What to do when you are feeling wound up tight...TENSION.

[fairfarmhand]

My dd is in a bad way today. Lousy attitudes carrying over from a huge blow up yesterday. Sending her to her room is impossible because she needs to do school. There's very little I can do to MAKE her be nice. Addressing it head on only exacerbates the problem, so the only thing I can do is wait out the storm.

 

Related to yesterday's blowout is the general yucky feelings from everyone else in the family toward my dd. Trying to forgive, and move on takes some time. Younger siblings don't want to be around her, so I have to take them all to the ortho with me and another child because I don't trust oldest to not be unkind and crabby to siblings.

 

Also, I am trying to figure out Christmas with another family member who has no concept of appropriate family relationships.  We go in cycles of semi-peace, then this person pulls a stupid stunt and we get back to stress and tension. I know this person won't be happy with the Christmas plans that we will schedule, but I'm unwilling to change things to make this person happy.

 

I despise conflict. It makes me feel sick.

 

So I'm wound up tighter than a pocket watch.

 

Don't quite know how to deal with it.

 

Besides eating...don't want to start down that road.

[Cindy in FL.]

Exercise, meditation, soothing music, a funny movie, a hot bath, or distracting myself with a project of some sort are things that work for me. I am sorry that your daughter is having a difficult day and hope it all gets better soon!

[MysteryJen]

When I feel like that, I tend to start new projects. Huge declutttering at home or quilt/sewing/crochet/embroidery projects. Hand crafts have gotten me through a lot of hard times. And also through the just sort of restless tense stress of life with teens.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Booze.

 

Not a lot of booze.  But yeah sometimes I just have a drink if I'm not leaving the house.

 

I know, that's probably not good advice.  It's just honest advice.  LOL

 

Sorry you are going through this. 

[jenn-]

Another exerciser here. It has to be an intense workout though. If you are just walking you can still be mulling over the stressful stuff.

[bettyandbob]

intense, really intense workout. very sweaty. physically exhausted.

[Janie Grace]

TeA of course!

 

Also: long walk, hot shower, red wine, phone call to close friend.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Magnesium.  Hot epsom salt bath (more magnesium).  Magnesium helps relax those tense muscles and helps with stress in general.  

[fairfarmhand]

So you guys are saying, I need to do a hard workout, followed by a long Epsoms salt bath while drinking wine, hot tea, etc. And chatting on the phone with a friend. Followed by teA.

[MiMi 4under3]

Don't forget the chocolate!

[Mukmuk]

Music, meditation- anything that buys you inner space and calm.

 

Sorry you have to go through this. I hope this passes soon.

[Elisabet1]

I am right now and I am choosing to sit here reading everyone's posts and replying.

 

That might not be the best way to deal with it though.

 

I feel like posting everything going on, but I also feel like someone always has to get in and be snarky and point out what they think of me. 

[mamaraby]

So you guys are saying, I need to do a hard workout, followed by a long Epsoms salt bath while drinking wine, hot tea, etc. And chatting on the phone with a friend. Followed by teA.

Sounds like a plan! Maybe add in some lavender essential oil in the bath?

 

On the other hand, the wine would probably put me to sleep so if it were me I'd probably have to rearrange the order of events.

[Elisabet1]

Sometimes, I call a friend and go out to eat. That gets things away for a little bit.

[fairfarmhand]

I am right now and I am choosing to sit here reading everyone's posts and replying.

 

That might not be the best way to deal with it though.

 

I feel like posting everything going on, but I also feel like someone always has to get in and be snarky and point out what they think of me. 

I know.

 

I just got screamed at. In my face.

 

I'll be leaving in about 15 minutes, and it's kind of going to be a relief.

[maize]

As an introvert, when I feel wound up inside I have to find some time alone. Go for a walk, take a bubble bath, lock the bedroom door and read forum posts...

[Wilma]

We had a rough morning (though, from the sounds of it, not as bad as y'all's) and singing together restored peace and goodwill in our home. Weird. But good.

[jenn-]

You asked how to deal with your stress from this situation, but what do you do when she is behaving like this?  Mine would be in push up h&ll if she treated anyone like that and screaming in the face might actually end up with her pinned to the floor (with control so no one thinks she would be getting actually harmed) until she got herself under control.  The Golden Rule has to come into effect every once in a while even when the treatment isn't a pleasant one.

