Is everyone a "friend"? Is this a new trend?

[plain jane]

I've been noticing in the last couple years that everyone is a "friend". Last night I was having coffee with someone I've known for 4 years. She starts telling me that she has a friend who goes to a school in my neck of the woods so I asked her what her friend's name was. I got, "oh uhhh ummmm"..... Then a physical description of both her and her husband before she could spit out a name. Evidently they are tight. ;)

 

I was at a playground with someone I know. We don't hang out but our kids do go to each other's homes. She introduced me to someone else as "her friend". We don't know each other! I barely know anything personal about her. :)

 

So I am wondering if this is the new thing. That everyone is just a "friend"? Is it the polite thing to refer to someone as or have relationships simply deteriorated so much that not much constitutes a friendship? :)

[redsquirrel]

you might have heard of this new thing called The Facebook. I guess everyone on there is friends or something? I don't think they invented it or anything, but it seems to go over well there.

[Wilma]

What would you call the playground woman? "This is a woman sort of know from the playground. Her name is Plain Jane, I think."

 

It maybe is overused, but we have no solid alternative. Acquaintance is too formal or archaic or something. And you're not family. So...? Neighbor is good if you are, in fact, a neighbor. What else is there?

 

Sometimes people qualify "friend". Like if I were with a true friend or family member and met an acquaintance-friend, I might say, "mom, this is Plain Jane, my friend from the park." "Jane, this is my mom, she's visiting from Siberia."

[Susan in TN]

From a slightly different perspective, I have very very few friends. I rarely see the friends I have. I'm a somewhat invisible wallflower in most of my life. But once in a while, someone who I may not actually know very well will refer to me as a friend and I am nearly brought to tears that they would bestow such a kindness on me.

 

So you all are welcome to call me "friend" under any circumstance and I will be eternally grateful for it.

[DianeW88]

I guess I'm not that stingy with my friendships.  I consider people a friend if we are acquainted, see each other on a fairly regular basis (even as infrequently as once every few months), and are comfortable around each other.  What's wrong with considering someone a friend?  I think it's nice.

[Wilma]

Susan, I'd totally be your friend.

 

What you said makes me think of my husbands great aunt - she is a dear dear woman. I've been with her probably three times ever, but I love her to bits. Whenever she speaks of anyone or sees someone she always has a kind word to say about them. "That Bruce, he's always been so good with the little ones!" or "your Mom sure knows how to make a pie!" Always said with genuine goodness and joy.

 

Wouldn't it be wonderful if that's how we introduced people to one another? "Mary, this is my friend Katie. One thing I admire about her is that she is eternally patient and kind," or "Katie, meet Mary. She tells the best stories!"

[poppy]

"I'd like to introduce my my friend" is much more polite than "I'd like to introduce an acquaintance."

It is nice to hear yourself be described as a friend. If you prefer to reserve the term for close friends, you get stuck having to classify relationships in a way is not always flattering.

[Garga]

I see nothing wrong with it. Like a PP said, what else would you call someone? I think people are savvy enough to understand that there are "friends" who are just people that you know (from the park, etc.) and there are friends who are people that you are closely tied to.

 

I don't think this means that people are too naive to understand the difference between a shallow passing relationship and a deeper true-blue friend relationship.

[Word Nerd]

People do use the term loosely—but I don't think it's a bad thing to call someone "my friend" instead of a more technically accurate description like "my acquaintance" or "a lady I barely know."

[Jean in Newcastle]

Do you never forget a name?  I forget my kid's names at times.  It seems rather snarky to point that out as a fault.

 

I suppose technically many people are acquaintances but I often refer to them as friends and do not bother to quantify the exact level of friendship we have ranging from acquaintance to "best friend".  

[KungFuPanda]

This is why I prefer honesty. Just today I introduced so done as "an acquaintance that I haven't known long enough to know if I will keep or dump her."

[LaxMom]

This is why I prefer honesty. Just today I introduced so done as "an acquaintance that I haven't known long enough to know if I will keep or dump her."

