Help me stop being a yeller

[Mommy22alyns]

Pretty please? I know I do it, I know it's awful. I see posts from people who don't raise their voices and I have to admit that's just not true here. :( DH does it too. Please give me some practical ideas.

[Scarlett]

Pretty please? I know I do it, I know it's awful. I see posts from people who don't raise their voices and I have to admit that's just not true here. :( DH does it too. Please give me some practical ideas.

 

 

Fellow yeller here. :( I CONSTANTLY work on it.

 

Common suggestions really do help...1)think before opening my mouth 2) whisper (it gets their attention without yelling and makes me conscious of my voice) 3)recognize that my kid and step kids are just kids and it is my job to model proper behavior. 4)PRAYER! :)

[Little Nyssa]

Confession: I often yell too...

I think the only thing that convinces me not to, is my experience that if I say the exact same words I would have yelled in a normal tone of voice, I actually get the same results.

[Guest inoubliable]

Same here. I try really hard not to. :( My mom was a yeller. I KNOW it's pointless. As kids, we tuned her out as soon as she reached a certain decibel. I've gotten much better over the years, but I still lose it more often than I'd like to.

 

The whispering thing really does work, by the way. With my littles anyway. My oldest has caught on to just saying "I didn't hear you...". :glare:

[Dandelion]

I am a reformed yeller. I was raised by a yeller, who came from a long line of yellers herself. I say all that to let you know there is hope. :grouphug:

 

Here's what has helped me:

 

- Internalizing the fact that when parents yell, kids tune out. Once I really saw how counterproductive yelling actually is, it made it easier to stop. I always wanted to stop, but it was harder to stop as long as I actually believed that yelling might accomplish something.

 

- Taking a break when things get heated. If I feel I need a moment to compose myself before responding, I'll tell whichever child I'm dealing with (usually DS - things rarely get heated with DD) that I need a moment to think about whatever is going on.

 

- Actively listening to my kids instead of feeling like I need to respond right away. By asking more questions and really trying to understand why they're doing/saying what they are, I accomplish three things: (1) I make them feel heard and understood, which brings down the intensity of the situation dramatically, (2) I get a better understanding of the situation which helps me respond much more appropriately, and (3) I give myself time to calm down while I'm listening.

 

- I worked really hard on lowering my voice when I'm angry, instead of raising it. You have to keep reminding yourself to do this, but with practice, it can be done. It has the opposite effect of yelling. Kids tune out when you yell - but when you speak in a quiet, controlled fashion they listen intently.

 

HTH. You can do this! :)

[Stuart]

Me too:( I have tried to quit so many times. Thanks for the bump to try again. Dandelion thanks for assuring me I can success.

[Guest]

I know that I'm not a big yeller, because I have friends that I know are, but I sometimes speak a little louder than I'd like. ;)

 

I kept reading about how when you yell at your kid, it is actually counter-productive. You yell because you are upset and want a change. When you yell, they shut off. The more I read this, the more I noticed it! Yelling wasn't accomplishing anything! Just repeating to myself that it's pointless, has helped.

 

The other day I was really upset with ds. I haven't yelled in quite awhile, and I could feel my blood pumping. I think I said two words and then I told him to go to his room because I wasn't going to let myself get upset about it. That helped.

 

My daughter throws tantrums. I told her that she can't scream like that because people can hear that and think that something might be wrong. That has really made a difference in her tantrums and really helps her. Well, I realized I need to remember the same thing. People can hear yelling. (I know I've heard neighbors!)That's not good.

 

So, that's what's made a difference here, and it has made a difference. I've noticed a HUGE difference in the last few months. Yay!

 

Good luck, not an easy battle. :grouphug:

[Joanne]

Some ideas:

 

1. Become convinced that yelling is not simply a "communication style" or "family culture". Yelling is hitting with words. It is an assault. Or, at minimum, look for and stop using any justifying language about yelling.
   
2. Identify your triggers. Common ones are mess, noise, unexpected disruptions/changes, lack of sleep, blood sugar issues.
   
3. Once you identify your triggers, make specific plans to minimize them. That would be specific to your life and your triggers, but (if you were my client, for example), you can get help and ideas to make that happen.
   
