Feeling Confused

[MamaHappy]

Never mind.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I don't think you or your son did anything wrong but I do understand how a boy very close in age would feel left out.  But it should be the mother's job to help him deal with those feelings, not to scold you or to try and dictate your guest list.  

[poppy]

An adult told a 12 year old he was very rude ? Based on who he invited to his birthday party? And now his friends can't go due to his rudeness?  That's flat out awful.

 

I could totally see her talking to you about including the other boy- that would be OK. 
What she did was out of bounds.

[Annie G]

I don't think you or your son did anything wrong but I do understand how a boy very close in age would feel left out.  But it should be the mother's job to help him deal with those feelings, not to scold you or to try and dictate your guest list.  

 

This. And if she is keeping the other two home because she doesn't want boy three to feel left out, that's her choice. Maybe boy three really wants to be friends with OP's son and really was hurt.  But it really sounds like she was being mean about it rather than sensitive to her other kid.  Like she wanted to hurt your ds because she felt he hurt her ds.  Petty. 

 

When our kids were little and one was invited but another not, the mom always called to let me know before the invitation arrived. I thought that made it easier for me to handle rather than opening it and finding out at the same time as the uninvited kid.  Because when that happens, it's pretty easy to overreact. 

[Orthodox6]

Kids have friends of all ages.  Kid X does not automatically build a friendship with Kid Z simply because they are of the same age.   

 

Friendship grew up between your son and two children of the other family.  The non-invited "age peer" and your son, for whatever reasons, -- and these reasons are irrelevant, I shall take for granted -- did not naturally gravitate toward friendship.  That holds for both "sides", and this other mother ought to acknowledge it and not make an issue where one does not exist. 

 

If a family has more than one child, inevitably there will be times when one child is jealous of something pleasant happening for another child of the family.  Learning Opportunity.

 

 

[catz]

I think when you have a party you can invite who you want.  Twelve was the age where my son was really craving BIG kids and he was more discerning about friendships.  So some 11 year olds seemed not to click with him during that time, but some others might have.  I think treating siblings, and especially kids that are approaching adolescence as boxed sets is a good way to set up animosity between them.  I think it was way over the line for her to berate your child.  She maybe could have mentioned to you that her 3rd son felt left out.  But honestly, depending on the ages and personalities, that could be crossing a line too depending how she did it. 

 

Really, anyone can decline an invitation and that's what she should have done if she were really that put out by it IMO.   

[go_go_gadget]

To me, it depends on how the association was formed. If two siblings meet someone at a class or group or whatever that a third sibling does not attend, then it's reasonable to only invite the first two siblings. If the association is a neighborly one, then I'd feel obligated to include the third sibling. If I were that mother, I would have considered it a little unkind to leave the third sibling out, but would never have said anything. 

[Samiam]

I can see both sides.

 

I agree that it depends on how the friendships were formed...meaning the two brothers met your son in a way that had nothing to do with the third brother.....so your son didn't really know him...no reason to invite him.  But a situation where they are all in the neighborhood together....perhaps the third brother THOUGHT your son was his friend too....and it shocked him to find out your son didn't think the same way.  That is hurtful for that child...and I can understand why the mom felt like standing up and protecting her son.  In her eyes, your son hurt her son...and in kind of a direct slap in the face too, since the other brothers were invited.

 

Now I also see your son's side...of course he's at the age where he wants to just really invite the people he considers real friends...not just people he knows.   And he probably had no intention of hurting the brother...probably assumed they were on the same page that they "were not friends".

 

That being said...some adult logic needed to go into this.  I think YOU should have had this forethought, and discussed it with your son.  "If we invite Brother A and B, do you think Brother C would feel bad or left out?"  And if you and he decided to go that route, you should have called the mother and explained.   Frankly, getting that invite leaving one child out is hurtful.

