33yo guy/16yo girl - is this ever okay?

[Kathryn]

Just wondering what the Hive thinks. Is there ever a circumstance where this is okay?

[Scrub Jay]

Nope.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

I did it. Looking back? Absolutely not ever ok.

[unsinkable]

Mary and Jospeh?

[JustEm]

No

[Bensmom]

No.

[bettyandbob]

21st century?

 

No.

[SKL]

In modern society, no.  Historically, it was pretty normal.  (ETA:  I mean having sex / getting married.  Getting to know each other with an eye to a future intimate relationship could be OK in some cases.)

 

My grandma was half her husband's age when they got married.  (40, 20.)  Probably started dating sometime before that.  They were very happy and he was a great husband and father (though it was his second time around).

[QueenCat]

No

[Liz CA]

No. Age differences take on different meanings depending on the actual age. If one is 30 and the other 50, it's completely different.

[Dandelion]

It might be ok (and even the accepted norm) in some cultures.  In the U.S.?  No. 

 

ETA: the idea of "child brides" is abhorrent to me regardless of the culture in question.  But a mature 16 year old girl, raised in a culture where 16 is considered adulthood, could enter into a healthy relationship with a 33 year old man.  It really depends heavily on the culture, context, and circumstances IMO. 

[Rebel Yell]

HAHAHA I wish!  I know an absolutely wonderful 30yo man that I'd love to have as a son-in-law, but he is too old for all of my girls. :leaving:

[Kathryn]

Just wondering after reading the articles about Paul Walker. I had no idea who he was, but apparently he'd been with his girlfriend since she was 16 and he was 33 and the authors of the articles that I was reading didn't seem to think this was at all strange.

[Rebel Yell]

(weird- posted when I was editing)

[Rebel Yell]

My dad was 12 years older than my mom- I joked that she was in Kindergarten when he went to his Senior Prom.

 

My mom later married a man 17 years her senior...  she would have been in diapers at his Prom. :lol:  but they were 55 & 72 when they got married- neither was in diapers. I hope. :leaving:

[NicAnn]

Goo. No. My husband is 30 and, just, no.

[QueenCat]

No. Age differences take on different meanings depending on the actual age. If one is 30 and the other 50, it's completely different.

 

Exactly right! Maturity and experiences are completely different as one ages........ and a 16 year old is NOT an adult.

[ThatHomeschoolDad]

Nope. No. Not ever. Uh-uh. Run the other way. This is not 16th centruy Cremona. If you think there's a religious excuse, find a new religion.

[Tap]

nope

[SKL]

Well, were they having sex or just getting to know each other when she was 16?

 

I read that Celine Dion's husband is way older and she had a major crush on him when she was underage (not sure exactly what age).  Supposedly he waited until she was 18 to have any romantic involvement with her.  As far as I know they are still happily married.

[Julie Smith]

Well, were they having sex or just getting to know each other when she was 16?

 

I read that Celine Dion's husband is way older and she had a major crush on him when she was underage (not sure exactly what age).  Supposedly he waited until she was 18 to have any romantic involvement with her.  As far as I know they are still happily married.

 

They are. 

[Caroline]

I read somewhere that the rule is half your age +7. So 33/2+7=23.5

[Kathryn]

Well, were they having sex or just getting to know each other when she was 16?

 

I read that Celine Dion's husband is way older and she had a major crush on him when she was underage (not sure exactly what age).  Supposedly he waited until she was 18 to have any romantic involvement with her.  As far as I know they are still happily married.

 

So it would be okay if they were just dating as long as they weren't having sex? Every article I've read says that they've been in a "serious relationship" since she was 16 and he 33.

[Joanne]

No way

[SKL]

So it would be okay if they were just dating as long as they weren't having sex? Every article I've read says that they've been in a "serious relationship" since she was 16 and he 33.

 

It really depends.  To me, the issue is not so much age as whether she is being dominated / misguided vs. freely making her own decisions.  I do believe there can be true love at that age, but if you really love someone so young, you will wait until she is old enough to make an adult decision before you go too deep.

 

I think it's wrong to criminalize a 16yo's love for an older person.  Who am I to say it isn't right?  If there were no examples of true love and healthy marriages that began like that, I might feel differently.

[T'smom]

No. Not in the 21st century. Just because a celebrity does it does NOT make it okay. If a 33 year old truly loved a 16 year old they should wait at least until the 16 year old turned 18.

[trulycrabby]

IMO, in many cases, either the 18 year-old girl wants someone to take care of her, and/or the 30 year-old is either emotionally immature and/or has a fixation with youth. And no, I don't think the 33 year-old with a 16 year-old is healthy, in most cases, either.

[T'smom]

Well I lean towards no, however when the "child" turns 18 in 2 years she/he is free to be with the 33 year old. How is this suddenly more appropriate (other than from a legal standpoint)?

Hopefully, they have become more mature by 18 and more capable of making responsible decisions. Less likely to be pressured into something.

