Making Excuses to Miss School / Natural Consequences

[TheAttachedMama]

I am having one of those mornings as a parent.

 

I have one particular child who tends to always drag his feet when it comes to school, chores, or anything he doesn't want to do.   That is just his personality.    If I were to let him, he would take hours to finish a 15 minute assignment by allowing himself to get distracted, pet the cat, play with his brother, sharpen his pencil repeatedly, etc.   He also looks for excuses to get out of doing things that he doesn't like to do.   The types of excuses I hear are:   1)  He can't do his chores because some random part of his body is suddenly really badly hurt.  2)  He can't take a shower in the morning because he didn't sleep well and is too tired.  3)  He spends 60 minutes JUST brushing his teeth and getting dressed in the morning so he can delay starting school work.  4)  He can't do school because he is too sick. 

 

So---as you can probably imagine---I have to put a ton of time and energy into trying to teach him a better work ethic.   So far the most effective thing for me is to give him a natural consequence when he acts this way.   FIRST--I make sure and give him ample time to get his stuff done.  (I build in lots of padding into my time allowances.)  I also try to make sure what I am asking of him is reasonable.   And, I try to lovingly remind him and help him stay on task while he is working.   HOWEVER, if he chooses to dawdle despite lots of reminders and help from me---- I finally just sort of throw my hands up in the air and let him learn through some natural consequences.  (OR--at the very least some logical consequences.)   These seem to be effedtive.   For example, if he wants to take forever on his school work-----fine.   However, at the end of the day, everyone else gets to go outside and play, but he doesn't get to join us until his school work is finished.  

 

Anyway, he makes so many excuses, that we often fall into "The Boy Who Cried Wolf" scenario.   He makes excuses so often--that Its hard for me to know when he really is too sick, or too tired, or too 'whatever' to do school or chores.    I have trouble making a judgement call when I push forward and when I should call it quits.  

 

We are having such a morning today.   He woke up complaining of a sore throat and a runny nose.    He says he feels too bad to do school.   (Of course)   He isn't running a fever or anything...but I can hear him sniffling.   I also have a slight sore throat and runny nose--so he probably really does have something.  But I don't feel terrible or anything.  I am certainly not too sick to take care of the kids or teach school, etc.   But I can't really know how he feels.

 

Last year, we missed SO much school due to sickness.   In particular, him being too sick to do school.   I averaged things out, and we missed almost 1.5-2 weeks every month for unscheduled sick days.    That meant that we could never really take fun, restful breaks because we had used up all of slack time for sickness.   Sometimes he really was sick.   So I don't want it to sound like he was making excuses the whole time.  However,   Other times, I think he felt slightly bad----but could have done school if he had wanted to.  

 

So this year I told my husband that I was determined to be a little bit more strict about when he was sick enough to do school.    I don't want to have him take off school every time he has a little sniffle....you know?   But my son doesn't seem to understand that sometimes you can still function in life even if you aren't 100%.    Today he is SWEARING up and down that he is too sick to do school.   However, I think he wants to lay on the couch all day and play with his action figures.  

 

What would you do if you were me?   Would you take today off?  Would you try to get him to push through?   He is acting like I am a terrible tyrant that I would even suggest he still do school with a runny nose.  So I am going to feel really guilty if he winds up really being too sick but I made him do school.   (That has happened before.) 

 

I almost feel like the only TRUE way to know if he is really too sick is to give him some type of natural consequence.   Example:   You can take today off.  However, you  have to make up the school work later when everyone else is having their "fun" break.

 

HOWEVER---the problem is that his course work is very teacher intensive.   So every time I give him a consequence like this, I end up paying a price too!   Or the whole family suffers the consequence.   Example:   We have fun family plans scheduled on the weekend.   Do I cancel those so that he can make up the day?   That doesn't seem fair to everyone else.

 

We have fun field trips scheduled with our homeschooling group on Friday.   I wanted to take off school do go do that fun stuff.   Do I make the whole family stay home so he can take today off instead?  It is a hard balance.

 

Anyway, what is your advice for me??? 

[kiana]

Ugh. I did the same sort of thing. My mother finally made a rule that if I was too sick to do school, I clearly needed to "rest and recover". No reading. No toys. Lying in bed in a darkened room. Chicken broth and dry toast for every meal. 

 

It had the benefit that if I was actually sick it would probably help me recover. 

[Aiden]

If you were working outside of the home and sending him out to school, would you take today off work and stay home to care for him? Or is he well enough that you'd send him to school?

 

If there's no fever, and it's just minor sniffles, I wouldn't take off work for that (back when I was working), whether it was me or my child who was sick. So if that's the case, I'd make him do school. You obviously don't want him learning that any little "I don't feel so great" is excuse for not doing his work--that attitude will get him fired as an adult and make him unsuccessful as an entrepreneur if he chooses not to have a boss.

 

Since this idea of working while not feeling great is new to him, you could lessen the workload a little today, to ease him into the idea that you still have to work if you have the sniffles, or sometimes even if you have a full blown cold. But I'd make him do school and work him up to doing full workloads during minor colds, as training for when he grows up.

 

However, I'd also keep in mind that if I had sent him out to school, the teachers would become aware if he got worse, and they'd send him to the nurse. So I'd keep an eye on him and re-evaluate if I objectively noticed him getting sicker.

