How to I tactfully and nicely tell DD she is too fat to wear something?

[RoughCollie]

It's time to take DD shopping for clothes for fall & winter.

 

The tops the girls wear at her school are pretty much skin-tight. They all shop at the same stores: Hollister, American Eagle Outfitters, and other stores of that ilk.

 

DD showed me what was wrong with a certain top of hers. It was too loose (didn't look like it to me). She bunched the fabric a little so it was tighter to show me how tops have to fit. Sure enough -- body skimming.

 

The problem is that DD is about 25 lbs. overweight and 5'5" tall. She knows it, but she does not recognize that it is a problem when it comes to selecting clothing styles. Her overriding concern is that she looks like all the other girls.

 

DD is in no danger of becoming anorexic, we keep healthy foods in the house, DD is perfectly healthy, and she exercises daily. She has my mother's and my body type and she will have to really watch her calories and increase her exercise quite a bit in order to lose weight and maintain it at a lower level.

 

Anyway, this is not about DD's weight, which has been a problem for years, and which I have been handling exactly as her pediatrician has told me to do. That's a problem for another post.

 

How do I handle this situation? I do not want to come right out and say that her pot belly will stick out and be emphasized, for instance. I do not want to hurt DD's feelings and I want the clothes buying process to go as smoothly as possible with both of us still speaking to one another afterward.

 

How should I approach this?

 

Thanks,

RC

[Michele B]

As far as clothing goes, it is a modesty issue.

[Remudamom]

Or just tell her it doesn't flatter her figure/body type, whatever.

 

My dds are both thin, but they don't get to wear skin type clothing either.

 

We're not going for the Hooker U look, I don't care what anyone else is wearing.

[Kelli in TN]

How about "I am not comfortable with you wearing skin tight clothes". Let her blame it on you. You be the bad guy and I bet she will thank you eventually. She might even be relieved now. Make it about modesty instead of her weight.

 

Yep. Be the bad guy. Mean old mom thinks EVERYTHING is immodest. She can gripe to her friends abut you and they can all roll their eyes in sympathy.

[Mekanamom]

I don't know if she'll believe you, (I didn't believe a thing my mom said about clothes when I was a kid) but try to emphasize that it isn't the fashion itself that counts, but finding clothes that look attractive on whatever body type we have. We can't all just wear the same thing and end up looking the same, sadly enough sometimes.

 

One of my dd's has a bit more of a tummy than my other two. She'll try on clothes, and I will tell her that the cut isn't flattering to her or it's simply the wrong size for her shape, and we need to find some that fit her better. So far she understands and agrees, but I don't know how long that will last. ;)

 

Anyway... try emphasizing the overall attractiveness factor as well as the modesty thing. (I know what it's like to be singled out as the only girl who could not wear such and such because it wasn't modest enough... if I had felt better about the attractiveness of what I could wear, I would not have been so resentful of the entire modesty factor... kwim? In my case, it was mini skirts when every single other girl at my school could wear them. Sigh.)

[Guest]

I would just be honest. My mom used to tell me that certain clothes did not flatter my body type. It stung at the time, but I'm glad now. Immodesty/things you would not allow are a different issue and I would tell her you don't allow that, if that's the case.

[Tracey in TX]

Every body has clothing styles which accentuate their best traits. The goal is to find those styles. It might not always be the coolest label, but that doesn't prevent her from wearing an occasional AE or Hollister t-shirt. I remind DD (who is very curvy already, and not even 11y/o yet) that all girls have challenges finding clothes. We need to guide DDs to find appropriate clothing for her particular body. Growing girls change so quickly.

 

Have you pointed out certain styles which might appear form fitting without having it too tight and unbecoming?

Good luck. I really dislike shopping with my daughters. It's a battle of the wills.

[3lilreds in NC]

Hmmm. I have a dd with the same issues. :) So far, when I've told her I don't care for how something looks on her, she will agree. She doesn't like tight things yet though.

 

I agree with the poster who said her clothes need to flatter *her,* not necessarily follow the current fashion trend. If that doesn't work, tell her that the tight clothing you see other girls wearing is immodest and not something you want her to wear (if that's not lying).

 

If it's not a modesty issue for you, you can either force the point that it doesn't look nice on her and refuse to buy clothing that fits that way, or just let her wear it. Honestly, my dd8 wears things that are a little tight sometimes, because they're her favorites. When I see that, I tell her it's the last time for that particular item and remove it from circulation, but I will let her have the one last wear. I will not, however, buy things that start off too tight. She's only 8 so it's a tummy issue rather than other areas.;)

[LibraryLover]

If it's a modesty issue, I would say that. Under no circumstances would I tell anyone, and especially not a teen girl, that they are 'too fat' for something.