4. Evaluate yourself and life for excellent, balanced self care.
   
5. Identify what makes you the most centered, including knowledge of yourself on the extrovert/introvert scale.
   
6. Evaluate yourself and DH for depression and/or screen addiction (or, for that matter, other addiction).
   
7. Increase joy, playfulness, and affection in your home. This accomplishes 2 complementary things - it helps you feel more loving and helps your kids act better. You will probably have to make it an intentional, on purpose program.
   
8. Know that learning to live happily with kids and family is a skill; it does not necessarily come naturally to people. You may need some help, support and guidance.
   
9. Be bold enough to give your kids some power and say through the use of a "code word". They can use that word when they feel yelled at, disrespected, and violated. The code word is code for "Mommy, I love you and I will try to be compliant, but I need you to talk to me in a different way first."
   

 

[Scarlett]

Some ideas:

1. Become convinced that yelling is not simply a "communication style" or "family culture". Yelling is hitting with words. It is an assault. Or, at minimum, look for and stop using any justifying language about yelling.

    

2. Identify your triggers. Common ones are mess, noise, unexpected disruptions/changes, lack of sleep, blood sugar issues.

    

3. Once you identify your triggers, make specific plans to minimize them. That would be specific to your life and your triggers, but (if you were my client, for example), you can get help and ideas to make that happen.

    

4. Evaluate yourself and life for excellent, balanced self care.

    

5. Identify what makes you the most centered, including knowledge of yourself on the extrovert/introvert scale.

    

6. Evaluate yourself and DH for depression and/or screen addiction (or, for that matter, other addiction).

    

7. Increase joy, playfulness, and affection in your home. This accomplishes 2 complementary things - it helps you feel more loving and helps your kids act better. You will probably have to make it an intentional, on purpose program.

    

8. Know that learning to live happily with kids and family is a skill; it does not necessarily come naturally to people. You may need some help, support and guidance.

    

9. Be bold enough to give your kids some power and say through the use of a "code word". They can use that word when they feel yelled at, disrespected, and violated. The code word is code for "Mommy, I love you and I will try to be compliant, but I need you to talk to me in a different way first."

 

 

 

 

So what if your trigger is a kid who won't follow through on his chores/tasks/assignments. Just a few minutes after typing my reply on this thread I found myself yelling at ds12! I quickly stopped it but yeah I just want the assignment completed without having to tell him 5 times.

[Neige]

Two books to recommend, both of which have helped me immensely in my communication with DS (I, too, come from a long line of yellers...):

 

- Parent Effectiveness Training by Thomas Gordon

- How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

 

PET, in particular, is full of practical and immediately applicable advice.

[Neige]

Just to add...I don't have a ton of time for my own personal reading, but both of these are available in audiobook format on Audible. I listened to them in the car while running errands. :)

[Dandelion]

Just had one other thought.

 

Another concept that really helped me put a stop to my yelling was the concept of the parent-child "dance". I learned about it in the book "Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child".

 

In a nutshell, the "dance" is the predictable sequence of events that happens between you and your child when your child does something you don't want him/her to do. Your child does "X", you react in a predictable way, your child reacts in a predictable way, and so on. If you start to analyze your interactions with your children, you'll probably be able to establish what your pattern, or dance, with each child is pretty easily. When I read about this several years ago, I saw the "dance" that DS and I were engaging in very clearly. And it always involved yelling on my part at some point. In order to create positive change, I had to interrupt that pattern that had been established. A big part of interrupting that pattern was to stop yelling.

[Garga]

I've yelled in the past. Then I read an article somewhere about a mom who said she couldn't stop yelling. The other person in the article asked her, "Really? You really canNOT stop yelling? Do you yell at the kids in the store? In front of your mother in law?"

 

The person admitted, "Well, I don't yell in public or in front of my MIL."

 

And the other person said, "So you are capable of not yelling. You are simply choosing to yell."

 

That hit me really hard. And whenever I would get ready to yell, I'd remember that article and think to myself, "If I were at the store, there's no way I'd yell." After a very short time, I stopped yelling.

 

Just throwing that out there. Maybe it'll help someone else.

