TeA Time Frequency Poll and Questions

[jenn-]

*Immediate disclaimer for the newbies: TeA or teA is code on this board for the recreational activity typically shared by a loving couple.  It is used to keep bots from hitting the boards more.*

 

Recently I have addressed an ongoing strain on our relationship, my absolute lack of need or want of TeA.  My DH has been as good a sport as can be expected when only getting to enjoy a cup once a month, but when I couldn't even do that any more I found we were bickering more.  I finally spoke up to my Dr and she tested my hormones and my testosterone levels were below the point they even count anymore (<10).  Way below normal for a female and would definitely be impacting my want and enjoyment of a cup now and then.  She put me on a replacement hormone pill (at this point the risk to my marriage is/was greater then the risk of cancer as it doesn't run in the family at all), but it only improved a little bit.  She sent me to my OBGYN and he put me on a cream and OMG! is this what normal people feel like?  I actually remembered that I used to really like my cups of TeA, but it has been YEARS.  I think I'm going to wear my DH out.  So, now I have to be nosy and see where most people really are at in this realm of life.  I might have to back off the dose a little bit at this rate.

[SproutMamaK]

I voted in multiple areas because I've fit into different categories at different times in our marriage, hope that doesn't throw off the results too badly. :)

[Tangerine]

Ha! I'm glad to hear things are better. I've always felt that way (amorous) during pregnancy. I think that I ironically have a small taste of what it is like to be a man when I'm pregnant, and find myself amazed that civilizations have risen, wars have been waged, heck even jobs held down if this is what it is like for them all the time.

[JustEm]

When not ridiculously pregnant and suffering from lower back pain or recovering from csection dh and I are pretty active, in the 4 plus category. I put other because we pretty much find time anytime of day. Sometimes at night, sometimes first thing in the morning, sometimes on his lunch break, sometimes twice in one day. My kids are young, oldest is 6 so they still go to bed early but even if they didn't we wouldn't not have TeA because they are awake, well the 2 year old is because we wouldn't leave him unsupervised for that long. We simply lock our door and make sure they are occupied with something else. They know if the door is locked they need to wait till we unlock it to talk to us unless it's an emergency.

[Slache]

I voted for our current situation, but we've gone from every day to twice a week, to once a month, to every other day, to nearly teAing my husband to death after our first was born and my hormones were doing interesting things, to all sorts of different habits. I doubt anyone really had teA 3 times a week for 50 years. Have you ever done ANYTHING that consistently? Enjoy your cream. I'm sure you're normal.

[jenn-]

Ha! I'm glad to hear things are better. I've always felt that way (amorous) during pregnancy. I think that I ironically have a small taste of what it is like to be a man when I'm pregnant, and find myself amazed that civilizations have risen, wars have been waged, heck even jobs held down if this is what it is like for them all the time.

 

My DH didn't even get to enjoy this side effect of pregnancy.  In fact it was probably the longest times he has gone without enjoying a cup with me.  But if this is what it is like to be a guy, I can really feel for them.

So, you are telling us, you take your TeA with cream?   :laugh:

[dirty ethel rackham]

What is this treatment?!!  Inquiring Minds and starved husbands want to know. 

[Mothersweets]

Indeed! What is this magical cream you speak of?!

[speedmom4]

My dh and I were very active before children. But once the kids started coming I lost interest. My poor dh was pretty unhappy and so was I because I dreaded going to bed at night. Now that our youngest is 13 life is so very different. My interest is back and dh is very very happy.

I'm so glad that you found a treatment that works. I now have so much more compassion for what my dh went through all those years. I'm not so sure I would have been quite so patient.

 

Elise in NC

[Word Nerd]

Is your DH complaining? If not, I wouldn't give the "back off the dose" idea another thought!

 

Ours has varied over the years from daily or every other day to a couple of times per month. The more often we have TeA, the more I want it. If we enjoy it less frequently, then I'm not really interested and it takes more time to get in the mood.

[jenn-]

What is this treatment?!!  Inquiring Minds and starved husbands want to know. 

 

It is a straight testosterone cream (it says 1mg/0.1mL on the package).  I'm fairly certain that doctors will insist on checking your levels before going this route.  As with all hormone treatments, it does carry some risks, but we were at a point that I'm willing to take the risk.  On the downside, I might actually have to start shaving my legs more then once every 4 months as testosterone also controls body hair.

