Long-term effects of verbal harassment in middle school

[maize]

I came across this article today relating some of the long-term effects of verbal bullying. 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-new-brain/201010/sticks-and-stones-hurtful-words-damage-the-brain

 

I've never understood the people who insist that kids should experience bullying in school because it makes them stronger. Um, no. I figure the people who say that must have been the bullies not the bullied.

[apennieformythoughts]

I was bullied horribly (mostly verbally/emotionally) in K-6th grade. I switched schools for 7th grade, and though I wasn't popular, I wasn't bullied either so it was better. But I am 31 now and I can definitely say that my sense of self-worth is damaged. If there is room for any rejection, no matter how mild, I steer clear. It makes it hard in relationships with true friends and my husband, because I'm so afraid they don't really like me, if I don't fit what they expect of me they'll stop loving me, etc. I definitely do NOT agree that children need to experience bullying. It DOES change the adult you are meant to be. 

[dirty ethel rackham]

I came across this article today relating some of the long-term effects of verbal bullying. 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-new-brain/201010/sticks-and-stones-hurtful-words-damage-the-brain

 

I've never understood the people who insist that kids should experience bullying in school because it makes them stronger. Um, no. I figure the people who say that must have been the bullies not the bullied.

 

Finally, someone is getting the message.  I could have told them this 40 years ago!!  I believe my issues with depression stem from the years of bullying.  I believe that the bullying installed a dangerous default thought pattern ("You are worthless.  You are hopeless.  Nobody wants you.") that I have to fight every single day of my life.  Many, many sessions spent on a therapists couch have given me tools to fight it, but it is there.  PMS makes it so much worse.  I have to work hard not to perceive every slight as a major rejection.  It is probably the underlying reason why I have continued to homeschool ... there were many seasons where I just felt burned out and wondered if I was doing a good job.  But I felt that less than my best was a healthier option that they bullying my boys would likely have experienced in school (based upon their personalities quirks.) 

[fairfarmhand]

I was bullied horribly (mostly verbally/emotionally) in K-6th grade. I switched schools for 7th grade, and though I wasn't popular, I wasn't bullied either so it was better. But I am 31 now and I can definitely say that my sense of self-worth is damaged. If there is room for any rejection, no matter how mild, I steer clear. It makes it hard in relationships with true friends and my husband, because I'm so afraid they don't really like me, if I don't fit what they expect of me they'll stop loving me, etc. I definitely do NOT agree that children need to experience bullying. It DOES change the adult you are meant to be. 

 

oh, I know the feeling.

 

It's taken me years to change my mindset to a more positive one.

 

The bullying I experienced was from a parent.

[snowbeltmom]

I came across this article today relating some of the long-term effects of verbal bullying. 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-new-brain/201010/sticks-and-stones-hurtful-words-damage-the-brain

 

I've never understood the people who insist that kids should experience bullying in school because it makes them stronger. Um, no. I figure the people who say that must have been the bullies not the bullied.

 

I have had teachers tell me that my kids are missing out on a valuable life skill by not learning how to deal with bullies in school.  I think that line of thinking is wrong.  I also find it disturbing that teachers would have this mindset.

 

[MEmama]

I have had teachers tell me that my kids are missing out on a valuable life skill by not learning how to deal with bullies in school. I think that line of thinking is wrong. I also find it disturbing that teachers would have this mindset.

 

Wow. Just wow. :(

[maize]

I think bullying--verbal, emotional, and physical--is the ugly underbelly of the school system (both public and private). People justify it because they think it can't be avoided. If you can pretend it is a character building experience for the victim, you don't have to feel guilty about children being subjected to it every day.

[elegantlion]

Yup. I'm 47, and was verbally bullied a couple of times in middle school. As a sensitive kid anyway, it completely bottomed out my self-esteem. I'm starting on campus college classes in two weeks. I'm petrified in many ways because of the words of a bunch pre-teen girls. I'm worried about my hair, what happens if I need to go to the bathroom during a lecture, and my mind is already quite sure someone will sneer at me quite like that one particular girl in middle school, the one that told me all sorts of awful things about myself. Things I internalized and heard in my own voice for YEARS!!!

 

I'm still convinced I'm not good enough and no one will ever want to be my friend. On bad days, my inner dialogue is truly awful. 

 

Now, however, once I get into a situation and figure it out, I'm usually okay around other people. New situations bring it all back up, though.

