nm

[Guest inoubliable]

.

[aggieamy]

Change of plans KK. Come to my house instead. I'm looking for some awesome people to add to my family because the current members aren't being awesome. I will love your homemade gifts and promise NOT to do things to deliberately make you angry. Besides there's been some great vegan cookie recipes I've seen on pinterest and it'll give me a chance to try them out.

 

Sorry your family is being crappy. Mine is too.

 

Bah humbug.

[Susan in TN]

Uh. I'm nearly speechless (fingers can still type though :bored: ) Cannot even imagine. I'd be boiling over too. Is there any way you all could come down with a "severe case of the stomach flu" but you'd be happy to send money to have the kids' gifts shipped to you?

 

Sorry, that's the best I can come up with. :grouphug:

[beaners]

:grouphug: I think you're already being much classier than I could. I wouldn't add the extra day, and I'd let my kids open the presents as soon as I had pulled out of the driveway on the way home. I'd also be livid about the food issue, but glad that I at least had a warning that such devious behavior was a possibility. :grouphug:

[freesia]

:grouphug: Can I gently encourage you not to go? They are not being kind and you really don't need to allow them to do that. They aren't respecting your budget, your food convictions, your time. They are walking all over you. The only way to get them to stop is to stop allowing them to do it. I encourage you to cancel and tell them that it doesn't work for you to come this year.

[Hen]

I would not go. Ask/ tell your parents to mail your kids' gifts and emphasis how excited they are about the gifts your family talked up. Go do something unusual/fun instead of the trip. We had something stressful happen Christmas Eve regarding family for a few years...and we started taking the kids over to a local hamburger place and getting shakes. It was an unusual treat and they started looking forward to it.

 

ask yourself, is all the stress/ bad feelings really worth your kids getting a few gifts? You might take some of the money you would have spent on the trip and do something fun or buy your kids a fun gift with.

 

I am so sorry your family is so horrid. They are toxic and you don't deserve this.

[Guest inoubliable]

.

[Dana]

Someone is sick. It's a shame, but you don't want to spread the germs.

It can sure be you being sick of their behavior...just don't say that.

 

Holidays can be tough.

Hang in there.

 

[Danestress]

I honestly think the truth, directly told, is more classy than a lie.

 

Tell them your kids were looking forward to this. Tell them you and your dh feel disrespected by the petty comments about your home made presents and the antagonistic attitude towards food. Tell them you would like to see them all at Christmas, but that you and dh were not expecting this and need more time to prepare food for yourselves, and also need to think and reflect on how this experience feels and wht the ground rule would need to be for a visit. Mail them the presents and move on. Use the gas money to buy a few things for your kids.

 

Or else go, pretend you are going to write a memoir, emotionally detach and try to enjoy the show. The bigger jerks they are, the better. No one likes memoirs about calm, easy extended families.

 

 

[Heatherwith4]

Just tell them you're not coming. End of conversation. :grouphug:

[In the Rain]

Don't let your family treat you like that. Sure, your kids are excited to go, but most kids are easily distracted. Plan a fun family event instead. :grouphug:

[In the Rain]

Or else go, pretend you are going to write a memoir, emotionally detach and try to enjoy the show. The bigger jerks they are, the better. No one likes memoirs about calm, easy extended families.

 

 

:thumbup:

 

The first part of your post was great advice, but I love this! :smilielol5:

[AK_Mom4]

Thanks, girls. DH and I are talking now to try to figure out a way to back out of it. He's suggested telling them that our van is making weird noises (and it is) and that we just can't get down there after all. He suggested that I offer to have my parents come up here this weekend, and then they can spend Christmas with my siblings as planned and we have control over what we're eating. I'm just trying to work up the nerve to suggest this. :crying:

 

 

KK - I would totally invite you for Christmas here, except Alaska is probably too long of a drive for your van! I can cook vegan!

 

I think you have an excellent idea above. But don't "suggest" it. Just do it. Call and let them know that you can't come down because of the van, but hope they will come visit you this weekend.

 

Be Brave!

[JessReplanted]

I agree with those who said that you should not go. After one very crazy and unpleasant Christmas with my (extended) family, we told them that we're not going to be able to travel for Christmas anymore. You have the choice to opt out.