 

[jenn-]

Is your DH complaining? If not, I wouldn't give the "back off the dose" idea another thought!

 

Ours has varied over the years from daily or every other day to a couple of times per month. The more often we have TeA, the more I want it. If we enjoy it less frequently, then I'm not really interested and it takes more time to get in the mood.

 

He's definitely not complaining, just amused.  I'm just not sure I can handle the feeling of the need to call DH in the middle of the afternoon to come home for a quick cup of TeA.  We just went on a cruise without the kids after having been on the cream for a week and well... we had a lot of cups that week whenever we wanted.  Now he is gone all day and it is rough (all 1 day he's been back at work).

[Slache]

Oh, you poor thing.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

What is this treatment?!!  Inquiring Minds and starved husbands want to know. 

 

Uh, yes. This.

 

Oh, and my answer is "very infrequently at the moment," but I'm dealing with a couple of health issues that impact this area of our lives. Even when I wasn't, though, my interest in tea was fairly low, and yes, it has been an issue. I really do not know how to address it anymore (assuming I can get the health issues under control at some point :().

[Pod's mum]

TeA??

I seem to remember I quite liked a good brew.

To quote the Eagles, "We haven't had that spirit here since 1969."

 

Single here, and before that was marrige to one who prefered his Milo alone.

The teapot is a tad dusty.

You get that.

[jenn-]

Uh, yes. This.

 

Oh, and my answer is "very infrequently at the moment," but I'm dealing with a couple of health issues that impact this area of our lives. Even when I wasn't, though, my interest in tea was fairly low, and yes, it has been an issue. I really do not know how to address it anymore (assuming I can get the health issues under control at some point :().

 

It was extremely hard to get the courage up to mention my lack of interest to my GP.  I was so embarrassed to even mention it, but I put on my big girl panties and just let it out.  Then she sent me to my male OBGYN I hadn't seen since the delivery room with my youngest and I had to mention it to him as well.  It wasn't any easier, but I knew I needed something to change.  At least by that point I had a medical reasoning behind it.  I'm just not producing much testosterone on my own.  The treatment for me is a straight testosterone cream applied to the inner thigh once a day.  The location is due to the risk to kids if they are inadvertently exposed to higher doses of testosterone (I think House even did an episode that directly dealt with this, cause that is a great resource for information :001_rolleyes: ).

[Jean in Newcastle]

Why are the choices for once a week or less, all negative?  

[LibraryLover]

Say what? Folks at endless war don't have sex?  Given what I know of history, and the ancients (this being a Classical Ed board), I am trying not not laugh my head off.

[Tap]

As a partner, with someone who has zero interest in TeA, I applaud you for taking the steps necessary to make your relationship a higher priority than a momentary embarrassment with a doctor.  It has been one of the issues for the slow demise of my marriage.  It is hard to feel like you are married to someone who treats you more like a roommate. 

 

 

[Tangerine]

Say what? Folks at endless war don't have sex? Given what I know of history, and the ancients (this being a Classical Ed board), I am trying not not laugh my head off.

Well, since my attempt was to make a joke, I suppose I'm glad you laughed. But thanks for making sure I knew it was due to my own unforgivable ignorance on this, an education board. Also, just so your head doesn't pop off from the hilarity, I was referring to being constantly distracted by one's sex drive, yet managing to get major things accomplished. Not claiming they didn't have sex while waging wars.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

As a partner with someone who has zero interest in TeA, I applaud you for taking the steps necessary to make your relationship a higher priority than a momentary embarrassment with a doctor.  It has been one of the issues for the slow demise of my marriage.  It is hard to feel like you are married to someone who treats you more like a roommate. 

 

I am so sorry  :grouphug:

[LucyStoner]

We use FAM for birth control. While we aren't opposed to drinking our teA while wearing a rain coat, we both have more interest when we don't have to. So it varies a lot throughout the month. My fertile week, less often. My "safe window" before my period starts? Way more often.

[Slache]

We use FAM for birth control. While we aren't opposed to drinking our teA while wearing a rain coat, we both have more interest when we don't have to. So it varies a lot throughout the month. My fertile week, less often. My "safe window" before my period starts? Way more often.

