Anyone else have a bio child who doesn't resemble you...

[SKL]

 

Maybe I am overreacting. I just get annoyed with perfect strangers asking personal questions.

 

I do agree that it's a foolish question to ask. As more families become "diverse," hopefully this line of questioning will die out.

[Kirch]

With our boys, we've always joked that we have his & hers--ds1 looks just like me, while ds2 is dh's mini-me. We haven't gotten rude comments, but we do get people commenting that "he looks just like you & his brother looks like your dh" a lot when we're out together. Dd we're still not sure about, although right now she seems to favor my side of the family.

 

Funny story--once when ds1 was 3, dh had taken him to Wal-Mart alone. At the time, Ds was really starting to process the idea that people could be in different places doing different things at the same time.He'd often talk about ds2 and whoever else he wasn't with missing him. Well, this day was different. They were walking down the aisle at WM when ds pipes up with, "My mommy doesn't know where I am!" And of course, there was a lady right there who looked very concerned and gave dh a nasty glare. Sure enough, a few minutes later he was approached by security. Thankfully, at that point ds was clinging to him and calling him "daddy," so it was clear he belonged to dh. Still, it could have been BAD! I told dh later that he needed to make sure he kept a family pic in his wallet!

[sbgrace]

We have fraternal twins. One looks very much like my husband. I think he might have a touch of me in his smile but the mouth structure is still dad's so it's hard to see.

 

Both my husband and I have brown hair and brown eyes. My husband's parents and siblings have brown hair and eyes too. So I never dreamed I wouldn't have a brown eyes, brown hair child.

 

I have a blue eyed, blond 8 year old! He really doesn't look much like me. I do see my sister in him I think in some ways but not in others. I think he takes after a variety but only on my side of the family in terms of looks. Interestingly, in personality the kids take more after opposite sides as their looks. People do comment but not in the way you're experiencing. They more comment on how different they are and how the one child looks so much like his daddy. Often they then hastily add and the other looks like me...but he doesn't! I think it's just a foot in the mouth thing.

 

As my boys have gotten older we've talked a lot about the interesting genetics that made one of us blue eyed. He didn't want blue eyes for a long time so we made a big deal about how unique it was that he inherited them (turns one of my husband's great grandparents had blue eyes; I have a blue eyed parent). He knows where they "came from" in a general sense anyway.

 

My sister and her husband have 4 kids. All the kids look very much alike, with identical noses, and they really look nothing like their parents. They don't have a strong solid resemblance to either side of the family and no one knows where the nose came from. Heck, there are twins where the two children appear to be different races! Genetics are so interesting. It sounds like the people talking to you have no clue and no tact to boot. I just can't imagine asking questions about a child's parentage! I don't think you're over-reacting. I would find it beyond annoying myself.

 

Actually, if you get this a lot I'd have a way to address it. In other words if someone is rude enough to ask questions like that they can listen to my "excited" explanation of the genetics that gave my son blue eyes. Isn't that beyond cool! It would send my son a message and maybe they would think twice next time. Ick.

[texasmama]

I am light brown haired with brown eyes. Dh is dark brown haired with brown eyes. We have one child who has blond hair and blue eyes. It looks like we picked up a random kid off a street corner to come live with us. However, no one ever asks if he was adopted. His close in age brother is brown haired and brown eyed, with different facial features and physical build. They don't even look related. However, both dh and I have blue eyed relatives, quite a few of them.

[mrseshaw]

Our son has super kinky curly blonde hair, blue eyes, light complexion. Im Hispanic...lighter olive skin, dark straight hair, and brown eyes. We look nothing alike!

 

On the subway and at story time at the library I've been asked "are you the nanny?"

[Alice]

I've just always explained to ds that red hair is not that common and that's why people always comment about it. I also pointed out to him that he knows he gets the red hair from daddy's genes because daddy's sisters have red hair and lots of freckles too as does one of his cousins.

