IL's gave 7 days notice

[Plateau Mama]

My MIL informed me yesterday they are coming to visit....NEXT WEEK. They don't live close (3000 miles). Part of the reason we live so far away is so they have to give us lots of warning! Trussing supposed to happen!

 

I tried to push them out a week or two until school & baseball were done but they are set on next week! Baseball playoffs are next week, my daughter has to get ready for finals. Hubby is in the middle of a project and will be working late for the next month. This. Is. Not. A. Good. Time.

 

MIL is going to end up upset because we don't have time to be at Her beck and call.

 

Done venting. Now OFF TO CLEAN MY HOUSE!

[KungFuPanda]

Wowza!can you send her a schedule? "If you come this week, these are the times we'll have to spend with you. If you come a different week, we'll have THIS much time to spend."

 

This MAY work in your favor. Get all of the craziness over with at once, then collapse into a nice, quiet week.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Unless they extend their trip. 😧

[JNW]

Wowza!can you send her a schedule? "If you come this week, these are the times we'll have to spend with you. If you come a different week, we'll have THIS much time to spend."

 

This MAY work in your favor. Get all of the craziness over with at once, then collapse into a nice, quiet week.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Unless they extend their trip. 😧

 

 

Could not agree more. I would probably even plan a few extra things that I didn't already have scheduled, just for me...like a hair or nail appointment or a shopping trip with a friend. You might not seem them very much at all! ;)

 

You might be too busy to provide all of their meals, so you may think about alerting her to this as well, just to lower the expectations ahead of time. It's usually all of the unmet expectations that cause the unnecessary drama in my in-situation. My heart goes out to you, truly!!!

 

Edited a typo

[Tess in the Burbs]

At least you got notice. I have had the 11pm doorbell ring from my inlays with no advance warning! And then they get mad we were upset. So we cancelled everything to be at their beck and call and they did their own thing ALL DAY LONG. Never again we said.

 

Were you honest about what is going on? Tell them who has to be where and how they can tag along or hang in the house but you have a schedule and it can't be changed this week. Put it out there before they show up!

[bettyandbob]

When they arrive point out the family calendar. Tell them that is the priority. Everytime mil complains you aren't doing x for her remind her you tried to get her to change dates. no apologies. Tell her where extra items she might want when you can't make dinner are located in your pantry.

 

Is mil passive agressive? I suspect they bought tickets without warning you so you couldn't put them off. But in doing so they will have to adjust to your schedule.

[bolt.]

That's ridiculous. The answer this woman should have been getting for this sort of behaviour is, "I'm sorry, but we won't be able to host you that week. Would you like to discuss a plan that works for everyone?" Followed by, "Gee, I'm sorry to hear that. It's usually wise to check with your hosts before booking your travel plans. I hope the airline doesn't give you too much trouble over your mistake." Followed by, "So sorry! We might have some time to socialize, but we just can't host you. It's not a good time for our family. If you like, I could send you some hotel information, but I think you'd have a much better trip, and it would be less expensive, if you'd like to come and stay for a week that works for all of us. Say, maybe, (week x)?"

 

Nobody gets the privileges this family member is claiming. It's irrational, boundary-less and a presumption to power. The sooner she learns it isn't a good plan with you, the better your relationship will be.

 

So, maybe the conversation regarding this trip got away from you, and you can't backtrack, and you 'll have to "vent and cope" -- but it isn't going to be the last time, so maybe gear up to stand in her way the next time she gets pushy?

[stripe]

I would just make the best of it, and try to find ways for them to get involved, maybe especially in the baseball. I don't know the dynamics of your family, but I could not and would not tell my parents or in laws not to come, or to sit in the corner and be quiet.

[swellmomma]

If they didn't want to reschedule I would say no visit period. You guys are crazy busy. You don't have to have anyone visiting so I would say sorry but next week is no good you can not visit at all that week

[QuirkyKapers]

Sounds like a crazy week. Would they listen if your dh talked with them?

[Trish]

Are they independently wealthy? How can they afford cross-country plane tickets with only one week's notice? And why is hubby not handling this with them? (or is he fine with the timing of the visit?)

 

Could you say, "that's not the best time for us, how about we schedule something during the month of ______?"