[Critterfixer]

A good run helps. If I can't run (let's say as an example that it's cold and yucky and I would feel dismal just looking at it let alone being in it) I will promise myself something after the kids are in bed. It might involve chocolate, but it often involves a session of writing, or reading, or an extra long shower, maybe a movie in bed watching it on the laptop--ultimate luxury for me. It could be two ibuprofen and an early bedtime. Just something to get me past the present and into the future.

[Jennifer132]

I'm feeling the same way about my dd today. I find organizing helps me cope, so I ended up organizing the garage today.

[fairfarmhand]

You asked how to deal with your stress from this situation, but what do you do when she is behaving like this?  Mine would be in push up h&ll if she treated anyone like that and screaming in the face might actually end up with her pinned to the floor (with control so no one thinks she would be getting actually harmed) until she got herself under control.  The Golden Rule has to come into effect every once in a while even when the treatment isn't a pleasant one.

 

She's bigger and stronger than I am.

 

What do you do if they flat out refuse pushups? Seriously, when she's like this, consequences and tough love only exacerbate the situation. There is NOTHING that can help except time.

 

[Harriet Vane]

She's bigger and stronger than I am.

 

What do you do if they flat out refuse pushups? Seriously, when she's like this, consequences and tough love only exacerbate the situation. There is NOTHING that can help except time.

 

 

:grouphug:

 

When she is calm, and the storm is passed, can you talk about the hell she puts everyone through when she is unhappy? Her family will put up with it, but someday her roommates or her spouse will not.

 

If she is not able to talk calmly about her coping mechanisms with you, then this needs to be done in a therapist's office.

 

The end result should be:

 

--You (possibly siblings also?) need to be able to gently confront her about her behavior and the emotional hostage-holding that results until the storm has blown over.

 

--SHE needs to self-analyze what she is feeling/thinking internally that keeps her trapped in this state.

 

--An agreement needs to be made for alternate behaviors. Does she need to isolate herself? Go work at the library for a day? Get an extra workout? Ride her horse? What new routine can she engage in to dissipate that negative energy rather than pouring it all over her family?

 

--Then, when the blowup happens, there needs to be an agreed-upon, safe way for both parties to express the need for that alternate behavior. Keep it simple. Something like, "Things are tense and we need a time-out." Then everyone does the previously agreed upon new routine.

[Tiramisu]

She's bigger and stronger than I am.

 

What do you do if they flat out refuse pushups? Seriously, when she's like this, consequences and tough love only exacerbate the situation. There is NOTHING that can help except time.

 

 

You are exactly right. Time is the only help when certain kids get this way. And your job--until they cool off and the situation can be discussed and dealt with--is to do what you can to keep yourself okay, for your own sake and for the rest of your family. 

[Mrs Mungo]

So you guys are saying, I need to do a hard workout, followed by a long Epsoms salt bath while drinking wine, hot tea, etc. And chatting on the phone with a friend. Followed by teA.

 

Yes, exactly! :D

 

And I have three teenagers in my house. I sympathize deeply. 

 

[KrissiK]

Escape! Mentally. I always try to have some show I'm watching on Amazon Prime. So, I just hide out in my room and watch that for a while. It kind of gives my mind a break.

[hornblower]

I've started taking 5 htp & l-theanine. I got them for dd but they've helped me as much if not more in terms of not getting sucked into the crayzay. 

And 10 min mindfulness meditations: Tara Brach has many. Like this one. Sam Harris has one. Repeat as necessary.

[fairfarmhand]

I've started taking 5 htp & l-theanine. I got them for dd but they've helped me as much if not more in terms of not getting sucked into the crayzay. 

 

And 10 min mindfulness meditations: Tara Brach has many. Like this one. Sam Harris has one. Repeat as necessary.

thank you. I'll look into that.

[bolt.]

Lots of good ideas. One not yet mentioned: distracting, trashy reading material. (For you, I mean.) (On the other hand, how old is your DD?)

[maize]

Is distraction a possibility for her?

 

My emotionally volatile DD is only 7, so much younger. Her meltdowns are violent, but often I am able to distract her by turning on an audiobook or a video. Maybe sometime when your DD is calm you and she could brainstorm some "reset" activities for her--read a book, watch a video, drink a cup of hot cocoa...comfort activities and comfort foods that might be able to pull her brain out of the negative cycle.

[fairfarmhand]

Is distraction a possibility for her?

 

My emotionally volatile DD is only 7, so much younger. Her meltdowns are violent, but often I am able to distract her by turning on an audiobook or a video. Maybe sometime when your DD is calm you and she could brainstorm some "reset" activities for her--read a book, watch a video, drink a cup of hot cocoa...comfort activities and comfort foods that might be able to pull her brain out of the negative cycle.

