Spin-off: Early Marriage or Not?

[Jennay]

In many of the posts on courting, dating, marriage, etc. I have seen some people state that they want their child to graduate from college before beginning a relationship.

 

I didn't get married until I was 27 - yet I had dated my DH for almost 10 years (we were high school sweethearts). Part of the reason for the wait is too much to go into right now, but part of it was the pressure for DH to finish college, get a job, etc. before getting married. I think much heartache and struggle (and failure) could have been avoided if we disregarded that advice. After reading the following article, I decided will not be opposed if my children want to get married young.

 

http://www.frederica.com/writings/lets-have-more-teen-pregnancy.html

 

I'm interested in getting more opinions on the article.

[VaKim]

If the Lord were to bring a good Christian young man into my dd's life, and they wanted to marry young, I would not be opposed.

[orangeblossom]

I got married when I was 20. We waited 9 years to have kids (by choice) and for me, it was a wonderful arrangement. We took the time to get to know each other, learn how to fully respect each other, and mature as a couple before throwing in the stress of having kids. It's a blessing, but stressful for a couple, all the same. We've been married 21 years and we love each other more than ever. We love to spend time together and make it a priority in our marriage. We remain best friends.

 

I won't recommend that my kids wait 9 years to have their own kids, but at least 5. As far as marriage age...I really think it depends on the maturity of the person. I was ready to handle marriage at 20, but my sister was not. As long as my kids are mature enough, and have a healthy outlook (mutual respect is a must, divorce isn't an option - they are ready to commit to this person for the rest of their lives), then I have no problem with them marrying young.

[Alenee]

I have to echo the previous poster. I married my dh 7 days before my 20th b-day. We had our growing pains as a couple in the first five years of marriage and worked out most of the major kinks. The earlier part of our marriage wasn't as enjoyable as we would've liked however it has made the rest of the years that much sweeter.

 

Also, though, at some point I think we do need to go hands-off and allow our kids to make their own decisions. I would hopefully be able to give advice but then back off and allow them their space to make the decision. This is what I hope to have happen. I still have quite a while though to formulate my opinions.

[LauraGB]

For me, it will depend on the wisdom, maturity and attitude of the child/young adult in question. And also the partner of choice. I was 25 when I was married. (I am unbelievably glad I didn't marry who I was dating at 20! Yikes.)

[abbeyej]

I think in some ways the article paints an overly rosy picture of the past -- but I understand too that sometimes one has to overstate things a bit when they're trying to counter such a widely held belief...

 

For myself, I was 20 and dh was barely 22 when we got married. Our first child was born within the year (after I turned 21). And I wouldn't change a thing about it. We did have it a little easier, since we had both graduated with our BAs by then, and dh was a year into his MA/PhD program... We knew we wanted to get married then, but we did buy into the idea that we should wait to have kids. I'm glad that didn't work out. ;) It was terrifying at the time (when we realized I was pregnant with ds), but mostly because we had been told for so long that we were *supposed* to wait to have kids (without ever being terribly clear as to why).

 

But I'm very grateful that (through no particular wisdom, planning or insight on my part), we did marry young (by today's standards) and have our children young. We were so very flexible at that age -- so much more ready to accept the compromises it took to mold to each other, to live with each other, and to fit children into our lives.

 

And I definitely think the author has a point that asking kids to "wait" for *decades* past puberty in some cases for any sort of sexual contact is so counter to nature as to be bound for failure (across a population -- certainly some individuals in any age have been able to remain chaste).

 

I can't say what I will do when my own children are older... But I have absolutely no regrets about my own (relatively) early marriage and child-bearing. (And goodness knows if I were lucky enough to get pregnant again, I'd be more tired now at 30 than I was in my early 20s! Capable still, but even more tired!)

[Jenny in Atl]

I've been with my dh since I was 18 and he was 17. We started living together when I was 21 and he was 20. We did not get married till I was 25 and he was 24. Had our first child when we were 30 and 29. I guess we are not your usual couple.

 

I honestly have no view on when I would like my dds to marry or if they marry at all. My only wish is if they do, it's to someone they really love and that person loves and respects them back.

[Susan in KY]

For me, it will depend on the wisdom, maturity and attitude of the child/young adult in question. And also the partner of choice. I was 25 when I was married. (I am unbelievably glad I didn't marry who I was dating at 20! Yikes.)