[Seasider]

That's ridiculous. The answer this woman should have been getting for this sort of behaviour is, "I'm sorry, but we won't be able to host you that week. Would you like to discuss a plan that works for everyone?" Followed by, "Gee, I'm sorry to hear that. It's usually wise to check with your hosts before booking your travel plans. I hope the airline doesn't give you too much trouble over your mistake." Followed by, "So sorry! We might have some time to socialize, but we just can't host you. It's not a good time for our family. If you like, I could send you some hotel information, but I think you'd have a much better trip, and it would be less expensive, if you'd like to come and stay for a week that works for all of us. Say, maybe, (week x)?"

 

Nobody gets the privileges this family member is claiming. It's irrational, boundary-less and a presumption to power. The sooner she learns it isn't a good plan with you, the better your relationship will be.

 

So, maybe the conversation regarding this trip got away from you, and you can't backtrack, and you 'll have to "vent and cope" -- but it isn't going to be the last time, so maybe gear up to stand in her way the next time she gets pushy?

 

 

 

I could not agree more!

[Plateau Mama]

Wowza!can you send her a schedule? "If you come this week, these are the times we'll have to spend with you. If you come a different week, we'll have THIS much time to spend."

This MAY work in your favor. Get all of the craziness over with at once, then collapse into a nice, quiet week.

Unless they extend their trip. 😧

 

 

I did tell her everything that is going on. When she gets a bug up her butt there is nothing that can be done. She has only ever extended her trip once and that was at my request. I was pg w/#2 and had to get rehydrated. I was so weak I couldn't care for #1.

Could not agree more. I would probably even plan a few extra things that I didn't already have scheduled, just for me...like a hair or nail appointment or a shopping trip with a friend. You might not seem them very much at all! ;)

You might be too busy to provide all of their meals, so you may think about alerting her to this as well, just to lower the expectations ahead of time. It's usually all of the unmet expectations that cause the unnecessary drama in my in-situation. My heart goes out to you, truly!!!

Edited a typo

 

 

They don't expect us to cook and would truly take us out every night. Only problem is my middle child cannot eat out (allergies) and we have something every night. I also can't have my daughter out every night instead of preparing for finals. So they will just have to eat out alone. I can't schedule shopping etc because she will tag along and I can't do that to my friends.

At least you got notice. I have had the 11pm doorbell ring from my inlays with no advance warning! And then they get mad we were upset.

 

Were you honest about what is going on? Tell them who has to be where and how they can tag along or hang in the house but you have a schedule and it can't be changed this week. Put it out there before they show up!

 

 

This is why we live 3000 miles away, to help prevent these surprises. Yes I was honest about our schedule.

Is mil passive agressive? I suspect they bought tickets without warning you so you couldn't put them off. But in doing so they will have to adjust to your schedule.

 

She is very passive aggressive. But she didn't need be in this situation. We have never told them no to a visit unless we were out of town or something major was going on. I am also flying out there (alone) with the 3 kids in August. So I do not deny them time with us. In fact I am much more open to it than my husband.

That's ridiculous. The answer this woman should have been getting for this sort of behaviour is, "I'm sorry, but we won't be able to host you that week. Would you like to discuss a plan that works for everyone?

 

Nobody gets the privileges this family member is claiming. It's irrational, boundary-less and a presumption to power. The sooner she learns it isn't a good plan with you, the better your relationship will be.

So, maybe the conversation regarding this trip got away from you, and you can't backtrack, and you 'll have to "vent and cope" -- but it isn't going to be the last time, so maybe gear up to stand in her way the next time she gets pushy?

 

It isn't that the conversation got away from me. It's more I'm screwed either way. If I tell her no I will hear for YEARS (and I am not exaggerating) how we don't love her and wouldn't let her come to visit. If I allow her to come when she wants I'll hear how they came all this way and we didn't have time for them.

 

We didn't stay with them once after we were first married, its a long story why, but trust me it was the right thing to do. We stayed with his brother, saw them every day. I heard the sob story for 10 years about how hurt she was that we didn't stay with them. 10 YEARS!

I would just make the best of it, and try to find ways for them to get involved, maybe especially in the baseball. I don't know the dynamics of your family, but I could not and would not tell my parents or in laws not to come, or to sit in the corner and be quiet.

