Weighing Cost of Living vs Living Near Family

[JumpyTheFrog]

DH and I are considering moving back to our home state to be near our families. We had hoped they might want to move down near us but that looks unlikely to ever happen. Main factors:

 

Homeschooling:

We live in a very homeschooling friendly state and our county has thousands of families homeschooling. It is seen as relatively normal, plus schools here are year round, so the public is used to seeing tracked out kids out and about, so we never get the stink-eye.

 

In our home state, homeschooling is much less common and probably seen as weird. Homeschooling activities don't appear to be very common. It is also a high regulation state.

 

House Prices:

Similar houses appear to be at least 50% more in cost. Also, property and school taxes would be about 4x.

 

Other COL:

Electricity could be double, income taxes would be the same or higher, car insurance would be about 50% more. Water might be cheaper, but that's probably it. Food prices are similar. The overall COL with housing and the rest appears to be $10-15,000 per year more.

 

Weather:

It's better here for most of the year.

 

Long Term Economy:

Home state is a state people have been leaving for a long time because of the poor job opportunities, high taxes, and weather. Current state has a much better job situation and growing population. DH works from home, but if he ever needed a local job, here is a much better place. If we move back, it is more likely that our kids will grow up and move elsewhere to get decent work, if we stay here, they have better chances of getting a job locally, or at least in state.

 

College Costs:

Community college is 3x the cost there and 4 year state schools are maybe 25% more.

 

Competitive Gymnastics:

The boys are at a good gym and we live 12 minutes away. There appears to be one gym with a boys team near the area we'd consider. I might be able stop by to see it this summer. Gymnastics is the best thing for Tigger, so finding a coach that is patient with him is a high priority.

 

How have others decided where to live when their parents live in stagnant or slowly declining areas?

[StephanieZ]

I think if you've made it this long away from your folks, and it sounds like where you are is better on all other fronts, then I'd probably stay put. I'd keep encouraging your folks to relocate near you, and I'd pretty much plan to move them to me when they need supervision/help. Start keeping your eyes open for assisted living communities where you are and/or plan ahead for adding an in-law suite to your place, etc. We moved my mom to us when she needed help (and added on a wing for her), and that worked fine in our case. I'd have loved to have been able to keep her in her home community, but the fact is, when you are really in need of help, you need your family much more than friends . . . and we could not live where she was (for numerous reasons). When our kids were tiny, we lived near her for 4 years, and it was really awesome. If we could have tolerated that area long term, we would have settled there, but it was not the right home for us, so we moved a few hours away. I would have loved to have had all our family in one area . . . it is so sad that it is not that way anymore . . . but it is what it is. 

[Annie G]

With your dh working from home, your income would stay the same, right? Sounds like you would need to downsize your standard of living (or reduce savings rate) if you move- most categories looked to be more expensive than where you live now, with a few about the same. 

 

Unless there is another compelling reason to move, such as you need to help with family members, in your shoes I'd vote to stay put. 

[JumpyTheFrog]

Let me add that we live 14 hours away and visit each set of grandparents for a week twice a year. My in-laws have come down twice in 11 years (after the birth of each baby). My mom comes for a week 1-2 times per year. My in-laws would never move because they are content to live their whole lives in a 5 mile radius near family.

 

My parents don't like the weather here and have their own business there. It has lots of equipment so they wouldn't dare move the business and start over. My dad is "retired" but spends his time working on the business. They will both work until they are too sickly to do so because they aren't the type to sit around. I figure they'll keep working for another 10-15 years at least.

[JumpyTheFrog]

We were both quite content to stay here until my grandpa died in April. It's been 20 years since anyone I really knew died so it has us both reevaluating priorities such as where does living near family fall on the list.

[Garga]

I'd normally say to go near family, but in your case I wouldn't. :( I'd stay put if I were you. There are just too many pros where you are and too many cons where they are.

 

I like the idea of pre-researching assisted living homes near you to move your parents into if necessary.