:iagree:

[The Governess]

If you have found the person you know you want to be with forever, without a doubt, I don't see why you should wait to marry. I met my DH when I was 19 and married him when I was 21. After 2 years of dating, we couldn't think of any reason to wait. I finished my last year of college after we were married.

 

But then, I like commitment and don't really get it when people delay marriage until reaching some sort of milestone. If you're planning on doing it, why wait until you're done with school/have a house/are financially secure? It was fun going through all of these stages with my DH while we were married. And if we were waiting for financial security, we would still be waiting....:lol:

 

I also agree with the previous poster that early marriage gives you a nice amount of time together before the biological clock kicks in. We had 5 years together before DD1 was born, and I was 26 when I had her. For me, it was perfect.

[Joanne]

My concise response:

 

Our culture, pace, society, demands and responsibilities have changed and gotten more complex. This is one reason for the change in average age of marriage AND a driving force for the "wait" advice.

 

And now the longer one:

 

The slogans of teen abstinence programs reveal a basic fact of human nature: teens, sex, and waiting aren’t a natural combination.

 

 

I absolutely, completely agree.

 

Younger moms and dads are likely be more nimble at child-rearing as well, less apt to be exhausted by toddlers’ perpetual motion, less creaky-in-the-joints when it’s time to swing from the monkey bars. I suspect that younger parents will also be more patient with boys-will-be-boys rambunction, and less likely than weary 40-somethings to beg pediatricians for drugs to control supposed pathology.

 

This was assumptive, hyperbole and fairly insulting and agist.

 

Humans are designed to reproduce in their teens, and they’re potentially very good at it. That’s why they want to so much.

 

If this is true, I'm biologically able to reproduce today (ok, let's say 9 months from tonight) - at 42. That would put me in the old, creaky, impatient and less than able bunch.

 

 

Financial ability isn’t our only concern, however; we’re convinced that young people are simply incapable of adult responsibility. We expect that they will have poor control of their impulses, be self-centered and emotional, and be incapable of visualizing consequences. (It’s odd that kids thought to be too irresponsible for marriage are expected instead to practice heroic abstinence or diligent contraception.)

 

This is true, I think.

 

The assumption of teen irresponsibility has broader roots that just our estimation of the nature of adolescence; it involves our very idea of the purpose of childhood.

 

This is also true, I think we've become very child centered in in detrimental ways.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

ETA: I am not offering generalizations on this at all; I don't believe they have merit. Waiting until a certain age to marry, waiting a length of time for kids, even "divorce not being an option" don't seem to bring the situation specific factors to the situations that require them most.

 

I say equip your minor kids to be the best they can as spouses, parents, adult children of aging parents. Teach them how to recognize their need for help if they need it and how to discern what resources to use. (Side bar: I do like the article author's emphasis on community/extended family).

 

While I think there IS merit to the "training for divorce" idea in his article, I think that "divorce is not an option" is a dangerous message to impose on a person.

[Karenciavo]

I'm not opposed to early marriage.

[bkpan]

I was 31yo and dh was 29yo when we married. Due to life circumstances, I was not ready to marry young, but I hope that my dc are free to make that choice. What I mean is that dh and I are committed to our dc being raised in a stable home and given every opportunity to grow in maturity. When children are given that stability, perhaps they will have greater wisdom at a younger age.

 

Of course, that is just our hope and prayer for our kids. I don't know how stable and mature they will each be at younger ages. If they are wise, and capable of independence, we would fully support their marrying at a young age.

 

I wish I had been spared a lot of bad experiences that occurred before I married.

 

Kim

[DB in NJ]

I am absolutely NOT opposed to early marriage. Obviously, there are circumstances that would cause me to oppose early marriage, but in theory? Nope. Not opposed at all.

[DB in NJ]

This was assumptive, hyperbole and fairly insulting and agist.

 

If this is true, I'm biologically able to reproduce today (ok, let's say 9 months from tonight) - at 42. That would put me in the old, creaky, impatient and less than able bunch.

 

I think that "divorce is not an option" is a dangerous message to impose on a person.

 

Why on earth would you find that insulting? Don't you get it that there are EXCEPTIONS to every rule? In no way was it put that *EVERY* older couple is creaky, impatient, and less than able.

 

Before we got married, dh and I both felt very strongly that divorce was not an option. And thank God we did! All too often - NOT EVERY TIME - it's an out for one person and nightmare for everyone else. But we've had that conversation already.