 

And I love Kiana's idea above--rest in a quiet, dark room with no real stimulation is a natural consequence of being sick, not a punishment. But it's also not something a child will sign up for unless he's truly sick.

[City Mouse]

Maybe set up official guidelinesas to what is considered to sick to work. 2 weeks of sick days per month sounds very excessive unless the kid is dealing with chronic illness. Treat it like a job. Give him a set number of sick days per month or year and let him choose how to use them. If he only gets two days per month without a doctor visit, then he will have to pick and choose.

 

Or have guidelines such as a fever above 100 degrees counts as sick enough to skip work. if he is too sick to work, then he is too sick to play with toys on the couch. He would need to stay in bed resting all day maybe allowing him to read if he isn't sleeping, and no interaction with siblings. If he is too sick to work, you wouldn't want the other kids to catch anything.

 

Yes, for the consequences of having him make up work while the others are playing. Do cancel the fun events to get his work completed. I'm not one who believes in punishing all for the behavior of one, but could the others do something fun without you and him?

I had a kid like that who attended public school. I eventually got to where I sent him to school no matter what and let the nurse decide if he was too sick to be at school. Now he is at home and has to work each school day no matter what. If I have to work, so does he. If he doesn't get his work done by Friday, we spend Saturday and Sunday finishing up. It isn't much fun for me, but I don't see another option. It does sometimes help when he has specific plans for Saturday that are of his choosing.

[MomatHWTK]

Age of the child?  Sounds like you've gotten into a bad habit of allowing too sick to work as an excuse.  He will keep using the options you've given him until the rules change.  I too have the too sick to study, too sick to play rule.  However, if I know we are all sick and are taking the day off I don't apply this rule.  No one has abuse "sick days" here though.  Usually I pull that rule out when we are in the middle of work and someone decides their throat hurts or the are "tired."  Sometimes they actually opt to go take a nap, so I guess it is good that I offer that option rather than just making them keep working.  :)

 

We have 180 days of school to do- better to do them when we don't feel well than give up a fun day for illness. 

 

 

[alisoncooks]

Ugh. I did the same sort of thing. My mother finally made a rule that if I was too sick to do school, I clearly needed to "rest and recover". No reading. No toys. Lying in bed in a darkened room. Chicken broth and dry toast for every meal. 

 

It had the benefit that if I was actually sick it would probably help me recover. 

 

I like this.

 

Also, is there any schoolwork he can do while lying in bed or on the couch?  

[rutheart]

Has the kid been tested for environmental allergies? If he has a runny nose that often, I'd try to treat the source, rather than just deal with the fallout. Once my youngest was diagnosed with allergies to dust mites and cats, we were able to make changes in our house that significantly cut down how much her nose runs.

Ruth

[73349]

I am having one of those mornings as a parent.

 

I have one particular child who tends to always drag his feet when it comes to school, chores, or anything he doesn't want to do.   That is just his personality.    If I were to let him, he would take hours to finish a 15 minute assignment by allowing himself to get distracted, pet the cat, play with his brother, sharpen his pencil repeatedly, etc.   He also looks for excuses to get out of doing things that he doesn't like to do.   The types of excuses I hear are:  

 

1)  He can't do his chores because some random part of his body is suddenly really badly hurt. 

Try, No problem, you can do it later while the other kids play. OR No problem, I'll pay [sibling] your allowance for doing it for you.

 

2)  He can't take a shower in the morning because he didn't sleep well and is too tired. 

He can be reminded that showers help people wake up, or, if that's not true for him, he can take his shower right after dinner, while other kids are playing.

 

3)  He spends 60 minutes JUST brushing his teeth and getting dressed in the morning so he can delay starting school work. 

Stand there with him, and/or set a timer and a consequence for taking more than ten minutes. For example, I might cut play time or screen time later in the day 15 minutes for every five minutes he went over.

 

4)  He can't do school because he is too sick. 

He can go to bed, and make up the school work while the other kids are playing, or he can take a dose of medicine and work anyway. (That will get boring in two days or less, I suspect.) I'd also advise him that he cannot be promoted to the next grade until he has completed this grade.

 

He sounds like he is going to take advantage as long as it's working for him.

 

[MomatHWTK]

Just want to add, if "normal" parental responses don't work, consider anxiety or some other underlying mental or physical issue.  I do have rules that I enforce, but also deal with kids with anxiety and one on the spectrum- so allowances have to be made. 

[EmilyGF]

I did this a bit. Finally, the rules were not as strict as above, but included no playing, stay lying down all day, and no TV or movies. Make school more fun than being sick.

 

Emily

[TheAttachedMama]

If you were working outside of the home and sending him out to school, would you take today off work and stay home to care for him? Or is he well enough that you'd send him to school?

 

No, I would not miss work.   If he was public schooled, I would for sure send him to school today and let the nurse monitor him.

 

Age of the child?  Sounds like you've gotten into a bad habit of allowing too sick to work as an excuse.  He will keep using the options you've given him until the rules change.  I too have the too sick to study, too sick to play rule.  However, if I know we are all sick and are taking the day off I don't apply this rule.  No one has abuse "sick days" here though.  Usually I pull that rule out when we are in the middle of work and someone decides their throat hurts or the are "tired."  Sometimes they actually opt to go take a nap, so I guess it is good that I offer that option rather than just making them keep working.  :)

 

We have 180 days of school to do- better to do them when we don't feel well than give up a fun day for illness. 