[catz]

Honestly, I would stay put in that situation.  Way too many cons to moving.   I also know people who have moved a long way to be near family and the family wasn't necessarily any closer after the move.  If your inlaws have visited 2X in 11 years, I would not expect them to prioritize you.  Same thing with your dad.  And I'm not ripping on them.  People have their priorities and their ruts and it's hard to change.  It sounds like you are more committed to nurturing that relationship than they are. 

[fraidycat]

It doesn't sound like your moving would be beneficial in any way except being closer to family. I would maybe consider "retiring" there once kids are launched, to help with elderly parents, but not now or any time soon.

 

Are you and your DH only children? Do siblings live closer?

[Tsuga]

That's a very hard choice. Like many others I'd normally say near family is better but it sounds like you kind of "managed to get out" and I wouldn't go back.

[foxbridgeacademy]

I understand the need to move home. We left Indiana in 2006 to move down South where there were jobs in Dh's field. We moved back here in 2013 and although we have loved seeing family we are ready to go again. Dh can make so much more and we won't be miserable for months out of the year.  I love my family but they can be tiring too.  The kids have really gotten to know their cousins and will continue a relationship through skype and online gaming.  Nieces and nephews are old enough/getting old enough to come visit for summers also.  

 

With the additional COL and lack of HSing support group (one thing we didn't realize was soooo important) I would be leery of a long term move.  Could you do long visits?  Or move for a shorter period of time? 

[shawthorne44]

If you were a friend and you asked me this in person I'd probably give you a light tap on the cheek (to indicate slapping you without hurting a bit) and then say "What are you thinking?"  

[lmrich]

If they are happy and healthy, I would stay put. Do you need help with your immediate family that your parents can give?

[bolt.]

I'd stay put. I don't see a reason to move at all listed in your op, much less a reason compelling enough to outweigh all the advantages you listed.

 

As far as parents getting older: you can buy a lot of care, and take a lot of trips, on that kind of money-per-year. Maybe start a save-up fund now, to help with eventual crises?

[JumpyTheFrog]

Are you and your DH only children? Do siblings live closer?

DH has a brother with cognitive disabilities who lives with his parents. My brother and his wife moved away for about a year and now are back to my parent's town. They will probably have kids eventually.

 

I never lived near any family. My grandpa was 2.5 hours away and everyone else on both sides of the family was 3-4 hours away and I rarely saw. Most of DH's family on both sides live in one county, so he had the experience of living near family whereas I never did.

 

When I graduated high school, I moved off to college and only came home for one summer. I've never looked back until now. I just wonder if we might regret lost opportunities when we're older.

 

Now, if the gym near my parents would let my boys practice with their team, it could be possible to spend the summers near my parents. It's a touristy area though, so summer rentals might be very expensive.

[SarahB82]

Could you move closer to home without running into all of the cons? Somewhere with a 3 hour or less drive that has all of the pros with the added pro of being much closer to family?

[Starr]

It sounds like living near your folks now or your dc later. 

[Anne in CA]

I wouldn't move back under the circumstances you described. The area where my family lives has no employment opportunities really and I just didn't see giving up our economic freedom for proximity to my family. We visit a few times a year. I am sometimes sad that my mom gets to go to all my sister's kid's stuff and misses my kids stuff, but even if I lived there who could say that she could come to everything? Like your parents she works. I do feel bad that my sister has to take care of my difficult father all by herself, but not sorry enough to give up our lifestyle, even though it isn't lavish, lol.

[Catwoman]

I hate to say this, but I wouldn't move under those circumstances, either.

 

Being near family can be great, but what if you move and you find you don't see your family as often as you thought you would? What if you move near them and it turns out that they get on your nerves when you see them all the time?

 

It sounds like the only advantage of moving is being close to family, but that almost every other aspect is negative, including the financial considerations. I wouldn't move under those conditions.

 

If you really want to see more of your family, perhaps you can find a way to visit more often. If you think of the extra money it would cost you to relocate, it might be an absolute bargain to add a few more visits each year instead.

[KungFuPanda]

I don't think the math works out at all for you. Less money, less house, fewer opportunities. If you move you might not have the means to help aging parents when they need it later.