:lol:

 

Really, I find the "friend" moniker a little odd, too, particularly if I hear it from an acquaintance like Plain Jane described. I wonder why we need to qualify relationships with introductions. Can't we just introduce the person by their name? If it then comes to how we know each other, "our kids play together" or "she's one of my dearest friends" seems natural. It just seems forced to me, like one's presence has to be justified.

[Catwoman]

:lol:

 

Really, I find the "friend" moniker a little odd, too, particularly if I hear it from an acquaintance like Plain Jane described. I wonder why we need to qualify relationships with introductions. Can't we just introduce the person by their name? If it then comes to how we know each other, "our kids play together" or "she's one of my dearest friends" seems natural. It just seems forced to me, like one's presence has to be justified.

:iagree:

 

If I'm not friends with someone, I don't introduce them as such. I just say something like, "Jane, have you met Mary?" or simply, "Jane, this is Mary." I don't feel the need to qualify every introduction.

[Plink]

If you are intentionally spending time together socially on a regular basis (like at the park), then yes, I think you qualify as friends on some level. I've never been one to label anyone as an aquaintance, but I certainly point out close friends in my introductions.

 

And on a side note, doesn't everyone include the sweet chit-chat that Wilma pointed out? Isn't that the point of introductions? New person, meet friend, here is something that the two of you can talk about- a similarity, job/role, skill, hobby, or other tidbit of info that puts the conversation into the hands of the newly aquainted.

[Jean in Newcastle]

It's a beautiful day in this neighborhood,
A beautiful day for a neighbor.
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?...

It's a neighborly day in this beauty wood,
A neighborly day for a beauty.
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?...

I've always wanted to have a neighbor just like you.
I've always wanted to live in a neighborhood with you.

So, let's make the most of this beautiful day.
Since we're together we might as well say:
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?
Won't you be my neighbor?
Won't you please,
Won't you please?
Please won't you be my neighbor?

[plain jane]

I am not faulting this woman for forgetting a name nor am I stingy with my friendships, I simply ask because I find it a bit confusing at times.

 

In the example of last night, I asked for the "friend's" name because I had hoped to be able to talk to her and ask her a few questions about the local school.  The lady I was speaking with, who is my friend ;), then admitted that she's only met this other woman once when she (the other woman) cut her son's hair.  I really wasn't trying to put my friend on the spot, I simply asked for more information because it was exciting to have an opportunity to discuss the local school.  The term "friend" that she used, in my mind at least, implied that she had some more of a rapport with her than simply having met once, or even twice.  Had it been me, I guess, I would have likely just said, "oh, I met someone recently, or I know someone whose child goes to that school" rather than, "Oh, my friend's child goes there."

 

As for the lady at the park, she is in fact a neighbor ;) and we never hang out. She's never accepted an invitation to come over, nor have I ever been invited over to her home.  We are friend-ly and make efforts for our kids to play, which I appreciate, but she certainly wouldn't be someone I would call to go see a movie with me or, well, for any reason, really. :)  We actually just happened to both be at the park at the same time- we didn't even call each other to get together. ;)

 

Sigh.  I don't mean to offend anyone.  I guess that's why I ask.  Maybe she would have found it offensive had the tables been reversed and I simply introduced her as "Mary" rather than "my friend, Mary".  Maybe I offend people because I don't call everyone my friend??  I don't mean to.  That's why I ask.

 

Until lately, I always thought when someone referred to someone else as their "friend" that they were people who know at least some personal details about each other or even if it's just a phone number. ;)

 

Please, I mean no offence to anyone.  I'm just trying to understand.  I felt bad when my friend didn't know the person she called a friend and had to admit it.  I didn't mean to call her out on it:  It was my own excitement to get a chance to meet someone new or I wouldn't have pursued it at all.

 

 

[plain jane]

 

It's a beautiful day in this neighborhood,

A beautiful day for a neighbor.

Would you be mine?

Could you be mine?...

It's a neighborly day in this beauty wood,

A neighborly day for a beauty.

Would you be mine?

Could you be mine?...

I've always wanted to have a neighbor just like you.

I've always wanted to live in a neighborhood with you.

So, let's make the most of this beautiful day.

