example is helpful.  Thank you so much.

[CindyH in NC]

my mantra would probably involve expletives

 

:laugh:

That's an idea.  :laugh:

 

Although, I probably won't be comfortable posting that mantra around the house.  But in my head there may be adjectives added abundantly. 

[CindyH in NC]

I've had to work through some pretty powerful resentments in the last year and a half. What I like to do is create a positive mantra that I repeat every single time the resentful thoughts come to me. The mantra part means that I don't have to think about what to say, only remember to say it, and the saying of it helps me get out of my anger and frustration.

 

An example of one of my mantras is: May you be Safe, May you be Fast, May you be Well. This mantra doesn't apply to a person, but it does apply to a challenging situation that triggers my negative thinking. I end up saying this one multiple times a day. It was hard at first to remember, but it's pretty much habit now. At first, I had them written in post-its all over the house to remind me.

 

Also, therapy. I love therapy. :-)

Forgot to say that I am sorry you have had to deal with resentment recently. 

 

I am considering therapy, so glad to know it has been positive for you. 

[CindyH in NC]

Time . . . and not feeding the resentment.

Not feeding the resentment is my goal.  I am not succeeding right now though.  Time has eased this somewhat, but I thought it would be much better by now (nearly two years out - hard to admit that.)

[NorthwestMom]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  to you

 

I have been in your shoes and it is crazy-making. The only thing that helps me is remembering that things are not what they seem on the surface, especially with disordered people, and then letting time take its course. Eventually you will get distracted by something more important in your life, and once the focus is off that person, you will heal more completely. So sorry you are going through this! I get it!

[ktgrok]

you see good things happening for this person, but that doesn't mean they are happy. People who act badly rarely are. So there is really nothing to be jealous of. 

[texasmama]

You can do a thought exercise in which you imagine letting the person go.  Once, at the suggestion of a massage therapist, I did this and what I imagined is the person who had wronged me being put on a raft and sent down a river.  The person drifted away slowly, looking at me the entire time, and his eyes showed complete bewilderment.  It was powerful and telling.  Some folks don't even know the damage they do and won't ever understand.  So you just let them go.  

 

Therapy is good, also.

 

Some years back, my family and I were very wronged by someone, and what was needed in order for me to let it go was to see the person as someone to be pitied who had acted out of fear and selfishness.  Also, that they got (by lying and stealing) what they get.  What I may have coming to me is limitless because I am not willing to lie and steal from others in order to get it.  Your situation is likely very different, but maybe there is something useful in it.  This relationship was forever changed, but I am able to see the person involved and not be angry.  It must be very difficult to live in such fear that you lie and steal like that.  I can focus on being grateful I do not carry that type of fear.

[gardenmom5]

you see good things happening for this person, but that doesn't mean they are happy. People who act badly rarely are. So there is really nothing to be jealous of. 

 

this.

 

I have a relative (by marriage) who is crazy making, and seems to have a 'wonderful life'.  wow, did I recently get a glimpse as to how completely disordered and self-undermining this person really is, even in their own family.  it helped me seem them in a whole new light, and have far more tolerance for being around them.

[Robin M]

Completely understand how you feel since btdt.   One thing that has helped me a great deal is writing it all out, letting myself grieve the end of the relationship.  Hard to let go when the person is still alive, hard to let go of the anger when the person is so happy and going on with their life.  However,  I don't have to see them everyday which makes the difference. I don't have to see them at all if I choose so I don't.  Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting.  Forgive and forget doesn't always work. Forgive and let go,taking forward the lessons learned from the event so it won't happen again.  Forgiving doesn't mean having to associate with that person.  You have a right to your feelings, just don't let it fester. 

 

I found a way past my mad (after a two year period) when I took a flash non fiction course and one of the exercises was to write a letter to someone you haven't seen in a long time, explaining yourself.  However, you won't be sending the letter, it's just for you.  Once done pouring everything out on the page, then go back and cut out all the throat clearing, salutation, small talk and see the heart of the letter, the issues.    I did it and had an epiphany as to the root cause of the issue with the other party.   No one else has to read it. You can read it to yourself, burn it when you are done or do it all over again, each time you feel the need to get it all out.  

