Child having a birthday...is it OK for a parent to not be there?

[razorbackmama]

I'm NOT talking about a work situation or military something or anything like that. I'm talking about a voluntary trip out of town or scheduling some sort of something "big" (again, not work) on a child's birthday. Do you think it's OK? Does it depend on which parent? Does it depend on whether the child is old enough to understand? Poll to follow.:D

 

ETA: I'm not referring to an actual birthday party, since we don't do those except rarely. I'm referring to birthday cake, etc. as a family. Nothing huge.

Edited October 19, 2012 by razorbackmama

[IsabelC]

It depends on the child, the family, the age, and how important birthdays are for them. My kids see their birthdays as pretty important, but they'd be happy to celebrate a couple of days early/late if I couldn't be here on the actual day. I wouldn't do a long trip where the birthday had to be 'moved' by a week or more.

[mommymilkies]

IMHO, no. I would be completely irate if my dh was not there for a birthday, and I would never miss one. I'm sure ill be that crazy Grandma to show up for every bday, too. :) my birthdays were often forgotten or ignored when I was young, so I have a strong opinion on this.

[happyhomemaker]

It wouldn't be ok in my family. I can't imagine trying to explain that to one of my kids. Whether or not it's ok really depends on the individual family though.

[QueenCat]

For a non-work or emergency issue, it wouldn't happen in our house. We can plan around work, but not emergencies.

[Jpoy85]

For a non-work or emergency issue, it wouldn't happen in our house. We can plan around work, but not emergencies.

 

:iagree:

[Farrar]

It depends on the child, the family, the age, and how important birthdays are for them. My kids see their birthdays as pretty important, but they'd be happy to celebrate a couple of days early/late if I couldn't be here on the actual day. I wouldn't do a long trip where the birthday had to be 'moved' by a week or more.

 

:iagree: I think if something worked out that way in our house, it wouldn't be the end of the world. The kids saw dh on their actual birthday for about ten minutes in the morning this year because we had scheduling things. Their birthday got plenty of other celebrating not on the day and they were fine with that.

[LibraryLover]

I voted Other.

 

We've always been of the mind that not every wonderful thing has to be celebrated with a party on the exact day. However, we always believe in celebrating the event. :)

Edited October 19, 2012 by LibraryLover

[oldskool]

It depends on the child, the family, the age, and how important birthdays are for them. My kids see their birthdays as pretty important, but they'd be happy to celebrate a couple of days early/late if I couldn't be here on the actual day. I wouldn't do a long trip where the birthday had to be 'moved' by a week or more.

 

:iagree:

[lexi]

I was gone on a trip with my hubby when our daughter turned 3. We celebrated before we left and she spent her birthday with my parents and they celebrated with her too. She was fine with it-but she was also 3 so she just enjoyed all the birthday attention, no matter what day it fell on.

 

But I think it would depend on the child and the situation. Some kids are more sensitive to that than others. And it depends on the age too.

 

I felt guilty for not being there during her birthday, but in the end it turned out ok and she was fine. I didn't scar her for life.......:lol: I really agonized over it but I was so glad that my hubby and I got to get away together and it was the only weekend that we could go and have my parents keep the kids. So, it was worth it that time.

 

I was in the hospital on my oldest's birthday. I hated being away from her that day too. But her little brother was born the day before her birthday so I obviously wasn't home. He was in the NICU and I almost didn't get to even see my dd on that day. That was really hard. Thankfully, she was only 2 and doesn't remember. I also had to totally cancel her party because her brother was 3 weeks early and that through all our party plans out the window.

[Plateau Mama]

For the most part, no. My dh has missed the birthday of out youngest twice. This last year when ds turned 4. His grandmother passed away and he just found reasonable flights home and we didn't realize he'd miss his birthday until later (came in the next day).

 

The other time was when he was 2. He and my DD went on a mission trip to Chile. At first we didn't realize the dates and then we figured he was only 2 and really wouldn't notice. But honestly, had we realized the dates of the trip they probably wouldn't have gone on the mission trip.

[TammyS]

Birthdays aren't a super-big deal in our house, so it would be ok. We usually will have a gift, sometimes a cake or special dinner. My older son had 1 birthday party a few years ago (he'll be 14 next week) my two year old doesn't know what a birthday is.

