What do you do....CC....when

[Journey]

it feels like nothing in your life is going right or when you feel an overwhelming loneliness that you've been praying about for awhile?  I am a point due to many circumstances in my life, most of which are out of my control...caring for elderly parents (living with them) when my other siblings do nothing except visit every now and then....my father is a son of a gun, mean, mean man.  my mom has dementia so she is awesome. There is no way I can move out.  when my father convinced me/us to move in he made promises that he isn't keeping.  I had to buy a 2 new cars (used), my child support is ending in two months, I cannot afford to move or else we (my daughters and I) would be long gone.  my youngest daughter is growing up and living her life as a 20 year old should, but as Taylor Swift's mom said the other day (being their constant companion for the last (20) years makes it very hard to let go even though that is the only thing we can do....I am the only single person amongst my friends.  there are singles groups in my area but the members are people that I don't want to be friends with...not in a mean way but I have no interest in knitting, or hiking or poetry or chess or astrology or any such thing.  I have been crying so hard lately that one of my customers says it looks like I've been smoking pot all weekend...thanks teddy!  I have been on my knees and pretty much every other position crying out to the Lord and am hearing nothing.  Please don't tell me He is still there (I guess I know that) or that things will get better...or any of the other "pat" excuses because I've heard them all and I don't want to hear them anymore (sorry)...I just want to know what, if any of you have felt so hopeless and alone, have done to get through this.  I really just want to take my dog and run and never come back.  I'm tired of being everyone's problem solver, slave, bitching board, door mat, bank and caregiver.  I want to start taking care of myself but I don't even know how.  I hate being in our house...well I should say my father's house...he has made it very clear in so many words, that it is his house and I have come to the conclusion that it IS his house and I am just an employee even though I don't get paid.  Do I sound angry?  I'm not angry, I'm just sad and frustrated and defeated.  I wish I was angry. I can get over the anger, it's these other things that I can't get over and that is what scares me...and again....I CANNOT move out, it is impossible right now due to finances....it isn't even an option or else I would have done so long ago.  I simply cannot do it right now.

[clementine]

Your children are grown, this should be the time for you to start taking care of yourself.  Is there any way you can move out of your parents' house and into someplace of your own, but also stay close to them?  

 

I don't blame you for being frustrated.  It sounds like you are at a crossroad & you just need to pick a direction and go.  

[HS Mom in NC]

My church members have been a great support to me.  How's your church community?

 

It may be your father's house, but you're his daughter, not his slave.  Do you have boundary issues?  I so, you may need to see a professional counselor who can help you see what lines your father is over-stepping and how you can react when he does. That person could also help you with finding respite care for your parents so you can recharge and how to deal with your deadbeat siblings.

[PrincessMommy]

How do you feel about putting your parents in a home?  Are you there caring for them because they need it or because you're financially dependent?   Caring for a mean, unkind parent by yourself is not what the 5th commandment is about.   It sounds like you would benefit greatly from stepping away from this.  :grouphug:

 

about the friends issue... I just don't know.  At one point I decided to embrace the loneliness and become satisfied with being alone (it helps that I'm an introvert too).  Then slowly I came to a place where I was able to build up a few friends over the years.  Some of my best friends have been unmarried, no kids women...so you never know who you may connect with.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think the first thing to do is to get out of an abusive situation with your father.  Who owns the house?  You?  Him?  Can you afford even a small apartment on your own?  I would move heaven and earth to find a way to live independently.  Then I would call a family meeting with the siblings (but not your parents at this point).  Tell them that you are no longer available to be an unpaid caretaker for your parents.  Figure out together if they need to go into assisted living, or need to hire caretakers or what.  If you own the house then the goal is to have them move into a situation where they will get the care they need without you.  If they own the house then the goal is to have you move into an independent situation while their needs are still cared for in some way.  And yes, it might mean that the other siblings have to pony up.  

[LostSurprise]

I do agree with clementine. 

