Ask a woman who doesn't use BC and....

[BlsdMama]

has a million children thread. All I ask is that you are considerate and thoughtful. I'm a real person behind the computer after all. ;)

 

But I think there are a lot of assumptions out there which must mean there are a lot of questions, no?

[OneStepAtATime]

When you were growing up, were you looking forward to children or were you even thinking about kids?  Like in your pre-teens and teens?

[jewellsmommy]

Did you and your dh accept/embrace that this was what God designed for your family and He will, therefore, take care of what comes as it comes or do you stop and re-evaluate the plan/choice to continue to allow for the possibility of family expansion after each addition?

[waa510]

Please feel free not to answer...this Ask A topic is inherently personal!

 

 Do you try to space your kids or do you just take each child as they come? 

 

Have all your pregnancies been similar with whether they were "easy" or "hard"? 

 

Have you had only certain symptoms depending on gender? I have friends with many who swear they knew early on what gender they were carrying because of certain symptoms. I had vastly different symptoms with both my girls so this strangely fascinates me. 

 

 Thanks for being willing to answer our questions! :)

 

 

[swellmomma]

Would you opt to use birth control if you had a child born with a major disability or very premature or after say a pregnancy with pre-eclampsia in order to give your body time to heal or to focus on the child with extra needs without worrying about another pregnancy? Or what if life circumstances changed and husband was no longer working due to lay offs or injury or something, would you use birth control then to ensure no further children brought into the family until you were on more stable ground? Or is the use of birth control never on the table? And if that is the case how do you ensure that you are not conceiving until it is a suitable time IF those extenuating circumstances are present?

[trulycrabby]

Did you have your baby yet?

[Guest]

Did you have your baby yet?

I'm pretty sure she had a sweet little boy. :)

[Guest]

Do you find it just as annoying when people have unrealistically positive attitudes towards large families as you do when people have unrealistically negative expectations?

 

How can parents of singletons best support you, respect the differences in circumstances and family culture, and be good friends?

[Guest]

Here are my questions: did you want this before dh, vice-versa, or were you always of the same mind? Have either of you expressed doubts about this path as time goes on?

[Janie Grace]

Is that you in your profile pic? If so, you look amazing!

[gardenmom5]

there are indeed many assumptions.  including that if you don't use BC (and don't have known fertility problems), you'll have loads of babies. . . . .

 

I have a ten year stretch where I didn't use any BC - and not even one pg.  (despite having had four children previously.)   which is why I went and did research on false positives. it was a shock to be pg.

 

 

[Murphy101]

Can anyone answer these questions or just the OP?

 

Excellent topic. I've often wished people would share more questions than assumptions as well. Questions don't bother me most of the time. Assumptions are frustrating most of the time.

 

:)

[Liz CA]

Go for it, Martha! You got the credentials.  :)

[trulycrabby]

I'm pretty sure she had a sweet little boy. :)

Aww! Precious little boy! :001_wub:

[MedicMom]

The assumption that you will have tons of children if you use BC is sooo annoying to me.

 

Five years of marriage with no BC. Two children, both conceived with clomid. A third would be an unexpected and welcome surprise.

 

My parents used all kinds of BC. They had nine children before insisting on sterilization. Everyone assumed they were quiverfull. Their beliefs on fertility and family planning were on the other end of the spectrum from quiverfull, much to the annoyance of many QF families who befriended them over the years, only to discover they had radically different beliefs.

[Twigs]

What misconceptions and assumptions have you personally experienced and want to clear up?

[AFwife Claire]

I can answer some of the questions as well.  I am 35 weeks pregnant with #10 right now.  I can honestly say I never ever dreamed of having this many children.  My parents only had my brother and me, and I thought that was incredibly boring and predictable, so I knew I wanted more than 2.  I thought I wanted a "big" family, which to me meant 4 kids, because that was the biggest family I knew, LOL. 

