Inlaws just texted about a death in the family

[Tess in the Burbs]

Am I the only one who agrees that certain things require a phone call? 

 

MIL just texted that the grandma's sister passed away.  No info otherwise.  Why couldn't she call?  She's unemployed sitting at home.....and she just texts there is a death in the family?  I had to get DH to ask tons of questions to get a name and city....the grandma has 4 sisters.  I had no idea which one she meant by the text!  

 

We know this relative and are close enough location wise that we could attend a funeral.  But now I have to wait a few days to see an obit to send flowers.  I can't believe MIL would just text this and with nothing other than "grandma's sister died".  UGH

 

I truly believe breakups and deaths should never be texted!!!!!

[Night Elf]

My DH's uncle passed away in June, just before we were going there for vacation. We found out about the death on Facebook. But to be fair, it was posted by my BIL's who were very close to their uncle and they were in shock. I had to wonder if someone would have called us that day if I had not seen it on FB. As soon as I saw it, my DH called his mom to find out what happened. She was so distraught. I don't know the etiquette of who gets called at what time when someone dies. Do you call the day it happens? The next day when things have calmed down a tiny bit? I don't know. DH was able to attend the funeral though, which was nice.

[NicAnn]

Yep, it's all done by text these days. Or Facebook. I can't stand it an I find it disrespectful to the loved one.

[Miss Marple]

Yup - it's the new etiquette :p

 

We were alerted on FB that dh's sister had a stroke and was diagnosed with Stage 4 melanoma.  The FB post was in the evening and luckily I was playing on my iPad in bed and discovered it.  The event had happened earlier in the day.  BIL didn't bother to call his wife's father - until dh told him that he really should do that.  Then the call was made about midnight to FIL who lives in assisted living and wears hearing aids which he takes out at night.  I posted here about the apparent lack of manners and propriety that have come about since FB and other social networking sites.

 

Guess I'm just too old to give up the more thoughtful and considerate methods of conveying bad news.

 

ETA:  It is interesting to me that the same branch of the family is the one that sent out the "sorry you are not awesome enough to be invited to our wedding" postcards to all the extended family.  Wonder how they will announce births LOL.

[Word Nerd]

Can't you call her to follow up? Clearly you have a strong preference about how news like this should be shared, but I really don't get why you're so angry.

[kewb]

Yes, I do think some things require a phone call.  At the same time I would be happy to be notified at all.  It is not what I would do but if I let my knickers get in a twist over everything that I would do differently I would spend a lot of time twisted.

[Tammyla]

:grouphug:

 

That is also my mil...  Last year, his sister was in the hospital for emergency surgery.  She would not answer her phone, so I had to call around to the different hospitals to find where to send flowers and check on her. 

(Mil is retired btw.) 

 

 

[MeghanL]

As someone who has had to deliver bad news, I really love Facebook. Instead of me having to call over 30 people to say the same thing over and over again, I get to send out one message and then get back to doing what I need to do. When dealing with an unplanned crisis, it's nice that technology allows us to spread information quickly and efficiently without having to take hours away from the person in the hospital, or the grieving spouse/parent/etc to make personal phone calls to so many different people!

 

[alef]

For close family I expect a phone call (thinking immediate family or grandparent). For more extended family (such as a great-aunt) email or texts seems fine--it is the most efficient way to get the word out to everyone, and less emotionally challenging than making a phone call. 

[Cricket]

I can see a text if the person had been sick and everyone knew what was coming. Other than that, yes, a phone call would be nice.

[macmacmoo]

To be fair, I've been on the other end. The one having to send out information. It's painful to tell someone what happens over and over and over again.

 

When our son was born stillborn with no warning that it was going to pan out that way. We called our parents on the phone. We hoped that we only had to tell our mom's and that they would rely it to our dad's, but instead we were handed off to the other to tell the tale again. Having to tell what happened four times because each person wanted to hear what happened in detail, hurt. it was like living through it all over again multiple times. After our parents we did a bulk text message to the rest of the family because it was just to hard to have to repeat everything. Facebook is even more helpful since you don't have to repeat any additional information since everyone can read the previous comments if there were additional questions. 

 

Yes it might seem rude that you didn't get your own personal walk through of events, but please please please remember the person who is contacting you isn't trying to offend you, but rather keep themselves together

[vonfirmath]

When one of my bridesmaids died, her father insisted on calling me instead of telling me on the IM chat we were on.

 

...I would have preferred to have been told on IM chat. I process better by text than auditory. So I still don't remember the details. But in text I could have read over and over until I got it.  I don't know if I reacted "right" over the phone or not.

 

However, it was her father and his right to break the news however he wanted to. He and his wife had the biggest pain in the circumstance.