 

What do you want in a friend? It would be easier to decide what kind of person you like and then look for some organization you can join to meet those people. It really sounds like you need some new connections and a new direction for your life. What do you love? 

[hornblower]

Aren't your dd's 20 & 27?  Why can't you move out?

[Crimson Wife]

  I really just want to take my dog and run and never come back.  I'm tired of being everyone's problem solver, slave, bitching board, door mat, bank and caregiver. 

 

Yes, BTDT and it's exhausting. {{{hugs}}}

 

Seeing my doctor for antidepressant medication as needed has helped. I need to be able to function and I can't do that when I'm feeling overwhelmed and exhausted.

 

I know that mental health treatment is controversial in some Christian circles but the way I see it is akin to treating any other biochemical imbalance. I wouldn't try to "pray away" diabetes or hypothyroidism but would take insulin/Synthroid as needed. Depression is the same in my book.

[justasque]

Have you specifically asked your siblings for help?  Have you discussed with them exactly what kind of help you need, and listened to what they feel they can provide?  It sounds like it's time to reopen that discussion.  If you are living with your parents, your siblings may think you have it covered, and they may not know that you need help, or what kind of help you need.  Sit down with them, keep an open mind about possibilities, and hash out how you can make all this work.  Are there things they can do to help you stay there - respite care, covering specific tasks you've grown to hate (cleaning, perhaps, or some of the meal prep), taking the parents on weekly outings, etc.?  Paying for some of those things to be done by others?  Or is it time for you to move out of the on-site, 24/7 caretaker role?  

What do your daughters want moving forward?  Would they like you all to get an apartment together?  You could probably get a job doing elder care if nothing else, which might pay enough to make it work if you are careful and if your daughters help.  

See if, at minimum, you can start with a bit of respite care from siblings and daughters, so you can go on a mini-vaca and clear your head a bit.  

As to friends - have you considered a support group for people who are caring for elderly parents?

[Crimson Wife]

I would also look into the possibility that your father is suffering from depression and is taking it out on you. Anger and irritibility can be symptoms of depression, particularly in men who are "too macho" to cry. Depression in spouses of those with dementia is SUPER common.

[Crimson Wife]

As to friends - have you considered a support group for people who are caring for elderly parents?

 

That's a good idea. Check out http://www.alz.org/apps/we_can_help/support_groups.asp

 

[maize]

Yes, BTDT and it's exhausting. {{{hugs}}}

 

Seeing my doctor for antidepressant medication as needed has helped. I need to be able to function and I can't do that when I'm feeling overwhelmed and exhausted.

 

I know that mental health treatment is controversial in some Christian circles but the way I see it is akin to treating any other biochemical imbalance. I wouldn't try to "pray away" diabetes or hypothyroidism but would take insulin/Synthroid as needed. Depression is the same in my book.

This.

 

And move out of your parents' home.

[maize]

I would also look into the possibility that your father is suffering from depression and is taking it out on you. Anger and irritibility can be symptoms of depression, particularly in men who are "too macho" to cry. Depression in spouses of those with dementia is SUPER common.

I agree with the first part of this, but it doesn't have to do with being "too macho".

 

It's just different hormones at work in men that makes them react to depression with more irritability/anger rather than weepiness.

[Journey]