 

Now Mom has a choice...send the two brothers, and spend some special time with third brother to help him have a good day.  OR teach the brothers a nice life lesson that family sticks together first and foremost, and we all skip the party as a show of support for our brother.   I doubt there's any thought of "punishing" your son.  More likely, it's about supporting her own son.

 

(And I say all of this for THIS situation...with all the brothers being the same age.   Obviously when we are talking MUCH younger siblings, that is a whole different situation).

[Renthead Mommy]

So brother #1 isn't invited, so brother #2 and brother #3 don't get to go as well.  

 

#2 and #3 have to know your son and friend are not close friends.  It's possible that all three brothers and not all that close if two out three of them are friends together with your son.  All making them miss their friend's party is going to do is drive a wedge between brother #1 and the other two.  I can see them blaming him for them missing a fun party. 

[Ellie]

Okay, I'm going to try to keep this as simple as possible so it's not confusing. :)

 

My 12 year old son is having a birthday party soon. We told him he could invite his friends.

 

There is a family in our neighborhood with several children of various ages. My son is friends with two of the boys who are around his age and he invited them to his party. There is one other boy around my son's age, but they are not really friends so this particular boy was not invited. There are a couple of other kids who are younger than my ds and they were also not invited since he is not really friends with them either.

 

I should mention that I am friends with the mom and we hang out together frequently.

 

Anyway, the mom recently told my son that it was very rude that the one other boy who is close to my son's age was not invited, so therefore she will probably not let the two boys he DID invite come to his party, which I find incredibly rude.

 

My son keeps saying that he is not really friends with this boy so why should he have to invite him??

 

I don't know... I kinda see both sides I guess. I certainly don't want any hurt feelings. My dh thinks she is being ridiculous.

 

What do you think? We always invited siblings when our kids were little, but now that they're getting older, we've let them invite who they want to invite.

 

It is not necessary to invite siblings.

 

It is not rude for the mother to not allow one dc to attend because the others were not invited. Kinda dumb, but not rude.  It was rude of her to say anything to your ds, though. :glare: When you RSVP to an event that you are not coming, you don't have to give a reason; she should have stopped at "I'm so sorry but my ds is unable to attend."

 

I'm assuming that invitations went directly and privately to the children who were invited, as opposed to being handed out to some in the presence of those who were not invited. *That* would be rude.

[EmseB]

I agree with poppy and your DH.  Is the irony lost on her that making a big deal about someone else's guest list to their own birthday party and basically demanding someone else be invited is, in fact, the height of rudeness??  I understand about logistics and hurt feelings and tricky friendships in the tween years, but yikes.  My oldest two are not tweens, but we've already had to learn that both of them are not invited to everything that the other one gets to attend.

 

The polite thing for her to do would be to decline the invitation if she has issues with it.

 

[JenneinCA]

Your son does not have to invite anyone he doesn't want to, but he does need to understand that his friends may not be able to attend if he doesn't invite the brother.

[Okra]

It is fine not to invite all the siblings.  Don't feel badly.  

[Joker]

I can see both sides. My dds are only two years apart and go to parties separately but there have been families with children they have both been close to. I would hope the invitation wasn't apparent to those not invited so the parent/those invited could make the decision. If the other boy close in age knew about it right away, I could almost see where emotions might get the better of a mom. If both of my dds felt they were friends of the birthday person (BTDT), I/dd invited would probably make the decision not to attend but we would never say that is why to the other family. We would just decline.

 

 

ETA: I also wanted to point out that the issue with the OP doesn't seem to be that all siblings be invited, but that the three close in age expected to be viewed as friends. I think that makes it different than just "should all siblings be invited". The mother didn't seem to have a problem with the fact all children weren't invited, just that one close in age was left out.

[school17777]

I can see how the boy is hurt. He may not have realized that they weren't that close to not be invited to a party that his brothers were. It is not like he wouldn't know about the party since his brothers were invited. Although I do think that your ds should be able to invited the guests he wants, it is tricky when dealing with a sibling group, especially when the one he is not inviting is close to his age. And since the uninvited sibling is a neighbor, it could make relations with them akward in the future.

