your thoughts on traveling away from small children

[Heather in Neverland]

No way.

 

They are too young.

It is too far.

Not potty-trained.

We don't go on fun vacations and leave our kids behind. They like fun vacations, too. That's our family policy.

The longest we have both been away from our kids is one night.

[minuway]

I personally wouldn't want to do it.  A weekend away while the kids stay with family, sure, but 10 days? That's rough on a four year old especially. Maybe you could compromise and offer the split trip option, where you fly home early or take the kids with you.

[Mom in High Heels]

We've left Indy with my mom several times.  When he was 5, and we lived in the States, she and my step-dad drove up to get him and took him to their house for 2 weeks.  He had a ball.  In 2009, James Bond had to go to DC for some training (3 weeks).  Indy and I flew from Germany to my mom's, I left a few days later to fly to DC and spent a week with James Bond in his fancy hotel (he always gets lucky, and got bumped up to a suite).  When he wasn't in class, we toured DC.  After the week was over, I flew to Orlando and met my mom, step-dad, my cousin's daughter and Indy in Disney World.  I absolutely trust my mom.  They're coming here for Christmas and JB and I are running away for a few days.  We haven't been alone in ages.  Next summer my mom wants to come get both boys for a week or two.  They will be 3 and 12.  I don't have a problem with it because I know she'll take care of them as well as I do, and will let them get away with FAR more than I ever would, and they'll love it.  When my mom and stepdad sell their house (they've got 2 people interested), they're going to buy a 45' RV (it's nicer than my freaking house!) and plan to travel for several years.  They've already discussed wanting to take the boys on trips to Nat'l parks and other places.  I'll be okay with it and I know the boys will love it.

 

If it were me, I'd go.  That's not to say I wouldn't miss my boys like crazy (I always do when they're away from me), but as much as I love them, James Bond and I need time together that doesn't revolve around them.  

[HeartatHome]

No. To long and too far. My husband is even worse than I am so that would never even come up in my house. We've only been away from our oldest for 2 nights and that was while I was in hospital having a baby and even then she was only 15 minutes away with my sister who I trust.

However, if it is that important to him then maybe you can consider it in a couple of years for half the length of time. In the mean time, perhaps an overnight trip? (That would still be hard for me but if its something that dh really wanted and enjoys I could manage to get through one night)

[katiejane]

Every year my husband wants me to go overseas for ten days (at least) to visit with some of his friends.  I feel that I should stay with my children, and that that's too long to be away from them.  They are four and six years old.  I feel that I would be at peace with going if that's what I should be doing, but I don't.  He, unfortunately, is putting pressure on me again, and summoning support from our friends and family.  I'm starting to feel alone in this desire to be responsible and there for my children.  My four year old is delayed and is not yet potty trained.

 

I went overseas with Dh for 6 days when my youngest was 22 months. It did no lasting harm to the kids and it did wonderful things to our marriage. I say honour what your husband wants and go!

 

[Chris in VA]

Random bits:

 

At first I was thinking, "YES," because I strongly believe Mom and Dad need bonding time just like kids and parents do. I believe a strong marriage does much to enable a strong family, and I want to show my kids that my marriage is a priority they can count on for security. For us, that includes kid-free time.

 

I went to Sweden with my dh for a week when dd (the youngest) was 5, and we had a blast. She stayed with her brothers at Mil's house--she did get sick, but Mil is fabulous, and handled it completely competently, as I trusted her to. It was great for our marriage, a wonderful memory, and totally appropriate for us. We have taken our kids on great vacations, and I don't feel they are entitled to come to everything. 

 

But 10 days does seem long. I probably wouldn't go that long, but I'd definitely start with a one-nighter at a B&B somewhere!

 

Overseas vs domestic doesn't faze me--if death is the fear, one can die anywhere, to be blunt.

 

I don't really see what potty training has to do with anything--if I trusted someone to take care of my child, I'd think them able to change a diaper. 

 

 

[momto10blessings]

I definitely would not go.

[Ottakee]

But I also know he really just wants me to go with him because he enjoys being with me so much.  He thinks it's perfectly reasonable to leave the kids with someone we trust.

Can you compromise and travel for a weekend or 3-4 days instead? I understand not wanting to leave the kids, etc. but that 1:1 uninterrupted time with your husband can do wonders for your relationship.

