swellmomma Posted October 16, 2013 Share Posted October 16, 2013 My husband and I separated 12.5 years ago. He had previously refused to divorce me fighting it until I ran out of money for a lawyer. It was his power thing, he liked to feel he had it. About 6 years ago he and his gf moved in together and he finally started paying child support and 2.5 years ago he finally started seeing the kids. For a while he tried to convince the kids to move in with him but that didn't work. They have moved on and have applied to adopt from foster care. After talking on here about that some of you ladies brought up the concern about legal ties I may have to this child since he is my legal husband. Apparently child services talked it over with their lawyer, and ex and gf with their own and everyone felt we had been separated so long that it was not a concern, and things were stable as is. However I told him I was not comfortable with that, that I either needed the divorce to be done, or something legally binding explaining that this is their child and not mine etc. He agreed to the divorce. In the next few weeks myself, ex and his gf are heading out for dinner together and will fill out all paperwork and hammer out details right then. It's been 12.5 years so there is very little to actually discuss other than upcoming medical costs for dd14s braces, and how much support he will give to them for college if they go when the child support ends when they turn 18. He will drop it off at the court house to file it with the $500 fee and that will be that. Civil and done, no more of him trying to take my kids and filling their heads with crap about me (he was known for bad mouthing me at his place), he is actually cutting back on visits with them as he and gf get ready for homestudies etc for this adoption. So happy to finally be able to move on and have this chapter of my life done. I am quite happy right now that there is an end in sight :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted October 16, 2013 Share Posted October 16, 2013 I am so happy for you! What a load off to end that chapter of your life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 16, 2013 Share Posted October 16, 2013 It feels a little weird to say so, but congratulations on your divorce. :laugh: Seriously, though, I'm sure it is a relief to close that door all the way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted October 16, 2013 Author Share Posted October 16, 2013 It feels a little weird to say so, but congratulations on your divorce. :laugh: Seriously, though, I'm sure it is a relief to close that door all the way. I know, divorce is not something I would normally celebrate but it has been so long and I have not truly been able to move on. I have enough stress all the time, it feels good to know that soon I will be able to close that chapter of my life, tuck it away and move on with other things. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted October 16, 2013 Share Posted October 16, 2013 You've put up with his shenanigans for 12.5 years??? You are one patient woman. Pretty sure I would have needed bail money long ago. Congrats- which is a weird sentiment but it totally fits this situation!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted October 16, 2013 Share Posted October 16, 2013 So happy for you to be free to move on with your life! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truscifi Posted October 16, 2013 Share Posted October 16, 2013 Yay! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinder Posted October 16, 2013 Share Posted October 16, 2013 :thumbup1: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted October 16, 2013 Share Posted October 16, 2013 I think I'll say congratulations too--not for the divorce per se, but for being able to let go of dead weight and move forward. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theYoungerMrsWarde Posted October 16, 2013 Share Posted October 16, 2013 I can't believe the GF was okay with that!!!! (Your ex not divorcing you while he was with her, I mean.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aprilleigh Posted October 16, 2013 Share Posted October 16, 2013 Wouldn't surprise me if it wasn't the GF that finally talked some sense into him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted October 16, 2013 Author Share Posted October 16, 2013 I can't believe the GF was okay with that!!!! (Your ex not divorcing you while he was with her, I mean.) I wouldn't say she was okay with it, she and I had spoken before, she wants to be married to him and I don't want to be, but it was a control thing with him. He knew I could never fully move on if I was still married and the closer to the kids being 18 he dragged it the less he would be paying in child support(he pays a voluntary amount we don't have a court order for that). I know GF would be on board with any terms I lay out for ex because she wants this chapter done too. Right now she is merely the live in gf while I am still the wife, she wants that designation and she should have it, I am more than happy to pass that title on to her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted October 16, 2013 Share Posted October 16, 2013 Congratulations! I was wondering when you said they were trying to adopt if this could finally be your ticket out of the legal marriage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alicia64 Posted October 16, 2013 Share Posted October 16, 2013 I wouldn't say she was okay with it, she and I had spoken before, she wants to be married to him and I don't want to be, but it was a control thing with him. He knew I could never fully move on if I was still married and the closer to the kids being 18 he dragged it the less he would be paying in child support(he pays a voluntary amount we don't have a court order for that). I know GF would be on board with any terms I lay out for ex because she wants this chapter done too. Right now she is merely the live in gf while I am still the wife, she wants that designation and she should have it, I am more than happy to pass that title on to her. What a narcissist he must be. I'm so happy for you that you're rid of him, but I'm really bummed for her. She's on the cusp of a lot of drama. I'd break open the champagne if I were you!!! Alley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted October 16, 2013 Share Posted October 16, 2013 Congratulations! Onward and upward! :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom-ninja. Posted October 16, 2013 Share Posted October 16, 2013 Congratulations! I'm happy you an move forward now. Throw a divorce party! I plan to throw one for my sister when her divorce is final. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann.without.an.e Posted October 16, 2013 Share Posted October 16, 2013 12.5 years!!!!! Dang, you should get a medal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trulycrabby Posted October 16, 2013 Share Posted October 16, 2013 Wow, congratulations for finally getting closure! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlmiraGulch Posted October 16, 2013 Share Posted October 16, 2013 Great news for you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanny Posted October 17, 2013 Share Posted October 17, 2013 Wonderful news, strange as it seems to write that, about a divorce. 12 1/2 years of separation is horrible. Time to legally end a marriage that was over, 12 1/2 years ago. Excellent :-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted October 17, 2013 Share Posted October 17, 2013 I'm drinking some wine for you tonight...never, ever, ever thought I would say this about a divorce, but CONGRATULATIONS! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackie Posted October 17, 2013 Share Posted October 17, 2013 Congratulations! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted October 17, 2013 Share Posted October 17, 2013 Congratulations! I was wondering when you said they were trying to adopt if this could finally be your ticket out of the legal marriage. :iagree: That's exactly what I was thinking! Congratulations, Brandy! :party: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted October 17, 2013 Share Posted October 17, 2013 I'm drinking some wine for you tonight...never, ever, ever thought I would say this about a divorce, but CONGRATULATIONS! Me too. If ever a divorce was to be celebrated this is the one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cammie Posted October 17, 2013 Share Posted October 17, 2013 First, Congratulations! Second, just wondering how it could go so long without you getting divorced? Doesn't your state allow a "status" divorce? That just means legally you are not married but it doesn't deal with the financial and custody issues. Also, haven't all states moved to no-fault divorce by now? So doesn't it only take one party to want the divorce? Or does your state require both people to agree? That just seems feudal to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twigs Posted October 17, 2013 Share Posted October 17, 2013 Best wishes as you move forward. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted October 17, 2013 Author Share Posted October 17, 2013 First, Congratulations! Second, just wondering how it could go so long without you getting divorced? Doesn't your state allow a "status" divorce? That just means legally you are not married but it doesn't deal with the financial and custody issues. Also, haven't all states moved to no-fault divorce by now? So doesn't it only take one party to want the divorce? Or does your state require both people to agree? That just seems feudal to me. I am in Alberta Canada not the USA. If he simply never did anything after he was served it would have gone through years ago but instead he would contest an item in it, so it would go back and forth between the lawyers until he agreed to the terms then he would object to a different item and on and on it went until I could no longer pay the bills. I have never heard of a divorce that did not include custody and financial issues, they don't do that here. I have legal custody without the divorce but not the other way around. Most people I have spoken to out here have never heard of it taking so long either. After I ran out of money for the lawyer I just dropped it and decided to live with the status quo, I figured once the kids were 18 he would divorce me because then it wouldn't affect child support kwim. So I was just biding my time, but now it will be happening sooner rather than later. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theYoungerMrsWarde Posted October 17, 2013 Share Posted October 17, 2013 First, Congratulations! Second, just wondering how it could go so long without you getting divorced? Doesn't your state allow a "status" divorce? That just means legally you are not married but it doesn't deal with the financial and custody issues. Also, haven't all states moved to no-fault divorce by now? So doesn't it only take one party to want the divorce? Or does your state require both people to agree? That just seems feudal to me. She lives in Canada, not the USA. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 17, 2013 Share Posted October 17, 2013 Congratulations! There's no wine in my house or I'd definitely be drinking some for you too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cammie Posted October 17, 2013 Share Posted October 17, 2013 Ok, thanks for the explanation! I didn't realize that in Canada divorce could be so difficult to obtain when there is one uncooperative spouse. Luckily, in the US, in most states the laws have been written so that one person cannot indefinitely delay the ending of the marriage. You can get divorced in status only and still deal with the custody and financial issues at a later date. This is mostly used to allow one person to remarry without waiting for the whole divorce to be resolved. Here in India the courts delay divorces for sometimes as long as 20-30 years - even when both parties want the divorce! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted October 17, 2013 Share Posted October 17, 2013 :thumbup1: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ashfern Posted October 17, 2013 Share Posted October 17, 2013 :hurray: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted October 17, 2013 Share Posted October 17, 2013 I'm glad you are able to move on now. I just wonder ... Why would the GF put up with that for so long? And why would she want to be his new wife, seeing how he treated the original one? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ripley Posted October 17, 2013 Share Posted October 17, 2013 Three cheers for closure! Enjoy the legalization of your freedom :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crimson Wife Posted October 17, 2013 Share Posted October 17, 2013 It must be a huge relief to be getting the legal paperwork taken care of at last. Wishing you all the best in moving forward with your life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ElaineJ Posted October 17, 2013 Share Posted October 17, 2013 I can't believe the GF was okay with that!!!! (Your ex not divorcing you while he was with her, I mean.) This was my first reaction as well! I'm glad you're able to move on with your life. Elaine Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted October 17, 2013 Share Posted October 17, 2013 Wow, this was a long time coming. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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