A Husband's Amazing Response To 'She's A Stay-At-Home Mom? What Does She DO All Day?'

[mohini]

If only society would read this. How many SAHM's (and dads) face this question? Of course I also think women should have the freedom to fulfill themselves professionally but society over values professional accomplishment. I just thought some people here might appreciate this.

 

http://www.sunnyskyz.com/blog/116/A-Husband-s-Amazing-Response-To-She-s-A-Stay-At-Home-Mom-What-Does-She-DO-All-Day-

[umsami]

I saw this on Facebook this morning.   :thumbup:

[Moxie]

Idk. Most of the sahm's I know aren't working 24/7. Most of them use at least one Mom's Morning Out program, most of them drop the kids off at the gym daycare for an hour several times a week, most of them start half-day pre-school at age 3. My sister is a doctor and is expecting her second child--she would love to have time to work out or go to the grocery store sans toddler but she has to fit it all in after work. Honestly, she does all I do (except clean-she has a cleaning lady) and she works full time. There is no way I'd say my job is harder than hers.

[Tmhearn]

I loved that article. I tend to undervalue myself in my SAHM life. I really liked the point he made about what would happen if you quit your job versus what would happen if the mom quit her job. (By quit, I mean totally left her kids like one totally leaves their job.)

[NavyMommy]

Idk. Most of the sahm's I know aren't working 24/7. Most of them use at least one Mom's Morning Out program, most of them drop the kids off at the gym daycare for an hour several times a week, most of them start half-day pre-school at age 3. My sister is a doctor and is expecting her second child--she would love to have time to work out or go to the grocery store sans toddler but she has to fit it all in after work. Honestly, she does all I do (except clean-she has a cleaning lady) and she works full time. There is no way I'd say my job is harder than hers.

 

Really? Even homeschooling moms? I have to say that is not my experience. I will admit we do go to the gym probably 3-4 times a week, but that's something I would do if I was working too. Sadly that's about to come to an end because my daughter is going to age out of the child watch this summer. I'm not saying it's harder to be a SAHM, but I will say they both have completely different challenges and I don't think it's wrong to acknowledge that.  

[momacacia]

Honestly, if a SAHM has all her kids in school all day and can't find time to sit down and drink a cup of coffee, she needs organizational and planning help. I know these moms who have time, energy and freedom for regular lunches with girlfriends, multiple tennis games a week, and LOTS of good-deal shopping. I just think, "Really?! How nice!" I watched a girlfriend transition from hs to all kids in school and heard about all the extra time/freedom. Yes, that's jealousy you hear in my voice. ;-) But, I'd work more OTTH also if I had that kind of time.

[Moxie]

I don't consider homeschool moms and sahm's to be the same thing if that makes any sense at all. Sahm's have a lot more freedom than homeschooling moms, IMO. And, yes, that is total jealousy you hear in my voice!

[G5052]

I don't consider homeschool moms and sahm's to be the same thing if that makes any sense at all. Sahm's have a lot more freedom than homeschooling moms, IMO. And, yes, that is total jealousy you hear in my voice!

 

IMHO being a SAHM of kids in the classroom is very different than being a homeschool mom.  Not that they aren't doing a lot, but homeschooling is a complex, time-consuming task that we do in ADDITION to the normal household stuff.  And some of us homeschool, work, and run the household.

 

No regrets here, but now I completely understand why many of my friends put their teens into the classroom. You just get tired, and sometimes the conflicts with being both mom and teacher get pretty tough when they're in high school.  Friends who are no longer homeschooling exercise more than I do, have time to meet friends for lunch, and do more volunteer work than I do.  I'm only 3+ years away from that, and it is certainly nice to think about even if I continue to work!

[Um_2_4]

Thanks for the link. If you read it through, his point is it is NOT about who is busiest. It is about losing the attitude some have in society that the person at home is "JUST" a stay at home parent. That diminishing of the importance of the task is what he is upset about. And that I understand.

Luckily most in my circle of friends are not like that.

[Moxie]

Thanks for the link. If you read it through, his point is it is NOT about who is busiest. It is about losing the attitude some have in society that the person at home is "JUST" a stay at home parent. That diminishing of the importance of the task is what he is upset about. And that I understand.

Luckily most in my circle of friends are not like that.

Yes, and I agree with that part. But he also talks about how his wife is too busy to have a cup of coffee with friends. To me, that is just "mommy war" nonsense.

[Carrie12345]

I am a judgy person.

I understand (and vividly remember) the days of babies at home and how busy they often are.

But I will never understand my former sah neighbor who was always going on and on about trying to do it all... with 1 public schooled child (picked up at 8:10am and dropped off at 4:15pm.)

[momma2three]

Yes, and I agree with that part. But he also talks about how his wife is too busy to have a cup of coffee with friends. To me, that is just "mommy war" nonsense.

 

Agreed.

[Spryte]

If you read it through, his point is it is NOT about who is busiest. It is about losing the attitude some have in society that the person at home is "JUST" a stay at home parent. That diminishing of the importance of the task is what he is upset about. 

