Concerned I won't be able to do this - Highly Sensitive Parent (and socialization) question

[chaite]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm considering homeshooling my two kids next fall, but I have two questions that are nagging me. The first is a very real concern that I will get overwhelmed with homeschooling and being around my kids ALL the time. I get overwhelmed very easily if I don't get enough time to myself everyday - I'm a highly sensitive person which basically means that my nervous system is wired to pick up on everything all the time and it can be very stressful. That said, if I have enough time to myself during the day, I'm great. I also LOVE being with my kids and I do have extroverted tendencies if I've had enough "me" time.

 

Has anyone else had any experience homeshooling as a highly sensitive parent?

 

Secondly, I know the socialization issue doesn't necessarily have to be an issue, but someone brought it up today and it got me thinking. Their point is that if they only interact with kids for playdates, then they never get to experience what it means to work as a team and learn from the experience of problem-solving, brainstorming, etc. I'd love some thoughts on this.

 

Thanks so much to everyone in advance for responding!

[regentrude]

I can't comment on the first aspect, but on the second one.

Kids learn how to work in a team even in informal situations. You might become part of a homeschool group that meets regularly; kids will have friends and be doing crafts together, bake together, build a play fort together - that is all problem solving and team work. Aside from informal get togethers, there are many opportunities for more organized group activities( maybe as the kids get older, I don't know how old yours are): orchestra, homeschool PE, sports teams, chess club, community theatre- all those involve interaction, teamwork, problem solving.

There are even academic opportunities some homeschooolers participate in: co-ops and specific classes, math competitions, science fairs.

[mrs.m]

You didn't say your children's ages. Mine are older and hide in the afternoons because they are afraid I'll give them chores or more schoolwork. :D I get plenty of alone time that way. Really, we just have a quiet time where we don't spend time together. Problem solved.

 

Group projects and team work can be accomplished through many different clubs and co-ops. DD is in Classical Conversations Challenge B (8th grade) and they are working on a Mock Trial competition. DS10 just finished a lego robotics competition with a 4H team. DS7 does drama for church. These are all activities that they have to work with a variety of personalities to accomplish a specific set of goals. But it isn't really something you need to persue your first year.

[chaite]

Thanks to both of you for your replies. My kids are 9 (son) and 6 (daughter).

[Anne in CA]

Well, I have home schooled for fifteen years and I don't think that you can home school without some time to yourself. When my children were younger my dh and older dd cleaned up dinner and did the dishes and I went away from the whole family and did a hobby by myself. I started quilting. Later we had more room in a different house and I had a whole sewing room and older children and I had HOURS of alone time every day that I do not work.

 

As far as being on a team, if you want your children to play team sports you have to pay for the and do it separately whether or not they are in school no matter what sport you play, so of course they will be on teams if you value that. Even if you weren't thinking about sports they will still do activities where they act as a team, scouts, choir, drama camp, what ever your family values, they will work with other people as they do those things. You weren't thinking of staying home all day and never going anywhere or doing anything were you?

[I.Dup.]

I could definitely be classified as a "highly sensitive parent" and most likely have Asperger's, although I have not gone in for a diagnosis (yet). I have 6 children ages 11, 8, 6, 4, 3, and 1 and I am pregnant with #7 and due next month. If I can do this, so can you.

 

The great thing about homeschooling is that there are a million ways to do it. You don't have to recreate a classroom at home. You don't have to school for 6 or 8 hours a day. I would recommend making a list of reasons WHY you want to homeschool, if those reasons are strong enough, you will make it work.

 

Good luck!

[hunterhomeschool]

How old are your kids? There are plenty of ways for them to learn about teamwork etc as you mentioned. Think activities like Cub Scouts/GirlScouts, 4-H or City/County sports leagues, religious youth activites and so on.

 

I don't have the magic answer to your "me time" I guess... but is there another homeschool mom you could trade babysitting with on occassion... maybe to have time to shop for yourself or get your hair done or just have the day off? Another option might be having a relative do the homeschooling 1 day a week (or every 2 weeks or whatever works for you) on a day you normally do grocery/household shopping, so that you don't have to drag your kids along and listen to the "Mommy-I-Wants" all day.