[OneStepAtATime]

Is it important for kids to be able to handle someone who tries to bully them as they get older?  Yes.  Best way to do that?  Give them a really encouraging, supportive childhood where they develop a strong sense of self, lots of self-confidence, mastery of areas of interest, some great friendships, etc.  

 

In other words, give them the loving, supportive environment they need to develop the self-esteem necessary to face potential bullies later in life without becoming a victim.  Bullying them in their formative years doesn't do that for most.  It does the opposite.  

 

Thanks for the link, maize....and best wishes.

[Penguin]

Thanks for the link, OP.  I just had the bullying-does-not-build-character (explaining to this person, not arguing with her - she had just never given it much thought) someone today, and I am going to forward her the link.

[hjffkj]

I experienced serious verbal absuse in school during middle school both from students and a teacher. And for me it did make me stronger. But I would never begin to assume that I was normal in that regard. It made me stronger because I had a loving family to fall back on when it got so bad I decided I couldn't go back to that school. It was the day before my 8th grade year and within an hour of telling my mom I couldn't do it anymore she had me enrolled in a different school. Had I gone to her earlier with my issues she would have pulled me out earlier. But I didn't because I had enough confidence to just let the comments role off my shoulder and it not effect me at all. Once it started effecting me I spoke up and got the help I needed.

 

Even with my experience of it making me stronger I would never want my children to have to put up with that.

[J-rap]

I've never understood why some parents do not move mountains if they have to in order to remove their child from a bullying situation. 

[Ohdanigirl]

Thank you so much for posting. I have not yet read the article, but will be just after commenting.

 

I remember being bullied in elementary school. I had multiple eye surgeries as a child, wore glasses, and an eye patch to help strengthen and correct a "wandering" eye. I was lucky because I developed and was seen as attractive. I began wearing contacts and dressing little more "stylish ". In sixth grade I began being invited to the cool kids events but never felt secure in my new position as part of the cool kids. Eventually I transferred out of the feeder school to a magnet school and had a good high school experience. Although I was one of the "popular" kids and seen as "pretty", I shied away from the parties I was invited to and chose not to date much at all. I think I really didn't trust people. I also think it is sad that my status changed based on my looks. How stupid is that?

 

It was horrible, and I thought I was over it until my youngest was born with Infantile Esotropia. I dread the day that he might get made fun of for his eye issues. Kids, even young kids, can be so mean. Unfortunately, adults aren't always better. Every once in awhile I will have to speak to an adult that will respond by looking from side to side and asking loudly, "are you talking to me?" After many surgeries, I know my eye does not wander so much that someone wouldn't know I was talking to them.

 

As far as it changing you as an adult, I think it really does. It took me a long time not to easily bristle at any comment I felt was even a little criticle. My husband tells me I am beautiful and I accept that he sees that, but I don't see it. I have heard it from enough people that I accept it, but I see myself as very normal and plain. It doesn't bother me, though. I am not focused on it, rarely wear make-up, and value being seen as smart more that attractive. I have even made an effort I. The past to draw attention away from my body/looks, but I am finally over how other people see me physically. Even so, I rarely wear glasses.

[maize]

I've never understood why some parents do not move mountains if they have to in order to remove their child from a bullying situation. 

 

Some kids don't tell their parents. 

[maize]

Oh, and sometimes kids minimize the problem because they think they are supposed to be tough and just deal with it, parents may never know how  bad things really are.

[lynn]

I so understand this and I am teaching dd not to take cr*p from anyone.  When our neighborhood problem child started coming over the play with dd just to leave her for some other "friend" and dd would come home crying.  Problem child caught on and started using dd for her entertainment.  "Go home cry to mommy"  "take your stupid unicorn shirt and go home" or wait until dd was content to scooter around the neighborhood by herself and throw water one her.   He** no not on my watch.  I am teaching dd not to give problem child that much power over her and when she comes over now DD tells her I won't play with you and shuts the door.   Problem child told dd at the bus stop today not to come over after school because she can't play  I wanted to say "oh don't worry about that she has plans to play with ...." but dd just walked away from her.    I am giving dd tools to use against any and all bullying one is to say loud enough to get attention "STOP.(insert whatever)"  I hope dd does not go through what I had to go through.  

