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your thoughts on traveling away from small children


raindrops
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Every year my husband wants me to go overseas for ten days (at least) to visit with some of his friends.  I feel that I should stay with my children, and that that's too long to be away from them.  They are four and six years old.  I feel that I would be at peace with going if that's what I should be doing, but I don't.  He, unfortunately, is putting pressure on me again, and summoning support from our friends and family.  I'm starting to feel alone in this desire to be responsible and there for my children.  My four year old is delayed and is not yet potty trained.

 

 

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I think, if they are staying with close friends or family that you trust, that 10 days is fine. 

My kids really enjoyed themselves with other family members when they were that age, and we would call to check in on them every day.  Never, ever had a any problems. 

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I'm not in favor. IMO, there will be plenty of years in your life when you can leave children who are not so young. My opinion has not seemed overly popular amongst my friends, though. More people I know have done this than not. 

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When my older son was 4 we went on a couples trip for 6 days.  That was my limit, and we weren't that far away (on the same coast, 3 hour flight).  And our son was with his grandparents who were very involved in his life.  Then we had another son, who is about to turn 5 and we have not be away for more than a night or two since then.  We better take that trip before we try to have another.  

 

 

 

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No, I wouldn't do it.  Lots of people do.  I did take a 3-4 day trip that was a 3 hour flight from home when my oldest two children were 11 and 9.  Now we have a toddler so back to just overnights at the grandparents.  For us though, there was also the realization that there are no people in either of our families that we are comfortable raising our children should something happen to us. 

We just take our kids with us and it see!ms we have ended up cultivating friends who feel the same way so it's never been an issue.  I guess though that with 5 us now it also is very expensive to travel to Europe or Australia.  Which is why my in-laws have never meet our youngest.  Although...they are always welcome here!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I have left my children with family at that age for a quick weekend getaway with my husband. Things I considered were - how far away were we in an emergency, how hard would it be to get home if I needed to, how close were the children to who would be watching them, how long the trip was and how important was the trip to myself and my husband. From your description it sounds like the negatives outweigh the positives in your mind and I think, for what it's worth, that you should follow your instincts.

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I'm considering it in a couple of years.  My youngest will be four, my oldest will be twelve, and they would stay with a trusted aunt with the help of grandma and grandpa.  I don't think I could go on the trip if my youngest was much younger.  We'll have to see once the time comes whether or not I'll go through with it.

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Every year my husband wants me to go overseas for ten days (at least) to visit with some of his friends.  I feel that I should stay with my children, and that that's too long to be away from them.  They are four and six years old.  I feel that I would be at peace with going if that's what I should be doing, but I don't.  He, unfortunately, is putting pressure on me again, and summoning support from our friends and family.  I'm starting to feel alone in this desire to be responsible and there for my children.  My four year old is delayed and is not yet potty trained.

 

 

I would tell him, and the friends, and the family, hell no, and do not mention this to me again.

 

It's also very manipulative of him to be dragging friends and family into this to put pressure on you.  I would be addressing that with him as well.

 

If they were older, and it was a shorter time, I might consider it, but only if I really wanted to consider it.  But never, never, never as a result of pressure and manipulation.  Those tactics would make it an automatic no. 

 

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It would depend on if I had family member I trusted to watch them. We left ds for 10 days with family at about age 4. We went across country, not internationally. 

 

It was a special time, he had a blast. 

 

Yes, they're only little once, but as they get older the responsibilities increase with activities and such. It's easier to get away when they're little. I also believe it's important to cultivate adult moments with your spouse. 

 

I wouldn't like dh pressuring me and I'd ignore the others who tried. I would press him as to why it's so important. Perhaps he's feeling neglected, perhaps he wants to have time with you. I love to travel though. 

 

Can you offer a compromise?  A nice weekend away once he returns? 

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NO WAY!!!! If we took a vacation it was as a family or t didn't happen. Even though my kids have separate parents now vacations are still around them. My ex would never have dreamed to leave his kids for that long, not in a million years. I could not imagine him taking time off to go somewhere without his kids. I never would and I wouldn't allow anyone to pressure me either.

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I feel the same. Dh has taken several overseas trips and brought 1 child with him, but I happily stay with the rest. I have taken 1 week trips away from them, but we stay in the states. I'm just not comfortable going overseas, especially with how quickly things can change for my sn kid.

