Question about death customs

[Pegasus]

I'm not really sure how to phrase this so please forgive any awkwardness in the following. Can anyone explain to me why it would be important to someone to have a grave of a loved one to visit?

 

My father-in-law has let everyone know that he wants to be cremated and scattered. His daughter is objecting on the grounds that she wants a grave site to visit. I THINK she is ok with the cremation, but wants the ashes buried with a marker.

 

Both of my parents are deceased and I've never felt inclined to visit their graves. I can think of them and share memories anywhere. I don't feel closer to them at the cemetery.

 

Appreciate any insight you may have.

[Dahliarw]

Just for that reason, to have a place to visit. Different people grieve/deal with missing those who have died differently, even years later.

 

My grandfather had his ashes scattered in the ocean, off the coast of Alaska. I know where they were scattered (there is a very visible landform there) so I can still go ther to "visit" him. Maybe there is some specific place to scatter the ashes she could go back to as a compromise?

[Murphy101]

Father in law's wishes are to be followed. The end. IMO. :)

 

I have never visited my mother's grave in the 17 years she has been dead. I couldn't even tell you where she is buried.

 

However, she wanted a grave, her dh/my df wanted her to have a grave, so she got a grave.

 

I have told my dh to do whatever he feels is best for him and the kids. I'd like a grave, but not if it is a hardship for them. I do NOT want a ridiculously expensive funeral and burial. Burn me on a pyre or bury me in the back forty. I don't care. And have a wake. None of that everyone walking about crying or with stiff upper lips crap. Eat, drink, laugh. Life is short. Remember the love and let the rest go.

[K&Rs Mom]

My SIL's family is like that. There is a relative who died about 6-8 years ago, and they go out to the cemetery all the time - especially on holidays, his bday, or family event days. I think his mom still goes once a week or more, and takes my 1yo niece - SIL has shown pics of niece kissing the headstone to say goodbye to uncle T after a visit. This is not something my family does, but apparently it's VERY important to their family. I find it somewhat strange, but try to be respectful. No insight for you, really, just pointing out that people deal with death in many different ways and this one is not uncommon.

[LibraryLover]

I know folks who picnic at the grave-sites of loved ones. I also know people who switch out plantings seasonally, or place stones on the markers. Given my experiences, I don't find it odd at all.

 

I want to be cremated, but I often take walks in cemeteries, and am very interested in headstones and their dates, quotes, prayers etc. Especially- old cemeteries are fascinating.

[Murphy101]

My dad, a sister, and brother and some of my moms siblings go several times a year. Even tho he lives out of state from where she is buried.

 

Dh's family very regularly visit family graves. Several times a year.

 

I don't think it's weird or strange.

 

I just don't feel that need with my mom.

 

I think I likely would with my dh or kids if god forbid I ever had their graves to visit. I can understand how after years of being with someone, talking to them regularly, or whatever a person still needs to replace that habit and comfort with visiting the grave.

 

Sometimes it's not a grave,

 

Dh's grandfather has a picture of his dead wife at the dining table for him to look and talk to over breakfast.

 

I have another relative who "talks" to the urn on their mantel.

[stripe]

I'm not really sure how to phrase this so please forgive any awkwardness in the following. Can anyone explain to me why it would be important to someone to have a grave of a loved one to visit?

There are a variety of reasons. Some people think it's disrespectful to throw someone's remains into the wind or a river, and that this does not honor them. Some people want to have a place to come and remember and pray for their loved one. Some people believe their loved one can hear them and they come to the grave to comfort the deceased and/or update them on family news. Some people want to be buried near their loved ones. I think for some people, scattering remains becomes a forceful way to say "move on," and those people never want to discuss their deceased love one again, or mourn for them whatsoever.

 

I know people who regularly go to visit graves or the resting place of cremated remains, I know someone whose cremated remains were kept around the house for years before finally being interred because I think no one quite knew what to do with them, and I also know people who strongly regret that their loved ones' remains were scattered. So I have seen people in my life turn away from their initial inclination that it doesn't matter, and move towards wanting a defined place of final rest.

[LibraryLover]

Different cultures will view this differently. It's a sensitive issue.

 

Since this is a classical board, consider the ancient Greeks and their stories...it's all about place...coming home. Being scattered hither and yon would not be right.