Since we're together we might as well say:

Would you be mine?

Could you be mine?

Won't you be my neighbor?

Won't you please,

Won't you please?

Please won't you be my neighbor?

 

 

But can't we call a neighbor a neighbor anymore?  Do they need to be a "friend"??  I'm still just as neighborly and friendly with them.  

 

When did being called a neighbor (when you are one) become offensive or hurtful?  

 

And what if the person you're with is your sister in law with whom you are friends?  Are they "your friend Kate" or your "sister in law Kate"?  Or "my sister in law, who is also my friend Kate"?  Friend implies closeness and from this thread, invokes fuzzy feelings.  "Sister in law" implies a forced relationship by marriage- you may or may not even like the person.   And why can't she just be "Kate"?  Ack.  And what if she lives next door to me?  :willy_nilly:

[Word Nerd]

I think you are overanalyzing it. You don't have any reason to feel bad about putting your friend on the spot by asking for more information, and I don't think she did anything wrong by calling the woman a "friend." When it was necessary to clarify how she knew the woman and the level of their relationship, she did so.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Why does it matter so much?  It's a term that has varying degrees of meaning.  It can run the gamut from acquaintance (which would fit a neighbor or someone you know from school) to a very close best friend.  The word "neighbor" also has such a meaning ranging from someone who lives in the house right next to you to the general area to even someone in your general community (like a neighborhood helper).  Language is like that and has been like that for a very long time.  You use context and some specific questions like you did in this case, to find out the specific definition being used.  Obviously we have different degrees of camaraderie  and sympatico-ness (don't diss me for coining this word, I can't think of the "right one for the occasion!).  I don't think the words require such a rigid interpretation.  

[Jean in Newcastle]

dp

[plain jane]

I think you are overanalyzing it. You don't have any reason to feel bad about putting your friend on the spot by asking for more information, and I don't think she did anything wrong by calling the woman a "friend." When it was necessary to clarify how she knew the woman and the level of their relationship, she did so.

 

Yeah.  You're right.  I do tend to over analyze.   :o

[ElizabethB]

Yeah. You're right. I do tend to over analyze. :o

Well, the Greeks have 4 words for love! Maybe you can come up with a English and Greek love/friendship analysis and report back, we'll critique it...

[Annie G]

What's  weird for me is how to 'talk' about people that I used to be friends with but we grew apart- like our kids played together when they were little but now they're grown and don't hang out anymore. I'm not 'not friends' with these women but we no longer get together and hang out.   

Recently someone brought up needing some info and I offered to call one of my friends because I knew she'd have the info. It was just easier to call her 'a friend' rather than a more vague 'someone I used to know'.   I know a whole lot more about these people than I know about acquaintances, and I would never call them 'former friends' because that kind of implies there's been a falling out. 

 

It's just easier to call them friends. 

[plain jane]

Well, the Greeks have 4 words for love! Maybe you can come up with a English and Greek love/friendship analysis and report back, we'll critique it...

 

I can't tell from text if you are being snarky or not.  :o   I guess I just wondered when "Mary" stopped being "Mary" and all of a sudden needed to be quantified. Qualified?  Ugh.  I can't find the word.  LOL  touche I guess.  What to use when you just can't find the word.  :p

[ElizabethB]

I can't tell from text if you are being snarky or not. :o I guess I just wondered when "Mary" stopped being "Mary" and all of a sudden needed to be quantified. Qualified? Ugh. I can't find the word. LOL touche I guess. What to use when you just can't find the word. :p

Yes, I am being snarky. I was trying to be funny, no harm intended, Jane my virtual friend.

[poppy]

But can't we call a neighbor a neighbor anymore?  Do they need to be a "friend"??  I'm still just as neighborly and friendly with them.  

 

When did being called a neighbor (when you are one) become offensive or hurtful?  

 

And what if the person you're with is your sister in law with whom you are friends?  Are they "your friend Kate" or your "sister in law Kate"?  Or "my sister in law, who is also my friend Kate"?  Friend implies closeness and from this thread, invokes fuzzy feelings.  "Sister in law" implies a forced relationship by marriage- you may or may not even like the person.   And why can't she just be "Kate"?  Ack.  And what if she lives next door to me?  :willy_nilly:

 

I call a neighbor a neighbor, but someone who lives across town? No. There are 40,000 people in my town and they are not all my neighbors.