[monstermama]

I grew up with extended family, including several relatives who were close in age to me.  We spent a lot of time together every week going to everyone's sports games, dance recitals, and birthday parties.  I (and my older brother) chose to move away for better job opportunities, while everyone else my age and up has chosen to stay in the area.  I do miss them, and I'm sad that my kids won't grow up with that kind of extended support (and very jealous of the free babysitting my SIL gets from the grandparents!).  Every once in a while, DH and I will talk over moving back there (both of our families live in the same area), but we always decide against it.  The reality of the situation is, besides the opportunities for DH's job and for our kids, the family moments I remember most are the "big things", not the everyday ones - Christmases, my family birthday party, the annual family reunion.  Rather than moving back, we've made it a priority to visit for 1 or 2 of those events every year, and Skype/Facetime with them at least once a week.

 

While we live in a higher COL area than our families, wages and job opportunities are much lower there without commuting an hour or more to the nearest city.  There is simply no way DH's siblings, who still live there, will be able to help pay for their parents' eldercare expenses as they're barely managing to make ends meet now.  The younger relatives on my side are slowly moving farther and farther away as they graduate and realize that they're never going to be able to support a family on the jobs available in the area.

[Arcadia]

I won't move given your scenario. For my parents and in-laws, healthcare is better and more accessible where they live so it makes no sense for them to come over except as tourists.

[Chris in VA]

It seems like you are pretty clear on your ideal decision. So, maybe two things--First,

is this more about your husband and his desire to be closer to family? I see you haven't really ever had that experience as an adult, but he has, and so maybe it is harder for you to put a value on living close that is based on your experience. It's kinda an "unknown" isn't it?

 

Second, is it a "should" in your mind? I mean, do you feel you "should" want to live closer, that it is one of those "right things to do?"

 

For me, sometimes I have to look at things I'm trying to work out and see if I'm being influenced by my own assumptions of right and wrong. I mean, things I've sorta taken as the right thing, but haven't really ever applied to my own life. I have heard those called "tapes," things we've been taught either explicitly or just picked up, usually as children, and they become part of our thinking about the way the world is or should be. But, when we step outside of ourselves a bit, and realize we have a choice to believe or act differently, it can be helpful and liberating. And uncomfortable and risky-feeling, LOL!

 

I guess I'm saying that you have a chance here to look at the idea of "living close to relatives is good " as one of those tapes that you may have always heard and assumed you agreed with. Now you can make a deliberate choice if you let go of the idea that the above is truth--see it as an idea that may not be black and white.

 

If you have that tape, and you decide to discard it (which can be really hard, BTW), then you will find yourself stepping into a new place, a place you have chosen and defined as your own, based on your adult decision-making. Even if you decide to "keep" the idea, you will have decided, and that is good, because you will feel you honored yourself and how you really feel, and not just did what someone else (sometime in your life teaching) told you is right. There will be much less (or no) resentment.

 

LOL--Hope that isn't gobbledegook.

 

I relate to your post, because my folks live far, and they are quite elderly. I'd like them to move here, but they won't, unless one of them passes away, and then they'd consider it. We had the conversation, and that laid it all out--it's good to get it into the open. It sounds like you have more time, though. Another thing is that maybe your kids don't want to move. It gets harder as they get older, believe me--leaving friends for family that you don't really know is kinda sucky for many kids.

 

Sorry to ramble on.

[Veritaserum]

I wouldn't move. Dh and I met in college. I'm from California and he's from upstate New York. We met in a third state. We talked about moving to the East Coast to be nearer to his family, but we would not consider New York because taxes are high, utility costs are high, winter is more severe than here, businesses are (were?) fleeing the state, and job prospects for his field are low anywhere except for New York City.