 

Just tell him that you are sorry that you don't feel comfortable with spending 10 days overseas but you would LOVE a long weekend trip with just him and then let him decide where to go, what to do, etc. Often the husband gets put on the back burner when there are younger kids and he needs time with you as well.

 

Hopefully you can build up from there.

 

My dh and I had 1 overnight when now 18dd was 1 and ds was 8 and then it was not until youngest dd was 10 and the others were 11 and 19 that we had another night away. Our problem was lack of caregivers. My MIL is disabled with a kidney transplant and other health issues. My Mother is disabled and in a power wheelchair. Add do that the 2 girls had intensive medical needs when they were younger and we just couldn't do it. Now that they are older and we have my friend who is very capable, we try to get away 2-3 times a year, often just for 1-2 night but it is very nice.

[KungFuPanda]

Will it matter in ten years? Or would you be leaving them with someone who could do serious psychological damage in ten day's time?

[Joanne]

I would tell him, and the friends, and the family, hell no, and do not mention this to me again.

 

It's also very manipulative of him to be dragging friends and family into this to put pressure on you. I would be addressing that with him as well.

 

If they were older, and it was a shorter time, I might consider it, but only if I really wanted to consider it. But never, never, never as a result of pressure and manipulation. Those tactics would make it an automatic no.

 

 

First. I totally agree with this. Also. "Seeing his friends" is not an attractive trip for me.

 

That said, I used to be stalwartly against mothers leaving kids. I no longer hold that view. Dads leave kids all the time. I believe kids benefit from having a variety of loving, Healthy adults who love them and can step into the role of daily care. And I believe adults and children benefit when parents have a life that includes kids but is not defined by them.

[mytwomonkeys]

I would go, but I'm fine leaving my kids with my parents. If you are uncomfortable, I would never go to simply appease my husband. I think that could create a lot of resentment in your relationship. I agree your husband has no right to gang up on you involving others. That's so stressful for you!! But I can understand him wanting a trip with his lovely wife though :) Maybe you can take a weekend getaway that is local as an alternative sometime; something you can both feel okay with. I'm sorry you are even put in this position of feeling torn. Hugs.

[myfunnybunch]

 He thinks it's perfectly reasonable to leave the kids with someone we trust. 

 

Well, it IS perfectly reasonable. If you're comfortable, if you feel that your children could handle it, if there are people that you trust to care for and cherish and enjoy them while you're gone.

 

It is also perfectly reasonable to NOT leave them. If you're not comfortable, if you feel your children are not ready, if you don't have people with whom you are comfortable leaving your young children for that long.

 

I would be more bothered by the pressure and the involvement of family and friends in what is your decision.

 

Just out of curiosity, where would you be visiting?

 

Cat

[raindrops]

Even if I brought the children with me, which we discussed as an option, I don't think I would enjoy myself because then I would have to manage caring for them in a different country.  I would consider this in a few years, but my four year old is still pretty high maintenance.  I don't want to give too many details about where he's headed because I don't want some of his friends to read this board and identify me.   In the short term, for a different trip, he's wanting me to drive about 10 hours with the kids to stay with friends.  I'm even having difficulty with that because of my four year old's neediness, and the difficulty/ inconvenience of caring for the kids in someone else's home... I feel sad to disappoint my husband for this trip as well, but I really don't see myself enjoying it under these circumstances.

[alef]

I have seen long-term impact from disruption in the lives of young children, and I am not personally willing to put my children through what to they may be a major disruption (both parents gone for ten days would qualify) if it is not absolutely necessary. My daughter went through major emotional upset for over a year after a disruption in her life (a family move). I know a trip is not exactly the same, but to a young child it might feel like their world was upended and the things they depended on for security (mom and dad being there...) could no longer be counted on. I have also watched friends go through military deployment and the impact on young children is severe and does not end when the deployment is over.

 

No, I wouldn't do it until the children are older. I would be OK leaving a 7 or 8 year old with grandparents or other familiar and trusted adults while the parents went overseas, but not a 4 year old.

 

Trust your mother instincts.

[Mergath]

I don't see anything wrong with leaving kids that age to go on a trip, assuming you trust the caregivers.  It's probably not worth the stress if you wouldn't enjoy the trip, but as far as the kids go, I'm sure they'd be fine.  The idea some people have that leaving kids alone for that long is going to permanently traumatize them is a bit much.  :001_rolleyes:  If you don't go, don't let your dh make you feel bad about it, and if you do go, don't let anyone else make you feel bad about it.  :grouphug:

[Mommy22alyns]

I personally couldn't leave them.  I couldn't even leave my girls for 10 days right now!