He is 8 (will turn 9) in late November.

 

And yes, this is really MY fault as a mother!   I take full responsibility.   The hard part is figuring out how to  break the bad habits we have fallen into.   I tend to be a softy as a mother where this is concerned. For one thing, I like to give him the benefit of the doubt.    If he tells me something is wrong, I want him to know that I will listen to him and believe him.  (Not automatically accuse him of lying.)  IN FACT---   I don't like accusing him of lying unless I have proof.  And sickness / injury is a hard thing to prove.   Sometimes you can be sick and not run a fever--you know?  So that is why I feel like my only true solution is giving him a natural consequence----Not a punishment for being sick.   But a "hey---you can take today off, but you aren't getting out of work" type consequence.  

 

 

Has the kid been tested for environmental allergies? If he has a runny nose that often, I'd try to treat the source, rather than just deal with the fallout. Once my youngest was diagnosed with allergies to dust mites and cats, we were able to make changes in our house that significantly cut down how much her nose runs.

Ruth

It isn't always a runny nose.  He does tend to get sick more often than my other kids.   My daughter didn't go to the doctor at all last year except for a well visit.   My son went all the time.  

 

I think he really does get sick more often than my other kids because he is a REALLY, REALLY picky eater.   (That is another bad habit he has fallen into.)    I  have sort of become hard-core when it comes to getting nutrition into his body.   I serve up a healthy meal and he has a choice to eat it or not.   (But he isn't getting anything else.)   And he will often choose to go hungry rather than eat some vegetables!    He only likes a few vegetables:  raw celery and spinach salad.   (He likes things most kids won't eat!  But refuses things most kids like such as peas and carrots.)

I have started making a green smoothie with lots of fruits and veggies every morning in an attempt to keep everyone healthy.  I hope that works.  :)

[HomeAgain]

 

 

 

  I tend to be a softy as a mother where this is concerned. For one thing, I like to give him the benefit of the doubt.    If he tells me something is wrong, I want him to know that I will listen to him and believe him.  (Not automatically accuse him of lying.)  IN FACT---   I don't like accusing him of lying unless I have proof.  And sickness / injury is a hard thing to prove.   Sometimes you can be sick and not run a fever--you know?  So that is why I feel like my only true solution is giving him a natural consequence----Not a punishment for being sick.   But a "hey---you can take today off, but you aren't getting out of work" type consequence. 

 

Sounds like a couple of things would benefit you, then.

 

My kids are like anyone else in the world - they don't see patterns unless they're staring them in the face.  When push comes to shove, I write things down.  Keep a small notebook of his various physical ailments:

8/24 - leg hurt really badly at 6:14pm.  Was fine by 6:20pm.

8/26 - too sick to do school work.

 

And sit down, have a conference.  "Kiddo, I've been keeping track for a month, and you seem to be really sick on these days and hurt at this time in the evening.  This tells me a few things.  1, you're not feeling well.  We're going to take this book to the doctor and get a full work up done.  2. The times/days are very consistent, and I'll have you sit down with dad to discuss this further, to see why you're always hurt at chore time and too sick on school days."

 

Then tomato stake him for another month.  He works next to you.  He does chores next to you.  He is instantly put back on task by you.

 

 

It's not about lying, it's about being savvy enough so your kid doesn't dare think about lying or exaggerating the truth.

 

 

[Arcadia]

My kids and I have seasonal allergies. My boys have their breakfast, go back to bed if they feel yucky, get up again around noon and do their work.

They feel better after lunch so I rather start late. If we have afternoon activities, we just do two hours of school work before bedtime.

I find my kids can put in two hours worth of work even when having stuffy noses. Then they rather read a book than play. If they are well enough to play, they are well enough for a full load.

 

ETA:

My picky DS10 gets sick rarely while my will eat anything DS9 gets sick. DS10 has a texture and taste issue with food. He cooks his own meals so not a biggie for me.

[regentrude]

Too sick to do school = too sick to do anything but lie in bed in a darkened room. No TV, no computer, no friends over, bland diet+tea.

[KrissiK]

Well, my kids are a bunch of whiners, so I don't listen to them when they say they are sick. A sick child is obvious by their countenance and actions. You can see it in their eyes, their face, appetite. I know when my kids are sick, and it has nothing to do with fever or what they say. My oldest dd is always saying, "blah, blah, blah, I don't feel good." And then the next minute she's giggling and playing with her sisters.

 

Regarding dawdling... Set a timer. If he takes too long then take away privileges.

[regentrude]

 

I think he really does get sick more often than my other kids because he is a REALLY, REALLY picky eater.   (That is another bad habit he has fallen into.)    I  have sort of become hard-core when it comes to getting nutrition into his body.   I serve up a healthy meal and he has a choice to eat it or not.   (But he isn't getting anything else.)   And he will often choose to go hungry rather than eat some vegetables!    He only likes a few vegetables:  raw celery and spinach salad.   (He likes things most kids won't eat!  But refuses things most kids like such as peas and carrots.)