[Cindy in FL.]

For me it is somehow comforting to have a place to go visit even though I rarely go. My mom and brother are buried together less than 10 minutes from my house. My dad wants to be cremated and I plan to put his ashes with them so I can just visit them all at the same time. He won't have a marker, but I'll know he's "there".

[Joker]

I'll admit that I would feel a bit lost if I didn't have that place to visit. It is comforting to know I can 'visit' them somewhere. I feel them with me often and I do talk to them, but it feels different when I can actually be near them. I know they're not really there, but that's the last place I 'saw' them and was with them.

[Mrs Mungo]

It is a place to take time out for grieving. It is a place to connect people,with their family history. It gives people a place to visit on special occasions. It is hard for most people to just move on when they lose a loved one.

 

ETA: I don't like the idea of not providing such a place to your survivors, even if you did not feel the need as a survivor yourself.

[*********]

My husband's mother died a few years ago. He still visits her grave occasionally; the children and I go with him when he asks us to. He always takes flowers. We went most recently on Mother's Day.

 

He had a habit of taking flowers to his mother when we went to visit her when she was living, and he still likes to do that. Honestly, I've never told him this, but it really surprises me that he does it. Knowing his beliefs regarding death, I find it odd that he is comforted by visiting his mother's grave and taking flowers. But at the same time, I find it to be a very sweet gesture; just one I'd never have guessed he'd do, if someone had asked me before his mother passed.

 

When my father dies, I absolutely want him buried somewhere, with a marker of some sort. I don't know why exactly, but I know myself, and it will be important for me to know where his bodily remains are and to have a place to go "visit" him and grieve.

 

(And now I feel weepy. I so pray it is many many years before that happens.)

[Ellie]

Father in law's wishes are to be followed. The end. IMO. :)

 

I have never visited my mother's grave in the 17 years she has been dead. I couldn't even tell you where she is buried.

 

However, she wanted a grave, her dh/my df wanted her to have a grave, so she got a grave.

 

I have told my dh to do whatever he feels is best for him and the kids. I'd like a grave, but not if it is a hardship for them. I do NOT want a ridiculously expensive funeral and burial. Burn me on a pyre or bury me in the back forty. I don't care. And have a wake. None of that everyone walking about crying or with stiff upper lips crap. Eat, drink, laugh. Life is short. Remember the love and let the rest go.

 

ITA, unless someone says he doesn't want any sort of memorial or wake or whatever. The people left behind need it. Ask me how I know...

 

ok, I'll tell you. My mother died 11 days after being diagnosed with lung cancer. She wanted to be cremated and she didn't want any sort of memorial. Her friends and family were shell shocked at her death to begin with, and they needed the time to be together and hug each other's necks and share Joanne stories and cry and laugh together. I don't care what the reasoning is; it's wrong.

[*********]

 

ITA, unless someone says he doesn't want any sort of memorial or wake or whatever. The people left behind need it. Ask me how I know...

 

ok, I'll tell you. My mother died 11 days after being diagnosed with lung cancer. She wanted to be cremated and she didn't want any sort of memorial. Her friends and family were shell shocked at her death to begin with, and they needed the time to be together and hug each other's necks and share Joanne stories and cry and laugh together. I don't care what the reasoning is; it's wrong.

 

Ellie. :grouphug: I think a lot of the time, people say not to have a memorial service for them because they don't like the idea of people being sad that they're gone. It's a way for the dying person to cope with their own emotions. I honestly don't think there's anything wrong with having a memorial even if someone said they didn't want one. They're *gone*. The people left behind need one another.

 

:grouphug:

[Ellie]

 

Ellie. :grouphug: I think a lot of the time, people say not to have a memorial service for them because they don't like the idea of people being sad that they're gone. It's a way for the dying person to cope with their own emotions. I honestly don't think there's anything wrong with having a memorial even if someone said they didn't want one. They're *gone*. The people left behind need one another.

 

:grouphug:

 

TYVM. :-)

 

Yes, I'm sure that's why my mother wanted that. She was mistaken. Had I known that's what she wanted, I would have organized something, but there just wasn't time to talk about it, I didn't live near-by, and her dh was too stunned to say anything, bless his heart.

