Please be careful with your mommy blogs

[msjones]

Ugh.  I am aghast.  

 

Please be careful not to reveal your child's most personal struggles and weaknesses and pain on the internet.  

 

Try to think of how he'll feel one day when he reads it and it confirms his fears about your true feelings.  

 

Your child deserves privacy as he grows.  And there are certain things a should child should never hear from his mother -- even if he is a very difficult child and you adopted him.

 

 

 

 

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Ugh.  I am aghast.  

 

Please be careful not to reveal your child's most personal struggles and weaknesses and pain on the internet.  

 

Try to think of how he'll feel one day when he reads it and it confirms his fears about your true feelings.  

 

Your child deserves privacy as he grows.  And there are certain things a should child should never hear from his mother -- even if he is a very difficult child and you adopted him.

 

:(

 

To whom are you speaking? Was this someone here, or just something you came across online?

[msjones]

 

 

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Very sad.

[Scarlett]

I agree.

[zimom]

I understand! People need to know every side of adoption, but your child does deserve privacy!!!!! Make your post totally anonymous.

 

My other thing is that I believe an adopted child's story is their own, their private information to decide when and to who they want to share it with. And until they are basically an adult they do not have the ability to make th decision about whether or not they really want their story shared.

 

Two examples: I met a family and within five minutes all th families in the room knew that the child (about 12) was adopted and his birth mother was a prostitute. Child was sitting right there.

 

Edited to add: I frequently go back and delete anything specific regarding my children on this board after a couple of days.

 

Edit 2: removed story 2 as even though I tried to be vague, could still be identified by those known.

[JustEm]

yea, I know someone who recently adopted a young teen from China. Of course their are difficulties and sharing those privately with trusted friends is fine, especially if you need help or just to vent. But she puts it out for everyone to read.  Even if this girl will never read it everyone who knows her is reading it and making judgments based on one side.

[Guest]

I had this exact thought reading a blog recently that dealt with adoption. While I do think it's good that prospective adoptive parents can see what issues really can arise, I thought this exact thing - bio, adopted, whatever, our kids deserve to grow up without their difficulties plastered on the WORLD Wide Web.

[Harriet Vane]

Absolutely.

 

This goes for ALL kids. Their lives, their story. Each person should be able to tell their own story when and in what fashion they choose.

 

That goes quadruple for painful or difficult situations.

[Audrey]

Ugh.  I am aghast.  

 

Please be careful not to reveal your child's most personal struggles and weaknesses and pain on the internet.  

 

Try to think of how he'll feel one day when he reads it and it confirms his fears about your true feelings.  

 

Your child deserves privacy as he grows.  And there are certain things a should child should never hear from his mother -- even if he is a very difficult child and you adopted him.

 

The same thing applies on chat forums -- like here. Be careful how you speak of your children anywhere on the internet.  Once on the 'net, always on the 'net.  Chances are high that your child WILL find out how much of their dirty laundry you aired online without their knowledge or consent. 

[MinivanMom]

Absolutely.

 

This goes for ALL kids. Their lives, their story. Each person should be able to tell their own story when and in what fashion they choose.

 

That goes quadruple for painful or difficult situations.

 

I agree.

 

I knew a girl in high school who had been adopted out of foster care. I was the new move-in to this school & community at 14 and within a single week, I knew all about the abuse this girl had suffered with her bio parents, about her time in foster care, and about her adoption . . . from our peers. Adoptive mom overshared with her friends . . . who went home and repeated it to their own kids . . . who then spread it around to the rest of the peer group. Kids gossiped about it, treated her differently, and bullied her over it. It was a rough situation. The saddest part was that I never once heard the girl in question ever share the fact she was adopted, much less the abuse/foster care backstory. If it hadn't been for mom gossiping, no one would have ever known. 

 

This isn't a new phenomenon; the internet just spreads it so much further, so much faster, so much more permanently. Think before you share other people's private information. And, yes, children are people.

[Tap]

Ok, but isn't that what pseudonyms are for? I am one of those who have posted about our struggles with our adopted daughter on here.  I have also posted about my bio kids, and my daughters boyfriend.  What about the rights of the parents to have opinions, feelings and thoughts?  Do I not have a right to my own concerns or advice to other people.  Sometimes when you give advice, the person needs to understand what your reasons are, and how you came to this advice.

 

As long as it is honest and no specific names are used, then I don't have a problem with people saying what they need to say.  I don't see it any different than writing in a journal, that a teen or adult may run across one day. If a person uses a pseudonym then the adoptee will have to go looking for that information to find it....just like someone looking for a journal in a bedroom drawer.  