 

[indigomama]

I heard a counselor at a MOPS group say once that he tells parents when they feel the urge to yell, to sit down. He said it is much more difficult to yell when sitting down looking up at your children, than standing over them. And he said, that most the time you will feel so silly for sitting on the floor, that the silliness of it will help diffuse the tension allowing you time to regain control.

[Mommy22alyns]

Some ideas:

1. Become convinced that yelling is not simply a "communication style" or "family culture". Yelling is hitting with words. It is an assault. Or, at minimum, look for and stop using any justifying language about yelling.

    

2. Identify your triggers. Common ones are mess, noise, unexpected disruptions/changes, lack of sleep, blood sugar issues.

    

3. Once you identify your triggers, make specific plans to minimize them. That would be specific to your life and your triggers, but (if you were my client, for example), you can get help and ideas to make that happen.

    

4. Evaluate yourself and life for excellent, balanced self care.

    

5. Identify what makes you the most centered, including knowledge of yourself on the extrovert/introvert scale.

    

6. Evaluate yourself and DH for depression and/or screen addiction (or, for that matter, other addiction).

    

7. Increase joy, playfulness, and affection in your home. This accomplishes 2 complementary things - it helps you feel more loving and helps your kids act better. You will probably have to make it an intentional, on purpose program.

    

8. Know that learning to live happily with kids and family is a skill; it does not necessarily come naturally to people. You may need some help, support and guidance.

    

9. Be bold enough to give your kids some power and say through the use of a "code word". They can use that word when they feel yelled at, disrespected, and violated. The code word is code for "Mommy, I love you and I will try to be compliant, but I need you to talk to me in a different way first."

 

 

 

 

I am severely depressed, treatment-resistant. DH is likely depressed too, but would never get medical help. We have some severe ongoing life issues that aren't going to be resolved anytime soon (we're talking years at least). I also have chronic insomnia.

[TammyS]

I heard a counselor at a MOPS group say once that he tells parents when they feel the urge to yell, to sit down. He said it is much more difficult to yell when sitting down looking up at your children, than standing over them. And he said, that most the time you will feel so silly for sitting on the floor, that the silliness of it will help diffuse the tension allowing you time to regain control.

 

 

If I sat on the floor while I was mad at my 14 year old (who is 6'6") I would get a crick in my neck and be tempted to kick him in the shins (being the only part of him I could see clearly at that distance). :eek:

[LucyStoner]

 

 

I am severely depressed, treatment-resistant. DH is likely depressed too, but would never get medical help. We have some severe ongoing life issues that aren't going to be resolved anytime soon (we're talking years at least). I also have chronic insomnia.

 

I have btdt with insomnia and depression. I seriously resisted getting help. I was being foolish and selfish. I started counseling, started working with a naturopathic doctor to address various lifestyle issues and taking care of myself better. I can't stress enough just how valuable this has been, even in the middle of big convergence of stressful life issues. I am not only happier and healthier, my kids are too and we are all much closer. I wasn't a big yeller, but I isolated myself in ways that weren't good for my family. if you want to change your behavior and communication choices, you need to be willing to overcome your resistance to seeking some help.

[Garga]

What does treatment resistant mean?

[Alte Veste Academy]

Pretend there is a hidden video camera in your house, constantly filming you. Better yet, actually film yourself. Picture that on the evening news or youtube.

[milovany]

Read some biographies of monastics and other Christian church saints. A good modern day one is called The Scent of Holiness. Go to confession with your priest regularly and be honest. Be around other people sharing your faith who are compassionate and working on their own failings, too. I don't know if these would apply to your beliefs, but these things have equally been what has helped me break this almost two decade old habit in the last couple of years.

[Joanne]

 

 

I am severely depressed, treatment-resistant. DH is likely depressed too, but would never get medical help. We have some severe ongoing life issues that aren't going to be resolved anytime soon (we're talking years at least). I also have chronic insomnia.

 

 

Like I tell my substance abuse clients, unless you treat these issues concurrently and ongoing, you will always be at risk for relapse.

 

it's the same with yelling. Yelling (and other less than optimal parenting) is often correlated with untreated/under treated mental health issues. Everyone's quality of life is being impacted chronically.