 

"Divorce is not an option" is NOT a dangerous message. It's a biblical one. I know, you're going to talk about abuse and other awful things that can happen in a marriage where a person who has been abused lacks the strength to go against that advice and leave her husband. Again, there's the exception and the rule.

[summer]

I think when you find the right person, that is when the time is right. Some of us just were ready to get married and then just married whomever we happened to be dating at that point in time. I definitely do not think marriage should interfere with college. So, if that person comes along before college, then it should be something where both of you can go to the same college.

 

But...aside from that, early marriage often fails. People have not really figured out what they want out of life and if both partners do not go in the same direction..well..they will have big issues.

[PariSarah]

I would support my child in a young marriage, if I thought it was a *good* marriage.

 

I think early marriage following abstinence and accompanied by lots of communal support is a better societal structure than our current one.

 

I am trying to raise my children such that they will be young adults, not old children, when they are 18.

 

I can't micro-manage my kids such that everything will turn out the way I want it to, but I do plan to encourage my kids to think through these things and to try to make wise decisions.

[Joanne]

Why on earth would you find that insulting? Don't you get it that there are EXCEPTIONS to every rule? In no way was it put that *EVERY* older couple is creaky, impatient, and less than able.

 

Um. The article was the one that was generalizing beyond practicality. Why the tone?

 

Rule? There is nothing "rule like" about the part I quoted.

 

Before we got married, dh and I both felt very strongly that divorce was not an option. And thank God we did! All too often - NOT EVERY TIME - Iit's an out for one person and nightmare for everyone else. But we've had that conversation already.

 

"Divorce is not an option" is NOT a dangerous message. It's a biblical one. I know, you're going to talk about abuse and other awful things that can happen in a marriage where a person who has been abused lacks the strength to go against that advice and leave her husband. Again, there's the exception and the rule.

 

In application, "Divorce is not an option" has been a hurtful, difficult, and damaging idea from the conservative Christian community.

 

And, no, I'm not going to talk about abuse.

[DB in NJ]

In application, "Divorce is not an option" has been a hurtful, difficult, and damaging idea from the conservative Christian community.

 

 

Please link me to the statistics that back that up.

[Gretchen in NJ]

Why on earth would you find that insulting? Don't you get it that there are EXCEPTIONS to every rule? In no way was it put that *EVERY* older couple is creaky, impatient, and less than able.

 

Before we got married, dh and I both felt very strongly that divorce was not an option. And thank God we did! All too often - NOT EVERY TIME - it's an out for one person and nightmare for everyone else. But we've had that conversation already.

 

"Divorce is not an option" is NOT a dangerous message. It's a biblical one. I know, you're going to talk about abuse and other awful things that can happen in a marriage where a person who has been abused lacks the strength to go against that advice and leave her husband. Again, there's the exception and the rule.

:iagree: I have to say that I totally agree here. There is an exception to every rule, but that doesn't mean that they rule should not exist.

 

I had my children in my early thirties and I really wish that I had them in my late teens to early twenties. I had a lot more energy back then and I wish I had it to share with my children and not wasted it on all that bar hopping I did back then.

[chaik76]

Recently I've seen a lot of people stating that they want their children to be financially stable before marrying. While I think that's wonderful, I wouldn't follow it as my rule of thumb. There are people that because of job choice or for whatever other reason, will never be financially stable.

I think it is more a case of when people are emotionally mature enough to marry. I was married at 24, and I think that was a relatively good age for me...but I've still grown a lot since then!

I really think it depends on the individual...some people are ready to marry at 18, some aren't until they're fifty.

[muffinmom]

For me, it will depend on the wisdom, maturity and attitude of the child/young adult in question. And also the partner of choice.

 

:iagree: I was almost 21 when I married (dh was 22). We finished college together. We had a great time and enough income (dh has always been an entrepreneur). We didn't have kids until almost 12 years later (not by choice).

 

Marrying early was a great choice for us. I know it's not for everybody--just depends on the situation and person.

 

I think one advantage of marrying earlier is that you can get to know your spouse and develop that husband/wife relationship without the pressure to satisfy your biological clock that a lot of women find themselves rushing to do these days, because they've put it off for so long. Seems that the marriage relationship then takes a backseat to the children, which to me is not the order it should take.

[Guest Katia]

Ok, first I guess my idea of getting married 'early' is very different from most of the posters here that I've read so far.

 

When I got married I was barely 22. I felt old. All my friends had already married and I had been in a relationship that was marriage bound at 18 that got all messed up........anyhow....

