Sensitive subject regarding family situation ...

[Luanne]

Has anyone here cut a family member (or members) out of your lives? I am considering doing this with my sister and her husband. I'm tired of their bad attitudes toward my daughter and myself. This has been going on with my brother-in-law for 14 years now. My daughter did something (I don't even know what) that irritated him when she was only 10 years old and he has been a jerk to her ever since. For a while he would even be verbally rude to her whenever she said anything, but it has changed to just not responding to her (or me) at all for a few years now. For about the last year, my sister has also adopted a bad attitude toward us and we don't even know what prompted this. The last time we saw them was Christmas Eve at their house. My sister was rude to my daughter, me, and even to our mother at times. I don't know what is going on with her other than she may have just spent so much time around her husband that his bad feelings for us (they have been married for 20 years now). I just know that we are tired of being treated like second class citizens when there is no reason for this. I don't know what else to do.

[besroma]

I don't know that I would cut them out of my life, but I would definitely plan to be unavailable any time they wanted to get together.

 

Have you asked them outright what problem they have with your DD?

 

Although I would want to know, no matter what the reply, I would not want my daughter around them at all.

[JBJones]

Yes, I've removed a sibling from my life. He was always rude and condescending to me (30+ years) and I had had enough. Best thing I ever did. Sometimes it is just better to delete someone from your life who is toxic. You will just have to weigh the pros and cons. Good luck.

[Tammyla]

I don't have any real advice, but that sounds pretty awful to me. Treating a child that way is so inappropriate in so may ways.

 

I have had to drastically limit our contact with g-ma / mil. Dh needs a relationship with her, but she's getting meaner and meaner (toxic) as the years go by and I worry that one day even he will reach his limit. I wish or try to reason her behavior away as pre-dementia, she is 60, but she is very functioning and resistant to any hint of questions or help.

 

Family shouldn't be mean...I'm sorry your bil and sister are so toxic.

[SKL]

Before cutting anyone off, I would want to know what happened that caused this attitude.

[caroljenn]

Yep. I haven't talked to one of my brothers for over 10 years. He was always in trouble with money, always the victim, always suing his last job to get a settlement to live on. Ugh. It makes me sick to even think about him. I just couldn't do it anymore and once my parents died, I didn't have to.

 

I agree about cutting out toxic people. Some people just have to go, whether or not they have shared bloodlines. I am much much happier now - he was a huge stress in my life.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Have you tried setting boundaries? "You may not talk to me/dd like that. If you do that again I will hang up/leave the room." And then do so.

[bzymom]

Before I would cut them out (and I would if necessary) I would absolutely call them both out on their lousy behavior. That would give you all a chance to clear the air, or give you the peace of mind that you did all you could.

[catz]

I have drastically cut back on seeing my only sibling. My only contact with him is to appease my parents. Is your mother aware of the problem? How would it affect her? We see my brother maybe a few times a year and he's within an hour of us. I would call them on any inappropriate behavior immediately if it makes sense to continue some small amount of contact for your mother's sake.

[Cassy]

I have a cousin who became estranged from just about every family member except my mother. Both her parents had passed away and she had no children. The main problem as I saw it was her bullying, controlling husband, who constantly threw his weight around, and upset everyone, but knew better than to take on my mother. After my mother died I was determined not to let him run me off, as I felt my cousin really needed family support. After a year of nasty, aggressive phone calls from her husband, and angry, emotional, drunken phone calls from her, I could take no more. I haven't seen or spoken to her in over three years. I'm not happy about it, but I felt that I was left with no choice.

[Luanne]

Every time I have tried to talk to my sister about this she doesn't given actual reasons, but just blames us. She says we are too sensitive and basically acts like they are doing nothing wrong. My daughter doesn't remember what it was that she did when she was 10 that bothered him and neither my sister or her huband will tell us. Most likely they don't even remember. They just like to hold grudges.

 

They are going on a cruise in a couple of weeks and normally they ask us to stay with their dogs while they are gone. They haven't said anything about it. I am not going to ask either. My mother agreed with me when I said both of them had been acting very strange lately.

[Rebel Yell]

Yes. There is an older female sibling of whom we do not speak. Last time she spoke to me was at my wedding shower- and it was all lies put on for a show so she'd look good to the assembled relatives.

 

Lies and refusal to speak to me wereplenty enough reason to discontinue contact. We never gave her a chance to pull her crud on our children- they don't even know she exists.

[besroma]

Every time I have tried to talk to my sister about this she doesn't given actual reasons, but just blames us. She says we are too sensitive and basically acts like they are doing nothing wrong. My daughter doesn't remember what it was that she did when she was 10 that bothered him and neither my sister or her huband will tell us. Most likely they don't even remember. They just like to hold grudges.

