goldberry Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 I am far too emotionally involved in my DD16's personal life. I know this, but am having trouble distancing myself. DD is a talker, so she always tells me everything going on with friendships, etc. She just recently had her first boy/girl thing. Nothing serious, but just some texting/emailing. We were monitoring texts/emails to make sure nothing inappropriate was going on. But for me I became overly involved in "she said this, why did she say that, she should have said blah blah". Short summary is that last weekend boy wanted to be "just friends" again, mainly because DD went totally overboard and possessive on him (probably in the manner of a million other young girls everywhere). So... I talked to her as a mom about how boys think differently from girls, etc. Comforted they crying. The usual. But then I have been checking her emails and texts again obsessively to see if "she gets it". Last night I was up for hours with anxiety about this whole thing. I am making myself crazy and this is not normal! I so want her to understand certain things (about life, friendship, boys, etc.) I am a logical person who knows that she has to arrive at these things on her own, and that this is not really my business. I need to disengage, but am having trouble with that line between parenting and overly involved. I thought of having my DH do the monitoring rather than me, but DH can be very over-reactive and I don't think that would go well. He has a hard time with "young girl" thoughts and behavior, which is why I was monitoring rather than him. I thought about stopping monitoring altogether unless something "triggers" it and I feel it's needed. But I know that reading certain things has helped me to understand what she is going through better. She talks to me constantly, but what she tells me doesn't always give the nuance that the conversations give. Should I just let go of that? Is it really better not to know? Advice please! And please, if you disagree with monitoring altogether, I don't want that argument right now. We feel as parents we have a responsibility to check certain things. DD has always been aware that email/texts/whatever is open to viewing. If you think that's "total violation of privacy" we can have that conversation another time, but not right now. I'm looking for advice about how to parent without becoming overly involved emotionally. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 Maybe reduce your monitoring to spot checking? It does sound like you need to pull back, your dd needs some space to work out her own issues and make her way into adulthood. It's OK for you to not know every nuance of every situation, and it is OK--in fact healthy--for her to make a few mistakes and stub her toes while still in a relatively protected environment. It is awesome that she is open and talks to you so much :) 17 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 Just want to add: you think it's tough to back off when they're teens... imagine how hard it is when they're 20-something and you're REALLY supposed to back off! :) 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 Do you see anyone for your anxiety? Maybe they could offer tips? I tend to get obsessive over things that make me anxious. If she's open and talking to you, is there a need to monitor the texts and email at all anymore? 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted April 23, 2015 Author Share Posted April 23, 2015 It is awesome that she is open and talks to you so much :) Yes it is! She is very open! And I know she has a right to some privacy and me not knowing every single thing. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MysteryJen Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 Monitoring is fine, but sometimes it is harder for the parents than the teen. I have teens that don't talk that much, and I do monitor a little (it was a condition of getting an email account). I have had to make a rule for myself that I don't bring up anything unless it is very serious. I will talk to them if they mention things, but otherwise I keep quiet. This is surprisingly hard, but they have surprised me with their maturity in dealing with some difficult situations. Talk once about the situation. Then don't bring it up again. Write in a journal, talk to a friend, but don't get involved in teen things unless absolutely, positively necessary. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted April 23, 2015 Author Share Posted April 23, 2015 Do you see anyone for your anxiety? Maybe they could offer tips? I tend to get obsessive over things that make me anxious. If she's open and talking to you, is there a need to monitor the texts and email at all anymore? I don't see anyone, but I have been on meds for depression/anxiety since I had really bad PPD after DD was born. Maybe I need some extra for the teenage years! I do lean toward anxiety/obsessiveness. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joules Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 nm, just re-read post more correctly :-). I don't really have much in the way of suggestions, but I completely sympathize with trying to deal with the anxiety of parenting. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 If she's open and talking to you, is there a need to monitor the texts and email at all anymore? :iagree: My dd talks to me daily. She often seeks me out to hang out and chat. If she continues to communicate with you and you have no reason to suspect deception, perhaps back off of monitoring would be good for both of you. You could back down gradually, so she knows you still check, but not check everything, so you aren't becoming obsessive about all her personal interactions. (She doesn't need to know how much or how often you check, just that you do check) 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 You are probably going to have to learn to meditate, think self soothing thoughts, and hope for the best. Teens are so difficult for me because they still need so much, but they are supposed to be learning to do things for themselves and knowing what to do and when to do it is hard. I don't think it's easy for anyone else if it makes you feel better. Yes, some people are more empathetic toward teens than others, but no one always knows the right thing to do. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 Ah, here is where older brothers prove their worth. I do not have to coach dd-boy interactions because her brothers have given her all the insight she needs to "speak boy." And if she needs advice or a correction, they let her know. OP, most of us would probably admit that our first forays into b-g relationships were awkward, perhaps even painful to recall! I understand your monitoring her for safety reasons, but you will drive yourself mad trying to be a dialogue coach! Let her learn as she goes and make a policy with yourself that you will always wait until (when/if) she comes to you for advice before interjecting your opinion. She is not you; she will not speak as you do. Let her be, unless she reaches a big true problem. I agree with the others that perhaps it would be good to let dad handle the monitoring for a while. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 Engage in something else. Invest that time and mental energy into something for you. Meds alone aren't always enough for periods of high anxiety. Consider seeing some one for some solutions focused therapy. At minimum see someone for medication managment. It might be time to increase your dose or change your medication slightly. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 And for what it's worth, teens who know their folks monitor texts just delete messages they don't want parents to see. So you could be "cut off" at any time. I don't mean to say that your dd would become deceptive, but be careful to not let your anxiousness drive her to it. Better to wean yourself now. 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted April 23, 2015 Author Share Posted April 23, 2015 but be careful to not let your anxiousness drive her to it. . YES. This is what I don't want. I just had a talk with her and apologized that I have been overly intrusive lately with advice and interfering. I let her know that I would try to do better at letting her manage things on her own. She appreciated what I said. Saying it out loud will help me stick to it. 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 (((goldberry))) Way back when people told me that parenting isn't for the faint of heart, I didn't consider how it would apply to the teenage years. I was drowning in little kid stuff. But parenting young adults is a challenge. Many days I feel like a first time parent all over again! You will find your groove. And dd will remember that you respected her and didn't go all authoritarian during the learning curve. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catherine Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 Count me amongst the monitors. I think it's wonderful that you and your daughter have conversations about her relationships. You must have a strong relationship and that is sooooo valuable. Really, it sounds like the problem is more that you are upset and anxious about the situation. Keep talking. Try to remember your own adolescence and how awkward things were. Meditate. I think coaching her is very appropriate. Just because some kids don't seek or accept this from their parents, it doesn't mean you shouldn't. Also, maybe there is a book out there to help her cope with boundaries? Hold Onto Your Kids gets into some of this and might be worth a read or re-read. One thing I have told my kids many times is that choosing to engage in romance when you are not seeking marriage means there WILL be broken hearts, rejection (and rejecting is as hard as being rejected IMO), and even perhaps the risk of unplanned pregnancy. It's not so much that I am trying to discourage them from engaging in dating relationships, more that I want them to remember that no one is entitled to have the enjoyment without the risks. And getting hurt is a risk. Truth be told, I'd rather they wait until they were more mature. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted April 23, 2015 Author Share Posted April 23, 2015 One thing I have told my kids many times is that choosing to engage in romance when you are not seeking marriage means there WILL be broken hearts, rejection (and rejecting is as hard as being rejected IMO), and even perhaps the risk of unplanned pregnancy. It's not so much that I am trying to discourage them from engaging in dating relationships, more that I want them to remember that no one is entitled to have the enjoyment without the risks. And getting hurt is a risk. Truth be told, I'd rather they wait until they were more mature. We share your viewpoint. God help this girl when she gets to the full-on dating situations! This was "she likes him, he kinda likes her" thing, so we decided that texting/email might be an appropriate and low-key way for her to learn more about interacting with guys. Problem is, lovely DD is ANYTHING but low-key! ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 I only spot=check and even then it is usually because general behavior makes me think it is warranted. For me, spotchecking is for catching big stuff like p*rn and s*xting, not for monitoring the smaller intricacies of a relationship. 