Carolinagirl1 Posted August 18, 2014 Share Posted August 18, 2014 I know some people like to "clean out" their facebook friends list sometimes, for whatever reason, but I just want to say that it can be really hurtful when you are one of the friends that gets deleted when you have no idea why. This has happened to me a few times over the years. I will think of someone and wonder how they are doing, try to go to their page, and see that I was apparently removed. Then I will sit there and wonder what I did wrong?!? I'm not the type that posts political or controversial rants, so it can't be that. Then I will see them in person and they will act like they are so happy to see me. I don't know, I suppose I see FB as a way to keep up with friends and acquaintances that I don't talk to all the time and when someone deletes you, it can cause a real sense of rejection, because not only can you not keep up with them anymore, it sends the message that they don't care about what you are up to either. So it is just odd to send someone a friend request or accept their request and then later delete them with no explanation. I just think that it is only fair that before you delete an unsuspecting friend, you give them a little explanation first unless you want them to feel rejected by you. I don't bother accepting friend requests from people that I don't want to see my posts, so I've never felt the need to de-friend anyone. Plus, I care enough about all of my friends and acquaintances that I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I apologize for such a petty "high-school" vent, but I guess that is how Facebook is sometimes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StephanieZ Posted August 18, 2014 Share Posted August 18, 2014 (((hugs))) I would feel sad, too, if that happened to me. I think some people just go wild unfriending people when they feel overwhelmed by the number of friends they have. I have a few friends whose names I don't even recognize, lol. I know some people have unfriended nearly everyone, making it a very small list of close friends and family. If I were you, I'd tell myself that was what happened, or else tell myself it was an accidental unfriending (it is pretty easy to do stuff by accident on Facebook, lol). Just remind yourself it isn't personal, and focus on the closer friends you do have. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Excelsior! Academy Posted August 18, 2014 Share Posted August 18, 2014 No answers for you. I have seen people on here comment about removing those in x radius to foster closer friendships in real life and keep Facebook for friends and family further away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThisIsTheDay Posted August 18, 2014 Share Posted August 18, 2014 I really, really, really would encourage anyone to not take anything on FB personally. You could have been removed for any reason, and it very likely had nothing to do with you at all. My mom unfriended a bunch of people, because she didn't want their games and comments on other posts showing up on her feed, and she didn't realize there were other ways to manage that. As mentioned, others have pared down their FB contacts, and I know several people who have opted to use FB only to keep up those distant relationships, preferring to talk to local people *in person*. If it is really bothering you, you might say to that person the next time you see them, "It looks like you're not on FB much anymore!" and see what kind of response you get. You could always make a little joke of it, smile really big and say, "I can't help but feel rejected, haha!" FB is just one of many ways to connect, and a pretty superficial one at that. FB can be a lot of true fun (connecting!) and weird fun (stalking!), but there can be downsides to it too. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthwestMom Posted August 18, 2014 Share Posted August 18, 2014 Are you a lurker? I have removed FB friends that were people from another time in my life, whom I no longer saw regularly, and who never communicated with me in any way even if I commented on their feed. It makes me uncomfortable to feel "watched" but not worthy of any type of personal communication, so every now and then I drop people who are not using FB to actually relate to me. Does that make sense? Sorry that you are hurt. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted August 18, 2014 Share Posted August 18, 2014 As someone who unfriends easily and purposely doesn't have a lot of friends please don't take it too personally. You have to realize that everyone looks at FB differently. I have very few FB friends who I see regularly because I personally think that's weird. I'd much rather keep up with the far away family/friends. I also like to send PM to people I haven't seen in a long time and aren't my FB friends... kind of a hello..how are you?? Catchup up with someone type of thing. But, I have a friend that thinks that is weird and stalky :ohmy: I had no idea that could be seen that way! So, I've stopped doing that once I realized that maybe *I* think it's okay, but the person I'm PMing might not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rocassie Posted August 18, 2014 Share Posted August 18, 2014 Just recently I paired FB down to those that I still maintain contact with on a regular basis outside of FB. It actually has nothing to do with the individual but rather with FB privacy rules/settings and such. I am actually considering deactivating my account altogether. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HSmomof2 Posted August 18, 2014 Share Posted August 18, 2014 I agree with others that it is probably nothing personal, but I would also feel a little slighted. On my Facebook, for people that I'm not regularly in touch with, I put them on my 'acquaintance' list. Then, they don't see all my posts, I don't see all theirs, but we're still 'Friends.' :-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted August 18, 2014 Share Posted August 18, 2014 I wouldn't take it personally, unless it was someone you considered very close to you. And even if it was, possibly it was an accident, so maybe send them a new friend request. I think I accidentally unfriended someone because when looking at a list of my friends, it is easy to hit the "unfriend" button without meaning to. I noticed this one day, and around the same time I noticed one of my friends was gone. Not sure if I unfriended her or she unfriended me. She is not a very close friend but we are members of a closed community. She is a teacher, and possibly I said something controversial about common core or something and she didn't want to see any more of that, or whatever. Or maybe she was just simplifying her life. I am very careful about whom I friend because I don't want to have to unfriend and I don't want 100+ friends. So I say "no" to requests, and I suppose that might be hurtful too. I did unfriend one or two people because it seemed they were just building their friend list to try to market some sales promotion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OH_Homeschooler Posted August 18, 2014 Share Posted August 18, 2014 I feel the same way too, when I discover I've been unfriended. This is even when it's someone I'm not close to anymore and have no reason to stay FB friends! I know it's hard, but try not to take it personally. I know sometimes people friend someone just to find out the details of their life, then unfriend them once they've gotten the info they wanted. More commonly, it seems people just left FB--they closed their account. I know in some cases, they said some extremely stupid things and didn't want those things to come back to bite them. I've also known people who closed their accounts then rejoined some time later. It looks like they unfriended me, because I can still find them with a search, but they just rejoined and started accepting friend requests without necessarily sending requests. I know I went through an unfriending stage at one point, just deleting old high school classmates I honestly never remembered talking to. These people posted all the time and had 500+ friends, so I don't think they missed me. But lately I've just been hiding/unfollowing people that annoy me, the ones who say controversial stuff all the time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted August 18, 2014 Share Posted August 18, 2014 Honestly, I can understand why you might feel hurt, but look at it from someone else's perspective. Right now I have like 250 FB friends which is ridiculous. And I'm posting stuff about my kids all the time (my parents LOVE that) and maybe less than 50 ever bother to comment or like anything I post. I feel like I'm SPAMMING them. So sometimes I do go clean out old friends when I haven't heard from them. I will also unfriend someone if there posts are regularly offensive or just filling my feed and not interesting. I tend to prioritize my homeschooling friends higher than anyone else because that's what interesting in my life right now. I know some homeschoolers will unfriend when they go back to school. I just unfriended someone recently because she constantly posts pictures of a bunch of homeschooling stuff that looks super fun, we know all the kids, but we never would get invited. So those posts, even though were innocuous, felt painful for me and I didn't want my kids accidentally seeing them. I hold nothing against the moms organizing that stuff. We've personally had a crazy summer and I haven't done much inviting myself. I consider them still friends and we're glad when we do see them. It is likely all about them and not at all about you. I wouldn't put 2 seconds of thought into it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SemiSweet Posted August 18, 2014 Share Posted August 18, 2014 I wouldn't take offense either, I unfriend people regularly if I'm not really having any other personal communication with them. I had a bunch of old coworkers on there that I just recently started unfriending because I know it's likely that I'll never see them again or even have a conversation with them, it's not personal, I just don't like having too many people on there. Then there are the ones that are personal, political or religious stuff that I just don't want to see. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carolinagirl1 Posted August 18, 2014 Author Share Posted August 18, 2014 Are you a lurker? I have removed FB friends that were people from another time in my life, whom I no longer saw regularly, and who never communicated with me in any way even if I commented on their feed. It makes me uncomfortable to feel "watched" but not worthy of any type of personal communication, so every now and then I drop people who are not using FB to actually relate to me. Does that make sense? Sorry that you are hurt. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Makes sense. I wouldn't call myself a "lurker". However, I don't do a lot of commenting because if I do, I get everyone else's comments in my email inbox, so I do a LOT of "likes". Nor do I post a whole awful lot. Maybe 1-2 pictures a month of family activities. I don't play games so there are no game requests coming from me. Some defriending is understandable. I know people who have made a general post saying that they are going to cut down to those that are closest to them, and there have been people that we've stopped doing business with that have defriended me, and that is ok. We have family friends that just had a baby. I see them about once a month and my husband sees them several times a week through work. We are definitely expected to buy them a baby gift. This weekend we started wondering how the new baby was doing so I checked her profile on FB and thats when I saw that I was defriended. It's just a weird situation - buying a baby gift for someone that you feel rejected by. An explanation would've been nice, is all. I know I won't find an explanation for that particular situation here, but I do appreciate the opportunity to vent about it and maybe put it out there that there is another side to the defriending process and that is the rejected person's point of view. I will try, as many of you have said, to not take it personally. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrairieSong Posted August 18, 2014 Share Posted August 18, 2014 I agree with the others who said it's very unlikely that it's anything you did. The other person may just want to pare down their friends list because they are simplifying, or for some other reason that is about them, not you. Everyone does view FB differently. My BIL purposely has no FB friends from the town they live in. He uses FB only to keep up with family and friends who are far away. I personally like a quieter FB feed so I occasionally unfriend people, but more often I just hide them from my feed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted August 18, 2014 Share Posted August 18, 2014 Agreeing that it is most likely nothing personal. I deleted around a hundred "friends" a while back, because they were "friends" from way back in my past, or very peripheral, with whom I had no current connection.some of my old high school acquaintances, OTOH, do comment or "like" my posts from time to time, so I keep them. Having said that, it does bother me when a friend announces that they are going "offline," and would be happy to communicate by phone or e-mail. It amounts to feeling the person wants to prune away all "casual" friends. It really is a bummer to me, because I can't be a "top shelf" friend to eighty people, KWIM? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted August 18, 2014 Share Posted August 18, 2014 An online "friend" unfriended me because I posted something about liking one of Pioneer Woman's recipes. She posted something snarky to me and made another comment in response to something another friend said in the comments, and I noticed shortly after that she'd unfriended me. She's the one who was rude and juvenile, but I still feel bad when I see her posting on mutual friends' walls. Don't take it personally. You never know what seemingly innocuous thing might set someone off or annoy them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted August 18, 2014 Share Posted August 18, 2014 Makes sense. I wouldn't call myself a "lurker". However, I don't do a lot of commenting because if I do, I get everyone else's comments in my email inbox, so I do a LOT of "likes". Nor do I post a whole awful lot. Maybe 1-2 pictures a month of family activities. I don't play games so there are no game requests coming from me. Some defriending is understandable. I know people who have made a general post saying that they are going to cut down to those that are closest to them, and there have been people that we've stopped doing business with that have defriended me, and that is ok. We have family friends that just had a baby. I see them about once a month and my husband sees them several times a week through work. We are definitely expected to buy them a baby gift. This weekend we started wondering how the new baby was doing so I checked her profile on FB and thats when I saw that I was defriended. It's just a weird situation - buying a baby gift for someone that you feel rejected by. An explanation would've been nice, is all. I know I won't find an explanation for that particular situation here, but I do appreciate the opportunity to vent about it and maybe put it out there that there is another side to the defriending process and that is the rejected person's point of view. I will try, as many of you have said, to not take it personally. I hate that too and there's a way to fix it. You go to the person's post and there's a drop down arrow on the right. Under there there's a choice that says "Stop Notifications" and the emails will stop. Easy, peasy. I don't know if it works on andriods though...but it works on my pc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KRG Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 If I never hear from someone and I don't find myself talking to them I will take them off my fb friend's list. A couple of times I have taken people off for rude and outrageous posts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 And... reason 203843 that I don't do FB. Same here, except I'm up to reason 208845. You must have missed one somewhere. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LostSurprise Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 It's not about you. Sorry. I can't think of any nicer way to put this. Don't take it personally. Don't feel bad. Sometimes people are only acquaintances who rarely talk on facebook. Or there are personal things going on. If I don't feel comfortable sharing the serious family problems that suddenly crop up, I probably don't feel comfortable telling you why I'm unfriending you. Sometimes it's about me and my family and what we need. We need a very small supportive circle and no stress, discussion, or explanations. I'm sorry you feel bad about this, but I can guarantee it probably has nothing to do with you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 If these are casual friends or acquaintances, I'm not sure why you would care. Personally, I couldn't be bothered being FB friends with a zillion people with whom I have no regular contact in real life. Why would I care what they're doing and why would I want to look at their family photos if I'm we're not close? And why would they care the slightest bit about what I think, or want to see my photos or hear my mundane stories? I'd rather hang around here with people with whom I have no regular contact in real life. (Actually, I feel I know many of the people on this forum better than the casual acquaintances I have IRL.) If these are casual friends or acquaintances, I'm not sure why you would care. Personally, I couldn't be bothered being FB friends with a zillion people with whom I have no regular contact in real life. Why would I care what they're doing and why would I want to look at their family photos if we're not close? And why would they care the slightest bit about what I think, or want to see my photos or hear my mundane stories? I'd rather hang around here with people with whom I have no regular contact in real life. (Actually, I feel I know many of the people on this forum better than the casual acquaintances I have IRL.