 

I also suggest doing morning pages - three pages of stream of consciousness writing in the morning, no editing, just writing out all your thoughts. Clears your head for the day.  Some days its full of griping, other days blessings.  Just let it all out and you may find it rather cathartic.   

 

 

[Anne in CA]

It is comforting in a sad way to know that others struggle.  Sometimes I feel so alone in being unable to shake this. 

This person and their family seem to have an absolutely charmed life since this all happened.  It is hard to move in the same circles, and I find myself making excuses to not attend things where I know I will run into this person.

Does it help to know that this is probably a lie? The good things are probably a charade which will come crashing down? People of poor character cannot built anything good or real, and it might take a long time, but someday they will pay the piper for the people they stepped on to get to the top. I have never been jealous of someone when eventually who they really were did not come out. I really believe with all my heart that the crash these people endure is not worth the "high time" that they manage to fake, all of it a balancing act, holding on by the skin of their teeth.

 

Other people said wise spiritual things so I wanted to make sure that got pointed out too.

[Rosie_0801]

Maybe.  It is tangled up in other emotions sometimes. 

 

You're not going to be able to metabolise it if you're denying you have the right to need to metabolise it. Denial delays the healing process. The dwelling you do is your psyche trying to process, and you keep shutting it down. If you have pain large enough to post on here about it, you've got pain that will take a long time to heal. It goes in cycles. You have to ride with it, and eventually you'll get to the point where most of the time you are apathetic about the jerk person. Then, still, once in a while it'll jump up and bite and you'll wonder why you aren't over it yet. But don't feel bad about that! Accept it. After all, they were a total jerk and there's no reason you should be cool with that! So swear a bit, then go back to apathy.

 

I resent the people who hurt myself and my children. I feel fully entitled to as well! Unless they are actually in my face, I'm mostly just glad I'm not a scumbag like them.  :laugh:

[Garga]

A person I don't know posted this on Facebook in response to someone being sad. I think it just might have changed my life. I don't know anyone IRL who embraces sadness. Most of us try to throw it off.

 

Here's what she wrote:

"Enjoy the sadness. It's such a vital and intricate part of who we are. Happiness and bliss are so damned over-rated that it makes me sick. Little Sistah, embrace the sunshine AND the rain. Nothing calms me more or gives me more enjoyment than a sad song, a sad story, a sad movie. How can one truly enjoy one without the other? Be sad, I'il sis. Just for today."

 

I feel like I can almost understand this but will have to think on it more. Instead of fighting, fighting, fighting to feel better, maybe it's ok to just feel bad. Not all day long every day, but from time to time. Maybe it's ok to embrace it and acknowledge it.

 

I don't know. I'll have to think on it. I suppose there's a balance to it. You don't want it to eat you alive, but maybe it's dishonest to try to act like it isn't there.

 

Maybe this is terrible advice.

 

Try this advice instead: When I was feeling horrible about a situation with some friends, I did go to counselling. It only took 2 sessions and I was able to get to the root of the issues and overcome it pretty easily. There were still tinges of bad feeling, but mostly it was gone. I didn't sit and dwell anymore.

 

So, you can always try finding a counsellor to talk to. I felt really silly going. It shouldn't have been a big deal. But it was such a relief to have someone to talk to and it lifted the bad feelings.

 

My advice contradicts itself, I know. :)

[Scarlett]

I have considered it. I am really having a hard time keeping up with all of my dd's appts. at the moment - I have one with a lot of medical problems as of the last 6 months or so. I was hoping for some ideas to try on my own first, but may reconsider taking time out for therapy for myself if I have to.

 

My feelings seem so petty and inconsequential when faced with my child's health, and as Tsuga mentioned above there are so many important issues in the world to dwell on or fight for that when things are going well, I feel almost silly to consider therapy for this issue.

 

I don't mean to reject your idea - it really may be what it takes - I just feel very self conscious when thinking of talking to a therapist about this problem.

 

Thanks for your reply. Just typing this out has helped me think through why I have been so reluctant to speak to a professional.

I personally, have received a lot of help from on line forums. I belong to a couple where I am anonymous and I have been able to work through a lot of stuff over the years.