 

 

I wish more people would be upset about that.  :)

[TheApprentice]

I liked the article. It seems that individual's are picking out little specific examples to make their point (here and the comments at the end of the blog). To me, he was just suggesting that women, in general, and society as a whole, need to stop undermining each other. He wasn't trying to argue about how "hard" or "busy" it is to being a SAHM, He was just simply stating that it is "Just" endeavor. What's the point in making distinctions, like one life choice is: better, more important, more fulfilling, etc... This mommy war is quite exhausting.

[marbel]

Thanks for the link. If you read it through, his point is it is NOT about who is busiest. It is about losing the attitude some have in society that the person at home is "JUST" a stay at home parent. That diminishing of the importance of the task is what he is upset about. And that I understand.

Luckily most in my circle of friends are not like that.

 

:iagree:

 

Many times my husband has expressed (to me, and to others) how much easier his work life is because I don't have a job, and he appreciates that.  There is never a question about who is going to take the kids to the doctor, stay home with a sick kid, all that stuff that families with two working parents have to negotiate.  I still feel guilty at not bringing in any income sometimes, but that guilt is coming from inside myself (helped, no doubt, by the culture that says if  you're not making money, you're not doing anything worthwhile). 

 

Sometimes the stay-home moms are the only ones who are able to deliver meals to a family with a new baby, or drive disabled people to the doctor. That "burden" (or privilege, depending on your point of view) is now on fewer shoulders than it was back in my mom's days, when there were more stay-home moms and thus more people to engage in that sort of thing.

 

It really doesn't have to be about mommy wars.  Some stay-home moms don't have time for a cup of coffee with a friend in the middle of the day.  Some have lots of time.  Best not to judge other peoples' lives by one's own standards, lifestyle, number of kids, parenting style, availability of outside help and money to pay for it, etc.

[Jenny in Florida]

Really? Even homeschooling moms? I have to say that is not my experience. I will admit we do go to the gym probably 3-4 times a week, but that's something I would do if I was working too. Sadly that's about to come to an end because my daughter is going to age out of the child watch this summer. I'm not saying it's harder to be a SAHM, but I will say they both have completely different challenges and I don't think it's wrong to acknowledge that.  

 

Agreed.

 

I don't personally know any homeschooling moms who go to the gym multiple times a week or drop their kids at daycare or spend their days meeting up with friends for coffee. And that is certainly not reflective of my experience.

 

Like anything else, I think being a SAHM is what you make of it. I'm sure some send their kids to school and keep clean houses and work out and hang out with the girls for lunch. Others of us take a different approach.

 

I've participated in more than one conversation on this board in which I've discussed what my average day looks like. So, I won't get into that again. But I promise, my SAHM life bears no similarity to what Moxie described.

 

And I also agree that it's not meaningful to say one path or one approach is "better or worse," "easier or harder." Each experience is individual, with its own challenges and rewards.

[Tmhearn]

It sounded to me like he had infant twins. I'm pretty sure his wife wasn't able to pop into Starbucks and have coffee with a friend with infant twins in tow.

[MtnMama]

I hate the Mommy Wars, especially the defensive responses that women think they need to have, but what I really hate about this particular article is the completely rude way that this guy is "defending" his wife. I would be irate if my husband acted like this. I'm a strong woman and I don't need my husband to defend me, thank you very much. I'm assuming from the tone of the article that she enjoys being a SAHM and was involved in the choice to stay home. I don't understand why if he had to say something, he couldn't have said: "Jane loves being at home with the kids, and we are so fortunate that she is able to do that." End of story.

 

I work full-time and have heard my share of "staying home is best" lectures from everyone from family to strangers. I think it is extremely rude to force your opinions on others, but that's no excuse to be a jerk in return. "I love my job, and I'm so fortunate to be able to be a/an <insert job here> and a mom." If they won't shut up, I excuse myself and walk away.

[wendyroo]

Yes, and I agree with that part. But he also talks about how his wife is too busy to have a cup of coffee with friends. To me, that is just "mommy war" nonsense.

 

I don't see it as "mommy war nonsense", but then I didn't read it as him saying his wife didn't have time for a cup of coffee.  At the end he says: "Finally, it's probably true that stay at home moms have some down time."

 

I took his earlier comment...

"My wife never stops working. Meanwhile, it's the middle of the afternoon and we're both at a coffee shop. I'm sure my wife would love to have time to sit down and drink a coffee. It's nice to get a break, isn't it?"

...to focus more on the break aspect.  At least, that is the part that rings true from my current perspective.  

 

I am a SAHM with three small children and no family, friends or child care options nearby.  All three kids come with me to the grocery store, to my doctors appointments, to the bank and the dentist and to get my hair cut.  Could I go to a coffee shop in the middle of the day?  Sure, and I do, but managing three bored, rambunctious boys in a public place surrounded by hot liquids isn't much of a break.  There are days I would give my left arm to completely step away from the mothering gig for half an hour to decompress.

 

Could Matt Walsh's wife find time to have coffee?  Of course.  But she is a new mom dealing with infant twins - I readily accept the premise that she doesn't get many true breaks no matter how much coffee she manages to drink.