 

I think it's funny when people ask him directly where he got his hair from he shrugs and says, "I was born with it." That makes people chuckle.

 

 

 

 

This was me. My parents have brown hair, my Dad’s is very dark. Both have brown eyes. My paternal grandparents and cousins all had blond hair and blue eyes (well, except for my Dad’s Mom who was dark but she died when he was 18 so people kind of forgot, he looked like her and the rest of the family looked like his Dad). My maternal family had brown hair and brown eyes. I have red hair and green eyes and tons of freckles. I was truly the only red-head for generations. (Out of curiosity they went back and looked and found a Civil War POW whose papers said he had red hair on one side. On the other we don’t know where it came from but we don’t have good records as that side fled Russia during the Communist Revolution.)

 

I used to get really tired of people asking me “Where did you get your pretty red hair?†For awhile I went through a snarky preteen period where I’d say “on sale†or “at Sears†or even “from the mailman†if I was feeling particularly full of my adolescent self. I’m not saying those were appropriate answers to adults but just the way I dealt with it.

 

I never felt like I belonged less to the family but I did get tired of the hair comments. There is something about red hair that makes people comment.

 

My husband is Chinese-American. None of our kids really look like either of us. They do look alike though which helps them probably. I do have people make comments, usually it’s asking if they are “mixed†and usually I find out that the person asking either has mixed-race kids themselves or is mixed-race themself and is curious. I did have one rude woman ask me once on the playground in front of the boys if they had different fathers which was weird since they look very much alike, just not like me.

 

To the OP, I’d say it’s good to just help your son to learn how to answer the questions and sympathize when he gets tired of them. My parents taught me early on the basics of genetics and how a red-haired person could be born from two brown haired people.

[lynn]

My oldest is blond hair,blue eyes. I have been questioned several times. A lot of "He can not be your child?!"

[Anne in CA]

I have dark brown hair and so does dh. We have a lot of Scottish and Irish in our family and two of my girls (one with dh) have strawberry blond/red hair. You wouldn't imagine the incredibly rude comments about their parentage. Some of those from family. >.<

 

I will say they often change hair color as they grow, though. I was blond until 4th grade!

 

 

 

Our family too. Dd looked nothing like me until she was about 10, and now at 13 she looks A LOT like me. She did not look much like dh or I until her hair got darker, and her facial features lost baby fat. My Scottish grandmother had white blond hair all her life, but I think she was the only natural blond that stayed blond in my family on either side.

[Anne in CA]

I also want to say that we have family friends who are latino and some how gave birth to a blue eyed dd. You never know what genes lurk, lol.

[NotSoObvious]

Well, we have the opposite experience. My adopted girls look JUST like us.

 

The dentist asked one dd where she got her curly hair (I have straight hair). I always get tense because I don't want her to feel uncomfortable, but she looked at the dentist and said, "Naturally!" She didn't skip a beat.

[mumto2]

As someone who was the kid who did not look like her much older than normal parents, when someone asks comment that genetic are amazing and he looks just like granpa. Then show him pictures of you pregnant when you get home.

 

My parents did not know how much people asking upset me. I never saw the one pregnant picture of my mom until I was much older. I honestly did not care if I was adopted it was a case of I did not want to be lied to. I was thrilled when an uncle that I saw rarely commented that I looked like him as a teen. Huge relief--especially when the adults agreed.

[butterflymommy]

Yes-- one of our daughters looks nothing like either of us. Face shape, nose hair, eyes. We've never been asked if she's adopted though.

[HS Mom in NC]

OP here...if DS truly ever doubts his heritage, I will hand him a photo of my dad as a boy. Spitting image. My dad's hair didn't darken so it wouldn't be a total surprise if DS stays blond. I can see these comments making him wonder if they keep up as he gets older, and I just don't want him to feel bad.

 

Maybe I am overreacting. I just get annoyed with perfect strangers asking personal questions.