 

I was Left speechless yesterday by a friend of mine who apparently has let go of being molested by her father! She told me she knows he loved her. She clarified that he will never be in her life ever but she doesn't hold anger toward him.

 

Heck I am still angry at my aunt over something she did to my mom 12 years ago! So I feel yer pain. :)

[Rosie_0801]

Maybe this is terrible advice.

 

 

It's not.

 

 

People feel healthier being authentic. (You don't have to be socially appropriate in your own head!)

[BooksandBoys]

A person I don't know posted this on Facebook in response to someone being sad. I think it just might have changed my life. I don't know anyone IRL who embraces sadness. Most of us try to throw it off.

 

Here's what she wrote:

"Enjoy the sadness. It's such a vital and intricate part of who we are. Happiness and bliss are so damned over-rated that it makes me sick. Little Sistah, embrace the sunshine AND the rain. Nothing calms me more or gives me more enjoyment than a sad song, a sad story, a sad movie. How can one truly enjoy one without the other? Be sad, I'il sis. Just for today."

 

I feel like I can almost understand this but will have to think on it more. Instead of fighting, fighting, fighting to feel better, maybe it's ok to just feel bad. Not all day long every day, but from time to time. Maybe it's ok to embrace it and acknowledge it.

 

I don't know. I'll have to think on it. I suppose there's a balance to it. You don't want it to eat you alive, but maybe it's dishonest to try to act like it isn't there.

 

Maybe this is terrible advice.

 

Try this advice instead: When I was feeling horrible about a situation with some friends, I did go to counselling. It only took 2 sessions and I was able to get to the root of the issues and overcome it pretty easily. There were still tinges of bad feeling, but mostly it was gone. I didn't sit and dwell anymore.

 

So, you can always try finding a counsellor to talk to. I felt really silly going. It shouldn't have been a big deal. But it was such a relief to have someone to talk to and it lifted the bad feelings.

 

My advice contradicts itself, I know. :)

I don't think your advice is contradictory.

 

Research suggests that we are happier when we schedule time to worry because scheduling worry allows us to both table the worrying so it isn't impacting every minute of our lives and wallow in the worry when it is time to worry (sorry I can't cite studies right now).

 

I would think that a similar method would work for sadness. Embracing the sadness is important (I certainly did and do in response to my issues), but also scheduling it. This can be as in therapy, where you know you have that time set aside to process the pain. My mantra method works as a form of scheduling, I guess, though I never thought about it that way before. I use the mantras to pull myself out of the triggering thoughts when they aren't welcome (I can't be crying when I'm driving or teaching the kids, for example), but I don't need to use my mantras when I'm in therapy, or when I'm journaling or processing things with a friend. I can just sit with the pain during those times because it's safe to be sad or angry then.

[MiMi 4under3]

I think it is important to remember what forgiveness is not. It is not condoning. It is not reconciliation. It is not forgetting. It is a process through which you let go of anger and resentment.

 

 

    :iagree: 

 

Forgiveness doesn't mean that what the person did is ok, nor does it mean that you accept their hurtful behavior. 

 

Forgiveness means you're letting go of the hurt they caused you.

[Sunshine State Sue]

I sent you a PM.  :grouphug:

[CindyH in NC]

you see good things happening for this person, but that doesn't mean they are happy. People who act badly rarely are. So there is really nothing to be jealous of. 

Thanks, this is something that is probably true in this instance.  Now that I think about it, I can't really think of a time in the past when this person truly seemed happy.  It's just that things appear to be going so well for them when we are struggling. 

 

I feel bad saying it, but thinking it does bring things into perspective. 

[Professormom]

I experienced the betrayal of a friend years ago. The thing I hadn't been ready for is the break-up feeling. It was surprisingly like what you would feel when breaking up a close boyfriend relationship.

 

It sounds like you are going through something similar. There are so many pieces to it. First, you are hurt by their actions and betrayed. Trust was broken. Not only does it hurt, it makes you feel foolish. Second, you are experiencing loss... You have lost a friend, and now there is a gap in your heart. Third, you almost have feelings of jealousy attached. In the case of a boyfriend, it would be jealousy of maybe their new girlfriend. In your case, it is watching someone who wronged you come out on top (in your view.)