 

I was visiting a cousin once, my mother's age, who said he didn't want any sort of memorial when he died, and I gave him heck. His girlfriend thanked me profusely.

[FaithManor]

deleted

[mazakaal]

I haven't read all of the responses, so this may have been mentioned already, but what about buying a bench for the city in your fil's favorite park? I can't actually remember if I've ever seen this done in the US, but it's common here to either pay for the bench to be installed or just pay for a plaque on the bench, "In memory of..." That way fil gets his wish and his dd has a place to visit that was special to him.

[Pawz4me]

ok, I'll tell you. My mother died 11 days after being diagnosed with lung cancer. She wanted to be cremated and she didn't want any sort of memorial. Her friends and family were shell shocked at her death to begin with, and they needed the time to be together and hug each other's necks and share Joanne stories and cry and laugh together. I don't care what the reasoning is; it's wrong.

,

I'm sorry for your loss. :grouphug:

 

But do remember that people are different. Some do need to go through a public mourning process surrounded by family and friends. Others find it totally cruel and tortuous. When my mom died I just wanted everybody to go away and leave me alone and let me process and grieve in peace (except, perhaps, very immediate family). My sons and DH are the same way. Instead of being free to grieve as we wanted and needed to, I was pretty much forced to spend the next few days doing non-stop planning for a funeral/burial and entertaining relatives and friends, and of course DH and the boys had to go through it with me. It was horrid for all of us, and we were so relieved when everybody went away and left us alone. Personally, I don't care whether there's a service for me or not when I die, 'cause it sure won't matter to me then. But I tell everyone I don't want a service because I know it would be completely awful for DH and the boys to have to endure.

[Lizzie in Ma]

Some folks feel the need for something concrete to have when a loved one passes away.

Most of our deceased relatives were cremated and scattered but my nephew, who was 7 when he died was buried, it was a comfort for my sister and my Mom still maintains his grave.

[JuanitaL]

I had a dear friend from one Army installation who developed ovarian cancer and died after they moved to another installation. We ended up at that other installation several years later - she was buried in the national cemetery at the end of my street. It was a strange/sweet/happy/comforting thing for me to be able to "visit" her again. We liked to walk in that cemetery a lot. It was in Texas - on Easter and Mother's Day it was a very busy place - I saw a mariachi band once, and lots of picnics. One of the people that stands out in my mind the most was an elderly gentleman who brought his lawn chair and just sat next to a gravestone - I'm guessing he was there most of the afternoon. For myself, if I die before my husband, I just want to be cremated and put in a bag - set me aside until my husband dies and then stick me inside one of the pockets of his dress uniform. If he dies before me - I hope they'll just dig down far enough into his grave to drop my Ziploc baggy of ashes inside.

[K&Rs Mom]

DH, MIL, DD, and I are donating our bodies to U of Michigan Med School. We'll be done with them and feel that one of the best contributions we can make is research and the training of future healthcare professionals. Because this creeps out so many individuals, it is difficult for med schools to get enough cadavers for their students. So, we will not be providing a place for survivors to go "visit us".

 

I think they have a memorial garden or at least a marker there, for exactly that reason. My friend's grandma donated her body to U-M, and at the end of that school year they had a ceremony/memorial for all of the donors' families, to thank them and they got to meet some of the med students. She said it was a nice closure, and I would guess a little easier to deal with since it was months after the death when they're no longer in shock.

[Murphy101]

Ugh. Dh and I HATE memorial services. Good heavens. As though people need help being depressed during that time.

 

The last one we went to his mother commented that she preferred if to the grave site burial. We both completely disagreed. Dh told her point blank he wants everyone to have a few words graveside, then head back to the house and use up the last of his home brew at the wake. Mil wasn't all that happy with that plan. lol

 

Memorial services are so contrived. And in his family there is usually "Jesus recruitment by guilt" as dh calls it. When his grandmother died, everyone was treated to 2 hours of what a kind Christian woman she was (which she mostly was) and how if anyone want to profess to Jesus, that's all she ever would have wanted them to do and will make her so happy in heaven.

 

Ick. To us at least.

 

A Wake is not a memorial service to us tho.