 

I have an arrangement like that worked out with my mother, who recently moved to my area. Once every 2 weeks hubby gets paid from his work, the day after that I usually do my grocery shopping and pay bills and my mom watches my kids and homeschools the school-age ones( she's also my back up... the substitute teacher, just in case I were to get really sick or one of the kids were to get sick enough to go into the hospital like we experienced with my daughter this winter.) She also watches my toddler daughter (or sometimes my dad does) on nights that my sons have Cubscout meetings or 4-H club.

[kathkath]

Destination imagination is great for building teamwork.

[hunterhomeschool]

We are pretty new to homeschooling ourselves (though we after-schooled/summer schooled for years). We have 3 kids, a 20 month old dd, a 7 1/2 year old ds and a 9 1/2 year old ds (who has autism)... on top of that I'm a small farmer and a dog trainer. If I can do this, you probably can too.

[MrsH]

I also identify as highly sensitive, and while it can be difficult to get enough downtime, there are several strengths to it as well. I'm much more in tune w/ dd10 now that we homeschool, and I have a much better ability than most mothers I know to really sense the mood in the house and be proactive to keep it positive. Not all the time, mind you, but more than many of my friends.

 

To get enough downtime takes a LOT of discipline for me. I do enjoy being with my kids, and often try to sneak in an extra project or errand-run, rather than taking our after-lunch "rest hour." However, those are also the days that I totally crash by about 3pm, and I pretty much can't pull back from it until I get several hours to unwind at night. My kids have become remarkably aware of this need now, and will even suggest that maybe we "do rest hour so that you don't get cranky later, ok mommy?" It's not their responsibility, but they sure do notice the difference!

 

My eldest does two, 2-hour classes for school each week. Both have been wonderful. Next year, when I'll likely have all 3 kids home with me, we hope to join a local co-op that meets once a week for a full day. I will need to do certain duties, but they're definitely committed to making sure that moms get a few hours off during that day as well. I think that'll help me. Over the years, I've also found friends who aren't afraid to take my kids and give me a break. It's taken practice for me to take others' children, but now (with certain children!) it works well and makes for a great afternoon.

 

If you want to try homeschooling, definitely give some thought to how you'll get that quiet time as you get started, but also know that things will change as you get moving. Solutions will appear as you start doing it. Good luck!

[Scarlett]

Another HSP here. I have homeschooled my ds for 8 years. I get my alone time in the morning before ds wakes up and now that he is older when he goes to his dads for visitation.

 

It can be done. Socialization really just works itself out. Unless you plan to never leave the house.

[craftyerin]

I identify as an introvert, homeschooling at least 2 children who are NOT introverts and a third I can't tell about yet. I have found much encouragement recently from a series of posts on the Simple Homeschool blog. The author is an introvert, and has posted several times lately about how that affects her life as a homeschooling mom.

 

http://simplehomeschool.net/?s=introverted

[Kathy in Richmond]

I'm considering homeshooling my two kids next fall, but I have two questions that are nagging me. The first is a very real concern that I will get overwhelmed with homeschooling and being around my kids ALL the time. I get overwhelmed very easily if I don't get enough time to myself everyday - I'm a highly sensitive person which basically means that my nervous system is wired to pick up on everything all the time and it can be very stressful. That said, if I have enough time to myself during the day, I'm great. I also LOVE being with my kids and I do have extroverted tendencies if I've had enough "me" time.

 

Has anyone else had any experience homeshooling as a highly sensitive parent?

 

Raising my hand! You've described me perfectly.

 

I'm looking at this from the other end of the road. I brought my kids home from public school when my son was 11 and my daughter was 7. They're in college now, and I'm so, so very glad that I stuck it out through the years. Yes, it was challenging at times. I need 'space' when things get overwhelming, too. But you will find a rhythm that works for the three of you. Make that your priority the first year!