 

If I write it all down in a journal, I get no one else's opinions or feelings.  I go no support nor do I get the chance to offer support. I don't want or need a private therapist, sometimes I just need a chance to ask others who have BTDT what they would do. Some good old 'we tried and succeeded with...' as well as "we tried and fail at.....' or 'we don't know what to do now....' or 'omg, we just stumbled on the greatest thing ever...'. When you live the lives we have lived with constant struggles every day, you really need to know you are not in it alone. 

 

 

Yes, the internet could potentially hold every word anyone has ever posted for eternity....but unless you go looking for it, it is unlikely to come up randomly.  Blogs....well I guess it depends on how much information is given out. I don't blog.  I never post pictures online of my kids. I never use real names or even initials. I give my general area and the ages of my kids, only because age is often vital to the situation. If someone really wanted to piece my life together, they could. I know that. But really, who would want to sort through 10,000 posts to glean that information when they have people IRL that are much more interesting to pursue.

 

 I have friends who blog with these same rules in place.  No pictures of the kids faces and no identifying information like schools/teams/names.  They are password protected and not open for everyone to see. I have zero problem with that.  

 

 

 

 

[ikslo]

 But really, who would want to sort through 10,000 posts to glean that information when they have people IRL that are much more interesting to pursue.

 

A reporter.  Whenever I post, I think - will this hurt DS's chance to be President some day?  LOL

[Tap]

A reporter.  Whenever I post, I think - will this hurt DS's chance to be President some day?  LOL

Ok, but how would they prove that it was my daughter? If it is anonymously posted with a pseudonym?  They could just as easy make the information up themselves.

[msjones]

Ok, but isn't that what pseudonyms are for? I am one of those who have posted about our struggles with our adopted daughter on here.  I have also posted about my bio kids, and my daughters boyfriend.  What about the rights of the parents to have opinions, feelings and thoughts?  Do I not have a right to my own concerns or advice to other people.  Sometimes when you give advice, the person needs to understand what your reasons are, and how you came to this advice.

 

As long as it is honest and no specific names are used, then I don't have a problem with people saying what they need to say.  I don't see it any different than writing in a journal, that a teen or adult may run across one day. If a person uses a pseudonym then the adoptee will have to go looking for that information to find it....just like someone looking for a journal in a bedroom drawer.  

 

If I write it all down in a journal, I get no one else's opinions or feelings.  I go no support nor do I get the chance to offer support. I don't want or need a private therapist, sometimes I just need a chance to ask others who have BTDT what they would do. Some good old 'we tried and succeeded with...' as well as "we tried and fail at.....' or 'we don't know what to do now....' or 'omg, we just stumbled on the greatest thing ever...'. When you live the lives we have lived with constant struggles every day, you really need to know you are not in it alone. 

 

 

Yes, the internet could potentially hold every word anyone has ever posted for eternity....but unless you go looking for it, it is unlikely to come up randomly.  Blogs....well I guess it depends on how much information is given out. I don't blog.  I never post pictures online of my kids. I never use real names or even initials. I give my general area and the ages of my kids, only because age is often vital to the situation. If someone really wanted to piece my life together, they could. I know that. But really, who would want to sort through 10,000 posts to glean that information when they have people IRL that are much more interesting to pursue.

 

 I have friends who blog with these same rules in place.  No pictures of the kids faces and no identifying information like schools/teams/names.  They are password protected and not open for everyone to see. I have zero problem with that.  

No pseudonyms on the blog to which I am referring.  Photos of the whole family with just about every post.  

 

An anonymous blog would be an improvement, but still risky, I think.  Kids are pretty tech savvy these days.

 

I was adopted, and suspect that my mother has her regrets.  If I were to come across a blog/chat room/whatever where she admitted her regrets, I'd never trust her again.  

[Tap]

No pseudonyms on the blog to which I am referring.  Photos of the whole family with just about every post.  

 

An anonymous blog would be an improvement, but still risky, I think.  Kids are pretty tech savvy these days.

 

I was adopted, and suspect that my mother has her regrets.  If I were to come across a blog/chat room/whatever where she admitted her regrets, I'd never trust her again.  

Never trust her again?  Why because she had an honest feeling? For me (not saying your feelings are wrong) I would trust that person more. If I knew they struggled with the decision and regrets around adoption and then overcame it and maintained status quo.  Even better if I never knew they felt that way.  That the person cared so much, to hide such huge feelings from me.