 

That's how we got our daughter. ;)

[LucyStoner]

That's how we got our daughter. ;)

I'm the perfect candidate for FAM/NFP- unmissable ovulation signs (in fact, I wish it was less obvious because ouch!), easy to chart, regular cycle, I can check my cervix etc well. And we eventually want another child or two so a pregnancy would not be a real problem. We aren't sitting here guessing. Also, I can't use any hormonal BC without basically losing my sex drive which, while perhaps effective, defeats the need for BC and is a side effect I won't tolerate. Plus, we have a BCP baby who is turning 12 this year.

 

When we are done having kids it's surgery all the way.

[mommymilkies]

Teens and schedules make things tricky here. 

 

Plus, after 20 years, I'm sorry, but sometimes I would rather read a book.

Or snuggle with the cat.  Or go on Pinterest.  Or eat another brownie.  :coolgleamA:

[SageRebel]

I have a want for tea all the time. My dh does not at all. It has caused horrible strain and I hate to say it I really want to break it off. Its complicated, and I am stuck without any privacy for a cup of alone Tea. I honestly don't know what to do. I just feel like a freak most of the time.  :sad:  :crying:

[Slache]

I have a want for tea all the time. My dh does not at all. It has caused horrible strain and I hate to say it I really want to break it off. Its complicated, and I am stuck without any privacy for a cup of alone Tea. I honestly don't know what to do. I just feel like a freak most of the time.  :sad:  :crying:

 

You're not. This is extremely common. It makes me sad. I'm sorry.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

I have a want for tea all the time. My dh does not at all. It has caused horrible strain and I hate to say it I really want to break it off. Its complicated, and I am stuck without any privacy for a cup of alone Tea. I honestly don't know what to do. I just feel like a freak most of the time.  :sad:  :crying:

 

:grouphug:

 

If I may say so, why not try having the solo tea while in bed with your usual tea partner right there? In my experience, attempting solo tea in that scenario usually results in tea for two. And even if it doesn't, you still get to have your solo tea. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do  :coolgleamA:

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

It was extremely hard to get the courage up to mention my lack of interest to my GP.  I was so embarrassed to even mention it, but I put on my big girl panties and just let it out.  Then she sent me to my male OBGYN I hadn't seen since the delivery room with my youngest and I had to mention it to him as well.  It wasn't any easier, but I knew I needed something to change.  At least by that point I had a medical reasoning behind it.  I'm just not producing much testosterone on my own.  The treatment for me is a straight testosterone cream applied to the inner thigh once a day.  The location is due to the risk to kids if they are inadvertently exposed to higher doses of testosterone (I think House even did an episode that directly dealt with this, cause that is a great resource for information :001_rolleyes: ).

 

*sigh* I just remembered that my dr ran my T level as part of a hormone panel for one of the problems I'm having, and it was right smack in the middle of the normal range. I don't think that will end up being the solution for me, though I'll definitely discuss it with my doctor when I see her next. I do really miss having a libido!

 

You're a brave woman :D Thank you for being so upfront with us. 

 

[Heidi]

I have zero desire, but my dh wants it everyday. I compromise with every other day. I can usually *enjoy* it, but it takes a great deal of mental effort, which isn't fun. I might need some of that cream...

[blondeviolin]

I'm not anti-teA, but I am pro-sleep. And at this stage of my life with all of my littles, the latter usually wins out.

[LMD]

I also felt the crazy amorous hormones while pregnant with my sons!

We're about once a week, sometimes more/less, and we're happy about it, lots of little kids atm, we've always been quite compatible.

[jenn-]

Why are the choices for once a week or less, all negative?

You are absolutely right. I'm sorry about that. I guess there should have been an option for "my partner and I agree that this number works well for both of us."

 

I'm in a marriage with someone who wants/wanted it at least every other day, but I shot him down most of the time to the point he pretty much gave up trying. I guess because of this, less frequent servings has a negative vibe here.

[jenn-]

As a partner, with someone who has zero interest in TeA, I applaud you for taking the steps necessary to make your relationship a higher priority than a momentary embarrassment with a doctor. It has been one of the issues for the slow demise of my marriage. It is hard to feel like you are married to someone who treats you more like a roommate.