 

The "quick practical tips" you asked for won't stick without a foundation of health to build on.

[briansmama]

We are working on this here too. What really really helped:

Letting my 9yr old in on my plan- I told him I am trying to not raise my voice, even when he yells at me. Could he please remind me if/when he hears me begin to yell? Also, since I am working on not yelling at him, can he please work on not yelling at me?

 

It has worked really well here, but it has been a week.

[Mommy22alyns]

 

I have btdt with insomnia and depression. I seriously resisted getting help. I was being foolish and selfish. I started counseling, started working with a naturopathic doctor to address various lifestyle issues and taking care of myself better. I can't stress enough just how valuable this has been, even in the middle of big convergence of stressful life issues. I am not only happier and healthier, my kids are too and we are all much closer. I wasn't a big yeller, but I isolated myself in ways that weren't good for my family. if you want to change your behavior and communication choices, you need to be willing to overcome your resistance to seeking some help.

 

I am being treated and have been for years.

What does treatment resistant mean?

 

I've tried everything out there except actual brain surgery and I only ever get to the level of daily functioning.

 

Like I tell my substance abuse clients, unless you treat these issues concurrently and ongoing, you will always be at risk for relapse.

 

it's the same with yelling. Yelling (and other less than optimal parenting) is often correlated with untreated/under treated mental health issues. Everyone's quality of life is being impacted chronically.

 

The "quick practical tips" you asked for won't stick without a foundation of health to build on.

 

I am being treated and have been for many years.

 

 

I am NOT excusing myself; I know this is reprehensible. These are facts, not excuses.

[Kathryn]

Yeller here and I dislike it. I was mot raised by a yeller. Unfortunately, unlike the rest of humanity apparently, yelling is one of the only things that does work with DS. I've tried all those techniques to stop yelling and ended up with a child who tunes me out.

[Joanne]

I am being treated and have been for years.

 

 

I've tried everything out there except actual brain surgery and I only ever get to the level of daily functioning.

 

 

 

I am being treated and have been for many years.

 

 

I am NOT excusing myself; I know this is reprehensible. These are facts, not excuses.

 

 

There are 8 other needed and viable tips on my list.

[DianeW88]

I've yelled in the past. Then I read an article somewhere about a mom who said she couldn't stop yelling. The other person in the article asked her, "Really? You really canNOT stop yelling? Do you yell at the kids in the store? In front of your mother in law?"

 

The person admitted, "Well, I don't yell in public or in front of my MIL."

 

And the other person said, "So you are capable of not yelling. You are simply choosing to yell."

 

That hit me really hard. And whenever I would get ready to yell, I'd remember that article and think to myself, "If I were at the store, there's no way I'd yell." After a very short time, I stopped yelling.

 

Just throwing that out there. Maybe it'll help someone else.

Totally agree. Someone said something very similar to that in a parenting class my dh and I attended while I was pregnant with my first child. It just clicked with me. Yelling is a choice. If you don't yell at your child when you're mad at them in public, there is no reason you can't do the same in your home. It just requires effort. And sometimes duct tape. ;)

[Mergath]

Pretend there is a hidden video camera in your house, constantly filming you. Better yet, actually film yourself. Picture that on the evening news or youtube.

 

Yup, this is my technique. :D I'm not a yeller- not because I'm so wonderful, but because I tend toward sarcasm when I get really mad- but anytime I know that I'm drifting toward less than stellar parenting, I pretend (in my head, don't want people thinking I'm crazy, heh) I'm on a reality show, and that every snotty, stuck up woman I've ever met and couldn't stand is watching it. Usually does the trick.

[LucyStoner]

 

I am being treated and have been for many years.

 

I am NOT excusing myself; I know this is reprehensible. These are facts, not excuses.

 

I am sorry. When you said treatment resistant I thought that you were resistant to treatment, not that your symptoms were not responding to treatment. I misunderstood. Over a decade, on and off, I sought various treatments for PTSD, and it took a long time to find a pair of providers that were the best fit for me.

[caitlinsmom]

:grouphug: I know how you feel. I too am a yeller, suffer with depression and have life circumstances that make my stress level of the charts. I yell when I feel out of control. Noise puts me over the edge every time. The kids don't understand and can't manage an indoor voice to save their lives. I have good days and bad days depending on how high my anxiety level.

