How do you handle it when your dh and teen dd butt heads?

[Janie Grace]

This has been a hard weekend for dh and dd16. I won't go into details but it has to do with clothing choices (it's not patriarchal craziness going on -- just normal conflicting ideas about what is appropriate). What I want to know is, when your dh clashes with your dd, and there are hurt feelings on both sides, how do you handle it? Do you try to help each party see the others' side? Do you ever mediate in a formal, sit-down together way? Or do you just totally stay out of it? 

 

I feel like I have insight/help to offer on both sides because I am close to each person and understand their perspective. At the same time, I don't want to make things worse or be a go-between. I want them to have their own, healthy relationship. I am worried, especially that my dd will go underground with her feelings and fake peace. That there will be remaining hurt if things aren't truly resolved and she's not fully heard. But I can easily make dh feel like I am not empathizing with him. And I don't want that either. 

 

Help?

[regentrude]

Unless extreme circumstances, I would not get between them into the argument. I absolutely hate it when DH interferes when I have a disagreement with one of my children, because it sends the message that I am unable to handle it. Unless dire need, I would not mediate the dispute.

 

I might talk with each party in private if I have insight into to offer that can help them understand the other party's point of view.

 

ETA: I expect my DH to be able to handle a disagreement without needing me to empathize with him. I might, quite possibly, have a different opinion than he. I should not be expected to "take sides" with either spouse or child, but form my independent opinion - which may fall on one of the sides, depending on issue.

[Janie Grace]

ETA: I expect my DH to be able to handle a disagreement without needing me to empathize with him. I might, quite possibly, have a different opinion than he. I should not be expected to "take sides" with either spouse or child, but form my independent opinion - which may fall on one of the sides, depending on issue.

 

I didn't mean "agree with" when I said empathize. I meant understand how he is hurt/frustrated by dd's responses to him or the situation. 

[Southern Ivy]

This has been a hard weekend for dh and dd16. I won't go into details but it has to do with clothing choices (it's not patriarchal craziness going on -- just normal conflicting ideas about what is appropriate). What I want to know is, when your dh clashes with your dd, and there are hurt feelings on both sides, how do you handle it? Do you try to help each party see the others' side? Do you ever mediate in a formal, sit-down together way? Or do you just totally stay out of it? 

 

I feel like I have insight/help to offer on both sides because I am close to each person and understand their perspective. At the same time, I don't want to make things worse or be a go-between. I want them to have their own, healthy relationship. I am worried, especially that my dd will go underground with her feelings and fake peace. That there will be remaining hurt if things aren't truly resolved and she's not fully heard. But I can easily make dh feel like I am not empathizing with him. And I don't want that either. 

 

Help?

 

 

Unless extreme circumstances, I would not get between them into the argument. I absolutely hate it when DH interferes when I have a disagreement with one of my children, because it sends the message that I am unable to handle it. Unless dire need, I would not mediate the dispute.

 

I might talk with each party in private if I have insight into to offer that can help them understand the other party's point of view.

 

ETA: I expect my DH to be able to handle a disagreement without needing me to empathize with him. I might, quite possibly, have a different opinion than he. I should not be expected to "take sides" with either spouse or child, but form my independent opinion - which may fall on one of the sides, depending on issue.

I don't have a teen, but I thought I'd just share what my mom would do. 

Mom never butted in during and argument, but did what regentrude said - she would come to us quietly to offer insight and to listen. I knew that unless it was an extreme circumstance, she would back dad. She may not agree with him, but she'd support his decision. It was never a "well, mom is just going to support dad, so I won't bother to talk to her." I knew that she'd be fair and listen and consider both sides. 

Not once did she let me know she disagreed with dad during our conversations. I know she did, because there would be times when he would back down on a topic and listen to my point of view and give me that freedom; however, her discussion with him was always in private. 

 

Your daughter sounds a lot like me. I bottle up the feelings and shut down. I'm not good with confrontation. Mom knew that and did her best to give me a voice and to let dad have his voice, while doing her best to protect our relationship as well. 

[GinaPagnato]

When this has happened, priority one is making sure my dc is still engaged with us as parents. As in, not shutting down. So, I have gone to them and said, "I know you're upset about how Dad handled things. Here's what I think you may not understand about why he said what he said"...