 

Just my thoughts,

Wendy

[Tmhearn]

What really stands out to me in these discussions is that, just like all aspects of life, people have vastly different experiences with staying home with kids. So much of it depends on what other support you have. Some people seem to have a lot of outside support and some people seem to have almost none. It's like trying to compare what people do in their free time if they have a million dollars in the bank versus no dollars in the bank. :-)

 

I'm on the end of almost no support. So, yes, I tend to see things a little differently than the person who has help or time away. When I was pregnant with my last child, I was going to the ob/gyn with 3 other kids in tow. Forget about coffee alone, it'd be nice to have a pelvic exam in privacy. Ha ha!

 

This is just to say that even if it doesn't ring true to your experience, it still is possible.

[brynndolyn]

I don't see it as "mommy war nonsense", but then I didn't read it as him saying his wife didn't have time for a cup of coffee. At the end he says: "Finally, it's probably true that stay at home moms have some down time."

 

I took his earlier comment...

"My wife never stops working. Meanwhile, it's the middle of the afternoon and we're both at a coffee shop. I'm sure my wife would love to have time to sit down and drink a coffee. It's nice to get a break, isn't it?"

...to focus more on the break aspect. At least, that is the part that rings true from my current perspective.

 

I am a SAHM with three small children and no family, friends or child care options nearby. All three kids come with me to the grocery store, to my doctors appointments, to the bank and the dentist and to get my hair cut. Could I go to a coffee shop in the middle of the day? Sure, and I do, but managing three bored, rambunctious boys in a public place surrounded by hot liquids isn't much of a break. There are days I would give my left arm to completely step away from the mothering gig for half an hour to decompress.

 

Could Matt Walsh's wife find time to have coffee? Of course. But she is a new mom dealing with infant twins - I readily accept the premise that she doesn't get many true breaks no matter how much coffee she manages to drink.

 

Just my thoughts,

Wendy

Totally agree. My kids that are at home are 1, 3, and 4. And I'm pregnant. And we live in a new town. Leaving the house for anything is exhausting, and frankly I try not to do it unless I have to. We did find a home school group which has preschool gym and crafts every other Friday which is awesome but I'm still there helping and watching the baby of course. My kids are only watched by someone else on the weekends for an hour or two (if that!) when my husband lets me get away for a while, or by the grandparents for the occasional date night. I also take my 5 y/o to school and pick him up every day, but once this year is over he will be homeschooled.

[naturegirl]

I didn't see the first person's response of "Oh fun! That must be nice!" as rude at all. I probably said something along those very lines more than once while I was working full time and taking care of my son.

 

I worked for the first three years after my son was born. After I gave birth, working full time became incredibly stressful for me. I worked from 4-midnight five days a week and felt constantly sleep deprived and constantly stressed out. I had a very stressful job to start with. But add to that getting up at 7 every morning (with my shift I was use to sleeping in until 10 am or later), spending all morning and early afternoon taking care of my son, trying to constantly make sure I had child care (which was the most stressful part of all probably), and I was a mess. I was always afraid I wasn't managing everything well enough and that I would get fired.

 

Any time I got to sit down with another mom and chat, if I found out she was a stay at home mom I probably said something about how great that was and how lucky she was to be able to do that. I didn't mean it as an insult. I just genuinely wanted to be able to stay home as well, and thought she was really lucky that she got to. 

 

I'm lucky now that I no longer need to work to the pay the bills. And I would never refer to anyone as just a stay-at-home mom. But I acknowledge that both my life and my husband's life are much less stressful now that I am not working outside the home. And if someone tells my how lucky I am or how nice it must be to be able to stay home I agree with them and tell them I feel very fortunate. 

[Joanne]

I have been on all sides, functionally and from an opinion standpoint, of this issue. He lost me in the article.
 

 I also understand that most "professional" women aren't rude, pompous and smug, like the two I met recently.

 

 

 

Please. They were making conversation. And it is just as ok that one of the moms didn't want to stay home all day as it is his wife does.

 

He mentions a disclaimer for single moms and "needing to work." I am SO tired of the "she has to, so it's ok" defense of WOH. We have  quite a bit of it here on this board. My reality is that WOM should be just as valid if that is what Mom WANTS to do - no single motherhood or "need to" involved.

 

I also don't think "mothering" should be elevated to any particular status. I think that good parenting should be a baseline - a non issue. I think that making being a mother or a father a *celebration" is nearly absurd. Truly.

 

I don't think WOH, WAH or SAH parenting should be highlighted as ideal or compared or "judged". Good (and bad) parenting and family-ing exists in all settings. To make generalizations about any of them is inaccurate at best.

I also think raising/caring for children should be a side/tangental activity as an adult goes about ALL aspects of being an adult human. I don't think it should be THE FOCUS.

 

[Joanne]

What really stands out to me in these discussions is that, just like all aspects of life, people have vastly different experiences with staying home with kids. So much of it depends on what other support you have. Some people seem to have a lot of outside support and some people seem to have almost none. It's like trying to compare what people do in their free time if they have a million dollars in the bank versus no dollars in the bank. :-)

 

I'm on the end of almost no support. So, yes, I tend to see things a little differently than the person who has help or time away. When I was pregnant with my last child, I was going to the ob/gyn with 3 other kids in tow. Forget about coffee alone, it'd be nice to have a pelvic exam in privacy. Ha ha!