[Kathryn]

You could come to my house instead and teach me to cook vegan (not cook vegans, that would be mean). We're converting to Orthodoxy and my poor carnivore husband is getting tired of lentil soup. But, I'm probably farther than them. But, I'm also not full of drama!

 

Anyway, two options I'd be juggling. 1. Say you're sick/have car trouble and not go (I'd be too chicken to tell the truth about why we weren't going) or 2. Go with the understanding tht it'll be a train wreck and laugh at the absurdity of it all. We had a situation this summer that we chose option two on and we ended up with absolutely hilarious memories.

[KRG]

I honestly think the truth, directly told, is more classy than a lie. Tell them your kids were looking forward to this. Tell them you and your dh feel disrespected by the petty comments about your home made presents and the antagonistic attitude towards food. Tell them you would like to see them all at Christmas, but that you and dh were not expecting this and need more time to prepare food for yourselves, and also need to think and reflect on how this experience feels and wht the ground rule would need to be for a visit. Mail them the presents and move on. Use the gas money to buy a few things for your kids. Or else go, pretend you are going to write a memoir, emotionally detach and try to enjoy the show. The bigger jerks they are, the better. No one likes memoirs about calm, easy extended families.

 

Don't let your family treat you like that. Sure, your kids are excited to go, but most kids are easily distracted. Plan a fun family event instead. :grouphug:

 

This!

[TranquilMind]

I just called DH to tell him that we'll need to bring our own food now and he. lost. his. mind. He's very angry now. :( He doesn't want to go. He doesn't want to disappoint the kids, either. I am not bashing him. We're on the same team here. I understand where he's coming from, and I am angry, too. Driving 8 hours round trip for a meal designed to antagonize us so that one of our three kids can open a gift from one of my siblings while the other two have to take theirs home and wait to open them? All on our own dime and in a car that may very well leave us stranded on the way down or back up?

 

We've already committed to this. I spent money on a travel cage for our guinea pig. I spent a little money at a local dollar store for the nephews whose names I was given to buy for. My kids are excited. I don't feel like we can just back out now. I need some encouragement, some thing to focus on, while I am down there. I need some mental tool to help me enjoy my children's joy and not get sucked into the other stuff.

 

I am just so depressed and sad over the whole thing and the closer we get to the weekend, the more I dread it.

 

 

I'm sorry. I'd just go, suck it up for a few hours, and bring my own darn food. You can sweetly say something about how some of you feel better when you avoid certain foods, and you certainly wouldn't want to have any intestinal issues on their watch (who can argue with that??).

 

Eat your food. Smile a lot. Drive home.

 

Gee, family will be dead before you know it. It seems to me like you have them for a brief moment. My FIL died this morning. Suddenly, all the drama about how annoying their visits were (not due to him) seem rather unimportant. My husband will spend Christmas grieving.

 

I've lost all grandparents, both parents, all aunts and uncles, several friends and two of my three siblings. Now he's lost his dad. He said to me this morning, "Now we have that in common too." Perspective is important.

 

I don't know what to say about one kid opening gifts while the others cannot. I don't understand that at all.

[NorthwestMom]

I honestly think the truth, directly told, is more classy than a lie.

 

Tell them your kids were looking forward to this. Tell them you and your dh feel disrespected by the petty comments about your home made presents and the antagonistic attitude towards food. Tell them you would like to see them all at Christmas, but that you and dh were not expecting this and need more time to prepare food for yourselves, and also need to think and reflect on how this experience feels and wht the ground rule would need to be for a visit. Mail them the presents and move on. Use the gas money to buy a few things for your kids.

 

Or else go, pretend you are going to write a memoir, emotionally detach and try to enjoy the show. The bigger jerks they are, the better. No one likes memoirs about calm, easy extended families.

 

 

YES. Time to grow and assert some boundaries. You wouldn't allow friends to treat you this way, so why should your family be allowed to do so? Also, your children are little sponges, so they will be absorbing the disrespect of your choices even if it is only subtly revealed in little comments and food "tricks". That is SO unacceptable. That is not how we should celebrate holidays. Be brave and tell your family how you feel and what you are thinking. Do not let them bully you.