I think this worked.

 

She worked this afternoon.

 

And she came home apologetic and rational.

[fairfarmhand]

Lots of good ideas. One not yet mentioned: distracting, trashy reading material. (For you, I mean.) (On the other hand, how old is your DD?)

She's 17.

 

The thing that so difficult when she gets this way is that she's so wound up that she insists that its EVERYONE else who is at fault. She shouldn't have to do ANYTHING because it's NOT HER!

[Murphy101]

Clean.

Organize.

Repair.

Create.

Prayer.

Laugh.

Move.

Light.

Eat together. (Preferably eat well too, but I find eating together is more important to healthy attitude.)

 

Today I mixed up a wood repair thingy I saw on Pinterest to see if it would work miracles in my much scratched and gauged woodwork throughout the house. It did! So I spent some time rubbing a rag all over my entry wood baseboards and the both sides of the stairway.

 

I organized my yarn closet and set up everything I need for the next few projects I want to do.

 

Spent some time discussing scheduling and class options for next semester with the kids.

 

Yesterday I gave a go at making two at a time mittens for the first time. Today I'm casting on for a second pair of mitts for someone else.

 

Watched Elf yesterday.

 

Mass. A quiet one if possible. Adoration. It's almost always quiet.

 

Exercise. Even if it's just a walk.

 

Open the curtains. Go for a drive. Get out of the house. Get into some sunshine.

 

Even if you aren't following a very healthy diet, eating together improves moods and makes people feel connected. If the meal being eaten can be healthy and prepared together too? - all the better.

 

Decompress and reaccess and then do something.

[bolt.]

She's 17.

 

The thing that so difficult when she gets this way is that she's so wound up that she insists that its EVERYONE else who is at fault. She shouldn't have to do ANYTHING because it's NOT HER!

It might help to frame strategies as, "The things I can do to feel better when the world is against me." Not things she should do, or has to do, or things that must be justified.

 

(Then let the 'I guess it might have been me' moment occur naturally.)

 

With my highly emotional 10yo we use the vocabulary of a 'feeling storm' and strategize about (1) trying to stay comfortable and (2) do no damage (physical, relational) until they pass.

 

We acknowledge that feeling storms always feel very real while they are happening, and that's ok. It's just one if the things that makes a storm a storm.

[Murphy101]

Oh and the most important one.

 

Refuse to engage in a losing battle.

 

Made your decision about christmas? Alrighty then. Nothing else to discuss about it so don't.

 

She wants to blame everyone else? Nope. Not gonna listen to that nonsense. Go do something else.

 

Repeat. A lot.

[Elisabet1]

She's 17.

 

The thing that so difficult when she gets this way is that she's so wound up that she insists that its EVERYONE else who is at fault. She shouldn't have to do ANYTHING because it's NOT HER!

Yeah...sounds like my daughter.

 

I wish I could help more. But, I cannot even solve my issues!!   (((hugs))))

[MiMi 4under3]

 

Seriously, when she's like this, consequences and tough love only exacerbate the situation. There is NOTHING that can help except time.

 

 

I have one like that ^^^

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  

[sparrow]

Walking outside and coloring are what help me the most. Buy a brand new box of crayons and a coloring book.

[applethyme]

When dd7 gets like that I turn up the radio and sing.  Loudly.  She will escape to her room (because I don't sing well).  After a few songs she will come out of her room.  She is much calmer.  Its hard to argue and fight if one person is singing instead of engaging in the fight.

[jenn-]

She's bigger and stronger than I am.

 

What do you do if they flat out refuse pushups? Seriously, when she's like this, consequences and tough love only exacerbate the situation. There is NOTHING that can help except time.

 

 

At 17 you probably won't be able to control her in this way.  My daughter has been expected to be immediately obedient from the get go.  That doesn't mean she doesn't hoot, holler, and stomp her feet while complying, but she does comply.  At various times her time outs went from standing on the wall, to standing on the wall on her tippy toes, to on tippy toes with arms straight up, to full on chair squat on the wall (this ended up coming handy with gymnastics).  As puberty hit and snapping and irrationality set in, she walked the dog.  She gave attitude, I pointed to the door and kicked her out.  Usually it took once or twice around the block was all it took.  I've only had to go all crazy mommy on her once (she is my size and was at that time) and I'm pretty sure it freaked her out enough that she's never gone that far again.  Once we were both calmed down I informed her that it is my job to let her know when she was on a path that needed a change of direction and how she needed to recognize those moments herself. 