[Heather in Neverland]

When my middle ds was 6yo I went to visit my family in the states for 3 weeks. My dh stayed here with him. It's been over 3 years and my ds will still bring it up. It upset him greatly. Traumatized might be a strong word but it left a lasting negative impression on him. I still have to travel for work once in a while but it is hard on him every time. Some kids really are sensitive like that. My other two are fine with it but not my middle child.

[Murphy101]

When my middle ds was 6yo I went to visit my family in the states for 3 weeks. My dh stayed here with him. It's been over 3 years and my ds will still bring it up. It upset him greatly. Traumatized might be a strong word but it left a lasting negative impression on him. I still have to travel for work once in a while but it is hard on him every time. Some kids really are sensitive like that. My other two are fine with it but not my middle child.

My dh was regularly left with grandparents who doted on him and helped raise him while his parents went on trips without him. He remembers every trip and still resents it mildly. For him, he never understood how they could be away from him all day and many evenings while he was at school or after school extracurriculars and send him off to camps during school breaks and still need to "get away" for a one or two week vacation. They went to Disney without him, Hawaii without him, Germany without him... And they only had one kid. How hard could it have possibly been to have him around? I guess he could understand if he was a high needs can't please kid, but my dh has always been the most easy going people pleasing of people I've ever met in my life. Even his parents admit the only time he has ever been difficult is when he was adament that we were getting married.

 

He was certainly left with trusted people who he also loved, but he still thought it sucked.

 

So this certainly colors our perspective.

[Splash]

I have left my kids a few times, only twice with dh. All kids were adopted from Korea and we went to pick them up. Usually I was in Korea for 4-5 days plus the two travel days. Dh only went once. Grandparents watched them, for our last adoption I flew my children to Florida to be with family, went to Korea and then my parents flew home with them to meet new baby. It would have been much, much harder if I didn't have my parents who have a very close relationship with kids. I have one ds who struggles but even he chose to stay with my parents (we told him he could come with us if he wanted as we knew it would be hardest on him). My kids were under 9 each trip. However for pleasure we haven't really traveled without our kids for longer than an anniversary weekend.

[Penny_P]

"Oh please!!!!!!  My kids LOVED being spoiled by the grandparents and they have suffered no long term effects!!!  Now, if you do not have trusted caregivers then that is a whole  other issue.  But my children are just fine!!!!  I can see why 10 days might be a bit much for op, but leaving kids for a week will not scar them for life.  This is TOTALLY different than deployment where a caregiver is gone for 6 months and is in harm's way!!!"

 

Agreed.  I left kids with grandparents for 10 days while we went to New Zealand.  They were about the same age at the time.  I'm a little surprised at the extreme responses.  DH and I love to travel, and it's been a rarity for the last 12 years.  It was a great trip and great for our marriage.
 

[marbel]

Everything depends on your kids and the people you'd be leaving them with - how comfortable everyone is together.  In particular, for your delayed child and the caregivers.

 

I would have had a hard time relaxing if my kids were an ocean away from me at that age.  Even in their teens I would prefer not to do it.  But, we don't have anyone that we are super-comfortable leaving them with.   Staying with their remaining set of grandparents would be torture for them. Their few aunts and uncles... ugh. 

 

No one should be pressured to leave their young kids while they travel for an unnecessary trip.  I would suggest to my husband that we wait till the kids are older and all go together. If my husband insisted, I would be wondering why his friends are so important. 

 

But just because I wouldn't do it doesn't mean anything, or just because someone else's kids suffered no ill effects from it doesn't mean anything - to you and to your kids.  Unless you think you are being overprotective, trust your instincts for your family. 

[myfunnybunch]

Oh please!!!!!!  My kids LOVED being spoiled by the grandparents and they have suffered no long term effects!!!  Now, if you do not have trusted caregivers then that is a whole  other issue.  But my children are just fine!!!!  I can see why 10 days might be a bit much for op, but leaving kids for a week will not scar them for life.  This is TOTALLY different than deployment where a caregiver is gone for 6 months and is in harm's way!!!

 

 

Let's be fair....I'm not sure hesitation to leave young children merits an "Oh please!!!!!!"

 

It's great that it worked for you. There's nothing wrong (imo) with the choice to leave young children long enough to go on a trip.