I'm sorry for those on the rejected side of the equation. My DH often complained about feeling more like roommates. At least being female we can participate in a cup even when we aren't really wanting it. Much harder when the serving spoon is too soft to give you a good stir.

 

I hope you can convince him to talk to the dr about it. Maybe call the dr before his next physical and have the dr casually ask about it. It seems like it would be a standard question at a physical for guys. I mean they invented a pill for this exact reason.

[Laura Corin]

Why are the choices for once a week or less, all negative?  

 

Yes.  Where's the 'That's as often as we want to indulge' choice?

[Ottakee]

Hard to answer the poll.

 

We were at the 2-3 times a week stage for quite a while but then one doctor decided that the testosterone treatment my husband was on was risky so they stopped it..................interested (and blood levels) plummeted.  Add in the fact that the little blue pill which was very helpful was causing severe back pain and we are in a totally different category right now.  The reaction to the blue pill was quite delayed (would show up 1-3 days later) so it tooks us a few months to figure it out but dh went from barely able to walk a block due to back pain (and in physical therapy) to being able to work out at the gym, play basketball and be pain free.

 

So...........here we are...............no blue pill and much lower dose of the magic T gel and we are at almost nil for that activity (although there are others).........but the flip side was severe back pain that was hurting his health overall and ability to just walk around pain free.

 

Wish we had an easy answer here.

 

When we were drinking a lot more teA we found early mornings best as teens sleep in.  Occ. though they might have had a hint of what was going on but that is OK too.  We just turned the TV on for background noise and locked the door. 

[Ottakee]

As a partner, with someone who has zero interest in TeA, I applaud you for taking the steps necessary to make your relationship a higher priority than a momentary embarrassment with a doctor.  It has been one of the issues for the slow demise of my marriage.  It is hard to feel like you are married to someone who treats you more like a roommate. 

Would he be willing to go get his Testosterone level tested?  If it is low, the gel can make a HUGE difference.

[jenn-]

I have zero desire, but my dh wants it everyday. I compromise with every other day. I can usually *enjoy* it, but it takes a great deal of mental effort, which isn't fun. Dh has been deployed for 9 months and I've been just fine. He comes back this week. We'll see. I might need some of that cream...

 

As weird as it seems, I'd get more annoyed if he successfully got my teapot whistling because I felt like my physical body completely betrayed my mental one.  This in turn, made me give in less.  It was a vicious mental battle between wanting to want tea and wanting to be left the heck alone.

[Tsuga]

With my ex-husband it was 1x/day only because he insisted. Like--insisted. "I need tea and if I don't get tea it will be your fault that I throw the cookies at you." Um, okay. Eventually I got pretty anti-tea with him mainly because he kept drinking out of my teacup after drinking out of other people's teacups and I was like, DUDE BACKWASH GROSS.

 

When I was finally free from that relationship, I got in a relationship with someone who had been on the opposite end. His ex had decided that she wouldn't drink tea with someone to whom she was married because marriage was holy and tea, she felt, was not holy.

 

He eventually stopped boiling water and all that.

 

Now we are in a great relationship in which we both want tea and both of us take our tea the same way--milk in the black tea, green tea plain, and a hot toddy once in awhile--and it's fantastic. We drink tea pretty much every day and several times when all the kids are gone.

 

My heart goes out to all the couples who've grown to love tea in different quantities. That is such a hard place to be.

[Tap]

Would he be willing to go get his Testosterone level tested?  If it is low, the gel can make a HUGE difference.

I finally got him to go to the doctor because he was so tired all the time.  In that visit they tested his testosterone. It was in the low range of normal, so his doctor doesn't feel that is the problem.  I suspect for my husband it is several different factors.  Lower T, Depression, low interest and a personality that is low on 'initiation'.  He isn't the person to reach out, to prompt, to say something.  I am not talking about wanting romantic overtures, I am talking about not even the slightest hint that something may be on his mind. 

 

He is finally wanting to do something about this part of our marriage being broken, but honestly it may be too little, too late for me.  This is why I honestly and truly applaud the OP for making those hard first steps, to start the conversation and to follow through with doing something about it, before it is too late.  Because in my experience, once something is broken for too long, it isn't just as easy and starting over and finally showing some interest.  Sometimes broken, truly is broken....it just isn't fixable. 