to answer some of the questions asked...no we cannot move out...rents around here start at $1,000 a month.  I make $400 a week. Car insurance is $2000 a year.  Car payments are $600 a month along with my other bills....I cannot afford to move out.  My father owns the house as I said...it's his house, not mine.  I cannot put them into an assisted living because my mother cannot do anything for herself (they are both 90) and they cannot afford the $9,000 a month nursing home for her and $4000 a month assisted living for him, if he would even go which he won't.  My siblings don't give a crap believe me when I tell you.  My one brother is a millionaire but he says he can't help because it's his wife's money (she inherited it from her uncle) my other brother is the cheapest person I know and he probably still has the first dollar he made and my third brother has nothing to do with this family (notice I don't say MY family).  There is an aide that comes in 4-5 times per week to help get my mom fed and in bed and they do light housekeeping so that does help some but we are required to be there to get her up every morning and the nights that the aid isn't there we are also required to get them dinner but I have backed off on that.  I barely speak to my father and when I say barely I mean probably 3 times per week.  If I could use the word hate I would when saying how I feel about him.  Yes, hornblower, my daughters are 20 and 27 what does that matter?  if I could move out I would whether they are 20 and 27 or 2 and 7 or 40 and 47.  it takes money to move out and unfortunately I don't have enough to do that or otherwise, obviously I would.  believe me when I say I am not making excuses.  there is literally no way we can move out, we are stuck....I could probably go on welfare, well maybe I couldn't I probably make too much.  I know there is no right answer here, maybe I'm just venting and hoping that someone might say something I haven't thought of.  I have not a problem with taking an anti depressant except that I'm afraid of the side effects and besides the fact that I don't think they would help with the loneliness.  This whole thing is such an ugly and unfortunate mess. People say...there are worse things that could happen and I know that but this is my "real" right now and I am struggling, I am grateful that it isn't worse but it's pretty bad. 

[justasque]

.I could probably go on welfare, well maybe I couldn't I probably make too much. 

That would be something that might be worth investigating, just so you understand more about the options you have.

 

Are your daughters working?  Do they make any money?  Would they contribute to household expenses if you moved out with them?

 

Also - has your father been to the doctor recently?  Sometimes "meanness" is due to a physical issue, such as early dementia or a urinary tract infection.  

[clementine]

I am sorry.   :grouphug:  I hope someone has some BTDT advice that would work for you.

 

Are your daughters in an apartment?  Do they have an available room to rent to you?  

 

Do you have low-income apartments nearby that take into account your income to determine rent amount?

 

Check Craigslist for people looking for a roomate? 

 

Could you trade to a car with no payment, and old enough to lower your insurance?

 

I want you to find something that will make things a little easier for you.  

 

 

[TechWife]

:grouphug: - I wish I could help. 

[bolt.]

Honestly, I get a bit witchy-with-a-capital-B right back at people, until they clue in that they get "nice" from me by being nice to me... Not by walking all over me. Those people (in this situation) are killing your spirit, with your full consent, and it's no wonder that your spiritual and emotional life is suffering.

 

So, fine, you have to live there. You don't have to do much there (other than sleep) and you don't have to be nice about it.

 

Maybe make a list for yourself of what you see as your true obligations: basic human courtesy, plus keeping any still-legitimate promises, plus anything that you ethically can't allow yourself not to do. Stick to that as a baseline, and decide yes-or-no about other things based on how you are feeling, and how you are being treated.

 

Figure out how to say, "No" or "Not now" in a clear but casual-sounding way; and have a plan to 'just happen' to leave the room shortly thereafter... Even if someone is still talking to you.

 

Go out a lot. Also, find some headphones.

[bolt.]

Also, if you are thinking about moving out... Think outside the box.

 

Staying in "this area" is optional.

Owning a car is optional.

 

I kind of depends on how badly you want which things. Staring from scratch in a totally new (more affordable) area is very hard... But I'm not sure it's harder than what you are living with now. I'm not saying it's the right call, just that it's probably worth weighing out.

[LucyStoner]

What promises did your dad make that he's not keeping? I would see what I could do about making it clear that your caregiving services aren't free and he needs to make good. If that's not possible, I would start figuring out where I could move to.

 

Are your 20 and 27 year old daughters working or in school?

[LucyStoner]

Also, look into a caregiver support group.

[catz]

I really don't think everyone is capable mentally, physically, or financially to be a full time, long term caretaker.  If it's not working for you, feel empowered to make a change.  If you are suffering from anxiety and/or depression, see someone.  I think this is a case where you need to put on your oxygen mask first.  :grouphug:

[Guest]

Why are your car payments and insurance so high?

[TechWife]

Why are your car payments and insurance so high?