 

But I don't think it's fair to scoff at others who would be hesitant to do so. Different families, different child needs, different circumstances make the decision very different for each family.

 

Cat

[Ellie]

Every year my husband wants me to go overseas for ten days (at least) to visit with some of his friends.  I feel that I should stay with my children, and that that's too long to be away from them.  They are four and six years old.  I feel that I would be at peace with going if that's what I should be doing, but I don't.  He, unfortunately, is putting pressure on me again, and summoning support from our friends and family.  I'm starting to feel alone in this desire to be responsible and there for my children.  My four year old is delayed and is not yet potty trained.

 

Mr. Ellie and I went to Hawaii for a week when our dc were that age. Ten days or more would have been way too long for us.

 

ITA that it's kind of underhanded to bring in reinforces to convince you to go. If he wants to go to Europe that badly, then let him go by himself.

[Mama Geek]

I wasn't scoffing at the hesitancy to leave the children.  I was saying oh please to the comment that if you left your little children, then they would be scarred for life.  Mine were not.  That poster that I quoted ( not the op) seemed to infer that anyone who left a little one would have children with deep scars.

People can do damage in a short amount of time even grandparents.  My parents divorced and mom had custody of us and dad had visitation rights.  My relationship with my dad was pretty bad for a lot of years.  I spent a few weeks in the summer with my dad's mom (whom I love very deeply and has been passed away for many years now).  We got into a fight about my relationship or lack thereof with my dad.  We got passed it although there was never an apology.  I was probably 13 or 14 at that time.  It hurt then and it still hurts now.  It has affect who I trust.  I don't leave my 3 yo with anyone for any amount of time at all, not even grandparents.  

 

I realize that I was older than the OP's kids, but things can do damage.

[Melissa in Australia]

Let's be fair....I'm not sure hesitation to leave young children merits an "Oh please!!!!!!"

 

It's great that it worked for you. There's nothing wrong (imo) with the choice to leave young children long enough to go on a trip.

 

But I don't think it's fair to scoff at others who would be hesitant to do so. Different families, different child needs, different circumstances make the decision very different for each family.

 

Cat

:iagree:

[Melissa in Australia]

I wouldn't leave my young children for that length of time.

[Catwoman]

Oh please!!!!!!  My kids LOVED being spoiled by the grandparents and they have suffered no long term effects!!!  Now, if you do not have trusted caregivers then that is a whole  other issue.  But my children are just fine!!!!  I can see why 10 days might be a bit much for op, but leaving kids for a week will not scar them for life.  This is TOTALLY different than deployment where a caregiver is gone for 6 months and is in harm's way!!!

 

 

Wow.

 

Condescending much? :glare:

 

Just because your kids were perfectly happy when you were gone, does not mean that the OP's children will feel the same way.

 

Additionally, you have posted more than once about how you can't wait for your kids to grow up so you can have an "empty nest," so I don't think you and the OP are even remotely on the same wavelength here. She doesn't want to leave her children, would miss them terribly, and wouldn't have fun on the trip without the kids. Clearly, you didn't feel the same way, and while that was fine for you, I don't think you should be scolding the OP for feeling differently.

 

I absolutely understand the way the OP is feeling about this, and I can also tell you with absolute certainty that my ds would not have been "just fine" if my dh and I had gone on vacation without him.

 

Personally, I trust the OP's intuition about the situation and think she should tell her dh that the trip is out of the question. I also think she should tell her friends and family to MYOB.

[mom2samlibby]

If you have someone to leave them with that you trust, I would go.  We left our kids when they were 3 & 7 to go on a cruise that I had won (and again the following two years - again for trips I won).  It was good for all of us.  DH & I got to have some fun, adult, alone time and the kids got to spend time with grandparents.  They did fine, because they were with someone they knew and loved.  Being apart was good for us all, as I had missed them and was a better parent after having a break.

 

If 10 days is too long, could you do 7 or 8?  

 

 

[mom2samlibby]

 

 

 She doesn't want to leave her children, would miss them terribly, and wouldn't have fun on the trip without the kids. 

 

Sometimes you don't know that it's ok to leave them until you do.  I'm not really sure how to explain that, but I know the first time I left mine for an extended trip, it was very hard for me too.  They were 3 & 7 and we were going on a cruise that I had won with my company.  I was very excited about going on a trip with my DH for the first time since having children, however it was very hard to leave them too.  I was going out of the country where I couldn't get back to then immediately.   