[Tsuga]

 

 

 I am not talking about wanting romantic overtures, I am talking about not even the slightest hint that something may be on his mind. 

 

Mine was so trained not to come on to me that for the first few months of our partnership I had to say, "That was me, coming on to you. If you want it, touch me back."

 

He had gotten so many brush offs (I realize that is not the case in your situation) that he had just trained himself not to come on to women, to hide all tea loving features of himself.

 

Now he is much more assertive. But it took some doing.

[Tap]

:grouphug:

 

If I may say so, why not try having the solo tea while in bed with your usual tea partner right there? In my experience, attempting solo tea in that scenario usually results in tea for two. And even if it doesn't, you still get to have your solo tea. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do  :coolgleamA:

Because it isn't just about the act of TeA, it is about having a spouse who doesn't desire or intiate a physical relationship with you.  Having a satisfying cup of solo TeA isn't the same as relations between a couple.  The missing link isn't just any cup of TeA, it is the act of brewing and spending sometime nurturing each other.  

 

In our case, dh will make TeA if I start it, and go through the motions, but it is obvious that he is just doing it for me and while he gets a happy ending out of it....it is emotionally off.  I know lots of people say the same thing.  A wife or husband is physically in the room, but if they really don't want to be there, the emotional connection is lost. You may get the physical release, but the mental part that keeps a marriage intact, gets strained.  Some marriages are strong and healthy with this situation, some are not.  I am just the type of person who is in the 'not' category. 

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

Because it isn't just about the act of TeA, it is about having a spouse who doesn't desire or intiate a physical relationship with you.  Having a satisfying cup of solo TeA isn't the same as relations between a couple.  The missing link isn't just any cup of TeA, it is the act of brewing and spending sometime nurturing each other.  

 

In our case, dh will make TeA if I start it, and go through the motions, but it is obvious that he is just doing it for me and while he gets a happy ending out of it....it is emotionally off.  I know lots of people say the same thing.  A wife or husband is physically in the room, but if they really don't want to be there, the emotional connection is lost. You may get the physical release, but the mental part that keeps a marriage intact, gets strained.  Some marriages are strong and healthy with this situation, some are not.  I am just the type of person who is in the 'not' category. 

 

No, I do understand that (sort of, I think, but that's another discussion). I was specifically responding to the part about the solo tea. The poster was saying she didn't even have privacy for that, so in that case, I was thinking you take it where you can get it. If the solo tea sparks the interest (I know it has for me; I'm the low interest partner), then bonus! If not, then at least there's still solo tea. But no one was feeling coerced or resentful, because they only have to participate if they really feel the desire. The tea is getting brewed either way. Does that make sense? 

 

ETA: I can see where this wouldn't work, or where it would cause other issues/resentments. It has worked here, though, so I was just throwing it out there as a possible option in case the poster hadn't considered it, maybe.

[jenn-]

I finally got him to go to the doctor because he was so tired all the time.  In that visit they tested his testosterone. It was in the low range of normal, so his doctor doesn't feel that is the problem.  I suspect for my husband it is several different factors.  Lower T, Depression, low interest and a personality that is low on 'initiation'.  He isn't the person to reach out, to prompt, to say something.  I am not talking about wanting romantic overtures, I am talking about not even the slightest hint that something may be on his mind. 

 

He is finally wanting to do something about this part of our marriage being broken, but honestly it may be too little, too late for me.  This is why I honestly and truly applaud the OP for making those hard first steps, to start the conversation and to follow through with doing something about it, before it is too late.  Because in my experience, once something is broken for too long, it isn't just as easy and starting over and finally showing some interest.  Sometimes broken, truly is broken....it just isn't fixable. 

 

I'm sorry it has gotten to that point for you.  In the mist of our bickering, DH did throw out the divorce word and that was a true wake up call for me.  I love my DH, I just couldn't bring myself to get physical. He also complained that I never initiated.  I have sensory issues and DH is pretty much the only person that can touch me with me trying to crawl out of my skin, and to me that says a lot, but I still wasn't going to put myself out there to intentionally be touched.