 

My FIL is a gem. He will do whatever I ask of him. He will absolutely sit in the pouring rain to watch baseball if I need him to. He could live with me and I'd be fine with that. MIL is a different story.

[Seasider]

Hey, I've got an idea for you! Why don't you plan an afternoon in, make some great movie snacks, and enjoy a few episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond together!

[JNW]

You absolutely can go somewhere and tell her she can't tag along. It might be difficult to tell her no, but you can. The day I started saying no to my in-laws and yes to my family's needs and my needs was the day my in-law problems started to diminish greatly.

[JNW]

Hey, I've got an idea for you! Why don't you plan an afternoon in, make some great movie snacks, and enjoy a few episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond together!

 

 

YES!!! Thanks for the laugh!

[Plateau Mama]

Are they independently wealthy? How can they afford cross-country plane tickets with only one week's notice? And why is hubby not handling this with them? (or is he fine with the timing of the visit?)

Could you say, "that's not the best time for us, how about we schedule something during the month of ______?"

 

 

Money is not an issue. They typically use FF miles to come out that they earn thru their credit card.

 

Suggesting an alternate date is like talking to a wall. She will pick any date than what I suggest. A coupe of years ago they found out we were going to Colorado (to see my family). She decided she was taking us to the Brodmore Hotel. Gave her the list of dates we couldn't go and every date she picked was one of those. So that year I didn't get to see my family because we wouldn't hear the end of it if we had gone w/o them. Actually it's been 3 years and we still hear "I tried to take you to the Broamore but Nicole turned down my generous offer.)

 

I had told her flat out that my kids were not old enough to stay in a suite in a 5 Star hotel. We would be happy at the Hilton down the road. (At 1/4 the cost).

[Plateau Mama]

Hey, I've got an idea for you! Why don't you plan an afternoon in, make some great movie snacks, and enjoy a few episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond together!

 

 

MIL loves that show!

[Trish]

Why wouldn't they call BEFORE making the flight arrangements? Who does this? (rhetorical)

 

In any case, if you're resigned to the visit, then instead of sending them out to eat, why not have them pay for takeout? Let family members take turns picking the place, your daughter could still get her studying done etc.

 

I'd really go all or nothing with this. Either refuse the visit now and tell them when they can reschedule, or make the best of it and ENJOY their stay, and work with what you've got. Playing baseball is more fun with more spectators rooting you on! Just make sure your daughter's study time is respected.

[Seasider]

MIL loves that show!

 

 

Seriously?!!! Does she not see herself in it?

 

I have considered mailing a dvd of at least one episode to a family member. Now I wonder if she might not just consider Marie the hero...

[RanchGirl]

put them to work making your life easier! Either they'll be happy to be so useful or they will remember never to come when you are busy. You win either way.

[Plateau Mama]

Why wouldn't they call BEFORE making the flight arrangements? Who does this? (rhetorical)

In any case, if you're resigned to the visit, then instead of sending them out to eat, why not have them pay for takeout? Let family members take turns picking the place, your daughter could still get her studying done etc.

I'd really go all or nothing with this. Either refuse the visit now and tell them when they can reschedule, or make the best of it and ENJOY their stay, and work with what you've got. Playing baseball is more fun with more spectators rooting you on! Just make sure your daughter's study time is respected.

 

 

There really aren't many restaurants nearby and my son can't eat out. I still would need to cook for him, so its not a big del to cook for everyone. They just probably won't want to eat at 7 or 8 pm every night. They are 3 hours later than us and are usually in bed by 9. Also, I don't allow her to drink in my house, so she likes to go out so she can have a glass (or 3) of wine.

 

Enjoy their stay is not how I would describe any visit with them. Survive is more like it. I will do my best and she will never know I'm peeved.

[JNW]

Money is not an issue. They typically use FF miles to come out that they earn thru their credit card.

 

Suggesting an alternate date is like talking to a wall. She will pick any date than what I suggest. A coupe of years ago they found out we were going to Colorado (to see my family). She decided she was taking us to the Brodmore Hotel. Gave her the list of dates we couldn't go and every date she picked was one of those. So that year I didn't get to see my family because we wouldn't hear the end of it if we had gone w/o them. Actually it's been 3 years and we still hear "I tried to take you to the Broamore but Nicole turned down my generous offer.)