 

When dh and I got married, he was a captain in the Air Force, but I was starting my junior year of college (he is 8 years older than me).  It was very important to my parents and to dh and me that I finish my degree, and I was on birth control at that time.  Shortly after we married, I developed a blood clot in my right shoulder because my first rib was constricting my vein.  I had to take Coumadin for 2 years, until I had surgery to remove my 1st rib.  Coumadin is very bad for unborn babies, so again, I was most certainly on birth control. 

 

After I had the surgery and graduated from college a few weeks later, we moved to CO.  All the change, stress, something did something to my body, and I just sort of shut down as far as my cycle went.  I had stopped the birth control pills (and now I can't ever have them, because doctors assume I have a propensity for blood clots, which might be exacerbated by birth control pills), and I thought I would get pregnant right away.  Hey, we'd been married for 2 years already!  But nothing happened.  In fact, I had just stopped having periods at all!  After awhile I saw a gyn, but there was nothing they could see was really wrong.  I would take clomid every so often and something else--provera maybe?) to stimulate a cycle.  I just sort of thought at that point that maybe we would never have kids.

 

My dh was working a weird operational shift job with this rotating schedule at the time.  But right when he was selected for a different (regular-hour type job), I was astounded to find out I was pregnant!  I had a completely uneventful, fairly easy pregnancy and delivery.  We never really used any other form of bc because we thought it was a minor miracle that we had ever conceived in the first place.  So imagine our surprise when I discovered I was pregnant again when ds1 turned 1 year old!  After ds2 was born, we did use barrier methods of bc for about a year, and then we stopped and I got pregnant with #3 and #4 (who are 20 months apart, after about a 2 1/2 year break from ds1 and ds2). 

 

By the time ds4 was 1, we were preparing to PCS to the DC area.  When we moved, I was pretty overwhelmed with 4 little boys, finding new friends and support groups, homeschooling a 2nd grader and kindergartner, etc.  I told my dh to not even touch me when I thought I was having fertile signs, even with barrier methods!  But a few months later, things were settling down, and I thought we might have 1 more.  But I didn't get pregnant right away.  Not for several months.  I started charting, and I was having these 55 day cycles, with a tiny fertile window.  We thought we might not have any more, which made me realize that I really DID want to have another one.  Eventually I did get pregnant, with our first daughter.  I was absolutely SHOCKED to find myself pregnant again really soon--she was 4 months when I conceived, although I was nursing, no solid food, etc.  Had never been fertile that early before, nor after, as far as I could tell!  At that point, we really came to the realization that although we thought we were in control of our fertility, the Lord was teaching us that he was in control, and we were better off trusting him.  So we really haven't used birth control since then, although we have occasionally.  I would say we are definitely not strict quiver-full type people at all, since we don't have that strong a conviction.  Dh and I have always been on the same page as far as feeling like most forms of birth control are a total pain and hassle, and we'd much rather have the babies than mess with any of that!  And we are very pro-life, so there are definitely forms we would never consider, like IUDs. 

 

Right now we are both thinking this one will be our last (and dh might do something permanent).  I am now 41, and dh is 49.  I still have relatively easy pregnancies, I would say, but they are harder for me now than they used to be.  Also, I have had gestational diabetes with 3 of them, and it has been harder to manage with just diet and exercise this time around, so I know it is taking a toll on my body (type 2 diabetes runs very strongly in my family history, so I am sure I will eventually have that, although I am hoping to stave it off for as long as possible with diet and exercise!).  The biggest reason, however, is that is really is hard to be spanning the spectrum of ages.  My oldest is a senior in high school this year, so I am wearing the guidance counselor hat and helping him with college applications, etc., as well as teaching the science classes for our rigorous small high school and junior high co-op (anatomy and life science this year).  I'm also trying to keep junior high/upper elementary/lower elementary kids on task, as well as teach my 5 year old to read, and keep the younger 2 out of messes, potty-train, etc.  And soon I'll be nursing again.  It's very stretching!  If I could just have the babies--I feel like I actually have that part down now, LOL. 

