Need to whine about a friend

[Carrie75]

I have chosen not to confront a friend about a really annoying habit she has, so I thought I could just vent it out here to get some frustration off my chest. She shares too much information.

For example, she just stopped by to drop something off to me, she lives about 10 minutes away, and she asked where my boys were. They weren't home luckily, because she then began talking about the sleepover her boys were having with some very good friends of my kids. She just likes to rub this kind of stuff in. I didn't need to know that my friends and their kids are all getting together tonight without us and our boys, ykwim? It's totally fine that they do, I understand we aren't the center of the universe, but I just didn't need to know. It's a little hurtful to be told you aren't invited. This is just an example of many instances over the past couple years.  

Does anyone else have a friend that does this but isn't overall malicious? It's bizarre to me. If the tables were turned I would never have mentioned it.

[Liz CA]

Either she is incredibly obtuse or incredibly rude. Since you know how she is, let it roll off your back like water off a duck and wish her a nice evening.

[Twigs]

:grouphug: I understand. It is hurtful (and just plain downright rude) for another person to share about an event you aren't invited to.

[TammyS]

Since you've chosen not to confront her, and (I'm assuming) not to dump her as a friend, then I think the only choice you are left with is to really and truly forgive her and let it go.  Personally, I would say something to her about it, especially if she's done it before.  But if you don't want to do that, I think it's not fair to pretend like you've let something go and then to stew about it secretly.  Letting something go means *really* letting it go, not just seeming to.

[Carrie75]

Not fair to her or to me? I just don't want to confront her and cause drama. I am NOT good with confrontation. I stew for a bit instead, then move on.

[TammyS]

Not fair to her or to me? I just don't want to confront her and cause drama. I am NOT good with confrontation. I stew for a bit instead, then move on.

 

Not fair to her. 

 

People mess up.  That's true of all of us.  If we aren't given the opportunity to know what we've done wrong and fix it, then it's not fair to hold it against us.  It's passive aggressive and not an adult way to handle things.

[Carrie75]

I understand what you are saying Tammy. I may say something if this kind of thing happens again.

[OneStepAtATime]

I do have a friend that does things like that and I have known her for decades.  We have been friends since childhood.  In fact, the first day we met, as we were moving into our home, she came over and said something so upsetting to me that I ordered her off our lawn and told her never to come back.  I didn't speak to her for a couple of weeks.  Eventually, she convinced me to play with her, and we really connected but I used to get hurt when she would do something like this.  And she did it quite a bit.  Also, she is excellent at the backhanded compliment.  It was quite aggravating at times as well as hurtful.

 

But over time I came to realize she never intended any harm at all and is just socially clueless.  She will always be socially clueless, apparently, because even as a grown woman in her 40's she still offends people unintentionally but genuinely likes people and isn't trying to hurt anyone.  I had to mentally walk away from the issues since her friendship is still important in my life.  And on more than one occasion, when I really needed help, she has been there for me, no questions asked.  She does care, not just about me but my family as well.  But once in a while I still find it helpful to vent a bit.  I just make certain it isn't with people we both know or who could identify who I am talking about.  That wouldn't be fair to her.  

 

I totally get you needing to vent here, but not wanting to end the friendship.   :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  Best wishes.  

[Jean in Newcastle]

Did she ask where the boys were and then just shared where her boys were?  I would assume that she wasn't hurt that your boys were doing something without hers so didn't think you'd be hurt about the sleepover even if it was with mutual friends.  I guess I just don't see it as rubbing in.  But then perhaps I have a personality more similar to your friend.  Unless you really do think it was malicious.  I wouldn't do it maliciously.  I guess I'd be labeled socially clueless.  

[Liz CA]

I understood her to be behaving in a pattern where she mentions get-togethers frequently to which OP is not invited.

[OneStepAtATime]

I understood her to be behaving in a pattern where she mentions get-togethers frequently to which OP is not invited.

Me, too.  But if it was just that she heard OPs boys were out doing something and she was just sharing what her own kids were going to be doing, that would be a different situation.  

[Carrie75]

It was that her boys were doing something with good friends of ours. Which is fine, like I mentioned. I just don't need to hear about it.