 

I had told her flat out that my kids were not old enough to stay in a suite in a 5 Star hotel. We would be happy at the Hilton down the road. (At 1/4 the cost).

 

 

I would recommend the website http://www.motherinlawstories.com to help you work through the very common but very difficult in-law issues of blatant disrespect and boundary crossing. Your MIL behaves this way because she can. My MIL STOPPED her behavior when we finally stood up to her. And the WE is crucial here. DH and I together.

 

Until then, I would spend as little time as possible with her when they're around. If you say "I gotta run out for a few" and get your keys and leave," really, what can she do? Nothing. She'll just sit and stew, and you will eventually get to the point where you won't care anymore. At all. I don't!

[Jean in Newcastle]

If you are going to hear about it no matter what you do, then do what you need to do for the sake of your family. There is no peace to keep here.

[Plateau Mama]

Maybe I'll put her to teaching math & phonics to my little guy. ;-)

[JVA]

Your mil will continue to behave/think in this manner as long as you let her. Your dh needs to tell her what the boundaries are and hold to them.

 

When she starts her complaining routine, you need to shut her down- hang up the phone, leave the room, close the door- whatever it takes to not listen.

 

Your schedule and your family are YOUR priorities.

 

She is being enabled by folks and that's why her disrespectful behavior continues.

 

Your AND your dh must read the Boundaries book. Immediately.

 

What message is all this teaching your kids?

[Halftime Hope]

Maybe I'll put her to teaching math & phonics to my little guy. ;-)

and start a therapy fund for him, too? JK. : ) Very best wishes!

[Lang Syne Boardie]

put them to work making your life easier! Either they'll be happy to be so useful or they will remember never to come when you are busy. You win either way.

 

Now you're talking.

 

They could help lots of ways! Cooking, so dd can have allergen-free foods during all her study evenings, going to baseball games, helping with shopping and housecleaning, watching the kids so you and DH can have some alone time during his busy season....

 

they may be coming for a visit, but you can redefine what "visit" means. Instead of eating out and shopping, visiting a busy household with kids means joining in the daily life to actually share in their life. Or it should!

[Starr]

Money is not an issue. They typically use FF miles to come out that they earn thru their credit card.

 

Suggesting an alternate date is like talking to a wall. She will pick any date than what I suggest. A coupe of years ago they found out we were going to Colorado (to see my family). She decided she was taking us to the Brodmore Hotel. Gave her the list of dates we couldn't go and every date she picked was one of those. So that year I didn't get to see my family because we wouldn't hear the end of it if we had gone w/o them. Actually it's been 3 years and we still hear "I tried to take you to the Broamore but Nicole turned down my generous offer.)

 

 

 

I had told her flat out that my kids were not old enough to stay in a suite in a 5 Star hotel. We would be happy at the Hilton down the road. (At 1/4 the cost).

 

 

You say you spend more time with them than your dh? Really you chose not to see your family because your MIL would complain? This sounds like your problem. She has you jumping. From her outlook why not, she knows you will give in to her schedule.

[Seasider]

Honestly, it almost doesn't sound like they are coming to "visit." Kinda seems like they are just using you for a hotel.

[Garga]

Your mil will continue to behave/think in this manner as long as you let her. Your dh needs to tell her what the boundaries are and hold to them.

 

When she starts her complaining routine, you need to shut her down- hang up the phone, leave the room, close the door- whatever it takes to not listen.

 

Your schedule and your family are YOUR priorities.

 

She is being enabled by folks and that's why her disrespectful behavior continues.

 

Your AND your dh must read the Boundaries book. Immediately.

 

What message is all this teaching your kids?

 

Yup. If you never let them know that this behavior won't work for you, they'll never stop it.

 

You've gotta be strong, girl, and say NO.

 

I would start now if I were you. Call her back today and say, "Sorry, I've reviewed the calendar and it just won't work." If they insist on coming, tell them they'll have to stay at a hotel and they can meet up with you for the sporting events. You'll email her a schedule.

 

Girlfriend, telling them they're coming without checking with you is ridiculous. Utterly ridiculous. They just wasted their FF miles. THEY wasted them, not you.

[songsparrow]

I would start now if I were you. Call her back today and say, "Sorry, I've reviewed the calendar and it just won't work." If they insist on coming, tell them they'll have to stay at a hotel and they can meet up with you for the sporting events. You'll email her a schedule.