 

I am sure you wouldn't have worded it that way, so I'm just hear to yammer on about how nobody needs to be told something like that. Most young people get that they don't meet the beauty standards of a culture without their mom telling them so.

[Jami]

Stacey and Clinton need to do a "What Not to Wear" for pre-teens and teens.

 

If she carries her extra weight around her middle, then button up, structured shirts are probably more flattering for her. Trust me, I know. :tongue_smilie:

 

One thing that my mom was great about, that I didn't always appreciate, was taking the time to have me try on lots of different styles and sizes. You just can't always know how something will look ON you when you shop online or pick up a hanger at the store. She might look at something that seems like it would look goofy, but find it's so cute on her.

 

Hang in there mom. :001_smile:

[Mama Lynx]

I would just be honest. My mom used to tell me that certain clothes did not flatter my body type. It stung at the time, but I'm glad now. Immodesty/things you would not allow are a different issue and I would tell her you don't allow that, if that's the case.

 

I encourage this route. I was out of high school ... no, out of college ... before I had any clue that certain styles are more flattering for certain body types. Really. I'm a complete fashion moron.

 

I would tell her that not all styles fit all body types. The advertisers would like us to believe that everyone has the same body type. However, what is in style is just NOT going to look good on everyone. You will look much better, always, if you stick to styles that flatter your particular figure.

 

My Mom never really told me these things. However, the older ladies in one of my first office jobs certainly let me know :blink: Talk about embarrassing.

[WTMindy]

I would just be honest. My mom used to tell me that certain clothes did not flatter my body type. It stung at the time, but I'm glad now. Immodesty/things you would not allow are a different issue and I would tell her you don't allow that, if that's the case.

I agree with this too. Tell her we all have styles that don't flatter our figures and that is one of the bummers of being a woman!! Help her find the things that look cute on her.

[5kidsforME]

It's time to take DD shopping for clothes for fall & winter.

 

The tops the girls wear at her school are pretty much skin-tight. They all shop at the same stores: Hollister, American Eagle Outfitters, and other stores of that ilk.

 

DD showed me what was wrong with a certain top of hers. It was too loose (didn't look like it to me). She bunched the fabric a little so it was tighter to show me how tops have to fit. Sure enough -- body skimming.

 

The problem is that DD is about 25 lbs. overweight and 5'5" tall. She knows it, but she does not recognize that it is a problem when it comes to selecting clothing styles. Her overriding concern is that she looks like all the other girls.

 

DD is in no danger of becoming anorexic, we keep healthy foods in the house, DD is perfectly healthy, and she exercises daily. She has my mother's and my body type and she will have to really watch her calories and increase her exercise quite a bit in order to lose weight and maintain it at a lower level.

 

Anyway, this is not about DD's weight, which has been a problem for years, and which I have been handling exactly as her pediatrician has told me to do. That's a problem for another post.

 

How do I handle this situation? I do not want to come right out and say that her pot belly will stick out and be emphasized, for instance. I do not want to hurt DD's feelings and I want the clothes buying process to go as smoothly as possible with both of us still speaking to one another afterward.

 

How should I approach this?

 

Thanks,

RC

 

From a plus sized women that used to be a chubby teenager, I would make sure you exclude the word fat from the discussion.

[swellmomma]

For me it is not a weight issue at all. Even my uber skinny girl will not be wearing clothing that is skin tight, it is not appropriate. It is a modesty issue not a weight one.

[JFSinIL]

My dd, 14, goes to public high school and insists on wearing the same tops as the other kids. She does have a big tummy, knows it,....and still wants to wear clothes that make her "spare tire" prominent. I figure her peeps will let her know if it is a bad idea. She won;t take fashion advice from moi!

[Jenny in Florida]

My daughter went through a chunky phase, and she carried most of the weight in her belly. When she tried on or wanted something that emphasized that area, I'd just comment that I didn't think it was especially flattering.

 

We did discuss the modesty issue, too.

 

I just chose not to make a big deal about it and to handle it in a no-nonsense, up-front way.

[Wendi]

There's the TV show, and there are some books (check your library) about how to dress for your body type. These might be a good way for you to explore finding clothes that flatter her. (And help her see that it's not just "YOU".)

 

Wendi

[myfunnybunch]

I have a curvy daughter who is overweight.

 

If I am purchasing her clothing, I say something like "I'm not so sure that's the most flattering fit for you. Let's find something that suits your curves." I've also pointed out to her that she's bustier than many girls her age, so clothing made to fit the "average" teen may not be the best fit for her. If she fusses about the issue (not common with this child), we leave the store--not because of the fit issue, but because I see fussing as a gratitude/attitude issue.