 

Say you are friends with 5 or 6 couples/families in a friendly circle. Then you had a dinner party with two couples from the group. Would you mention it to the other friends? Why? That would hurt their feelings.

[gardenmom5]

some people really are that clueless.

[Jean in Newcastle]

some people really are that clueless.

Like I said.  I'm that clueless because it wouldn't bother me.  I would say, "Oh how were the Smiths doing?  If you see them again soon, say  hi from me."  Same with kids getting together with other kids.  I'd say, "Oh do your kids get along well with Tommy and Mary?  So do mine.  We always have such a good time."  

 

But I am not trying to argue you out of your feelings.  I hope you feel better about things soon.  

[marbel]

It was that her boys were doing something with good friends of ours. Which is fine, like I mentioned. I just don't need to hear about it.

 

Say you are friends with 5 or 6 couples/families in a friendly circle. Then you had a dinner party with two couples from the group. Would you mention it to the other friends? Why? That would hurt their feelings.

 

I get you and agree.

 

It is rude to talk about social events with people who are excluded from them, if those people would have a reasonable expectation of being included because they are part of the group of friends, type of event, etc.

 

So, I had a church picnic in my yard last week.  Everyone from church was invited.  Other friends (who do not go to my church) were not invited.  OK to talk about picnic with friends because they would have no expectation of being invited.

 

Last year I invited some people over for New Year's Eve.  I did not invite the entire group of homeschool moms I have coffee with monthly, just two with whom I have closer relationships.  So imagine my dismay when, at a group get-together, one of the moms I did invite suddenly said "Oh, New Year's Eve!  I forgot to tell you we can't make it" in front of all the other women.  Not OK.

 

A friend of my daughter telling her about a sleepover she had with a bunch of mutual friends (and to which my daughter was not invited) - Not OK. 

 

Out for lunch with a couple of friends, they discussed plans for a shopping trip they were taking that weekend.  I didn't care that I was not invited on the shopping trip, but it was rude to discuss it while I was sitting there. 

 

My mom taught me that concept before I was 10 years old.  Would have saved a lot of hurt if other friends' mothers would have taught their kids the same thing. 

 

It is OK not to include everyone in every social event, but it is not OK to talk about it.

[nevergiveup]

Your friend could be jealous of you and is trying to make it seem like her life is better than yours in some way.

 

 

[tabinfl]

It was that her boys were doing something with good friends of ours. Which is fine, like I mentioned. I just don't need to hear about it.

 

Say you are friends with 5 or 6 couples/families in a friendly circle. Then you had a dinner party with two couples from the group. Would you mention it to the other friends? Why? That would hurt their feelings.

It seems that social media has changed this a bit, but I don't know that I'd see it as a problem unless a particular family is routinely excluded from everyone else's get-togethers.

 

My friends share their families' & kids' adventures on Facebook and in person, and i never thought to consider it hurtful when my kids weren't included, nor when my kids get together with one or two friends and tell others about it. I don't see it as exclusionary, just that every outing or sleepover can't include EVERYone. If my kids or I heard about something particularly fun that a couple of their friends did together, I'd try to set up a similar activity with one or two friends for the near future. For example, last week a couple of ladies I know mentioned that they'd gotten together for dinner before a group activity we were all part of. My first thought was that I should do that with another friend (who i haven't had a lot of time to chat with lately) next week. Put me in the socially clueless corner, I guess. :)

[JudoMom]

It was that her boys were doing something with good friends of ours. Which is fine, like I mentioned. I just don't need to hear about it.

 

Say you are friends with 5 or 6 couples/families in a friendly circle. Then you had a dinner party with two couples from the group. Would you mention it to the other friends? Why? That would hurt their feelings.

 

Call me clueless too, because I don't understand why my feelings would be hurt.  I don't expect to be included in everything.  If we are friends with 5 or 6 families, I would expect them to get together in different subsets.  And if we are friends, why could we not talk about it with each other?  Now, if everyone in the group regularly got together without me/my family, I'd be hurt.  But mix & match subsets?  I'd give my friends the freedom and would expect them to give me the freedom, too, without having to worry about talking about whatever we're doing.