 

I am going to try some of these techniques mentioned as they might help.

 

You aren't alone.

[LucyStoner]

Be bold enough to give your kids some power and say through the use of a "code word". They can use that word when they feel yelled at, disrespected, and violated. The code word is code for "Mommy, I love you and I will try to be compliant, but I need you to talk to me in a different way first."

 

This is excellent advice. We have a family hand sign anyone can use to pause a conversation which is stressful and not headed in a good direction. It sounds dippy when I write it out like that but it works very well. My husband grew up with a lot of abuse and we both work not to replicate less than desirable behaviors. Taking even the shortest of breaks before things go totally south really helps turn things around and makes everyone be more thoughtful about what they say next.

[caitlinsmom]

 

This is excellent advice. We have a family hand sign anyone can use to pause a conversation which is stressful and not headed in a good direction. It sounds dippy when I write it out like that but it works very well. My husband grew up with a lot of abuse and we both work not to replicate less than desirable behaviors. Taking even the shortest of breaks before things go totally south really helps turn things around and makes everyone be more thoughtful about what they say next.

 

I like that idea. When we have family meeting we have a silly paper fan that I quickly drew a face on and the kids named Eric. Whenever someone is holding Eric, no one else is allowed to talk. That person is able to have complete attention to say/feel however they feel. If they do not want feedback, just want to be heard, then they preface their comments with "listen only". It's worked really well to keep the blame game to a minimum during family meetings.

[AKshanmar]

If it is any comfort... I haven't yelled at my kids since they all became teenagers!

If we can't count our kid's bad behavior as "stages", we can do the same thing with our bad behavior too, right?

[Chelli]

Yeller here and I dislike it. I was mot raised by a yeller. Unfortunately, unlike the rest of humanity apparently, yelling is one of the only things that does work with DS. I've tried all those techniques to stop yelling and ended up with a child who tunes me out.

 

This is me and my kids. I ask nicely. I ask politely. I talk in a normal tone of voice. I try the whisper technique.

 

Nothing. It's like I'm not on the right frequency.

 

But the minute I raise my voice and get loud. They stop, look, listen, and do.

 

I'm not sure what the answer is to that.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Chelli, you've trained them to do that. You'll have to train them not to. It'll be easier with Magpie and Monkey who you can more easily lead in the right direction, even physically if necessary. But even with Chipette....Hand her a rag as you tell her to clean the bathroom if she doesn't go immediately on her own. "Once you have finished your math, you may _______ (whatever it is outside of breathe and potty she wants to do)." "What time will you have this done by?"

 

I actually do okay on those things. I have a lot more trouble on surprises, especially if dangerous, injurious, scary, whatever.

I do think that keeping things, internally and externally, better regulated normally helps.

[Mommy22alyns]

 

 

 

There are 8 other needed and viable tips on my list.

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks, Joanne. I am appreciative of your input.

 

I am sorry. When you said treatment resistant I thought that you were resistant to treatment, not that your symptoms were not responding to treatment. I misunderstood. Over a decade, on and off, I sought various treatments for PTSD, and it took a long time to find a pair of providers that were the best fit for me.

 

 

 

Thanks for your understanding.

[Tammyla]

:iagree: I'm not a yeller, but grew up in a home with them, and always knew it wasn't what I wanted to do or be. I agree with Joann's list, esp that it's hitting with words.

[Pamela H in Texas]

I really think accountability within the family helps.

We have a code word: Rapunzel

It means "help." Anyone can call it on anyone.

It could mean, "I need help," "May I help you?" "Let me help this other person"

whatever.

[Zebra]

I would classify myself as a reformed yeller. Although, I've never yelled at my kid.

 

Both of my parents were yellers, and messed up, and it really messed me up. There's a difference between sometimes yelling and not being able to get through anything together as a family without it erupting into screaming. And that's what I grew up in, there wasn't a day that went by, that someone wasn't pitching a complete fit. When we were little my siblings and I would hide behind the couch while my parents went at it, and as we got older everyone was screaming. I know it's not being beaten, but let me tell you, I am still dealing with this. I didn't realize how unhealthy and harmful this was until I got completely out of it.