 

They are going on a cruise in a couple of weeks and normally they ask us to stay with their dogs while they are gone. They haven't said anything about it. I am not going to ask either. My mother agreed with me when I said both of them had been acting very strange lately.

 

In this situation, I would limit or cease contact with them. If they invite you to a family function that they are hosting, I would not go. I would be honest and tell them why.

 

I would not allow them around my DD. She needs you to protect her from people like this.

[Word Nerd]

In this situation, I would limit or cease contact with them. If they invite you to a family function that they are hosting, I would not go. I would be honest and tell them why.

 

I would not allow them around my DD. She needs you to protect her from people like this.

 

I agree. If you've tried to talk to her about what their problem is and she continues to be nasty, I'd limit contact and decline any invitations to their home.

[Danestress]

Do you still live with your parents?

 

I think the one hard things about making a decision to totally cut off a family member is how it affects other family members. Some times things are so bad that you just have to do what you have to do. But if you are still living with your parents, you may need to at least think about whether you can effectively "cut them off" without making that a problem. Actually, I would worry about how it would affect my parents anyway, even if we didn't live together.

 

I'm just wondering if "keep my distance" might be better than "cut off entirely" since it sounds like they mostly are just unfriendly and standoffish. Maybe you could just try to avoid being around them, but not try to make it a big dramatic break. If you decide to "cut them off" what happens when your parents have a really big birthday or an anniversary party or something like that? Would it be worth it to skip an important event like that?

 

Just thinking outloud.

[lavender's green]

I cut off my very unstable and violent sister, because family visits involved my DH constantly shielding me from her.

 

So then my dad cut me off, for not "believing in her." (After telling me in the nastiest way possible exactly what he thinks of me.)

 

If I had known how it would play out, I would still cut her off. There's no way she's ever allowed around my kids. She is truly dangerous.

 

You just need to be prepared for how it will affect your other relationships. It might hurt more than you could have imagined.

[gardenmom5]

I have. It is not to be undertaken lightly

 

My grandmother behaved much as your sister and bil. My great-aunt (gmm's sister who was beloved by all the cousins) once came to me in tears wanting to know why my grandmother hated her. uh . . . I doubt she remembers why, only that's she's mad. the woman could hold a grudge for decades. I woudln't be surprised if it's similar with your ds and bil. I enacted strict boundaries with gmm, but she was old so it was fairly easy. there were no tears from me when she died.

 

I have recently cut my brother out - but I believe he has a personality disorder (my sister asked me if I thought he was bipolar based upon her observations.) that led him to step so far over the line he is not welcome in my home or around my children.

[MissKNG]

We do not associate with dh's biological mother.

[bluemongoose]

Sigh... yes we have, and it is not fun, but sometimes doing the best/right thing just isnt fun. I have cut out my bio father, and DH has cut out his family. My bio dad is a druggie and unstable. DH's family is uh...well without going into tons of detail... they are just plain mean. It was easy to cut out my bio dad because he never was much in the picture anyway. It was much harder for my DH. Ironically the person who brings it up and is uncomfortable about DH's decision is my mom. I think she thinks that if she makes me mad enough I might just do it to her too. We are not uber close, but she is not that mean :tongue_smilie:. I think she also wants to know the details as to what happened that led DH to make that call. He asked me not to share, and her curiosity is driving her crazy LOL.

 

 

If you decide to limit contact you will run into people who do not like it just because you cannot cut out family. I think it is more important to have healthy people surround you and your family. I just dont have enough energy to waste on sucky people even if they are blood related to me.

[Barb_]

I think I remember that your daughter is grown now? She's well into her early 20's, so I think I would probably coach her but allow her to handle this herself. I can understand that you feel protective of her, but there comes a time when our young adults should begin to stand up for themselves. Parenting adults in many ways is harder than parenting children, so I understand.

 

You said your sister is rude to your mom as well. What does she have to say?

[texasmama]

We have very little contact with my MIL due to her inappropriate behavior. My kids have seen her about twice in the past year, supervised by dh. I have not seen her for almost a year. She lives a few hours away and is in our town at least once a month but we avoid seeing her. We did not have Christmas with her. We are all much happier with this arrangement.

[Impish]

I've stopped all contact w/my mother.

 

Was a very difficult decision, despite being pretty postive that she has both AsPD and NPD.

 

It was the best thing I could've done, honestly. She made a bunch of calls, tracked Wolf down at work, called him there x2, but when he refused to 'make' me talk to her, she gave up. Haven't heard from her since last spring.

 

The lack of stress and negativity has been lovely.

[gardenmom5]

I've stopped all contact w/my mother.

 

The lack of stress and negativity has been lovely.