 

This is just to say that even if it doesn't ring true to your experience, it still is possible.

 

 

I was there for a long time, If I could have a do-over, this is one of the areas I would "do over". I would make it a point to develop and use "support" much earlier and I'd value my being a whole human much earlier. For me, I used SAHM as a shield and barrier to developing a more healthy, self - care lifestyle. I was a martyr instead of a grown woman.

[SKL]

I don't think it's anything to be proud of if a SAHM or a WOHM can't find a few minutes to sit down to a cup of coffee.

 

I do 100% understand that that's how it is when life is in transition.  It takes time to find a rhythm that works.  But beyond that, it's not OK and not impressive IMO.

[Arcadia]

. Some people just aren't equipped to be at home all day with kids. It's just not in their personalities. I don't fault them for that.

:iagree:

Both my MIL and my mum prefer to work even when the income is not needed. My MIL needs to talk to other adults in person everyday to be really happy and neighbors aren't always free to chat. That is why MIL only does jobs with plenty of talking interactions. My mum just enjoy her job as a nurse, she doesn't need the chit chat. My mum was unhappy as a sahm.

[DawnM]

That would be ME~

 

I struggled for about 4 years after I quit my job.  Heck, it has now been 8 years and I still miss it.  I like to work outside the home.  I like the interaction with adults, I like feeling like I am making a difference in the world, I like bringing home a paycheck, and I like the identity that comes with the job I did.

 

Dawn

 

 

. Some people just aren't equipped to be at home all day with kids. It's just not in their personalities. I don't fault them for that.  

 

[wendyroo]

I don't think it's anything to be proud of if a SAHM or a WOHM can't find a few minutes to sit down to a cup of coffee.

 

I do 100% understand that that's how it is when life is in transition.  It takes time to find a rhythm that works.  But beyond that, it's not OK and not impressive IMO.

 

I don't view it as a life in transition as much as a life largely governed by the unpredictability of children - regardless how how much rhythm we have to our day.

 

It is very rare for me to not be responsible for at least one of my children at any given time.  That doesn't mean, of course, that I am interacting with the children every minute of every day, but I am solely responsible for them and all their erratic behavior.  There are several times during the day that hypothetically all the kids should be occupied or asleep.  During those times I try to carve out a few minutes to read or sew or just sit still...until the baby decides that 30 minutes is plenty of napping for the day or the toddler misses the potty and I find myself cleaning up poop or the preschooler has a melt down and tries to hammer through the aquarium.

 

I guess for me it is not so much that I don't have time to myself, but rather that the time comes in small snippets that are frequently interrupted, and that even while I'm on break I still need to be peripherally aware of everything.

 

Wendy 

[marbel]

<snip>

 

I guess for me it is not so much that I don't have time to myself, but rather that the time comes in small snippets that are frequently interrupted, and that even while I'm on break I still need to be peripherally aware of everything.

 

Wendy 

 

This is what I think so many people don't (or choose not to) understand.  Time to have coffee at home with young children around is vastly  different from time to have coffee at Starbucks with no children around.   

 

Sometimes I think that's why some moms of little ones seem to spend so much time on message boards/forums.  They find themselves with a minute or two of free time; they don't know how long it's going to last so there's no point in bringing out the sewing machine or settling down with a book, but they crave some adult interaction... and that's the only way they can get it.   (I said "seem to" because most likely it's very little actual time, just short spurts sprinkled in brief moments throughout the day.) 

[HRAAB]

Back when I was employed full-time and had children, I worked hard - both at work and at home.  Then I quite to stay home, and I still worked hard.  The responsibilities, work and skills needed are different, but I still worked hard.  I honestly can't say I worked harder being a full-time, employed mom or a full-time stay at home mom.  There's stress and frustration attached to both.  And then I added on homeschooling....Still, it always took a lot of work.

 

One thing though.  I have always been able to find time to sit down with a cup of tea or plan a coffee date with a friend.  Maybe I was nursing with my cup of tea or maybe the coffee date was at the park while toddlers played (and we moms ran around), but I've never been so busy - even with 5 children - that I couldn't carve out some time for myself.

 

I hate it when sahms get slammed for having it so easy, but I also hate it when full-time working moms get it from the other side.  It's not easy being a mom, it takes a h*ll of a lot of work, sleepless nights, and sacrifices.  We all work hard.

[Alexigail]

I'm a SAHM, homeschool, have a child with special needs, don't go to the gym, have no hired help etc etc and I still think my life is a lot easier than many working moms I know.  I can't imagine why it would be an insult to say my life is pretty peachy. It's not a walk in the park by any means, and there are certainly days where I'd like more time off, or more income.  But honestly, no one can devalue the work I do with my children unless I let them.  If people want to think that my life is small or not worthwhile, so be it.  I'm having a blast.

[sheryl]

Good for him! 

[Desert Strawberry]

I didn't like the defensiveness of this article.