 

 

My mom was married and had 4 kids starting when she was 16yo-24yo.(and a Baby #5 who died at 2 days old)  She then divorced her husband in the early 60s and was a 24yo single mom with 4 kids (this was before welfare programs offered any real help).  She struggled to keep her life and kids together. Then she met my dad, who proposed, but also insisted on a condition that she have one more child for him (me).  I am 6 years, younger than the youngest of my siblings.  I know my mom didn't want me.  I know she only had me for him.  I am ok with that.  Because she tried to hide it from me.  She tried to pretend that everything was ok. Like a good mom would.  I first learned the story when I was a teen and over the years have gained more respect for her.  She knew she was taking a risk, but she did it anyways. Out of love for him and for me.  She gave up a lot to have me. 

[Pronghorn]

I do think that parents need support, and have a right to seek it. Yes, they should take what measures they can to ensure a reasonable level of privacy. But without support, they may not figure out how to meet their child's needs.

 

Sometimes as an adoptive parent, I may have overshared in a desperate effort to get support. I did the best I could, though, and became an effective parent in the end. I did not blog but learned a tremendous amount from parents in a closed yahoo group. And what I shared is not shocking or anything. Severe sleep problems. Screaming fits. Ambivalence about affection. All in a little kid, not a big one.

[ikslo]

Ok, but how would they prove that it was my daughter? If it is anonymously posted with a pseudonym?  They could just as easy make the information up themselves.

 

Your post said, "If someone really wanted to piece my life together, they could."  If they can, a reporter will.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Your post said, "If someone really wanted to piece my life together, they could."  If they can, a reporter will.

So?  If they did, they would discover a normal woman who is a mom to normal kids in a normal family with normal problems.  Even my Aspie with his issues that sometimes tax me greatly, is still a normal Aspie.  He knows I get frustrated with him sometimes.  He gets frustrated with me sometimes.  He knows that I seek advice on things.  And good thing, because it allows me to help him more than I could if I were to try and do this alone.  

 

I have a friend who has adopted two kids with RAD.  Her experience with RAD is pretty normal.  Her frustrations are normal.  The condition is not every adopted kid's reality but it is their reality.  In the context of her kid's early life, their RAD (unfortunately) is normal.  It isn't their fault.  Her kids know that their struggles are there - they are living them.  

[SeaConquest]

I used to keep a blog about our life living aboard our sailboat with our son. We started cruising with him when he was 6 months old, and I documented everything that we experienced -- the good and the bad. We had lots of people following our journey, but eventually, the amount of criticism that we received because of our cruising lifestyle became emotionally overwhelming and damaging for me. People had actually started stalking us. It was nuts. So, I stopped the blog. Lesson learned.

 

Over the years, I've met many other sailors who keep cruising blogs -- many with kids. Based on my experience, I always secretly cringed inside when I'd read their blogs, hoping that they never had to experience what we did -- that is, until our friends and their kids were rescued in the middle of the Pacific by the U.S. Navy, and had their every parenting decision become the subject of a national debate (including a story on the front page of the NYT and on several morning news shows). You don't even want to know the horrific things trolls posted on their blog or emailed to them -- telling them that they wished they had died/sunk to bottom of the sea with their boat/home, what abusive, selfish a-holes they are, how CPS should take their kids away, etc -- and those are some of the mild ones. And yes, reporters and other nosey Parkers went back through every single blog post written and picked them apart/distorted them. Even if pseudonyms had been used, none of it would have remained anonymous in this digital age. It was all put out there for public consumption, and when the sh*t hit the fan, the public ate it up.

 

I use my kids' real names here, but I'd never again put anything about them out on the Interwebs that I wouldn't mind the whole world knowing, including their future employers.    

 

ETA: In case you want to know what happened: http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/525/call-for-help

[msjones]

Obviously, those of you who blog about their children's personal issues feel differently.  I think it's a terrible violation of privacy from the person who should be most motivated to protect them.   (Flame away.)

 

I should not know that this particular child has the issues he has.  I hardly know his mother!  I know so many ugly details of his challenging behavior.  His mom has set him up to be a topic of gossip and "oh my gosh, did you hear what ____________ is doing now?!  What kind of kid does something like that?  Don't let your kids near him!  I wonder what he'll be like when he's older?! etc. etc. etc"

 

How will he ever live this down?  I'm glad my mom didn't broadcast my growing pains to the world -- even if (especially if?) I was ruining her life and she wanted support to deal with me. 

 

Moms who need support need to find it in a place where their child's identity and privacy is valued.  The internet is not that place.  

[msjones]

Never trust her again?  Why because she had an honest feeling? For me (not saying your feelings are wrong) I would trust that person more. If I knew they struggled with the decision and regrets around adoption and then overcame it and maintained status quo.  Even better if I never knew they felt that way.  That the person cared so much, to hide such huge feelings from me.