 

Does she see a therapist?  Do you?  How about the other kids in the family?  Everyone might need some one on one with the therapist so they have a safe place to discuss their feelings about how their sister behaves.  Even if she refuses to go, it might be good for everyone else.  Then mark the day she turns 18 on the calendar and let her know that's move out date if her attitude doesn't improve.

[Mrs Mungo]

Honestly (and I suggest this all of the time), I would *also* suggest looking at her diet. I have one who is absolutely HORRIBLE if she hasn't eaten, hasn't eaten enough protein and/or has eaten too many carbs. We still speak of The Day She Ate a Whole Package of Bagels. But, once her blood sugar is stable, she is fine and apologizes and doesn't understand what happened. Just something else to consider. I keep lots of boiled eggs and cheese on hand.

[maize]

I think blood sugar is a factor for my DD as well. Ir is actually her older sister who usually remembers to ask if she is hungry when she is in meltdown mode.

[Jann in TX]

((hugs)).  You have described my middle dd-- except she was physically abusing me (age 12-14 in particular).

With my dd her issues revolved around her thyroid and also her having PCOS (and related insulin resistance).  Her poor body is ALWAYS out of whack-- think your absolute worst day of PMS and that would be what a GOOD day for her is!

 

It is tough when you get to the point when you can't just send them to their room or assign extra chores-- if you try to react then they make your life H*LL. 

 

It was hard to learn to pick battles-- we avoided confrontation at great cost.  I

 

We tried counseling for her--one counselor actually made it WORSE-- she actually empowered dd to take control and force us to stay inside the house any time she (dd) wanted to ride her bike or jog-- WE HAVE 12 ACRES!  She would wait until I was outside playing with younger dd and/or the dogs then DEMAND that we go back inside as she had the 'right' to be outside alone!!!  UGG!   DH and I went to counseling-- not on how to parent but how to deal with the guilt of being the parent of a child like her...it did help.

 

It does get better-- we went into debt to send her away to college 4 hours away... our relationship and overall family health has been healing ever since.She turns 22 next week and is actually pleasant to be around (most of the time)... glimpses of maturity...

[Lizzie in Ma]

Booze.

 

Not a lot of booze.  But yeah sometimes I just have a drink if I'm not leaving the house.

 

I know, that's probably not good advice.  It's just honest advice.  LOL

 

Sorry you are going through this. 

 

Pretty much me too, things are too hard to discuss, blog or facebook, don't feel like I can share with anyone except my journal these days.  So it's beer and rereading books I love for me.

[Lizzie in Ma]

I know.

 

I just got screamed at. In my face.

 

I'll be leaving in about 15 minutes, and it's kind of going to be a relief.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:

[maize]

In my dh, depression expresses as irrationality, irritability, and anger. Medication helps immensely.

 

With the kids, I will first do what I can with diet, exercise, teaching coping skills, encouraging reset activities...medication remains an option if others fail. As difficult as it is to live with a person caught in a negative cycle, it must be so much worse actually being that person.

 

I think that people who confidently claim that the right parenting approach will resolve such issues don't understand the irrationality of a child dealing with emotional deregulation. Rules and consequences don't work because they depend on emotional control and rational interpretation of cause and effect. Some children are able to reason through emotion--I have one who can. But I also have children (and a husband) for whom the emotional experience is so all-encompassing they are unable to see beyond it. Logic is meaningless, consequences are meaningless, progress is impossible unless and until the emotional cycle can be broken and reset. Punishments don't help with that-- mostly they seem to exacerbate the problem.

[Tiramisu]

In my dh, depression expresses as irrationality, irritability, and anger. Medication helps immensely.

 

With the kids, I will first do what I can with diet, exercise, teaching coping skills, encouraging reset activities...medication remains an option if others fail. As difficult as it is to live with a person caught in a negative cycle, it must be so much worse actually being that person.

 

I think that people who confidently claim that the right parenting approach will resolve such issues don't understand the irrationality of a child dealing with emotional deregulation. Rules and consequences don't work because they depend on emotional control and rational interpretation of cause and effect. Some children are able to reason through emotion--I have one who can. But I also have children (and a husband) for whom the emotional experience is so all-encompassing they are unable to see beyond it. Logic is meaningless, consequences are meaningless, progress is impossible unless and until the emotional cycle can be broken and reset. Punishments don't help with that-- mostly they seem to exacerbate the problem.