 

If she is purchasing the clothing for herself, I stick strictly to modesty as my sole criteria. If it's unflattering (imo) but still within the modesty guidelines we've set for our family, I keep my opinion to myself unless asked.

 

I do to listen to my daughter's preferences, but ultimately it's family money we've budgeted for our daughters, and I want those dollars to go toward clothing they'll wear for the whole year and beyond. Both of my daughters bring their own spending money when I shop with them for buying accessories and items I may not purchase for them.

 

I try to leave even the thought "fat" out of my head, because I don't want it even underlying what I say to her. :)

 

Cat

[OnTheBrink]

I just spent Saturday shopping with my dd, who's a bit pudgy. I just told her that because she can get it on her body doesn't mean it fits. I told her that tight shirts are immodest and that they don't make people look thin, they make them look bigger. Same with tight jeans, even if they are a stretch material.

[Camy-7 boybarians 1 lady]

How about taking a morning or evening power walk w/ your daughter? This way, you and she could get in some physical fitness and bond with each other at the same time.

 

Let her know the clothing her friends are wearing is not flattering or appropriate for the school environment. Period. Tell her you understand her desire to be fashionable like the others. Empathize w/ her.

 

My boys have entered school for their first year (twins, 14 year old). One of the fashion plate doornob-type guys told my son that he was a nerd and that all he needed to add to his outfit was a geeky pair of glasses. LOL! What the kid doesn't understand is that my son thinks he and his look-alike friends are the ones who look like geeks! LOL>

 

My husband told my boys that they should not want to fit in and be like the rest of the school crowd. He mentioned that if they did fit in, something was wrong. I think this gets them thinking about what they see at school.

 

One thing we found helpful when dealing w/ our boys about these social issues, is that we never allow them to feel sorry for themselves. Never the "oh, your poor thing. You don't fit in" approach. We try to have them rise to the challenge before them.

 

About the clothing, perhaps you should give your daughter a choice of approved garments. I would say "Sweetie, which tops would like: a, b, or c? or a combo of the 3?" If she says no deal, I want one of the sleezy, hooker tops, I'd say "Sorry, a, b, or c are your choices. We will leave the store w/o purchasing if you cannot choose."

 

Try to be kind and not emotional (grrr...that is hard, I know). Be matter of fact, loving, and to the point.

 

Blessings,

 

Camy

[ereks mom]

I agree with this too. Tell her we all have styles that don't flatter our figures and that is one of the bummers of being a woman!! Help her find the things that look cute on her.

 

She wanted to dress llike her skinny cousins, but those styles didn't work for her.

[RoughCollie]

Thank you all so much for helping me with this. I'll go with modesty and the style for body type suggestions. I would never mention that she is fat or overweight to her -- it would hurt her feelings a lot.

 

I want her to dress stylishly from her point of view, but I do not want her to look like she dances on tables for a living.

 

We are going to Salvation Army today to see if DD can find a shirt to wear for picture day tomorrow. No way I'm going to the mall to spend hours looking for one shirt. The next excursion will be to the mall, though.

 

It did come as a shock to find out that the girl who has 14 outfits (including shorts and t-shirts) to wear has nothing suitable to wear to picture day. Her clothing is not "in".

 

Thank you again!

RC

[Zelda]

These issues between moms and daughters can be so loaded. We'll try to say one thing...they'll hear another. My mom and I did battle on fashion issues for years. It wasn't usually a matter of modesty. Those weren't up for debate. If it looked inapproriate that was that. The arguments were a matter of different tastes and sometimes even different ideas of what was flattering. The silhouettes that appealed to her felt dated to me. She was obsessed with looking taller, I embraced my shrimpiness.

 

I made some mistakes but a fashion mistake is something you can definitely laugh about later.

 

I love the idea of watching, "What Not To Wear", with her sans any commentary of your own. She will start considering the idea of flattering v. unflattering as a universal concept and not some crazy thing cooked up by you. Plus, its a fun show! Good luck with whatever you end up doing.

[asta]

This thread has gotten me thinking about what rules were in play when I was growing up.

 

No shorts or skirts more than 2" above the knee

No tank tops or tube tops

No "age inappropriate" clothing

 

Otherwise, me and my sibs were pretty much given free reign. Yet, when you think about it, for the styles available in the late 70s and 80s, that pretty much covered everything!

 

We came up with some COOL outfits. We were the queens of the thrift store and the local "retro" shop. All of the girls at school wanted to borrow our clothes, because we had the things no one else had (and for 50 cents, to boot).