 

 

???!!!!

 

Whoa.  Wow.  

 

 

If I learned my mom regretted adopting me?  And that she broadcast that on social media?!  You could not possibly convince me to not have a problem with that.  

 

Honest feelings are one thing.  But, like I tell my teenagers, some feelings are not meant to be broadcast.

 

There is a time and place for talking about deeply painful and personal feelings regarding one's children. The internet is not that place.  

[Jean in Newcastle]

Wait. . . this sounds like this is someone you know personally?  Why aren't you talking to the mother directly then instead of complaining about her on the internet?  What if she reads this and recognizes herself?  Why aren't you holding yourself to the same standard?  And if you are really concerned about her child and their relationship, why aren't you directly helping them to see the problem with some grace?

 

I do agree that we need to be mindful of other people's feelings and privacy.  I know a lot of people here on WTM in real life.  I keep that in mind with every single thing I type.  

[Pronghorn]

What if someone cannot find support in real life? What if that person is hanging by a thread and hears about a supportive Internet group? Sometimes when you have a special situation you really can't find real life support.

[Aelwydd]

 

 

I use my kids' real names here, but I'd never again put anything about them out on the Interwebs that I wouldn't mind the whole world knowing, including their future employers.    

 

ETA: In case you want to know what happened: http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/525/call-for-help

 

Yes.  YES. If employers and other interested parties use my information that I post on social sites now to make decisions about me, why in all the seven hells wouldn't future agencies do the same with my child's information? 

 

Got issues with learning? Check. 

Got info on family illnesses and genetic issues? Check.

Got information on family financial background and stability? Check. 

Got information on child's emotional and/or psychological behaviors? Check.

 

 

 

There's an avalanche of information for those who know how to look and have a motivation.  Please, guard your child's privacy!

[Carol in Cal.]

And if you REALLY want to get appalled, read "The Circle" by David Eggers. 

[Guest submarines]

What if someone cannot find support in real life? What if that person is hanging by a thread and hears about a supportive Internet group? Sometimes when you have a special situation you really can't find real life support.

 

It is possible to find support without broadcasting one's child's name + photos + behavioral issues to their community. Disgraceful, selfish and irresponsible.

[msjones]

Wait. . . this sounds like this is someone you know personally?  Why aren't you talking to the mother directly then instead of complaining about her on the internet?  What if she reads this and recognizes herself?  Why aren't you holding yourself to the same standard?  And if you are really concerned about her child and their relationship, why aren't you directly helping them to see the problem with some grace?

 

I do agree that we need to be mindful of other people's feelings and privacy.  I know a lot of people here on WTM in real life.  I keep that in mind with every single thing I type.  

 

You are driving home my point.  

 

I hardly know this person.  

 

I am considering a phone call, but haven't decided.  Again, I barely know her. 

[EndOfOrdinary]

I have no idea who this person is or the extent of their sharing. On our blog I went silent when my son and I had some serious emotional distress and have been for two-ish years for us to rebuild. He has been completely involved in decisions to begin posting again and gets total say over what is covered that has to do with him. So I do understand where you are coming from. At 10 he has no concept of his future desire for privacy. As his parent, I need to be aware of that.

 

However, I think some of this might be cultural. My husband is from the rural South. I am a Northerner. My definition of topics okay to discuss with friends is vastly different than his. He has openly said I am never to say even the slightest thing disparaging about him to ANYONE. He strongly emphasized the anyone. I am only to speak positively of him at all times. He was appalled that I called my best friend after we had a fight and blurted out a tear/anger filled fuss. Now, she has been married. She understands emotional flip outs. She even said that it was obvious she only got one side and was supportive to me without hating Dh. To me that was normal. To Dh it was slanderous and borderline worth never trusting me again. His best friend and whole family agreed (all rural Georgia). They would never dream of such a thing. Not even to their parents. No negative comments, ever, to anyone, if you are married. The only guy who totally backed me up married into the family from New England and his wife was completely mad and demanded to know what he had said and to whom. I mean, she was really hurt. Family and friends do not discuss politics, gossip, sex, or negativity. To me this was a big WTF?!?

 

So over-sharing might just have certain boundaries in certain places, depending on cultural norms. It honestly would never have occurred to me. As I have gotten older, my father has been incredibly open about my parent's divorce, relationships issues, stuff with my brother (ASD). My best friends and I have helped each other through adultery, divorce, serious medical stuff with our kids, rejoining the dating pool, etc. I mean, wow, that is all off the table for Dh's family/friends. To Dh, this is serious over sharing.

