Would you please or would you mind?

[ChristineP]

When asking dh to do something like empty the dishwasher, I say "Would you mind emptying the dishwasher?" He thinks it is more polite to say " Would you please...?" I will say that with the kids but imo it sounds more like a polite order. I am just getting over being sick is why I would ask him anyway and not sick kids aren't available. So...your thoughts??

[Slartibartfast]

I don't think I would think anything of either, I think dh and I use the two interchangeably. I don't really see them as different unless the tone was a bit more crabby in one than the other.

[Dana]

Dh gets cranky when I ask him "do you want to..." :)

 

I keep working on making the change to "would you.." It's tough to change habits!

[Kathryn]

To me, asking if he'd mind isn't actually asking him to do it, it's just asking for information. "Would you please" is asking him to actually do it. That said, I usually say "can you empty the dishwasher?," which is also actually asking for information. And since we are a bunch of smart asses, the other person says "yes, I'm capable of doing that."

[Guest]

"WILL you please _______________r?"  

 

That's what I was taught to say to a man.

 

"Would" invites speculation.

"Can" invites sarcasm.

 

"Will" invites decision and if given, a gift.  And it is direct.  Men seem to like direct.

 

Of course, I also have a favorite little cartoon:  "Ladies, if you have asked us to do something, trust us to get around to it.  There's no need to nag us every 6 months."

 

[KidsHappen]

When asking my dh to do something, I phrase it whatever way he would prefer especially if it will increase the chances that he will comply.  :tongue_smilie:

[Garga]

This sort of petty behavior drives me NUTS. Not picking on your DH. My DH gets petty about things like this from time to time, too and I always feel blindsided by things like that. I don't like it when my innocent motives are questioned because of a nuance in word choice. I feel misunderstood and get defensive.

 

Just ask the way he wants you to ask him and let it go. Seriously, it's petty, but if it makes him feel more loved, appreciated, whatever, it's an easy enough thing to do.

[Laurie4b]

When asking dh to do something like empty the dishwasher, I say "Would you mind emptying the dishwasher?" He thinks it is more polite to say " Would you please...?" I will say that with the kids but imo it sounds more like a polite order. I am just getting over being sick is why I would ask him anyway and not sick kids aren't available. So...your thoughts??

 

 

Just ask the way he wants you to ask him and let it go. Seriously, it's petty, but if it makes him feel more loved, appreciated, whatever, it's an easy enough thing to do.

 

The two phrases seem to me to be interchangeable, Maybe it's petty or a weird quirk of the way he was raised or whatever, but try to do it his way UNLESS this is a control issue. Then you got bigger fish to fry.  You are NOT asking in an impolite way at all.

[zoobie]

Unless you say, "Hey doofus, get off your lazy butt and unload the dishwasher," I think he's being ridiculously nit-picky. We don't have formal requests for general household chores. It'd be "hey babe, can you grab the dishwasher?" And I'd pat his butt in thanks. I'd think he had lost his mind if he asked me to rephrase more politely.

[MeAndTheBoys]

All I can imagine is "Would you mind" is kind of smart-mouthy, like, "Do you MIND?  You are doing nothing and you should get up and empty the dishwasher!"

 

And "Would you please. . ." is really asking to do it.  "Would you mind. . " leaves an opening for saying, "Yep, I'd mind.  So no thanks."

 

So I see the difference, and as long as he's being silly and not like, YOU MUST SAY IT THIS WAY, I would just go along with it.  And probably say it extra-syrup-y.  "Darling, would you PULEEEEEZ empty the dishwasher?  Thanks, honey-pie!"

 

Betsy

[Garga]

Maybe the phrase "Would you mind..." makes him think of when people use that as a way to show their irritation.

 

Like, if you're standing in line and someone keeps bumping into you and you turn and glare and say, "Would you mind?!" as a complete sentence.

 

Perhaps in his world the word "mind" used in a question is laced with disapproval.

[Sherry in OH]

My husband would interpret “would you mind emptying the dishwasher†as a query as to whether or not emptying the dishwasher is a task that bothers him.  He would answer that question.  The dishwasher would remain full of clean dishes.

 

“Please empty the dishwasher,†would be more likely to yield the desired results.  