 

My feelings are that getting married at 16 or 17 is 'early'. Anything after that is adult and certainly not early.

 

I supposed my own family experience has to do with this line of thinking. Both my grandmothers, maternal and paternal, were married at 15 and had babies at 16. They remained married until death did them part in their 90's. Yep. No divorce there.

 

Same with my mom and dad. They started dating when they were 14 in 8th grade, and got married exactly one month after they graduated high school. Still married, except mom died 2 years ago. This year would be their 60th anniversary.

 

So....I don't have bad experiences with 'early' marriages, but I also don't think marrying in your early 20's is 'early'. That is just....normal. Late 20's is getting out there and 30's is LATE marriage in my book.

 

Would I have a problem if my dds wanted to get married between 18 and 22ish? No. But honestly, they aren't even interested in dating yet at 16 and 19.....but I would have let them date at 16 if they were interested.

 

My mom always told me when the 'right' man came along I'd know, and I did. Even with all the dating I did before-hand. She believed in my ability to pick my own mate, and I believe in my dds ability to do the same, at whatever age.

 

BTW, I'm a conservative Christian and pastor's wife for whatever that information is worth. I just don't go with this cult-ish courtship thing that seems so popular right now.

[Heather in Neverland]

My sons can marry when God sends them the right person and they are able to support a family financially. This has nothing to do with age for me but with emotional maturity and fiscal responsibility. My sons will NOT get married young only to live with their wives in my basement, etc. They do not get to "play house" without accepting the responsibility of adulthood.

 

My brother got a good job right out of high school and was married 2 weeks after he turned 21. I waited until I was finished with my degrees and got married at 26. Both situations were perfectly acceptable in my family.

[Rosie_0801]

Please link me to the statistics that back that up.

 

Statistics are less meaningful than personal experiences. Instead, try reflecting on some of the marriage related threads on this board. Some of the things I read here freak me out.

 

Rosie

[DB in NJ]

Statistics are less meaningful than personal experiences. Instead, try reflecting on some of the marriage related threads on this board. Some of the things I read here freak me out.

 

Rosie

 

Joanne said, "In application, "Divorce is not an option" has been a hurtful, difficult, and damaging idea from the conservative Christian community." This is stated as though it were a fact. I'd like to see the statistics that prove this as fact. If there is a scientific study out there that backs this up, great. If not, isn't this really just opinion?

[Gretchen in NJ]

I think one could argue that the abundance of divorce has hurt our culture. Some couples have good reasons, but most others just don't.

[Jenny in Atl]

I think one could argue that the abundance of divorce has hurt our culture. Some couples have good reasons, but most others just don't.

 

And I think this is a direct result of many not fully understanding that the lust does not last, that marriage is work (hard never ending work), and that for it to really last, the partners must be willing to grow and learn from each other. The couples I look up to have done this. I hope my dh and I are still on that road. 25 years this Nov, so far so good.

[DB in NJ]

And I think this is a direct result of many not fully understanding that the lust does not last, that marriage is work (hard never ending work), and that for it to really last, the partners must be willing to grow and learn from each other. The couples I look up to have done this. I hope my dh and I are still on that road. 25 years this Nov, so far so good.

 

Exactly. A wise person told me and dh that if you think you're supposed to feel that "in love" feeling for the next 50 or so years, you're delusional. The love you have for one another is a completely different thing than the "in love" feeling. "In love" comes and goes; true love stays put.

[Gretchen in NJ]

And I think this is a direct result of many not fully understanding that the lust does not last, that marriage is work (hard never ending work), and that for it to really last, the partners must be willing to grow and learn from each other. The couples I look up to have done this. I hope my dh and I are still on that road. 25 years this Nov, so far so good.

 

Exactly. A wise person told me and dh that if you think you're supposed to feel that "in love" feeling for the next 50 or so years, you're delusional. The love you have for one another is a completely different thing than the "in love" feeling. "In love" comes and goes; true love stays put.

 

Thank you. I could not find the words earlier. Thank you for expressing them for me.

[StephinAL]

I have mixed feelings about this. I would dare say I was one of the youngest brides on the board as I married at 17.5 and my dh was a year older. I finished highschool and we both went on to college but haven't finished. I got pregnant my first semester of college and had four children by 26. My dh is just now finishing his degree. I guess if you don't have children right away it is easier to finish your education and have time to grow up together, but having children so young wasn't easy for me. I am 36 now and my oldest is 17. I wouldn't change anything though and am looking forward to being in my mid 40's and having time being more financially secure with my dh, enjoying grown children and possibly grandchildren. I do feel like it is better to finish your education before having children and that is what I encourage my children to do. I also feel like I missed out on some of the independence that comes with young adulthood because I was saddled with alot of responsibility. I guess that is why my dh is so insistent that my dd not date before 18.