 

I think I would have spoken to the mother when the invites went out in the first place, although it might not have changed anything (boy still hurt if caught off guard about the friendship). Now, everyone is in an akward position because the mother spoke to you.

[Word Nerd]

She's the one who was rude.

[school17777]

I can see both sides. My dds are only two years apart and go to parties separately but there have been families with children they have both been close to. I would hope the invitation wasn't apparent to those not invited so the parent/those invited could make the decision. If the other boy close in age knew about it right away, I could almost see where emotions might get the better of a mom. If both of my dds felt they were friends of the birthday person (BTDT), I/dd invited would probably make the decision not to attend but we would never say that is why to the other family. We would just decline.

The family just declinely the invitation would have been the best thing rather than the mother saying the b-day was rude.

[Joker]

The family just declinely the invitation would have been the best thing rather than the mother saying the b-day was rude.

 

Which is what I said I would do...

[gardenmom5]

I think the mom needs to get over herself.  she's doing her son a disservice.

 

You ds doesn't play with the boy he didn't invite.  if they don't come - well, it's their loss. just dont' count them out until they don't show.  she may be bluffing.

 

 

[ThisIsTheDay]

What do you think? We always invited siblings when our kids were little, but now that they're getting older, we've let them invite who they want to invite.

 

I don't understand why it would have been such a big deal to invite the brother that is close to your son's age.  I get that he's not the friend of your son and that the other two are.  It's not like you are wondering about including an 8 yo (who would be several years removed from your ds).

 

Because you asked:  I think you made a mistake, and if my family received an invitation like this, none of my kids would be attending.  You said you don't want any hurt feelings, but by not inviting this one kid, what other possible ending could you have imagined?

[school17777]

Which is what I said I would do...

yes! I was agreeing with you!

[Joker]

I don't understand the 'family sticks together' thing. It really is OK for siblings in a family to have different friends and different experiences. Heck, it's even OK for spouses to have different friends and go to different events. It doesn't mean the family isn't bonded. I mean, why do siblings have to come as a set ?

 

They don't have to come as a set buy my dds are extremely close and only two years apart. Oldest says youngest is her best friend even though she has friends from school and outside activities. They have inside jokes and secrets and just get each other. They've always been close. They have friends separate of one another and have sleepovers and bday parties with those friends. They also have friends they feel they share. If one was invited to a party to one of the shared friends and the other was not, they would decline to go. They are very loyal to one another. They wouldn't call out the friends on not inviting one of them, which is where I think the mom in the OP went wrong, but they wouldn't go. I like how close they are and would do nothing to change it even if I could.

[Paige]

I think it depends on how your son interacts with the children. Saying he's not really friends with the 3rd boy could mean a lot of different things. Does it mean that when your son goes to their house or when their boys come to your house that the 3rd boy is not part of it and stays home or does something else? In that case, I'd agree that there's no reason to think he'd expect an invite.

 

If he is generally playing with the group when your son goes to their house, or if he usually comes to your house with his brothers, or even if he does it sometimes but not always, I think it is reasonable and expected that there would be hurt feelings. If I were the mother of the boys, I would not try to get an invitation for the other child, but I'd probably not allow my other kids to attend. 

 

People are free to invite whoever they want to parties, but that doesn't mean there might not be social consequences. 

[MamaHappy]

*

[HS Mom in NC]

Whoever is named on the invitation or during the verbal invitation is who's invited.  There is no obligation to invite siblings.  Children need to be taught from an early age that just because the sibling is going, doesn't mean they get to go.  There will be times they'll be invited and the sibling won't.  Mommies may need someone to explain that to them too. Siblings are individuals who have different circles of friends.  Sometimes those circles on the Venn diagrams intersect and sometimes they don't. 

 

Unless someone else' child is causing actual harm, there's no need to correct the child-talk to the parent about it privately.  People who correct other people's children, except in cases of actual emergency, are over stepping bounds.