 

If Dad was being a butthead about it, or making a bigger deal about something, I would likely say, "I know he was pretty hot about it. He loves you and is worried about XYZ, but that doesn't mean it was okay for him to blah, blah, blah."

 

To dh, I would say, "You know, I think a better way to have handled it would probably be ..." Or maybe, "I know how frustrating she can be and how stubborn she is sometimes. BELIEVE ME, I get it. I think in this case you need to remember blah, blah, blah."

 

So, dh gets props for trying, empathy because I can relate, but also loving suggestions as to how to engage better next time.

 

Dd gets to see that she is loved and supported, and that dad loves her but isn't perfect at times in how he handles conflict. We're all human, you fight with your siblings, everyone has disagreements, the important thing is to assume the best about one another's motives and to forgive, blah, blah, blah.

[kroe1]

DH is quite capable of disciplining without my help. Dd15 would have no say in her clothing choices if DH or I did not approve, especially for modesty reasons. When she jumps out of my wallet, then she can choose what she wants to wear.

 

In the meantime, DH and I must still portray a united front, even if we disagree in private.

[Joker]

My dh and I have no trouble telling the other they are wrong or need to change tactics with one of our dds. They are both teens and it doesn't happen often. Sometimes we butt in while something is happening but we usually get the other in private and discuss. We each listen to the other and usually change tactics as was requested. It's always worked out well here. I've never gone to dd without going to dh first (that, to me, seems wrong) because he always listens and changes course, as do I.

[ThisIsTheDay]

What I want to know is, when your dh clashes with your dd, and there are hurt feelings on both sides, how do you handle it? Do you try to help each party see the others' side? Do you ever mediate in a formal, sit-down together way? Or do you just totally stay out of it? 

 

 

I think it will completely depend on individual families and family dynamics.

 

I want peace.  I want smooth things over, because both will often be very stubborn and refuse to see the other's point. If one is rude or makes sweeping statements ("you always"), the other is more likely to shut down.  I can usually talk to dd that same day. She wants her feelings acknowledged. I usually wait until the next day to talk to dh, and he will sometimes be the one to bring it up. 

 

I'm not the go between; I don't want to GET between. I don't want either one feeling like I'm siding with the other; rather, I want them to see the other's side. I don't pass messages back and forth, and I don't mediate. They need to make their own peace with each other. But I want to smooth the ruffled feathers.

 

I really, really just want everyone to get along and be kind to each other.  They don't have to agree, just be nice. It's not always a nice world out there, but I want home to be.

 

[Night Elf]

I talk with both sides privately to explain what the other was trying to say. In the heat of the moment, listening rationally doesn't usually happen. So I guess you could say I act as a mediator. Don't people get paid to do that? I don't see anything wrong with it. If one of them changes their mind, or if they just want another conversation to hopefully clarify the situation, they seek the other one out. I rarely suggest that on my own because they are all old enough to know better. Sometimes they just need some time to cool down and to be able to try again with a different tact. I rarely disagree with my kids, but when I did, DH treated me the same way.

[lllll]

..

[Farrar]

I'm not clear if you and your dh disagree as well about what's appropriate for her clothes. I think if you do, you need to get on the same page about that away from her first.

[WagsWife]

I don't have a teen, but I thought I'd just share what my mom would do.

Mom never butted in during and argument, but did what regentrude said - she would come to us quietly to offer insight and to listen. I knew that unless it was an extreme circumstance, she would back dad. She may not agree with him, but she'd support his decision. It was never a "well, mom is just going to support dad, so I won't bother to talk to her." I knew that she'd be fair and listen and consider both sides.

Not once did she let me know she disagreed with dad during our conversations. I know she did, because there would be times when he would back down on a topic and listen to my point of view and give me that freedom; however, her discussion with him was always in private.

 

Your daughter sounds a lot like me. I bottle up the feelings and shut down. I'm not good with confrontation. Mom knew that and did her best to give me a voice and to let dad have his voice, while doing her best to protect our relationship as well.

This! This is exactly what I do. Also, I will sometimes go to to the DD and remind her that above all they love each other. I will explain that I understand where she is coming from, but, for the good of any relationship, it is important to see where he is coming from as well.