[Mommyof4ks]

I took my kids to visit family on my son's birthday, and everyone was fine with that as long as said child got to have his special day with family another day. We went out to eat, did presents, and got cake and ice cream a few days later.

[LibraryLover]

My birthday falls on a Tues in 2013. I would much rather have a party on a Fri or Sat.

[PIE!]

It really depends on the situation. But...

 

MIL missed dh's 16th birthday because her friend wanted her to go to Cancun, and MIL never got a chance to do things like that. FIL was out of town with work.

 

DH didn't make a fuss, he knew his dad had to work, and he knew how rarely fun opportunities came up for his mom, but it really bothered him. He often felt like things that were important to him were overlooked because he didn't complain as loudly as his siblings.

[LibraryLover]

My kids have never complained, although we plan parties ahead! Was there a reason your in-laws didn't have a party while they were home?

 

It's not like all birthdays fall on weekends.

 

We always celebrate with a cake on the exact b'day, but we often wait until weekends to have parties, so folks can actually attend.

 

It really depends on the situation. But...

 

MIL missed dh's 16th birthday because her friend wanted her to go to Cancun, and MIL never got a chance to do things like that. FIL was out of town with work.

 

DH didn't make a fuss, he knew his dad had to work, and he knew how rarely fun opportunities came up for his mom, but it really bothered him. He often felt like things that were important to him were overlooked because he didn't complain as loudly as his siblings.

[Unicorn.]

Everyone complains about young people and their entitlement attitudes. Stuff like this is why they have entitlement issues. Kids don't need a party every year. The world doesn't revolve around them, and parents have a right to have a life and make plans of their own. Now, missing a child's wedding, or the birth of a child for a frivolous trip... NO.

 

OP- this wasn't directed at you, just my take on an issue.

 

 

ETA: and yes we celebrate birthdays around here

[happyhomemaker]

I think I may have read the question incorrectly. For some reason I assumed this meant that a parent chose to be gone on the day the birthday is supposed to be celebrated. We rarely celebrate on the actual birthday. We usually choose the nearest Saturday for a party. Are we talking about being gone for the actual day? That would not be a big deal here. Missing the party- yes. Missing the actual day (as long as we weren't celebrating)- no. I guess I just assumed this was about a parent choosing to miss the birthday celebration. Sorry if I misunderstood!

[LibraryLover]

.

Edited October 19, 2012 by LibraryLover
Repeating myself. Sorry

[Arcadia]

Stuff like this is why they have entitlement issues. Kids don't need a party every year. The world doesn't revolve around them, and parents have a right to have a life and make plans of their own.

 

I voted thinking in terms of being with the kids when they are young on their birthday. We do not do birthday parties and I baked their birthday cake. But they look forward to their birthdays including baking, and decorating their own cake with us. I don't see how wanting their parents to be around on their birthday would become an entitlement issue, maybe because I only have two kids so its easier to keep those days free.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Yes, I am confused as well. Why plan a birthday party on a day a parent has to be out of town, for whatever reason. Choose another day. Have a cupcake or whatnot for dessert on the day, and the absent parent can call/Skype the child and sing HB to You.

 

Have a party before or after. I don't see the deal. :)

 

 

:iagree:

[chepyl]

It depends on the child, the family, the age, and how important birthdays are for them. My kids see their birthdays as pretty important, but they'd be happy to celebrate a couple of days early/late if I couldn't be here on the actual day. I wouldn't do a long trip where the birthday had to be 'moved' by a week or more.

 

Our kids would be okay with a phone call and a party at a later date. We rarely party on the day. We even celebrate Christmas on the wrong day when my sister goes to her inlaws. ;)

[Slojo]

On gut, there's something about it that "feels" wrong to me. But that's just me. I'd be pretty upset if my husband had other plans and I think now that my oldest is 7, he'd ask a lot of questions about why dad couldn't be bothered to show up for his birthday. Now for us, "birthday" means the official celebration - be it large or small - and it may be postponed a day or so (for example, to the weekend). If one of us had work or illness that prevented us from being there, of course, that's understandable. But scheduling something that wasn't absolutely necessary to schedule would "feel" like, "Gee, don't I warrant a few hours of special acknowledgement on my special day?"