 

The comment seemed pretty innocuous to me. I do find being home with my kids fun. In fact, yesterday, while we were having lunch at the Chinese buffet, I pulled out one of those lists of questions to ask your kids. They repeatedly answered that I am fun, like to have fun, and like to play with them. I'm calling that a success. I WANT them to remember me as a fun mom who likes games and playgrounds and tickles and hugs. I don't want them to remember me as too busy for a cup of coffee (though my tea often cools before I get to the bottom of the cup), or to think of me as always busy with housework or whatever. 

 

I remember having newborns. I have never had twins, but I imagine aside from being insanely stressful, it's also a lot of fun. I'm guessing that she has the option of going to work if she chooses to. I hope that she is home of her own volition, because that is where she wants to be. It's possible that she is forced to be home by circumstances and is hating it. I would not wish that on her. 

 

Don't we hear it all the time? How can you stand to be home with your kids all day?!? I don't stand it. I enjoy it. If I didn't, I'd send them to school. 

 

I'm not sure where all this defensiveness comes from. Is there general derision of SAHMs to the point that we feel we have to defend the importance of our choices to virtual strangers? I have SAHMed, gone back to school full time, worked full time with my kids in my office ( it sounded like a good idea), worked from home, SAHMed again, while homeschooling. I don't think anyone has ever given me enough crap about any of my choices that I felt I had to detail why my days are worthwhile. 

 

[SKL]

I agree, I can't help wondering why the man felt so defensive.  It is OK to enjoy life and to do something just because you want to.  Maybe wherever he is, there is a lot of judgment of SAHMs.  I think where I live, it's like Sparkly said - nobody really cares that much what anyone else is doing at home.

[SadieMarie]

I feel like being home is almost luxurious at times. At least for me because I've never really enjoyed any job I ever had as much. It stinks if people are stuck in a position they aren't happy with at least some of the time. So if that's being home or working it doesn't matter.

I agree, especially with all the snow days and seeing friends scrambling to find alternatives to taking another day off of work. Though it has been lucrative for dd babysitting. I think a woman stuck in a job she hates and struggling to get everything done and work might think I have it pretty easy. And compared to her she would be right. But compared to a woman in a job she loves with a lot of resources (cleaning help, good childcare...) my life might look pretty boring. It is all relative.

[abba12]

These articles and arguments annoy me because not only are they not true, but they are perpetuating the myth that the only way a SAHM is worth anything is if she is constantly busy and doing something society deems 'constructive' 

 

I am a SAHM, always have been, and it is our hope that I will never need to enter the workforce, that after my youngest children are grown and graduate our homeschool I will be transitioning into active grandmotherhood and other things which will keep me occupied. I'd rather like to try becomming a doula, or possibly even a midwife, way down the track. So I absolutely believe being a SAHM is worthwhile.

 

Having said that, yep, fact is I have it an awful lot easier in some ways than a working mum... and that's nothing to be ashamed of. I don't need to act like I am a martyr and suffering everyday because I don't 'work' in a paid job. I am very blessed and lucky to be able to be at home, and I think it is great fun sometimes!

 

I don't believe that a busy, full lifestyle is necessarily fulfilling. I don't WANT to 'do it all'. Why is this seen as an ideal to live up to? I know some working mums, including my dads girlfriend, and I certainly don't envy them. I don't want to wake up at 6am to get ready, get the kids ready, throw breakfast on the table to get out the door for school and work, work non-stop for 8 hours, run to get my kids, take them to soccer and ballet, grab takeout on the way home, get homework done, try to fit in a half hour of family time before shuffling the kids off to bed so I can begin doing housework and maybe fit in an hour for my husband before I collapse at midnight to do it all again tomorow. That is just in no way fulfilling to me. I am grateful for slow mornings. I am grateful for hours spent watching my kids play outside. I am thankful for a free schedule to spend time with my husband every night once the kids go to bed. I fully appreciate how blessed I am to be able to take an hour for a craft project for myself while the kids nap. I love being able to sit down and watch an episode of my favourite show before I begin getting dinner ready. I am very lucky to be a stay at home mum. Even as a homeschooler, I don't think many of you can tell me that, in a week, you NEVER get an hour to do something you love. But I know work at home mums who have no hobbies at all. The fact I can type this while eating my breakfast is proof of time to myself, even if it's just a few minutes while the little ones watch a TV show before we start school. The work at home mums I know don't have time for forums.

 

My family is aiming for a simpler life. My husband is not chasing a 60 hour a week career, my kids are not going from one thing to another, we are living life more slowly than most people around us today, and making sacrifices to do so, and I don't see why I should be made to feel guilty or less worthwhile for that. I believe this time with my kids, being almost completely solely responsible for their growth and development, is one of the best things I can do with my life. And we have time to enjoy life, instead of trying to keep afloat day after day. What's the point of living if you never have time to stop and actually appreciate and enjoy life itself? I'm not too lazy to work, I'm just not stuck in a perception that I have to be working and busy to be a valuable person. I don't see why I should put more work and stress on myself to fit a strange image that tells me that is the only way I can be someone.