[Catwoman]

Is it important for kids to be able to handle someone who tries to bully them as they get older?  Yes.  Best way to do that?  Give them a really encouraging, supportive childhood where they develop a strong sense of self, lots of self-confidence, mastery of areas of interest, some great friendships, etc.  

 

In other words, give them the loving, supportive environment they need to develop the self-esteem necessary to face potential bullies later in life without becoming a victim.  Bullying them in their formative years doesn't do that for most.  It does the opposite.

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

 

This, exactly.

[elegantlion]

I've never understood why some parents do not move mountains if they have to in order to remove their child from a bullying situation. 

 

I never told my parents. My parents are now in their late 70s, I still may never tell them because my life has had enough issues that I think it would serve to make them feel badly about a few of the choices they made - which was moving into that school district in the first place. 

[snowbeltmom]

Is it important for kids to be able to handle someone who tries to bully them as they get older?  Yes.  Best way to do that?  Give them a really encouraging, supportive childhood where they develop a strong sense of self, lots of self-confidence, mastery of areas of interest, some great friendships, etc.  

 

In other words, give them the loving, supportive environment they need to develop the self-esteem necessary to face potential bullies later in life without becoming a victim.  Bullying them in their formative years doesn't do that for most.  It does the opposite.  

 

Thanks for the link, maize....and best wishes.

 

I agree.  It is important for us to teach our kids self respect and to know how to stand up for themselves.  The vast amount of bullying that goes on in school would never be tolerated in "the real world.". Kids in school are trapped.  They can't avoid the bully like they could in the real world.  Also, as an adult, there are more legal repercussions to keep the bully in check.  

 

[Penguin]

I agree.  It is important for us to teach our kids self respect and to know how to stand up for themselves.  The vast amount of bullying that goes on in school would never be tolerated in "the real world.". Kids in school are trapped.  They can't avoid the bully like they could in the real world.  Also, as an adult, there are more legal repercussions to keep the bully in check.  

 

 

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

[gardenmom5]

I came across this article today relating some of the long-term effects of verbal bullying. 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-new-brain/201010/sticks-and-stones-hurtful-words-damage-the-brain

 

I've never understood the people who insist that kids should experience bullying in school because it makes them stronger. Um, no. I figure the people who say that must have been the bullies not the bullied.

 

or the adults who are aware of it, and should do something to stop it, but don't want to have to exert the effort.

[gardenmom5]

Finally, someone is getting the message.  I could have told them this 40 years ago!!  I believe my issues with depression stem from the years of bullying.  I believe that the bullying installed a dangerous default thought pattern ("You are worthless.  You are hopeless.  Nobody wants you.") that I have to fight every single day of my life.  Many, many sessions spent on a therapists couch have given me tools to fight it, but it is there.  PMS makes it so much worse.  I have to work hard not to perceive every slight as a major rejection.  It is probably the underlying reason why I have continued to homeschool ... there were many seasons where I just felt burned out and wondered if I was doing a good job.  But I felt that less than my best was a healthier option that they bullying my boys would likely have experienced in school (based upon their personalities quirks.) 

it is possible to get past it.  I have mostly.  still hesitant and feel clueless about socializing in big groups irl.

 

 

I've never understood why some parents do not move mountains if they have to in order to remove their child from a bullying situation. 

my grandmother *was* a bully to her posterity - and that did so much damage it made my mother a target for bullies in school.  she was never able to stand up for herself.

between my grandmother's nasty behaviors, a damaged mother, and my own learning disabilities/eyes/speech/etc. I was constantly bullied through much of elementary and all of jr. high - some of it quite brutal (would qualify as assaut and batter), and even had a teacher join in.

 

my mother was too weak to do anything even though she knew about it (i told her what happend, but not that I wanted to kill myself.  My impression was that wouldn't change her lack of reaction) -and I begged to go to another school, she always refused and flat out told me "no".  the counselor at school would listen, but never did anything to change things, or even helped me to know how to deal with it.  I was so used to being on the receiving end, I actually shocked when one teacher stepped in to defend me when she witnessed something.

 

learning how to deal with an obnoxious person is NOT the same thing as dealing with a bully - and it could well be these people are equating the two.  they are NOT the same thing.

[shawthorne44]

This isn't the first study that showed that.  I read a book I think called Science of Childhood when pregnant with 4-year-old DD and it referenced a study that said the exact same thing.  Well, I think they found kids that had brain scans pre-bullying and post-bullying and looked for changes, and they found the same thing.  It also didn't have the middle school focus.  