 

Excellent post. I can't like it enough.

[fairfarmhand]

 

I think that people who confidently claim that the right parenting approach will resolve such issues don't understand the irrationality of a child dealing with emotional deregulation. Rules and consequences don't work because they depend on emotional control and rational interpretation of cause and effect. Some children are able to reason through emotion--I have one who can. But I also have children (and a husband) for whom the emotional experience is so all-encompassing they are unable to see beyond it. Logic is meaningless, consequences are meaningless, progress is impossible unless and until the emotional cycle can be broken and reset. Punishments don't help with that-- mostly they seem to exacerbate the problem.

YES!

 

I wish I could like this 100 times.

 

There's not much that can be done for a person who is so wrapped up in their feelings that they are not thinking at all.

 

I've tried everything, tough love, gentle boundaries, you name it from the time she was three. Honestly, maturity is the only thing that has helped some. I am hoping that it will slowly improve. I have seen some improvements, so I'm hopeful.

[Guest submarines]

You asked how to deal with your stress from this situation, but what do you do when she is behaving like this?  Mine would be in push up h&ll if she treated anyone like that and screaming in the face might actually end up with her pinned to the floor (with control so no one thinks she would be getting actually harmed) until she got herself under control.  The Golden Rule has to come into effect every once in a while even when the treatment isn't a pleasant one.

 

Alternatively, a hug would also break the tension and help at making amends.

 

Serious question, you pin her 14 year old to the floor?

[Guest submarines]

YES!

 

I wish I could like this 100 times.

 

There's not much that can be done for a person who is so wrapped up in their feelings that they are not thinking at all.

 

I've tried everything, tough love, gentle boundaries, you name it from the time she was three. Honestly, maturity is the only thing that has helped some. I am hoping that it will slowly improve. I have seen some improvements, so I'm hopeful.

 

DD13 sounds very similar to yours. :grouphug:

 

Have you tried literally giving her a hug when she's like that? Everyone's different, but it works wonders with mine. The hardest thing is, of course, to give a hug to someone who's behaving like a spoiled, emotional brat. But in with DD it always "fixes" things, restores balance, and she's able to regroup and start thinking again.

[fairfarmhand]

At 17 you probably won't be able to control her in this way.  My daughter has been expected to be immediately obedient from the get go.  That doesn't mean she doesn't hoot, holler, and stomp her feet while complying, but she does comply.  At various times her time outs went from standing on the wall, to standing on the wall on her tippy toes, to on tippy toes with arms straight up, to full on chair squat on the wall (this ended up coming handy with gymnastics).  As puberty hit and snapping and irrationality set in, she walked the dog.  She gave attitude, I pointed to the door and kicked her out.  Usually it took once or twice around the block was all it took.  I've only had to go all crazy mommy on her once (she is my size and was at that time) and I'm pretty sure it freaked her out enough that she's never gone that far again.  Once we were both calmed down I informed her that it is my job to let her know when she was on a path that needed a change of direction and how she needed to recognize those moments herself. 

 

 

Yeah, I've tried that.

 

When she gets in a certain state, there is no consequence or punishment that can help.

 

I was brought up to think in the same way that you describe. I had to stop spanking this child because no matter how far things went, she was still belligerent, argumentative, and falling apart.

 

I've sat in the hallway bawling my eyes out because I knew that I could not spank her any more without crossing the line to abuse and she still wouldn't comply. This has happened many times throughout our parenting journey with this child.

 

What do you do when no matter how many consequences you pile onto a kid, nothing changes? What do you do when there IS Nothing else you can remove from their lives?

 

Things went much better when I began addressing problems differently.

 

When my dd is irrational, I could tell her to do pushups, walk the dog, or get out of the house and she has the attitude of "Are you going to make me?" I've physically removed MYSELF from situations because she was so out of control there was no removing her.

 

And going crazy mommy on her? Do we really need TWO crazy people in this house?

 

So yeah, for the typical kid, your approach might work. For my younger three, these strategies are okay, though I've never had to go that far. They intuitively understand that "I'm getting out of control and I need to scale things back or it's going to be bad." However, I've tried these same strategies with my oldest daughter to only make situations far far worse.

 

We do have strategies that usually work. However, when we have a day like yesterday, the only thing that works is to keep your head down until the storm blows over. Sometimes it's a sandwich and a nap that helps. Sometimes it's just leaving the house for a few hours to hit the reset button. Sometimes a good night's sleep is what's needed. But any consequences just add to the crazy.