 

Those are reasonable amounts for auto insurance and car payments in our area, especially with multiple drivers & vehicles. They aren't "high" at all to me. I think we need to trust that the OP has her expenses to a minimum for her area. She hasn't asked for financial advice or to be questioned over how she manages her finances, she has asked for moral support. 

[kroe1]

It sounds like every single door and window is shut for you. Therefore, get a lawyer (or go online) and draw up a contract for your dad to sign that gives you the house, power of attorney, etc. if he refuses to sign, then you have some decisions to make. Start with baby steps. Go enroll in one class somewhere that will teach you a skill that will make you money. Otherwise, your entire life may not change ever, right?

[Guest]

Those are reasonable amounts for auto insurance and car payments in our area, especially with multiple drivers & vehicles. They aren't "high" at all to me. I think we need to trust that the OP has her expenses to a minimum for her area. She hasn't asked for financial advice or to be questioned over how she manages her finances, she has asked for moral support.

No, she asked what other people do when they feel like nothing is going right. My answer is that I would change something. Sell the car and take a bus so I can afford rent, make sure older children are paying what they can, etc. Who made you policewoman of the thread?

[LucyStoner]

Those are reasonable amounts for auto insurance and car payments in our area, especially with multiple drivers & vehicles. They aren't "high" at all to me. I think we need to trust that the OP has her expenses to a minimum for her area. She hasn't asked for financial advice or to be questioned over how she manages her finances, she has asked for moral support.

While I see your point, this poster has more than 1/2 of her income going to transportation (unless she spends nothing on gas or repairs) and more than 1/3 just to car payments. If that is what has her trapped in an abusive situation, then it stands to reason someone will point that out. There are much cheaper used car options than 2 for 600 a month, even if she can't afford to buy a car with cash. Especially because why does she need two cars? If one if for her adult daughters, they need to be taking care of those expenses.

 

Sometimes change requires totally rearranging and letting go of assumptions.

[Susan in TN]

You seem to be a person of faith - do you have a church/religious family you can go to for help? Is there a different church or organization that can offer assistance? Sometimes we are in an area for so long that we stop seeing the options that are nearby. I hope you are able to find something soon.

 

If nothing else, I might get out and try participating in a group even if you are not particularly interested in the activity. Some positive personal interaction might be a relief. When I am feeling stressed and anxious, the last thing I want is to be around people, but it is often what I really need.

[Joanne]

OP,

 

You sound clinically depressed. A common symptom of that is that people begin to live in a tunnel of choices that get narrower and narrower. Untreated depression often convinces people they haves less say and less power than they actually *do* have.

 

I think that might be your situation. What I see from the outside is a lot of passivity, a lot of being in a position to be exploited, and resentful. You do not have any prosocial or supportive factors in your life. All the factors that serve to buffer and sustain people are not present in your world OR are compromised.

 

You do have choices/ways. You need to be treated, you need to get out, you need more income, you need less expenses that don't match your current circumstances. Those are do-able, but not with a depressed brain.

 

Please 1) get treated and 2) be willing to make some very radical changes

 

[Crimson Wife]

 Staying in "this area" is optional.

Owning a car is optional.

 

I kind of depends on how badly you want which things. Staring from scratch in a totally new (more affordable) area is very hard... But I'm not sure it's harder than what you are living with now. I'm not saying it's the right call, just that it's probably worth weighing out.

 

I can't speak to the OP, but I would have a very hard time walking out on my mom in this situation. Now as soon as she passed, I'd give the dad a "shape up or I'm shipping out" ultimatum.

[MotherGoose]

I am no expert on eldercare, but if they qualify for Medicaid, which they should if they have no assets, they (your mom at least) should be able to go into a nursing home. They would have to spend down any assets they may have. I don't know how much Medicaid/Medicare pays for assisted living, if anything. I would think that perhaps your county departme of social services might have a social worker who could help?