[kroe1]

Just giving her the benefit of the doubt, maybe she was worried you would hear about the gathering later. By telling you in advance, she was not sneaking behind your back.

 

By the way, I am the most clueless of all because I would have invited myself to her shindig. "Ooh, that sounds like so much fun. We want to come!"

[Tohru]

Maybe I don't have as many friends as everyone else,  but if one of my friends mentioned something they and mutual friends were doing and we didn't get a direct invitation, as long as we didn't have plans, I'd straight up ask if it was a private event or if we could come too.  And vice versa, if I ever mention a social event that some one is not invited to, and they say something, I always tell them they are welcome to join us (and it is sincere, they are welcome, all the time.)

 

So maybe its a private event and she's being rude or clueless, or you just didn't get the invitation but are welcome to join.

[Tohru]

Just giving her the benefit of the doubt, maybe she was worried you would hear about the gathering later. By telling you in advance, she was not sneaking behind your back.

 

By the way, I am the most clueless of all because I would have invited myself to her shindig. "Ooh, that sounds like so much fun. We want to come!"

 

lol!  This is exactly what its like with our friends.

[kbutton]

:grouphug:

 

I think you are a good friend for thinking things through this way, particularly if she is truly unaware of your feelings and not being intentionally hurtful.

 

I would not be offended in this instance (for reasons other posters have mentioned), but I have had to overlook other slights/double standards that bother me and might not bother someone else. Such is the give and take of friendship. I hope that you are able to be as close as you'd like to be with this friend and have that friendship reciprocated in a way that is meaningful to you.

[Guest submarines]

Do your boys ever get to see their good friends without those other kids, or is it always group activities with all the families involved?

[J-rap]

Do you think she was really doing it to rub it in?  I have learned that some people truly are a little clueless.  (Or maybe others of us are just way too sensitive --  I know I can be!)  They are genuinely just excited to share something, having no idea at all that what they are saying might hurt you, or that their actions might make someone else feel like they are being left out. 

 

If you did the same thing -- told her about those other boys coming to YOUR house for a sleepover and all the fun plans you had, and her boys were not invited -- how do you think she would feel?  That would be interesting to know!

[kwg]

 

Does anyone else have a friend that does this but isn't overall malicious? It's bizarre to me. If the tables were turned I would never have mentioned it.

 

 

Yes! well sort of.  It is more a friend of a friend. Whenever we get together, she spends most of the time referencing  things our mutual friend and she do together, discussions they have, etc.  Mostly it is slightly annoying and sometimes I end up feeling very left out- usually when it is just the 3 of us.  Last time all three of us got together with kids, I ended up crying! (thankfully neither noticed) For goodness sake. That is just silly. I think I was a little hormonal.....but have since decided to distance myself from them at least for a while.  Who needs it?

[bolt.]

I probably am this kind of friend. Maybe I should watch it.

 

Honestly, the topic of "What fun stuff are your kids up to these days." -- that's small talk. I would have no idea that anyone in my life thought that everything I did with other mutual friends should include a whole crew... Especially not a sleep-over: 2 boys would be more than enough!

 

I guess I just assume everyone is happy with their social life, so the most I could do would be to provoke enough "jealousy" that they call someone and make happy plans for themselves soon? I hope they do.

 

But this wouldn't be the first time I've been called socially clueless.

[Carrie75]

Do you think she was really doing it to rub it in?  I have learned that some people truly are a little clueless.  (Or maybe others of us are just way too sensitive --  I know I can be!)  They are genuinely just excited to share something, having no idea at all that what they are saying might hurt you, or that their actions might make someone else feel like they are being left out. 

 

If you did the same thing -- told her about those other boys coming to YOUR house for a sleepover and all the fun plans you had, and her boys were not invited -- how do you think she would feel?  That would be interesting to know!

 

 

I think I will have to try this out. I'll invite the two boys to sleep over that her boys had over last night, and then casually bring it up and mention what a great time they had. It will be interesting to see her reaction. :)

[Garga]

Hmmm. This is a tricky one.