 

I was lucky because I married a man who never saw yelling in his family, and was appalled when my family finally let their guard down and started yelling in front of him like insane people. I learned by being married to him that we could work things out without screaming our heads off at each other. It took awhile. Heated discussions yes, but insults and threatening and screaming back and forth for hours is not okay.

 

I was terrified to have children because I thought I would act like my parents. But, I simply refuse to act like them. I just make a point to control myself. If I have to walk off, or count to 10 or whatever, I do it. I just won't do this to my daughter. And it definitely helps to have my DH be so calm. I guess like anything else you just have to start making a deliberate effort to stop it. You can stop yourself mid-yell even, or just vow to not do it the next time. :grouphug:

[Alexigail]

Check out ahaparenting.com for help with yelling. Then again, I think it's a pretty universal problem among parents. :)

[kewb]

I struggle with yelling, too. I have to admit that now that I have been exercising regularly for a month now I yell less. I have more energy and more patience. I still lose my temper and I still yell but I seem better able to get it under control at times.

[dirty ethel rackham]

I come from a family of yellers. For me as a recipient, it was the same as hitting. A couple of things that helped me break the cycle ...

• Reframing behavior. I had to purposefully look at their behavior as either age appropriate (but not acceptable,) or as a cry for help. When I stopped looking at it as a way to "get me", I was able to take myself out of the equation and not take things personally and, most of all, not get angry. When I began to understand a behavior as age appropriate (but again, not desirable), I looked for ways to set up boundaries so that they wouldn't get to this point or teach them a better alternative. When it was a cry for help (hunger, tiredness, frustration, fear), I was able to get to the bottom of it and treat the real issue and help them learn better behaviors.
  
• Remind myself that I need to TEACH more and PUNISH less. Yelling is punishment - not necessarily effective.
  
• Remind myself that I am modeling behavior and ask myself it I want them to copy this.
  
• Extend grace. I am far from perfect and I needed to stop expecting everyone around me to not screw up.
  
• For me, yelling is often me feeling out of control. I needed to take charge of the things in my life that made me feel out of control. Sleep, food, exercise, health issues, attitude issues.
  

My favorite parenting books that helped change my way of thinking ... Kids are Worth It by Barbara Colorosso, How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk by Faber and Mazlish, The Discipline Book by William Sears, Loving Your Child is Not Enough: Positive Discipline That Works by Nancy Samalin.

 

Oh, and our own Joanne's Get Off Your Butt parenting website has a bunch of practical tips.

[Zebra]

I come from a family of yellers. For me as a recipient, it was the same as hitting. A couple of things that helped me break the cycle ...

• Reframing behavior. I had to purposefully look at their behavior as either age appropriate (but not acceptable,) or as a cry for help. When I stopped looking at it as a way to "get me", I was able to take myself out of the equation and not take things personally and, most of all, not get angry. When I began to understand a behavior as age appropriate (but again, not desirable), I looked for ways to set up boundaries so that they wouldn't get to this point or teach them a better alternative. When it was a cry for help (hunger, tiredness, frustration, fear), I was able to get to the bottom of it and treat the real issue and help them learn better behaviors.

• Remind myself that I need to TEACH more and PUNISH less. Yelling is punishment - not necessarily effective.

• Remind myself that I am modeling behavior and ask myself it I want them to copy this.

• Extend grace. I am far from perfect and I needed to stop expecting everyone around me to not screw up.

• For me, yelling is often me feeling out of control. I needed to take charge of the things in my life that made me feel out of control. Sleep, food, exercise, health issues, attitude issues.

 

My favorite parenting books that helped change my way of thinking ... Kids are Worth It by Barbara Colorosso, How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk by Faber and Mazlish, The Discipline Book by William Sears, Loving Your Child is Not Enough: Positive Discipline That Works by Nancy Samalin.

 

Oh, and our own Joanne's Get Off Your Butt parenting website has a bunch of practical tips.

 

 

This is really good. I think the bottom line is to stop and look at things objectively, and not just instantly react emotionally. Which is hard to do, but you can definitely retrain yourself.