 

Once we were on our way for the trip, though, I was able to relax and enjoy myself knowing that they were in grandma's hands and would be fine.  They had all sorts of stories to tell me when I got back about the things that they had done and made while we were gone.  

 

If your husband is asking for a trip, he is probably wanting some alone, adult time with you.  

[Catwoman]

If your husband is asking for a trip, he is probably wanting some alone, adult time with you.

Or maybe he just wants to go visit his friends, and figures he'll never get away with going alone. ;)

[marbel]

<snip>

 

If your husband is asking for a trip, he is probably wanting some alone, adult time with you.  

 

That may be true, but a person doesn't necessarily have to leave the country for 10 days to do it.   Maybe they could start out with a trip for 2 days, 2 hours away, to see how the kids and mom do while apart. 

[mom2samlibby]

Or maybe he just wants to go visit his friends, and figures he'll never get away with going alone. ;)

 

Well, that could be the case too.  I guess I wrongly assumed that hubby had gone every year over seas and wanted her to go along this year, as he has asked in the past.  

 

I might have looked at the differently, as my BIL is from the former Yugoslavia and has friends and family over there still.  I was thinking that the OPs hubby had gone to visit before.  

But, I guess I don't see what is wrong with wanting to go visit his friends.  It must be important to him if he has asked every year.  He's respected OPs opinion in the past that they are too young to leave.  When do they become old enough that she can leave him?  How important is the trip to him?  Do they go away at all - ever?  Time alone with a spouse is important too.  

[mom2samlibby]

That may be true, but a person doesn't necessarily have to leave the country for 10 days to do it.   Maybe they could start out with a trip for 2 days, 2 hours away, to see how the kids and mom do while apart. 

 

No, they don't.  But, it seems like this is an important trip to the OPs husband.  When do his wishes take priority? It sounds like he has asked every year.

 

 And I do understand not wanting to leave children.  I am with mine all the time.  But, there needs to be a balance.  Dh's request vs. mom not wanting to leave the children.

[marbel]

No, they don't.  But, it seems like this is an important trip to the OPs husband.  When do his wishes take priority? It sounds like he has asked every year.

 

 And I do understand not wanting to leave children.  I am with mine all the time.  But, there needs to be a balance.  Dh's request vs. mom not wanting to leave the children.

 

I agree that there has to be a balance.  That why it seems like a shorter trip, closer to home, the first time might be a good compromise, rather than starting with a long trip very far away.   

 

I have no idea, of course, what the OP's husband's real desires are. But if his goal is some adult time with his wife, he may want to consider finding a compromise rather than continually asking her to do something she obviously feels uncomfortable doing.  

 

My husband's and my first trip away from our kids was when they were 6 and 7 and they went to a 4-day sleep-away camp. We stayed in a B&B about an hour away from the camp.  We had no contact with them but were close enough that if something happened we could be with them quickly.  That made it easier for me to relax and we had a wonderful time.  If my husband had demanded a trip overseas at that point, I wouldn't have gone anywhere.

 

YMMV, of course!

[Murphy101]

I wasn't scoffing at the hesitancy to leave the children.  I was saying oh please to the comment that if you left your little children, then they would be scarred for life.  Mine were not.  That poster that I quoted ( not the op) seemed to infer that anyone who left a little one would have children with deep scars.

I didn't see anyone inferring anything, but your scoffing sure wasn't helpful.

 

OP-

 

My dh knows trying to get people to gang up on me would backfire big time. I'd be livid and say no on the principle of refusing to be manipulated.

 

Maybe it would help to state up front when you will be ready. For example, do you think you could take some mini date over nighters over the next year and go after your youngest turns 5 IF the over nighters are consistently going okay with the person you plan to leave them with for your trip next year?

[Heather in Neverland]

My dh was regularly left with grandparents who doted on him and helped raise him while his parents went on trips without him. He remembers every trip and still resents it mildly. For him, he never understood how they could be away from him all day and many evenings while he was at school or after school extracurriculars and send him off to camps during school breaks and still need to "get away" for a one or two week vacation. They went to Disney without him, Hawaii without him, Germany without him... And they only had one kid. How hard could it have possibly been to have him around? I guess he could understand if he was a high needs can't please kid, but my dh has always been the most easy going people pleasing of people I've ever met in my life. Even his parents admit the only time he has ever been difficult is when he was adament that we were getting married.

 

He was certainly left with trusted people who he also loved, but he still thought it sucked.