[Ellie]

,

I'm sorry for your loss. :grouphug:

 

But do remember that people are different. Some do need to go through a public mourning process surrounded by family and friends. Others find it totally cruel and tortuous. When my mom died I just wanted everybody to go away and leave me alone and let me process and grieve in peace (except, perhaps, very immediate family). My sons and DH are the same way. Instead of being free to grieve as we wanted and needed to, I was pretty much forced to spend the next few days doing non-stop planning for a funeral/burial and entertaining relatives and friends, and of course DH and the boys had to go through it with me. It was horrid for all of us, and we were so relieved when everybody went away and left us alone. Personally, I don't care whether there's a service for me or not when I die, 'cause it sure won't matter to me then. But I tell everyone I don't want a service because I know it would be completely awful for DH and the boys to have to endure.

 

I understand that the people left behind might not care for memorial services/wakes/whatnot. But that does not mean that the people should decree that there shouldn't be any, nor that the loved ones shouldn't do something because their loved ones didn't want them to.

 

I would have had something for my mother for her friends, if not for myself. There should be *something.* It seems disrespectful for there to be *nothing.* But at any rate, it is the one thing that I would not feel compelled to "honor" the deceased persons wishes. I'd at least have an informal gathering somewhere.

[vonfirmath]

My lovely parents had a set of plans and then they read an article that changed their minds. The said that the post-decease plans should be made according to the wishes of the survivors, not the deceased.

 

 

I completely agree with this. The dead is dead. The survivors are the ones who have to deal with it.

 

FIL is not around to be offended if his wishes are not met with. The daughter is the one who has to deal with losing her dad.

 

I had a good friend die right before our wedding. She was cremated and her ashes put in a box in a wall at their church. On Mother's Day this year they took the son to visit. The next time we are back in the area I intend to go pay my respects as well. It's a place to go, to leave a flower. To remember.

[Pawz4me]

I understand that the people left behind might not care for memorial services/wakes/whatnot. But that does not mean that the people should decree that there shouldn't be any, nor that the loved ones shouldn't do something because their loved ones didn't want them to.

 

Sorry, I disagree. I believe it's totally disrespectful to not follow someone's final wishes or to put pressure on immediate family to have a service if the planning/organizing/paying for a service makes their own grieving process more difficult. I do agree with you about an informal gathering. And I think sometimes it would be optimal if someone in the extended family or who was close friends with the deceased would step up and organize that kind of thing if the immediate family didn't feel up to it.

[garddwr]

I have appreciated having grave sites of ancestors to visit--my parents' grandparents, for example, that I never knew personally. I have enjoyed going with my grandmother to put flowers on graves on memorial day and hearing her tell stories of those family members. Having a physical reminder makes the people more real and helps me develop a connection with them. I like that, I like feeling attached to my own family roots.

[Mrs Mungo]

Wow, some of the posts here feel so callous.

 

The vast majority of services that I have attended have been for people who were young. There have been lots of young soldiers, my husband's best friend, my baby sister. In my experience families need a chance to process what has happened, especially if it was sudden.

 

My sister was sick a long time, but she left behind a husband and 11 year old daughter. Her funeral was definitely not a show of wealth or to help anybody be depressed, it feels cruel for people to imply anything of the sort. It was to celebrate her life, to mourn the fact that she was taken so young and...I don't know...I can't type the rest of this post, it is too upsetting.

[texasmama]

I can only speak to my own experience. My beloved mother passed away in 2006, donated her body to medical science and was cremated. We then had a small ceremony in which we had her ashed buried in the family plot. I have never gone back to see it. The thought of seeing her name and dates on the marker feels too painful, even now. However, I do like the thought that her remains are somewhere that I could go if I chose to. Grief and loss are very strange animals. They do not always follow a predictable pattern.

[unsinkable]

What sucks is when siblings argue over what should happen and then the people who want no service "win."

 

If there is a service, the people who don't want to go, don't have to go.

 

If there is no service, the people who wanted a service have nothing.

[texasmama]

Also, I have told my husband to do what he wants with my body if I am gone before him. I am fine with being cremated. I would love to have my ashes buried next to my mother in the family plot. But if he wants to fix up my body and have an open casket and spend a lot of money, that is his choice. It is not my preference, but I would want for him and the kids to do whatever they feel best about. I will not be here to have an opinion.