 

I saw my MIL go through something similar with her mother. Her mother basically demanded that she live in the house with her, take care of her full time, and wouldn't do much or any respite care. MIL has significant boundary issues too, and wouldn't set boundaries. She couldn't even go to the store without going through elaborate means to get someone to sit with her mother. It was like having an infant, but an infant you couldn't lift, put into a car seat, and take with you. It was extremely isolating and I felt she should have set some boundaries. MIL marriage was already troubled, but I believe this situaton accelerated the end of her marriage. If you are able to work, it sounds like things aren't this dire yet, but I expect it will become that way. MIL also had two siblings that did basically nothing for the mother, and MIL never sat down with them and demanded, nicely, that they do something for their mother.

[Journey]

okay let me make this as simple as I possibly can and I will try to cover everything that has been asked or assumed.  We (my two daughters and I) are not financially able to move out.  When we moved out of our old house, the money I was spending on rent is now spent on two cars.  I had to sell our old cars, one a 2002 and the other a 1999.  I bought a 2011 and lease a 2013 (leasing was cheaper than buying so I leased the second car).  Our insurance is high because I have a newer driver and my 27 year old learning disabled/developmentally disabled daughter didn't get her license until 3 years ago.  (I sell insurance so I know how the rates work and $2000 is not a lot in this area.  Both of my cars have full coverage on them because they have to.  Even if I were to sell one or both of them and take a bus, that is still not going to cover a rent payment and utilities.  Before we moved in my father, myself and my daughters sat down and made an agreement.  No we did not get anything in writing because he is my father why would I think we would have needed one. The agreement was that I would NOT cook dinner every night of the week and that my youngest daughter's room was not going to be a spotless museum.  She is a slob but her bedroom door is ALWAYS closed.  He knew this from the start and he agreed to it.  He now assumes that her room should be spotless and that I should cook a full course dinner 6 nights per week.  That is NOT going to happen especially with the way he is treating us.  I very rarely speak to him anymore, mostly for my sanity.  My 27 year old DD/LD daughter holds a part time job because she can't work full time and my younger daughter goes to school full time and works part time.  her last paycheck was $36.  She can't work more than 15 hours a week with a full time school schedule and hold a high B average.  Finals are upon her hence the reason for the $36 paycheck.  Many of you have suggested we just pack up and move out as if it were that easy but as one posted said, I could never do that to my mother.  I dont' even think I could do it to my father but if we had a place to go then I would very much consider and probably do it.  I was told previously that I would be getting the house and my brothers said they want nothing from this man and that I SHOULD get everything but that was back when I was thePOA now my oldest brother and my father have changed all that around without filling me in so I have no idea what is going on.  I do know that once my parents are gone I will have nothing to do with my brothers or their families again because of what they are (or aren't) doing to help out now.  My dad isn't going to just sign something and hand over his house to me.  I like reading all of the replies  but I literally have to shake my head at some of them because people think it's so easy to up and sell the cars and move out like it's no big thing.  Maybe where you come from it isn't but in my town, it isn't that simple, honestly if it was don't you think I would have by now?  My good friend offered us an entire house for $650 a month which is unheard of around here but then there are things like utilities, and everything else.  again, not so easy when you make $400 a week.  So there you have it.  again, thanks for the suggestions even though not one of them is one I haven't thought about.  like I said in my post, I am just looking for someone who might have, by some chance been in my situation and found a way out.

Mothergoose.....the house has to be out of my father's name for 5 years in order to do what you suggest.  he has planned very well....long term care insurance ect...he is a very smart man and we have had several meetings with several people to try to figure this out in the past,.

 

[MotherGoose]

Have you spoken to an eldercare attorney? Again I am no expert and I am sorry for what you are going through. I thought that the house didn't have to be sold out from under the husband who still needed a home. They would have to spend down assets to a certain point. He has LTC but she doesn't? (Just clarifying, I know there are plenty of couples who have things set up different ways). Also does your 27 yo get SSI? My MIL did end up with the house, her mother left it to her in her will. I guess in her situation they didn't have to sell the house because MIL was doing the work of a nursing home. I don't think he should sign it over to you before death because if he does, as I understand it, you will end up having to pay more taxes than if it was left to you via a will. I would, though, want to be very clear about all the assets being left to me in a will to the exclusion of siblings if I were going to do all of this. And I'd want it in a will, not verbally.