 

So this certainly colors our perspective.

They went to DISNEY without him? That's just wrong. Poor kid.

 

My dh and I decided a long time ago that we could never go on a bunch of cool vacations and leave our kids at home in crappy Michigan weather with their grandma. I'm off on a beach in Jamaica living it up with the hubby while my kids are in -10 degrees and stuck watching reruns of The Golden Girls with my mom? Yeah, sure....that won't cause any hard feelings.

 

Both dh and I grew up in families where vacations were family vacations. A romantic weekend away for just the man and wife? Sure. But 10 days on a cruise (or wherever)? Not happening. If my parents had done that to me I would be resentful, too.

 

It's a stages of life thing. Your kids won't be kids forever. They will grow up and then you and dh can take all the childless trips you want. But right now the priority is the kids and I think a grown man should understand that.

[zoobie]

They went to DISNEY without him? That's just wrong. Poor kid.

 

My dh and I decided a long time ago that we could never go on a bunch of cool vacations and leave our kids at home in crappy Michigan weather with their grandma. I'm off on a beach in Jamaica living it up with the hubby while my kids are in -10 degrees and stuck watching reruns of The Golden Girls with my mom? Yeah, sure....that won't cause any hard feelings.

 

Both dh and I grew up in families where vacations were family vacations. A romantic weekend away for just the man and wife? Sure. But 10 days on a cruise (or wherever)? Not happening. If my parents had done that to me I would be resentful, too.

 

It's a stages of life thing. Your kids won't be kids forever. They will grow up and then you and dh can take all the childless trips you want. But right now the priority is the kids and I think a grown man should understand that.

I want to go to Disney without kids. We almost had a long parent-only weekend during the Food & Wine Festival, but DH had to go to a conference instead. We usually go about once a year with the kids. One of my best friends and I keep talking about training for a half marathon and going without kids for the Princess Marathon weekend. If I or we are ever able to go alone, I don't think it will cause life long resentment. It better not! :) I have spent pretty much 24x7 of their lives focusing on them. The poster's DH sounds like his parents had a pattern of behavior that made him feel unwanted and insecure, which is terribly sad.

[KungFuPanda]

FWIW, I wouldn't have left my kids that long at that age, but I kind of wish I had grabbed the few getaway opportunities that came my way. I couldn't have relaxed, but if I had a do-over I think I'd go for it. Maybe not ten days abroad, but I'd consider 6.

 

Tell DH if he does the 10 hour trip with the kids solo, you'll consider the overseas thing :-D

[Chris in VA]

They went to DISNEY without him? That's just wrong. Poor kid.

 

My dh and I decided a long time ago that we could never go on a bunch of cool vacations and leave our kids at home in crappy Michigan weather with their grandma. I'm off on a beach in Jamaica living it up with the hubby while my kids are in -10 degrees and stuck watching reruns of The Golden Girls with my mom? Yeah, sure....that won't cause any hard feelings.

 

Both dh and I grew up in families where vacations were family vacations. A romantic weekend away for just the man and wife? Sure. But 10 days on a cruise (or wherever)? Not happening. If my parents had done that to me I would be resentful, too.

 

It's a stages of life thing. Your kids won't be kids forever. They will grow up and then you and dh can take all the childless trips you want. But right now the priority is the kids and I think a grown man should understand that.

 

I understand this, and sort of agree--

 

But I also see that we are modeling marriage and the importance of THAT relationship to our kids NOW. I would not think myself a good example if I did not show my children how to take care of my marriage--for US, that means occasional non-kid centered evenings, overnights and yes, vacations. That may not be true for everyone, and I DO respect that. 

 

I'm a SAHM, for the most part. I work very little, I homeschooled for 5 years, I am home to get dd from the bus, etc. etc. My kids know they are a priority in my life and in my husband's life. They also know a marriage takes nurturing, and that they are not the center of the family. This is a different model than many people have. 

 

I agree it is a stages of life thing, but the problem I see a LOT is that focus is continually turned to the kids, and it is out of balance, AND THEN THE KIDS GROW UP AND LEAVE. And there's Mom and Dad, who have spent the majority of the time being MOM and DAD and now they have to be HUSBAND AND WIFE.  I don't want to look at my husband over scrambled eggs and toast some future morning and be saying, "Who the heck are YOU?"

 

So if it's not going to be overnights, or long trips, it should be SOMETHING--date nights, afternoons, SOMETHING. 