 

 

Isn't it amazing how it can feel like a load of bricks have been taken off your shoulders? The first time I severed a relationship, I had only intended it to be until I felt healthy enough to deal with it. I felt like a burden had been lifted, and I simply didn't want to go back to that weight.

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

Is it possible that your daughter walked in on your BIL in an embarrassing situation (when she was 10) and didn't realize it? That's the first thing that came to mind, and would explain why he is uncomfortable around her, if every time he sees her he is reminded of it, and why he/his wife doesn't want to talk about it. I think before you cut them off you need to tell them that that is what you're going to do if they won't address the issue with you.

[Mrs. Darinski]

We have had to sever ties with DH's sister. She is a dangerous psychopath - very toxic. She's also been diagnosed with a personality disorder, and has caused(and continues to cause) a whole host of family-related problems. While DH would love to have some sort of relationship with his sister, he knows that isn't possible if we are to maintain healthy boundaries, and just plain safety, for our family.

 

I agree with many of the previous posters. If they haven't, or are unwilling to be forthcoming about their issues, even after you've reasonably asked, then you've done your best to resolve the situation. Their issues are their issues and you don't need to take ownership of them. Don't let toxic people rob you and your family of a healthy, safe, joyful life. What's that saying about allowing someone hateful to live rent free in your head?

[readinmom]

Yes, and while it was painful at first, I don't even notice it anymore. It's hard to miss something that wasn't there to begin with.

 

I would try to find out exactly what the problem is first...it's a long time for this to carry on without a reason. Maybe they are just generally unpleasant people now and are unhappy with life. It happens.

 

Good luck. :grouphug:

[Deb in NZ]

One sister cut me & later the rest of my family out of her life. About 4 years ago she wrote me an email telling me to never contact her again. I found it a bit of a laugh as we were never really close even as kids & I never directly contacted her anyway. My mother was the only one who would have been upset, so I told my mom the jist of my sister's email & told her I was going to abide by my sister's wishes. After my mother's funeral 2 years later, my sister has stopped communicating with my father & brothers as well. They are hurt, but as this behaviour isn't new with her, they can't be bothered trying anymore. My father has even talked of cutting her out of his will as she has made her feelings known by cutting him & the rest of us off.

 

On dh's side he has a bil that is a bit unstable (he grew up in a toxic home). We didn't cut him off, but after a toxic visit decided not to visit with him with our dc. We never cut him off & he always is welcome to visit us, but we weren't going to stay at his house with our dc again. We never told him that, as that would inflame the situation unnecessarily. I'm glad we never did verbalize our concerns as now a few years later, things have improved & our dc are older, so things are different. We enjoyed visiting with him at our home twice this month & are planning on stopping by to see him at his home sometime soon.

 

In your case, if you are living with your mother it will be difficult to "cut" your sister out of your life & you really can't ask your mother to do that as well. Would you "cut" your dd out of your life? Would you want anyone telling you to do that? If you are living in your own place, it is easy enough to just not be avaiable to see her, etc. You don't need to verbalize to her that you don't want to see her anymore. Verbalizing it does no good for anyone & can do a lot of harm. Your dd is old enough to decide if & what type of relationship she wished to have with your sister IMHO. Her realtionship with yoru sister is separate from yours.

 

JMHO

[Mommee & Baba]

Before I would cut them out (and I would if necessary) I would absolutely call them both out on their lousy behavior. That would give you all a chance to clear the air, or give you the peace of mind that you did all you could.

 

This is what I've always done.

 

I've cut out people in my life and it was the best decision not only for me but for my marriage and for my kids too!

[Chris in VA]

No, but I've been cut out. It would've been nice to know why, and be allowed to make amends.

[elfgivas]

maybe if you change the language, more choices appear? rather than "cut them out", why not "set clear and firm boundaries" or "find things i can do with my sister"?

eg. maybe you'd like to meet your sister for breakfast once a month.... or even just once, and see what happens. just you and her.

maybe you'll decide that spending holidays altogether isn't working well right now, so for this year, you decide to not do that.

if they are at your mom's house, you can use what we call "smile and wave, smile and wave"..... we walk thru a room, saying hello to everyone and smiling..... and just keep on moving.

 

dh doesn't see his sibs much at all. he asked for a time apart (3 months) about 14 years ago. they didn't handle that well. they kept demanding to know why, so unfortunately he told them. he managed to use relatively neutral language, but its a discussion they are unlikely to recover from. it makes me sad, but it was a huge relief when his brother moved away from living beside us. sad, but a relief. i had been saying, "i think we need to move to australia if we're going to stay married". it turned out they just needed to move. now, we could manage it much better, but we were newlyweds, and had our own stuff to figure out, kwim?

 

i guess its all a really long way of saying that you may not need to cut them off so much as severely limit contact.