 

Girlfriend, telling them they're coming without checking with you is ridiculous. Utterly ridiculous. They just wasted their FF miles. THEY wasted them, not you.

 

 

:iagree: Tell her that in the future, she needs to discuss dates with you before she makes her flight plans.

 

 

It isn't that the conversation got away from me. It's more I'm screwed either way. If I tell her no I will hear for YEARS (and I am not exaggerating) how we don't love her and wouldn't let her come to visit. If I allow her to come when she wants I'll hear how they came all this way and we didn't have time for them.

 

We didn't stay with them once after we were first married, its a long story why, but trust me it was the right thing to do. We stayed with his brother, saw them every day. I heard the sob story for 10 years about how hurt she was that we didn't stay with them. 10 YEARS!

 

 

When she starts along this line of complaint, the first time you need to respond with something along the lines of, "As we discussed at the time, that week wouldn't work for us and I gave you alternate dates that did not work for you." After that, the only response is, "I'm not going to discuss this further" and walk away from the conversation (or say goodbye and hang up the phone).

[Plateau Mama]

 

What message is all this teaching your kids?

 

I am teaching my kids that you do the best you can. My oldest knows grandma's colors and we laugh about it. My boy's adore grandma. This is part of the reason I tolerate the behavior. If all my kids were miserable I'd put my foot down.

 

When they were coming for Christmas she was demanding us to bring a turkey sandwich to her hotel. My husband said, "I'd be happy to pick one up from Whole Foods." Her response was "no, it must be from the turkey Nicole is going to cook." I laughed at her and said, "kids requested Mexican, if you'd like a taco sandwich I'd be happy to send your son over with one." (And I did not cook a turkey. )

You say you spend more time with them than your dh? Really you chose not to see your family because your MIL would complain? This sounds like your problem. She has you jumping. From her outlook why not, she knows you will give in to her schedule.

 

It was more by the time we were done debating this it was too late to schedule anything. We thought if we didn't go it would quietly be forgotten. We learned our lesson. Last year no one spoke a word of our vacation (Disney Cruise) until the cruise was sold out (and yes she tried to book). We went to Disney World for our birthdays and DH felt guilty not giving his parents the chance to celebrate with us. I told him if he wanted to spend the day with them that was fine but I was not going to give up a day of my vacation to appease her. She wanted us to come for spring break and I told her it wasn't going to happen. So I am not a total doormat. ;-)

Honestly, it almost doesn't sound like they are coming to "visit." Kinda seems like they are just using you for a hotel.

 

I don't even know if they will stay here. They haven't the last few times, but honestly its easier if they do so then we aren't wasting time wondering when they will arrive. They pulled that once over Christmas and wasted most of our day. The next day we took the kids to the ski pass to play in the snow. We knew there was no way they'd want to come and we didn't feel bad about it.

 

 

[JVA]

I am teaching my kids that you do the best you can. My oldest knows grandma's colors and we laugh about it. My boy's adore grandma. This is part of the reason I tolerate the behavior. If all my kids were miserable I'd put my foot down.

 

 

 

 

Well....even if one or 1/2 the kids are bothered and you are bothered, I'd NOT tolerate the behavior. Which kids will be ignored? Which set of feelings will be rolled over? If this is the case, believe me, it will come back to bite you. BTDT. You and your dh have to have a united front. He sounds like guilt might be a tool his mother uses? Hmm. It might be helpful for the future for you two to talk this out with a therapist to make a game plan. We had to do it with a narcissistic family member that everyone gave a pass to. They were all afraid of the fall out when she didn't get her way- which sounds like your mil does this as well.

 

I'm glad to read you have stood up to her. She sounds demanding and self-centered. But, the biggest thing your HUSBAND needs to do is to tell her in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS that her visits and the dates of them will NOT be dictated to you. That is incredibly disrespectful of him and you and your family. Your inlaws need to ASK permission to visit and see if certain dates work for you. Of course she will rebel. Set yourself for that and have answers and plans for her comebacks to your standards. The reason people continue to walk on others is because they CAN. People LET them.