 

It helped me to accomplish most of the one-on-one teaching first thing every day. My son was the independent sort who preferred to be left alone to learn, but my daughter wanted me 24/7 most days, especially when she was elementary school age! I tried to give her my best school time in the morning. After lunch, the kids had quiet reading time, and I had an hour to think my own thoughts. Afternoons were reserved for projects, art, science, & extracurriculars. When my son reached middle school age & could be left home alone for an hour or two (he loves alone time to recharge as much as I do), I'd take my daughter on errands with me in late afternoon, since I didn't mind her chatterbox company while running through stores. :001_smile: You'll figure out what works for you, too. And I do want to add that overall, I found it MUCH less stressful overall to have them home and to be in charge of their schedules than I ever did when they were in school full time. If we all needed a day to recharge & do something different, take a field trip, play board games all day, read books all day, whatever,...we could do it guilt-free!

 

And it's paid off well in terms of relationships. We're all still close today and we still like each other very much. My kids have moved 3000 miles away, but they chose to live only a couple of miles apart from one another. I'm so glad for that relationship!

 

 

Secondly, I know the socialization issue doesn't necessarily have to be an issue, but someone brought it up today and it got me thinking. Their point is that if they only interact with kids for playdates, then they never get to experience what it means to work as a team and learn from the experience of problem-solving, brainstorming, etc. I'd love some thoughts on this.

 

Some group stuff my kids enjoyed over the years: chess team, Boy Scouts & 4H (Dh took responsibility for those two), church groups & service projects & retreats, dance team, art classes, MathCounts group, high school math team, piano recitals, tutoring (well, not a group, but valuable interaction nonetheless), lots of visits with the cousins & grandmas, summer camps galore. I'm probably missing some, too - we should have stayed home more. ;)

[PeterPan]

Their point is that if they only interact with kids for playdates, then they never get to experience what it means to work as a team and learn from the experience of problem-solving, brainstorming, etc.

 

Most people know NOTHING about homeschooling, so they say things like that. Our kids have access to so many group, co-operative, and team opportunities, they can't do them all! Around here:

 

-sports teams of all types, including synchronized skating, hockey, soccer, etc.

-Lego robotics teams

-National History Day group projects (yes ,homeschoolers do this and do exceptionally well!)

-debate clubs

-co-op classes including group projects like yearbook that of course require lots of give and take

-community orchestra and choir groups

-co-op drama group that puts on plays

 

Any more? It just goes on and on. People outside of homeschooling don't REALIZE how much is out there and how much homeschoolers do. What's unique about homeschooling is that it's not so sequestered by age. The whole socialization thing cracks me up. My dd was an only for almost 10 years, and during that time she had friends of lots of different ages. In fact, now, when I go about town I'm known as so-and-so's mother. For real. But we got out and did things and she got out and did things.

 

Don't let people fret you over stuff like that. There are more important things to wrangle with, like whether you have a game plan for getting all those adorable PICTURES you're going to take into photobooks or scrapbooked. :D

 

Don't let people worry you. Millions of people homeschool. (I say millions, but I haven't seen stats on that, sorry.) You need to go to a convention. Right now is the perfect time too, because a lot of states are ramping up with their conventions. Or at least connect with your local group and find out who all is out there, what they're doing, what there is to get connected with, etc. Some areas have less than others. Around here, we have a ton of homeschoolers.

[WTMCassandra]

Someone linked just last week to Susan Wise Bauer's video about "rest time" that everyone does in her home, even the high-schoolers. I hadn't seen it for a while, so it was good to be reminded:

 

 

Susan and her mom talk about the sanity-saving rest time in The Well-Trained Mind: 1-2 hours in the afternoon for quiet reading/rest/playing for each person in a separate space. It is a huge time-saver.

 

I'm a fairly sensitive person, and definitely an introvert. There are threads here regularly about strategies for introvert homeschool mom sanity. I lock myself in the RV a few weekends a year for lesson planning and general sanity. I also let my husband pretty much take over from dinner onward. When the children were younger, I always did the grocery shopping by myself. Heaven. And sometimes my husband would take the children to the park on a Saturday morning or long summer evening. And I would stay HOME by MYSELF.

[Mom2OandE]

I would say my personality is a lot like yours. I was very nervous that homeschooling could backfire. I'm pleased to say our first year went well and we are closer than ever. I've become more patient and I've learned to show a lot of grace especially to myself. There have been a few times where the kids were not listening and I was feeling overwhelmed. I quickly learned in those moments to embrace the relationships over my educational goals for the day. In those moments we've gone to see a movie, laid in bed all day, even run to Disney world for a few hours. Our favorite thing to do is swim. The kids get their energy out and I swim laps or just float with my. Eyes closed. You can do it! My dh is gone two thirds of the time as well so I really was nervous in the beginning.