 

 

 

Yes, it can be annoying when strangers ask personal questions, but how you react to the question will send a message to your child. Think about the unspoken message your reaction sends your child and anyone else listening. Are they picking up negative attitudes about other kinds of families by watching you get upset? Or are they learning, by your reaction, that there are other kinds of families different than your family that are perfectly fine? Young children are not likely to pick up on the difference between you reacting to a question that is too personal for your level of relationship and you reacting to an accusation that you did something bad.

 

Is there something wrong with children who are not biologically related to their parents through adoption or being a step-child?

Is there something wrong with a woman and her child, abandoned by the child's father and loved by her new husband who has or hasn't adopted the child and may or may not have more children with her?

Is there something wrong with a couple who had a child, broke up, a new man married mom, and now everyone has an amicable relationship?

What about the rare child who is the product of promiscuous parents and mom has a new man? Should that child get a negative emotional reaction?

What about the child who doesn't know yet that (s)he is a product of rape and mom chose to keep the baby and now has a husband and more children?

 

If there is nothing wrong with those kids in those scenarios, then why would anyone respond with anything other than a matter of fact tone of voice that no, that's not your scenario? What matters more? How the adults in the situation feel or how the children feel? If I get upset when someone asks about my adopted child and her ethnic background I'm sending her a message of shame even if that's not my intention. If I beam with pride and say, "Yes, she's adopted." or "Yes, she's Korean." I'm teaching her to be comfortable in her own skin. If my older two hear me say with joy, "Oh no, they're not adopted, they're my biological kids." the unspoken message is that there's nothing offensive about being mistaken for being adopted or acknowledging different traits in biological relatives.

 

All you have to say about your son is, "That's the kind of gorgeous we got from ( fill in family member here )'s genes. " or "That's the kind of gorgeous you get when you mix (fill in your ethnic background) with (fill in the child's father's background) ." Or for mixed race people with a light parent and a dark parent, "That's the kind of gorgeous you get when you put a little mocha in the latte." Then wink flirtatiously.

[catz]

Yes, it can be annoying when strangers ask personal questions, but how you react to the question will send a message to your child. Think about the unspoken message your reaction sends your child and anyone else listening. Are they picking up negative attitudes about other kinds of families by watching you get upset? Or are they learning, by your reaction, that there are other kinds of families different than your family that are perfectly fine? Young children are not likely to pick up on the difference between you reacting to a question that is too personal for your level of relationship and you reacting to an accusation that you did something bad.

 

Is there something wrong with children who are not biologically related to their parents through adoption or being a step-child?

Is there something wrong with a woman and her child, abandoned by the child's father and loved by her new husband who has or hasn't adopted the child and may or may not have more children with her?

Is there something wrong with a couple who had a child, broke up, a new man married mom, and now everyone has an amicable relationship?

What about the rare child who is the product of promiscuous parents and mom has a new man? Should that child get a negative emotional reaction?

What about the child who doesn't know yet that (s)he is a product of rape and mom chose to keep the baby and now has a husband and more children?

 

If there is nothing wrong with those kids in those scenarios, then why would anyone respond with anything other than a matter of fact tone of voice that no, that's not your scenario? What matters more? How the adults in the situation feel or how the children feel? If I get upset when someone asks about my adopted child and her ethnic background I'm sending her a message of shame even if that's not my intention. If I beam with pride and say, "Yes, she's adopted." or "Yes, she's Korean." I'm teaching her to be comfortable in her own skin. If my older two hear me say with joy, "Oh no, they're not adopted, they're my biological kids." the unspoken message is that there's nothing offensive about being mistaken for being adopted or acknowledging different traits in biological relatives.

 

All you have to say about your son is, "That's the kind of gorgeous we got from ( fill in family member here )'s genes. " or "That's the kind of gorgeous you get when you mix (fill in your ethnic background) with (fill in the child's father's background) ." Or for mixed race people with a light parent and a dark parent, "That's the kind of gorgeous you get when you put a little mocha in the latte." Then wink flirtatiously.

