Moxie Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 If we go on a date night, I'm the one who suggests it and plans for it. Ditto with vacations, fun days out of the house, fun days in the house, everything. That suggests to me that those thing are unimportant to the other adult in this house. So, I quit. We'll just watch TV and be in bed by 10 for the rest of our lives. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 Mmmmmm... TV and bed by 10:00...... Mmmmmmm. (Just kidding. Seriously, it's good for you to plan things you enjoy, just because you enjoy them. Think about these as outings for yourself, where you bring other people because YOU enjoy it more that way. It's 'self care with companions' -- not something you are doing for their sake.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shanvan Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 If we go on a date night, I'm the one who suggests it and plans for it. Ditto with vacations, fun days out of the house, fun days in the house, everything. That suggests to me that those thing are unimportant to the other adult in this house. So, I quit. We'll just watch TV and be in bed by 10 for the rest of our lives. Oh, no! We don't want to start down that road do we? All the things this do-er initiates are streaming through my mind now! When I start that kind of thinking it generally doesn't lead anywhere good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 Maybe your husband has just gotten used to you planning those things and thinks you enjoy it. I'm the one who plans vacations or weekends away (every single detail) because I love to do that. And, my husband always had so many other things to do and DIDN'T enjoy that part as much, so he was glad I did it. :) But, he LOVED the vacation/weekend away. Certainly it would be nice if your husband were to help plan a night out or family time home, however. Can you talk to him about it and suggest that he plan a date night every other weekend and a family event twice/month? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
klmama Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 Is your dh an introvert? Does he have ADD? If either is the case, please try not to take it personally. It may never occur to him to plan, even though he loves you and enjoys and even looks forward to the activities you plan. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie Smith Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 This might make you laugh. I forget the context on the converasation, but one of my boys explained that they thought sex was something I do to Daddy. Because I do the dishes, I do the laundry, I do the chores, I do the planning, ...Daddy goes to work, Daddy goes grocery shopping, ... So since sex was something you do, it must therefore be something I do to Daddy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snickerdoodle Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 Moxie, it can be draining to always be the tour guide. You have my permission to forgo the tour guide mentality for a period of time and hire one (or many) in different areas that you have not experienced before. Think of it as personal development so that you can eventually resume tour guide status with a fresh exuberance. Take care of you! Go out and try all kinds of new stuff! <hugs> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 I understand! I've "forced" Mother's Day, my birthday, and our anniversary on DH to plan. We've had much discussion, my expectations and feelings behind them have been clearly expressed, etc., etc. We both have ADD. I'm an introvert and he's not, but at some point in a relationship you should realize the other person has needs and desires and step up to meet them occasionally! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 I struggle with this too. I don't like reminding my husband that my birthday is coming up and he needs to take the kids out to get me a gift. Having a teen daughter in the house now is helping; she knows and she takes some initiative with Dad. On the other hand, I knew my husband was the absent-minded-professor type before I married him. I'm sure he put more of an effort into things when we were dating (don't we all?) but I knew who he was. I think as people get older, they get more like themselves, so I should have anticipated this. Also on that same hand, I know the burdens he carries (in our case, sole income provider with full-time job + part-time ministry job, which I agreed with him taking on). So, I just do it and try to remain cheerful. We don't do as much as we'd all like because I get burned out too. But then no one is complaining either, because we all understand the burnout! :grouphug: :grouphug: to you and all the tour-guide wives. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustEm Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 I reach that point a while ago and after trying to talk about it with dh, things changing for only a week, and then having the cycle start over I gave up. It sucked for a while but just recently he started planning things. But I told him I was giving up. It wasn't just on planning things though. It was on everything. He worked and parented but nothing else. It's slowly been getting better Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jrn Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 The one time I told dh that he was doing the planning for our anniversary, he still came to me for suggestions and when I held my ground on not planning, he did nothing for us because that's what I wanted. :huh: :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dbmamaz Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 I also have to be the one who 'does' the big maintenance stuff too. He says if he had it to do again, he wouldnt have bought a house. I used to plan activities mostly for the family to do together, but it got harder and harder and no, if i dont plan it, nothing happens. He did plan date nights occasionally, but the last play we went to left me depressed for days (which isnt to say it was bad, but just that I was really reacting to it), and my food allergies popped up and he stopped planning things. He mostly liked taking me to restaurants. Plus his income dropped after I quit working, so he's really stressed about money all the time. But really, you have to decide what you want, and accept who is in your life. If you need dh to plan a date night once in a while, talk to him about it. If he's really incapable, accept that that is who you married. Plan things when that feeds you. Stay home when thats the better option. there's no rule about required date nights. otoh, these days we dont even watch movies together at home. it got to be too much work to find movies we both liked. We watch a movie together about once a year, not counting kid movies. Yeah, its not a fairy tale Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Excelsior! Academy Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 I agree 100%. Last year I Googled date ideas and found a year of dates. Basically you pre-plan and pre-purchase some or all of the dates as a present. I still had to do the initial planning, but it relieved me from the last minute details. Maybe something like this would work for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 Maybe he needs some help: Schedule a planning session - have your favorite beverages and munchies. Make it fun. Brainstorm together - dream a little. make a written list - put names next to some of the ideas! Maybe you do have to be the "idea" person and the "scheduler" in the family - but that doesn't mean you have to do it without help! Anne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kbutton Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 Maybe he needs some help: Schedule a planning session - have your favorite beverages and munchies. Make it fun. Brainstorm together - dream a little. make a written list - put names next to some of the ideas! Maybe you do have to be the "idea" person and the "scheduler" in the family - but that doesn't mean you have to do it without help! Anne My hubby is the do-er, and I am the planner. The problem is that he wants to do with or without the plan, lol! We have challenges in this area, but not related to date night specifically. We are trying to do more of the brainstorming together for whatever needs to be done, and it's slowly helping out. He does need a bribe--it's extremely difficult to him to do open-ended planning. It's very tiring to have this dynamic. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moxie Posted January 14, 2014 Author Share Posted January 14, 2014 It isn't so much that I want him to make the plans, it is that I want him to WANT to make the plans. KWIM?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dbmamaz Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 Well, thats a losing battle. He is who he is. If it doesnt occur to him, if he couldnt care either way, you need to TELL him what you need. He sees the world differently than you do. He wont magically know what you expect. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustEm Posted January 15, 2014 Share Posted January 15, 2014 It isn't so much that I want him to make the plans, it is that I want him to WANT to make the plans. KWIM?? Does he actually not want to make plans or does he just not do it because he knows you will. If he actually doesn't want to make plans there isn't much you can do about that. But if he doesn't do it because you know he does you will do it you can talk about that with him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted January 15, 2014 Share Posted January 15, 2014 oh man I love doing the vacation planning! It doesn't bother me at all that hubby leaves that to me. I leave the car maintenance and yard work to him. :) In our relationship I am really the planner and he is the do-er. However he is very appreciative of our vacations and all the work I put into it, as I am of his work in other areas. I would try to figure out why it bothers you -- do you feel like it is too much work on top of your other responsibilities, or does it make you feel unappreciated or that he doesn't really want go on the trips/dates? Should he show more interest/enthusiasm? You said you don't really want him to make the plans, so what do you want him to do instead? You said you want him to want to do it but honestly it might not be clear to him what that looks like. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swimtaxi234 Posted January 15, 2014 Share Posted January 15, 2014 I have been married almost 27 years and it has always, ALWAYS, been that way for our family. Making plans are my strength and my husband's strength is to bite his tongue and say, "Yes, Honey!" to my ideas since he didn't get off his duff and do it himself. :laugh: I do try to keep his likes, etc. in mind, but I accepted and made peace with my role long ago. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 15, 2014 Share Posted January 15, 2014 Meh. I'm the do-er here, but most of the time, I don't let it get to me. Dh loves to go on our ski vacation...but he has never, ever made a call, a reservation, researched a price or picked the date. (I don't even ski!!!) He enjoys our trips to the ocean, too, but has never flipped through the calendar and said, "I'd like to go this week" or searched through the rental properties to pick a place to stay. If we're going out to eat, it will be because I want to and we haven't been for months and months. If we go see a movie in-theater, it will be because I chose to, I ordered the tickets and I made the plans. I'm also the do-er in most other ways - I'm researching colleges for dd, I read the books, I decide to paint the bedroom, I plan the vegetable garden, I move money between accounts, I get the cars maintained, I make the doctors, dentists and hair appointments...and so on. We are both introverts, but I am more organized and detail-oriented than he is, so I guess most of these things just become my job because I'm not waiting on him to get around to them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SadieMarie Posted January 15, 2014 Share Posted January 15, 2014 Most marriages have a division of labor. For example, in our marriage I deal with vomiting children and he deals with all dead things (mice, squirrels, rabbit parts left by the cat and the sad demise of pets). This is just us. To divide every single task 50-50 is silly when you consider that there are individual talents and strengths. My dh travels a lot so he takes care of any travel plans. However, if you are fed up with a particular task I think it is perfectly fair to say so and swap. As in, "Honey, I am tired of being the social planner and so you need to take that one over and plan an outing every week (or whatever) and I will take one of your tasks." I think you are getting into dangerous territory when you start talking about wanting your spouse/partner to want something that you want them to want. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 15, 2014 Share Posted January 15, 2014 It isn't so much that I want him to make the plans, it is that I want him to WANT to make the plans. KWIM?? I do know what you mean, but it probably just isn't "him." Some people are just habitually content to be at home and doing ordinary things. It doesn't mean they don't enjoy it when someone else makes a plan to go to dinner or take a trip, but they don't have a psychological need to go do things, so a long time can pass before they even notice that they haven't done anything "special." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kari C in SC Posted January 15, 2014 Share Posted January 15, 2014 I do know what you mean, but it probably just isn't "him." Some people are just habitually content to be at home and doing ordinary things. It doesn't mean they don't enjoy it when someone else makes a plan to go to dinner or take a trip, but they don't have a psychological need to go do things, so a long time can pass before they even notice that they haven't done anything "special." You just described my dh. He has no want or need to go out to eat or even see a movie. He is most content is his broken down rocking chair with his family hanging around doing our own things. I have learned I just need to say to him that I need a dinner out with him, etc. I can want him to want it till the cows come home... It won't make him magically change who he is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mathmarm Posted January 15, 2014 Share Posted January 15, 2014 Maybe have the idea of a monthly family outing/activity be something the kids can plan from time to time? Have you asked your husband to keep an eye out for interesting things, events and activities outside of the home? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted January 15, 2014 Share Posted January 15, 2014 The one time I told dh that he was doing the planning for our anniversary, he still came to me for suggestions and when I held my ground on not planning, he did nothing for us because that's what I wanted. :huh: :glare: Oh dear. That's terribly sad and terribly funny all at the same time. I can totally see my own DH doing that, bless his heart. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wintermom Posted January 15, 2014 Share Posted January 15, 2014 Most marriages have a division of labor. For example, in our marriage I deal with vomiting children and he deals with all dead things (mice, squirrels, rabbit parts left by the cat and the sad demise of pets). This is just us. To divide every single task 50-50 is silly when you consider that there are individual talents and strengths. My dh travels a lot so he takes care of any travel plans. However, if you are fed up with a particular task I think it is perfectly fair to say so and swap. As in, "Honey, I am tired of being the social planner and so you need to take that one over and plan an outing every week (or whatever) and I will take one of your tasks." I think you are getting into dangerous territory when you start talking about wanting your spouse/partner to want something that you want them to want. Totally agree with the division of labour - which is usually divided by skill and/or interest. I just wish that in my case, dh cared more than I do about getting dead things disposed of quickly. Somehow this job became mine - perhaps it was because I killed the first mouse we captured by accident and dh hoisted the job onto me. :laugh: Looking beyond the grossness of the job, I am being a good role-model to my dd showing her that girls can do stuff that's yucky. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted January 15, 2014 Share Posted January 15, 2014 The one time I told dh that he was doing the planning for our anniversary, he still came to me for suggestions and when I held my ground on not planning, he did nothing for us because that's what I wanted. :huh: :glare: Do you mean that he came to the conclusion that you didn't want to do anything since you wouldn't give him any ideas? If that's it, maybe he just wanted to be sure to do something you would like. I guess I don't see giving suggestions as doing the planning. Or maybe I'm misunderstanding altogether. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustEm Posted January 15, 2014 Share Posted January 15, 2014 Of course giving suggestions is part of planning. It's the first step a planning. She didn't want to do any planning and ask her dh to. He chose not to because he misinterpreted her silence. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted January 15, 2014 Share Posted January 15, 2014 Men are often happy to be home and stay at home women would like to get out more. I think this is fairly common. He probably does not even think that taking the initiative means something to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy in NH Posted January 15, 2014 Share Posted January 15, 2014 I don't know what you or your dh do for work, but I can imagine that if I were home all day I'd want to go out, and if he were out at work all day he'd want to stay home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted January 15, 2014 Share Posted January 15, 2014 Of course giving suggestions is part of planning. It's the first step a planning. She didn't want to do any planning and ask her dh to. He chose not to because he misinterpreted her silence. Well, that's what I was wondering. I can picture this: Me: Hey, I'm always the one planning our anniversary celebration, how about you do it this year? He: OK. Any suggestions on where you'd like to go for dinner? Me: No. He: OK then. [end of planning] So, I don't see giving suggestions as the start of planning. It could go like this: He: Any suggestions on where you'd like to go for dinner/what you'd like to do? Me: Well... [names some places/possible activities] Or you could, you know, surprise me! I'd just like to go out. He: OK. [has some ideas of what I'd like, now feels like he can pick something that will please me and goes to make reservations] Obviously I've no idea how it really played out for the person I quoted. But that's why I was curious. I could see my husband shutting down if I refused to engage. if he's asking for help in finding out what I want to do, and I'm not giving any ideas, he's likely to forget the whole thing. And I'm not saying this is the case for anyone here, but I have seen it play out this way too: the woman asks the man to plan, and gives no guidance/suggestions of what she'd like to do; he picks something which turns out not to be what she was imagining; she's ticked off and lets him know it --> he's never going to attempt to plan anything again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted January 15, 2014 Share Posted January 15, 2014 This is my husband too. He is perfectly content to sit at home and do nothing. He will go if I suggest it, but he isn't really one to suggest anything. I told him that now that the kids are older, we need to get out, just the two of us, more often. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dbmamaz Posted January 15, 2014 Share Posted January 15, 2014 Was thinking about this more - it reminds me of something I read in a parenting book a long time ago - telling a kid to do something wtihout teaching him how is just setting him up for failure. Its also the 'love languages' issue - he expresses his love for you in some ways that dont speak to you, and he is blind to what you need, and communication is the only cure. There are books and websites with suggestions on planning a date - but he will need positive encouragement. guys really have fragile egos. They dont want to try to put effort in to something for you, something thats really hard for them to do, and then have you tell them they did it all wrong. You might want to try training him slowly - like first ask him to plan a dinner out, tell him a few possible restaurants and give him the babysitters number, and ask him to do the rest for you. If that works, make the next assignment a little harder. Train him. You have to teach people to treat you the way you want to be treated. There is no fairy god mother waving a magic wand to make our men more like our fantasies, but most of them are trainable. Mmm, mine, maybe not lol. I've been trying to train him to kiss and hug me more often for 8 years . . . ok, he's improved some over 8 years. But its still a work in progress. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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