 

The first attempt by my GP just included a low dose of an antidepressant.  I was so glad she went that way because just like the topic of this thread, I'd been too embarrassed to ask for help.  I'd finally get to that super low point for months and get ready to call the dr, then I'd swing back to what I considered normal for a week or two and figure I was "better" only to cycle back down.  I definitely feel the difference when I forget to take the medicine and now I'm on it twice a day.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

I'm sorry it has gotten to that point for you.  In the mist of our bickering, DH did throw out the divorce word and that was a true wake up call for me.  I love my DH, I just couldn't bring myself to get physical. He also complained that I never initiated.  I have sensory issues and DH is pretty much the only person that can touch me with me trying to crawl out of my skin, and to me that says a lot, but I still wasn't going to put myself out there to intentionally be touched.

 

The first attempt by my GP just included a low dose of an antidepressant.  I was so glad she went that way because just like the topic of this thread, I'd been too embarrassed to ask for help.  I'd finally get to that super low point for months and get ready to call the dr, then I'd swing back to what I considered normal for a week or two and figure I was "better" only to cycle back down.  I definitely feel the difference when I forget to take the medicine and now I'm on it twice a day.

 

Oh, you sound so much like me. I've been avoiding taking anti-depressants for so long because I've been worried that they would just kill off whatever was left of my desire for tea (and because I've been telling myself for years that "If I just take better care of myself/lose weight/sleep more/exercise more/eat better/take the right supplements I'll be normal." Needless to say, none of that has happened :() Did the anti-depressant help you in the tea area at all? 

 

[Ottakee]

I finally got him to go to the doctor because he was so tired all the time.  In that visit they tested his testosterone. It was in the low range of normal, so his doctor doesn't feel that is the problem

Would he try a different doctor?  We had the same thing.  

 

Doctor 1 said, low normal so fine.

 

Doctor 2 (a female NP) said let's try it......and WOW it works.  His energy level came way up, his mood was much better and he was much more interested in brewing.

 

Then she retired and Doctor #3 say there are risks with taking T gel so stopped it.  Mood and energy level went way down.

 

Saw Doctor 4 (his endocrinologist) and said thought numbers were OK (even though they went from 900 to 300 after stopping the gel) but agreed to let him use a small dose.  It is improving but I really thing a bit higher dose would be better.

 

THankfully dh doesn't mind me going with him and *I* bring it up and tell the doctor how it is.  He would just clam up and not say much but isn't offended at all if *I* am the pushy one.

 

Think we might need to see the new doctor that replaced doctor 2 and see if we can go for a higher dose.

 

Then the issue left for us is the little blue pill caused such back aches that we dont' want to try that again but yet without a bit of "help:" we don't get a full cup of tea.

[jenn-]

Oh, you sound so much like me. I've been avoiding taking anti-depressants for so long because I've been worried that they would just kill off whatever was left of my desire for tea (and because I've been telling myself for years that "If I just take better care of myself/lose weight/sleep more/exercise more/eat better/take the right supplements I'll be normal." Needless to say, none of that has happened :() Did the anti-depressant help you in the tea area at all? 

 

I can't say I noticed much of a difference in that particular area on the lower dose, and the change to the twice a day came at the same time as the cream so I cannot say if it would have been better.  I will say though, it was hard to get motivated to do anything in life and feeling normal for more then a couple of weeks has been great.

 

I will say that my GYN mentioned that birth control pills lower desire for TeA.  I'm not on them, but we are dealing with another issue where that would be the first go to solution, but it is counter intuitive for the bigger issue I was there to discuss.  This might be something to look into though if any of the non tea desiring ladies are on them.

[sassenach]

I hit many of the pole options in a given month. First week after my period- daily. Second week- 3-5 times, 3rd week- maybe 0-2 times, during period- nada.

[goldberry]

Our tea life has suffered since DD got old enough to not go to bed early any more.  In our old house, our bedroom was an upper loft.  :glare:  We bought when DD was little and went to bed at 8 every night.  When she was old enough to be up, and up and down at night getting water, etc., it got really difficult to have any time at all.

 

We moved about 3 months ago to a house with a more traditional layout.  So we do have the closed door now...and it has helped...but I confess I still am not quite comfortable when DD is around.  I am listening to every little noise.  It's just really awkward.  When we are alone, I tend to be... vocal? :blushing:   and I have to seriously monitor that when DD is around.  It's not the best.