 

There have been times where if I *really think he is being unfair or unreasonable--and the situation is escalating--I will butt in with a "DH, can we speak upstairs for a moment!!" Then I will let him know why he is wrong 😂---just kidding.

[gardenmom5]

dh and 1dd used to butt heads frequently.  they just brought out the worst in each other.  I think it was because they are so alike.

 

I finally told them they were not allowed to talk to each other - unless I was there to mediate.  I could see both sides - but neither of them could.   eta: I had to *translate*.  (It had nothing to do with my opinion on a matter - but purely language/communication.)

 

now they have a good relationship and are very close.

[Liz CA]

Several grown women have shared this: Your dd would likely never say this but very secretly she probably feels protected and secure because her Dad cares. Outwardly she puts up a front and a fight and it can even get ugly but somewhere she may also realize (now or later) this is not being done to be critical or mean spirited.

 

I would avoid taking sides. Your dd is becoming an adult and is learning how to behave in confrontational situation and your dh is already an adult and.

[albeto.]

If it's not patriarchy / modesty stuff, maybe your dh just needs to come to grips with watching his little girl grow up into a woman. We all deal with watching our kids grow into autonomous adults differently, and as awkward and uncomfortable and honestly? - scary - as it can sometimes get, trying to maintain control can often backfire. After all, that's what our kids want. That's human nature. Maybe this isn't about your dh and dd, but about your dh. Maybe you can be a sounding board for him, let him work out his feelings with you. 

 

Good luck in any case. Parenting isn't for the feint at heart. But the rewards can be tremendous, no? 

[gardenmom5]

When this has happened, priority one is making sure my dc is still engaged with us as parents. As in, not shutting down. So, I have gone to them and said, "I know you're upset about how Dad handled things. Here's what I think you may not understand about why he said what he said"...

 

If Dad was being a butthead about it, or making a bigger deal about something, I would likely say, "I know he was pretty hot about it. He loves you and is worried about XYZ, but that doesn't mean it was okay for him to blah, blah, blah."

 

 

 

 

with very sensitive dd . . . . that would have come across to her as taking sides and supporting him against her, whether I did or not.  it would have been one of the worst things I could have done.

 

I can only see this as a parent of now adult children - who have successfully navigated the teen years.  I was a teen with a single mother.

[zoobie]

I have a tween, but she is a stubborn mule with ADHD just like her father. They're going to be FUN in a couple of years. I will interrupt with a joking tone--"Hey! To your corners!" Or break out Daniel Tiger's "when you feel like you're about to roar, take a deep breath and count to four!" Or pull out a show tune. Just to diffuse them. Then tell her to walk away. They will argue about nothing and neither backs down. She picks the absolute worst time to bring something up with him.

[Joanne]

DH is quite capable of disciplining without my help. Dd15 would have no say in her clothing choices if DH or I did not approve, especially for modesty reasons. When she jumps out of my wallet, then she can choose what she wants to wear.

 

In the meantime, DH and I must still portray a united front, even if we disagree in private.

 

 

I could not disagree with this more than I do. Not for a developmental standpoint of  clothing choice nearing adulthood, not from the "being in my wallet" perspective (a phrase you've used before and it squicks me out each time) and not from the "united front" meme which I disagreed with from childhood.

 

 

[Joanne]

Several grown women have shared this: Your dd would likely never say this but very secretly she probably feels protected and secure because her Dad cares. Outwardly she puts up a front and a fight and it can even get ugly but somewhere she may also realize (now or later) this is not being done to be critical or mean spirited.

 

I would avoid taking sides. Your dd is becoming an adult and is learning how to behave in confrontational situation and your dh is already an adult and.

 

Then I will be a woman who says that micro-managing the clothing choices of a near adult would have created resentment and distance for me. My parents allowed heavy make up and some style they did not like, and I appreciate that they let me. They expressed their opinions - infrequently. I never felt less loved or less protected.

 

I am, however, glad few pictures survived of me during that phase. ;)

[swellmomma]

When this has happened, priority one is making sure my dc is still engaged with us as parents. As in, not shutting down. So, I have gone to them and said, "I know you're upset about how Dad handled things. Here's what I think you may not understand about why he said what he said"...

 

If Dad was being a butthead about it, or making a bigger deal about something, I would likely say, "I know he was pretty hot about it. He loves you and is worried about XYZ, but that doesn't mean it was okay for him to blah, blah, blah."