 

I don't know, maybe it also had to do with not having a lot of money (in general). We couldn't have bought the "trendy" stuff even if we HAD been allowed to wear some of it. So we went the opposite direction and made our own styles. I think it helped us in the long run. None of us are slaves to fashion. We all shop for the "killer deal". We all shop for quality pieces that are timeless. And we all shop for our body type.

 

Good luck with your daughter.

 

 

asta

[Sahamamama]

I'm trying to remember what it felt like to be a bit overweight, in public school, and 14... Not sure my brain wants to think back that far... oh, yes, here it comes... and it was not fun. :crying:

 

IMO, the dynamics of mother-daughter clothes shopping depend in large measure on your and your daughter's everyday relationship. How strong, open, honest, loving, and full of humor and respect is that? Can you laugh together when something looks ridiculous, or does every little item she tries on create a crisis? How important is it to you (Mom) for your daughter to fit in with peers? How important is it to you (Mom) for her to become her own person?

 

Try to have an understanding of your mutual objectives before starting out. In other words, before you even get in the car, talk it out. Talk about modesty, talk about fitting in, talk about the financial aspects (what is your budget limit for this excursion? She is old enough to know this), talk about the visual-sexual wiring of young (all?) men, talk about peer pressure, and talk about where you stand (as an adult woman) and why. Ultimately, does your daughter trust you? Ask her before you go. Will she graciously submit to your final say? Ask her before you go.

 

I don't know how to explain this... This clothes shopping trip isn't about "how tight" everything is that ends up in the bags. It's really a matter of your daughter's heart and your ability to teach and touch it with your loving mother's guidance and hard-won discernment. At this age your daughter has her own strong motivations -- the why or the why not of doing something in a certain way.

 

But at your age :lol:, you know a few things! I would not hesitate to have the final veto authority on any item, and to state this at the outset. You might possibly have to stretch a bit to turn over to her some of the less earth-shattering choices -- for example, the colors, the textures, the selection of items within the budget -- but in matters of modesty, you have the final say.

 

I wouldn't bring up the weight issue. Keep that separate from shopping, if at all possible! Clothes shopping for "chunky" teenagers is painful enough. Thank God, I had (and have) the sweetest mother. She didn't even so much as say out loud, "I think you need the next size up, Honey," she just quietly went out to the rack and brought the bigger size into the fitting room. So patient, tender, and servant-hearted. My mother has never, ever, embarassed me about my weight (it's really not that bad), even to this day, and I am thankful for it. HTH, RC! Good luck!

[Carol in Cal.]

Yep. Be the bad guy. Mean old mom thinks EVERYTHING is immodest. She can gripe to her friends abut you and they can all roll their eyes in sympathy.

 

"May I have the eyeroll, please?"

[Country Girl]

I'm trying to remember what it felt like to be a bit overweight, in public school, and 14... Not sure my brain wants to think back that far... oh, yes, here it comes... and it was not fun. :crying:

 

IMO, the dynamics of mother-daughter clothes shopping depend in large measure on your and your daughter's everyday relationship. How strong, open, honest, loving, and full of humor and respect is that? Can you laugh together when something looks ridiculous, or does every little item she tries on create a crisis? How important is it to you (Mom) for your daughter to fit in with peers? How important is it to you (Mom) for her to become her own person?

 

Try to have an understanding of your mutual objectives before starting out. In other words, before you even get in the car, talk it out. Talk about modesty, talk about fitting in, talk about the financial aspects (what is your budget limit for this excursion? She is old enough to know this), talk about the visual-sexual wiring of young (all?) men, talk about peer pressure, and talk about where you stand (as an adult woman) and why. Ultimately, does your daughter trust you? Ask her before you go. Will she graciously submit to your final say? Ask her before you go.

 

I don't know how to explain this... This clothes shopping trip isn't about "how tight" everything is that ends up in the bags. It's really a matter of your daughter's heart and your ability to teach and touch it with your loving mother's guidance and hard-won discernment. At this age your daughter has her own strong motivations -- the why or the why not of doing something in a certain way.

 

But at your age :lol:, you know a few things! I would not hesitate to have the final veto authority on any item, and to state this at the outset. You might possibly have to stretch a bit to turn over to her some of the less earth-shattering choices -- for example, the colors, the textures, the selection of items within the budget -- but in matters of modesty, you have the final say.

 

I wouldn't bring up the weight issue. Keep that separate from shopping, if at all possible! Clothes shopping for "chunky" teenagers is painful enough. Thank God, I had (and have) the sweetest mother. She didn't even so much as say out loud, "I think you need the next size up, Honey," she just quietly went out to the rack and brought the bigger size into the fitting room. So patient, tender, and servant-hearted. My mother has never, ever, embarassed me about my weight (it's really not that bad), even to this day, and I am thankful for it. HTH, RC! Good luck!