[TranquilMind]

'Danestress':

Tell them your kids were looking forward to this. Tell them you and your dh feel disrespected by the petty comments about your home made presents and the antagonistic attitude towards food. Tell them you would like to see them all at Christmas, but that you and dh were not expecting this and need more time to prepare food for yourselves, and also need to think and reflect on how this experience feels and wht the ground rule would need to be for a visit. Mail them the presents and move on. Use the gas money to buy a few things for your kids.

 

I disagree with this advice vehemently. That is ridiculously heavy adult personal drama to lay on kids. Don't do it. Keep your personal opinions about the family's behavior TO YOURSELF. Let the kids come to their own conclusions as they grow up, without any tainting from you.

 

The classiest people I have ever known have never said a bad word about family, even when it would have been warranted.

 

 

Or else go, pretend you are going to write a memoir, emotionally detach and try to enjoy the show. The bigger jerks they are, the better. No one likes memoirs about calm, easy extended families.

 

Now this I can get behind. Great idea. It will also provide interesting discussion in the future.

[Spryte]

You can come here, too! We're not 8 hours away! :)

 

Your van... You know, those strange noises are very concerning... I understand that odd knocking might be, the ummm, converter belt. (Is that a car part?) In fact, it might just be so bad you shouldn't risk driving it to the post office to mail those gifts!

 

:grouphug:

 

Families around the holidays. Ugh.

 

Oh! And we have food allergies here... With non-compliant family members who do. not. get. it. It's ridiculous.

[lynn]

Thanks, girls. DH and I are talking now to try to figure out a way to back out of it. He's suggested telling them that our van is making weird noises (and it is) and that we just can't get down there after all. He suggested that I offer to have my parents come up here this weekend, and then they can spend Christmas with my siblings as planned and we have control over what we're eating. I'm just trying to work up the nerve to suggest this. :crying:

 

Sorry you are going through stress like this. Give the van excuse and plan something great for you and your kids.

[Harriet Vane]

Please, please, please do not go.

 

This behavior is disrespectful in the extreme.

 

The food issue alone would make me stay home. My son is lactose intolerant, and if I found out some ignorant know-it-all chose to "test" him on this I would break out a level of crazy that would make their worst nightmares feel like summer vacation.

 

Add to that everything else, and I do not see a reason to go. They are being bullies, and overstepping boundaries badly. Use the money you would have spent on gas to get your own dear children something special and to h#ll with their idiotic rules.

 

And--let dh handle this one. Don't answer your phone, and don't get into any elaborate discussions. Those will only end in tears for you. Do whatever it takes to NOT interact any further on this issue. The immediate fallout will be painful, but focus on building something much happier and healthier for you children. :grouphug:

[happyhomemaker]

You could always tell them that the planning for this get together was a test on your part to see if they are the kind of people you want to celebrate Christmas with... and they failed.

 

Ok, so maybe just think that. But seriously, don't go. The kids are excited now, but they will pick up on the tension and weirdness when they get there. It won't be fun for them- I remember similar get togethers as a child that I did not enjoy. I would just tell your extended family you have decided not to come. If they press for reasons, be honest. They are never going to treat you right if you don't let them know that their behavior is unacceptable.

 

I know it's so awful to have confrontation, especially around the holidays which should be a wonderful time. ((Hugs)) I hope you end up having a great, relaxing holiday with your dh and dc!

[NorthwestMom]

I need some encouragement, some thing to focus on, while I am down there. I need some mental tool to help me enjoy my children's joy and not get sucked into the other stuff.

 

DH and I have a game we play when we have to go deal with his very difficult and unpleasant parents. We make 2 custom bingo cards featuring his parents' favorite conversational topics ("Remember how pretty your girlfriend was in 7th grade?" or "That bread you like is like eating birdseed. It's going to make your kids sick. We threw it out."). There are a bunch of teacher websites that allow you to do this for free. Then we secretly play bingo with each other. Whoever wins gets to pick the restaurant when we go out for dinner when we return home.

 

You could make the cards and mix in your kids' positives (played with cousins, decorated cookies, talked about guinea pig) with the negatives (secret meat in food). For us, it allows us to detach a little bit from what we cannot control, and allows us to almost wish for certain things we used to dread ("Tell me I need to lose weight...... and I'm going to yell BINGO in my head!")

 

Good luck to you.