 

Does that mean being a mum is a breeze? NO. Does that mean I spend hours upon hours every day eating bonbons and watching days of our lives? NO. Does that mean I am not busy? NO. Does it mean that when the toddler is whining at me for the 12th time that day and naptime has been sabotaged by unexpected visitors that I don't sometimes wish the kids were in daycare and I was spending my days among people big enough to get their own drinks without spilling them?  NO! I work hard, and when I am not physically working I am mentally processing, my mind is nearly always on the children, their development, their schooling, their activities and games, our family life. I never turn off, I never stop being mum. But I don't pretend that being a SAHM isn't a lot of fun, and I don't take for granted how fortunate I am to be able to live such a simple, relatively stress free, comfortable life. I am lucky.

 

Saying I never stop working from morning till night, that being a SAHM isn't fun and games, that I am just as busy as a working mum is just being defensive and still buying into societies idea of being worthwhile.

 

I am lucky, I am blessed, and I am doing one of the most important jobs in the world. I appreciate that I do not have to try and juggle this job with another one, but instead can invest that time in fun and self fulfillment outside of others judgments. And when it does get hard, and I am crying myself to sleep because I can't handle another day like the one we just had, I often think what it's like for people like my dads girlfriend, when they have a bad day and their day-to-day expectations are so much higher, and I realize how good I have it.

 

 

[Jen in NY]

My guess would be he just started his blog and was looking for a reason to write this. I liked him at first, but after awhile it seemed like he wanted to be inflammatory.

Yes... I think so too. I mean, the guy makes his living as a talk radio host and blogger. Where would he be if we didn't all run over there to see what the controversy was every time he posts? If he really does see the world as black and white as he writes, well... then he's a guy that's got it all figured out. :)

[Catwoman]

Well whatever anyone thinks about it, nobody has ever asked me what I do all day. Nobody has ever asked DH what I do all day. I know he has told people I homeschool our two kids because one of his coworkers asked me if I liked homeschooling and if it was hard work. Other than that, no nobody gives that much of a crap about what I'm doing.

And that's the way it should be. I'm sure you don't care what they're doing, either.

 

Seriously, I don't go on and on to everyone I meet about what I do all day because it's nobody's business and I don't particularly feel the need to share every detail, nor do I care to whine that I don't have enough free time -- or brag when I do have free time.

 

I don't care what other people do all day. Why should they care what I do? I don't require others to justify to me how they spend their time, and I certainly won't get into a stupid "I'm busier than you are, and I do more important things than you do" contest with anyone.

 

I guess people need to find something to blog about. ;)

[LucyStoner]

I am a homeschooling mom who gets in 2 hours of exercise most days and finds time to skate most weeks and see friends both with and w/o my kids. I also volunteer a 1/2 day a week for something that is totally not kid related. Anyone with anything nasty to say about that doesn't matter in my life and is probably envious on some level.

And I don't feel one teensy tiny iota of guilt over it. 

 

It is ok for me to say as a full time homemaker and homeschooler that my tasks are not generally so overwhelming I can't make a little time for myself. There's no overtime pay, no gold stars, no trophies, no nothing for being the mommy with the least amount of personal time.

 

Honestly SAHMs who claim they never have a single second to pee or drink coffee with a friend sound a lot like they are falling into the cultural myth that busy-busy-busy-ness is something to be highly admired for. When I was working there were always a couple of coworkers, who were no more productive and in some cases far less productive than me, and they worked massively long days for seemingly no reason.  They went on and on about how busy they were. They saw being there for 12-14 hours a day a a badge of honor even if 1/2 of what they were doing was a waste of time/didn't impact the organization all that much. It was like a contest for them to see who was giving, doing, working the most. I think that is silly.   There were days I worked very long hours but that was usually offset with time off at other times. 

 

There ARE a few seasons of life it is hard to find time for yourself but it is not a badge of honor to never ever find time for yourself past the hot spots like infancy. Caregivers can't give anyone anything worth having if they become fried out crazy lunatics.

I also think this little bit of snobbery towards public school moms from homeschooling moms is catty nonsense. Sorry, but I see it on WTM threads a fair bit. I can easily see how a person with kids in school all day can have a lot to do. Nor is it for me to judge how people occupy their time.

[DawnM]

I have worked full time as a mom and stayed at home as a mom.

 

I found time for friends and coffee (two of my favorite things!) doing either one.

 

 

[wendyroo]

I am a homeschooling mom who gets in 2 hours of exercise most days and finds time to skate most weeks and see friends both with and w/o my kids. I also volunteer a 1/2 day a week for something that is totally not kid related. Anyone with anything nasty to say about that doesn't matter in my life and is probably envious on some level.

 

I have nothing nasty to say about that, but I am definitely a bit envious.

 

How do you make that happen?  Where are your kids during those times?

[Joker]

I'm a SAHM who now has kids in public middle school. I'm going to continue to stay home and I love it, but I do get tired of hearing those who think it's weird/wrong/lazy of me/etc. that I don't go back to work. I hear it more often than I would like. I will continue to stay at home so that I can pick my dds up from school and be here with them. I will continue to stay at home so I can drive them to after school activities. I love being able to volunteer with my now free time, but I also make sure I have time where nothing is really expected of me. I now get to meet dh for lunch several times a week and it's awesome that's it's just the two of us! At first, I felt guilty about it but not anymore because I'm enjoying it all too much.