 

To dh, I would say, "You know, I think a better way to have handled it would probably be ..." Or maybe, "I know how frustrating she can be and how stubborn she is sometimes. BELIEVE ME, I get it. I think in this case you need to remember blah, blah, blah."

 

So, dh gets props for trying, empathy because I can relate, but also loving suggestions as to how to engage better next time.

 

Dd gets to see that she is loved and supported, and that dad loves her but isn't perfect at times in how he handles conflict. We're all human, you fight with your siblings, everyone has disagreements, the important thing is to assume the best about one another's motives and to forgive, blah, blah, blah.

If my spouse went to one of my kids like that or talked to me like that I would actually be more ticked off and the initial argument with the teen in the first place.  What a way to undermine your spouse to your child and play the "i'm a better parent than you" card.  I do not see it as props for trying, etc  

 

Thankfully, I don't have to worry about that, I do not have a spouse in the home trying to get between me and my kids if we have an argument. 

 

To the Op my advice is to simple stay out of it.  Unless one of them severely crossed a line such as name calling during the argument or getting physical, let it play out and blow over on its own. I may speakto husband not about that actual argument but perhaps about personal appearances of child/teen in general, so discussing what I am a comfortable with and what he is and come to a parenting decision together about what is permitted within the family.  That will prevent major blow ups down the line, but in general his opinions and parenting would be as valid as mine so he would not need or appreciate me undermining him about it I would assume.

[Reefgazer]

I just laugh at them butting heads about the same stupid sh*t they always are butting heads about; it's never about anything major, though.  Skimpy bikini for the pool vs "why doesn't she wear clothes?", sass-mouth DD vs just stating her case, too-heavy eye makeup vs no eye makeup.  I just let them go at it, mostly.  Truth is, more often than not, I see DD's POV.  One time, I did pull DD aside and talked to her about speaking more respectfully to her father when she went to far, though.

[GinaPagnato]

If my spouse went to one of my kids like that or talked to me like that I would actually be more ticked off and the initial argument with the teen in the first place.  What a way to undermine your spouse to your child and play the "i'm a better parent than you" card.  I do not see it as props for trying, etc  

 

Thankfully, I don't have to worry about that, I do not have a spouse in the home trying to get between me and my kids if we have an argument. 

 

To the Op my advice is to simple stay out of it.  Unless one of them severely crossed a line such as name calling during the argument or getting physical, let it play out and blow over on its own. I may speakto husband not about that actual argument but perhaps about personal appearances of child/teen in general, so discussing what I am a comfortable with and what he is and come to a parenting decision together about what is permitted within the family.  That will prevent major blow ups down the line, but in general his opinions and parenting would be as valid as mine so he would not need or appreciate me undermining him about it I would assume.

 

Huh. I would never have thought this. I suppose that's a function of your relationship with your spouse.

 

My dh and I agree nearly 100% on matters of child-rearing and discipline, so on the rare cases that this has come up, it's always been due to the fact that one of us had over-reacted and wasn't proceeding effectively with the kids. We're always mutually grateful that the other spouse loves us enough to call a time-out and help when he or I happen to be banging our heads against a wall and completely losing our kid in the midst.

 

And, wow, it's not a matter of "trying to get between me and the kids." It's helping each other in parenting, and I'm pretty certain nobody here gets it right all the time.

Perhaps that's just a matter of what your relationship was like with your dh. The OP was asking how *we* handle it, so that's what we do on the occasions that it's come up.

 

[EmilyGF]

Several grown women have shared this: Your dd would likely never say this but very secretly she probably feels protected and secure because her Dad cares. Outwardly she puts up a front and a fight and it can even get ugly but somewhere she may also realize (now or later) this is not being done to be critical or mean spirited.

 

I would avoid taking sides. Your dd is becoming an adult and is learning how to behave in confrontational situation and your dh is already an adult and.

I experienced this a teen. I felt a lot of pressure from my peers to dress in a provocative way (think black leather miniskirt at 15) and I was often quite happy to be able to "blame on my dad" more conservative clothing choices.

 

I do not like conflict and didn't want to have to stick up for my clothing choices to my peers. I am/was pretty and got a lot of cat calls and unwanted flirting attention that made me very self conscious (as well as contributed to lasting body image problems).