[Harriet Vane]

Keep your personal opinions about the family's behavior TO YOURSELF. Let the kids come to their own conclusions as they grow up, without any tainting from you.

 

The classiest people I have ever known have never said a bad word about family, even when it would have been warranted.

 

 

 

I disagree. Far better that the kids be told who exactly is misbehaving and why the plans changed. It doesn't have to be told in a mean or dramatic way. The truth can be given briefly, unemotionally, and in the context of their parents' love and determination to provide a better substitute (which would be a holiday free of bullies and a mother who is not being harassed.) If the kids are not given a reasonable explanation for why their wondrous Christmas has been changed, then they will assign blame to their parents or to whatever else their minds can latch onto, possibly even their own childish misbehavior. It's much, much better in a dysfunctional family (or anywhere) to speak the truth, always tempering it with love, of course.

[Harriet Vane]

You could always tell them that the planning for this get together was a test on your part to see if they are the kind of people you want to celebrate Christmas with... and they failed.

 

Ok, so maybe just think that. But seriously, don't go. The kids are excited now, but they will pick up on the tension and weirdness when they get there. It won't be fun for them- I remember similar get togethers as a child that I did not enjoy. I would just tell your extended family you have decided not to come. If they press for reasons, be honest. They are never going to treat you right if you don't let them know that their behavior is unacceptable.

 

I know it's so awful to have confrontation, especially around the holidays which should be a wonderful time. ((Hugs)) I hope you end up having a great, relaxing holiday with your dh and dc!

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

[Lara in Colo]

Yes! Come here!!! We are not having gifts and would love to cook vegan! (well cookies NEED butter hmm.....)

 

But we are friendly and like homemade stuff (except for when my children made things from the trash --- one too many things made from toilet tissue rolls).

 

come here!!!

[Danestress]

I think we have a pronoun issue. The "them" is was referring to was the parents - not the kids. I would not bad mouth family to the kids unless it were a true safety issue. I was suggesting she honestly tell her parents and/or siblings how their behavior made her and her dh feel.

 

I am ambivalent about lying to the children. I wouldn't like to lie to them, but I also would not share all the issues.

 

 

 

I disagree with this advice vehemently. That is ridiculously heavy adult personal drama to lay on kids. Don't do it. Keep your personal opinions about the family's behavior TO YOURSELF. Let the kids come to their own conclusions as they grow up, without any tainting from you.

 

The classiest people I have ever known have never said a bad word about family, even when it would have been warranted.

 

 

 

 

Now this I can get behind. Great idea. It will also provide interesting discussion in the future.

 

[TammyinTN]

Are you my long lost twin? I posted recently about the same problem. After much discussion...we turned the tables on everyone. If they want to see us...come here....or stay home...there choice. I will never let my family cause me to lose my Christmas joy again! They can come, but never...ever...will this be an issue for us. Guilt no longer works on me. Hang in there and many hugs to you! Merry Christmas!!

[Dandelion]

I'm sorry. :grouphug: I was getting all worked up just reading about what you're dealing with - can't imagine being in this situation myself.

 

Thanks, girls. DH and I are talking now to try to figure out a way to back out of it. He's suggested telling them that our van is making weird noises (and it is) and that we just can't get down there after all. He suggested that I offer to have my parents come up here this weekend, and then they can spend Christmas with my siblings as planned and we have control over what we're eating. I'm just trying to work up the nerve to suggest this. :crying:

 

 

I think the van issue is a great way to nicely back out of the visit. Although I'm not sure about inviting your parents out to your house. Why not plan a visit sometime in the next month when the holiday stress is over? Just enjoy Christmas with your DH and kids, and see your parents and siblings later. That way, if the extended family get-together is atrocious, at least it didn't ruin your Christmas.

 

If a visit now can't be avoided, then more :grouphug: and go with the memoir idea above.

 

ETA: just saw the post about the bingo game. Love it!

[Annie G]

Who has told you about the food tests and such? Is it someone who is telling you on the side to warn you or is it upfront and in your face? If it's upfront, my vote is to stay home. If it's being told to warn you in advance but in a 'don't tell I told you' way, I just don't know.

 

One one hand, the kids will be disappointed...but on the other hand, who wants to spend a holiday with people who treat you this way??

 

You have the early lead on most irritating family this holiday season....but it's too soon to award the medal. Hope your family comes around and starts acting like real family.