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If you wanted to go, and you were asking if you should feel guilty, I'd say no! Trusted caregivers? Go! But you don't feel comfortable with leaving. 10 days is a long time, and overseas adds another twist. Baby steps with an overnight or a weekend trip. I've gone on vacation with just my DH (when my mom wasn't being a flake, sigh) and it was great. I slept! Like a rock! No one to worry about feeding or wiping or... I wasn't guilted into it, and we take plenty of family vacations. My BIL and SIL said snotty things about how they're superior for never having left their kid. Great. That works for them. They also have had him in daycare since he was 6 weeks old, and I saw that as sort of hypocritical to be honest. Anyway, if you want to go, and your kids would be safe and cared for, go. If you don't feel comfortable going, then don't. I would listen to your husband as to why this is so important for him. If he's feeling a disconnect, then I would work on a mutually acceptable remedy. His using others to manipulate your feelings isn't cool. This is a parental, marital decision.

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Could you fly out together, and you fly back solo at the halfway mark?

Can you explain more to us why it's important for your dh to have you with him?

I guess I think it's important to do BOTH!  :)

 

What a nice compromise!

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I wouldn't leave my children at that age. In fact, in 13 years we've only ever been away from the kids for two nights at a time.

 

I did once go on a holiday with a woman who had been pressured to leave her children at home. It was clearly horrible for her, and being around her wasn't much fun for us, either. I think if you do go, it needs to be because you want to and feel entirely comfortable with the idea

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I'm not in favor. IMO, there will be plenty of years in your life when you can leave children who are not so young. My opinion has not seemed overly popular amongst my friends, though. More people I know have done this than not. 

 

Same here. If you'd said 6 and 8, I would probably think it was ok, if you were comfortable. I can't imagine doing it myself though. If I'm traveling that long I take my kids. 

 

The first time I left my son for any length of time he was 9 I think...for 10 days for my honeymoon when I married my (2nd) DH. 

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My husband wouldn't even suggest leaving behind any kid that wasn't potty trained for even a weekend. Neither would I.

 

Yeah, in my head, potty trained is about the time I MIGHT consider an overnight trip, depending on the kid. But really, for me it is when they wean, and mine have so far nursed past 3 years...DD will be 4 in a few months and still nurses for about 30 seconds at night. I could probably let her stay alone at Grandmas, but won't for another year I imagine. Grandma offered to watch her and the baby for our anniversary, overnight, but I said no. He was way too little. But my sister left her kids overnight at a few months old, so everyone is different. 

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Is there room to negotiate? I agree that is a long time for someone that young. 

 

That said, I went away with dh, from the Midwest to the coast, for 3 days when I had children 2-7. Dh and I flew out together and then I came back and he attended a conference the rest of the week. While it was hard at the time I'm particularly glad we did it because my youngest came down with a severe medical problem the next year and that may be the last couple's getaway we have for a very, very long time. It's a sweet memory to me. 

 

I say live and enjoy your partner, but live in a way that you can live at peace. If you can't live in peace then something needs to change. 

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I would not go. And I'd be furious with dh for bringing other people in to pressure me. Our kids are. 3, 5, and 8, and we've only left them for one night. My in laws took my older two girls to the beach for the weekend. (Friday afternoon to Sunday afternoon) and when they got back they told me my 5 year old cried for us the second night. They knew if they said anything while they were there we'd go pick her up, so they waited. Not cool. Anyway, I think it would devestate my kids if we were gone so long.

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Are they his kids too?  That would make a difference to my decision to leave them for a week with grandma.

 

ETA:  It would also depend on the temperament of the child(ren).  My dd couldn't have stood for me to be away for 10 days at that age.  If she would have been okay with it, I would have considered going if I had the opportunity. 

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Nope. No way would I leave my neurotypical or mildly gifted (not sure which yet) five year old for ten days, much less a child in diapers. Not fun for mom and not acceptable for other people to pressure her or make her feel guilty about having to say, "Thanks, but no thanks."

 

If he's not the biodad, it might be a red flag or reason enough in itself to reconsider the relationship.

 

 

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10 days does seem like a lot to me but 4 years ago Dh and I went to Greece without the kids.  So, they were 2 and 4 years old.  DD stayed with my mother, and DS stayed with MIL.   My oldest spent the time at her dad's house.  Dh was going for work so the hotel and his plane fare was paid for.  It was basically a once-in-a-lifetime chance for us, so when the opportunity was there, we took advantage of it.  I think we were gone for 6 days total.  We called and Skyped with both of them every day.