 

With the leather mini skirt, my mom stuck up for me and I was really upset with her, though I never told her.

 

Emily

[foxbridgeacademy]

DH and the kids rarely (like 1X per year) have an interaction that requires mediation but yeah, when needed I will step in.  Usually I just remind DH that the kids are sensitive and harsh words/strong emotions from him is unusual and exponentially more painful to them.  He will then go and talk calmly and quietly about how much he cares and that's why he got upset with them.  I only officially have the one teen but my almost 12 year old has acted like a teenager for a couple years now.

[myfunnybunch]

I don't have a teen, but I thought I'd just share what my mom would do. 

Mom never butted in during and argument, but did what regentrude said - she would come to us quietly to offer insight and to listen. I knew that unless it was an extreme circumstance, she would back dad. She may not agree with him, but she'd support his decision. It was never a "well, mom is just going to support dad, so I won't bother to talk to her." I knew that she'd be fair and listen and consider both sides. 

Not once did she let me know she disagreed with dad during our conversations. I know she did, because there would be times when he would back down on a topic and listen to my point of view and give me that freedom; however, her discussion with him was always in private. 

 

This is almost exactly how I handle things, and how my dh handles things as well. Actually, we've naturally developed checks and balances as we parent together. If there's a disagreement with a teen, the parent involved tends to check in with the other parent afterward to say, What do you think? How would you handle it? Can you offer me another perspective? And with the teen: What did you hear? How are you feeling? Can I help in some way?

 

I strongly value respect in my home, for everyone, parents and children. If I feel that one or the other is edging toward being outright disrespectful to the other, I will usually speak up then and there, to say something along the lines of, "I'm not taking sides, but do you think there's a more respectful/politer/kinder way to say what you said? It might be easier for the other person to hear." (Or, on an occasion or two, to a teen who really crossed the line, "Oh, no. You just do not say that to your father. Or to anyone else, for that matter.")

[The Girls' Mom]

Well, my dh is a good man and there are no abuse issues, so I generally just stay out of it.  Stepping in would just tick him off, and cause friction between us.  As I've told my girls...I still have to live with that man when you all move out.  If it were over something I strongly disagreed with, then I'd speak up.  Usually, it is just a matter of grumpy attitudes on both parts when they butt heads.  (which isn't often)

[Caribbean Queen]

This has been a hard weekend for dh and dd16. I won't go into details but it has to do with clothing choices (it's not patriarchal craziness going on -- just normal conflicting ideas about what is appropriate). What I want to know is, when your dh clashes with your dd, and there are hurt feelings on both sides, how do you handle it? Do you try to help each party see the others' side? Do you ever mediate in a formal, sit-down together way? Or do you just totally stay out of it? 

 

I feel like I have insight/help to offer on both sides because I am close to each person and understand their perspective. At the same time, I don't want to make things worse or be a go-between. I want them to have their own, healthy relationship. I am worried, especially that my dd will go underground with her feelings and fake peace. That there will be remaining hurt if things aren't truly resolved and she's not fully heard. But I can easily make dh feel like I am not empathizing with him. And I don't want that either. 

 

Help?

 

This post sounds like it's talking about two people who have equal authority and power.   "Clashing, butting heads, having conflicting ideas, possibly needing formal mediation in order to resolve hurt feelings and know they have my empathy."

 

I'm more of a traditional parent.  If our rule is no bikinis, then our daughter can't wear one.  Back talk won't frazzle us, nor will it get her what she wants.  If we decide to allow her to wear sweat pants to her uncles funeral, we might tell her one time that it is up to her but we think it's a bad idea, and why.  Then we'd keep our mouths shut and let it go.

 

We either allow something, or we don't. 

[Janie Grace]

This post sounds like it's talking about two people who have equal authority and power.   "Clashing, butting heads, having conflicting ideas, possibly needing formal mediation in order to resolve hurt feelings and know they have my empathy."

 

I'm more of a traditional parent.  If our rule is no bikinis, then our daughter can't wear one.  Back talk won't frazzle us, nor will it get her what she wants.  If we decide to allow her to wear sweat pants to her uncles funeral, we might tell her one time that it is up to her but we think it's a bad idea, and why.  Then we'd keep our mouths shut and let it go.