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gaillardia Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 Same here, except I'm up to reason 208845. You must have missed one somewhere. :D I think this reason ranks up there in the first 5 reasons why people don't like facebook. It happened to me. I friended mother of my ds's best friend who is also the mother of dd's best friend and some time, a few months, went by and I saw we were no longer friends. I posted about that specifically and a friend said it was a social experiment from the facebooker people. okay, really, who is in middle school now? I let it go, ya know? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 I was going to say, it is very possible to turn off e-mail or pop up notifications on FB if those are bothering you or keep you from participating. The thing about FB is you should feel empowered to OWN your page. If that means unfriending some people, turning off notifications, unsubscribing to some things, set up permits, lists, etc, it is possible to make it your own environment. Like right now people keep saying how irritated they are by this water challange for ALS or something. I have no clue what that is. I haven't seen that on FB at all. FB is a great tool for me to keep in touch with certain groups, but I need to control what I see regularly or I would very quickly leave. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest inoubliable Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 :( I'm guilty of the friend-cleanse. Honestly, I didn't think anyone noticed until very recently. And then I felt really bad. I can't help it. I have a compulsion (maybe not in a clinical sense?) that goes along with my manic episodes to clean, clean, clean. Thankfully, the people who know me and love me brought it up and explained that they still love me and are there to accept a friend request whenever I'm ready. All this to say, there are reasons for the friend-cleanse that you might not even dream of. And that the person cleansing might think you'd never notice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest submarines Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 Ha, I wasn't even friended! I don't know her well, but our kids train with the same coach, I've helped out her kid a bunch of times (fed, provided clothing when she came to practice without her snack of in a tank top in freezing weather), and the coach said, "Hey, you should connect with S., you might be able to carpool." I use FB for exactly situations like this, not for close friends. So I do get it, others use it differently. But I wrote her a note, said I'd like to connect...the girls are friends. And it has been a couple of months, and I'm not friended. Oh well. OP, it is not personal. It is just FB. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrairieSong Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 Just a couple more thoughts. If your family friends just had a new baby, they may have cut down their friends list because they don't have time to keep up, OR they may be very protective about who sees photos of their baby. I have a good friend whose son-in-law is like that about their toddler. He wants NOTHING about her online at all. So who knows...it could be any number of reasons, or even accidental. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrairieSong Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 Ha, I wasn't even friended! I don't know her well, but our kids train with the same coach, I've helped out her kid a bunch of times (fed, provided clothing when she came to practice without her snack of in a tank top in freezing weather), and the coach said, "Hey, you should connect with S., you might be able to carpool." I use FB for exactly situations like this, not for close friends. So I do get it, others use it differently. But I wrote her a note, said I'd like to connect...the girls are friends. And it has been a couple of months, and I'm not friended. Oh well. OP, it is not personal. It is just FB. I think that if you aren't friends with a person on Facebook, your message to them won't be in their main message area but in "others". Go to Facebook and click on the Messages icon. Right next to "Inbox" you will see "Others". I never noticed this for a LONG time but one day I clicked on it, and there were a few old messages sent to me by people not on my friends list. So your friend may not have seen your message. Maybe you could just send her a friend request or mention it when you see her. "You should friend me on FB. It would be a good way to connect." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest submarines Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 I think that if you aren't friends with a person on Facebook, your message to them won't be in their main message area but in "others". Go to Facebook and click on the Messages icon. Right next to "Inbox" you will see "Others". I never noticed this for a LONG time but one day I clicked on it, and there were a few old messages sent to me by people not on my friends list. So your friend may not have seen your message. Maybe you could just send her a friend request or mention it when you see her. "You should friend me on FB. It would be a good way to connect." Thanks, I've forgotten. However, I did send her a friend request first, immediately followed by an explanatory message (i.e. reminding her who I am, saying that our girls are spending a lot of time together, and that the coach suggested we get in touch on FB to facilitate some things...) We've been spending more time with another coach this summer, so this is not as relevant for me anymore. But when I sent the request we had plans to be there for much longer. (Those coaches sort of complement each other, so it is normal to go back and forth, so it is not like we "left"--we are still in great relationship with the first coach and use her services occasionally as well.