[tabinfl]

I have the most difficulty when my kids are already yelling at each other or making noise some other way, and I'm trying to get them away from each other / the hot stove / something they're about to break / etc.

 

It seems like raising the volume above theirs is the only way to get them to STOP and listen. The problem happens when I forget to turn down my volume once I have their attention.

[Mommy22alyns]

Were your parents yellers?

 

(edited...I guess I need to brew more coffee!)

 

 

Oh yes, especially my mom. And I hate that I yell for that very reason.

[TGHEALTHYMOM]

Thanks for being honest.

I remember being very angry when I was a young mother, and one day I was pushing the stroller and letting my 3 year old walk beside me for one of our walks. I put his kid tape player on top of the Stroller and listened to a FOF tape: "God Uses Cracked Pots"

by Patsy Clairmont. This was what helped me realize that I needed help, and fast.

 

I found a wonderful group and worked through a workbook/ reading book. It related to my problems deeply. Still I needed more, because I was physically and sexually abused as a child and teen. I had alot of hatred of self, anger at God, and anger at my abusers. Resentment was eating me up.

 

Healing can come, in spurts, or much at one time. Still, wounds remain. Only the final healing of DEATH, will wipe it all away.

For me, I know I have to have a daily plan. Sometimes it is minute by minute.

 

One book that helped me too is : "She's Gonna Blow!"

[Joanne]

Thanks for being honest.

I remember being very angry when I was a young mother, and one day I was pushing the stroller and letting my 3 year old walk beside me for one of our walks. I put his kid tape player on top of the Stroller and listened to a FOF tape: "God Uses Cracked Pots"

by Patsy Clairmont. This was what helped me realize that I needed help, and fast.

 

I found a wonderful group and worked through a workbook/ reading book. It related to my problems deeply. Still I needed more, because I was physically and sexually abused as a child and teen. I had alot of hatred of self, anger at God, and anger at my abusers. Resentment was eating me up.

 

Healing can come, in spurts, or much at one time. Still, wounds remain. Only the final healing of DEATH, will wipe it all away.

For me, I know I have to have a daily plan. Sometimes it is minute by minute.

 

One book that helped me too is : "She's Gonna Blow!"

 

 

I have read Patsy, not MY thing but she does reach many readers.

 

I had forgotten about She's Gonna Blow! Good book.

 

When Anger Hurts Your Kids is another.

 

[gingersmom]

Just don't do it.

 

My mother will admit to very little, but she admits with much regret to yelling for at least the first 15 years of my life.

 

I grew up knowing I would never be like my mother and yell at my kids. Its just an awful thing.

[*********]

Yup, this is my technique. :D I'm not a yeller- not because I'm so wonderful, but because I tend toward sarcasm when I get really mad- but anytime I know that I'm drifting toward less than stellar parenting, I pretend (in my head, don't want people thinking I'm crazy, heh) I'm on a reality show, and that every snotty, stuck up woman I've ever met and couldn't stand is watching it. Usually does the trick.

 

 

Mergath, this is sorta similar to what I do.

 

For me, it clicked when I was saved. The Lord can and does see everything I do. I don't want him to see me yelling at my child; the thought makes me ashamed. This is what cured me of yelling. Well, mostly. I still slip up occasionally; I'm not perfect.

 

My parents were yellers, too. I didn't tune them out when they yelled; I got scared. Mostly because it meant I was about to be belittled and/or hit. My parents yelling at me made me feel unheard, unloved, and like I was just a constant irritant to my parents, when all I ever wanted was to feel validated, special, and cherished by them. Remembering how it made ME feel as a child also helps me not to do it to my children. I also apologize to my children every single time I slip and yell at them. I want them to know it is never ok for Mommy to yell at them out of anger.

 

Really, it's a lot like breaking any bad habit. Be aware, want to change, find the motivators that work for you, and stick with it.

[Zebra]

I just want to add, that I think it's really great that you are seeing this and wanting to change it. I think it's very admirable.

[Mommy22alyns]

I just want to add, that I think it's really great that you are seeing this and wanting to change it. I think it's very admirable.

 

 

 

Thanks, I really appreciate that. I love my girls more than anything and want to be the best mom I can possibly be. I'm sure most moms do. :)