18 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MBM Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 My 17-year-old son is completely smitten with his girlfriend, who seems to feel the same. I am worried about the possibility of a future breakup. It can be really hard on young people. My son will be going to a university near us but his girlfriend is probably going to school in San Diego (waiting to see if she gets off a waitlist at my son's school). My $.02 of advice for teens who are feeling hurt after a breakup is to help them understand that their feelings will be temporary but might last awhile. A person's brain after a painful breakup looks like a brain after a painful injury according to brain scan studies that I've read about. So, the pain is real. It sounds like your daughter confides in you which is great. Just let her know that if the pain ever becomes unbearable, that you will always be there at any time. That can be very comforting just to know. I also tell my kids to continue spending time with their other friends, continue making new friends and to try new activities because having a group of caring buddies and activities can help take their minds off of the difficult times in life. As for your own anxiety, I think you should stop the monitoring for awhile. You could also try journaling exactly what bad things you're thinking could happen. I do this when I'm catastrophizing and it helps me realize that I'm worrying too much. I also meditate. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 I only spot=check and even then it is usually because general behavior makes me think it is warranted. For me, spotchecking is for catching big stuff like p*rn and s*xting, not for monitoring the smaller intricacies of a relationship. This is what I do as well. I have no doubt I would make myself crazy if I read all dds' texts and viewed them often. I mostly check for new numbers or contacts (so not actually reading anything) to make sure I know who dds are talking with but I only do that every now and then. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 I thought about stopping monitoring altogether unless something "triggers" it and I feel it's needed. Do this. Retain the right to monitor it, but don't. I understand how/why you want to stay on top of it, but I agree with your self-assessment. I had to do this with my kid's texts and I didn't enjoy it; I wanted to keep right on couseling about everything I thought my kid should do better or differently. But the reality is that my teens have to learn how to best interact with friends and bf/gfs. A lot of it is trial and error, just like it was for me. I cringe over some things I said or did in my interactions with friends or guys as a teen. But I learned. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 Oh, it's so tough... Sometimes in this phase I almost wish we believed in courtship... at least she's working out her crazy/possessive streak when she's young. I keep wondering if someone has written a book about this. DH and I were talking about it and he brought up the wheel of power and control and signs of emotionally abusive relationships and I was thinking almost all girls cross those lines with their first one or two boyfriends. There's even a great line from the remake of the Thomas Crown Affair, "Men make women messy." Someone should write a book: How To Not Let Men Make You Messy. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted April 23, 2015 Author Share Posted April 23, 2015 Thanks for the advice and support... I'm going to set a limit on checking 1 or 2 emails or texts (not whole conversations) maybe once or twice a month. I think limits will help me. I also like the idea of just checking for new contacts or phone numbers. eta: Oh, and KEEP MY MOUTH CLOSED as much as possible... 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
inmyopinion Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 I am in this now. Different fact pattern, but same concept of watching my soon-to-be-twelve DD in her relationships with others and not knowing what to address and what to let go. So, I am sympathetic and trying to work it out myself. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 I only spot=check and even then it is usually because general behavior makes me think it is warranted. For me, spotchecking is for catching big stuff like p*rn and s*xting, not for monitoring the smaller intricacies of a relationship. This is my family. For my dd's friendships (no boyfriends quite yet) I try the "hmmm....oh wow. That's interesting." kind of stuff. Letting her know she's heard but not really advising or anything. I only give advice if asked in general. (if it were a dangerous or morally wrong thing, I would stick my oar in) Typically, I try to guide her with things like. "What do you think you should do?" or "What do you really want from this?" I ask questions to help her figure out the best way to handle stuff and what she really is thinking about/ 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 Another book idea: Boundaries for Newly Dating Teens: How to have a healthy relationship. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 YES. This is what I don't want. I just had a talk with her and apologized that I have been overly intrusive lately with advice and interfering. I let her know that I would try to do better at letting her manage things on her own. She appreciated what I said. Saying it out loud will help me stick to it. You are a great mom. That is a hard task. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunflowerlady Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 It is tough. I retain the right to check, but only do so occasionally. The last time or two I checked, I didn't even mention it to her. And of course, I realize things can just be deleted. This is a hard age. I like the book "Parenting Teens with Love and Logic". It is actually is helpful in navigating these years as they grow up. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MotherGoose Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 My oldest is only 9, so take this for what it's worth (from a totally inexperienced parent!) I do think some level of monitoring is appropriate. However, remember being a teenager yourself and all the mistakes etc you made, only they weren't recorded for your parent to observe. Our parents weren't able to monitor our conversations unless they found a written note or eavesdropped. I'm thankful for that in lots of ways. It appears to me that so many things that used to be written notes in school, phone conversations made hidden in the closet, or conversations in person are now via email and text. Because those conversations CAN be recorded and broadcasted to the world by a person not able to understand the ramifications, parents may need to monitor. But teenagers still need to make the inevitable mistakes (small ones, of course, I'm not talking about life--changing ones) in some privacy. She does talk to you which is great! I hope I'm not violating your request to not argue against monitoring, because I'm not anti-monitoring. I'm just glad I was able to make some mistakes without my mom knowing about it--again not life-altering ones, just normal teenage girl ones. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 I have a 16yo daughter who I am very close to also. She has had a rocky year of dealing with boyfriends/ex-boyfriends, girls as friends, boys as friends and the whole public school social situation. I understand very well how hard it is to separate from them in some instances, all the while still being their confidant. I think that at 16yo, it is no longer your job to monitor individual conversations whether it be eavesdropping on a conversationl, or reading texts/emails.. You have had up until now to guide and help her establish basic communication skills, but at this point it is time to let her have some independence, some privacy and some chances to both fail and succeed on her own. You can't proofread her world; and you definitely can't armchair analyze her previous conversations.....if you want her to grow into a healthy, confident adult. She needs to make mistakes. She needs to have misunderstandings. She needs to have the opportunity to try, fail, try again. If you are there monitoring every step and giving her your opinion of the situation, she is not figuring out how to be independent and figuring out her own strengths and weaknesses. Quite honestly she needs to screw up a few conversations. She needs to hurt someones feelings. So that she can also learn to explain herself better, apologize, grow and change how she represents herself online. But, these need to be on her terms and unless she asks for guidance in how to handle it, I think it is better for her to be true to her own instincts on how to resolve issues. (I'm assuming of course, you have taught her the basics of empathy and a true apology etc) Also remember that you are reading these texts out of context. You are not the intended audience. Especially with texting shorthand. You are likely reading wayyyyy more importance into a few words that she or her friend get from the same text. DD and I talk all the time about how her saying xyz to a friend means one thing among her generation, but in my generation that would have meant something entirely different. I have monitored a few texts over the past year. Once after she and her boyfriend broke up, I wanted to make sure he was leaving her alone.He had be bugging her in school that week and I wanted to make sure it had ended. I just glanced to make sure he wasn't texting her and that was that. I wasn't reading all the other texts for tidbits of info. I tell dd that I have her texts downloaded to the cell service website, so every text in or out of her phone is backed up, whether she deletes it or not. I have told her that if I have a concern that warrants me checking her individual emails, then the concern must be big enough for me to tell her I am doing so. I think she has mostly moved onto Snapchat or Instagram anyways. Which there is no record of. I have to just trust dd and hope that all the guidance she has had over her lifetime, is there and working in her brain. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebel Yell Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 Another book idea: Boundaries for Newly Dating Teens: How to have a healthy relationship. DANGIT! I was reading quickly and thought this was an actual book. Almost tried to request it from the library. :glare: :toetap05: :leaving: 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 Yeah, snapchat. There's one you'll never be able to put your finger on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 I am far too emotionally involved in my DD16's personal life. I know this, but am having trouble distancing myself. DD is a talker, so she always tells me everything going on with friendships, etc. She just recently had her first boy/girl thing. Nothing serious, but just some texting/emailing. We were monitoring texts/emails to make sure nothing inappropriate was going on. But for me I became overly involved in "she said this, why did she say that, she should have said blah blah". Short summary is that last weekend boy wanted to be "just friends" again, mainly because DD went totally overboard and possessive on him (probably in the manner of a million other young girls everywhere). So... I talked to her as a mom about how boys think differently from girls, etc. Comforted they crying. The usual. But then I have been checking her emails and texts again obsessively to see if "she gets it". Last night I was up for hours with anxiety about this whole thing. I am making myself crazy and this is not normal! I so want her to understand certain things (about