[justasque]

again, thanks for the suggestions even though not one of them is one I haven't thought about.  like I said in my post, I am just looking for someone who might have, by some chance been in my situation and found a way out.

Oh honey.  I know it's frustrating when people suggest things that won't work in your circumstances.  People are trying.  But things like this are usually complex, and posters usually don't know much from an initial post.  As they ask questions and find out more about the specifics of your situation, they might get to more helpful suggestions.  Hang in there.  

 

 

[Saddlemomma]

I have not read the other responses.  I learned the hard way that I can't be a doormat for anyone.

 

1. Dad, you asked me to come here to help you -- not be your slave.  From now on you will be respectful to me at all times. 
2. Furthermore, since you do keep reminding me that it's your house, from now on you will need to pay me $___/hr. as an employee.
3. If this is not acceptable to you, we will agree to dissolve this relationship; however, you will need to pay me $__________ in back wages so that I may obtain other living arrangements wherever I decide to move to. (At this point, you can move to a less expensive area in the same state or go somewhere totally new.)
4. Explore any social services benefits you may be able to have access to.
5. Look into selling your car and getting something cheaper that would only require liability insurance
6. If your DDs are on your car insurance -- GET THEM OFF.  They are old enough to pay for their own or have them pay for their portion of your bill.
7. Look into a potential second job two or three days a week.  Use that money to either pay down bills or sock away for alternate living arrangements.
8. There are three of you (I'm assuming from your posts that your DDs want out too?) so pool your resources. Take turns getting the dinners; getting Mom up so that you can work the 2nd job if necessary.

I don't have any pat answers for you. Life is hard -- it's supposed to be.  God did not promise us a rose garden.  In fact, what He did promise was persecution and tribulation...but, He did promise to be with us through those times, whether you feel Him there or not.  Take a deep breath, pull yourself up by your bootstraps, and get firm with your father.

 

Other than the above, all I can offer you are :grouphug: .  Hopefully, at least one of these suggestions may be helpful to you.

[Crimson Wife]

{{{hugs}}}

 

I would definitely talk to the local disability rights organization about what assistance programs your 27 y.o. might qualify for. She might be able to get SSI to complement her PT earnings and a voucher towards housing.

 

When does your younger daughter expect to graduate?

 

You might not be able to do anything right away, but I would definitely work towards building an exit plan. That's where I am right now. Not planning on ending my marriage or anything that drastic but it became clear to me last year that I need to get myself in a position where I can bring in a steady income with benefits. And get us out of the crazy expensive San Francisco area.

[Crimson Wife]

 

If your DDs are on your car insurance -- GET THEM OFF.  They are old enough to pay for their own or have them pay for their portion of your bill.

 

There are three of you (I'm assuming from your posts that your DDs want out too?) so pool your resources. Take turns getting the dinners; getting Mom up so that you can work the 2nd job if necessary.

 

The fact that the 27 y.o. is disabled makes things tricky. I don't know whether my disabled child will be able to live independently when she's 27. Unfortunately, there's a fairly high probability that she might not given that she's dealing with multiple special needs. It's a tough situation that the OP is in.

[Anne in CA]

Honestly, the thing to do is figure out how to make more than $400 a week. You could make more than that as an independent house keeper. If it were not for the two older girls I would say you should get a nanny job ASAP and just move and let the chips fall where they may. Yes, you love your mother, but you have brothers and they should be helping, and once you move out at least the one with the power of attorney WILL figure something out.When you leave you would need to explain to the caregiver who comes currently that you are leaving and to notify the authorities that the two of them are all alone with no help. Someone WILL take authority. Will it be perfect? No. What is going on right now is not perfect either, because you are about to snap.