[Robin M]

He's a man, you have to use man speak.  Be very direct and don't frame it as a question when you need something done.  When I say, honey, please take out the trash.  He will - but on his time frame. So instead I say, honey, I need the trash taken out now.   Works much better. 

[Wilma]

I agree with you that "would you please" sounds more like a mandate.

[MomatHWTK]

Yes, or try "If X isn't done by Y time my head is going to explode."  LOL 

[Dory]

I always thought "Would you mind..." came across as if I was trying to ask someone if they would do something. "Would you please..." sounds like I am politely telling someone to do something. I use the latter more often with my kids, I use the former more often with my dh. He has always seen it the same way too.

[ThisIsTheDay]

"Would you please just not mind doing it, instead of trying to pick apart how I'm asking?"

 

Okay, I wouldn't really say that. But I'd probably do the dishwasher a lot more by myself and stop asking for help. I would find it extremely annoying and contentious, and I'd figure if my husband were going to nitpick like that, it's just best that I don't ask.

[greenvneck]

Honestly, it would never occur to me to ask or expect my husband to do that...that's a child's job.  :huh:  I tell the kids 2-3x a day that the dishwasher needs to be emptied and they do it. Tonight I did ask if someone, anyone, would please just put the food away that I cooked for hours because I'm just DONE and no one had done it, so obvs my kids aren't perfect.  :lol:

[greenvneck]

Not that I TELL them 2-3x a day, it just needs to be DONE 2-3x a day and the dishes STILL are piling up.

[Tammi K]

I think both are polite, but I would expect a reply of, "I'd rather not!" if asked if they would mind. :001_rolleyes: But, that's just the way my kids are....They would do it either way, but if they 'mind' they would let me know!  

[Mrs Mungo]

Honestly, it would never occur to me to ask or expect my husband to do that...that's a child's job. :huh: I tell the kids 2-3x a day that the dishwasher needs to be emptied and they do it. Tonight I did ask if someone, anyone, would please just put the food away that I cooked for hours because I'm just DONE and no one had done it, so obvs my kids aren't perfect. :lol:

She said:

"I am just getting over being sick is why I would ask him anyway and not sick kids aren't available."

 

I would probably say, "forget it" and start coughing all over the clean dishes as I unloaded them, blowing my nose, etc.

 

My dh helps with dishes, laundry, whatever needs to be done, and I don't need to usually ask him to do, much less ask in a super-special manner. The house would quickly spiral downhill if everyone had to be asked to help take care of *their* house.

[Paige]

I suspect he just wants to hear a please. I don't have a problem with either phrasing, but I'm not overly sensitive. I would try to remember to add a please onto whatever phrasing I use from now on and that's about it.

[jenn-]

Did he bring this up after emptying the dishwasher? If my dh brought it up before complying with my obvious request, then my sick self probably would have been quite pissed. I would have coughed once or twice for goid measure, pushed past him and started unloading the dishwasher. Then glaringly told him he could get his own d@mn NyQuil when he got sick. The "please" fairy doesn't follow me around my house pleasantly asking in the nicest tone for all the things that get done day in and day out.

 

Now if he mentioned in passing later that he liked a different wording choice, I would consider remembering the next time to avoid the scene described above.

[Chelle in MO]

"Would you please empty the dishwasher?" is what I most often use and what I teach my kids.  I feel I'm being polite and genuinely asking if someone will do something for me.  If they don't want to or can't at that time, that's fine.

 

If I want one of the kids to do something and NOT doing it isn't really an option, I'll say, "Please empty the dishwasher when you're finished w/math." 

 

A funny story...when one of my kids was a preschooler, my mom asked him if he would mind to get her purse for her.  He very sweetly said, "Yes, I will mind you, Grandma."    :001_wub:

[Katy]

Is there any chance you & DH (or your respective parents) are from different areas of the country?  This sounds like a regional thing to me.

 

I think your DH is correct.  It would bother me too.  After all, you're not asking him if he would mind emptying it.  If he said he wouldn't mind but he still didn't empty it you might get irritated.  You're asking him to do something for you, and when asking someone to do something for you it is polite to say please.  Besides, "mind" sounds like you either think you're being irritating or that you are already irritated about it.  That being said, I wouldn't fuss at you about something so small when you are sick either.