 

My babies have all been laid-back personality-wise, and very good sleepers from an early age.  They're not picky eaters, they don't have sensory issues, learning disabilities, really anything major.  I freely acknowledge that we would most likely not have had so many if any of ours did have issues that took up a ton of my time and coping abilities.  That is one reason why I feel like God has called *us* to have a large family, because that is what he has given us, and he hasn't given us big reasons to not have more.  I also have never had any issues with pregnancy, labor, delivery, or post-partum recovery.  I'm in general a pretty laid-back person, so I know that helps too, although then it leaves our house always looking somewhat cluttered because I just don't care enough to be rigid about a chore chart or whatever, LOL.  You will notice I never reply in threads about "how do you do it?" because we just muddle along, and things don't really bother me all that much.  We have a pretty happy house, and it really is a lot of fun.  I never dreamed I would be in this situation, but really, my life is so much richer than I ever could have dreamed of back in high school!  I love, love, love seeing my older boys interact with their younger siblings--they are going to be such awesome dads! 

[MiMi 4under3]

Feel free to ignore this question if it's TMI...

 

How does your DH cope with the fact that your body is "unavailable" to him for so many months out of the year, year after year?

 

Or is this a non-issue? I do realize there are many ways to be "intimate" without teA.

[AFwife Claire]

Feel free to ignore this question if it's TMI...

 

How does your DH cope with the fact that your body is "unavailable" to him for so many months out of the year, year after year?

 

Or is this a non-issue? I do realize there are many ways to be "intimate" without teA.

 

I can honestly say that has never been an issue for us either.  Except for the 5-6 weeks post-partum every 20 months or so, nothing is unavailable.  In fact, as I prepare to give birth, things get more and more active, in hopes of stimulating labor, LOL.  I think dh is tired by the time I actually give birth, and could use a break!  ;)

 

And since we're not worried about not having kids, there's no time during the month that is off limits either.  It's pretty freeing, actually, to not be worried about getting pregnant!

 

[LucyStoner]

If your children are all young and you have a child with special needs who requires lots of medical appointments (multiple times each week) how do you balance that one child's needs against other X number of children's needs? Do you take all of the kids to every appointment or do you have someone watch the other kids? I ask because I find it quite challenging at times to have just 2 children when one has special needs. We are seriously thinking of if we can have more or not.

[rebbyribs]

How do you keep the negatives of another baby from outweighing the positives?  I don't regret having any of my children at all, but when I think about the possibility of another, it scares me that I already feel so busy and maxed-out and there's only so much of me to go around.  Saying "yes" to another baby means saying "no" (or "later") to a lot of other stuff.

 

How does your life now compare with about 10 years ago? (Your oldest kids are about 10 years older than mine, so I'd love to hear your perspective on the past decade.)

[poppy]

Do you have a good recipe for bread pudding? :) Or other famously easy-frugal-big portion meals that most people don't think about?

[Twigs]

Thanks to all for responding.

[AFwife Claire]

How do you keep the negatives of another baby from outweighing the positives?  I don't regret having any of my children at all, but when I think about the possibility of another, it scares me that I already feel so busy and maxed-out and there's only so much of me to go around.  Saying "yes" to another baby means saying "no" (or "later") to a lot of other stuff.

 

How does your life now compare with about 10 years ago? (Your oldest kids are about 10 years older than mine, so I'd love to hear your perspective on the past decade.)