[IHaveNoIdeawhatIAmDoing]

For close family I expect a phone call (thinking immediate family or grandparent). For more extended family (such as a great-aunt) email or texts seems fine--it is the most efficient way to get the word out to everyone, and less emotionally challenging than making a phone call. 

 

 

:iagree:  I was going to say the same thing.

[Zebra]

I would much rather get a text or email about someone I wasn't close to.   And I agree that when I have had bad news to share, people have gotten upset because I didn't have the energy to call 500 people.   It's not about you, it's about the people who were actually close to the person who died.   You call someone when it's going to be a blow to them, or you are very close to the person you are calling and want to talk about it.   Otherwise, I see no reason to call someone.  It should be about relationships, not about "protocol" in these situations. 

[marbel]

For me it would depend on the relationship.    I expect that when my elderly aunts die, I will learn about it on facebook.  When one of my siblings dies, I expect a phone call from a niece or nephew. 

 

I had to notify everyone when my mom died.  I have to say, it was exhausting calling everyone and dealing with the emotions on the other end even as I was dealing with my own.   If I had had a different way of notifying those who were not close to her, I would have been happy to use it.  But it may be hard to know who feels close and would like a personal contact, and who is not.  

 

 

[Arcadia]

Having to tell what happened four times because each person wanted to hear what happened in detail, hurt. it was like living through it all over again multiple times.

I agree.

My extended family has a chain calling system for births, weddings and deaths. It gets the word out since my elderly relaties need to be called anyway and they would call their kids who would call their grandkids. Some of my nephews are my age (late 30s, early 40s)

My hubby's grandma is not doing well. We expect an international SMS then we will facetime. We have been getting SMS updates since we are not in the same country. We have been told to expect the worse.

[Laurie4b]

Are you mad  because the death of this person was a blow to you and the text left you with no way to process or because etiquette was violated? If you want more info, can you not text back or call? Was your MIL close to the person who died?

 

[Tess in the Burbs]

I am complaining that as a society we have taken away all personal relationships for technology. MIL isn't crying over this aunt...she could manage a phone call to dh to give us the info, but she chose not to. It just seems there is a time and a place for some manners and calling family would be appropriate. Years ago no one called about a death and we missed the funeral and then they fussed at us for not coming! I know this person died but was given no funeral info. We are close enough to go if I knew when and where. Dh will call his grandma tonight to find out more. She's probably unable to talk much though. She's probably very upset.

 

ETA: there was a wedding last year of a cousin that we didn't get an invite and everyone has since told us how rude it was not to go or give a gift?!?! We never knew about it b/c no one told us by any means!

[marbel]

I am complaining that as a society we have taken away all personal relationships for technology. MIL isn't crying over this aunt...she could manage a phone call to dh to give us the info, but she chose not to. It just seems there is a time and a place for some manners and calling family would be appropriate. Years ago no one called about a death and we missed the funeral and then they fussed at us for not coming! I know this person died but was given no funeral info. We are close enough to go if I knew when and where. Dh will call his grandma tonight to find out more. She's probably unable to talk much though. She's probably very upset.

 

ETA: there was a wedding last year of a cousin that we didn't get an invite and everyone has since told us how rude it was not to go or give a gift?!?! We never knew about it b/c no one told us by any means!

 

I can see you're upset by this and I'm sorry.

 

The two incidents you mention above haven't anything to do with technology.   People simply didn't communicate with you.  That's not good.   But it's not the technology.  It's the people.  

[Catwoman]

I completely agree with you, Tess.

[Melissa B]

I think it depends on how the technology is used.  I received a text a week or so ago that simply read - Urgent email. Please read.  So I checked my email and was notified of a death in the family. The email was sympathetic, well written and contained all of the important information.  And I received it in enough time to allow me to drive 18 hours and make the funeral.  I think it is nice that our very large and spread-out family can all be notified immediately when something like this happens.  

[Miss Marple]

Top 20 things you should never text (according to MSN)

 

 

Personally, I would prefer a text over a FB post.  At least it's a little more personal.  If you don't know how often someone checks FB you cannot assume that they will find the information.  Immediate family deserves a personal call.  IMO, that's part of being a responsible person (adult) whether you have to tell the whole story multiple times or not.  And 

most of the time the immediate family members will ask what they can do to help and you can tell them to call X, and Y, and Z.  Then you have enlisted help on your end and don't have to tell the story umpteen  times.  Back in the day people did it just fine.   Oh, and they actually wrote "thank you" notes back then as well.  Yes, I'm old and grumpy.

 

http://living.msn.com/tech/mobile/20-things-you-should-never-text#1

 

#15

Bad news

A death in the family, a life-changing accident, an arrest—bad news comes in many forms, but one form it shouldn’t come in is a text message. Texts are instantaneous, arriving on their recipients’ phones with an unassuming ping. Since you don’t know when or under what circumstances the person will read the message, it’s best to leave shocking news to a more personal format.