[Peela]

Oh, you probably don't want my kind of opinion, but still, here it is.

I hope that I can provide enough emotional and financial support so that my children dont feel they need to rush into anything, into any kind of relationship, long or short term, on the basis of desperation or neediness. I hope that they consider our home their home until they are emotionally ready to move out into the world on their own.

But I don't care if they live with a partner or whether they ever marry. I don't think marriage is the be all and end all of raising kids well, of having a good relationship, and it's not what I intend to focus on. I intend to focus on teaching skills for long term relationship, discussing the difficulties of that and the huge responsibilities of having children. I want to make sure my daughter doesn't get herself into "trouble", or my son for that matter. But hey, in the end, I would support them no matter what, and i wouldn't want to push them into marriage for any reason whatsoever- i would simply encourage and support them to be responsible people.

I am one of those who feel marriage can be a wonderful thing as a cementing of a committed relationship, but in this day and age, I am in no illusion that is can create a committed relationship all on its own- the 50% divorce rate attests to that. So it's not my focus as I have no moral issues around it- its a social institution to me, and one that is going through immense changes in our times, for better AND for worse, for some. I don't feel at all that my kids were disadvataged before their father and I married (they were ages 3 and 5) nor do I think they are at any advantage since we got married, just because we got officially married. Times are different, and I prefer them now, personally, particularly from the woman's perspective.

[HSMom2One]

Feelings come and go over the years, so in marriage the definition of love is often expressed by commitment. It is like being in a boat and hanging on, staying in the boat through the rough waters as well as the calm. The goal is simply to stay in the boat. Any long term relationship is like this -- you have to look at the big picture instead of the day, the week, or even the month or year you are in. Feelings of love will be there over the years, but they will surface and be very strong in some seasons while weaker or less obvious in others. Feelings just aren't what it's all about though. So many people in our culture just don't understand that.

 

I think people can be perfectly ready for marriage at a young age as long as they can comprehend this idea. Our grandparents did and most of them stayed in the same marriage for life. In fact, my parents met when they were 13 and 17 and they married 4 years later when my mom was just out of high school. They were the only ones for each other until my dad died 46 years later. They really loved each other and understood the big picture thing.

 

My husband and I are survivors of painful pasts, divorces with children, and the whole nine yards. We each had very good reasons for what happened, and would have stayed in our previous marriages if that had been an option. We made a commitment to each other with this marriage, however, that we will never divorce no matter how hard it gets. Neither of us ever want to go through that kind of hell again. Just knowing that we've promised this to ourselves and each other has given me so much peace in this marriage of 14 years. We even have a big beautiful certificate signed and framed to remind us of that commitment to stay together for life.

 

Blessings,

Lucinda

[Caroline]

Steph, thank you for sharing your experience.

[Rosie_0801]

Joanne said, "In application, "Divorce is not an option" has been a hurtful, difficult, and damaging idea from the conservative Christian community." This is stated as though it were a fact. I'd like to see the statistics that prove this as fact. If there is a scientific study out there that backs this up, great. If not, isn't this really just opinion?

 

I'm not sure statistics are a terribly meaningful. Statistics on a topic likes this would have to be compiled from surveys, which are just opinions after all. What sort of statistics are you after? Or is your issue the mention of Christianity? Would you feel better if we said "The opinion and practice of the 'Divorce is not an option' view of marriage has led many people to remain in hurful, difficult and damaging relationships that they might otherwise have left." I have not met any non-religious people with such a strong disbelief in divorce, so while I did not write the original statement, I am left believing that it is indeed a conservative religous point of view. Since Christianity is the dominant religion in America, it seems likely it would be conservative Christianity. I don't think where the idea came from is really the important part of the message.

Rosie

[Mrs Mungo]

I honestly have no view on when I would like my dds to marry or if they marry at all. My only wish is if they do, it's to someone they really love and that person loves and respects them back.

 

I agree with this sentiment.

 

"Divorce is not an option" is NOT a dangerous message. It's a biblical one.

 

That's actually not true. Even Christ said sexual immorality was just cause for a divorce.