 

I'd feel the same way about our anniversary - life is busy and short enough - it's important to me to "protect" at least a few hours of special acknowledge for the anniversaries of our lives. The world - work, community/church obligations, etc... get enough of our family's collective time, and often, those things get priority scheduling on "regular" days, so I do feel protective of special days and even non-special days that are just about celebrating and acknowledging that we are family.

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

I'll never forget the time my Granny (legal guardian/mom stand in) was away for my birthday. I was young and it made me feel really sad and feel like I wasn't special enough/celebrated.

 

My friend's husband grew up not being celebrated on his birthday and he most of the time doesn't show up at his daughters' birthday parties (he has the same birthday as his 6 year old daughter.) Even though the youngest is 2, someday she's going to look back and say "why wasn't Dad there?" Or maybe she'll be used to it and not think anything of it. :(

 

 

I voted it is never okay to miss it (except for work/military/extreme family emergency.)

[Impish]

We always do something, just us, on the actual birthday, and then, if we're having one, a party w/their friends on the wknd. (Parties are rare).

 

No, neither of us would willingly be away for a kid's birthday. In fact, when possible, Wolf's taken a day of vacation and been home on their birthdays, taking them out for a special Daddy event as part of their birthday.

[Celia]

I put that it's okay for either parent not to be there. Not ideal, but not the end of the world either, in my opinion. They could always have a little celebration before or after if the child or parent was bothered by it.

[LibraryLover]

I'll never forget the time my Granny (legal guardian/mom stand in) was away for my birthday. I was young and it made me feel really sad and feel like I wasn't special enough/celebrated.

 

 

Was it just the one time you felt you were not special? Had she not shown her love for you prior? What was her reasoning for missing the one b'day. I can't see myself as that fragile, but I can see how it would seem very sad.

Edited October 19, 2012 by LibraryLover

[razorbackmama]

I think I may have read the question incorrectly. For some reason I assumed this meant that a parent chose to be gone on the day the birthday is supposed to be celebrated. We rarely celebrate on the actual birthday. We usually choose the nearest Saturday for a party. Are we talking about being gone for the actual day? That would not be a big deal here. Missing the party- yes. Missing the actual day (as long as we weren't celebrating)- no. I guess I just assumed this was about a parent choosing to miss the birthday celebration. Sorry if I misunderstood!

You're actually assuming correctly. We don't actually have parties except for age 10, 13, or 16. So our celebrations consist of some sort of dessert, possibly something "neat" for us to do together as a family (like go bowling...nothing huge at ALL), possibly going out to eat (birthday person's choice, within reason LOL).

 

So in this particular instance...birthday is on a weekend, no party, just a family "celebration."

[razorbackmama]

I voted thinking in terms of being with the kids when they are young on their birthday. We do not do birthday parties and I baked their birthday cake. But they look forward to their birthdays including baking, and decorating their own cake with us. I don't see how wanting their parents to be around on their birthday would become an entitlement issue, maybe because I only have two kids so its easier to keep those days free.

This is exactly the situation I'm referring to. We don't have parties except on "big" birthdays. It's a family day.

[SKL]

My mom was in the hospital recovering from the birth of my kid brother when I turned 9. That, I understood. That was the only kid birthday (for their own kids) either of my parents ever missed, as far as I know. So I tend to feel there's a lot of sentimental value in the parents' being there, at least up to an age when they are becoming a bit independent and viewing their parents as having their own lives.

 

I was afraid I might miss my oldest's 1st birthday as her adoption process dragged on, but luckily I was able to take custody just the day before. I made a big deal of it, packing gifts and wrappings and figuring out a cake and little "party" in her birth country. So yeah, I would have a really hard time justifying a voluntary trip away from my kids on one of their birthdays. It's their most important day in the year.

[razorbackmama]

On gut, there's something about it that "feels" wrong to me. But that's just me. I'd be pretty upset if my husband had other plans and I think now that my oldest is 7, he'd ask a lot of questions about why dad couldn't be bothered to show up for his birthday. Now for us, "birthday" means the official celebration - be it large or small - and it may be postponed a day or so (for example, to the weekend). If one of us had work or illness that prevented us from being there, of course, that's understandable. But scheduling something that wasn't absolutely necessary to schedule would "feel" like, "Gee, don't I warrant a few hours of special acknowledgement on my special day?"