 

:hurray: Brilliant. I was thinking about this post and wanted to come back and say it really is all about the parent's reaction to questioning along these lines. If it's a non-issue to you in conversation, it'll be a non-issue to them later. My kids got the hair color, fair skin (I'm more olive toned) questions all the time when they were younger. My older son's eye color changed until he was 3. This sort of discussion has never been an issue for them. I had a few nice pat answers, did my internal eye roll, and moved on with my day. When they were a little older, we did pull out some punnet squares. They're looking more like they belong to me as they get older.

[sparrow]

I am an adoptee and it always made me feel great when my mom answered the oft asked, "Where did she get those blue eyes?" with, "I don't know, but aren't they beautiful?" She didn't feel she needed to add more.

 

On the other hand, we also didn't correct people when they commented how much we looked alike, because despite our differences in coloring, our height and mannerisms are apparently very similar :).

 

I wouldn't worry too much about the things strangers say.

[mlbuchina]

Dd9 looks like her dad, and takes after his side of the family more than mine. She is dark complected with brown hair and blue eyes, and a more athletic build. Dd 7 takes after my side of the family, and doesn't look like dh's family at all. She is fair skinned with blond hair and blue eyes, and is tall and slender. I have never had anyone ask if they were my biological children, but I have had people be surprised that they were sisters. They look like opposites, and their personalities are opposite of each other, too. :)

 

My husband is dark complected with brown hair and brown eyes (blue eyes are in his family), and I am fair with light brown hair and blue eyes.

[MedicMom]

I just want to clarify that there is nothing wrong with families that aren't biologically related, and that my DS will have close exposure to that--his cousins are being raised by a step dad, and he will most likely have adopted siblings(I am now infertile and we will pursue adoption), perhaps siblings from another ethnicity.

 

My concern is what some other posters have brought up--feeling different when strangers make comments, secretly wondering if there is something their parents haven't told them, etc. Several other posters have expressed this better than I can.

 

For now he is 2.5. I have explained to him that not all families look alike and that looks do not make a family, love does. This seems like a simple and age appropriate explanation right now. To the strangers I usually say he looks like his grandpa and leave it at that.

 

Honestly the comments just really annoy me. This started two days after he was born when my grandmother asked me if it was possible that there was a baby switch at the hospital.

[HS Mom in NC]

Children are very likely to take on the emotions they see their parents experiencing.

 

 

Yep. People make annoying comments. When they know you adopted some will ask things like, "Did you adopt because of fertility issues?" or "So are you infertile or is your husband?" Uh, I don't usually discuss the medical condition of my reproductive organs or my husband's reproductive organs with people I don't know...or with many of the people I do know either. If I let it bother me beyond the moment it happens, then they've got space rent free in my head. No thanks. I'll go on having a good day no matter what anyone says and not let it bother me.

[sparrow]

I just want to clarify that there is nothing wrong with families that aren't biologically related, and that my DS will have close exposure to that--his cousins are being raised by a step dad, and he will most likely have adopted siblings(I am now infertile and we will pursue adoption), perhaps siblings from another ethnicity.

 

My concern is what some other posters have brought up--feeling different when strangers make comments, secretly wondering if there is something their parents haven't told them, etc. Several other posters have expressed this better than I can.

 

For now he is 2.5. I have explained to him that not all families look alike and that looks do not make a family, love does. This seems like a simple and age appropriate explanation right now. To the strangers I usually say he looks like his grandpa and leave it at that.

 

Honestly the comments just really annoy me. This started two days after he was born when my grandmother asked me if it was possible that there was a baby switch at the hospital.