[Laurie4b]

Well I lean towards no, however when the "child" turns 18 in 2 years she/he is free to be with the 33 year old.  How is this suddenly more appropriate (other than from a legal standpoint)?

 

2 more years developmentally for the 16 year old.

[extendedforecast]

I wouldn't be okay with it.

[Laurie4b]

I think it's culturally dependent. In some cultures, children have adult responsibilities very early. Additionally, marriage has different meanings in different cultures. In modern western culture, the answer is no.

[SKL]

IMO, in many cases, either the 18 year-old girl wants someone to take care of her, and/or the 30 year-old is either emotionally immature and/or has a fixation with youth. And no, I don't think the 33 year-old with a 16 year-old is healthy, in most cases, either.

 

Sometimes, perhaps usually, but not always.

 

If indeed the 30yo is emotionally immature, then wouldn't it be appropriate for him to pair up with someone much younger?  What about the possibility that the 16yo is unusually mature?

 

[mysticmomma]

What if genders were reversed?

[SKL]

Just wondering after reading the articles about Paul Walker. I had no idea who he was, but apparently he'd been with his girlfriend since she was 16 and he was 33 and the authors of the articles that I was reading didn't seem to think this was at all strange.

 

If they have been together for 7 years and she's now 23 and still happy with the arrangement, there must be something good about it.

 

[mathnerd]

If you are asking about whether it is OK in contemporary America, then it is not OK. They need to wait until she is 18 atleast. But then, 2 years is a long time for 16 year olds and she might or might not change her mind by then, who knows. 

But, my DH's grandmother who is in her 90s now got married in a very similar situation and went on to have 8 kids (well brought up, well accomplished) and tons of grandkids and great grandkids. She was from a different culture where such things were the norm in the early part of the previous century. But, her marriage was broken and she moved in with her older sons when she was in her 30s/40s as soon as all her kids got married and never went back to her husband's home as long as he lived. We always thought that the age difference, even in that generation could have been one of the reasons for her living apart from her husband.

[extendedforecast]

What if genders were reversed?

I still wouldn't be okay with it.

[SKL]

My mom married at 17.  Her husband happened to be 19.  However, I don't see how it's automatically a better decision if two teenagers make a life decision vs. one teen and one person in his early 30s dating.

 

(For the record, my parents celebrated their 50th a couple of years ago, but lots of young couples never see that day.)

[Paige]

Not in our culture and time. I think it could be ok in a different time and culture.

[EKS]

I've been in two relationships with this sort of age difference.  The first was when I was 17 and he was 35.  The second was when I was 21 and he was 37.

 

I would not say that such relationships are typical, but I also wouldn't say that they are always wrong. 

[extendedforecast]

Sometimes, perhaps usually, but not always.

 

If indeed the 30yo is emotionally immature, then wouldn't it be appropriate for him to pair up with someone much younger? What about the possibility that the 16yo is unusually mature?

 

Then she should be mature enough to know it's wise to wait. So should he, for that matter.

[Moxie]

Nope. Even if the genders were reversed. 16yo's are still young and very stupid. Way to young to be in a serious relationship especially with a perv, er, I mean, older man.

[SKL]

I can think of reasons why it could be a mature decision for a 16yo / 17yo to get married.  It was in my mom's case, because that was the only way to legally get out of an abusive / unhealthy home.  Not saying that was the case here.  But I don't think a hard and fast rule is appropriate.

[Lady Florida.]

It actually makes sense from an evolutionary standpoint. But in 21st century western society? No. Not at all appropriate.

[trulycrabby]

Sometimes, perhaps usually, but not always.

 

If indeed the 30yo is emotionally immature, then wouldn't it be appropriate for him to pair up with someone much younger?  What about the possibility that the 16yo is unusually mature?

No, IMO, the emotionaly immature man should grow up a bit and then enter into a relationship with an older girl/woman. In many cases...please note that I did not make a universal statement. When I was 25, I was in a relationship with a 42 year-old who was very financially successful yet emotionally immature, and the power balance was not equal and not fair, so my response is influenced by my painful past experience.

[Heather in Neverland]

Yuck. No. Aren't there laws against that?

[Luanne]

It is never ok.  It is always wrong and illegal.

[KungFuPanda]

Ewwwww.

[NorthwestMom]

I read about the girlfriend's age and I think it's disgusting and evidence of his emotional immaturity. 

[MFG]

AND I was never drawn towards guys that much older than me. The thought of dating someone close in age to my father kinda icked me out. You figure when I was 16, my dad was 35. So no I did not want to date someone who my dad could hang out with.

Interesting. When I was 16, my father was 61. So a 33 yo would not raise any Daddy issues. That would have been the age range of my older siblings. The closest I got to a May-Dec relationship was going on a couple of dates with a 30-31 yo when I was 19.

 

While I can't see a 16-33 relationship at this time and in this culture, saying it is always and invariably wrong strikes me as very modern Western culture centric. That makes me slightly uncomfortable. And some of the comments seem slightly ageist also.

[freeindeed]

No. But 18 and 35 is okay IMO. They both need to be adults.