 

You probably got more 'help' than you bargained for here, didn't you? I don't mean to sound harsh....but I imagine I'm older than you and have mucho experience with a NPD nut job that has torn a family up. No one had a spine to deal with her except me and my dh. And we had to willing to stand alone in our choices. Our primary motivation was to protect our family and keep our own priorities intact. Not everyone liked or understood our choices. I'm sorry you have this situation. Learning how to deal with it is a process and asking others for ideas was a good idea. I just hope you don't feel overwhelmed. Blessings to you and your family!

[RemsMom]

My life became so much easier the day I decided to stop caring what the passive-aggressive relatives wanted/needed. When they plan a trip at a busy time, they just don't see a lot of us. I go on with all I had scheduled. I don't reschedule. When they complain that we are not available to to the things they had planned (plans they never bother to tell me about) I tell them that our schedule was set months ago and if they had asked I would have told them it was a bad time.

 

When we visit the area where the relatives live (over 1000 miles away), I plan every hour of the trip. That way they can't take over our trip and keep us from doing the activities that we want to do. They complain and I ignore them. It isn't my job to cater to their every need.

[ApronMama]

It sounds like you pick your battles and do what you need to do. Happy cleaning! I'm sure it will all work out.

[FaithManor]

Gently, now is the time to set the boundary. This is unacceptable.

 

You need to call her and say, "We will not be home this week due to previous commitments. Here is a list of hotels in the area that are reasonably priced. I will email our family schedule to you and highlight those times that we will be able to meet you for dinner. Chinese or Italian?"

 

If you twist yourself into a knot to suit them, this will only get worse. Trust me, I know. I had a father-in-law who was retired and would just get into the car and drive 1400 miles north to our place on a whim, no phone call, and then claim we were anal retentive, inhospitable, snobs for not dropping everything. He'd get very angry that DH couldn't just take time off from work without notice and hang out. We kind of put up with this until the fourth time. The fates conspired to help us. Dh was sent on a business trip for his employer and they let me go too! His father showed up to a locked house and no idea when we would get home. This was before cell phone days so he had no way to get a hold of us. According to the neighbors, he hung around for a couple of days, apparently staying nights in a local motel, and spending hours in our driveway during the day waiting for us to show up before he finally conceded defeat and drove home. It was the last time he wasted four days of driving plus gas on an impromptu visit.

 

Faith

[songsparrow]

It sounds like you pick your battles and do what you need to do. Happy cleaning! I'm sure it will all work out.

 

:iagree: Dictating when they are going to visit would be a battle that I would fight, but if it's not your choice of battle then I hope you enjoy their visit as much as is possible. (And in that case I agree with those who said to put them to work :001_smile: !)

[Amber in SJ]

I feel ya. Last Wednesday I saw a facebook message from my mom to my sister saying she (mom) had to break their mani/ pedi date because she would be at my house for the weekend. Hello? Someone might want to mention it to me? So I put off all my end of school stuff to take them out and about. We had a great time, but it was chaos. We have a tiny house and adding two adults is difficult. My dad called today to say they are coming back this Friday to attend another museum exhibit. Awesome. I just want to finish school and get going on the Summer schedule, but here we go again....

 

Amber in SJ

[Guest submarines]

Is she an alcoholic? I'm not sure what you mean by you not allowing her to drink a glass of wine at night while she visits.

[Amber in SJ]

I think the lesson that I am teaching my kids is that we don't see the grandparents as often as we would like so yes, if they want to sleep in our messy house on an inflatable mattress, if they want to crash our piano recitals and museum outings, if they want to love and adore my children and bring treats and love from the other far-flung family members, if they want to get up at 6:30am and let our kids share their favorite neighborhood park and bring home breakfast while Dh & I sleep in, if they want to come to church with us and worship with us then they are welcome to come without a ton of notice. We will put off math and biology finals to see Grammie and BeePa. It isn't convenient, but it is worth it for my kids to have a relationship with them.

 

I am not judging anyone who doesn't feel this way because I don't feel this way about my ILs. They constantly make remarks about my housekeeping, my children's behavior and they expect to be waited upon. They are not as readily welcome.