[unsinkable]

You are driving home my point.

 

I hardly know this person.

 

I am considering a phone call, but haven't decided. Again, I barely know her.

If this woman has a blog with identifying information about her children and is over sharing personal details of her children's lives then I think SHE is the problem, not you. Comparing what she is doing to what you are doing in this thread is comparing apples to oranges, IMO.

 

You could make a throw-away email account and tell her of your concerns. Send it to her blog. Just matter of factly say something like ... I see you're struggling with XYZ and sometimes when I am caught up in stressful situations like yours, I might not make the best decisions for the long term. Sharing these intimate details about your family might not be the best long term decision, given how things written on the Internet don't go away...etc, etc.

[SKL]

I don't know which blog you are talking about, so I'm kind of in the dark there.  I'm an adoptive parent who reads blogs and participates in forums / private groups.  (I always use a pseudonym, but there are individuals in each group who know me IRL.)

 

On one adoption forum I was active on, I noticed that people were pretty free about sharing stuff up until their kids were maybe about 4yo.  At that point potty problems etc. become things you don't share publicly with people who might know your kid.  We still share about some difficulties, but on a private fb group.  Even then, most people try to be respectful of their kids' separateness.

 

I share some things.  Mostly things that I think are not *that* embarrassing.  My kids might disagree.  But there are times when the benefit of other parents' experience and compassion outweighs the value of absolute privacy.

[Guest]

I have no idea who this person is or the extent of their sharing. On our blog I went silent when my son and I had some serious emotional distress and have been for two-ish years for us to rebuild. He has been completely involved in decisions to begin posting again and gets total say over what is covered that has to do with him. So I do understand where you are coming from. At 10 he has no concept of his future desire for privacy. As his parent, I need to be aware of that.

 

However, I think some of this might be cultural. My husband is from the rural South. I am a Northerner. My definition of topics okay to discuss with friends is vastly different than his. He has openly said I am never to say even the slightest thing disparaging about him to ANYONE. He strongly emphasized the anyone. I am only to speak positively of him at all times. He was appalled that I called my best friend after we had a fight and blurted out a tear/anger filled fuss. Now, she has been married. She understands emotional flip outs. She even said that it was obvious she only got one side and was supportive to me without hating Dh. To me that was normal. To Dh it was slanderous and borderline worth never trusting me again. His best friend and whole family agreed (all rural Georgia). They would never dream of such a thing. Not even to their parents. No negative comments, ever, to anyone, if you are married. The only guy who totally backed me up married into the family from New England and his wife was completely mad and demanded to know what he had said and to whom. I mean, she was really hurt. Family and friends do not discuss politics, gossip, sex, or negativity. To me this was a big WTF?!?

 

So over-sharing might just have certain boundaries in certain places, depending on cultural norms. It honestly would never have occurred to me. As I have gotten older, my father has been incredibly open about my parent's divorce, relationships issues, stuff with my brother (ASD). My best friends and I have helped each other through adultery, divorce, serious medical stuff with our kids, rejoining the dating pool, etc. I mean, wow, that is all off the table for Dh's family/friends. To Dh, this is serious over sharing.

Fascinating. I would have pegged the cultural norms the opposite way. I'm in Maryland, which has a combination of open/relaxed and uptight/closed cultures, but I associate the open aspects with the southern cultural influence and the closed aspects with northern influence. I view myself as very closed. If dh an I have a fight, I am extremely unlikely to tell anyone. If one of my kids has a major issue -same. It's generally considered gauche to introduce topics of religion or politics with anyone whom you don't know quite well.

[Guest submarines]

If this woman has a blog with identifying information about her children and is over sharing personal details of her children's lives then I think SHE is the problem, not you. Comparing what she is doing to what you are doing in this thread is comparing apples to oranges, IMO.

 

You could make a throw-away email account and tell her of your concerns. Send it to her blog. Just matter of factly say something like ... I see you're struggling with XYZ and sometimes when I am caught up in stressful situations like yours, I might not make the best decisions for the long term. Sharing these intimate details about your family might not be the best long term decision, given how things written on the Internet don't go away...etc, etc.

 

I once reached out to a blogger like this. She was sharing very sensitive information about her very shy and sensitive DD (as per her blog). That wasn't someone that I knew personally, but we were on the same baby board, I read her blog for over a decade. I had genuine concerns about her DD's psychological health if she were to read that blog, and since the mom also had her full name + photos + practically her address on the blog I was worried that child could be become prey to ped******s.

 

I was more than kind and compassionate in my email to her, but it did nothing.