[unsinkable]

I can only speak to my own experience. My beloved mother passed away in 2006, donated her body to medical science and was cremated. We then had a small ceremony in which we had her ashed buried in the family plot. I have never gone back to see it. The thought of seeing her name and dates on the marker feels too painful, even now. However, I do like the thought that her remains are somewhere that I could go if I chose to. Grief and loss are very strange animals. They do not always follow a predictable pattern.

 

I'm so sorry. (((Texasmama)))

 

My parents died when I was a teenager and I have never gone to their graves. I have a very visceral reaction when I am in that cemetery that I think is a reaction to the pain of their funerals. And plus I don't think they are "there."

[unsinkable]

Wow, some of the posts here feel so callous.

 

The vast majority of services that I have attended have been for people who were young. There have been lots of young soldiers, my husband's best friend, my baby sister. In my experience families need a chance to process what has happened, especially if it was sudden.

 

My sister was sick a long time, but she left behind a husband and 11 year old daughter. Her funeral was definitely not a show of wealth or to help anybody be depressed, it feels cruel for people to imply anything of the sort. It was to celebrate her life, to mourn the fact that she was taken so young and...I don't know...I can't type the rest of this post, it is too upsetting.

 

I'm sorry. I would be a mess if my brother died, an absolute mess. I don't understand these ideas either about services for the dead.

[Ellie]

Sorry, I disagree. I believe it's totally disrespectful to not follow someone's final wishes or to put pressure on immediate family to have a service if the planning/organizing/paying for a service makes their own grieving process more difficult. I do agree with you about an informal gathering. And I think sometimes it would be optimal if someone in the extended family or who was close friends with the deceased would step up and organize that kind of thing if the immediate family didn't feel up to it.

 

I'm pretty sure I didn't say anything about putting "pressure on immediate family to have a service if the planning/organizing/paying for a service makes their own grieving process more difficult." I only said that the grieving family/friends should not feel that they cannot get together and mourn just because their loved one said not to. :-)

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

My husband and I decided very early in our marriage that we wanted our remains (after vital organs are donated) to be cremated so our ashes can be mixed together when we're both dead. But if I die young, and he remarries he has very specific instructions on where and when to scatter me. (If dh dies young and I re-marry he wants his ashes shot into space.) I wouldn't want his next wife to have to deal with "me" hanging around, KWIM? I always thought the process where a company takes carbon from your ashes and turns it into a gemstone was awesome, but I doubt my kids (even grown up) want to wear us around like that. Once dh and I are mixed together we'll leave it up to our kids to decided what they want to do with our ashes.

 

Before Newtown, I never thought about what I'd do if something happened to one of my kids. Knowing enough about the embalming process, there is NO WAY I want that to be done to my kid's body. Not even just for a "viewing." I can't stand the thought of my child's dead body being displayed like that. I have no problem donating their vital organs, but I would want them to be cremated, too. My FIL really argued with me about that, insisting that people need closer, need to see the body, especially in the case of a child. Nope, don't care, no way.

[texasmama]

I'm so sorry. (((Texasmama)))

 

My parents died when I was a teenager and I have never gone to their graves. I have a very visceral reaction when I am in that cemetery that I think is a reaction to the pain of their funerals. And plus I don't think they are "there."

Thank you and hugs back to you. I don't think my mom is there, either. It doesn't even sound rational, but I just don't want to see the dates and her name on a stone. (I actually don't know for sure if there is a stone. I assume my dad took care of that...)

[Happy]

As Christians, our family believes firmly in an afterlife. The memorial services we have are filled with laughter and tears....we rejoice in the life of the person and weep because of the hole in our hearts. I would feel most lost without something to honor and celebrate the person I loved. Most everyone is buried--I've only visited my parent's graves once in the last 18 years, but it was oddly comforting to go to that city and see their headstones. Plus those of my grandmother and granddaddy. My SIL chose to be cremated...and it leaves me a bit lost sometimes because I'd like to visit 'her' and pay my respects. To that end, I planted a rose in my garden in her honor--we have good talks. :0)

[my2boysteacher]

I watched a television program all about 'home funerals'. I thought it would be really neat to have one--- just a viewing in the home (no embalming), then your relatives can take you out side and inter you. Of course, you would have to have living in a place with no plans of moving any time soon...