 

Amber in SJ

[dirty ethel rackham]

Nicole,

 

It sounds like your are dam#ed if you do and dam#ed if you don't. She isn't going to be happy either way and there will be consequences either way. So, stop trying to please her. So she talks about you and whines and complains. Let her. What harm really comes of her griping? If it bothers you, tell her to stop. If she continues, tell her that you are leaving/hanging up/whatever. If you don't want to do what she wants, then don't. Stop letting her rule your lives. As far as this visit is concerned, tell your MIL that you are very busy and that you won't have much time to spend with them. Then live your lives. Don't short-change your family because your MIL has no sense of boundaries. If she complains, remind her that you warned her. Enforce your boundaries. I know it is easier said than done, but it sounds like your schedule/plans will make it easier to ignore her.

[Plateau Mama]

Well....even if one or 1/2 the kids are bothered and you are bothered, I'd NOT tolerate the behavior. Which kids will be ignored? Which set of feelings will be rolled over? If this is the case, believe me, it will come back to bite you. BTDT. You and your dh have to have a united front. He sounds like guilt might be a tool his mother uses? Hmm. It might be helpful for the future for you two to talk this out with a therapist to make a game plan. We had to do it with a narcissistic family member that everyone gave a pass to. They were all afraid of the fall out when she didn't get her way- which sounds like your mil does this as well.

 

 

 

My daughter likes grandma, she just as a low tolerance for being controlled. MIL is never mean to the children, that would not be tolerated for a second. What we do is plan things for my daughter to do without them. Usually a sleep over at the other grandma's or a friends. Next week the church is doing an all day outing to a baseball game that I will probably send her on.

Gently, now is the time to set the boundary. This is unacceptable.

You need to call her and say, "We will not be home this week due to previous commitments. Here is a list of hotels in the area that are reasonably priced. I will email our family schedule to you and highlight those times that we will be able to meet you for dinner. Chinese or Italian?"

 

 

She is going to stay at a hotel. She called upset that the hotel doesn't have any two bedrooms available. (Boohoo). I asked her what she expected a week out during graduation weekend? She wanted to book something downtown and I told her we would not be able to see them that far away unless they drove to us. I invited her to stay with us but said I needed to know by Friday so I could get my sons room ready. She called an hour later saying thy booked the 1 bedroom but could I please call and see if I could get a two bedroom for her.

 

 

Ummm, No.

 

Is she an alcoholic? I'm not sure what you mean by you not allowing her to drink a glass of wine at night while she visits.

 

Yes, she is an alcoholic. Sometimes a very mean one. I put this rule in place about 11 years ago when she went off on my husband because he wouldn't agree to remodeling MY kitchen the way she wanted. It has been heaven. She comes to visit less often, doesn't typically stay here (so she can drink in her hotel room), and she is nicer without the wine.

Nicole,

It sounds like your are dam#ed if you do and dam#ed if you don't. She isn't going to be happy either way and there will be consequences either way. So, stop trying to please her.

 

 

I told her Tuesday was crazy. I'd leave a key under the mat and see her when I saw her. She was speechless for a second and didn't think I was serious. I just kept repeating that the key would be under the mat.

 

She told me "I know this is a bad week for you but its the only week grandpa has free." Yeah right, he's a retired dentist and works part time for the dental college. He as summers off.

[arghmatey]

Unless your spot as the future HBIC is guaranteed, I would shut that down.

[poppy]

She told me "I know this is a bad week for you but its the only week grandpa has free." Yeah right, he's a retired dentist and works part time for the dental college. He as summers off.

 

I know plenty of people who don't work outside the home who have packed schedules. Even if it's just golf or church, it's important to him.

 

Good luck, don't kill yourself cleaning, try to enjoy seeing the kids enjoy their grandparents. If you drink, allow yourself an extra glass while they visit! It is just a week.

[Remudamom]

I wish my parents would give me a week's notice and come visit. Or no notice at all. Lately they can't travel much and we do all the traveling to them.

[Plateau Mama]

I know plenty of people who don't work outside the home who have packed schedules. Even if it's just golf or church, it's important to him.

 

Trust me, it's not that important to him that this was the ONLY week this summer he could visit. She decided she was coming next week and next week it will be.

[Wildcat]

If you are going to hear about it no matter what you do, then do what you need to do for the sake of your family. There is no peace to keep here.

 

 

I agree with Jean. If there will be fall out no matter what, then just say/do what you want and take a deep breath. Easier said than done, I know, but if there is no good answer, then make yourself happy.