 

I still say the OP shouldn't go if she's not ready. BUT...the question is a good chance to look at one's marriage and see how it is being nurtured. That's all I'm saying. 

 

(FWIW, we have gone to Disney w/o kids.)

[marbel]

They went to DISNEY without him? That's just wrong. Poor kid.

 

My dh and I decided a long time ago that we could never go on a bunch of cool vacations and leave our kids at home in crappy Michigan weather with their grandma. I'm off on a beach in Jamaica living it up with the hubby while my kids are in -10 degrees and stuck watching reruns of The Golden Girls with my mom? Yeah, sure....that won't cause any hard feelings.

 

Both dh and I grew up in families where vacations were family vacations. A romantic weekend away for just the man and wife? Sure. But 10 days on a cruise (or wherever)? Not happening. If my parents had done that to me I would be resentful, too.

 

It's a stages of life thing. Your kids won't be kids forever. They will grow up and then you and dh can take all the childless trips you want. But right now the priority is the kids and I think a grown man should understand that.

 

This is how I feel.  The big trips are for family.  Getaways, date nights and such for parents are great.  Even Disney would be fine if a trip to Disney wouldn't be a major trip for us.  (My kids have never been; it's just too far and too expensive for us right now.  My sister, on the other hand, once lived about an hour from Disney and she and I went a few times without kids.  It was a lot of fun.  But her kids weren't left out because they'd been many times.)   

 

It's back to finding a balance.  I have been criticized for being too child-centered in my thinking.  There was a time in our family life that my husband had so little time for me and our kids that any spare moment was needed for them.  And yet women were telling me to demand my date nights and that the kids would get over it.   But wait! I am the adult and can understand seasons of life; little kids can't.   If my husband and I can't connect without a trip away then we aren't very creative.

 

[Heather in Neverland]

I understand this, and sort of agree--

 

But I also see that we are modeling marriage and the importance of THAT relationship to our kids NOW. I would not think myself a good example if I did not show my children how to take care of my marriage--for US, that means occasional non-kid centered evenings, overnights and yes, vacations. That may not be true for everyone, and I DO respect that.

 

I'm a SAHM, for the most part. I work very little, I homeschooled for 5 years, I am home to get dd from the bus, etc. etc. My kids know they are a priority in my life and in my husband's life. They also know a marriage takes nurturing, and that they are not the center of the family. This is a different model than many people have.

 

I agree it is a stages of life thing, but the problem I see a LOT is that focus is continually turned to the kids, and it is out of balance, AND THEN THE KIDS GROW UP AND LEAVE. And there's Mom and Dad, who have spent the majority of the time being MOM and DAD and now they have to be HUSBAND AND WIFE. I don't want to look at my husband over scrambled eggs and toast some future morning and be saying, "Who the heck are YOU?"

 

So if it's not going to be overnights, or long trips, it should be SOMETHING--date nights, afternoons, SOMETHING.

 

I still say the OP shouldn't go if she's not ready. BUT...the question is a good chance to look at one's marriage and see how it is being nurtured. That's all I'm saying.

 

(FWIW, we have gone to Disney w/o kids.)

I do understand what you are saying but I agree with a PP that I find ways to nurture my marriage without going on a really fun vacation and leaving my kids behind. Dh and I have lunch together at least 3 times a week, we email or instant message other during the day, we connect at night after the kids go to bed, etc. I don't need to get away from my kids for 10 days in order to connect with my dh.

 

Our kids are OUR priority right now (not just mine) and we actually connect through raising our children as well. I don't buy into this idea that the only way for a couple to stay connected is by getting away from their kids.

[Plink]

We travel a lot, both with and without kids. I understand that it isn't for everyone, but don't see any harm in either staying home or leaving kids with grandma. Personal choice is a wonderful thing.

 

Is there any specific reason that you can't bring the kids with you? If cost is a factor, maybe suggest to your DH that you take one family trip overseas every two years rather than a couples trip every year.

[Joanne]

 

Just FYI, choosing to enjoy a vacation without kids does not exclude "kids and family being a priority".

 

You can absolutely have a lifestyle that embraces the season of life that honors young children AND also execute plans that are adult only.

 

OTOH, choosing not to does not = child centered.

 

I have seen extremes on both ends of the continuum.