I have started making a green smoothie with lots of fruits and veggies every morning in an attempt to keep everyone healthy.  I hope that works.  :)

 

I don't think the bolded is the reason. I have an extremely picky eater who has, in 16 years, consumed no veggies besides one baby tomato and a slice of cucumber and is extremely healthy.

My son would choose starvation over eating a carrot.

 

[lots of little ducklings]

My mother was hard as nails on this issue -- unless you were running a fever or vomiting, you went to school.   :D  We weren't homeschooled, but I think it taught me an excellent work ethic (which has served me especially well, because I have chronic allergies and sinus conditions that could easily keep me down 50% of the time if I let them.)  

 

So absolutely, if you are concerned that allergies or other conditions are culprits, see the appropriate specialists.   But at the same time, don't feel guilty about having him work through his sniffles, even when you think they may be "genuine" sniffles.  Modeling a healthy work ethic and instilling a healthy work ethic are a wonderful life-long gift to him.   (I realize this even more now that I've seen college students get completely derailed for lack of it.)  

 

My gut tells me that he may not be responding well to longer-term consequences, possibly because of his young age.  And by longer-term, I mean just a few hours.  My own 8 year-old is still sort of like a puppy... all of life is in the present, and something at the end of the day, like working when everyone plays, is...well, meaningless to him in that moment.  He responds much better to immediate consequences or rewards.  And he also responds beautifully to routine and hard-and-fast expectations.  It may take a week or two for your son to start breaking his habits, but honestly I'd just recommend two rules: 1) we do school, no matter what -- it's completely non-negotiable; and 2) there is no complaining or arguing in response to Mom -- the only correct answer is "Yes, Ma'am."   (Can you tell my dh is southern?   :D   But it's worked wonders with my crew -- not that they never complain or argue, but that they know I have the final say in matters.)  

 

I know that's easier said than done, though.  Take comfort in knowing that firm is not the opposite of gentle and loving.  You can be both.  

 

HTH!

 

 

[Chelli]

I have two kids that are like this. One of them does it to get out of school; one to get out of chores. I nipped it in the bud early on though because I knew this was their personality. 

 

1. I used the same rules for my kids to take off from school that my mom used with me. You have to either be throwing up or running a fever to get out of school. If she is having allergies, I give her a Benadryl and we press on. Have a headache? Here's an Advil. Now get busy.

 

2. If number 1 doesn't work, then I inform the child that if they are too sick for school, then they are too sick to watch TV, read books, play on their tablet, etc. They just need to lay in bed and sleep. Also, it's recommended to not let your sick child be around anyone else until 24 hours of being symptom free so for the next 24 hours, no friends or out of the house activities. Usually this is enough for "miraculous" healing around my house!

 

Since I've been this strict about things from the beginning, they don't try to pull this stuff with me anymore. Instead we've traded it for drama and complaining. Some days I think fake illness would be better.  :001_rolleyes:

[Jean in Newcastle]

Giving any of my kids a Benedryl for allergies would insure that they were zombies for hours.  We tried Claritin, Zyrtec and Allegra until we found the best OTC med for allergies that is non-drowsy.  Ds and dd do best with Allegra.  I do best with Claritin.  (Different people react differently to these meds).  

 

Try making school and work more fun.  Or at least giving positive consequences for getting it done.  We do housework round-robins where we take turns choosing music (played loudly so that all can hear it while we work) and are all working hard for 20 minutes.  We have games like the "elf game" where I fold clothes and the kids try to whisk away the clothes without me catching them (which of course I ham up) and then they put them away.  Dd earns a trip to the frozen yogurt place for every additional 10% mastery in Khan academy math.  I will plan a hike or outing for after school so they know that they have something to look forward to.  Of course there are times when school and work are just in get-it-done mode but I try not to have that be all the time.  

[TheAttachedMama]

OH MY GOODNESS---I am the Queen of making chores and school as fun as humanly possible.   We all pretend we are running a hotel and preparing for the president.   We have competitions to see who can sweep up the most dirt into their dustpan.   We have relays with wipes on the counters, etc. etc.  And school----don't even get me started!   

 

Honestly, this child has been homeschooled his entire life---so I don't think he knows how good he has it.  That is the problem!  

Do you know that program for troubled teens called "Scared Straight" where they send them a prison to see what a life of crime can bring them?   I think they need a program like this for "troubled" homeschooled kids who complain about school work!!  I wish he could go to public school one day just to experience what things are like for other kids his age:  longer days, much more writing expected, waiting for everyone else to finish, competing for attention and help from the teacher with 30 other kids, etc. etc.   This way he would realize that things are really not that bad here at home!  ;)    (This was all said tongue in cheek if you couldn't tell!) 

 

Also as an update....

I sent my son up to his bed to "rest".   I fluffed his pillow, kissed his forehead, and gave him a bell even.   (But no toys!)  I told him I was worried about how sick he was getting and decided that he needed to just sleep and rest .....And now he is suddenly feeling " a lot better" and asked if he could do school with us.  :) :)

 

 

[Chelli]

 

Also as an update....