life, friendship, boys, etc.) I am a logical person who knows that she has to arrive at these things on her own, and that this is not really my business. I need to disengage, but am having trouble with that line between parenting and overly involved. I thought of having my DH do the monitoring rather than me, but DH can be very over-reactive and I don't think that would go well. He has a hard time with "young girl" thoughts and behavior, which is why I was monitoring rather than him. I thought about stopping monitoring altogether unless something "triggers" it and I feel it's needed. But I know that reading certain things has helped me to understand what she is going through better. She talks to me constantly, but what she tells me doesn't always give the nuance that the conversations give. Should I just let go of that? Is it really better not to know? Advice please! And please, if you disagree with monitoring altogether, I don't want that argument right now. We feel as parents we have a responsibility to check certain things. DD has always been aware that email/texts/whatever is open to viewing. If you think that's "total violation of privacy" we can have that conversation another time, but not right now. I'm looking for advice about how to parent without becoming overly involved emotionally. It's hard. I didn't do it extremely well, but there were some issues that I felt I needed to monitor. A couple years down the road, that's completely over. Now that mine is older and largely on her own, she does tell me more. Stop checking her texts and emails obsessively if nothing is wrong. Your gut reaction to back off and wait until you have a "trigger" is the right one, in my view. Nothing wrong with monitoring on an "as-needed" basis. I have another that age now, and don't monitor this one at all. No need. Look if you are really concerned something scary or life-changing is wrong, but otherwise, try to let go a little. By 18, two short years or less, you won't be seeing really anything, as she will be gone, in school, or working. Would you have listened if your mom told you every single thing? I tried to do that, and it's now coming back to me as, "Hey mom...you were right about this!" But it did take a little distance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted April 23, 2015 Author Share Posted April 23, 2015 My oldest is only 9, so take this for what it's worth (from a totally inexperienced parent!) I do think some level of monitoring is appropriate. However, remember being a teenager yourself and all the mistakes etc you made, only they weren't recorded for your parent to observe. Our parents weren't able to monitor our conversations unless they found a written note or eavesdropped. I'm thankful for that in lots of ways. It appears to me that so many things that used to be written notes in school, phone conversations made hidden in the closet, or conversations in person are now via email and text. Because those conversations CAN be recorded and broadcasted to the world by a person not able to understand the ramifications, parents may need to monitor. But teenagers still need to make the inevitable mistakes (small ones, of course, I'm not talking about life--changing ones) in some privacy. She does talk to you which is great! I hope I'm not violating your request to not argue against monitoring, because I'm not anti-monitoring. I'm just glad I was able to make some mistakes without my mom knowing about it--again not life-altering ones, just normal teenage girl ones. I know, I thought about this. Thank god every stupid thing I said wasn't documented. I didn't have a very close relationship with my mom though. Not a bad one, just not close. I sometimes wish I would have had some advice. But then again, I probably wouldn't have listened to it. I think that at 16yo, it is no longer your job to monitor individual conversations whether it be eavesdropping on a conversationl, or reading texts/emails.. You have had up until now to guide and help her establish basic communication skills, but at this point it is time to let her have some independence, some privacy and some chances to both fail and succeed on her own. You can't proofread her world; and you definitely can't armchair analyze her previous conversations.....if you want her to grow into a healthy, confident adult. She needs to make mistakes. She needs to have misunderstandings. She needs to have the opportunity to try, fail, try again. If you are there monitoring every step and giving her your opinion of the situation, she is not figuring out how to be independent and figuring out her own strengths and weaknesses. Quite honestly she needs to screw up a few conversations. She needs to hurt someones feelings. So that she can also learn to explain herself better, apologize, grow and change how she represents herself online. But, these need to be on her terms and unless she asks for guidance in how to handle it, I think it is better for her to be true to her own instincts on how to resolve issues. (I'm assuming of course, you have taught her the basics of empathy and a true apology etc) Yes. This is all true. Thank you all for reminding me and cementing it in my head. ETA: OMG, I multiquoted! I didn't know it was back! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 I agree with teh poster that recommended spot checking rather than continuous monitoring. For example, my dd15 has started talking on skype with a group of people from a server she is on. 1 is a girl from the city we frequent often, 2 are boys from the USA (and the older brother of one of them, who is a marine that takes care of his brother), 1 is a boy in britain. SHe is allowed to skype with voice from home but no video unless she is at a public forum (I am not worried about them seeing her face, more like worried about them seeing my home etc), WHen she is talking at home is in a room near mine, far enough away to have privacy but close enough I can hear if anything inappropriate is said (and I have been known to pipe up with my opinion of things, so that all the teens not just dd knows there is an adult paying attention). The other day she spent several hours at the library chatting with the 2 american boys, when I picked her up she decided to openly share what was said and read me the entire transcript. Each of the boys she talks to has a nickname just from me. ANd I have volunteered to take her to meet the girl in the city if the girls parents agree to come as well in a neutral location. For me that is more than enough monitoring, she is enjoying her time online with this group. Apparently one of the guys thinks dd is cute and vice versa, ditto for the other boy and the city girl. and both girls think the british boy's accent is "hot". There is nothing untoward being discussed and so I just leave it alone and let her volunteer what she wants to share what I have not directly heard, but I do not go looking for that information or feeling like I need to tell her how to respond. I know when the marine brother is home he is monitoring like I do, sort of there but not really, the other girl says her parents are usually close by too. I think monitoring is a good thing, but I feel like if it crosses from anything more than it would have been if they still had to sit in the kitchen with the corded phone like we had to do, that it is too much. those of us that grew up before cordless phones I am sure remember trying to stretch the phone cord as far as possible to try and have a bit more privacy when talking but ultimately our families could hear 1 side of the conversation so we knew not to be inappropriate. I try to give my kids about that balance of freedom/monitoring (and we do really still have a corded phone in the kitchen lol). It's their conversations, business and lives, not mine, but they now to keep it pg because they can be heard from whatever room they are going in. If they had cell phones to be texting on, I would likely do random spot checks if I found they were getting too secretive. If they continued to be as open as they are now I would have concerns unless they did something to raise that red flag and so just knowing there would be random spot checks would be enough to keep it appropriate. As for your dd, if she doesn't "get it" yet about the clingy-ness she will when she loses the friend. Many teens both girls and boys go through similar type things as they learn how to be in a relationship with someone. It is growing pains, and she will learn even without you working yourself up over it. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 (((hugs))) Haven't read other responses. BTDT (not with the monitoring but the realizing that I was overly emotionally invested in my teen/young adult's life). It is hard to know where the line is sometimes until you have crossed it. You realize you have crossed it - good for you, mama! Seriously. That is the first step. In your shoes, I would tell my teen that I realize I am overly involved, tell her I need to take a step back, express confidence that she can manage these things on her own, tell her how very glad I am that she trusts me to talk to me about these things and then probably take my own self to therapy, where I would rant, rave, cry and get support for letting my dd figure out how to do these things slowly and painfully on her own without me guiding every small step. This is your only child, right? If I recall that correctly, I will say that it makes it 100 times harder. I have three others with their own issues to distract me at any given time. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluegoat Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 I am far too emotionally involved in my DD16's personal life. I know this, but am having trouble distancing myself. DD is a talker, so she always tells me everything going on with friendships, etc. She just recently had her first boy/girl thing. Nothing serious, but just some texting/emailing. We were monitoring texts/emails to make sure nothing inappropriate was going on. But for me I became overly involved in "she said this, why did she say that, she should have said blah blah". Short summary is that last weekend boy wanted to be "just friends" again, mainly because DD went totally overboard and possessive on him (probably in the manner of a million other young girls everywhere). So... I talked to her as a mom about how boys think differently from girls, etc. Comforted they crying. The usual. But then I have been checking her emails and texts again obsessively to see if "she gets it". Last night I was up for hours with anxiety about this whole thing. I am making myself crazy and this is not normal! I so want her to understand certain things (about life, friendship, boys, etc.) I am a logical person who knows that she has to arrive at these things on her own, and that this is not really my business. I need to disengage, but am having trouble with that line between parenting and overly involved. I thought of having my DH do the monitoring rather than me, but DH can be very over-reactive and I don't think that would go well. He has a hard time with "young girl" thoughts and behavior, which is why I was monitoring rather than him. I thought about stopping monitoring altogether unless something "triggers" it and I feel it's needed. But I know that reading certain things has helped me to understand what she is going through better. She talks to me constantly, but what she tells me doesn't always give the nuance that the conversations give. Should I just let go of that? Is it really better not to know? Advice please! And please, if you disagree with monitoring altogether, I don't want