[Mom in High Heels]

I want to go to Disney without kids. We almost had a long parent-only weekend during the Food & Wine Festival, but DH had to go to a conference instead. We usually go about once a year with the kids. One of my best friends and I keep talking about training for a half marathon and going without kids for the Princess Marathon weekend. If I or we are ever able to go alone, I don't think it will cause life long resentment. It better not! :) I have spent pretty much 24x7 of their lives focusing on them. The poster's DH sounds like his parents had a pattern of behavior that made him feel unwanted and insecure, which is terribly sad.

 

We went to Disney last year without Han Solo, though to be fair, he was only a year old, so it's not like he knew.  He stayed with my mom and stepdad and they enjoyed every minute.  

 

We're thinking about going to WDW in 2015 without the kids.  It will be our 20th anniversary, and that's where we went on our honeymoon.  The boys will be 13 and almost 5.  I think they'll survive.  We'll take them another time, but our anniversary will be just for us.

[Ellie]

I want to go to Disney without kids. We almost had a long parent-only weekend during the Food & Wine Festival, but DH had to go to a conference instead. We usually go about once a year with the kids. One of my best friends and I keep talking about training for a half marathon and going without kids for the Princess Marathon weekend. If I or we are ever able to go alone, I don't think it will cause life long resentment. It better not! :) I have spent pretty much 24x7 of their lives focusing on them. The poster's DH sounds like his parents had a pattern of behavior that made him feel unwanted and insecure, which is terribly sad.

 

I've been to Disneyland many times without the dc. However, we used to live in San Diego, where a trip to Anaheim was only a short drive up the road and it was an inexpensive day trip. By the time dds were 9 and 12 and we moved to San Jose, both had been to Disneyland multiple times. We went several times after moving to San Jose, also. If we had lived in, say, Vermont, we would not have considered going to Disney World without the dc.

 

[raindrops]

Thanks everyone, for your thoughts.  I do wish I had solid, reliable, grandparents with whom I could leave the kids.  My parents are loving when they see the kids, but have been largely uninvolved (never offered to babysit except once) since their births.  His parents have made every effort to be involved, but are just too elderly for me to entrust my children in their care.  My husband & I do need more time together, and we would definitely do this (have a weekend away) if we had family nearby that we could rely upon.

 

  I also believe this is a stage of life thing--that in a couple years, we could more easily take the kids with us.   Whether it's a 10 hour trip across the country or far away overseas, the kids are too needy at this age for me to want to agree to leaving them or taking them.  I can handle a 5 hour trip to the grandparents house though.  It's a familiar place, and I know where to find what I need for the kids. 

 

I guess I need to trust my intuition, and just be patient until they're a little older & more independent.  Now if only my emotions & my desire to please would calmly catch up to my good sense.

[bolt.]

As for whether "people should" leave children that age for that length of time -- it's personal. Parents vary, and kids vary, and philiosihes vary. It's not a question with a right or wrong answer. People feel different ways, so your own feelings matter.

 

As for you DH and his pressure tactics: that's a problem. Parents do these things when *both* of them are comfortable. It's a decision that requires two "yes votes" -- if you aren't on-side, it doesn't matter that the other parent thinks its fine. He has his own thoughts, but your vote needs to be respected, NOT pressured.

[trulycrabby]

You can certainly leave children with trusted loved ones for a vacation, but if you will be sad while you are gone, then don't go.

 

My mom used to leave me with my grandparents when she went on occasional trips, and we all benefitted from the arrangement: I forged very close bonds with my grandparents which lasted until they died, and mom got a well-needed break.

[SailorMom]

Just FYI, choosing to enjoy a vacation without kids does not exclude "kids and family being a priority".

 

You can absolutely have a lifestyle that embraces the season of life that honors young children AND also execute plans that are adult only.

 

OTOH, choosing not to does not = child centered.

 

I have seen extremes on both ends of the continuum.

 

:hurray: :hurray: :hurray:

 

I also feel that happy parents with a strong relationship with each other = strong family.  I am not implying that this is the only way, or that anyone here who doesn't leave their kids doesn't have a string family.  However, I have met, and know well, a good many couples who've marriages have disintegrated after the kids got older (usually in high school or after graduation) and their "child centered" lives had left no room for them to be a couple anymore.  They forgot how to "be" just the two of them.

DH and I NEED our time away to just be together.  We take trips without our kids, and our kids understand that we need our time alone. 

We started leaving them as soon as I was no longer nursing - for one night at a time to start with.  We built up to longer trips, and they have never had a problem with it.  We also spend a lot of family time together and take family centered vacations.