[MamaHappy]

(

[kirstenhill]

Yeah, how she handled it was soooo wrong!  My DS6 thinks of himself as good friends with all of DS8's friends, but I know the reverse is often not true.  Most of those boys would not invite DS6 to their parties, and I totally understand why.  To them DS6 is the "little brother", not their actual friend.  That doesn't mean I don't wish it were different.  I was super thankful when one family did include DS6 recently in a birthday invite.  He felt so loved.   He has cried many a tear when DS8 got to go to a birthday party and he didn't.  Unfortunately he doesn't have many friends his own age so he sees his older brother invited to a lot of parties when he has to stay home, and yet he is rarely invited to any himself.  I would absolutely never comment to anyone about it though...we just deal with the tears at home and do our best to find something else fun for DS6 to do.

 

I think it's normal for a younger or older of a group of three close siblings to not be invited...what seems especially awkward is if it's one of three in the middle that's not invited.  Like, if there was an 9, 10 and 11 year old and it was the 9 and 11 year olds that were invited and not the one in the middle.  That would seem very socially awkward.  Like others have said, if you are throwing a party you can invite whomever you like...but I can definitely see there would be social repercussions in that situation if a middle kid was left out. 

[MamaHappy]

Yeah, how she handled it was soooo wrong!  My DS6 thinks of himself as good friends with all of DS8's friends, but I know the reverse is often not true.  Most of those boys would not invite DS6 to their parties, and I totally understand why.  To them DS6 is the "little brother", not their actual friend.  That doesn't mean I don't wish it were different.  I was super thankful when one family did include DS6 recently in a birthday invite.  He felt so loved.   He has cried many a tear when DS8 got to go to a birthday party and he didn't.  Unfortunately he doesn't have many friends his own age so he sees his older brother invited to a lot of parties when he has to stay home, and yet he is rarely invited to any himself.  I would absolutely never comment to anyone about it though...we just deal with the tears at home and do our best to find something else fun for DS6 to do.

 

I think it's normal for a younger or older of a group of three close siblings to not be invited...what seems especially awkward is if it's one of three in the middle that's not invited.  Like, if there was an 9, 10 and 11 year old and it was the 9 and 11 year olds that were invited and not the one in the middle.  That would seem very socially awkward.  Like others have said, if you are throwing a party you can invite whomever you like...but I can definitely see there would be social repercussions in that situation if a middle kid was left out. 

 

Actually, the uninvited boy is a twin of one of the invited boys.  But I don't really see what the actual ages has to do with it as much as the relationships.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Actually, the uninvited boy is a twin of one of the invited boys.

Ouch.  

 

I definitely think she handled it very poorly but a twin . . .   just ouch in my opinion.  And yes, I know that twins can have different friends etc. but since they are neighborhood kids I would assume that there is some contact with all 3 boys.  

[MamaHappy]

*

[Joker]

I'm surprised you didn't think to intervene when your ds was inviting two of three boys close in age from one family and leaving out a twin of one boy invited. We seem to have lots of twins here and dds always invite both or none. It seems weird to me especially since they are neighborhood friends. I still think the mom should have just declined for all but I'm surprised you didn't think this would be an issue.

[MamaHappy]

*

[kirstenhill]

I wonder if there is more going on than meets the eye about how the non-invited twin feels about the relationship.  Obviously I could be totally off on this, but I can't figure out why the mom would make such a big deal about it if the non-invited boy didn't care.  I mean maybe...people are wacky sometimes.  Maybe the non-invited boy wishes he could be better friends, and ends up acting weird (like he didn't like your son) because he has gotten vibes that he isn't as welcome as his brothers? I guess I always tell my kids to err on the side of inclusion when it comes to invites.  If someone really doesn't want to come to the party they will say no, but it seems more socially awkward to exclude someone in this situation (and in other situations I've been in). 

[Seasider]

Thank you, I appreciate the responses!