 

This is ALOT of junk to sift through, especially if you have to see them/interact regularly. And it involves more than "getting over it." You are walking through the grieving process.

 

You have gotten a lot of great advice here. I pipe up only to add that break-ups often take much more time to heal from than we think they will. I am not a very emotionally driven person, yet in my case, it was a good 6 months before the pain started to dull and almost 2 years before I had full peace in my heart when I interacted with the person who broke my trust. Even now, I have to see them regularly. It is 9 years later, I have no lingering feelings, but I still have no desire to reform a friendship. There are certain things that can make even the most logical among us feel sucker-punched:-)

 

Don't beat yourself up if this takes time... You aren't crazy, just sorting through a grief. As long as you are working to deal with it in a healthy manner and not wallowing, you will find your feelings turn slowly from fury to angst to shaking your head at the injustice of it to, hopefully, apathy.

[Sunshine State Sue]

... your feelings turn slowly from fury to angst to shaking your head at the injustice of it to, hopefully, apathy.

perhaps even sympathy.

[Carol in Cal.]

I have found, to my own surprise, that I can lift my mind off of that stuff and onto something else.

This was a late in life realization--for some reason it never occurred to me to try to do this until I was around 40.

 

I found that I can do this over and over, and that it gets easier after a while, and that then that gives way to a kind of insulation or almost an indifference.  I don't have to gloss over what that person did, but I don't have to give it space in my head anymore, either.  It doesn't deserve that.  And although that doesn't heal our relationship like a change of heart or action on their part would, it does make it more peaceful when we are thrown together.  

[Guest]

You're not going to be able to metabolise it if you're denying you have the right to need to metabolise it. Denial delays the healing process. The dwelling you do is your psyche trying to process, and you keep shutting it down. If you have pain large enough to post on here about it, you've got pain that will take a long time to heal. It goes in cycles. You have to ride with it, and eventually you'll get to the point where most of the time you are apathetic about the jerk person. Then, still, once in a while it'll jump up and bite and you'll wonder why you aren't over it yet. But don't feel bad about that! Accept it. After all, they were a total jerk and there's no reason you should be cool with that! So swear a bit, then go back to apathy.

 

I resent the people who hurt myself and my children. I feel fully entitled to as well! Unless they are actually in my face, I'm mostly just glad I'm not a scumbag like them. :laugh:

Yeah, I sing that song, Mean in my head when I see a certain person. someday, I'll be living in a big ol' city, but all you're ever gonna be is mean..."

 

I gotta say, though, to the OP - I haven't really figured this out either. I was just reflecting on this person after the sermon I heard on Sunday and I was thinking how it really stinks so much how this person turned on me. She is still in my life and it can still hurt me to see her FB posts or other things...she is now best buddies with another person who was my good friend and who is now my so-so friend. I hate it and resent it and the hurt is many years old, but I'm just saying, it can still prick my heart when I pay attention to it.

[CindyH in NC]

You can do a thought exercise in which you imagine letting the person go.  Once, at the suggestion of a massage therapist, I did this and what I imagined is the person who had wronged me being put on a raft and sent down a river.  The person drifted away slowly, looking at me the entire time, and his eyes showed complete bewilderment.  It was powerful and telling.  Some folks don't even know the damage they do and won't ever understand.  So you just let them go.  

 

Therapy is good, also.

 

Some years back, my family and I were very wronged by someone, and what was needed in order for me to let it go was to see the person as someone to be pitied who had acted out of fear and selfishness.  Also, that they got (by lying and stealing) what they get.  What I may have coming to me is limitless because I am not willing to lie and steal from others in order to get it.  Your situation is likely very different, but maybe there is something useful in it.  This relationship was forever changed, but I am able to see the person involved and not be angry.  It must be very difficult to live in such fear that you lie and steal like that.  I can focus on being grateful I do not carry that type of fear.

This has given me a lot to think about.  I do want to be able to see this person and not have my gut clench.  I don't want a relationship, but I don't think they will ever truly see what they did as wrong because to them the end justifies the means.  Knowing what they are willing to do to people who were their friends, well it does sort of make me feel sorry for them.