 

I'd feel the same way about our anniversary - life is busy and short enough - it's important to me to "protect" at least a few hours of special acknowledge for the anniversaries of our lives. The world - work, community/church obligations, etc... get enough of our family's collective time, and often, those things get priority scheduling on "regular" days, so I do feel protective of special days and even non-special days that are just about celebrating and acknowledging that we are family.

This is pretty much why I'm asking.

[LibraryLover]

You're actually assuming correctly. We don't actually have parties except for age 10, 13, or 16. So our celebrations consist of some sort of dessert, possibly something "neat" for us to do together as a family (like go bowling...nothing huge at ALL), possibly going out to eat (birthday person's choice, within reason LOL).

 

So in this particular instance...birthday is on a weekend, no party, just a family "celebration."

 

 

I am guessing this parent has a history?

[razorbackmama]

I am guessing this parent has a history?

Of?????

 

In general...I guess you could say that...but I guess it just struck me as odd, especially if the OTHER parent even THOUGHT about not being there...well...that just would not even happen.:tongue_smilie:

[LibraryLover]

Of?????

 

 

 

Not 'being there'.

[razorbackmama]

Not 'being there'.

Oh DEFINITELY.

[LibraryLover]

Oh DEFINITELY.

 

 

Which means the parent's commitment is the problem, not the date of the party.

 

:grouphug: Some folks are clueless. They don't care about the pain they cause.

[razorbackmama]

Which means the parent's commitment is the problem, not the date of the party.

Yes. There really is no party. Just choices.

 

:grouphug: Some folks are clueless. They don't care about the pain they cause.

Thank you. Birthday child will really have no idea what is going on. But her siblings will. And they know and understand. I know they know because they have voiced it to me. And that is highly disturbing to me.

 

On the flip side...the reason behind this poll is because sometimes I think I am just expecting too much...maybe I'm the one who doesn't grasp what "normal" is? So it does help (somewhat) to know that at least I'm not just being persnickity about "little" things like this.

[LibraryLover]

Yes. There really is no party. Just choices.

 

Thank you. Birthday child will really have no idea what is going on. But her siblings will. And they know and understand. I know they know because they have voiced it to me. And that is highly disturbing to me.

 

On the flip side...the reason behind this poll is because sometimes I think I am just expecting too much...maybe I'm the one who doesn't grasp what "normal" is? So it does help (somewhat) to know that at least I'm not just being persnickity about "little" things like this.

 

I think the siblings have already heard their father is a deadbeat. I hope they can find someone who can help them know their own worth, despite the father not attending the b'day of a sibling. I think people should try to shut up about it. He's not there. He could feeding the poor, for all they know. I don't think folks should dwell on where he is if it makes the kids feel sad.

 

You're talking about a parent who doesn't care/cannot connect/blows kid off/hasn't a solid bond etc. That is always going to be as sad as sad can be.

 

I hope the person you're writing about can eventually let that child know she/he is loved.

Edited October 19, 2012 by LibraryLover

[Elizabeth in MN]

I missed my dd's fourth birthday because I was *very* ill. To this day I still feel horrible guilt about that.

[kolamum]

Birthdays are big to me. I dunno why, they just are. I'd not enjoy not being there for my child's birthday. But it might be an individual thing.

[razorbackmama]

I think the siblings have already heard their father is a deadbeat. I hope they can find someone who can help them know their own worth, despite the father not attending the b'day of a sibling. I think people should try to shut up about it. He's not there. He could feeding the poor, for all they know. I don't think folks should dwell on where he is if it makes the kids feel sad.

 

You're talking about a parent who doesn't care/cannot connect/blows kid off/hasn't a solid bond etc. That is always going to be as sad as sad can be.

 

I hope the person you're writing about can eventually let that child know she/he is loved.

Ehhhhh I wouldn't say that these things are the case. Definitely not a deadbeat. And he definitely loves the child(ren). He's away so much because he thinks he doesn't have a choice. And even in this situation, he thinks he doesn't have a say in the matter when he really does.