[happymomofboys]

We know no other homeschoolers in our area. My kids don't have loads and loads of "socialization" opportunities. There is church, Awana, Scouts, martial arts and dance classes, recreational sports, etc. but we don't participate in much currently. You know what? They're still perfectly capable of problem solving, teamwork, and brainstorming! Set a couple of kids in front of a box of Legos and give them a challenge, then watch how well they can work as a team! Give them some popsicle sticks or cardboard and challenge them to build a bridge or a contraption for moving marbles or paper clips. Kids don't need a special environment to learn how to work together for a common goal. In fact, I would argue that collaboration skills are a natural part of family life and that the collaboration between age groups that happens at home is more natural than what happens in age-segregated classrooms. I remember having pods in school... 4 desks smooshed together and we were supposed to work as a team. Yeah right! All that meant was the smart ones in the group did all the work and the loud ones in the group took all the credit. :lol:

[serendipitous journey]

another HSP.

 

I am not a model of balance right now! and am not getting enough downtime for my wellbeing. I'm a bit frayed. My older child, A., is incredibly intense and structure-requiring; and for other reasons it is hard to get time away.

 

Kathy is right that this is LESS stressful than having him away from me in a B&M school. He is thriving. I don't have to interact with other parents & with his teachers. When he needs something I implement it. When he's not doing well I change something. It is demanding and terrific.

 

I will say that I require much less time than I used to; I have grown into this. Honestly Stoic philosophy has been so useful. Aurelius' Meditations (I am SO GLAD not to be running an empire! but like Marcus I have trouble sleeping. and relentless duties. :) ) Epictetus' writings. The popular book A Guide to the Good Life (which, however, deliberately leaves out ethics so as to make it more appealing -- I am so sorry about that). A relentless focus on what I can control vs. cannot; on what is possible vs. what isn't; on allowing feelings to flow through me without being attached to them ... this has made it doable.

 

and the rewards, even early in the game, are profound. But I'm definitely in a suck-it-up phase right now. :) <--- that's me being cheerful about the suck-it-upness.

 

ETA -- DH sweetly takes care of the children on Saturdays (unless he's traveling) which helps enormously. He usually gets them up Saturday morning so I can sleep later, and gets them out to bagels for breakfast, and takes them on a hike with his mother in the late AM. So there's some house-to-myself time for thinking or exercising or cleaning.

[Koerarmoca]

2 to 4 no feet on the floor. Everyday from 2 to 4 pm my kids are on beds. I have quite time boxes for dd 4&7 one for each day of the week with a few activities for them to do. The older two (11 & 14 year olds) usually finish up and work they didn't finish or read, sometimes dd14 does puzzles. Everyone uses the potty first and takes a water bottle.

 

Sometimes they even nap.

 

This gives me 2 hours everyday I usually clean for an hour and do what ever for the next hour. I do try to schedule things around the time to as far as outside appointments go.

 

As for socialization..not worried! my kids are big talkers, never have a hard time fitting into groups or team work.

[craftyerin]

Someone linked just last week to Susan Wise Bauer's video about "rest time" that everyone does in her home, even the high-schoolers. I hadn't seen it for a while, so it was good to be reminded:

 

 

Susan and her mom talk about the sanity-saving rest time in The Well-Trained Mind: 1-2 hours in the afternoon for quiet reading/rest/playing for each person in a separate space. It is a huge time-saver.

 

I'm a fairly sensitive person, and definitely an introvert. There are threads here regularly about strategies for introvert homeschool mom sanity. I lock myself in the RV a few weekends a year for lesson planning and general sanity. I also let my husband pretty much take over from dinner onward. When the children were younger, I always did the grocery shopping by myself. Heaven. And sometimes my husband would take the children to the park on a Saturday morning or long summer evening. And I would stay HOME by MYSELF.