[stripe]

DH, MIL, DD, and I are donating our bodies to U of Michigan Med School. ... Because this creeps out so many individuals, it is difficult for med schools to get enough cadavers for their students.

According to Mary Roach in Stiff, medical schools do not accept every donation.

[Mrs Mungo]

I watched a television program all about 'home funerals'. I thought it would be really neat to have one--- just a viewing in the home (no embalming), then your relatives can take you out side and inter you. Of course, you would have to have living in a place with no plans of moving any time soon...

 

This is not legal in most of the US.

[my2boysteacher]

 

 

This is not legal in most of the US.

 

I think it is legal by us. I have heard a woman just did it. This is from a website from our state:

 

"There are no laws that specifically permit or prohibit burial on your own land, but check local zoning. A good practice is 150 feet from a water supply and 25 feet from a power line with two or three feet of earth on top. You should draw a map of the land showing where the family cemetery will be and have it re- corded with the deed."

[AlmiraGulch]

My husband often visits the grave of a friend of his. He finds comfort in it and insists on being buried, following a formal visitation, viewing and wake, when he dies. I suppose I should do what he says, in case his daughter wants a place to visit.

 

I really don't want to be buried. I find the whole viewing and burial processes to be sort of macabre, extremely expensive, and a poor use of the limited land on the earth. Cremate me and scatter my ashes in the ocean. That's what I'd prefer.

 

That said, I told me husband to do with me whatever he wants to do with me if I die first. He needs to be comfortable, and whatever will provide him comfort is fine with me.

 

My own parents are almost hostile about the "no funeral, no burial" thing. They took care of part of it, as they each have been accepted by Washington University's Medical School as donor bodies. Unless the both die on the same day, I'd say there won't be any memorial for the surviving spouse when the first one goes. I can't make the same promise for the 2nd. We'll do whatever we feel like doing to support each other and get through it.

[jrn]

I've always been one to say that I don't need to take up space when I'm dead, so cremate me and put me where ever...But, I was at a family reunion years back and we all (100+) went to the cemetery and went to the headstone of the two people that made us all related. It was quite an experience, and I'm so glad that there was a head stone to go to.

[----]

.

[HRAAB]

To have a place to visit. Both my parents have passed on, 2001 and 2005, and I visit their graves several times a year. Right now my girls and I will be planting flowers in front of the headstone. I have this little tradition on Mother's Day where I take a thermos of tea (English Breakfast - mom's favorite), go to her grave, remember, drink tea and pour the rest on her grave. I like that.

 

BUT...they wouldn't necessarily have to be buried there. I also have a small urn of some of my dad's ashes on my fireplace mantle near a picture of him when he was in his 20's. Another way to remember. Any place where we had shared memories or a favorite spot of theirs would work. It just happens I live near the cemetery where they're buried so I visit. Maybe I'm strange, but I like cemeteries. All the history, threads connecting people. I wander around reading headstones and think about those people. We drove 1500 miles on vacation to find my dh's great-great grandmother's grave. She was part Choctaw and my children had always been fascinated by her. It was quite an adventure, but in the end with some research and quite a few dead ends, we found her grave. We had a picnic there. So maybe it's not so much for us as for future generations.

[athena1277]

OP, I feel the same as your SIL. My mom has said more than once that she wants to be cremated and have her ashes scattered. She doesn't want a grave for people to go to. I really can't explain my reasons, but I hate that idea, at least for her. I told her she better let my brother know her wishes, because if it's left up to me, it may not happen the way she wants.

[Murphy101]

Wow, some of the posts here feel so callous.

The vast majority of services that I have attended have been for people who were young. There have been lots of young soldiers, my husband's best friend, my baby sister. In my experience families need a chance to process what has happened, especially if it was sudden.

My sister was sick a long time, but she left behind a husband and 11 year old daughter. Her funeral was definitely not a show of wealth or to help anybody be depressed, it feels cruel for people to imply anything of the sort. It was to celebrate her life, to mourn the fact that she was taken so young and...I don't know...I can't type the rest of this post, it is too upsetting.