 

Also, there are jobs where you live on site. Did you know that most storage units have an on site apartment that an employee lives in? There are jobs on ships (not just cruise ships but other kinds), the forest service hires lookouts, nanny, ect. Most Aramak caters food at many national parks hires summer staff and put them up too. If you could arrange for your kids to be independent you could do something like that, save your money and move out on your own, but in your income bracket I think you are going to have to have a room mate.

 

The REAL trouble here, is that you are tired and worn out and not able to use your imagination to make changes. Your father has worn you out, having a special needs child has worn you out and you need to be refilled and not be an endless well that other people draw from. From your posts here I think of you as a loving person, but you need to love yourself first.

 

 

 

[LucyStoner]

Your parents are both 90? Regardless of the current situation, you are on a collision course to end up homeless after your parents both die, which could be sometime quite soon. You need to get looped in on the plan for the house once they die. It sounds to me that you could very well have no where to go at all if they both pass away.

 

Also, what sort of assistance do you get? You should be able to get food stamps for you and your daughters if you are earning that little. If your older daughter cannot work FT, have you looked into SSI for her? if you have SSI, food stamps and $1600 a month income you would potentially be able to afford the rental your friend offered you if you got down to 1 car payment. Even if you didn't move out, it would help get you to the point where you can move out later.

 

Is the primary source of conflict meals? I don't think that expecting you and your 20 and 27 year old daughters to each cook 2-3 nights a week is unreasonable in exchange for free rent. Don't do it for him, do it for her and for each other. If you don't want to eat with him, set his meal out in the kitchen and go eat outside or in another room. They don't need to be complicated meals. Pick 1-2 of your dad's favorites, 1-2 of your favorites, 2-3 of your daughter's favorites and make a meal schedule for the week. As for your daughter's room, ignore any of his complaints provided it isn't hazardous or stinky.

[MercyA]

I wish I had an answer for you, but I just wanted to say that I admire you for taking care of your parents.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  and prayers.

[Catwoman]

I'm so sorry, Journey. :(

 

I have a feeling that things would be much different if it wasn't for your mom being ill. You don't trust your father to take good care of her and your brothers are unreliable, so you are stuck. :grouphug:

 

I think it's time to set up a meeting with your father and brothers and lay things on the line with them. You want your name on the house so when your parents pass away, it will be yours free and clear. If your father won't agree to that, tell him and your brothers that you will no longer be working for free. Room and board are not enough payment for the amount of work and stress you are dealing with -- and you need to be able to save some money if you won't be getting the house and will eventually need to find another place to live.

 

I know it will be hard, but I sincerely believe you need to get tough and get things in writing. I don't think you have anything to lose by standing up for yourself, because you know your brothers don't want the physical responsibility for your parents' care, and it would cost them a fortune to hire 24/7 live-in help.

[Tammi K]

...I cannot afford to move out.  My father owns the house as I said...it's his house, not mine.  I cannot put them into an assisted living because my mother cannot do anything for herself (they are both 90)

 

It occurs to me that with the ages of your parents you will soon be in a situation where you will need to make alternate living arrangements for yourself.  While it is possible your parents could live for many years, is it likely?   Are you going to have the resources to move then? Are your siblings going to jump in a take a share of the settlement?  I understand that you feel like you CAN'T move out right now, but are you sure you will be able to rise to the challenge when you parents are gone? WiIl your life situation/income/etc change when that happens?  

 

I say this very gently because you are in a hard place but I think you would do better to figure out how you CAN move out rather than why you can't.  Women walk away from abusive relationships and start over. It isn't easy but if they can do it, so can you.

[Crimson Wife]

 

  Women walk away from abusive relationships and start over. It isn't easy but if they can do it, so can you.

 

Could you walk away from an emotionally-but-not-physically abusive situation if you had to leave a very vulnerable loved one behind? I've never been in that situation so I'm not sure what I would do. But I can certainly understand why someone might not want to leave, particularly if it seemed likely to be only temporary (sooner or later one parent is likely to pass on).

 

[justasque]

my child support is ending in two months, ...