 

Personally if I want something from DH I generally say, "Baby, would you please....." because I was raised to do anything asked of me when it was fronted with that. 

[SKL]

I prefer "would you mind" over "would you please," because "would you mind" gives the person an out if he has some good reason why he'd mind.  "Would you please" feels a little more pushy to me - even though in reality, the intent is the same.

 

I usually would say "would you be so kind as to ____."  I rarely ask unless I really need the help, and therefore people generally don't "mind" my request, but "would you be so kind" seems to put a more positive spin on it.  I usually use "would you mind" about something I'm planning to do, e.g., "would you mind if I put your ___ here instead of there?"  Or for something I actually mind, e.g., "would you mind not leaving your socks on the counter top?!"

[Danestress]

I think I say 'could you please." This all does seem a bit picky to me, though. I can't imagine my husband really caring or thinking they meant something significantly different. And I think he knows there is only one right answer to either question:). I don't consider emptying the dishwasher something he does 'for me," anyway.

[Mrs Mungo]

I don't consider emptying the dishwasher something he does 'for me," anyway.

Agreed.

[nd293]

When asking dh to do something like empty the dishwasher, I say "Would you mind emptying the dishwasher?" He thinks it is more polite to say " Would you please...?" I will say that with the kids but imo it sounds more like a polite order. I am just getting over being sick is why I would ask him anyway and not sick kids aren't available. So...your thoughts??

I agree with you! 'Would you please' means you expect the request to be complied with, whereas 'Would you mind' implies that the person you're asking has the right to decline. Of course, if you mean the former, it's best not to use the latter :-) I learned this when I asked a friend's 4yr old, 'Would you like to help me pack away these toys?', and the child replied, equally politely, 'No.'

[Night Elf]

I use 'would you please' because I was taught to always say please when making a request. However, I honestly cannot discern a difference between please and mind in this regard. I would be floored that my DH could not see the intent of such a question and wanted to argue semantics instead. That sounds like a kid trying to get out of doing something. If he was sincere and not sarcastic, I'd try to remember to change the way I ask but I would always think he was being silly. I shouldn't need formal grammar within the confines of my daily home and activities. That just seems silly.

[marbel]

I've never given any thought to how I ask for work to get done around the house and I must admit if my husband told me I was asking incorrectly I would be pretty annoyed.  "Hey, Honey, can you come over here and help with these dishes for a minute?" would get the job done without complaints.    Generally I would ask this if he is sitting at the table talking to me or finishing up his glass of wine.  If he was in his office doing something else that needed to get done then I would just do the work, or let it wait.  I'm assuming in this that the kids are unavailable for some reason or they would be doing it.) 

 

It is always good to be polite of course, but it's also not good to be overly sensitive about basic communications.

[Cera]

I agree with you.  I think of "would you please...?" as a polite order and use it if I really need something done and expect the person I am asking to do it.  I think of "would you mind...?" as a request and use it if I don't want to do something and am hoping the person I am asking is willing to (but I don't expect them to).

[almondbutterandjelly]

If it gets the job done, then say "Would you please."  Men have funny feelings about words sometimes.  There's a whole section in the "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" book detailing the HUGE difference to a man between the words "would" and "could."  Shrug.  He's a man.  Talk man-speak.  Don't be offended.  Just speak his language.  It's nothing personal.

[elegantlion]

In my mind...would you please is a request to do it soon. Would you mind is a request to get to it if you have the time, not essential to do right away. 

[bettyandbob]

I like "would you please", although I don't use it. I typically say "can you..."

 

My mom always said "Do you want to..." She didn't like it when I got to be a teen and said "No, I don't want to take the trash out" or "No, I don't want to clean the bathroom." I did say I'd do it anyway, but I told her I didn't like the question because who wants to do those things. It was annoying.

[MFG]

I will just have to go against the flow here and say that grammatically I agree with your dh. "Would you mind" is asking about my subjective feelings regarding a task while "would you please" is asking me to actually do the task. Because the use of would makes both statements conditional, neither one is a command. A polite imperative would be, "Please empty the dishwasher".

 

All that said, the substance of your request is clear and debating fine points of grammar when one is feeling ill is irritatingly nit-picky. "Would you please" just sounds better to me.