 

I think your son may be more likely to react because he senses it annoys you. You will definitely need to prepare for lots of comments if you adopt. My kids were born in Korea. I've had people want to push the, "Are they brother and sister?" question. I simply say, "Yes". I don't need to offer any more information and they don't need to know. It has gone so far as to have people do the wink-wink, "You know what I mean" and to that I answer, "Yes, I do." That's it.

 

Show your son pictures of grandpa, and tell him how much he looks like him as a boy, but don't let him see you react to the comments of strangers. Our kids don't necessarily *look* like anyone in the family, but we make sure to tell them how similar their personality is to so and so and how grandpa used to do that as a boy, too. You get the drift :).

 

:grouphug: Stranger (and family!) comments can definitely be irritating!

[2squared]

I was thinking about this post and wanted to come back and say it really is all about the parent's reaction to questioning along these lines. If it's a non-issue to you in conversation, it'll be a non-issue to them later.

 

I think this is the approach to take. As a parent, you will hear many annoying comments over the years. Your approach is what the kids will remember, not the other person's comments. It's really not different than people making comments about how busy I am or how Full my hands are. I just agree with a smile and move on. I could take offense and get annoyed, but why? Why let someone else have that impact on our lives? I certainly don't want my kids to think negatively about the size of our family.

 

When I get comments about my kids' unique coloring, I agree with a smile. My blondies don't look anything like dh or I. They know it, and we treat their unique coloring as a special blessing just for them. We treat my dark complected kid the same way.

 

On a related note, my fair skinned, blue-eyed daughter wishes she had my dark haired, dark-eyed daughter's coloring and vice versa. The grass is always greener, isn't it?

[skeeterbug]

Our children all look so much alike and just like DH that when we were considering having a 4th child, I was honestly concerned that if we did, that baby would come out looking exactly like me and it would be like one of those four-square situations on Sesame Street. "One of these things is not like the others. Which one is different? Do you know?" I worried that kid would get a complex.

 

I might end up with this, but it would be our oldest that's different. Fortunately he looks the most like us so I hope it won't ever bother him. My younger two look like each other but less like us. Next one is on the way, I'm hoping baby will look like our oldest! Really it doesn't matter, just would be fun if it works out that way.

[KungFuPanda]

If your kids have red hair, do try to get them to the point where they're not upset about being noticed. People ALWAYS notice red hair. Even as an adult I get AT LEAST a comment a week on my hair. It's just part of life with red hair.

[AndyJoy]

If your kids have red hair, do try to get them to the point where they're not upset about being noticed. People ALWAYS notice red hair. Even as an adult I get AT LEAST a comment a week on my hair. It's just part of life with red hair.

 

 

So true! My normally proper 85-year-old grandma could not resist distracting my friend's adorable 3-year-old redhead at church. She kept smiling at her, touching her curls, playing peek-a-boo, whispering to us about how cute she was, etc. It was so odd to watch her transform from her usual frowning self to this goofy person! My mom was so embarrassed but it was kind of sweet, too.

[lea_lpz]

My son is blond with green eyes and my dh and I are both Mexican Americans with dark hair and medium / Mediterranean type skin. My eyes are hazel green but dh's are dark brown. MIL is fair skinned and blond and my father is White (my mom is Mexican). So we know where he got his coloring and so not shocked. I get a lot of, "is your husband White?". My dh on the hand has actually been asked who's baby he's holding and gets more looks than myself. He's a tad darker skinned then me. My dd is about my coloring, except her hair is lighter brown and my dss is much darker than all of us. His mother is also Mexican American but has more indegenous features. Sometimes for fun I just say they are all out to see the way people gawk. When we are out and about alone, I am sure it appears that I have 3 baby daddies. Given I am 28, with an 8, 5, and 3 year old in tow, I guess that sounds about right ;)

[lilypoo]

I don't understand how people can be so rude!