[Paisley Hedgehog]

nm

[jujsky]

I can understand them not catering to you being vegan because I'm assuming it's a personal choice (not allergy-related) but it's wrong of them to try to "trick" you into eating certain foods. Why not just say, "This is the menu we're serving," and let you decide whether or not you want to bring your own food?

 

I also think it's crappy to make fun of homemade gifts. Some of my favorite gifts ever were homemade gifts.

 

It sounds like it would be hard for you to get out of this trip at this point so :grouphug: . From what you posted, it sounds more like this is your two siblings telling you things the other is saying about you behind your back? I'd tell your parents what is going on and give them a heads-up you will not be able to make it next year since you were made to feel unwelcome and uncomfortable this year. If they would like to visit you before or after Christmas, you'd be happy to have them.

[Desert Rat]

Aw, Honey. Just don't go. I realize life is short. It's short for YOU, too. There is no need to spend one minute of one day being upset over people who don't show you kindness.

 

Use the van as an excuse. Mail their presents and return the guinea pig cage (or sell it on craigs). Stay home and stay happy.

 

And the food thing? SHUT THE FRONT DOOR! How completely and utterly disrespectful. I've seen strangers act with more courtesy. Ugh.

[Miss Mousie]

Well ... I don't do confrontation well, either, so I'm not sure I could take my own advice, but ... it sounds to me like it's time to find the courage to be honest. Danestress expressed it very well, but I would also add this: you would never, ever treat your children the way you are being treated - so why is it OK for your mother to treat *her child* that way?

 

I thought the sniggering about homemade gifts was bad enough, but then I read about the food ... oh my goodness, I would be SO hurt. What a betrayal.

 

If you just can't bring yourself to speak up (and I really do understand this), then I'd go straight for NorthwestMom's Bingo game. WIN!

[Trish]

Thanks, girls. DH and I are talking now to try to figure out a way to back out of it. He's suggested telling them that our van is making weird noises (and it is) and that we just can't get down there after all. He suggested that I offer to have my parents come up here this weekend, and then they can spend Christmas with my siblings as planned and we have control over what we're eating. I'm just trying to work up the nerve to suggest this. :crying:

 

 

Sorry, I just have to point out that it's your extended family that's making the "weird noises."

 

I understand you don't want to go to war, so I understand making up an excuse. But don't argue about your reasons with them. "I appreciate your concern, but the trip is not working out for us this year."

 

YOUR family unit is the one that counts. Others' opinons? "I'm sorry you feel that way, we'll make it up another time..."

 

Etc. Don't get drawn into arguing the particulars.

 

Sorry the attitudes are so un-Christmasy! Any one of your reasons would probably inspire me to skip the trip, and you've got at least four!

 

:grouphug:

[Guest inoubliable]

 

[TranquilMind]

I think we have a pronoun issue. The "them" is was referring to was the parents - not the kids. I would not bad mouth family to the kids unless it were a true safety issue. I was suggesting she honestly tell her parents and/or siblings how their behavior made her and her dh feel.

 

I am ambivalent about lying to the children. I wouldn't like to lie to them, but I also would not share all the issues.

 

 

I'm sorry. You are correct; I misread your post as meaning that you would suggest saying all this to the children! My apologies.

 

I wasn't advocating lying to them either, if you were unclear about that. I don't lie to my kids. I would just tell them that (the relatives) have some habits that aren't our ways, but we are going to see them for the holiday and take our own food.

[TranquilMind]

I disagree. Far better that the kids be told who exactly is misbehaving and why the plans changed. It doesn't have to be told in a mean or dramatic way. The truth can be given briefly, unemotionally, and in the context of their parents' love and determination to provide a better substitute (which would be a holiday free of bullies and a mother who is not being harassed.) If the kids are not given a reasonable explanation for why their wondrous Christmas has been changed, then they will assign blame to their parents or to whatever else their minds can latch onto, possibly even their own childish misbehavior. It's much, much better in a dysfunctional family (or anywhere) to speak the truth, always tempering it with love, of course.

 

Never mind.

[redsquirrel]

Sounds like it is time for my favorite excuse: PINWORMS! No one wants you to come when you have pinworms.