 

Might explain though, why I don't have the inner dialogue problem or depression that many of the severely bullied do.  Mine happened late elementary.  Although it has affected me.  

[JumpyTheFrog]

I wasn't bullied but I definitely wasn't popular. Many of the kids in my 5th grade class didn't like me and sometimes made fun of me. In high school, several of the girls on my soccer team clearly had something against me because I wasn't as good at soccer as them.

 

To this day, I feel uncomfortable around groups of teenagers I don't know that are laughing. I'm always paranoid that they are making fun of me. College students don't have the same effect. I feel fine around them. Nobody in college was a jerk to me except for a few roommates that were unreasonable and/or horrible people. But I never felt like a group of people was whispering about me behind my back, so maybe that's why college students don't bug me.

[Storygirl]

I was bullied verbally by my brother all through my childhood. It definitely shaped how I think about myself and perceive others. But it didn't shape my brain in the way the article mentions; in fact DH and I were just talking yesterday about how much I use both sides of my brain. So I agree about the negative effects of bullying, but I'm not sure they show up in the same way in all victims.

[OneStepAtATime]

I was bullied verbally by my brother all through my childhood. It definitely shaped how I think about myself and perceive others. But it didn't shape my brain in the way the article mentions; in fact DH and I were just talking yesterday about how much I use both sides of my brain. So I agree about the negative effects of bullying, but I'm not sure they show up in the same way in all victims.

:iagree:

[Mimm]

I've never understood why some parents do not move mountains if they have to in order to remove their child from a bullying situation. 

 

Many people are stuck in the mindset that their children HAVE to attend public school, so they try to work with the school. I've read stories that just infuriated me about parents who went to the school and the school made promises it didn't keep, brushed off the parents' concerns, protected the bully and not the victim, and dragged on the entire mess for the rest of the school year solving nothing and the whole time the parents sent their child back to school, day after day. These weren't unconcerned parents without resources, but it just never seemed to occur to them to seek out another educational situation. And I'm not saying it has to be homeschooling, but even a sub par homeschooling situation that isn't quite measuring up academically has to be better than a public school situation that will leave life long emotional scars. It's not ideal but it seems like the lesser of two evils. You can catch a kid up in math. What does it take to undo the harm done by serious bullying?

[gardenmom5]

Many people are stuck in the mindset that their children HAVE to attend public school, so they try to work with the school. I've read stories that just infuriated me about parents who went to the school and the school made promises it didn't keep, brushed off the parents' concerns, protected the bully and not the victim, and dragged on the entire mess for the rest of the school year solving nothing and the whole time the parents sent their child back to school, day after day. These weren't unconcerned parents without resources, but it just never seemed to occur to them to seek out another educational situation. And I'm not saying it has to be homeschooling, but even a sub par homeschooling situation that isn't quite measuring up academically has to be better than a public school situation that will leave life long emotional scars. It's not ideal but it seems like the lesser of two evils. You can catch a kid up in math. What does it take to undo the harm done by serious bullying?

 

there's also the type of response parents who *do* do something recieve - e.g. file a restraining order against the bully so the school district has no choice but to move the bully to a different school.  they parents are then harassed for "going overboard".

 

frankly, I think if more parents were proactive, the schools would be more likely to do something.  I honestly think it's a problem they just wish woudl go away so they don't have to deal with it.

[Twigs]

I used to have panic attacks before school started in the fall. My parents both worked, so they never saw.

I, too, think others are laughing at me when I hear them laugh. The trauma still exists today.

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug: to all.

[Heather in Neverland]

It is very real. I was not bullied but my dh was. Thirty years later he still has self-image issues from it. Middle school kids can be vicious.

[apennieformythoughts]

Probably TMI, but I see a therapist and part of the reason is because of these issues. I have such a skewed sense of self and who/what I am supposed to be. I didn't start homeschooling until my oldest was in 4th grade, but part of my motivation to continue is that I am NOT sending her into a situation where this can happen to her. I AM a changed person, for a multitude of reasons, than who I probably was "meant" to be because of the bullying. It doesn't matter that I'm a grown woman, married, competent, etc... it messes with you.  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  to everyone who knows the feeling. 

[Tanaqui]

Um, no. I figure the people who say that must have been the bullies not the bullied.

 

Sometimes they were bullied, but they want to believe everything is fine, so they swear up and down that they weren't harmed.