How do you get past a deep resentment?

[madteaparty]

I am going through something similar though it is someone much closer to me. Coping mechanisms change by day, but generally, i try not to permit the other person/their life/what they did to wrong me to take up too much real estate in my life. I think about it, I get sad, I proceed to move on with the business of my life. There is something empowering about not letting someone have a hold on your thoughts/emotions.

Further, things are never as great as they seem. Not for long. Not for anyone. I look at what is good in my life  despite the devastation wrought by others and cherish that. Think of it this way: Would you exchange your life with anyone else? I think if we knew all the details, the answers in my case is always "no". Lastly, think of the resentment as negative energy that is taking away from your enjoyment of your life/your kids. I'm pretty protective of how I feel towards my kids so I won't let anything negative interfere with that. This is probably incoherent, but it's what helps me. Today. Tomorrow, who know? :)

[SharonM]

I haven't read all the replies, but here is my 2 cents. I had a couple of people that I was forced to deal with and couldn't avoid. They did not like me and I did not like them. One was fil, one was my mothers second husband. I was driving myself crazy with my thoughts about them and all that they did and said to me that was hurtful.

I reached the end of my rope and (I am a Christian) reached out to God and asked him to bless them. I couldn't do anything for them, but that He could.

It helped me heal. I just repeated that every time they entered my thoughts. Both of these men died, and I felt that I have done the best I could.

This has helped me with other episodes with family and friends, that blessing and good wishes for them. I wish them well.

[Joanne]

Posting without having read past the OP.

 

"Forgiveness" is a universal spiritual discipline. The concept of it shows up, again and again, in spiritual, religious, and self help and self care tradition, writings, and advice. As such, I personally believe that the concept is worth considering as valid.

 

I went through a very formal process of "resentment removing" when I worked the 12 Steps the first time nearly 25 years ago. To resent is literally to "re-feel" (going back to the etiology of the words.) It can be helpful to remember that your brain and body don't know that "it" is not happening now. Your brain and body experience the "re-feeling" as if it was happening in real time. Over time, this relentless barrage of chemicals created by thinking takes its toll.

 

YOU ARE WORTH BREAKING THAT CYCLE. Allowing your thoughts to continue past the first reminder is your choice, and it's hurting you, not the people. Resentment is like taking poison and expecting the OTHER person to feel it.

 

So, the first step is to want to change and to be willing to take responsibility for continuing the pattern; it is not the offender's fault.

The next step is the remedy. That involved some very practical way to change your thought/thinking. There are many approaches to the same thing. The key is to decide, in advice, what you are going to think about instead. Some ideas:

 

1. Scripture
2. An affirmation
3. A prayer
4. Something related to graditude

Other, proacitve, ways are exercise, meditation, yoga, acts of service, a gratitude journal. I personally find it helpful to do a "forgiveness ritual" regularly and commit to the thought stopping process after.

 

The key is to stop the thought (literally known as "thought stopping" and redirect the mind.

 

 

[TranquilMind]

I feel that my relationships with my family are suffering due to resentment as well as jealousy of someone who was once very close with my family, but due to lying and other behaviors is now cut off.  We (my family) have had a lot of struggles since this happened-not due to this person- and it is hard to hear about good things happening to this person without feeling resentment and a little jealousy.

 

Not proud of it, but it is what it is.  I would love to get past this, but it bubbles up whenever I am having insomnia or a bad day and then I tend to let it fester.  Due to privacy issues, I am leaving out huge chunks of background - that is not really relevant - I just need ways to help myself move past this.  Most other members of my family have moved on, but since we live in the same neighborhood and have kids in the same school, I can't avoid hearing things and feeling why me. I devoted a lot of time and energy to this person and their family in the past and feel used and betrayed. 