 

It never made sense to move. He ended up getting a job here fresh out of college that turned into a full time position. His career has been very stable and lucrative and being well-connected to other people in his field here has been integral to that job stability. We paid for tickets or used frequent flier miles once a year so his parents could come visit us. This was less expensive than moving. His parents ended up moving here as well as two of his siblings. My parents and some of my siblings moved here, too. We ended up near family without having to go anywhere. :)

[JumpyTheFrog]

Second, is it a "should" in your mind? I mean, do you feel you "should" want to live closer, that it is one of those "right things to do?"

 

Yes, this is it. We always drive up, but I would be content if we flew up for an extra trip or two per year. That would be a lot cheaper than moving.

[JumpyTheFrog]

It sounds like living near your folks now or your dc later.

My oldest is only 9, so who knows where he will end up, but it seems much more likely he can be near us if we stay here.

[Chris in VA]

I think you've answered your own question.

 

Lay down the "should." Take up your decision and stand in it.

 

Oh god, I sound like Oprah. :laugh:

[Bluegoat]

I would think about what kind of things might influence your situation in the future.  You have thought about your children's school and work.  What is likely to happen if your extended family gets older and needs help?  What will be your situation when you have retired?

 

I am also wondering - if your husband works from home and the kids are homeschooled, what kind of flexibility do you have?  Could you somehow cut back where you are and rent a cottage or something for a longer period in the good weather part of the year?  Or what about a temporary relocation of some kind, either renting your house or arranging some sort of trade (I know there are places for example with universities where they will rent to visiting faculty for a year or people on sabbatical will exchange residences for a period - there might be a variety of temporary possibilities.)  You could try out living closer for a period without framing it as a final decision or commitment.

[FaithManor]

I would not be willing to move with all of those negatives.

 

The children and their educational futures, financial security, etc. come first. You can always retire near family at a later date. If necessary, travel to visit more often but don't risk your finances or the kids stability for a move that has really no positives to it other than living near family members.

[bethben]

We had this very situation play out in our lives.  We were wanting to move and dh had lost his job, so it was a good time to do so.  The place where my family lives sounds very familiar (Illinois?!).  We figured that if we were to move closer to my large extended family, we would be able to have a relationship with my family, but we would struggle to maintain our living standard with a salary twice what my dh was making when he lost his job.  TWICE!  Over $100K would be eaten up with everything you described above.  We would have been worse off with double the salary.  We couldn't put our family in that type of long term financial hardship.  We were looking at $250K houses with $5-8K JUST in property taxes not to mention the whole slew of additional state taxes that were added to gas, electricity, food, clothing, etc.  A lot of a 6 figure salary for us would have gone to taxes and the increased cost of living with me still having to pinch pennies.

 

We would up moving 1000 miles away because we had better job opportunities and my dh could continue to take care of his family.  It is a definite mourning for what we would LOVE to have, but the financial piece just doesn't make any sense.  I have NO IDEA why they stay.  Each of my siblings are struggling financially (except for the one who has no kids and both spouses work full time).  

[Ali in OR]

Stay put. It's best for YOUR family--the ones you're raising. We also live far from extended family, and at times I wish we lived closer, like in the same state. But it's best for us to be here.

[HS Mom in NC]

In general I say aim for family, but there are no factors in your favor.  You wouldn't be able to support yourselves in that economy and it would put you homeschooling behind the iron curtain. 

 

Your parents have an adult child in town and they're still well enough to run a business, so there doesn't seem to be any urgency with them yet.  I second the idea of working out some sort of back up plan in your area for your parents living nearby if one or both are no longer able to care for themselves and the sibling can't or won't do it. Once they can't care for themselves their preference for the weather will probably drop lower on their list of priorities.

 

The suggestion upthread of looking into splitting the difference in the distance sounds like it's worth looking into.  Is there somewhere in between that would still work for your family and get you closer to extended family so you can see them more and so you can help care for them to some degree if their health declines?

I have had 4 generations on both sides nearby.  It's great but if you struggle to enforce boundaries, it can be a problem depending on personalities and family culture.  You can live within 5 miles of people and choose to see them regularly or sporadically if you want, so if they end up driving you crazy then don't interact with them.  It's not hard to do, but for some people it's hard to want to do.