 

But see, at this point, for me, there really isn't a lot of negatives about having another baby.  That is the easy part for me!  I've got that!  It's much harder to have high schoolers (although very rewarding as well)!  That is a complete difference from 10 years ago, when my oldest was almost 8, and I was expecting #5.  I didn't know how I was going to handle things, and I did feel maxed out.  What I discovered, however, is that it is much easier to have babies when your older kids are older.  They are so much more helpful and independent.  And once the oldest turned 13, we started letting him stay at home with the younger ones, so I could go to appointments by myself, or dh and I could go out for a date without worrying about child care.  Wow--what a life-changer that was!!  (I do realize, from reading other threads on here, that we are probably not in the majority as far as how much freedom/responsibility we give our kids.)  And now he can drive!!!  It just gets better and better!  :) 

 

Also, now that my oldest is a senior, I do think I have better perspective on what things are really important in the younger years, so I have become more laid back.  Now my oldest is hoping for an appointment to the Air Force Academy, so I am not talking about dialing back on the rigor of academics, especially in junior high and high school.  But I know where I am heading, so to speak, and I don't need to worry so much about the younger kids.  I realize they do not need to be pushed so early necessarily. 

 

I would say that my life is much busier now than it was 10 years ago--although I felt back then that I couldn't possibly be any busier!  Teaching high school level classes *is* difficult (I also teach, in different years, AP biology and honors chemistry).  But having high schoolers around is really great too, though, because I can have real conversations with them during the day--very mentally stimulating!  And we can laugh at things we find on the internet or whatever.  I definitely feel more mentally challenged and fulfilled now!

 

[momto10blessings]

Feel free to ignore this question if it's TMI...

 

How does your DH cope with the fact that your body is "unavailable" to him for so many months out of the year, year after year?

 

Or is this a non-issue? I do realize there are many ways to be "intimate" without teA.

Expecting #10 here!

I've never been on bed rest, so the only time I've been unavailable was the first couple weeks after birth. Dh understands and would never ask me to do such things before I'm ready. Plus things are so crazy and chaotic the first few weeks that's he's exhausted too!!

[Liz CA]

Expecting #10 here!

I've never been on bed rest, so the only time I've been unavailable was the first couple weeks after birth. Dh understands and would never ask me to do such things before I'm ready. Plus things are so crazy and chaotic the first few weeks that's he's exhausted too!!

 

In that case it's time you changed your screenname. Congrats!  :)

[Moxie]

We only have 5 but the idea of putting them all through college keeps me up nights. How do you deal with big expenses like cars and college??

[Murphy101]

I wonder how your body copes with many pregnancies, and whether you have particular post-partum plans that help you recover physically before the next pregnancy ?

 

I wonder how your body copes with many pregnancies, and whether you have particular post-partum plans that help you recover physically before the next pregnancy ?.

Just like every woman is different, so is every pregnancy. The one thing I had with the first 9 pregnancies was awful hypermesis sickness. It was entirely normal for me to lose 20-30 pounds the first trimester and not gain any of it back until my 7th month. The only "benefit" is I always weighed less after delivery than before I got pregnant. Other than that, there wasn't usually a lot of thought in what to do. I did what needed doing because it needing doing. I never really did anything in particular postpartum. I slept when I could, ate as best as I could afford, drank lots of water or plain tea. I take prenatals faithfully, tho during hypermesis I never did bc I never kept them down. I stayed busy. Doing my best to generally stay healthy or be healthier tends to be good practice regardless of pregnancy, ime. I breastfed on demand and that required I stop frequently to rest and kept me from doing too much too soon after birthing.

 

Though my pregnancies were rough due to HMG. Some of my deliveries were extremely easy and some were downright traumatic by anyone's standards. Only one delivery required long term recovery due to a fractured pelvis and dislocated hip. That was no fun, but some intensive chiropractic care and a dedicated husband set me back to rights within about 6 months. At 6 months *I* knew I still had work to do, but no one else watching me would know I was in pain or had been unable to crawl into my own bed previously.

 

Not sure I answered your question.

 

Oh. Yes, I can laugh and sneeze without any worry of wetting myself. I'm very grateful bc apparently this is a huge problem. I don't think it has anything to do with the number of children though. I know many women with just two kids are shocked I don't have this problem. The closest I ever came was maybe right before my due dates if I sneezed hard. (And yes, this is one of those large family things. Women who barely know me will say things like, "OMG! I felt like I almost needed depends after just two! Aren't your lady bits about to fall out.!" <----- a lady at the playground a few months ago. LOL)

[PrairieSong]

We only have 5 but the idea of putting them all through college keeps me up nights. How do you deal with big expenses like cars and college??