 

I think that some people are assuming that most of the hurt feelings are coming from the uninvited boy.  But really, I think they are mostly coming from mom. Sure, he may be a bit disappointed, but as far as I can tell, it's mostly the mom who is reacting here. I could be wrong, but I don't think I am.

 

One other thing she said to my ds was that when her boys have THEIR birthday parties, my ds won't be invited.  I'm just appalled that she would say this to him!?!  What I am so irritated about is that she said these things to my ds and not to me!  I just wish she would have come to ME about it and left my ds out of it.  I just think that is so tacky and rude.  I mean seriously, who does that??

 

I doubt she will EVER say anything to me about it, that's just how she rolls.  So I either need to let it go or say something to her myself.

 

Like I said, I do see both sides and I do think my son may be being a bit insensitive and I will talk to him about it. 

 

 

Wow. Your poor son, quite horrid the way she spoke to him. Unfortunately I suspect that he will no longer be comfortable in her presence (I know my kids wouldn't want to be around her after that). Instead of having two friends of three near-age siblings, he may soon have none of them. And the loss will be theirs.

 

As to the bolded, I was curious about who the disappointed person truly was. Validated.

[Big Buckin' Longhorn]

Well, I have twin grandchildren and one has a BIG personality and everyone wants to be her friend and invite her everywhere. The other is much more quiet and reserved and has a little trouble making friends. However it would never occur to HER that her sister's friends weren't also her friends. It hurts my heart when she is excluded. If I had received an invitation for only one of them to a birthday party, I'd certainly decline. The mom in the OP is absolutely over the top, but I do understand where she is coming from.

[EmseB]

I still don't think twins necessarily means two invites.  They are two separate people.  Unless all three of the boys (twins + OP's son) are all close friends, I don't think the fact that they are twins necessitates that they should both be invited.

 

ETA: and last year I had to deal with a lot of fall out because DS7 had a lot of friends from school that DS6 didn't have.  So DS7 got invites to parties and events and DS6 had to stay home...even though DS7 and DS6 are very close and joined at the hip when they are both home together, and DS6 was often present at after-school functions and knew some of the kids involved.  It definitely didn't mean that DS7's friends were DS6's friends.  And it sucked dealing with DS6's disappointment about not going to chuck-e-cheese, or bowling or whatever.  But it wouldn't occur to me to even bring it up to those who were inviting DS7 to things to tell them that I think DS6 should be able to go.

[Joker]

I still don't think twins necessarily means two invites.  They are two separate people.  Unless all three of the boys (twins + OP's son) are all close friends, I don't think the fact that they are twins necessitates that they should both be invited.

 

There were two boys invited from one family but one twin was left out. I think that makes it different. If only one twin from the family was invited, I might feel differently but to invite one twin and one other brother seems rude.

[EmseB]

There were two boys invited from one family but one twin was left out. I think that makes it different. If only one twin from the family was invited, I might feel differently but to invite one twin and one other brother seems rude.

 

To me it totally depends on the relationships involved.  I don't understand inviting someone to a birthday party just because they are related to other people who are invited.  It may be a consideration, but if it's an issue of inviting someone's closest friends then relatives of closest friends often don't make the cut because of the activity in question or venue.  For example, I looked into hosting a bowling alley party for my DS last year and it was $20/kid.  I can't, at that price, invite siblings of close friends because they might be offended.

 

In the case described here, the kid who wasn't invited would probably get a lunch out with mom or dad or something like that, because it's very rare that one of the kids have us all to themselves.

[Arcadia]

Actually, the uninvited boy is a twin of one of the invited boys. But I don't really see what the actual ages has to do with it as much as the relationships.

My SIL has twins. They don't get invited to the same things automatically. The twins actually don't want to be treated as a set. They are happy in different classes in the same public school.

My boys are a year apart. They don't expect to both get invites from mutual friends.

 

ETA:

When the mom sends out the invite, sometimes I get a call closer to the date that it is okay to bring my other boy as well because the party isn't full and she has already paid for a party of 20 for example.