I sent my son up to his bed to "rest".   I fluffed his pillow, kissed his forehead, and gave him a bell even.   (But no toys!)  I told him I was worried about how sick he was getting and decided that he needed to just sleep and rest .....And now he is suddenly feeling " a lot better" and asked if he could do school with us.  :) :)

 

:hurray:  Looks like miracles happen at your house too! Stick to your guns, Mama!

[Ellie]

Ugh. I did the same sort of thing. My mother finally made a rule that if I was too sick to do school, I clearly needed to "rest and recover". No reading. No toys. Lying in bed in a darkened room. Chicken broth and dry toast for every meal. 

 

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

[Guest]

OH MY GOODNESS---I am the Queen of making chores and school as fun as humanly possible.   We all pretend we are running a hotel and preparing for the president.   We have competitions to see how can sweep up the most dirt into their dustpan.   We have relays with wipping counters, etc. etc.  And school----don't even get me started!   

 

 

I would stop doing that. He thinks he only has to do fun things, and he's old enough to know that is definitely NOT the case.

 

Fun is for when there's no work to be done.

 

[mamiof5]

Hard core here. As mentioned above, no playing at all. I do have vitamin C, so when kids complain of sore throat, ickyness I give them a vitamin and extra fluids. If runny nose, itchy throat continues though maybe definitely worth it to check for allergies. Food? I have no tolerance for picky eaters! I don't cater, since I am not running a restaurant. If you don't want your meal right now then you can have it for your next meal. Yes, might sound harsh, but I want my kids to be grateful for what they have. With so many people starving in the world, or struggling to find your next meal, how can you complain for having food on your plate? Also, I try not to allow wasting food, and if I make you a meal and you don't eat it it's a waste. Not OK with that. And dwaddling? One of my dd is good at it, will purposely take tiny turtle steps to go do something I asked and she doesn't want to do. Now I treat it as misbehavior and disobedience, I expect things done right away and in a timely manner. She got 5 mins of cleaning, and 2 more for talking back (she's 9).

Now, I might sound like a drill sergeant... believe me, I am not like that. Kids are involved in fun activities, I cook for them and work hard for them. I expect obedience, helping around the house and with the baby, and gratitude for what I do for them (going to the grocery store, spending money in food, cooking). I also want them to be thankful for the blessings God gives us. Therefore, when it comes to behavior I do have certain expectations :)

[KrissiK]

OH MY GOODNESS---I am the Queen of making chores and school as fun as humanly possible. We all pretend we are running a hotel and preparing for the president. We have competitions to see who can sweep up the most dirt into their dustpan. We have relays with wipes on the counters, etc. etc. And school----don't even get me:)

Ok, you need to stop all that. I'm sorry, but.... you're killing yourself for an ungrateful child. I'm not telling you to make life miserable for your child, but it sounds to me like he's playing you like a fiddle. Chores are chores. No, you don't have to get out the whip and make him scrub the grout with a toothbrush, but enough of the games. Our job as parents is not to make everything fun, but to teach our children to do a job and do it well. Sure, we should try to maintain a pleasant work environment, but...

[Farrar]

Maybe my kids are just different, but if one of mine were complaining about being sick that often, I would be really concerned about getting to the root of things physically speaking. Some kids genuinely are sick a lot at that age - I am thinking of a family we know who have kids with asthma, allergy, and diet issues who are sick a good bit. But if there's no known cause, that would make me uncomfortable as a parent.

 

I don't ascribe to the idea that sick = can't do *anything* or the sickness is a lie. When I'm under the weather, I can read, but I usually don't have it in me to focus on something really deep or difficult. I can get it together to make dinner, but it won't be gourmet. When the kids are a little sick, we do a little less and I typically give them the easy work to do - here, do a math drill you need to do, not, let's introduce this hard new concept.

 

One of mine had a sick semester last year for the first time ever. It was really scary for me. But one of the reasons was that it was such a quiet sickliness. He would seem fine but tire out so easily. He'd be okay one day and not the next. It wasn't lies or manipulation. Eventually, he rested enough that he healed and has been better and not having the same issues. They tested him for a million things and nothing was right. It was probably just some weird childhood virus or something that he finally beat.

 

I guess I'm just saying that if it works to push him on it a little, then okay, I'm glad you've found a solution. But I wouldn't rule out that he really does have something physical going on.

[73349]

Have you read him Tom Sawyer, by any chance? Or Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle's Magic? If not, I think he'd enjoy them. :)

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think this is the sort of thing where mother's intuition needs to play a strong role.  Which I think it does, from your posts, OP.  

[TheAttachedMama]

Not to take my own thread off topic----but I would love some tips on getting to the root of why my kids are sick so often compared to most kids.  (At least I feel like they are sick.)   We take them to a lot of germ ridden science museums with indoor play areas.   So that could be it.  But I worry that there is something else.   My husband and I are hardly ever sick.   

 

I don't think it is allergies because they often get sick with things that aren't typically associated with allergies.  Like strep throat, vomiting, fever, etc.   (ETA---he didn't have those things today.  But he did have them a lot in the past.)

 

...and my youngest son (my baby) got REALLY sick last year.   It was a horrible experience.  We almost lost him due to strep pnemonia, sepsis, and kidney failure.   I don't think that could be caused by allergies....right?

 

Not to take this thread off topic, but what are some things I can start checking? 

[Jean in Newcastle]

Do they take any vitamins?  Esp. Vitamin D and C?  Do they wash their hands?  