 

I don't really have this problem, as everyone says my daughters look just like me and my sons like dh. Although I feel like I see some of dh in each of the kids (some more than others). I have dark green eyes and brown hair, dh has brown eyes and brown hair...we have two brown-haired girls, one with light green/blue eyes and one with dark hazel eyes. And then we have two blonde, blue-eyed boys.

 

But since we have a 6 year gap between child #2 and child #3, I've repeatedly been asked if my first two kids and last two kids have different dads--they don't. That's the rude one I often get.

[----]

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[....]

I have blond hair/blue eyes and 3 of my kids look completely Asian. My 4th kid looks Caucasian. I've been asked probably a hundred times if I adopted "kids from China". I just ignore it. I don't care what anyone else thinks.

[Cinder]

To the strangers I usually say he looks like his grandpa and leave it at that.

 

 

This reminds me of our neighbor's situation. They have 2 dc--the dd looks just like the mom but the ds doesn't look like either of them. Not even a little bit. Then we met neighbor dad's parents. The neighbor dad looks just like his father but nothing like his mother. But their ds is the spitting image of neighbor dad's mother.

 

My 3 dc do not look like their dad at all. They are all brown/black hair with brown eyes--like me. Dh is blond/blue. As far as I know he's never been questioned when out alone with the dc.

[kalanamak]

 

So true! My normally proper 85-year-old grandma could not resist distracting my friend's adorable 3-year-old redhead at church. She kept smiling at her, touching her curls, playing peek-a-boo, whispering to us about how cute she was, etc. It was so odd to watch her transform from her usual frowning self to this goofy person! My mom was so embarrassed but it was kind of sweet, too.

 

 

 

They have died off now, but white ladies who were born before 1910 thought my strawberry blonde hair was the cat's meow. I'd be palpating the belly of a speechless stroke patient in the ER gurney, circa 1990, and her old claw-like hand would come up and start petting my hair. It became classic when the agitated dementia patient was upset by all the faces, I'd stick mine in, and she'd start smiling and looking at/stroking my hair.

[Word Nerd]

OP here...if DS truly ever doubts his heritage, I will hand him a photo of my dad as a boy. Spitting image. My dad's hair didn't darken so it wouldn't be a total surprise if DS stays blond. I can see these comments making him wonder if they keep up as he gets older, and I just don't want him to feel bad.

 

Maybe I am overreacting. I just get annoyed with perfect strangers asking personal questions.

 

"He looks just like his grandpa" sounds like the best response.

 

I think it's understandable that it upsets you given the specific examples you shared. Most people who make comments probably don't mean anything by them. But implying that your son's "real father" is not actually your DH as you claim and that essentially you're a lying cheater is incredibly offensive and rude.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

Me.

 

I have dark brown eyes and brown hair. DS has dark brown eyes and dark brown hair. DS and I tan easily and get super dark.

DH has light brown hair and hazel eyes. DD has super blond hair and blue eyes. DD has a light complexion and must be cautious when in the sun.

 

We have been asked multiple times where DD came from.

 

One look at my sister-in-law, however, and the questions are put to rest. DD looks so much like SIL it's spooky. DD definitely got her looks from my DH's side.

[Miss Peregrine]

 

 

Our children all look so much alike and just like DH that when we were considering having a 4th child, I was honestly concerned that if we did, that baby would come out looking exactly like me and it would be like one of those four-square situations on Sesame Street. "One of these things is not like the others. Which one is different? Do you know?" I worried that kid would get a complex.

 

This happened to us! First three blond, clear skin that tans. Fourth has red hair, pale, pale skin and freckles. People would comment all the time how different she looked.

[HS Mom in NC]

If your kids have red hair, do try to get them to the point where they're not upset about being noticed. People ALWAYS notice red hair. Even as an adult I get AT LEAST a comment a week on my hair. It's just part of life with red hair.

 

 

That happens to me all the time too. People identify me by it. People comment on the slightest change in it-including men who you would think care nothing about hair styles. If you don't have other red heads in the family, you probably are unaware of this phenomenon.