 

I have many, many friends. They're not all very close friends, but there are groups of people that I enjoy hanging out with. (Actually, I don't really have a single very close friend.) I say groups because some of them are my photography group, some are my old bible study group, some are my church group, etc. Some people in the groups overlap and some don't.

 

For the most part, we are all ok with getting together as groups and we're ok with individual families getting together. I mean, we can't all invite 12 couples to everything, right? Sometimes you only have room for one other couple or maybe two.

 

But I have recently become friends with a couple who get a little funny whenever they hear of me going out with other people. I try not to mention it ever, but sometimes it just can't be avoided. I can tell it hurts their feelings if we go out with other people though they try to hide it. They don't try to control us and they never say out loud that it upsets them, but I can read the body language and I can tell it makes them feel sad.

 

So...I have pretty much the exact opposite problem as the OP. I don't mention things I do with other people, because when I do my new friends get sad. And it drives me a little bit nuts. I can't be expected to have no other friends or spend time with no one else. I can talk about what I do with other people to everyone else. I can say to Friend A, "Oh yeah, the boys are going to Friend B's house tonight," and no one bats an eye. It's just the new friends who get funny about it. I think it's silly to get upset because your friends do things together and can't invite you to everything.

 

Other than that quirk, these new people have been wonderful friends to us.

 

ETA: If a group of friends is having a big cookout and invites everyone except for a single couple, that would be bad form. But people are allowed to hang out with others on a smaller level and it really ought not be a big deal. I suppose the OPs issue might be that the person talking is doing it in a subtly mean way.

[LibraryLover]

I've never understood why kids can't get together with some friends without including *every*' friend. Time, space, money, energy, & chemistry all come into play in these situations. It is one thing to rub it in the face of the kids, of course. That is never ok.

 

Something like this feels personal, but it doesn't mean it really is. Grace and all. :)

 

However, if this friend is looking for ways to hurt you or your kids she's not a friend.

[MomatHWTK]

I think I will have to try this out. I'll invite the two boys to sleep over that her boys had over last night, and then casually bring it up and mention what a great time they had. It will be interesting to see her reaction. :)

 

That seems a little to head game-ish if you guys are really friends.  Couldn't you just talk to her about your feelings? 

[LibraryLover]

I think I will have to try this out. I'll invite the two boys to sleep over that her boys had over last night, and then casually bring it up and mention what a great time they had. It will be interesting to see her reaction. :)

Don't use the kids. That can cause all kinds of emotional damage.

[fraidycat]

I'm saying this gently, but I don't think your friend is the "problem" in this exchange. All she did was exchange small talk about her kids' plans AFTER she asked about your kids.

 

She is not socially inept or clueless. I find it rather offensive and rude that posters would label her as such. She didn't call and say so and so are coming over, neener neener. She had a conversation where information was exchanged on both sides.

 

It's rather kindergarten to believe that all friends should be included at all times.

[Farrar]

I'm with the people who are baffled by being upset by this.  I wouldn't mention something like that to a casual acquaintance because that can be sort of awkward sometimes.  However, a close friend that I see all the time, whose kids are close to mine and who is one of the families who we're sort of wrapped up with (there are a handful of families that we have a ton of overlapping activities and meet ups with)...  I wouldn't think twice.  It would never occur to me that it was competitive in any way.

 

This, to me, is sort of like the people who complain about how cruel their Facebook friends are for posting their happy moments all the time.  I don't get it.

[bolt.]

To me it's a bit juvenile to say to friend A, "Let's get together, but remember to keep it secret from friend B."

 

I just don't think that all polite people remember that being friends is a secretive thing, that you just automatically don't mention it in polite company.

[kwg]

Why are people talking about secrets? This has me baffled!  

 

If I go to the pool with friend A, so what right?  But by the same token, why do I need to tell people?  Heck, I am starting to feel like in order to not be passive aggressive and secretive and be a good friend I need to email my schedule out to people.  :huh:

 

Op- today I really was with a friend who talked about getting together with another friend and bc of this thread I analyzed my reaction.  I can honestly say I felt nothing. lol.  But earlier I did respond that I have a friend of a friend that is always doing this and it does bug me.  So in my case I think it is bc it just feels so all the time.  Maybe that is what it is for you also?