We have seven. Two have graduated from college. Three are currently in college but one of those is finishing his degree on the GI bill. We pay for college through a combination of scholarships, educational savings accounts started when the kids are babies, and their own money earned through part time jobs.

 

About cars: we buy used and we don't get kids cars until they actually need them to get to work or school. We get by with them sharing the family car as long as possible. When the oldest entered a religious order, her car was passed down to a younger sibling. Ditto for oldest son's car when he entered the military.

 

ETA: I realize my answer might be a lot different if we had had a serious illness or accident in the family.

[Murphy101]

When you were growing up, were you looking forward to children or were you even thinking about kids? Like in your pre-teens and teens?

Heck no. I was never going to marry. I was going to get rich traveling the world.

[PrairieSong]

When you were growing up, were you looking forward to children or were you even thinking about kids? Like in your pre-teens and teens?

I did want lots of kids, but there were a couple periods of my life when I very seriously thought about becoming a nun. I was very very close when I met dh. :-)

[Murphy101]

Did you and your dh accept/embrace that this was what God designed for your family and He will, therefore, take care of what comes as it comes

No actually. We didn't use birth control in our marriage because before we even had sex, we were trying to be responsible by getting me on the pill. It was an awful mess. It put me in the hospital TWICE in high school. Blurry vision, headaches from hell, blood clots, pulling was way worse than my pregnancies. I guess it worked as birth control though bc I sure wasn't having sex in that condition.

 

So for us, we knew going into marriage that hormonal birth control was just not an option. We never planned a large family. We were simply okay with "one more" if another should happen. About as close as we came to planning back then was that we both knew we didn't want to purposely have them many years apart. We accepted that we'd do whatever we had to and that we would have each other's back. I didn't look into church until after the third was born. And I didn't convert until after the fifth. Dh did not convert. For us, not using birth control hasn't been about religion.

 

or do you stop and re-evaluate the plan/choice to continue to allow for the possibility of family expansion after each addition?

I don't think your question is an either or. We have both trusted that things will work out somehow and taken into consideration if we are open to another. It can be both.

 

After my two most difficult deliveries, we decided we both felt strongly that we couldn't take a pregnant risk. Not a lower risk. NO risk. So we abstained from sex entirely for a time. 1 year for one and a bit longer than that for another. Why didn't we do something permanent? One, neither of us are find of the idea of interrupting part of our body that is functioning healthily. Two, we didn't want to do something we couldn't reverse.

[Murphy101]

Do you try to space your kids or do you just take each child as they come?

Hmm. We did abstain for a time to avoid it for my health. It wasn't anything at all about trying to space them though.

 

Have all your pregnancies been similar with whether they were "easy" or "hard"?

Answered already. :)

 

Have you had only certain symptoms depending on gender?

No. The only common thing I had was major puking except with #10. And I fretted it meant the pregnancy was doomed bc previously, no puking meant I was heading for a miscarriage.

[Murphy101]

Or is the use of birth control never on the table? And if that is the case how do you ensure that you are not conceiving until it is a suitable time IF those extenuating circumstances are present?

For us, it is never on the table. When we have felt like we couldn't take ANY risk, that's we did. We didn't take the risk of having sex at all. Not even NFP.

 

However, I don't know I would have abstained completely under those various circumstances. I might have used strict NFP instead. Or nothing. Or might have been a nonissue for other reasons. So much depends on the individual hearts and circumstances. I had numbers 2 and 3 when my dh's health and job were completely up creek and my mother moved in with us to die of cancer. We have no regrets about it though.

[Murphy101]

Do you find it just as annoying when people have unrealistically positive attitudes towards large families as you do when people have unrealistically negative expectations?