[Guest]

Do they take any vitamins?  Esp. Vitamin D and C?  Do they wash their hands?  

 

And vitamin K and have healthy guts?

[kathy_overman]

I could have written your post about my 13 year old.  He always has aches and pains and many other excuses for everything.  I too am 'too' soft on my kids.  I am a recovering softie - LOL.

 

I realized that my DS's first reaction is almost always to offer some sort of resistance.  This is his response to everything - well, everything except playing video games.  Why, because it has worked for him too much of the time!  This is my fault.

 

I am working hard to think before I make a demand of him - I must be willing to reinforce what ever I am asking him to do.  I am learning how to make my 'no' mean 'no' as much as possible.  I am working on changing me, and in the short time I have changed, he too has responded well.  Oh, he is testing my limits and requirements non-stop, but I see how much better he is when I require more of him.  

 

Hope it helps you are not alone in the "softie" club.  I am learning a new way to parent, and it is working for me and for him.  

[HomeAgain]

IME, most kids go to daycare and/or preschool.  They spend several weeks being sick, bouncing the same diseases in different mutations around the building.  I think it's different for kids that stay home.  Their experiences with viruses tend to be more spread out.

[73349]

  indoor play areas

 

DS doesn't get sick often, but we quit allowing him to use the play areas at the malls (and we already didn't go to ones in restaurants) after it became obvious that he was picking up germs there.

 

Are they eating the same diet as you and DH, or do they avoid the fruits and veggies?

 

[go_go_gadget]

I'm sensitive to lots of foods including gluten, and when I cut them out of my diet, I wasn't sick nearly as often. If the immune system is constantly taxed by the diet, then perhaps it has bandwidth to deal with germs. It might be worth trying an elimination diet or auto-immune protocol.

[TheAttachedMama]

Do they take any vitamins?  Esp. Vitamin D and C?  Do they wash their hands?  

 

They take a multi-vitamin and C.   And the question of hand washing is sort of relative.   They wash hands after the bathroom but they might not do the best job in the world.

[HS Mom in NC]

Family time should not be tied to schoolwork. It’s family time. Everyone needs family time whether or not they get their schoolwork done. Everyone needs family time if they’re lovely people or kind of obnoxious. Family time is family time and not conditional.

 

If teacher intensive materials are problematic in your situation, then use less teacher intensive materials. There are plenty out there. We should all avoid being so rigid in our approach, preference to materials, curriculum and/or educational philosophy that we’re willing to sacrifice our reality for the sake of our ideals. Most of us have ideals, but few of us live up to them completely. Have ideals and work on them but also have a second choice, third choice, etc. I think it’s an American cultural trait (the only culture I know about experientially) to think not meeting the ideal is the same as failure or ruin. That’s all or nothing thinking and we need to purge ourselves of it so we can see runner up options as perfectly acceptable and good when our circumstances lend themselves to stepping away from the ideal.

 

If you’ve had medical issues on going then you may need to see a specialist who can evaluate with more expertise and precision what’s going on. Way too many people keep seeing a regular pediatrician or GP when it’s time to see a specialist. BTDT. I have a kid who had to see an immunologist because she kept feeling down and getting chest infections. It’s all better now. Some peds and GPs have a hard time admitting they just aren’t qualified to handle some things.

 

You may need to ask the doctor which specific symptoms s/he thinks would excuse a child from schoolwork for the day if you’re uncomfortable coming up with criteria on your own. Also, plenty of adults and students do our daily work, paid or not, feeling under the weather. Keep that in mind. Review and reading very high quality children’s literature are good options. (High quality doesn’t always mean hard and challenging. It means the good stuff.) When I had Valley Fever as a kid (people in AZ get it) I spent a week reading the Wizard of Oz series when I was not in the worst of it, but was still really run down near the middle and end of it. There are lots of great recorded books. Find something of high quality that would resonate with him and when he’s feeling just well enough to do some school work have him do short writing assignment about it or discuss it with him or some other related activity to what he read or listened to. High quality educational videos may be an option too.

 

 

Give medication for symptoms and get back to it if he seems just under the weather. Note that some people like me and one of my kids cannot function on Benadryl. We’re pretty zombified mentally and physically on it, so keep plenty of daytime and nondrowsy options on hand.

 

I’m absolutely against mom trying to make everything fun and exciting. What percentage of real life is actually fun and exciting? Not much. Most is neutral and routine and there’s nothing wrong with that. Kids don’t need that reality altered for them. Quiet routine is good for the soul. So is doing a job well for the pleasure of knowing it was a job well done. Their college professors, instructors, the lady at the DMV, their pastors, spouses, kids, bosses, neighbors, clients, and such are NOT going to make everything fun and games. That’s for Disneyland to do. Your home is not Disneyland-Disneyland is living in a fantasy. Your children live in reality.

 

When I introduced to my young children the idea of a game to clean up the playroom, it was to introduce it in an interesting way to people with really short attention spans. I also used it when friends came over who weren’t used to doing chores or picking up after themselves. They were preschoolers. It was a huge job. After using games several times to do this new, big job, I stopped using the game. I didn’t want them to stay at a preschool mindset. It was time to move on to, “You know how to break that big job down into smaller tasks. Go do it.†Sometimes, for a while, they did the games themselves to get themselves started in those early years but they quickly matured into kids who just went and mentally broke the job down into smaller tasks and picked up and put away all the crap on the playroom floor.