 

Kind of OT but my husband, when he forgets a name, sometimes jovially uses terms of male endearment like "buddy"  or "chief". Women don't have that.  "Hey you!" I guess.

 

[Mimm]

It's just verbal shorthand to describe a friendly relationship. It eliminates the need to quantify every relationship in your life.

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

I reserve the term "friend" for close people who know me well and I TRUST. My MIL's definition seemes to be anyone she sees on a regular basis who is nice to her. When they totally betrayed my trust and I tried to establish boundaries and said that I could no longer be friends with them, just family; well then I was a back stabbing, betraying, monsterous disowner. ( all her words.)

 

My point is it means different things to different people,

[maize]

I have a neighbor that I definitely consider a friend, we chat quite often...but I can never remember her name. At this point it is embarrassing to have to keep asking...

[momto10blessings]

I'll just go ahead and place the blame on facebook! Friending people and what not.

[ElizabethB]

I would say, "This woman I met." Or something like that.

What about virtual friends you have not met? What should I call you?

 

Woman I kind of met? :)

[Jean in Newcastle]

I'll just go ahead and place the blame on facebook! Friending people and what not.

Or you could blame the Quakers.  They've been friending people since the middle of the 17th century. . . 

[ElizabethB]

Or you could blame the Quakers. They've been friending people since the middle of the 17th century. . .

That is hilarious!! I would post a cute little laughing hysterically smiley, but I am on my iPad.

[PeacefulChaos]

So I was thinking about it and I don't refer to people as 'friends' unless I really consider them a friend, either. 

Huh.  I didn't even realize that. 

When I introduce people, I don't say anything like 'my friend ___' though, either.  I would just introduce by names.  If I felt I needed to go further I might say, 'we are in the same small group at church' or whatever applies.

In the OP's case, I would have said something different, as well. 

However, I've never noticed how other people do it, and it wouldn't bother me one way or another (whether it was loosely used or not).

[MFG]

This just seemed appropriate at this point.

[texasmama]

I am not very precise with language, so I might refer to quite a few people as "friends" who don't fit the true definition.

 

Also, I err on the side of protecting people's feelings so I might introduce an acquaintance as a friend.

 

I can never recall the name of the dentist I've seen for ten years so name recall would not ding my radar. Lol

[texasmama]

What about virtual friends you have not met? What should I call you?

 

Woman I kind of met? :)

I call these people my online friends. I'm just friendly like that. :D And some of them truly are friends. :)

[Danestress]

I definitely refer to people as 'friend' if they are someone I see regularly and chat with comfortably. If there were words in English to distinguish true friends from casual friends from 'people I see a good bit of but don't know on a deeper level," I would use them. English needs more refinement in this department.

[TheApprentice]

I agree with you, Jane. To me, the term "friend" has a meaningful definition. There is some depth to the relationship. I usually don't address people by a title, ie.neighbor, acquaintance, co-worker, etc. I don't see all my relationships as equal, but I have a couple of "friends" and many more "acquaintances.

 

I also teach my children that true friends are a gem and hard to come by, and I actually discourage them from calling everyone a friend, because it just isn't true.

[ElizabethB]

I agree with you, Jane. To me, the term "friend" has a meaningful definition. There is some depth to the relationship. I usually don't address people by a title, ie.neighbor, acquaintance, co-worker, etc. I don't see all my relationships as equal, but I have a couple of "friends" and many more "acquaintances.

 

I also teach my children that true friends are a gem and hard to come by, and I actually discourage them from calling everyone a friend, because it just isn't true.

I just add good friend for those type of friends.

 

I also like Anne's "Of the race that knows Joseph" but that is a bit long and literary for everyday use.