Yes. It doesn't take some unique new species of parents to have a large family. They are just loving parents trying to do their best same as most other parents. They just have more opportunities to be judged for it.

 

How can parents of singletons best support you, respect the differences in circumstances and family culture, and be good friends?

Honestly? Just be normal and ditch the stereotype expectations. I don't need you to do anything in particular bc I have a large family.

[Murphy101]

Here are my questions: did you want this before dh, vice-versa, or were you always of the same mind? Have either of you expressed doubts about this path as time goes on?

We have usually been of the same mind.

 

We have doubts all the time. But then we look at the kids and we didn't doubt we were glad we had them. There's no reason to think we would feel different about more.

 

I have often felt "done" for many children. But for me "done" means something different from what I hear other people use it to mean. For me "done" means even though I might have some baby fever, I'm content with what I have. I felt that way with 3, 5, and so on each time. But if I had another? Well I was okay with that too.

[Murphy101]

Feel free to ignore this question if it's TMI...

 

How does your DH cope with the fact that your body is "unavailable" to him for so many months out of the year, year after year?

 

Or is this a non-issue? I do realize there are many ways to be "intimate" without teA.

One, we just enjoyed tea. Why wouldn't we? For a normal pregnancy, it's perfectly fine to have sex from conception to using it to help induce labor.

 

Two, if for some reason we were in agreement that we couldn't risk tea, he coped same as me. We make sure that intimacy isn't just sexual or kept in the bedroom.

 

I guess when I was puking sick with hypermesis he might have had to cope for 5 months or so, but it never came up. He was rather busy emptying my puke pail.

[Murphy101]

How do you keep the negatives of another baby from outweighing the positives?  I don't regret having any of my children at all, but when I think about the possibility of another, it scares me that I already feel so busy and maxed-out and there's only so much of me to go around.  Saying "yes" to another baby means saying "no" (or "later") to a lot of other stuff.

 

How does your life now compare with about 10 years ago? (Your oldest kids are about 10 years older than mine, so I'd love to hear your perspective on the past decade.)

Oh wow.

 

Just 8 years ago I had a 1000sq ft house, 8 kids under the age of 11 and my husband traveled for work 80% of the year.

 

Now I have 10 in a 2800 sq ft house, have graduated the 2 oldest from home school and dh isn't traveling much at all these days, only about 20%.

 

What is it you are calling the positives and negatives? For the most part I think the positives out weigh the negatives. Something you think is a negative, I might think a positive. So I can't really answer the question.

[sbgrace]

I have some baggage because we moved from an area with a very unhealthy homeschool group in multiple ways...so my question comes from some bad experiences.

 

I wonder if those with large families, especially those who avoid birth control for religious reasons, are judging those of us with smaller family sizes at some level? Do you see a woman with a smaller family as a potential friend? Do you mostly tend to associate closely with other large families? I can imagine lots of reasons that have nothing to do with judgement that this might be true of course!

[idnib]

Would you keep having children if your existing children really didn't want you to? My friend, who has a large family, is expecting another baby against the wishes of her kids, all of them but one in particular is quite angry. They are not happy about it and the parents knew that before conceiving again. Would you go ahead anyway based on your own reasons, or take the feelings your children into account?

[Murphy101]

1--Do you feel extra extra hemmed-in? Having kids de facto lowers your options in life (if you care about being an awesome mother) so I'm wondering if it feels more constricting with more kids and the near-constant possibility of more?

*"contricting" here with a not-necessarily negative connotation.

I need clarification. At first I didn't cope well to being home. All. The. Time. Everyone just said, it was okay because well babies are only not welcome at events, so it's only for a "short" time. But it is NOT for a short time when you are 24 and thinking that if you keep having babies, and you keep not doing things because you have to bring little ones, you are looking down the barrel of a very lonely and isolating couple of DECADES. So I stopped doing that. We couldn't afford sitters, so I just took my kids everywhere and you know what? The vast majority of the time it was fine. Sure there were bad days that seemed to make up for all the previous good ones. But most of the time it worked out. Is this what you mean by constricting?