[Catwoman]

Only if the sibling is also a friend.

 

My children have gone together to parties where we were all friends of the birthday child, and they have gone individually to parties where only one of them was a friend of the birthday child. It is not a problem or a drama. It is life.

 

You are not being rude, OP. The other mom is.

:iagree:

 

The rudest part of all was that the other mom didn't even speak to the OP about it -- she spoke directly to her son. I would have been very angry if some kid's mom spoke so rudely to my child, and I definitely would have confronted her about it. I would have been civil about it, but I would have made it very clear that if she ever had another problem with my child, she should speak with me about it.

 

I can understand that she wishes all three boys had been invited, but she was way out of line to approach the OP's ds about it.

[MamaHappy]

I think I am going to to bow out of this conversation now.  I appreciate everyone's feedback!!

[gardenmom5]

Actually, the uninvited boy is a twin of one of the invited boys.  But I don't really see what the actual ages has to do with it as much as the relationships.

 

I have friends with twins.  they didn't always have the same friends, and they went to different parties.  it's good for them to have *their own* lives (especially for identicals) and not be one of those sets that must *always be a set*.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I have friends with twins.  they didn't always have the same friends, and they went to different parties.  it's good for them to have *their own* lives (especially for identicals) and not be one of those sets that must *always be a set*.

I understand that.  But at the same time when you are neighborhood friends of the family rather than friends you met at an extra-curricular activity where you might not even know the entire family, I think that usually kids who are close in age are invited to events.  At least that's how it is in our neighborhood.  To not invite the twin seems more deliberately excluding him than just not inviting much younger siblings who probably didn't even have an expectation of being invited.  Again, I think the other mom handled it very poorly and I would be angry in fact that she talked to an 11 year old boy instead of his mom.  But in our neighborhood culture that sort of an exclusion would be hurtful.  

[poppy]

I think I would talk to the other mom to request she not talk to the kid that way ever again: 'you're very rude and you will not be invited to our party now' is, I think, a worse offense than the invite question. I would hate to think this ends with her feeling proud of herself for defending her kid and 'educating' yours.

[Guest mattuojun]

I don't think you or your son did anything wrong but I do understand how a boy very close in age would feel left out.

[Valley Girl]

I agree that the other mother was out of line to confront your son about the situation. He's just a kid. She should have politely declined for the family if she felt she shouldn't send the two invited boys.

 

However, I think inviting the other twin would have been a kind thing to do because of the neighborhood situation especially if the boy is even casually part of the group that plays together. (To HIM, all the kids might be "friends.") I'd feel differently if the kids only knew each other in a different environment such as school or a club, where the uninvited boy didn't participate at all. I'd feel differently if there were a large age difference as well.

 

If it were my kid who was uninvited, I'd be annoyed if he were excluded when there was no clear reason (i.e. if all the kids played together at other times), but I would do my best to explain that not everyone gets invited to everything. And we'd do something else special while the others went to the party.

[Chris in VA]

Wow.

 

I'm so glad we are beyond the Birthday Party years.

[Paige]

I have friends with twins.  they didn't always have the same friends, and they went to different parties.  it's good for them to have *their own* lives (especially for identicals) and not be one of those sets that must *always be a set*.

 

It's actually better, IMO, for the twins to decide that for themselves. Some will want to separate early and some will want to stay together and do more things together for longer, and neither decision is better or worse. It's one thing for the parents to insist that they stay together when they don't want to, but it's just as bad, IMO, to push them apart when they don't want to be separated. 

 

In this situation, it seems that the boys have developed separate interests, but not all twins, even identical ones, will want to do that. For my twins, it's tricky because they actually do have the same interests and preferences most of the time. So, if they want to separate, they have to feign a lack of interest in something or choose something they don't like. I feel it's healthier now that they can say, "Yes, I actually do want that same color/flavor/friend/activity," and do the same thing than it was when they were trying to fake it and pretend they didn't want something just because the other did.