 

As a mother whose daughter is only 2.5, I really enjoyed and appreciated your post. It is full of great wisdom that I hope to remember for the days when dd and I have a chance to shop together. Thanks for sharing!

[Sammy]

Or just tell her it doesn't flatter her figure/body type, whatever.

 

My dds are both thin, but they don't get to wear skin type clothing either.

 

We're not going for the Hooker U look, I don't care what anyone else is wearing.

 

You know, this type of comment disturbs me. If you don't want your daughters to wear this type of clothing that's your decision, but it's really inappropriate to compare teens to hookers because they wear tight tee-shirts. Some clothing is over-the-top, but tight tees that cover the body do not a hooker make. I wore them as a teen back in the 70's and managed to avoid going into that particular line of work. I presume my very lovely and intelligent, Abercrombie and Hollister-wearing daughter will as well.

[Chocobean]

Have we forgotten what it was like to be a daughter?

 

If it really is a modesty issue, you would've titled the post "How do I tactfully and nicely tell DD we are too modest to wear something?". The fact is that your honest opinion is she's too fat to wear something. Even if you don't use the word, even if you say it's a modesty issue, she'll know that "fat" is what you mean. She's not 8 anymore -- she watches TV with slim people in it, reads magazines with slim models, goes shopping and sees tabloid pictures about "success weight loss stories" etc. She notices curvy, slim girls who are popular. She knows what she is.

 

If you use "modesty" now, you're just sending her mixed moral values on what's modest and what isn't modest. Please, I plead with you, don't use the opportunity to teach good manners and modesty as the "front" to your criticism of her choice of clothing for body type.

 

She's a teen. nothing you say will be taken appreciatively. Even if she doesn't react in anger, the sting would drive home. We get enough conscious and subconscious criticism from peers, media and men -- our moms should be the one person who "sees above all these" and see the real, skinny me inside, or at least think that it doesn't matter.

 

Alternatively, when you are in a mall with her, point out how some other fat girls don't really look that good in their tight tops. That's all the message she'll need from you and she can decide if she wants to value it or not.

[Carol in Cal.]

So my question is, is this truly a modesty issue? If not, I think that if you say that it is, as some have suggested, you won't be being quite honest. I don't think you have to tell the whole, exact truth, but you do want what you say to be accurate.

 

Personally, I don't mind body skimming shirts from a modesty perspective, unless they are of very thin material. Then I require that they be layered, and that appropriate underwear be worn.

 

What I hate from a modesty standpoint are spaghetti strap tops, midriff tops, and clothes that either show your undergarments or suggest that either they are showing undergarments or don't have any on. I also, as above, don't allow very thin shirts.

 

For the tighter clothes if you don't have a modesty issue with them, I think that it might be reasonable to let her buy one to try it out and see whether she is really going to like it. Then let her get some more if she doesn't get laughed out of school or if they are really comfortable to want to wear all day. I also think that you can find fitted shirts and tops that still skim your body--they don't all have to be extremely tight to give that look. French cut tshirts do that--they have waist indentations, which is the key. Also, empire shirts and baby doll shirts are pretty popular right now out here--don't know whether it's like that there or not, but those are both alternatives that can provide some camoflauge while still looking pretty stylish.

 

Also, does she have some consuming interests for which she would like to 'be there, do that, and wear the t-shirt?" A sports tee shirt shows some spirit and she might be happy with one of those if she has a strong involvement with some particular activity.

 

It's hard, I know.

[Pink Fairy]

Or just tell her it doesn't flatter her figure/body type, whatever.

 

My dds are both thin, but they don't get to wear skin type clothing either.

 

We're not going for the Hooker U look, I don't care what anyone else is wearing.

 

You know, this type of comment disturbs me. If you don't want your daughters to wear this type of clothing that's your decision, but it's really inappropriate to compare teens to hookers because they wear tight tee-shirts. Some clothing is over-the-top, but tight tees that cover the body do not a hooker make. I wore them as a teen back in the 70's and managed to avoid going into that particular line of work. I presume my very lovely and intelligent, Abercrombie and Hollister-wearing daughter will as well.