 

2--The possibility of Having three c-sections freaks me out. Is it as awful as I'm imagining?

Given that both my cs were traumatic, I'm not too eager to do it a third time either. Having a cs without any drugs sucked. And yeah, saying that is incredibly rare is no consolation AT ALL when it does happen to me, so I'm no help on this one. Hope someone else chimes in for you.

 

3--Oh man, don't you get "touched out" to the absolute max every day with people touching you all the time??

Yes. That's why I take time to decompress every so often throughout the day. But I was like that even with one kid. Or just my dh. There's been days when dh came home and straight to me for a hug and kiss and I was hands out and NO! I'm touched out! I'm going to go decompress from MY work day and then we can do that. He doesn't take it personal. The kids weren't a problem and I'm not mad. Just full and need 15 minutes to pee alone please. And it doesn't stay that way all the time forever. Eventually they stop breastfeeding and want to hang out with the big kids more. This was hardest when I had 4-5 under 6. Now it's no big deal most days.

[Murphy101]

I have some baggage because we moved from an area with a very unhealthy homeschool group in multiple ways...so my question comes from some bad experiences.

 

I wonder if those with large families, especially those who avoid birth control for religious reasons, are judging those of us with smaller family sizes at some level? Do you see a woman with a smaller family as a potential friend? Do you mostly tend to associate closely with other large families? I can imagine lots of reasons that have nothing to do with judgement that this might be true of course!

Almost everyone has a smaller family than me! I "know of" some women who have 8 or 10, but we aren't friends and don't hang out. Nothing really against most of them. We just don't. *shrug*

 

If I could find the time, I'd hang out with anyone who seemed sorta nice and wanted to hang out.

 

I don't hang out much these days bc everyone is just too busy, but I never had a certain required demographic. If anything it's the other way around. People almost never invite a family of 10 over for dinner, for example.

[Jasperstone]

Oh, my goodness, I seriously thought this thread was about using the term 'Before Christ', lol! :-D

[Guest]

We have usually been of the same mind.

 

We have doubts all the time. But then we look at the kids and we didn't doubt we were glad we had them. There's no reason to think we would feel different about more.

 

I have often felt "done" for many children. But for me "done" means something different from what I hear other people use it to mean. For me "done" means even though I might have some baby fever, I'm content with what I have. I felt that way with 3, 5, and so on each time. But if I had another? Well I was okay with that too.

I've never felt "done"; it is what pains me about being done by default.

[Another Lynn]

What is your viewpoint on, and how do you handle extracurricular activities?

[Carrie12345]

How well do your kids cope with space restrictions?  (Yes, I'm assuming there are space restrictions.  So feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, lol.)

 

It's a serious struggle with my 5, particularly with the age range/gender distribution.  While my dds (13 months apart) bicker something awful, they do have a room geared toward their age filled with things of similar interest.  Otoh, I have a 16yo, 7yo, and 3yo in the boys' room, and it's a real pain.  Probably better than if the youngest had wound up being a girl, but still a pain.

None of the kids has any real privacy, my eldest struggles to keep things out of reach of the littles, and there are always issues with community property vs. personal property.

 

I always felt it would work out just fine b/c that's all the kids ever knew, but it has not worked out that way.  There's a *tiny* chance I might have even considered more kids if not for the real estate market that keeps me locked in our small house.  Part of it may be that I project MY need for privacy/space on them, but it's definitely partly them, too!

[Murphy101]

What is your viewpoint on, and how do you handle extracurricular activities?

This is an entirely unscientific observation, but I've come to the conclusion that large families tend to go in one of two directions on extracurriculars.