[CindyH in NC]

Yeah, I sing that song, Mean in my head when I see a certain person. someday, I'll be living in a big ol' city, but all you're ever gonna be is mean..."

 

I gotta say, though, to the OP - I haven't really figured this out either. I was just reflecting on this person after the sermon I heard on Sunday and I was thinking how it really stinks so much how this person turned on me. She is still in my life and it can still hurt me to see her FB posts or other things...she is now best buddies with another person who was my good friend and who is now my so-so friend. I hate it and resent it and the hurt is many years old, but I'm just saying, it can still prick my heart when I pay attention to it.

I will now have that song in my head all night.  :laugh: â€‹ It would be a good mantra.  

 

Thanks for your thoughts.  Sometimes, I still wonder what I did to make this person turn on me, and it can take me a while to realize that if I had been paying better attention I would have realized they did this to others in the past. 

[CindyH in NC]

I experienced the betrayal of a friend years ago. The thing I hadn't been ready for is the break-up feeling. It was surprisingly like what you would feel when breaking up a close boyfriend relationship.

 

It sounds like you are going through something similar. There are so many pieces to it. First, you are hurt by their actions and betrayed. Trust was broken. Not only does it hurt, it makes you feel foolish. Second, you are experiencing loss... You have lost a friend, and now there is a gap in your heart. Third, you almost have feelings of jealousy attached. In the case of a boyfriend, it would be jealousy of maybe their new girlfriend. In your case, it is watching someone who wronged you come out on top (in your view.)

 

This is ALOT of junk to sift through, especially if you have to see them/interact regularly. And it involves more than "getting over it." You are walking through the grieving process.

 

You have gotten a lot of great advice here. I pipe up only to add that break-ups often take much more time to heal from than we think they will. I am not a very emotionally driven person, yet in my case, it was a good 6 months before the pain started to dull and almost 2 years before I had full peace in my heart when I interacted with the person who broke my trust. Even now, I have to see them regularly. It is 9 years later, I have no lingering feelings, but I still have no desire to reform a friendship. There are certain things that can make even the most logical among us feel sucker-punched:-)

 

Don't beat yourself up if this takes time... You aren't crazy, just sorting through a grief. As long as you are working to deal with it in a healthy manner and not wallowing, you will find your feelings turn slowly from fury to angst to shaking your head at the injustice of it to, hopefully, apathy.

 

[CindyH in NC]

ProfessorMom,

Somehow my reply isn't showing up in the post above.  Just wanted to let you know that viewing my situation as a break-up with the accompanying loss and grief had not occurred to me.  I has made me evaluate the situation somewhat differently over the past couple of days. 

I wanted to thank you for your reply and for sharing your experience. 

[CindyH in NC]

Thanks to everyone who replied and sent PMs.  Just hearing that I wasn't crazy, and that others have been there before has really helped even though I hate that others have had to experience these feelings.  I am a little more at peace with my emotions and lack of logic in regards to this person.  Just typing all of this out over the past few days has definitely helped me process some of my feelings and to realize that my emotions don't have to be logical.  I will be employing some of the techniques and ideas suggested, and may still end up seeing a therapist, but I am truly in a better place than I was a week ago.  Thanks again,

 

Cindy

 

[Teresa in MO]

I have been reading this thread the past few days.  Everything you have written you could apply to my life for the past 5 years.  We are in the same situation with a very close family member.  In our case there has been great financial loss involved.  Even though the rest of the family acknowledges that we have been wronged, the blame has been put on us.  The lack of support from other family members that we have spent the last 30 years helping and supporting in any way we could has left me with a very deep resentment that I struggle with every day.  My dh brushes things off alot better than me, even though he has been greatly hurt by all this (it is his immediate family).  I tend to hold onto the feeling of betrayal and resentment much more than he does.  It definitely has affected my daily life.  It seems no matter how hard I try to let it go, I just can't.  It might be because it is still an ongoing situation that affects our lives daily.  There is always something new that occurs on a daily basis.  

 

I guess I haven't offered any help, but thought knowing you're not the only one who struggles with this might help.