 

I'm not sure if I was the only one who reached out or there were more people (she had a large readership at that point), but her next post was about "some morons emailing her and telling her how to live her life" and then more "justifications" on why she shared what she shared and will continue.

 

However, I later realized, that despite her seeming openness about everything, it was quite likely that the blog was a work of semi-fiction, produced by a mentally unstable person. Her children, name, address--that was all true. But the stories she was spinning? Most likely exaggerations. Which didn't make me less worried about her children who are even more vulnerable, but it also made me realize that this is not a person anyone could "reach" with a kind and empathetic and logical email.

 

The internet is a strange, dark place. ;-)

[unsinkable]

I once reached out to a blogger like this. She was sharing very sensitive information about her very shy and sensitive DD (as per her blog). That wasn't someone that I knew personally, but we were on the same baby board, I read her blog for over a decade. I had genuine concerns about her DD's psychological health if she were to read that blog, and since the mom also had her full name + photos + practically her address on the blog I was worried that child could be become prey to ped******s.

 

I was more than kind and compassionate in my email to her, but it did nothing.

 

I'm not sure if I was the only one who reached out or there were more people (she had a large readership at that point), but her next post was about "some morons emailing her and telling her how to live her life" and then more "justifications" on why she shared what she shared and will continue.

 

However, I later realized, that despite her seeming openness about everything, it was quite likely that the blog was a work of semi-fiction, produced by a mentally unstable person. Her children, name, address--that was all true. But the stories she was spinning? Most likely exaggerations. Which didn't make me less worried about her children who are even more vulnerable, but it also made me realize that this is not a person anyone could "reach" with a kind and empathetic and logical email.

 

The internet is a strange, dark place. ;-)

It sounds to me like you did what you felt was appropriate. You spoke up for someone (the child) who was vulnerable. You can't control the blogger's interpretation or response.

 

I suggested email to ms jones because it is easier to do than calling. I don't think ms jones needs to be taken to task for talking about public blogs on a public message board but if ms jones herself feels like she should share her misgivings with the blogger, she could try email.

 

But as you pointed out, it might not have any effect.

[hornblower]

I appreciated msjones' post as a reminder to all of us here - I thought it was a psa as much as specific issue she had observed. 

I appreciated it because it reminded me to go back once more and check if my posts (of the "pls don't quote, I'll prob delete later" variety) had been cleaned up. Turns out I'd missed one so thx OP. 


 

[Catwoman]

I have no idea who this person is or the extent of their sharing. On our blog I went silent when my son and I had some serious emotional distress and have been for two-ish years for us to rebuild. He has been completely involved in decisions to begin posting again and gets total say over what is covered that has to do with him. So I do understand where you are coming from. At 10 he has no concept of his future desire for privacy. As his parent, I need to be aware of that.

 

However, I think some of this might be cultural. My husband is from the rural South. I am a Northerner. My definition of topics okay to discuss with friends is vastly different than his. He has openly said I am never to say even the slightest thing disparaging about him to ANYONE. He strongly emphasized the anyone. I am only to speak positively of him at all times. He was appalled that I called my best friend after we had a fight and blurted out a tear/anger filled fuss. Now, she has been married. She understands emotional flip outs. She even said that it was obvious she only got one side and was supportive to me without hating Dh. To me that was normal. To Dh it was slanderous and borderline worth never trusting me again. His best friend and whole family agreed (all rural Georgia). They would never dream of such a thing. Not even to their parents. No negative comments, ever, to anyone, if you are married. The only guy who totally backed me up married into the family from New England and his wife was completely mad and demanded to know what he had said and to whom. I mean, she was really hurt. Family and friends do not discuss politics, gossip, sex, or negativity. To me this was a big WTF?!?

 

So over-sharing might just have certain boundaries in certain places, depending on cultural norms. It honestly would never have occurred to me. As I have gotten older, my father has been incredibly open about my parent's divorce, relationships issues, stuff with my brother (ASD). My best friends and I have helped each other through adultery, divorce, serious medical stuff with our kids, rejoining the dating pool, etc. I mean, wow, that is all off the table for Dh's family/friends. To Dh, this is serious over sharing.

I don't know that this is a regional thing as much as a family culture thing. I'm from the NYC area and I would never tell a friend the details of an argument I had with my dh, or about my sex life, and no one I know talks about their church or religion unless it's in fairly general terms.

 

I think there are plenty of "over-sharers" and "non-sharers," no matter where you live. It just depends on the people you happen to meet and the types of people with whom you tend to make friends.

[Tsuga]

OMG. I read that article and the comments when it came out.

 

People were awful.