 

Yes, this is KEY for my survival as a homeschool parent. We do mandatory kids-in-rooms rest time every afternoon from 1:30 to 3. I putter around, fold laundry, play online, watch Downton Abbey, crochet, read, you name it. Really, though. If we skip it, I'm FRIED and have a very hard time having any of me left for family time in the evening when DH comes home. like WTMCassandra, I run errands alone whenever possible, and my husband takes the kids out for a couple of hours almost every Saturday morning. I truly enjoy homeschooling and rarely feel overwhelmed to the point of wanting to quit, and I think we can attribute that mostly to the helps we've put in place to protect my energy level and emotional health.

 

eta: do make sure you watch the "part 2" of that video where SWB goes from room to room to see what her kids are doing during rest time. Cracks me up!

[Forgiven]

I hear you about needing "me" time. I always thought I needed "me" time because I'm an introvert and prefer to be alone. I have to have "me" time every single day or I lose it. I can't function. My brain does not work correctly. It's so strange, but I've realized it, and now make sure I get it. There are the occasional days when we're on-the-go, busy-busy, and I don't get my alone time. I'm not the nicest person in times like that. On those days, I turn off the music in the car and tell all the kids that I need alone time and that they need to be quiet. Yes, I'm driving a car, but it gives me enough alone time to not "lose" it for the moment. Not enough for my brain to function normally, but enough to get by for now--kwim?

 

On a normal day, I get alone time after school work has been completed. We have a mandatory reading time after all school work is finished. It's quiet and so, so nice! Then after reading, the kids have quiet time in their rooms. They can do anything they want in their rooms, they just have to be quiet and their doors have to be shut. They may go outside to play in our yard if they want, but they need to choose: outside or inside. Nothing bothers me more than the door opening and closing over and over again because they can't make up their minds as to whether they want to be inside or out. UGH!

 

I will sometimes take my alone time outside when it's nice out. I'll bring my Nook out and sit on the porch swing and read while the kids play in the yard. That's enough for me. It's not that I can't be around my kids, it's just that I need to be able to relax my mind and just "veg" out.

 

Oh, and I nap a lot. ;) I start work at 3:00 am (work from home), so by the time the afternoon rolls around, I'm exhausted. It's very common for my husband to come home and find me asleep on the couch with the kids sitting around me, creating messes. I always get that look: the look that pretty much tells me that he knows I've done nothing all day. Ugh. I do a lot with two full-time jobs (my work and homeschooling), so I try to ignore him as best as I can.

 

Anyway, it's doable, but you have to make sure you take the time. It sounds like you're like me--you NEED alone time. The first thing is to acknowledge that you need this. Then you just need to make the time. You can do it.

 

As for socializing and teamwork. My kids are active in community sports and stuff. They get teamwork and are active all over our community. They meet new kids all the time, both PS kids and homeschooled kids. I think their socialization is better than when they were in school (I pulled my oldest out after her 2nd grade year, my middle after his K year, and my youngest went to pre-school for 4-year-olds).

 

Best of luck to you!

[8filltheheart]

. Their point is that if they only interact with kids for playdates, then they never get to experience what it means to work as a team and learn from the experience of problem-solving, brainstorming, etc. I'd love some thoughts on this.

 

Thanks so much to everyone in advance for responding!

 

 

My question back to that person is what the heck are their kids playing? Goodness! Problem-solving and brainstorming should be normal experiences of kids interacting with other kids. Jeepers, it is absolutely ridiculous to reduce completely normal/natural interactions to "must be in an institutionalized environment" to achieve.

 

Do the kids build anything together? Play group games? Create their own games with their own rules? Create plays? Even my own kids are accomplishing "problem-solving" and "brain-storming" together every single day when they are deciding what to play and how to play it, who does what role or builds X part, etc.

 

Blech. Ummmm.....human beings were problem-solving and brain-storming together long before "formalized education" ever existed.

[Hedgehogs4]

I'm not sure about the HSP-thing...but I am easily overwhelmed. Sometimes being with my children all the time is overwhelming and tiring and I feel "mommied-out" and I tell my dh so. He steps in and gives me a break. I agree with a PP who said that if you need quiet time, work it into the daily schedule for everyone. Generally speaking my kids and I run off into our corners periodically through the day and get the space that we need, then we come back together. It is a nice little rhythm we have developed. We can't promise you that you won't be overwhelmed or stressed at times, but the goal is not to have a picture-perfect homeschool. It is to be with our children, loving, educating tem, and teaching them how to cope with life in a safe environment. It is important to keep the big picture in mind. The kids don't remember the "off" days, but they do cherish and remember the overall happy things that you do together and build into your life.