 

One path is to be a _____ family. Fill in the blank with an activity. They are the soccer family. All their kids play soccer. Or the music family, all their kids are into music of some kind. Or the scouting family. All the kids are in scouts and mom and dad are den leaders. The benefit of this is the entire family has this huge common thing, which makes it easier to manage time wise even when the kids are younger. Mom and dad don't have to cast as wide a net for support bc it's consolidated to their one or two things.

 

The other path is the Who Knows What's Next family. All the kids tend to do their own thing. They have a lot more free time when younger and as they get older the parents help them do whatever they are interested in and have a more hands off approach to it there after. This is me. I don't usually do outside activities with my under 10-12 kids. I might, but it's not the norm and it better be very very convenient for me. But so far, my kids interests have been very different and waiting until they were older hasn't caused major problems yet. This is more work for me because with each one, I have to research and start fresh. There isn't a de facto plan of "Johnny is 6 now so I'm adding him to the scout roster this year same as I did for all his big siblings." But I'm not doing it for 10 either. Just those over age 10.

[Murphy101]

How well do your kids cope with space restrictions? (Yes, I'm assuming there are space restrictions. So feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, lol.)

 

It's a serious struggle with my 5, particularly with the age range/gender distribution. While my dds (13 months apart) bicker something awful, they do have a room geared toward their age filled with things of similar interest. Otoh, I have a 16yo, 7yo, and 3yo in the boys' room, and it's a real pain. Probably better than if the youngest had wound up being a girl, but still a pain.

None of the kids has any real privacy, my eldest struggles to keep things out of reach of the littles, and there are always issues with community property vs. personal property.

 

I always felt it would work out just fine b/c that's all the kids ever knew, but it has not worked out that way. There's a *tiny* chance I might have even considered more kids if not for the real estate market that keeps me locked in our small house. Part of it may be that I project MY need for privacy/space on them, but it's definitely partly them, too!

I don't have much sympathy for an older sibling who leaves his beloved whatever in the middle of the living room floor, but when it is where it goes, the youngers know better and will be punished for it. Over the years we've done various things. High shelves, small lockers or locking trunks. We also let them keep stuff in our room if they are really worried about it. I think the worst thing I had to do was a certain 5 year old kept trashing a sibling's k'nex coaster. The thing was huge and took a week to make and in a snit, the 5 year old would sneak in there, remove bits, and hide them. This child also would not stay out of other siblings drawers and boxes. I finally had to lay down the law and this child was not permitted to be in any room I was not in and the child had to trust that siblings wouldn't mess with their stuff in retaliation. It was agony for about 3 days. Then it was done. The child wanted to be able to play like their siblings and understood they couldn't do that if they couldn't be trusted out of my sight.

 

I currently have four bedrooms for kids. The oldest 2 kids have their own rooms. (One has to share his closet, and the other has to share entertainment stuff that's in his room.) The 4 boys (16, 14, 11, 10) have their own room and the three girls have their room (13, 8, 6) and the "baby", age 3, is still in my room. When they were younger it was harder but as they have aged, they've caught on that mutual respect for property benefits them.

 

In our previous home the kids couldn't really play outside much because the conditions in the area. So not being home was a necessity 2- 3 days a week. I would run errands for half the day and the other half we'd go to a park, hiking, the zoo, or anything that allowed them to run wild for a solid couple hours or more. I'd dress them the night before to save time getting them in the van so we could take dh to work and keep the van and we'd be gone until we went to pick dad up. When they could play outside, I let them as much as possible. And inside, I tried to relax about them making hidey holes and tents and such to make their own little section of the world just theirs. I also never made them play with each other. They weren't allowed to be hateful about it. But it was okay to say, "I don't want to okay with you right now. I want to play with my toys by myself." If they were hateful, they'd be pulled aside for a talking to. But there's nothing wrong with wanting some time not with someone else once in a while.

[Liz CA]

So what I am gleaning from all this is: You have to have a dh who is behind you all the way and not just for the initial "work."

[Murphy101]

So what I am gleaning from all this is: You have to have a dh who is behind you all the way and not just for the initial "work."

Absolutely. We are in this together.