 

 

I used to keep a blog about our life living aboard our sailboat with our son. We started cruising with him when he was 6 months old, and I documented everything that we experienced -- the good and the bad. We had lots of people following our journey, but eventually, the amount of criticism that we received because of our cruising lifestyle became emotionally overwhelming and damaging for me. People had actually started stalking us. It was nuts. So, I stopped the blog. Lesson learned.

 

Over the years, I've met many other sailors who keep cruising blogs -- many with kids. Based on my experience, I always secretly cringed inside when I'd read their blogs, hoping that they never had to experience what we did -- that is, until our friends and their kids were rescued in the middle of the Pacific by the U.S. Navy, and had their every parenting decision become the subject of a national debate (including a story on the front page of the NYT and on several morning news shows). You don't even want to know the horrific things trolls posted on their blog or emailed to them -- telling them that they wished they had died/sunk to bottom of the sea with their boat/home, what abusive, selfish a-holes they are, how CPS should take their kids away, etc -- and those are some of the mild ones. And yes, reporters and other nosey Parkers went back through every single blog post written and picked them apart/distorted them. Even if pseudonyms had been used, none of it would have remained anonymous in this digital age. It was all put out there for public consumption, and when the sh*t hit the fan, the public ate it up.

 

I use my kids' real names here, but I'd never again put anything about them out on the Interwebs that I wouldn't mind the whole world knowing, including their future employers.    

 

ETA: In case you want to know what happened: http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/525/call-for-help

 

[Catwoman]

I appreciated msjones' post as a reminder to all of us here - I thought it was a psa as much as specific issue she had observed.

 

I appreciated it because it reminded me to go back once more and check if my posts (of the "pls don't quote, I'll prob delete later" variety) had been cleaned up. Turns out I'd missed one so thx OP.

 

:iagree:

 

Frankly, I was surprised when anyone disagreed with her. It seemed like common sense to me.

 

I know that technically we are anonymous on this forum, but even if we put aside the concern that people outside our families will figure out our true identities and learn more about us than we would like, I see an even bigger concern -- if we post all kinds of potentially embarrassing or hurtful things about our children, what if our children get online one day and read every word?

 

I have read posts on this forum that have made me cringe because they were so mean, and have worried that the posters' children would read them one day. Sure, often they were "heat of the moment" comments, but if my mom had posted them and I read them, I would have been so hurt.

[Lady Florida.]

 

 

Over the years, I've met many other sailors who keep cruising blogs -- many with kids. Based on my experience, I always secretly cringed inside when I'd read their blogs, hoping that they never had to experience what we did -- that is, until our friends and their kids were rescued in the middle of the Pacific by the U.S. Navy, and had their every parenting decision become the subject of a national debate (including a story on the front page of the NYT and on several morning news shows). You don't even want to know the horrific things trolls posted on their blog or emailed to them -- telling them that they wished they had died/sunk to bottom of the sea with their boat/home, what abusive, selfish a-holes they are, how CPS should take their kids away, etc -- and those are some of the mild ones. And yes, reporters and other nosey Parkers went back through every single blog post written and picked them apart/distorted them. Even if pseudonyms had been used, none of it would have remained anonymous in this digital age. It was all put out there for public consumption, and when the sh*t hit the fan, the public ate it up.

 

I use my kids' real names here, but I'd never again put anything about them out on the Interwebs that I wouldn't mind the whole world knowing, including their future employers.    

 

ETA: In case you want to know what happened: http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/525/call-for-help

 

I remember that story, and even listened to it on This American Life. I also remember how awful people were to that family. I listened to the guy explain what happened, and remember thinking that anyone who doesn't know about sailing a a lifestyle (not just a weekend fun thing) really had no business getting in that family's business.

 

I haven't blogged in ages, but when I used to, I kept the really personal stuff off of my blog. I always asked my son if he minded if I put a picture of him on it. I still ask if he minds me sharing photos of him and updates about what he's doing, on facebook. Even here on the forum, where I've talked about his ADHD, it's because he and I have discussed it and he doesn't mind me sharing his experience with having the disorder.

[Catwoman]

I haven't blogged in ages, but when I used to, I kept the really personal stuff off of my blog. I always asked my son if he minded if I put a picture of him on it. I still ask if he minds me sharing photos of him and updates about what he's doing, on facebook. Even here on the forum, where I've talked about his ADHD, it's because he and I have discussed it and he doesn't mind me sharing his experience with having the disorder.

I think that is a very sensible approach. :hurray:

[Arcadia]

I think there are plenty of "over-sharers" and "non-sharers," no matter where you live. It just depends on the people you happen to meet and the types of people with whom you tend to make friends.