 

 

 

[dakarimom5]

This is how it works in my family. After someone dies one of my grandparents children gets the call, this depends solely on who is speaking to whom, then they call their siblings who then call their own children. Now, if you are like me and aren't talking to your parent, then someone will have mercy on you and let you know. But, if someone tells you that is not your parent you must act surprised because it will cause drama.

 

Now you see why I don't speak to 75% of my family, it is exhausting.

[Tess in the Burbs]

This is dh's great aunt. His parents sucked at parenting. This woman cared for him when he was a young child(his parents would leave him with her while they looked for work in other towns), and both have a great love for each other. We want to go to funeral if possible.

[fraidycat]

This is dh's great aunt. His parents sucked at parenting. This woman cared for him when he was a young child(his parents would leave him with her while they looked for work in other towns), and both have a great love for each other. We want to go to funeral if possible.

Things haven't changed, apparently. If I were you, I'd try really hard to just let the anger go. It doesn't serve you in any way. Just chalk it up to sucky people suck. They won't change, so our only control lies within how we choose to react to people who suck.

[KungFuPanda]

I have no issues with written communication over verbal. I don't like NOT being told important family matters, but the form of the message doesn't offend me. If I want more information, or to hear someone's voice, I can always follow up with a call to them.

 

I've had to deliver bad news from person to person before. I WISH I'd had text back then. It's like salt in a wound to keep retelling the same awful news

[Laurie4b]

This is dh's great aunt. His parents sucked at parenting. This woman cared for him when he was a young child(his parents would leave him with her while they looked for work in other towns), and both have a great love for each other. We want to go to funeral if possible.

 

This is different to me.  It's someone close to your dh and that should have warranted a phone call. However, I also agree with a pp: if dh's mother stunk at parenting when he was little, well, she still does and it sounds like this is more about MIL and dh's family than about getting a text. I'm sorry for your dh's loss and for your angst about how he found out.

[Excelsior! Academy]

Can't you call her to follow up? Clearly you have a strong preference about how news like this should be shared, but I really don't get why you're so angry.

 

Are you mad because the death of this person was a blow to you and the text left you with no way to process or because etiquette was violated? If you want more info, can you not text back or call? Was your MIL close to the person who died?

 

I am complaining that as a society we have taken away all personal relationships for technology. MIL isn't crying over this aunt...she could manage a phone call to dh to give us the info, but she chose not to. It just seems there is a time and a place for some manners and calling family would be appropriate. Years ago no one called about a death and we missed the funeral and then they fussed at us for not coming! I know this person died but was given no funeral info. We are close enough to go if I knew when and where. Dh will call his grandma tonight to find out more. She's probably unable to talk much though. She's probably very upset.

 

ETA: there was a wedding last year of a cousin that we didn't get an invite and everyone has since told us how rude it was not to go or give a gift?!?! We never knew about it b/c no one told us by any means!

 

 

If I were the one texted I wouldn't be angry just slightly upset. As a society we have really isolated ourselves. I would like the personal touch of discussing a matter. I would also like to ask questions.

 

 

We are also not on Facebook nor do we text, so it is likely we wouldn't discover the news until much later. We just got cell phones about 5 years ago and only started emailing regularly about 3.

[PrincessMommy]

I think it depends a little on the relationship you may have with the deceased.  If it were a close relative, I'd hope for a phone call rather than a text.  If it were a distant relative I don't know that I'd think much about it... but I agree with the other poster and I'd be happy just to be informed.  I had a great-aunt die whom I hadn't seen for 20+ years... but I did often ask about her.   Anyway, I didn't find out she had died until after her funeral.  No, we weren't close, but I still would have liked to have been able to pay my respects and support her family by going to the funeral. 

[tex-mex]

Are you mad  because the death of this person was a blow to you and the text left you with no way to process or because etiquette was violated? If you want more info, can you not text back or call? Was your MIL close to the person who died?

 

Good point.

 

I was a bit confused as to why the OP simply didn't just call her MIL and get the info? 

[Mimmy]

I've been in the position of having to call multiple family members repeatedly during an extended critical illness of a family member (my infant niece).  It was unbelievably stressful and draining for me to have to keep calling so many people when I was grieving and trying to physically/emotionally support my sister and parents at the hospital.  I'm an introvert and already hate phone calls on my good days.

 

If the baby had died I don't think I could have made those phone calls for a long time, and I know for certain my sister and mom couldn't have done it. If I could have texted people I would have.  And I would have been really angry to find out that people in the extended family were upset with me for not calling.