 

We also went to Mardi Gras last year.  Same deal with the little guys but my oldest came with us since it happened to fall on her school's mid-winter break.  We were gone for 5 days I think.  We stayed with a friend of Dh's who lives in Mississippi and dh had enough airline miles that it was free.

 

Even before we went to Greece, Ds spent a week at a time with MIL a couple times a year.  DD still never has ( :glare: that's for a different thread though).  Neither of them has a problem being away from us overnight, although it has always been with my mother or MIL.

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If you have never left the children overnight, I would suggest to your dh that you start slow - a weekend trip close by so that you (and whoever would care for your kids) could see how things worked out.  Then you might be able to consider a longer trip.  Personally, I would want to know what is motivating your dh - is it this particular trip overseas or is it time away from the children with you in general.

 

My dh and I took one long trip like that when our dc were 2 and 6.  It was a two week trip and I was overseas from my children.  I did miss them, but the trip was a marriage-saver for us and so in the end, it was a good thing.

 

Anne

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Yeah, in my head, potty trained is about the time I MIGHT consider an overnight trip, depending on the kid. But really, for me it is when they wean, and mine have so far nursed past 3 years...DD will be 4 in a few months and still nurses for about 30 seconds at night. I could probably let her stay alone at Grandmas, but won't for another year I imagine. Grandma offered to watch her and the baby for our anniversary, overnight, but I said no. He was way too little. But my sister left her kids overnight at a few months old, so everyone is different.

 

I'm not saying anyone has to be like us. Just saying it wouldn't have been a discussion here.

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I wouldn't leave them for that amount of time.....BUT if you have grandparents or aunts/uncles you could leave them with, I'd try to compromise for a weekend away. I've never left mine for more than 3 nights, but sometimes they spend the night at grandma's just for fun. (Not because we are doing something special) I do trust them implicitly and I think it is important for them to build relationships without us there. When I was little we spent a week at grandmas and a week at my aunts every summer and I LOVED it! We had special things that we always did and I have great memories of those times.

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I've told him before not to bring this subject up in front of friends & family.  It is irritating more than anything.  I do resent being manipulated (He doesn't usually do this, by the way). No one can understand why I just don't go, and people pipe up and volunteer to watch the kids.  But I also know he really just wants me to go with him because he enjoys being with me so much.  He thinks it's perfectly reasonable to leave the kids with someone we trust.  I will have to remind him not to bring this up again...  He's a great, loving dad & wonderful husband by the way...  He LOVES to travel & I am admittedly a bit of a homebody...but it's more about leaving the kids than anything else.  And I'm not comfortable with that.  Thanks for your support.

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 I never did it at that age (probably one night was all).  However, in hindsight, I really think they would have been just fine -- but only with my family who I really, really trusted:  my parents, my sister, and my husband's sisters.  The first time I left all my kids for a longer stretch (4 days) was when they ranged in age from about 7-12, and it was really hard for me! 

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My personal feeling is that emotionally healthy kids with good attachments will be fine when left with loving care givers at the ages of your children for the time you propose.

The deciding factor is how YOU feel about the separation.

If it's a trip you're excited to take you should go for it without guilt. But, if you're apprehensive, you won't have a good time; so, stand your ground.

(Just remember not to make it a contest between your kids and your husband.)

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If you can't take the kids with you, I wouldn't go. My boys are 5 and 3 (nearly 6 and 4) and a vacation without the kids isn't even on our radar. We have been away from the boys overnight for a funeral and another family emergency, but I couldn't last a full 10 days. 

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I wouldn't, not at this age. I'm sorry your family is pressuring you. 

 

If they feel okay pressuring you to do something that is against your instincts, then maybe you can mention how fun it would be for ALL of you to go. Sort of a reverse pressure.

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More than anything, it sounds like your dh is saying he needs time with you. That is a reasonable request. However, 10 days seems like more than you can give. Find a way to give him some "real" alone time, without the kids. Perhaps starting with a weekend.

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I've left my kids alone multiple times for periods of 4-10 days.  They stayed with people I trust, my mother, my father, or my grandmother.  It wasn't hard, the kids are well adjusted and attached, and I had a good time.

 

If going is something you would want to do if it weren't for your concerns about the children, I would try a night away and then maybe a weekend and work up to a longer trip.  That's what we did and my kids had a blast everytime.  They hung out with grandma and had sleepovers and did a lot of exciting things like go to the zoo, splashpad, and amusement park. It was a vacation for them as much as it was for us.  I'm happy I did this because my father passed away and my grandmother isn't long for this earth.  My oldest STILL talks about the awesome time she had.

  

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