 

 

[LucyStoner]

I am a SAHM, always have been, and it is our hope that I will never need to enter the workforce, that after my youngest children are grown and graduate our homeschool I will be transitioning into active grandmotherhood and other things which will keep me occupied. I'd rather like to try becomming a doula, or possibly even a midwife, way down the track. So I absolutely believe being a SAHM is worthwhile.

 

 

Doulas and midwifes are in the workforce.  So it is your hope to at least possibly enter the workforce again. 

[LucyStoner]

I have nothing nasty to say about that, but I am definitely a bit envious.

 

How do you make that happen?  Where are your kids during those times?

 

Either asleep with dad home, awake with dad, with a friend or sitter or with me.  Examples:

 

early AM bootcamp (which I do 4 days a week)- I get home and the kids are either still snoozing or they are munching their breakfast.  If my husband has to leave for work before 7AM, I come straight home and we sorta high five on his way out and my way in.  If he doesn't have to leave for work until after 8 (his shifts vary), I can stay an hour past my session and run or walk some local trails/paths.  Yes, this means I wake up about 4:15-4:45 at the latest those mornings.  Yes, that blows.  But it fits into my schedule, gets the day off to a good start and means I see the sunrise.  I like that. 

 

Evening skating (usually just once a week, sometimes 2x)- I leave about the same time or maybe a touch after we are getting the kids in bed so my husband takes on finishing that up and then he does what he likes or studies.  I get home at 10:30-11.  I meet a friend at the rink and pick up another friend en route.  I will admit it is not easy to get up the next morning but it is

 

Hiking or running or biking- I take the kids with me and we do it together and then hit a playground.  My older son can more than keep up with me on his bike and little guy is about to transition from a trailer to a trail-a-long bike. 

 

YMCA- has drop in free childcare and my older son can go to the youth center or he can come and use the machines with me.  Or we go to a family yoga class (family yoga at the Y hasn't happened recently due to schedule conflicts but it used to be a regular part of our week and it may be again soon since our schedule has changed a little.) 

 

Sometimes I swap sitting with a friend or a family member or my older son goes over to play with his best friend. 

 

Also, I often do my stretching and yoga in the living room while my younger son plays legos and my older son stretches with me. 

 

On my volunteer 1/2 day, my husband is home from work and a sitter or my dad or my brother comes over to play with the kids while dad studies.

 

My husband's weekend is usually Sunday-Tuesday so I can also usually make time for either a solo activity or a family one on Sundays. 

 

I find the time because it is a top priority for me.  It helps us all. 

 

For example, tonight my husband is working swing and the boys want to go swimming.  I am taking them to the Y in a little bit, working out myself for a bit and then we will all swim together.  After swimming, they get their jammies on and we drive home.  Little guy will be asleep when we get home and then my older son and I will watch a Big History or read.

 

ETA:  Long post!  I didn't give this many examples as a way to say "oh, look at awesome me".  The details are to show that there are many ways and times and places and hopefully maybe someone wondering how they could find some time might see one way and think "I can do that."  I know that I am really fortunate to have the time and the resources to do this but honestly, it's not because we just have a lot of time or money or something.  We are short on both to a degree.  We are on a low budget and my husband is extremely busy because he is a fulltime student on top of working 32 hours a week. 

[LucyStoner]

The answer to "what do you do all day?" is for me pretty simple. 

 

I attach the arms of Lego minifigures.  I do this while cooking, teaching, cleaning, reading.  Heck I may have even done it while sleeping.  Because the question "mom, can you help me?" is usually from a small boy bearing a dismembered minifig in his hands and the answer to such a sweet voice is always yes. 

 

-Signed a mom whose just barely 5 year old son knows how to pop off those minifig arms but can't press them back into place. 

[abba12]

Doulas and midwifes are in the workforce.  So it is your hope to at least possibly enter the workforce again. 

 

Yes, ok, true enough

 

What I meant was not entering the general workforce, with the need and intention of earning money to support my family.

 

If I became a doula or midwife it would be because I enjoyed it and found it fascinating, and the money would be a bonus. I am also considering other birth-related volunteer type positions like LCs and teaching classes, however I feel that because I cannot physically breastfeed most of those are closed off to me.

 

I hesitate to call it a hobby because obviously it's more serious than that, but there's a big difference between persuing part time doula-ing in my 40s or 50s and seeing the cash as a nice little bonus for doing something I love now I have more time on my hands, and trying to get a full time job once the kids are older for financial reasons, or applying for entry level work for the sake of getting a job. It is my hope to never need to work for money, or get a job because I am 'supposed' to do so, and should something I enjoy come with some payoff it would be a nice little bonus. I would not seek employment, I would practice privately (homebirths or private midwife if I decided to go that far)

 

Sorry if my wording bothered you, I never intended to say those professions didn't count, I just assumed that the difference between entering the workforce, and following an interest which happens to pay would be more obvious. I see women who feel like they have to go back to work now their children are older and it makes me sad. One lady is a grandma now, and she wants to spend time with her grandchildren and adult kids, and transition to the stage of life she has worked for 20-odd years to make it to, but she has been pushed into full time work in nursing homes, not because she has any desire to be there, but because her husband and friends/family feel that now her youngest is an older teen, there's no need for her to be 'wasting' her time at home. 