[Haiku]

So I am wondering if this is the new thing. That everyone is just a "friend"? Is it the polite thing to refer to someone as or have relationships simply deteriorated so much that not much constitutes a friendship? :)

 

I have noticed that I will refer to kids that my kids barely know as "friends" if the children have been playing with one another. For example, if we are at a park and the kids find other kids to play with, I will say,"Tell your friends goodbye" when we leave. I have wondered before why I do this. I suppose it is because I would like to encourage my kids to view other people positively and not suspiciously, which is a trend I have noticed: be wary of everyone. I don't like that trend.

 

My dd12 has always referred to just about everyone she knows as her friends. Although she is an introvert and honestly tends to be happier just doing her own thing, she does seem to have a lot of positive regard for other people. I like that trait about her.

[TheApprentice]

My children too have a positive regard for people and get along well with others, as do I. To me, that doesn't naturally flow to acknowledging everyone as a "friend". JMHO

 

A friend is special. They really know me, and have my back, and vice verse.

An acquaintance is someone I hang out with, shoot the breeze with, etc. And if one of these acquaintance relationships become them deeper, then they become my friend.

 

I think society is becoming a lot looser with this term. How in the world can my niece have 500 "friends" on facebook. Really, she probably couldn't identify most of them in a line-up. We've lost the value of the word, and it's actually causing more isolation amongst us because it's so superficial and lacks depth, which what we really desire. Deep relationships.

 

 

[Haiku]

We've lost the value of the word, and it's actually causing more isolation amongst us because it's so superficial and lacks depth, which what we really desire. Deep relationships.

 

I guess I feel differently. I lived in a country where becoming "friends" was a lot harder than it is here in the States. There almost seemed to be a formal set of steps one had to go through to be considered a friend. Consequently, people had much smaller social circles. IME, this created much more insularity and much less openness. People's interactions seemed much more stilted and formal. I felt less at ease. I like the fact that, where I live, people are pretty open and friendly with most of the people they come in contact with.

 

I know who my close friends are and who my more informal friends are. I don't think there is only one kind of friend.

[I talk to the trees]

What about virtual friends you have not met? What should I call you?

 

Woman I kind of met? :)

 

If I am talking to someone IRL about someone on the board, I just use their user name. ex. "I was talking to ElizabethB on the board last night, and...." I suppose this only works for people who know me well enough to know that I frequent this forum, though.

 

Or you could blame the Quakers.  They've been friending people since the middle of the 17th century. . . 

 

This one got me! I almost choked on my coffee! :lol:

 

 

If I am introducing an acquaintance or someone I don't know all that well, I might introduce them as a friend, because the word acquaintance sounds so stiff and awkward. If I am introducing someone who is a very special person to me, I will say "This is my dear friend." I think it is possible to have different degrees of friendship. They are all friends, but some are more dear than others.

 

[Lizzie in Ma]

From a slightly different perspective, I have very very few friends. I rarely see the friends I have. I'm a somewhat invisible wallflower in most of my life. But once in a while, someone who I may not actually know very well will refer to me as a friend and I am nearly brought to tears that they would bestow such a kindness on me.

 

So you all are welcome to call me "friend" under any circumstance and I will be eternally grateful for it.

 

I'd be happy to be your friend. :grouphug:

[Jean in Newcastle]

It's not like people who use the term in it's broader meaning in casual conversation, don't recognize the various degrees of friendship.  As "I talk to trees" said, the word "acquaintance" in the English language sounds stilted and in my opinion, a bit unfriendly.  I would assume that the people who use the term in it's broader meaning probably don't put that much thought into how they are introducing someone.  One day I might say, "This is my friend, Mary" the next, I might say "This is Mary", the next I might say "I'd like you to meet Mary from church". . .   I don't expect people to then categorize Mary into some kind of a friendship hierarchy matrix.  All I intended to do was to let them know that her name is Mary.  

[TheApprentice]

I guess, for me, its more of an internal feeling. I don't go around introducing people a lot to one another on a daily basis, so I really have no purpose for a title of any sort, ie. neighbor, acquaintance, friend, on-line friend, etc. I'll probably just use your name.

 

I'm not referring here how I relate to people on a day to day basis, which is friendly, it's more how I view the relationship, internally. And I have very few friends, but plenty I'm friendly with.