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IdahoHomeschooler Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 My Facebook page is just that: mine. I can't imagine owing anybody an explanation of how I choose to manage my Facebook content and feed. I get friend requests that I ignore, and I send friend requests that are ignored. I unfriend some people, and some people unfriend me. Heck, sometimes it *is* personal and that is ok. However, I am not obligated to offer an explanation for it. It is what it is. When I find myself getting too involved in Facebook, to the point of upset or hurt feelers, I realize that I need a Facebook break. It should be a fun activity, not a conduit for drama, IMO. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrairieSong Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 I'm sure it's not personal. I just unfriended 150 tonight. I did message close friends and tell them why but that was a handful. I only kept family and friends that we don't see across the globe. I'm tired of the religious messages, diets, political rants, etc. I don't care what you ate for dinner or that you're at the movies. I used to but I just don't anymore. I belong to a zillion social groups on FB and I love them so that's who I want to interact with at this point in my life on FB. These people share the same interests as me and I find it stimulating. Yes, I get tired of political rants, people promoting businesses, cutesy memes, and certain youngish relatives announcing what they're making for dinner or that they cleaned their house. However, I don't want to hide them from my feed, and the husband of one of them has a serious illness. I want to read their updates on that. I try to quickly scroll through the boring stuff to get to what interests me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lailasmum Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 I unfriend regularly. I tend to unfriend people who don't post and don't interact, Those who share a lot of fluff, rants and religious stuff and those who I just feel I've got no connection with even if I know them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 Just hide from your feed. You can do that without unfriending. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Χά�ων Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 Just hide from your feed. You can do that without unfriending. But what is the point of that? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 But what is the point of that? Because I got the impression that hurt feelings was the issue. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiwik Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 I wouldn't take it personally, unless it was someone you considered very close to you. And even if it was, possibly it was an accident, so maybe send them a new friend request. I think I accidentally unfriended someone because when looking at a list of my friends, it is easy to hit the "unfriend" button without meaning to. I noticed this one day, and around the same time I noticed one of my friends was gone. Not sure if I unfriended her or she unfriended me. She is not a very close friend but we are members of a closed community. She is a teacher, and possibly I said something controversial about common core or something and she didn't want to see any more of that, or whatever. Or maybe she was just simplifying her life. I am very careful about whom I friend because I don't want to have to unfriend and I don't want 100+ friends. So I say "no" to requests, and I suppose that might be hurtful too. I did unfriend one or two people because it seemed they were just building their friend list to try to market some sales promotion. I have a problem with that - I have a friend request from someone I really have no desire to have as a friend but it feels offensive saying no. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 I have a problem with that - I have a friend request from someone I really have no desire to have as a friend but it feels offensive saying no. My understanding is that people don't see a rejection. There's just no response at all. At least I hope that's right. It can still be hurtful to be ignored but perhaps less hurtful than getting email from Mr Facebook saying "your friend request was refused." I reject friend requests and I have been rejected (or at least, ignored) from time to time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 I am guilty of friend purging. I am really not friends with 250 people. Sometimes I see no need to keep someone I went to high school with whom I have not seen in 20+ years on my friends list. Sometimes it is someone I was close with but now we never see each other. It is not usually about the person but about how I am managing my relationships. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doodlebug Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 I'll just add that several friends of mine (who are feeling overwhelmed by a general lack of appropriate boundaries) have opted to deactivate their FB accounts. I'm one. It had everything to do with me, and nothing to do with my many friends. A deactivation can appear like an unfriending, apparently. If I could clarify my position to all those friends who felt rejected... I would tell them it wasn't them... it was the platform upon which we all interacted. I don't want to mess with settings. I don't want to worry about privacy changes. I don't want to worry about what word I type being the next advertisement in my feed (Dr. Oz is CREEPY). Being a hyper empathizer also worked against me on FB -- the emotional energy I put into 250 people was exhausting. So-and-so's niece's cousin having _____ issues, mutliplied across 50 friends who were dealing with really hard situations -- and I had no way to help. It was agony for me. All that to say, it isn't about you. This is a dynamic that FB sets up, unfortunately. Knowing it can be helpful in at least categorizing the rejection feelings... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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