There is no substitute for extended family interaction.  That means only exactly what it says, there's nothing like it.  That doesn't mean people without it have a void in their souls or anything.  They have other types of relationships that can be just as fulfilling.  It's just different.  I hope something works out so you can have that in your life if that's what you want, but if it doesn't enjoy the life you do have.

[lllll]

..

[Liz CA]

Just looking at the financial side of things as you described it, it would be pretty hard to get a foothold when most COL would be so much higher yet employment opportunities so much worse.

 

I would not move. If you are worried about aging parents, can you start discussing the possibility of them moving to your state now so when it's becoming more of an issue, it's not a new topic but has been on the table?

[JumpyTheFrog]

We could afford to live there, despite the cost difference, but we can save easily for retirement here.

 

As far as moving closer, all of the states near our home state are even worse (economy for some, higher taxes for others). If my dad dies first, I'm pretty sure my mom would be willing to move here. My dad's dad is just died a few months ago, so they've felt tied to their state because of him, so maybe in a few years they'd reconsider and move here.

[FaithManor]

And I do agree with others that aging parents should be the ones considering moving. It's not popular with the older set, but the difficulty for many couples is that later in life child bearing combined with extended life spans leaves many sandwiched between two generations that need care. So my philosophy is that those that need help must be willing to move or be flexible since they require the assistance of the still working, still raising and launching children into adult life.

 

My parents are not necessarily thrilled about this because they want to remain where they are and never be bothered with moving, but at some point we will have to move for dh's work, and none of our children will be able to find employment in the area - our married daughter and hubby live in upstate New York, previously in New Jersey - so we can't stay permanently in this area though when we moved into this place we thought it would be our forever home at the time. The best laid plans of mice and men.........

 

At any rate, mom and dad will have to be willing to uproot or they will have to go to assisted living locally and without children nearby to visit them often. It would be very lonely for them so they are beginning to realize that since we are offering to give them enough financial assistance to make the move when the time comes, they would be wise to take us up on that.

 

 

[Penelope]

And I do agree with others that aging parents should be the ones considering moving. It's not popular with the older set, but the difficulty for many couples is that later in life child bearing combined with extended life spans leaves many sandwiched between two generations that need care. So my philosophy is that those that need help must be willing to move or be flexible since they require the assistance of the still working, still raising and launching children into adult life.

 

My parents are not necessarily thrilled about this because they want to remain where they are and never be bothered with moving, but at some point we will have to move for dh's work, and none of our children will be able to find employment in the area - our married daughter and hubby live in upstate New York, previously in New Jersey - so we can't stay permanently in this area though when we moved into this place we thought it would be our forever home at the time. The best laid plans of mice and men.........

 

At any rate, mom and dad will have to be willing to uproot or they will have to go to assisted living locally and without children nearby to visit them often. It would be very lonely for them so they are beginning to realize that since we are offering to give them enough financial assistance to make the move when the time comes, they would be wise to take us up on that.

I agree with this.

 

If parents aren't elderly and needing care yet and still working, though, it's a pro/con kind of thing. And it doesn't sound like you have a positive balance for moving. Jobs and security come first. And I do understand the dilemma. I have longed to get back closer to one particular segment of extended family, but it isn't possible at this time and really makes zero sense for us.

 

Also, don't know how old your children are, but how close would you be? If you are talking about moving to the same town as in-laws or being within an hour, then yes, you would probably see more of them. But as schedules get tighter with older children, it gets harder to make the trip when you are two, three, or more hours away, and then you find you have moved "closer" to people that you in fact see maybe only one extra time per year then when they were a day's drive or a plane ride away.

[SparklyUnicorn]

It's hard to be away from family, but I never wish I had decided not to move.  There were just too many cons.  And heck, I moved to a high reg state because that was not the biggest con.

 

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

Just want to comment on the high reg state thing though.  It does not mean homeschooling is not popular or unheard of or some sort of problem.  That is absolutely not the case.  The state I lived prior had pretty much no requirements whatsoever and it was actually harder to find homeschoolers than the high reg state I now live in.