OP, I wonder if this is both a financial and an emotional thing for you?  It severs another tie between you and your exdh - that could be upsetting.  It is another reason that you may want to consider working on the depression part first.  Do you have a doctor you can see, or someone who can recommend an appropriate professional?  Do you think your parents' doctor would have resources for you regarding caretaker burn-out, etc.?

 

Also - Just to clarify - Is this why your income will be so low?  Where does your $400/week come from?  Is that from your parents in return for their care, or is it from some other source?  Not being nosy, just trying to understand.

[Catwoman]

Could you walk away from an emotionally-but-not-physically abusive situation if you had to leave a very vulnerable loved one behind? I've never been in that situation so I'm not sure what I would do. But I can certainly understand why someone might not want to leave, particularly if it seemed likely to be only temporary (sooner or later one parent is likely to pass on).

 

Same here. If her mom wasn't in the picture, I'm sure Journey would be handling the whole situation much differently. I can understand why she doesn't want to leave her mother.

[PrincessMommy]

You say your dad has long-term care insurance... I thought that would cover assisted living expenses..esp for someone in your mother's current condition.  i have a friend whose mom has long-term care and dementia... Having a facility for her has been a sanity saver for my friend.  It's all paid for by her mom's LT insurance care.  

 

  Are there dementia units near where you live?   Maybe calling a few facilities directly and telling them your situation with your mom would be helpful?  I bet they know how to move heaven and earth to get patients admitted.    Just a suggestion... so sorry it's all very frustrating for you.  :grouphug:

[elegantlion]

What you are going through is tough even when you have good emotional support.  :grouphug:  :grouphug: I'm sorry you're there right now and I wish for things to change for the better. Be kind to yourself even if the world seems like it's against you. 

[Cinder]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[datgh]

:grouphug:  Being a care giver in this situation plus working is exhausting even for the most hearty of us and I think when dealing with a parent with demensia it is doubly hard.  I lasted two weeks with my MIL at our house. My sister-in-law lasted a month.  My hats off to you for sticking it out and taking care of your Mom in such a difficult situation.

 

Since it sounds like you are the main care giver for much of the time, is there any chance you can get paid by medicare for your services? I thought I had heard somewhere that this is possible but it has been a while.

 

Are there any other family members besides siblings or possibly close friends who may be of help to you as in checking on your Dad.  My Dad would never take advice from any of us kids but from one of his peers it was a different story.  You need an advocate in your corner.

[Joanne]

 I like reading all of the replies  but I literally have to shake my head at some of them because people think it's so easy to up and sell the cars and move out like it's no big thing.  Maybe where you come from it isn't but in my town, it isn't that simple, honestly if it was don't you think I would have by now?  My good friend offered us an entire house for $650 a month which is unheard of around here but then there are things like utilities, and everything else.  again, not so easy when you make $400 a week.  So there you have it.  again, thanks for the suggestions even though not one of them is one I haven't thought about.  like I said in my post, I am just looking for someone who might have, by some chance been in my situation and found a way out.

 

 

Sorry, Journey, you don't get a pass for this.You know your situation is unique enough that no one has been in it.You posted the important info first, and added barriers such as a special needs very grown dd later.

 

I was gentle and encouraging in my post to you - and you never addressed the repeated suggestions that you get treated for depression.

 

You are being held hostage by a lot of adults: your brothers, your parents, your own grown kids. You were GIVEN an out, but didn't take it. You chose, instead, to continue to try to make an untenable situation work.

 

And then you blame us when we identify the barriers to life success inherent in your situation.

 

I lived a very, very difficult life from about 2006 to 2014. Worked my ass off in stupid jobs, dealt with out of control, difficult people, rarely saw my kids. My "way out" was to take and work nearly every single job the universe sent my way, to get more education, to distance myself for toxicity (even my own relatives as necessary). It had many trade offs: I am obese, I am worried about my health, I am not "where I should be" at 50, I was too tired for my kids......But I am glad I chose action and to not stay "stuck" in passive victim mode while the universe battered me and people told me to move and I stayed wondering why things don't get better.