 

We either allow something, or we don't. 

 

Yes, but your oldest is 11. (I would have written your post when mine was 11; I was a "right away, all the way obedience" kind of parent when my kids were all little.) But surely there will be a transition when your children enter their mid-teen years as you give their preferences more weight and start granting more independence, right? 

 

I have seen very bad results when parents try to extend a "because I said so and that's final" parenting style into young adulthood. Our dd doesn't have equal authority or power but her opinions are equally valuable. I feel very strongly that young adults who feel they don't have a voice with their parents are more likely to distance themselves as soon as possible. I want her to know that we respect her. Our say is the final rule, but as she gets older, I think that kind of ultimatum should be used more sparingly. 

[hornblower]

I can't really relate as I don't think dh ever talked to dd about her clothing, and esp not when into mid-late teens.

& I can't really think of many things that he got into disputes about with her which I would also not have been involved in. There was a time when he was obsessing about her reading really at night & I told him to knock it off & leave her alone.

I think most everything that came up was stuff we parents both agreed on so I wouldn't have been standing on the sidelines because it would have been some household negotiated rule.

[Caribbean Queen]

Yes, but your oldest is 11. ...surely there will be a transition when your children enter their mid-teen years as you give their preferences more weight and start granting more independence, right? 

 

Yes, gradually, I must let them have more independence. But when they're 16 I will still have some rules.  I expect them to dislike some of them.  When I won't buy my girls shorts as big as underwear, they can think I am so mean.  They can fantasize about wearing booty shorts every day when they are grown up.  Causing drama will get them nowhere.  Their best bet is to pick something else to wear and then we can hit the soft pretzels in the food court.

 

I don't plan on needing formal mediation for our head butting until after they get jobs and move out.  *joking*

 

My own mother had a backbone, but wasn't overbearing.   I was not scarred for life because she wouldn't buy me the rubber mini-dress I wanted.  I think my relationship with my future teens will be similar.  I don't have teens yet, though.  Time will tell.

[Rebel Yell]

Several grown women have shared this: Your dd would likely never say this but very secretly she probably feels protected and secure because her Dad cares. Outwardly she puts up a front and a fight and it can even get ugly but somewhere she may also realize (now or later) this is not being done to be critical or mean spirited.

 

I would avoid taking sides. Your dd is becoming an adult and is learning how to behave in confrontational situation and your dh is already an adult and.

 

ooooh be careful believing this applies to everyone. Not every child with strict parents (or however you want to label them) truly has their child's best interests, protection, or whatever in mind. Sometimes it's just about how the parents think something will make them look to other people.  99% of the time it will be people they don't even care about, while the child they are supposed to care about has no voice in the matter.

 

Ask me how I know. Maybe someday I'll be able to look back and laugh about the Epic Battle of the Senior Portrait. :crying:

[albeto.]

ooooh be careful believing this applies to everyone. Not every child with strict parents (or however you want to label them) truly has their child's best interests, protection, or whatever in mind. 

 

Or that the idea that very secretly kids probably feel protected and secure when parents control choices they feel strongly they can handle independently and appropriately. 

 

 

Ask me how I know. Maybe someday I'll be able to look back and laugh about the Epic Battle of the Senior Portrait.  :crying:

 

:(

[Liz CA]

ooooh be careful believing this applies to everyone. Not every child with strict parents (or however you want to label them) truly has their child's best interests, protection, or whatever in mind. Sometimes it's just about how the parents think something will make them look to other people.  99% of the time it will be people they don't even care about, while the child they are supposed to care about has no voice in the matter.

 

Ask me how I know. Maybe someday I'll be able to look back and laugh about the Epic Battle of the Senior Portrait. :crying:

 

No, I definitely don't think this applies to everyone. I mentioned it as a possibility since I neither know op, her dd nor dh. And we really don't know what the issue is. But I am curious what happened with the Senior Portrait...:)

[LibraryLover]

I don't think it's ever a good idea for a father to criticize a dds look or clothing choices.  It's just too sensitive a subject, ime, imo.   The only thing I think is safe for a Dad to say to a young teen dd is "You look very nice", or "I like that color'. I'd pull my dh aside and explain that to him if needed.  DD has never said a negative word wrt to our girls' re appearance/clothing choices.