 

As for socialization, I had only to read that post on "corndogging" to understand that if this is what is going on in schools, then I'm happy for them not to be socialized in school. Sounds more like a zoo to me. My kids have great friends, are very well-behaved in public, have good manners, and can have wonderful conversations with adults as well as play nicely with children younger than themselves. Isn't that socialization?

[Scarlett]

That was a cool video by SWB. She really normalizes homeschooling.

[chaite]

Wow. Thank you SO much, everyone! This has been so helpful and I'm thrilled by all the people who can relate. Mostly, thank you for helping me realize that it's doable.

[briansmama]

My kids are 9 and 6 as well. I've found that I have so much more time to myself now that they are old enough to play outside in the afternoons on their own. We also implement an afternoon quiet time for an hour where everyone is in their own rooms. My boys usually use the time to build Legos and I read or rest. I always use this time to rest too.

 

Your kids are at great ages- do you have a kid-friendly neighborhood where they can play outside while you have downtime? I'd also strongly recommend afternoon quiet time for everyone. It's nice for my dc to get a break from each other every day too.

 

We participate in weekly park days, group activities, and field trips with our homeschool group, and there is quite a bit of problem solving going on in each of these. I will say that depending on where you live, it can be tough finding the right fit for a homeschool group, but even if you have to set up park days on your own others will come. It may take a bit of time, but it's really nice for our dc to have hours and hours of free play with other homeschooled kids each week.

[katilac]

Destination imagination is great for building teamwork.

 

 

That looks amazing. Have you ever participated?

[weederberries]

I'm very sensitive too. I need time to myself and time away from other people. It can be challenging at times, but we work through it. Get your husband involved in this task.

 

As for team work, you've got 2 kids. They'll be able to do many activities together and I suggest you plan it that way for your sanity.

 

In fact, it's Monday morning, which means my kids are all teamed up and working against me to get anything accomplished this morning. See how well they learn that lesson? ;)

[Punks in Ontario]

One thing you need to realize is that your kids are on a family team. As you clean the house,do schoolwork etc. You can model and facilitate good team work skills. As your kids learn that they're on the same team working for common goals they will gain skills either positively or negatively. You have a lot of control over this.

 

One thing we've done here is to allow them the privileged of having to share electronics, rooms etc. So they can practice problem solving and patience. If they argue or if I notice one child dominating, privileges get removed.

[Parrothead]

I get most of my time during the week when dd is at various lessons. This year she has 4 hours of dance a week. She also had 1.5-2 hours of drama club. We live downtown so even if I'm at home I'm only two blocks away from either venue.

 

If I need more I stay up later than everyone in the house.

 

What do you do to cope when the kids are on summer break?

[Mommy22alyns]

I'm probably HSP, definitely an introvert. I tend to let DH take over when he comes home while I take some alone time in my room. He gets to do the bedtime routines. He also takes Rebecca in to gymnastics so I can be alone. Sometimes he'll take the girls to a playground or the splash pad in summer.

[AmyontheFarm]

I get some alone time during D.E.A.R. time. DEAR stands for Drop Everything And Read. Dear lasts about an hour here, or until I get my sanity some days. It's the kids favorite time of the day. With you 6 year old, borrow from the library some audio books, or buy a subscription to something like http://www.raz-kids.com/ and let her go at her reading by herself.

[Lucy the Valiant]

My kids (9, 9, 7, 3) have quiet time most days; it's regularly scheduled and is my MIND-saver. It was hard work to train them to do it, but WORTH EVERY EFFORT! They actually look forward to it now, as they get to do virtually anything they want, as long as they are quiet - Legos, read, color, Polly Pockets, simple crafts (origami stuff), listen to audio books.

 

It really gives me a chance to reset, too - I used to think I was being selfish to need that, but in truth, it is best for EVERYONE if *I* have had that needed time to recoup and refresh. It's a win-win. And the kids are perfectly comfortable self-entertaining for that long, 5-6 days / week.