 

Not everything relates to a particular situation (like yours). As a ps teacher, my dh sees plenty of teenage girls who do dress like hookers. And that's literally dress like hookers, with wares almost fully displayed (bre@sts all but completely falling out of tops, butt cheeks hanging out of too-short shorts, etc.) They get sent to the office, but still. :blink:

[nmoira]

 

I wouldn't bring up the weight issue. Keep that separate from shopping, if at all possible! Clothes shopping for "chunky" teenagers is painful enough. Thank God, I had (and have) the sweetest mother. She didn't even so much as say out loud, "I think you need the next size up, Honey," she just quietly went out to the rack and brought the bigger size into the fitting room. So patient, tender, and servant-hearted. My mother has never, ever, embarassed me about my weight (it's really not that bad), even to this day, and I am thankful for it. HTH, RC! Good luck!

Your mom sounds wonderful.

[Sammy]

Not everything relates to a particular situation (like yours). As a ps teacher, my dh sees plenty of teenage girls who do dress like hookers. And that's literally dress like hookers, with wares almost fully displayed (bre@sts all but completely falling out of tops, butt cheeks hanging out of too-short shorts, etc.) They get sent to the office, but still. :blink:

 

And that's why I prefaced my comment with "some clothing is over the top..." :)

[DB in NJ]

Or just tell her it doesn't flatter her figure/body type, whatever.

 

My dds are both thin, but they don't get to wear skin type clothing either.

 

We're not going for the Hooker U look, I don't care what anyone else is wearing.

 

 

My dd has such a lovely shape to her, but she does have a bit of a belly. The rules are that if dh and I find something inappropriate, she doesn't wear it (or buy it). There are some things we let her wear down the shore or around the house during the summer, but they're not appropriate for church, etc. We have talked to her about looking cheap or hooker-ish, etc. She tends to like the more immodest, "in" styles. Blech.

 

What we've decided is that we set the modesty rules; as long as her style fits into our rules, it's ok.

[Chocobean]

:tongue_smilie:btw I apologize if I sounded quite emotional and judgmental in my last post. I've battled with body size issues since I was quite young, and I still remember how hurtful it was sometimes, even when mother meant well, and was right(especially when she was right), and even when I still know she loves me and cares deeply for me. Those of us with guilty body-conscience are extra extra sensitive sometimes, and it's tough to hear anything, anything at all.

 

I've always been tiny, to the point where growing up, my mother wondered repeatedly if I had parasites. I still fit into my training bra :crying:. But y'know, one year I saw just the perfect little dark red tube top, and I desparately, desparately wanted to fit into it....I bought it, but I've never worn it, not once. It "fits" in the sense that it doesnt fall off or rip off, but it's "not supposed to look like that" kind of unfit. I knew that when I tried it on, but I bought it anyway, because deep down all of us just want to be pretty princesses.

 

I once read a literary criticism that said dont' just point out the bad, vulgar and sensational writing in a piece -- provide the child with a contrasting piece, done in the same style that works, and that soars to the highest height over where the bad piece had failed to reach. Find examples of beautifully dressed bigger women -- there are plenty of them. I went to a Fleminco dancing bar once, and saw this dancer who is a little "older", with two spare tires. But you know, DH and I both came out of the bar thinking what a gorgeous women she was, how the Body is truly magnificent, and how her confidence and grace made her the most beautiful woman we have seen all evening in that crowded room.

[DB in NJ]

You know, this type of comment disturbs me. If you don't want your daughters to wear this type of clothing that's your decision, but it's really inappropriate to compare teens to hookers because they wear tight tee-shirts. Some clothing is over-the-top, but tight tees that cover the body do not a hooker make. I wore them as a teen back in the 70's and managed to avoid going into that particular line of work. I presume my very lovely and intelligent, Abercrombie and Hollister-wearing daughter will as well.

 

But it's more than the tight tee-shirts. I see girls walking around in stuff that used to be considered pornographic -- and it's supposed to be ok because they are either built for it or their moms bought it for them or it's just the "latest style" or whatever other reason people use to justify it. Frankly, when more of a body is exposed than is covered, it looks cheap -- imo -- and yes, that is how some "professionals" dress too. If people don't want to be compared to those in that line of work, then they shouldn't dress the part.

 

No one is saying that because your lovely and intelligent daughter wears some of the latest fashions that she is or even looks like a hooker -- we don't know her, haven't seen her, have no idea what she wears. So please don't take this personally. But I can tell you that even some of the girls in our church (and their mothers too) wear stuff that I wouldn't even wear if only me and dh were in the room alone.

[RoughCollie]

Well, well, well. I've gone shopping with DD, and I see you all have been having fun without me. :D

 

We went to Salvation Army. DD bought a sleeveless shirt to wear under a low-cut shirt (it fills in where cleavage would otherwise be. She bought a hoodie from Aeropostale (and tried on 3 more, but they were too small). She also bought a pair of jeans.