[Farrar]

For the sickness... I'd get them allergy tested if you haven't yet. The baby, that just sounds terrible and probably unrelated to anything else. But for run of the mill illnesses, if you have allergies, you can just be worn down enough that you're susceptible to more stuff - that's true for environmental and food allergies that are lower level. So you've got hay fever that's low key, but it means you end up getting every single cold that comes around because your system is so busy fighting. You could also play around with food elimination stuff. And if you have a good pediatrician, I would just say, hey, I feel like my kids are sick more than other kids. What should I change to see if we can get better.

 

I will say... it does get better around this older age... but you have younger ones too, so it may not be a full reprieve.

 

Good luck. I agree with what Jean said about listening to your intuition.

[Tess in the Burbs]

I have the unmotivated kid in regards to school and life.  A chore that takes 5 min for normal society can take him hours.  He's very distracted.  He doesn't want to do school, therefore lots of things can be an issue/problem to complete the task.  

 

*We have had major family talks about education in our life and the legal expectations of a child his age.  This takes the blame off me as mom.  He can go to school and will still have to do school.  Stop whining to ME, it's going to happen no matter what.  

 

*We have had work days.  I don't want to argue all the time about doing school.  See #1.  If he chooses, a physical, outdoor work activity is arranged.  He must work at that job from breakfast to dinner.  He gets lunch and a short break.  Otherwise, he is to be working and must complete the physical task given.  (leaf raking, painting fence, moving brick piles from one side of yard to the other....and back again, etc)  My boy raked leaves for 3 days in freezing weather before he was so tired and hands calloused that math suddenly looked more appealing.  If he were older and someone would take him, I would make him do 30 days on some work crew with no option to quit the 30 days.  I suspect that would cure this inability to do school. 

 

*We have allowed him to do nothing.  If he isn't in school or doing hard physical labor, then he can sit and do NOTHING.  Reality is at his age he would be in school.  If older he would be at a job.  So he doesn't get the option to do anything else b/c if he doesn't do school and a job he will have nothing in this life.  :-)

 

I have no great answers.  We revisit his lack of motivation almost daily.  It's hard to encourage someone who doesn't care about anything you need them to do.  I know that when he figures out his future it will be with gusto!!  

 

As for your situation, I personally wouldn't let a kid out of school unless seriously sick.  In my house that means you had surgery(dd had tonsils out last year and had 2 week recovery), or have fever over 100.  With fever you are quarantined to your bedroom to sleep or read.  No play.  If you can play, you can do some school.  I really think you need to explain that you only get so many sick days a year and then you have to repeat that grade. ;-)  Unmotivated kids really don't want to repeat the things they don't already want to do! 

 

good luck.  You will grow an amount of patience and love for your child through this.  I have learned how to extend grace and mercy when it's not deserved.  We all need to be loved.  This kid challenges me, but I also see sparks of this really neat person who will figure it out one day.  In the meantime I just try not to get taken advantage of.  Be firm.  good luck

 

[dragonflyer]

I would also add, don't underestimate the power of routines.  Does he get up at the same time every day?  Does he do the same things every morning?  How does he know it is time to do his chores?

I am working our morning routine right now, and to help with dawdling I have set a timer on my phone.  If the whole routine (including chores) is done when my timer goes off, my kid gets paid.  If he is not done in my time frame, I make the time to stand over him until the job is complete, and he gets no money.  I have said that I am not paying him to complete tasks like make his bed and brush his teeth, I am paying him to do it in my time-frame.

I also have an alarm that goes off at the end of the day to trigger pick up time.  Because it is not me doing the demanding, there is less complaining about picking up.

[lots of little ducklings]

For the sickness... I'd get them allergy tested if you haven't yet. The baby, that just sounds terrible and probably unrelated to anything else. But for run of the mill illnesses, if you have allergies, you can just be worn down enough that you're susceptible to more stuff - that's true for environmental and food allergies that are lower level. So you've got hay fever that's low key, but it means you end up getting every single cold that comes around because your system is so busy fighting. You could also play around with food elimination stuff. And if you have a good pediatrician, I would just say, hey, I feel like my kids are sick more than other kids. What should I change to see if we can get better.

 

I will say... it does get better around this older age... but you have younger ones too, so it may not be a full reprieve.

 

Good luck. I agree with what Jean said about listening to your intuition.

 

Yes, ditto to the bolded above.  The last several years we've have chronic illness in our home (dh started calling it the plague ship). When we discovered I have dust mite allergies, ripping out carpets and replacing old mattresses not only dramatically improved my allergic reactions -- and the kids' reactions too -- but it also significantly reduced all of our collective illnesses.  We had an *almost* sick-free winter this past year.  :hurray:

[calihil]

My daughter is only 6.5 so we are just starting 1st grade, but I tell ya, she drags her feet EVERY day. Or at least tries to, and has since we started homeschooling last year. "Come on, time to do school." "NO!!!!" and she runs away. But I just don't give her an option. "No," is not an option. Period. I get all the supplies and books set up, and I wait for her to come over. I am very matter of fact but very stern in my voice and body language. I dont yell, I dont argue, I just let her know she won't be able to play with friends or go outside later in the day if ALL her school work isn't done. She's learned that I don't budge on that and so the last couple weeks have been very pleasant.