 

My daughter likes grandma, she just as a low tolerance for being controlled. MIL is never mean to the children, that would not be tolerated for a second. What we do is plan things for my daughter to do without them. Usually a sleep over at the other grandma's or a friends. Next week the church is doing an all day outing to a baseball game that I will probably send her on.

 

She is going to stay at a hotel. She called upset that the hotel doesn't have any two bedrooms available. (Boohoo). I asked her what she expected a week out during graduation weekend? She wanted to book something downtown and I told her we would not be able to see them that far away unless they drove to us. I invited her to stay with us but said I needed to know by Friday so I could get my sons room ready. She called an hour later saying thy booked the 1 bedroom but could I please call and see if I could get a two bedroom for her.

 

 

Ummm, No.

 

 

Yes, she is an alcoholic. Sometimes a very mean one. I put this rule in place about 11 years ago when she went off on my husband because he wouldn't agree to remodeling MY kitchen the way she wanted. It has been heaven. She comes to visit less often, doesn't typically stay here (so she can drink in her hotel room), and she is nicer without the wine.

 

 

I told her Tuesday was crazy. I'd leave a key under the mat and see her when I saw her. She was speechless for a second and didn't think I was serious. I just kept repeating that the key would be under the mat.

 

She told me "I know this is a bad week for you but its the only week grandpa has free." Yeah right, he's a retired dentist and works part time for the dental college. He as summers off.

 

 

Much better. It sounds like you already stand up. I was afraid, reading your OP, that you just griped and let yourself be walked on. I see now that you don't and honestly just wanted to vent. I'm sure there is much more you could say to make us understand the dynamics and that your post was more of a 'blow off steam' rather than a "I can't take it anymore' sort of thing.

 

I was going to say that I am glad my ILs don't travel. But they are so sweet, and I read Remudamom's post, and thought 'yeah, I would like for them or even my own parents to just show up one day', but my ILS just don't travel (At all. Ever) and my parents visit once a year and that is about to change. Why is it that the ones who cause trouble are always the ones 'visiting' and the ones we would all love to have for weeks on end are the ones we never see enough of? Sniff.

[elfgivas]

:grouphug: jean said it so well; you will hear about it whatever you do. meet the needs of your kids and your husband and you.

 

something i have done with all ILs is a two pronged approach.

 

one is to make sure that their welcome is over the top - flowers, chocolates on the pillows, basket of wine and food waiting for them at the hotel room, whatever. it is simple and makes them feel truly welcome. which is good, because often our schedule is nuts, and for at least two of the three sets we have, bound to be difficult.

 

then, over breakfast the first morning, i say how glad i am that they have come, because that particular week is a zoo. then if they don't volunteer, i ask if it would be okay if i ask for help when i need it. and then i give choices like i do for toddlers. eg. this is one of those times when there needs to be three of me. would you be able to teach math or do the grocery shopping? laundry or dishes? walk the dog or feed the chickens? read to the littles or listen to the olders read aloud? do latin flash cards with the olders or math facts with the littles? and so it goes..... it only took a few years of this for two of the three sets of ILs to stop coming when i said life was hectic. the third is a gem and comes on purpose to help out when life is overwhelming.

 

but it really takes keeping my eye on the ball, and remembering that while she may think life revolves around her, that really, that is her problem, not mine. after 15 years, i can listen to her and remember that it all really has nothing to do with me. and i have said "no" a few times, too. and yes, she talks about those times even yet.

 

my standard response is, "oh well...." rinse, repeat. its my version of "pass the bean dip".

 

and i read to my kids in bed each morning before we start the day, so that we have some quiet peaceful alone time to remember who we are.

 

good luck..... the boundary is the thing.... you can do it.

ann

[Tammyla]

BOUNDARIES, by Cloud and Townsend...Get the book from the library and read it asap.

 

It will help you set reasonable boundaries that wont leave you feeling guilty. Having healthy boundaries will help your entire family deal with mil and hopefully those visits wont leave you feeling like a drained defeated doormat.

 

In this instance, I think you can host them, but not cave in and cater to her every whim. Do what you need to support your family and expect her to act like a grown up.

 

Oh, and you have my sympathy...My mil is a professional-passive-aggressive-pain in the rear.

[Mom0012]

I would just say, sorry, that's not going to work, but we are free in a few weeks and would love to visit with you then.