 

Next year you can have just found out you were exposed to lice and you need to stay in seclusion for 7 days to see if you caught it.

[TranquilMind]

DH and I have a game we play when we have to go deal with his very difficult and unpleasant parents. We make 2 custom bingo cards featuring his parents' favorite conversational topics ("Remember how pretty your girlfriend was in 7th grade?" or "That bread you like is like eating birdseed. It's going to make your kids sick. We threw it out."). There are a bunch of teacher websites that allow you to do this for free. Then we secretly play bingo with each other. Whoever wins gets to pick the restaurant when we go out for dinner when we return home.

 

You could make the cards and mix in your kids' positives (played with cousins, decorated cookies, talked about guinea pig) with the negatives (secret meat in food). For us, it allows us to detach a little bit from what we cannot control, and allows us to almost wish for certain things we used to dread ("Tell me I need to lose weight...... and I'm going to yell BINGO in my head!")

 

Good luck to you.

 

This is awesome. You are my hero. Wish I'd thought of stuff like this when I still had family to visit...

[TranquilMind]

Sounds like it is time for my favorite excuse: PINWORMS! No one wants you to come when you have pinworms.

 

Next year you can have just found out you were exposed to lice and you need to stay in seclusion for 7 days to see if you caught it.

 

I wouldn't teach my children that it's ok to lie to people to get out of visiting them. It will come up again in the future when they say, "Oh, that's too bad you couldn't visit that year you had the pinworms."

 

You can bet your last dollar that one of the kids will say, "We never had pinworms! Mom and Dad just didn't want to visit."

 

Bad idea.

[HappyLady]

Oh. Heck. No. I'm vegan and I wouldn't go ANYWHERE where people would purposely put non-vegan ingredients in food that I'm suppose to consume. That's just rude. It's one thing if someone tries to make something vegan and makes a mistake. It's another when someone does it intentionally, especially family! And with everything else you said, I can't believe you'd even consider going. Your kids might be disappointed, but you have to do what's best for your family. You can easily make it up to them.

[Guest inoubliable]

.

[Miss Mousie]

DS5 said, "Mom, we get it. We don't like bullies, either."

 

 

That sweet boy gets an extra little something in his stocking! Plus a million happy hugs, of course. :grouphug:

[TravelingChris]

Lets just say that making a vegan Christmas along with making a regular Christmas Eve feast and a CHristmas Day feast and a nice Christmas breakfast would drive me totally insane. So if you were coming to my house, I would inform you what was vegan and what wasn't. But I certainly would never try to do secret butter adding or milk adding or whatever else they purport to add. How weird and rude!!

[In the Rain]

 

 

DH and I have a game we play when we have to go deal with his very difficult and unpleasant parents. We make 2 custom bingo cards featuring his parents' favorite conversational topics ("Remember how pretty your girlfriend was in 7th grade?" or "That bread you like is like eating birdseed. It's going to make your kids sick. We threw it out."). There are a bunch of teacher websites that allow you to do this for free. Then we secretly play bingo with each other. Whoever wins gets to pick the restaurant when we go out for dinner when we return home.

 

You could make the cards and mix in your kids' positives (played with cousins, decorated cookies, talked about guinea pig) with the negatives (secret meat in food). For us, it allows us to detach a little bit from what we cannot control, and allows us to almost wish for certain things we used to dread ("Tell me I need to lose weight...... and I'm going to yell BINGO in my head!")

 

Good luck to you.

 

Brilliant! I love it.

[AndyJoy]

 

You are still teaching the kids that you don't support or visit family unless they meet your standards and it will be enjoyable for you. Bad idea, in my view.

 

You go and do the best you can.

 

We limit our exposure to jerks, family or otherwise. Blood just isn't that important to me if someone is behaving badly.

[TranquilMind]

We limit our exposure to jerks, family or otherwise. Blood just isn't that important to me if someone is behaving badly.

 

Never mind. Not worth it.

[Susan in TN]

You can come here, too! We're not 8 hours away! :)

 

Your van... You know, those strange noises are very concerning... I understand that odd knocking might be, the ummm, converter belt. (Is that a car part?) In fact, it might just be so bad you shouldn't risk driving it to the post office to mail those gifts!

.

 

It's most likely the automotive "knock of death" which my mechanic says is very real. You don't want to risk it!