 

I'm the wonder woman who found the Aeropostale hoodies. DD didn't want me to suggest anything -- but she took those to try on. :001_smile:

 

She looks great.

 

We had the modesty and body-type discussion before we left.

 

Thank you all for your help. We didn't argue about anything! Plus, I found a pair of Old Navy jeans and a Hard Rock Cafe long-sleeved t-shirt for DS1, which fit and which he loves.

 

All in all, it was the first good shopping trip we've had in awhile.

 

RC

[DB in NJ]

EXCELLENT!!!!! Almost all of our shopping trips used to end up with one or both of us in tears. Since we agreed on the rules, we've had shopping trips like you and your dd had today.

 

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! It really CAN be fun!!!! :D

[myfunnybunch]

Yay!!

 

I'm so glad it went well. I hope you have many more like it.

 

Cat

[Remudamom]

You know, this type of comment disturbs me. If you don't want your daughters to wear this type of clothing that's your decision, but it's really inappropriate to compare teens to hookers because they wear tight tee-shirts. Some clothing is over-the-top, but tight tees that cover the body do not a hooker make. I wore them as a teen back in the 70's and managed to avoid going into that particular line of work. I presume my very lovely and intelligent, Abercrombie and Hollister-wearing daughter will as well.

 

I'm not talking about your daughter. I'm talking about clothes that make girls look trashy and cheap. And some tight tees fall into that category.

 

I don't understand the need to defend your daughter's tee shirts? That's not what we're talking aout.

[Audrey]

From a plus sized women that used to be a chubby teenager, I would make sure you exclude the word fat from the discussion.

 

 

I firmly second (or third? or fourth?) this. Also, I wouldn't even bother making it into a modesty issue either.

 

Even if you don't say the exact words, when a girl thinks her mother has called her "fat" or that she looks like a "hooker" she NEVER forgets that. Not. Ever.

 

I would buy her one or two of the shirts she wants and let her wear them. The teen years are a time where you start to come into your own -- taste in fashion included. I might give suggestions, if asked, of what I thought would be cute, but in all honesty, I wouldn't know what cute girls wear because I'm a lovely WOMAN -- or an old lady, depending on your perspective. My point is, girls deserve a chance to make, and learn from, their own fashion mistakes.

 

ETA: To the OP: I know YOU did not use the word hooker, but elsewhere it was mentioned and well... I just mean that any perceived negative implications coming from your mom aren't good. But, I think you probably know what I meant. Just clarifying.

[Sammy]

But it's more than the tight tee-shirts. I see girls walking around in stuff that used to be considered pornographic -- and it's supposed to be ok because they are either built for it or their moms bought it for them or it's just the "latest style" or whatever other reason people use to justify it. Frankly, when more of a body is exposed than is covered, it looks cheap -- imo -- and yes, that is how some "professionals" dress too. If people don't want to be compared to those in that line of work, then they shouldn't dress the part.

 

No one is saying that because your lovely and intelligent daughter wears some of the latest fashions that she is or even looks like a hooker -- we don't know her, haven't seen her, have no idea what she wears. So please don't take this personally. But I can tell you that even some of the girls in our church (and their mothers too) wear stuff that I wouldn't even wear if only me and dh were in the room alone.

 

Oh, I'm not taking anything personally. How could I? :) I was speaking in general for many teenaged girls I see who wear t-shirts that cover the body, but are *tight*. Tight and hanging out all over are two very different things. As I said, I wore tight t's and bellbottoms when I was a teen, too, as did my friends and, I'm sure, many on this board. Now, I agree there are items of clothing I find unseemly for young girls to be wearing, but let's do remember we're talking about young girls here. They want to be in style, they DO want to attract boys (whether they go about it in the right way or not is another story), and they are asserting their independence. I will wager there has never been a generation of parents who thought the clothes their teens wore were just great - from the swingy skirts of the flappers to the skin-tight sweaters and push-up bras of the fifties to now. I am simply asking that we show a little compassion and understanding, and leave the derogatory comparisons out of it.

[Heather in the Kootenays]

I sit in the food court with a cell phone. It's too painful for me.

[DB in NJ]

Oh, I'm not taking anything personally. How could I? :) I was speaking in general for many teenaged girls I see who wear t-shirts that cover the body, but are *tight*. Tight and hanging out all over are two very different things. As I said, I wore tight t's and bellbottoms when I was a teen, too, as did my friends and, I'm sure, many on this board. Now, I agree there are items of clothing I find unseemly for young girls to be wearing, but let's do remember we're talking about young girls here. They want to be in style, they DO want to attract boys (whether they go about it in the right way or not is another story), and they are asserting their independence. I will wager there has never been a generation of parents who thought the clothes their teens wore were just great - from the swingy skirts of the flappers to the skin-tight sweaters and push-up bras of the fifties to now. I am simply asking that we show a little compassion and understanding, and leave the derogatory comparisons out of it.