 

Does anyone else deal with this now or have you in the past?  I try really hard to not bring this up with my dh or children - they are past it for the most part, but I do have a child who was devastated by this person's behavior in the past and even they have moved on.  I don't gossip or even mention this to friends.   Like I said above, I am not proud of my attitude, and I try not to dwell, but it reappears when I am struggling with other things and I just can't shake it.  Please be gentle.  I want to "let it go".  I am just not sure how to do it permanently. 

Cindy

You forgive, actively.  You say it out loud as many times as it comes to your mind when you are alone, even if it takes years, because you refuse to be robbed of your peace any longer. 

 

One day, you realize that it is true, you have forgiven,  and though you never forget, it no longer controls you.   

[TranquilMind]

Posting without having read past the OP.

 

"Forgiveness" is a universal spiritual discipline. The concept of it shows up, again and again, in spiritual, religious, and self help and self care tradition, writings, and advice. As such, I personally believe that the concept is worth considering as valid.

 

I went through a very formal process of "resentment removing" when I worked the 12 Steps the first time nearly 25 years ago. To resent is literally to "re-feel" (going back to the etiology of the words.) It can be helpful to remember that your brain and body don't know that "it" is not happening now. Your brain and body experience the "re-feeling" as if it was happening in real time. Over time, this relentless barrage of chemicals created by thinking takes its toll.

 

YOU ARE WORTH BREAKING THAT CYCLE. Allowing your thoughts to continue past the first reminder is your choice, and it's hurting you, not the people. Resentment is like taking poison and expecting the OTHER person to feel it.

 

So, the first step is to want to change and to be willing to take responsibility for continuing the pattern; it is not the offender's fault.

The next step is the remedy. That involved some very practical way to change your thought/thinking. There are many approaches to the same thing. The key is to decide, in advice, what you are going to think about instead. Some ideas:

 

1. Scripture
2. An affirmation
3. A prayer
4. Something related to graditude

Other, proacitve, ways are exercise, meditation, yoga, acts of service, a gratitude journal. I personally find it helpful to do a "forgiveness ritual" regularly and commit to the thought stopping process after.

 

The key is to stop the thought (literally known as "thought stopping" and redirect the mind.

I heard this as, "Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die."

 

But yes, good concept.  Win, don't lose to this person who doesn't even know he/she is controlling you. 

[CindyH in NC]

I have been reading this thread the past few days.  Everything you have written you could apply to my life for the past 5 years.  We are in the same situation with a very close family member.  In our case there has been great financial loss involved.  Even though the rest of the family acknowledges that we have been wronged, the blame has been put on us.  The lack of support from other family members that we have spent the last 30 years helping and supporting in any way we could has left me with a very deep resentment that I struggle with every day.  My dh brushes things off alot better than me, even though he has been greatly hurt by all this (it is his immediate family).  I tend to hold onto the feeling of betrayal and resentment much more than he does.  It definitely has affected my daily life.  It seems no matter how hard I try to let it go, I just can't.  It might be because it is still an ongoing situation that affects our lives daily.  There is always something new that occurs on a daily basis.  

 

I guess I haven't offered any help, but thought knowing you're not the only one who struggles with this might help.

I am so sorry to hear of your situation.  The fact that you are dealing with family must make it so hard, and that it is ongoing must be a terrible burden.  I understand the feelings of betrayal, but it does help knowing I am not alone. I hope that knowing you are not alone helps you also. 

 

My dh is also able to move past things better than I, and I sometimes find it hard to accept that.  It is sometime frustrating that he is not as resentful as I am, you know?  That sounds ridiculous, I know. 

 

This thread has helped me immensely.  I hope you find something to help you, too. 

[mamiof5]

I have been wanting to respond to this, and sorry if it has been suggested already, have been super busy and don't have a chance to read all the replies. Honestly what gas worked for me is to pray for the person I am mad with. It might not make sense, but it has helped. Resenting someone hurts you the most, not them. When I pray for them I don't know, maybe just realize no one is perfect, including me, and it just helps me to move on?