 

Ironically, the people he's going to see *freak out* about birthdays and celebrating them. :tongue_smilie:

[Hoot]

I think it depends on the situation, but I voted that it's okay for either parent not to be there. This year, for DS's 13th birthday he wanted to go to Buffalo Wild Wings with some of his friends. It was more of a guy hang out thing and I felt like it would be odd if I went. DH said that one of the moms seemed to think it was weird that I wasn't there but DS and I had talked about it ahead of time and he was fine with me not going. We ended up having another small dinner with DH's parents as a more "family" party.

[Lizzie in Ma]

In general, I would say not ok.

[bettyandbob]

I think it's OK to miss on year here and there. This does depend a bit on individual circumstances.

 

My brother missed at least half of one of his dd's birthdays work. If he didn't have a work issue he was there, but that was because he missed so many anyway. He is certainly there for his girls whether or not he was present every birthday.

 

My dh has missed one dc birthday. It's less of a big deal, if something special comes up for him and he misses being there on that DAY. Dh rarely does anything for himself, whereas he does a lot for the dc. So, I don't think missing cake on the date of the birthday is equivalent to not being there. I haven't missed a birthday, but if I had a chance to do something special, I'd probably do it and plan the family celebration around that.

[Parrothead]

I think the family (2 parent, single parent, grandparents, etc) need to be available during any family celebration. If it is possible for this celebration to fall on the actual day then all the better.

[Plink]

So I voted Other.

...

We've always been of the mind that not every wonderful thing has to be celebrated with a party on the exact day. However, we always believe in celebrating the event. :)

 

:iagree: Parents need to be available for a celebration (we do big-deal parties/celebrations). The day is irrelevent. However, if at all possible, we would celebrate before, rather than after the actual birthday so that the child doesn't feel forgotten.

[catz]

Everyone complains about young people and their entitlement attitudes. Stuff like this is why they have entitlement issues. Kids don't need a party every year. The world doesn't revolve around them, and parents have a right to have a life and make plans of their own. Now, missing a child's wedding, or the birth of a child for a frivolous trip... NO.

 

OP- this wasn't directed at you, just my take on an issue.

 

 

ETA: and yes we celebrate birthdays around here

 

:iagree: I kind of feel this way too. When my kid's were very small we ended up having a party with my family, DH's family, and friends and the whole thing was overblown for a month. I did not like what it did for my kid's attitude. I had enough problems with my 8 year old the month of her birthday and she had 1 child sleep over, got a few family gifts, and went to American Girl Cafe on the actual day.

 

My son's 12th birthday is tomorrow! :D We're under house construction right now and only have 1 bathroom (of our usual three) and are tripping over construction materials, have cardboard permanently down everywhere (we're doing 2 bathrooms at once). So no big party right now. He's getting a sleep over thanksgiving weekend with 2 friends. A friend invited him to sleep over last night (which was just lucky!). Tomorrow, we'll do something as a family in the evening, but we have all our regular things going on all day. We acknowledge birthdays and sometimes have more traditional parties. But we don't go nuts and we usually celebrate the day that makes the most sense for our schedule. My husband has been gone for my DD's birthday and my birthday (only 2 days apart). It was not a big deal.

 

ETA - I voted other too.

Edited October 19, 2012 by kck

[In the Rain]

Hmm, clearly there is a lot of back-story to your situation. Since it is a family celebration, instead of a party with other guests attending, can you plan it for a time dh is there? My kids would have *no* problem with two celebrations. :D We would do an acknowledgement with a treat on the actual birthday, and the big cake and gifts on a day dh could be there.

 

If he is choosing to visit his family of birth on the weekend of your dd's birthday, then I am sorry. :grouphug: Some people have a hard time getting out from under the guilt their parents pile on. :001_huh: I've learned more about inlaws with boundary issues on TWM than I ever thought possible.

 

ETA I voted other

[Cera]

I think it depends on the situation. Is it something that can easily be scheduled for another time or is it something that has to be at that time or won't happen.

 

Birthdays are pretty important in our house but we are also trying to teach our kids to be flexible. The holiday (birthday in this case) is whatever day we can all be together and celebrate because it isn't the day but the time together that is important. We have moved Thanksgiving, Christmas and birthdays in the past to maximize our enjoyment of the holiday and ability to celebrate.

[Murphy101]

It's fine. We are taking some us time on a birthday soon bc that's the only weekend we can. No big deal. We'll just get him cake and a present before then. We've never done parties. We ARE the party. :)