 

Just remember whatever you decide to do, it will take time for him to adjust to the new routine or consequences/discipline. Kids loooove to push the boundaries, huh? haha

[Sahamamama]

Hard core here. As mentioned above, no playing at all. I do have vitamin C, so when kids complain of sore throat, ickyness I give them a vitamin and extra fluids. If runny nose, itchy throat continues though maybe definitely worth it to check for allergies. Food? I have no tolerance for picky eaters! I don't cater, since I am not running a restaurant. If you don't want your meal right now then you can have it for your next meal. Yes, might sound harsh, but I want my kids to be grateful for what they have. With so many people starving in the world, or struggling to find your next meal, how can you complain for having food on your plate? Also, I try not to allow wasting food, and if I make you a meal and you don't eat it it's a waste. Not OK with that. And dwaddling? One of my dd is good at it, will purposely take tiny turtle steps to go do something I asked and she doesn't want to do. Now I treat it as misbehavior and disobedience, I expect things done right away and in a timely manner. She got 5 mins of cleaning, and 2 more for talking back (she's 9).

Now, I might sound like a drill sergeant... believe me, I am not like that. Kids are involved in fun activities, I cook for them and work hard for them. I expect obedience, helping around the house and with the baby, and gratitude for what I do for them (going to the grocery store, spending money in food, cooking). I also want them to be thankful for the blessings God gives us. Therefore, when it comes to behavior I do have certain expectations :)

 

At last, I meet my long-lost twin!  :seeya: Hi. 

[Hobbes]

Yes, ditto to the bolded above. The last several years we've have chronic illness in our home (dh started calling it the plague ship). When we discovered I have dust mite allergies, ripping out carpets and replacing old mattresses not only dramatically improved my allergic reactions -- and the kids' reactions too -- but it also significantly reduced all of our collective illnesses. We had an *almost* sick-free winter this past year. :hurray:

A third on this one. This may not be your situation, but we have a lot of food and environmental allergies. Overall health in our family depends a lot on how well we are managing the allergies. There's a 'threshold' of what each body can handle, if you will, and allergies raise your body's stress level higher so that little things can push it over the threshold.

 

That said, when our allergies are managed, our kids are very healthy. My friend, whose children have few, if any, allergies (caveat: that they know of), has a sick family almost all of every winter. Who knows.

 

Also, I can link most of our stomach viruses either to museum outings or to family members/friends who are careless about exposing others to their own illnesses.

[mamiof5]

At last, I meet my long-lost twin! :seeya: Hi.

Hi twin!!!! Great to know I am not the only one :) ;)

[rutheart]

Yes, my youngest was frequently at the pediatrician for croup (bad enough to warrant steroids), ear infections (rupturing the eardrum once), ruling out strep throat, etc before her allergies were diagnosed and managed. When illness ran through the house, it always seemed to be the youngest who got sick first, and she seemed to get it the worst. To contrast, my oldest didn't get an ear infection until she was 7 and never needed steroids for croup.

Since she was diagnosed with the allergies, I can't remember the last time she's run a fever. It's that dramatic a difference. When the body is worn down, it's more vulnerable.

Ruth

 

 

[kiwik]

Really nasty tasting medicine.

[Ottakee]

I agree with allergy testing and maybe immune system testing.

 

Is he well enough to do all of the fun stuff or at times is he too tired for that or feels sick then too? If so, mitochondrial comes to mind as that has fatigue and vague come and go symptoms.

[idnib]

My DD does the same thing and after reading this thread, this morning when she came and said her tummy hurt I insisted she lie down in the dark and not do anything because she was "sick" and needed to rest.

 

Lo and behold, she started projectile vomiting shortly after that.  :huh:

 

Beware of the power of this technique, folks.  :laugh:

[ondreeuh]

My oldest two kids are night and day. One will drag her feet and take stretch out her work to fill the whole day, while the other is cracking open his books before I've even had my coffee and is so motivated that I'm in awe.

 

They both have ADD, but the procrastinator is mostly untreated due to side effects. As she grew up, I tried various strategies (timers seemed to work) and attempted to shift the responsibility over to her. She is now in college and is testing out the hypothesis that she will get more work done when she is busy (and doesn't have the luxury of procrastinating). She is taking a full load of classes and working PT, so she is having to schedule in study time between classes and shifts.

 

For my two homeschoolers, we have a rule that electronics can only be used between 3-6. Both boys are motivated to finish their work by 3 to maximize their electronics time (which has its downside, as they get a little too fixated on it). They are often done by 1 or 2, so get to read or play games.

 

So I would suggest adding outside classes or privileges that serve as "deadlines" for completing work. I'm sure you've tried timers, but something like the Time Tracker might be more motivating.

 

As far as food goes, I encourage (sometimes require) my pickier eaters to try the main meal, but I allow them to make an alternate meal, like a sandwich. My kids can't afford to skip meals and their behavior gets worse when they are hungry. My older two have become great eaters and my youngest is on his way. I think the regular exposure to new foods without a lot of pressure has probably helped.