that argument right now. We feel as parents we have a responsibility to check certain things. DD has always been aware that email/texts/whatever is open to viewing. If you think that's "total violation of privacy" we can have that conversation another time, but not right now. I'm looking for advice about how to parent without becoming overly involved emotionally. I would go with stopping the monitoring unless you have some reason to think there is an issue. If she is 16, and you are happy with how she has turned out, that is really your best insurance. If she wants to go to the effort to pull the wool over your eyes, she will just be careful of her texts, so the possibility of intermittant monitoring seems just as likely to work to me. In an case, it will be good practice - in two years she'll be done with that whether ou want it or not. See how she manages. As far as not always understanding what someone is going through, I think that is just part of the human condition - it might actually be healthier IMO to not have that particular type of knowledge and that might be part of what is causing your problem. Even for a kid where monitoring constantly was really required, I would consider that intimate knowledge of his or her legitimate personal life was a real downside to that necessity. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted April 24, 2015 Author Share Posted April 24, 2015 I think monitoring is a good thing, but I feel like if it crosses from anything more than it would have been if they still had to sit in the kitchen with the corded phone like we had to do, that it is too much. Good analogy. This is your only child, right? If I recall that correctly, I will say that it makes it 100 times harder. I have three others with their own issues to distract me at any given time. Yep, I have considered that might be part of it. Thank you all for helping me with this! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted April 24, 2015 Share Posted April 24, 2015 Goldberry, I haven't ready all the responses, but something has sort of stuck in my mind since I read your original post a couple of days ago In it, you asked about how to back away from being obsessively involved in your daughter's life. Later in the same post, you told how your daughter's boyfriend had taken it back to "just friends" because (you suspect) of her obsessive behavior toward him. What struck me is that she might be learning from your what love looks like, and mirroring it in other relationships. The reason I mention it is that it might help you think about how you interact with your daughter to model healthy love relationship for her, and being conscious of what you are doing might give you motivation. I did some poor behavior modeling a few years ago, and I could NOT stop it--I thought. Until I saw how it was being mirrored (or completely kneejerk rejected) by my own (only) child. That was a serious wake-up call for me, and the behavior I thought I could not stop--I did stop. Cold turkey. I have never ever repeated it, not for 2 years now. Anyway, just thought I would mention it. :0) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lawyer&Mom Posted April 24, 2015 Share Posted April 24, 2015 I was very close to my mom at this age and she gave me lots of relationship advice. Advice that I usually wasn't remotely able to follow. (How do I play it cool? How do I be less needy? How will he even notice me if I play hard to get?) She was trying to spare me headache, but I just ended up feeling inadequate. It took me a good decade of trial and error and growing up to finally see why my relationships played out the way they did, and how I could make different choices. She had a lot of wisdom to share, but I still needed to learn it all first hand. Your daughter is going to make mistakes, but it's the only way for her to learn and grow. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GinaPagnato Posted April 24, 2015 Share Posted April 24, 2015 (((hugs))) Haven't read other responses. BTDT (not with the monitoring but the realizing that I was overly emotionally invested in my teen/young adult's life). It is hard to know where the line is sometimes until you have crossed it. You realize you have crossed it - good for you, mama! Seriously. That is the first step. In your shoes, I would tell my teen that I realize I am overly involved, tell her I need to take a step back, express confidence that she can manage these things on her own, tell her how very glad I am that she trusts me to talk to me about these things and then probably take my own self to therapy, where I would rant, rave, cry and get support for letting my dd figure out how to do these things slowly and painfully on her own without me guiding every small step. This is your only child, right? If I recall that correctly, I will say that it makes it 100 times harder. I have three others with their own issues to distract me at any given time. :iagree: I have other kids who by necessity engage my anxiety, therefore my oldest can't get all my emotional baggage for himself. ;) I strongly believe what has helped me has been getting busy with other things. You are a separate person from your DD, and it's good for BOTH of you to act upon that truth. You may have to find something to occupy your time and attention while she goes through these stages. You'll still be there for her when she *really* needs you, but you're just so darn interested in your book club/gardening/knitting/baking/day-trading/what-have-you, that you can't be there for her to process every.single.emotion. Good luck! You are obviously a TERRIFIC mom, and now you need to pull back a little of your terrific-ness so she can bump along a bit on her own. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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