[TammyS]

I think I will have to try this out. I'll invite the two boys to sleep over that her boys had over last night, and then casually bring it up and mention what a great time they had. It will be interesting to see her reaction. :)

 

I gotta say, I think that's really wrong.  Firstly, it's passive aggressive in your dealings with her.

 

But worse, you are using those two boys as objects in your machinations to play head games with this woman.

 

She might be clueless, but what you are considering is deliberate. :sad:

[bolt.]

Why are people talking about secrets? This has me baffled!

 

If I go to the pool with friend A, so what right? But by the same token, why do I need to tell people? Heck, I am starting to feel like in order to not be passive aggressive and secretive and be a good friend I need to email my schedule out to people. :huh:

 

Op- today I really was with a friend who talked about getting together with another friend and bc of this thread I analyzed my reaction. I can honestly say I felt nothing. lol. But earlier I did respond that I have a friend of a friend that is always doing this and it does bug me. So in my case I think it is bc it just feels so all the time. Maybe that is what it is for you also?

I guess I think in terms of "secrets" because I tend a little towards black and white thinking: either a thing is 'common' (free to be shared when relevant, if I feel like it) or its not to be shared at all, outside of a specific set of people. I consider information that I know, but I shouldn't share it freely, to be confidential -- a secret.

 

If I go to the pool, and someone wonders what I was up to, I would freely share where I went, who I went with, and how I liked it. Its an anicdite from my life with no special significance. The only reason to carefully not mention it as small talk is if it's a "secret".

 

Sure, maybe it doesn't come up. Maybe we talk about sports or diets or weather instead. Whatever. I'm not pressured to share all my comings and goings -- but, unless its secret, if it comes up, I don't need to hide it. It wouldn't occur to me to avoid that anecdote for any particular reason.

 

If there's a reason to keep it to myself, or to keep it from another person intentionally, that's a secret.

[myfunnybunch]

I think I will have to try this out. I'll invite the two boys to sleep over that her boys had over last night, and then casually bring it up and mention what a great time they had. It will be interesting to see her reaction. :)

 

Wait....what?

 

Are you suggesting that you would really invite kids over for a sleepover in order to purposely engage in the same behavior you find hurtful in your friend? That seems pretty manipulative. It's one thing to be a little clueless about a hurtful behavior and quite another to purposely engage in it in order to.....what? Test the friendship? Hurt her back? 

 

I hope I am misunderstanding. Or maybe you were mostly joking and I couldn't read the tone?

 

Cat

 

[kwg]

Thank you bolt, I see what you mean now!

[Rebel]

We are friends with a lot of couples. If someone is hosting something at a place large enough to accommodate everyone, then everyone is most likely invited. More often however, we get together in smaller groups. We try to invite people over once a month if possible, but can only have about 3 couples plus ourselves. We do not invite the same people every time. Others do the same, and yes, we all talk about it. It has never been an issue that I know of. Sometimes, we make a point of inviting people with children over. Other times, we try to make it adult only. Every time I want to have people over to swim, I can not invite the entire group, so I rotate. Yes, pics may be on facebook where most of us are friends. I know I've had conversations where weekends were discussed and friend A has told me how she and her husband got together with couple's B and C. I've never felt slighted in the least. Conversely, I may have gotten together with couples D and E.

 

The same holds true for individual friend's getting together to shop or whatever. Maybe, it's a regional thing?

[Catwoman]

I think I will have to try this out. I'll invite the two boys to sleep over that her boys had over last night, and then casually bring it up and mention what a great time they had. It will be interesting to see her reaction. :)

Do you still want to be friends with the woman?

 

It sounds like you may be looking for an excuse to end the friendship. Otherwise, I'm not sure why you would set her up in this way. :confused:

[mirth]

I can't imagine inviting not one but two boys to spend the night in my house and imagining it as retribution for anyone but myself for having such a crazy thought.

 

If you love your friend, tell her you love her and have her own her behavior. By no means become the thing you detest or else this type will be the only kind you attract.