 

Gotcha. Thanks for clarifying. :)

[j.griff]

I'm not talking about your daughter. I'm talking about clothes that make girls look trashy and cheap. And some tight tees fall into that category.

 

I don't understand the need to defend your daughter's tee shirts? That's not what we're talking aout.

 

Well, t-shirts generally do cover the torso- unless they are midriffs, which are usually referred to as midriffs and not just plain "tees". Sammy says her DD wears 'tight' t-shirts, and you are saying that 'some tight tees fall into that category".

[Sahamamama]

Your mom sounds wonderful.

 

:iagree: She is. :001_smile:

[ma23peas]

I haven't read all the posts...but as long as the clothing is 'covering her up' and she's the one wearing it, let her wear it. I think you're more concerned about how embarrassed you would be having others think "how could her mother let her wear that?" Your daughter seems to be perfectly fine wearing that type of clothing and ENCOURAGE HER!! It's just clothing...I think you'll find something amazing will happen..by wearing the tight clothing she will be more motivated to watch her food and exercise more. I had a niece who was about 25 pounds overweight at age 14..she's 17 now and perfectly fit and trim now...she did it all on her own. But, for your own mother to challenge your 'right' to wear what you want (as long as it's in modest taste) would be devastating. If she were fit and trim, would you have a problem with her wearing the clothing? If you answered no, then you are asking for trouble by making your opinion known.

 

Encourage her and even tell her she looks nice, it's not the clothes that are making her appearance...it's her confidence..don't take that away from her.

 

Tara

[RoughCollie]

I haven't read all the posts...but as long as the clothing is 'covering her up' and she's the one wearing it, let her wear it.

 

I am not concerned about what people will think of me regarding DD's clothing.

 

I am concerned about modesty -- I do not want DD to wear certain clothing because it is too revealing and because of what clothing choices communicate about a person (the person being DD, not me).

 

I am peripherally concerned that DD, being in 8th grade where this sort of thing does happen, will be the recipient of negative comments if her clothing is so tight that it accentuates her fat.

 

If she were thin, I would not let her wear some of the clothing she likes -- she is nearly 13 years old and IMO she does not need to wear sexy clothing. When she is an adult, she may make whatever choices she likes without any negative commentary from me.

 

I *always*, every day, every time, compliment my daughter on how she looks, thinks, and behaves. These comments are not mere flattery. DD does not have any problems with her self-confidence that I can see. I would never knowingly hurt her or damage her psyche, not in a million years. I grew up with a highly critical mother, and I would not do that to my children. I am not in the business of providing my children with fodder for therapy.

 

RC

[ma23peas]

 

I am peripherally concerned that DD, being in 8th grade where this sort of thing does happen, will be the recipient of negative comments if her clothing is so tight that it accentuates her fat.

 

RC

 

You have a wonderful basis to back up your stance on "not wearing that because of decency/modesty issues" the Bible backs you up on that if you want to go there...

 

But, I stick with my belief that if you would be fine with an outfit that if she were fit then her size should not matter...the comments will come no matter what size your child is...if she were fit, you'd get comments about it being the wrong color for her or if she were too skinny, she'd get comments, we have to deal with those comments, that's life. Admitting that your mom was over critical is huge here...although you may not see it as critical as being compared to your mother's criticism, believe me, it's still criticism..we all try to be better than the mother before us, but we all have to acknowledge that we sometimes exhibit those behaviors unintentionally.

 

Your daughter will be fine! You're a great mom looking out for her and as long as that takes the front seat to criticism, she'll sail through!!

 

Tara

[Medieval Mom]

IMHO, DON'T BRING IN BODY TYPE! Whenever my mother did OR DOES mention this, I cringe. Her idea of my body is very different from my own. But, as a mother, she had the right to say, "You're not leaving the house looking like THAT!" and I respected her for it. Keeping it an issue of modesty lets your daughter know that you respect her and want others to respect her. (As you do! It's FANTASTIC that you compliment her so often!)

 

I really did feel a WORLD of difference when my mother told me I couldn't wear something because it was "trashy" or "immodest" or "indecent" versus, "It doesn't suit your body type...." In the first sense, I usally agreed (even if outwardly I was angry), whereas any mention of my body type HURT (even if outwardly I appeared as calm as a cucumber). Let HER decide what her body type is when she's older and fully developed, without ANY imput from you or other family members. (Unless she asks...)

 

Just my .02 worth