:iagree:

 

A friend keeps a blog about her kids and only put the normal or good stuff.  Some people are gossipy  and some who follow her blog are friends so it make sense to not air dirty linen in public.

[Catwoman]

:iagree:

 

A friend keeps a blog about her kids and only put the normal or good stuff. Some people are gossipy and some who follow her blog are friends so it make sense to not air dirty linen in public.

:iagree:

 

I always cringe when I see a blog post that starts with, "Little Jason did the most embarrassing thing today!" :ack2:

 

It really bugs me when people post humiliating things about their kids for entertainment value, often complete with multiple photos. :glare:

 

If you absolutely feel the need to share the embarrassing moment with someone, tell your dh. Don't tell the world.

[Guest submarines]

:iagree:

 

Frankly, I was surprised when anyone disagreed with her. It seemed like common sense to me.

 

I know that technically we are anonymous on this forum, but even if we put aside the concern that people outside our families will figure out our true identities and learn more about us than we would like, I see an even bigger concern -- if we post all kinds of potentially embarrassing or hurtful things about our children, what if our children get online one day and read every word?

 

I have read posts on this forum that have made me cringe because they were so mean, and have worried that the posters' children would read them one day. Sure, often they were "heat of the moment" comments, but if my mom had posted them and I read them, I would have been so hurt.

 

I posted a similar thread before--a warning about oversharing on mommy blogs, and was met with the same reaction. I was surprised with how many people disagreed and defended their right to blog freely about their children.

 

Oh well.

 

[Momof3]

I think there's a big difference between asking for online help in an as-discreet-as-possible manner, and maintaining a running commentary on the details of my kids' lives - with pictures, names, etc.  I can see *no* justifiable reason for the latter. (I have friends with blogs available only to select friends/family...and that's a *little* different...but still not something I could be personally comfortable with.)

[hornblower]

I wonder what it's going to be like in a few years, with the kids of the big mommy bloggers growing up. You know the ones - I'm not naming names but I can think of 3 big professional bloggers off the top of my head who I think have done their kids a huge disservice by not quitting and shuttering up the blogs years ago.  Though in some ways, I guess it's no different than families being in traveling circus or other entertainment troupe - shoving the kids out front & profiting from their performance. It's all kind of weird when you think about it.

[unsinkable]

I posted a similar thread before--a warning about oversharing on mommy blogs, and was met with the same reaction. I was surprised with how many people disagreed and defended their right to blog freely about their children.

 

Oh well.

 

Yep. I think I remember which one you are talking about bc I have felt the same way about this topic for quite some time.

 

It is a very sticky situation, IMO.

[LMV]

I don't have a blog but I have shared things about our children on this forum.  I've done it when it seemed relevant and potentially helpful to someone else.  I haven't shared anything about my children that I wouldn't be comfortable with them reading in the moment or years down the road. I also don't believe I have shared anything about their lives which is hurtful or shaming or should be (yes, I realize that we all have our own views of what is shame worthy but we're raising our children in that context so I think they will ok). I also post anonymously referring to my children by gender and age (i.e. DD5 or DFD10) not by name and without identifying locations. My kids have had their privacy pierced much more by sports recruiting websites, local "journalists", and some individuals who struggle with compassion, than by anything I have shared or will ever share on anonymous forum.

[Guest submarines]

I wonder what it's going to be like in a few years, with the kids of the big mommy bloggers growing up. You know the ones - I'm not naming names but I can think of 3 big professional bloggers off the top of my head who I think have done their kids a huge disservice by not quitting and shuttering up the blogs years ago.  Though in some ways, I guess it's no different than families being in traveling circus or other entertainment troupe - shoving the kids out front & profiting from their performance. It's all kind of weird when you think about it.

 

It is different because if you are a part of a circus family at least you are aware, from early on, that this is your family's business and you learn to perform. There's also, I bet, more separation between private and public and more control of what is exposed.

 

When a child has a an emotional / embarrassing moment and later finds out that what was expected to be private was revealed to thousands of readers (or a dozen, doesn't matter) for the sake of "content"? That's just sick. That child wasn't performing for the audience.

 

And even if bloggers ask their children for permission to post certain content, this still doesn't equate informed consent, because a child can't possibly comprehend what's this all entails. This is more akin to a circus family--the child learns to perform for content, even is subconsciously. But here private life is turned into performance, by design.

 

How these bloggers don't see what they are doing that's beyond me.

[Hen]

I read a pretty good fiction book, famous baby, that deals with a child of a famous blogger growing up and how it impacted her.

 

I have a blog, I try to not get too personal and I don't share my kids' real names.  I've thought a lot about not blogging the last year or two.