[LMV]

Matt Walsh comes across as the kind of person who likes to read between the lines to find a problem whenever possible.  

 

My husband and I both work outside the home.  Usually we manage to coordinate enough that one of us can be home with the kids when life is just hard we have good family support and can find some relative who is able and willing to step in.  We sometimes return the favor and step in for them needed as well.  Because we both have careers outside of home we share responsibility for house/property upkeep, child rearing, and homeschooling.  This works for us and so far it seems to be working for our children.  I love being a mom but I also love practicing medicine and I'm glad I have the opportunity to do both because I'm married to a man who is a competent, caring, and emotionally evolved dad. They say it is the simple things in life that really matter and I agree.  Tonight, when I walked in the door after a difficult, but actually very successful, ED physician shift to the smell of the dinner DH and our kids prepared and the onslaught of hugs from children who missed me and were thrilled I was home, I had one of those moments.  

 

P.S.  May I also just say that 10-6 physician shifts are the best?  I have time to have breakfast with the kids, exercise, and even relax, then I go off to work, come home just in time to sit down to dinner and then put the kids to bed.  

[T'smom]

Yes, ok, true enough

 

What I meant was not entering the general workforce, with the need and intention of earning money to support my family.

 

If I became a doula or midwife it would be because I enjoyed it and found it fascinating, and the money would be a bonus. I am also considering other birth-related volunteer type positions like LCs and teaching classes, however I feel that because I cannot physically breastfeed most of those are closed off to me.

 

I hesitate to call it a hobby because obviously it's more serious than that, but there's a big difference between persuing part time doula-ing in my 40s or 50s and seeing the cash as a nice little bonus for doing something I love now I have more time on my hands, and trying to get a full time job once the kids are older for financial reasons, or applying for entry level work for the sake of getting a job. It is my hope to never need to work for money, or get a job because I am 'supposed' to do so, and should something I enjoy come with some payoff it would be a nice little bonus. I would not seek employment, I would practice privately (homebirths or private midwife if I decided to go that far)

 

Sorry if my wording bothered you, I never intended to say those professions didn't count, I just assumed that the difference between entering the workforce, and following an interest which happens to pay would be more obvious. I see women who feel like they have to go back to work now their children are older and it makes me sad. One lady is a grandma now, and she wants to spend time with her grandchildren and adult kids, and transition to the stage of life she has worked for 20-odd years to make it to, but she has been pushed into full time work in nursing homes, not because she has any desire to be there, but because her husband and friends/family feel that now her youngest is an older teen, there's no need for her to be 'wasting' her time at home.

I think a lot of people feel that way about their professions. Of course, there is a large percentage of people who are doing what they have to do to survive, but LOTS of people are in professions that they care about deeply.....the same way you feel about midwifery. Lots of women could stay home if they wanted to, but they choose to work because their work is fulfilling to them.

 

ETA: When I was pregnant with my first, I had a part time job at the library. (Not what I went to school for.) I had thought that I would quit to stay home completely, but I loved it too much! I would have found a way to keep that job if we hadn't moved. Even if it meant that I was making very, very little money after taxes and childcare. (Most of the time, ds was with dad, but sometimes that wasn't possible.) I loved everything about it, from helping people find what they needed to checking in all the books and seeing things I never would have known about. And that was just a job. Not a profession or a career. But it was fulfilling.

[Jenny in Florida]

Well yeah and plenty of people aren't busy 100% of the time at their places of employment either.  My husband has a lot of downtime.  He is usually doing "something", but a lot of that something doesn't look like much (not ranking, just saying it like it is).

 

 

I absolutely had a lot more "downtime" when I was working full time. I was good at my job and very efficient and often found myself waiting on someone else to catch up before I could move on to the next thing. I rarely had enough work to do to actually justify the number of hours I was supposed to be in the office.

 

And that's not even counting the assorted meetings I had to attend that went on for what felt like forever while we all sat around a table doodling and trying to look interested. (Sometimes, coffee and bagels were provided, of course.)

 

Since I don't handle boredom well, that was actually one of the most frustrating things about working, for me. I hated those hours when I had to look like I was busy but didn't really have anything to do.

 

That is never a problem I've had being at home with my kids. And it's one of the reasons I find staying home/homeschooling so much more fulfilling than working. However, it's also a fact that, for me, being home requires a lot more of me -- more time, more effort, more attention -- than working.

 

I do recognize, though, that this is reflective of my personal experiences and not universal.

[NASDAQ]

I found being at home with younger children easier than working with younger children, and home schooling two/minding two youngers about the same as working. Demanding job though.

 

No one ever accused me of not doing anything though. I have four children who aren't enrolled in school. What would people think that I'm doing?