 

 

Wow. Some people are presuming to make this personal and it isn't. I don't know your family, so I can't make any presumption about it being a show of wealth or a depressing evangelical event. If you say it wasn't, then of course I believe you and am glad it was a source of comfort for your family.

 

But it isn't always like that. I've seen people go into major debt for a huge funeral because they felt or were pressured to think that respecting the dead means lavish funeral. And yes, some people even in grief focus more on image than substance. Spending 2 hours at a memorial telling how holy the dead person was and how their dying wish was for their family to be able to join them in heaven and if you feel moved to come forward to be baptized if would make him/her so very happy and wouodnt it be great to be with them in heaven? Was not *my* idea of a tributing type memorial. Especially since so many people feel such anger at God when a loved one dies even when they are devout.

 

I would NEVER tell someone they didn't have a right to whatever funeral they wanted or found comfort in. I was simply stating how *We* would want it and how our own experiences have colored our perspective.

 

This is not legal in most of the US.

 

 

Actually it's legal in every state unless something recent changed. (and it might have bc funeral directors would push hard to make it illegal.)

 

I've been to some for my very poor relations when i was a child and I actually would love to have that for myself. Tho the dead were buried in a cemetary, all the prep and viewing was at the house and the men drove the body in its box to the cemetary and buried it themselves to save money. There is something very... Closing and healing about preparing the body and being able to sit in comfort among family as everyone comes through to pay their last respects. Even as a child, I don't remember it as a scary thing. That might just have been bc of all the cookies and pies and cakes us grandkids kept pilfering from everyone bringing food though. ;)

[Slartibartfast]

I guess it just depends on family traditions and beliefs. My family is an large, old fashioned family and I have squirmed at some more modern, new age burials.

 

If I passed away and asked for no memorial or funeral I know that one would likely happen anyways. IMO that sort of thing is for those who are left behind to gather and mourn and take comfort in one another. I don't think it is just for saying goodbye. Yes, planning a funeral is very difficult and takes a toll on one but I cannot express how very much having family and loved ones present was comforting to us.

 

I am grateful for the family members that drove very far or hopped on planes to be there for my parents. Regardless of how very long my sister was ill there is NOTHING that can prepare one to lose a child.

 

The memorial service meant a great deal to my family. We did have a lot of people visit throughout that week but it was not burdensome and most of them brought food, the church ladies also brought food. I guess it just depends on what the family is like. My family is full of lovely, wonderful people and everyone that was there was wanted and appreciated.

[sparrow]

This is a very raw topic for me. My mother passed away May 19th. I will simply say that I am glad our family had a visitation and funeral where I could cry in my friends' and families' arms. I am an intensely private person. Reaching out at this time made me feel real when everything going on felt very underwater and unreal. My father has visited her grave half a dozen times since she was buried. I will go soon, but I'm not quite ready yet. I am happy I have a place to go. I didn't think I would care, but I do.

[Ellie]

This is a very raw topic for me. My mother passed away May 19. I will simply say that I am glad our family had a visitation and funeral where I could cry in my friends' and families' arms. I am an intensely private person. Reaching out at this time made me feel real when everything going on felt very underwater and unreal. My father has visited her grave half a dozen times since she was buried. I will go soon, but I'm not quite ready yet. I am happy I have a place to go. I didn't think I would care, but I do.

 

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[unsinkable]

I guess it just depends on family traditions and beliefs. My family is an large, old fashioned family and I have squirmed at some more modern, new age burials.

 

If I passed away and asked for no memorial or funeral I know that one would likely happen anyways. IMO that sort of thing is for those who are left behind to gather and mourn and take comfort in one another. I don't think it is just for saying goodbye. Yes, planning a funeral is very difficult and takes a toll on one but I cannot express how very much having family and loved ones present was comforting to us.

 

I am grateful for the family members that drove very far or hopped on planes to be there for my parents. Regardless of how very long my sister was ill there is NOTHING that can prepare one to lose a child.

 

The memorial service meant a great deal to my family. We did have a lot of people visit throughout that week but it was not burdensome and most of them brought food, the church ladies also brought food. I guess it just depends on what the family is like. My family is full of lovely, wonderful people and everyone that was there was wanted and appreciated.

 

 

(((Sis))) I'm so sorry for your loss.