 

:grouphug:

ann

[Tess in the Burbs]

Limit your contact. Most likely they won't care and you don't have the drama of 'cutting off'.

 

My sister has some serious issues and we are skipping a yearly vacation this year b/c she plans on attending. I don't trust her around my kids and I don't trust her behavior in any situation. If she suddenly loses it I don't want to be around. She's been sober a year...so time is close for another breakdown. So we wil avoid her this year. Luckily she has no interest in visiting us.

 

Be busy for any family events they are at. It's not hard to avoid family. We don't see dh's family either.....by choice.

[Luanne]

I think I remember that your daughter is grown now? She's well into her early 20's, so I think I would probably coach her but allow her to handle this herself. I can understand that you feel protective of her, but there comes a time when our young adults should begin to stand up for themselves. Parenting adults in many ways is harder than parenting children, so I understand.

 

You said your sister is rude to your mom as well. What does she have to say?

 

My mother understands our not wanting to be around them much. Rebekah (my daughter) does a good job of just ignoring them when they start being snicky.

[Luanne]

Is it possible that your daughter walked in on your BIL in an embarrassing situation (when she was 10) and didn't realize it? That's the first thing that came to mind, and would explain why he is uncomfortable around her, if every time he sees her he is reminded of it, and why he/his wife doesn't want to talk about it. I think before you cut them off you need to tell them that that is what you're going to do if they won't address the issue with you.

 

 

She said she remembers just sitting there talking with him and then she started laughing at something she said. He got angry and started yelling at her. At the time she talked to my sister and my sister said she would talk to him and that Rebekah shouldn't have to put up with him yelling at her. He has been rude to her and me ever since. My sister seems to take his side now even though he is the one being rude. I've tried talking to her and she just puts it all on us and says we need to get over it. I just don't know what it is we need to get over. It is like she expects us to just tolerate them being rude all the time.

 

We have decided we are going to limit contact with them. If they invite us and my parents over to their house, we won't go. If other family is going to be there (our brothers and their families or aunts, uncles, and cousins) then we will go, but will just not talk to my sister or her husband.

[kalanamak]

Every time I have tried to talk to my sister about this she doesn't given actual reasons, but just blames us. She says we are too sensitive and basically acts like they are doing nothing wrong.

 

 

Gaslighting.

 

As a wild leap, are they heavy drinkers?

[somo_chickenlady]

I cut my sister (my only sibling) out completely around 3 years ago, the only contact with have with her is if we happen to be at the same family function and even then I avoid her, but we don't speak at all otherwise. In August we cut both of my parents out with VERY limited contact (I only speak to them when I HAVE to, and even then I keep it short and sweet and they know nothing about our lives), and we didn't see them for Thanksgiving or Christmas this year. We actually moved out of state to get away from all of them two years ago. The reasoning is kind of a long story, but a serious one (may be a trigger point for some people, so I don't want to say what...), but all were cut out for the same reason even though it took longer to cut out my parents. Our life has been nothing but better without them in it, and we appreciate the lack of drama and stress in our lives.

[LMD]

I don't speak to my mother, technically she cut me off (again) as punishment. It's been so quiet & peaceful.

 

We also do not associate with a cousin of dh's, since we helped his battered wife.

[Luanne]

 

 

Gaslighting.

 

As a wild leap, are they heavy drinkers?

 

 

Is this question for me? They actually don't drink at all.

[Once]

Yes, I have. Like the PP said, it isn't to be undertaken lightly but I have not regretted it. For the variety of reasons my husband and I have essentially no family on either side. A few of the reasons....an unfinished estate of fil from 12 yrs ago, negativity around us homeschooling (like modeling to children judgemental attitudes about homeschooling), fights over who pays for nursing homecare for family grandpa after he cut out daughter from his will, backing out of childcare *on* due date of second child, leaving us high and dry on moving day after months of promises and setting up documents to exculde my husband from having access to my parents estate if I should die first (ie. They hypothetically died before I did and they want a say in whether he gets the money to raise our kids.)

They still do not think they have done anything wrong....I will always be the unreasonable one in their eyes even as I spend money I do not have to go visit them and make all the meals for evryone while there.

In your situation, I would protect my child like a mama bear and not apologize for it. You are not a second class citizen and if they feel so then stop submitting to the waste of time of spending it with them. There are plenty of good people in this world and it is ok to spend that time looking for them. It does take time to build those longterm deep relationships and you will find people quirky just like "family" but never tolerate toxic. Life is too short.

 

[mommaduck]

 

 

Is this question for me? They actually don't drink at all.

then maybe they need a drink? ;) :D

 

Seriously, just move on. They do not plan on sharing with you what their issues are. Yes, we've had to cut toxic and dangerous people out of our lives.