 

My husband and I married when I was 21 and he was 22, just after he graduated college. I got pregnant around our first anniversary (while on Depo-Provera). We've had rough spots for sure but we've lasted longer than many of our friends who married later. Marriage isn't always easy, that's for sure.

[cin]

as of July we have four grandbabies, though the oldest is barely two. I’m 49.

 

I'm 43 and my kids are 7 & 4 But we were married young. I was 23 and he was 21. We just never figured out how babies were made :D so we finally went across the pond to find some.

[Catherine]

I think your words are rational and make perfect sense. Personally, I think commitment, respect, loyalty, hard work and shared life experience are what make a successful relationship, marriage or no. Married people haven't cornered the market on these qualities.

 

I am saddened by the common-ness of divorce, but I think that has as much to do with our culture's promotion of immaturity as anything. It think it is painful and unhelpful to see divorce as merely a moral issue. It is so much more.

[StephinAL]

Steph, thank you for sharing your experience.

Sure and I would like to add that by all appearances we were considered more mature than our peers (and to some extent probably were) but still had alot of growing up to do. That is why I don't assume because my 17yo seems mature for her age that she is truly ready for what it takes to maintain an adult relationship with adult responsibilities. I can see now how immature and selfish we were. We will be married 19 years this December, all praise be to God. I did not really know what love was, but I have learned and am glad we hung in there. The funny thing is, I tell my dh all the time I want to know what it is like to get married as an adult and have another wedding. I'm also kind of embarrased about my wedding pics because we looked young for our age on top of being young, so we looked like we were about 12, lol.

[beansprouts]

I would support my child in a young marriage, if I thought it was a *good* marriage.

 

I think early marriage following abstinence and accompanied by lots of communal support is a better societal structure than our current one.

 

I am trying to raise my children such that they will be young adults, not old children, when they are 18.

 

I can't micro-manage my kids such that everything will turn out the way I want it to, but I do plan to encourage my kids to think through these things and to try to make wise decisions.

 

 

:iagree: Another thoughtful response, Sarah :001_smile:

 

I personally have known several young married couples who successfully completed college together. I do not think marriage and education need be mutually exclusive. In fact I think two people supporting each other, emotionally, spiritually as well as financially could be extremely valuable. If that right person appear early in my child's life, I would support them 100%.

[Philothea]

My hope is to prepare my children for whatever kind of state they enter into.

 

It could be possible that my son will enter minor seminary at the age of 13, and graduate to major seminary and get ordained as a priest...Then again he could find the perfect young lady at the same age and want to get married.

 

I think it is my job to prepare them, counsel them, and help them grow into maturity by the time they are the age that they will make these decisions.

 

I guess the only age consideration I have as a Catholic would be Canon law, and then state law. (Canon law says that women must be 14 and men 16 to marry). But I don't see that those ages would be the age my kids will marry!

 

I think younger people make great parents when they come from a home where they understand the roles of husband, wife and the duties of parents. And even if they don't have that kind of training, many people grow into the sort of parent that is needed to parent their children.

[ereks mom]

Dh & I were married the summer after our sophomore year of college. Dh worked full-time & I worked part-time until we both finished college, then we both got full-time jobs.

 

We have struggled financially for our entire married life, and that stress has been tremendous. I think that our financial situation would have been much better if we had waited to get married until after college & becoming established in our jobs.

 

Dh was (is) definitely the right person for me, but our timing was probably *wrong*. I do not want my dc to struggle as dh & I have struggled. I think that both partners should be financially stable before marriage.

[Jami]

:iagree: Another thoughtful response, Sarah :001_smile:

 

I personally have known several young married couples who successfully completed college together. I do not think marriage and education need be mutually exclusive. In fact I think two people supporting each other, emotionally, spiritually as well as financially could be extremely valuable. If that right person appear early in my child's life, I would support them 100%.

 

We married after our sophomore year and I finished my BA two years later and then did a year of grad. school while dh finished his 5 year program. I know for *us* being married as students was fantastic. Grants were available to us that hadn't been while we were dependents of our parents, I was able to help dh navigate the system a bit better than he had been doing on his own ;), we didn't waste energy on dating and new relationships and got more studying done then many of our single friends (and had other benefits :D). But we didn't have any children for more than 4 years, I'm sure that changes things quite a bit.

 

We've certainly had rough times in the past 11 years. And we've grown and changed a lot. But I think marriage and children have matured us in ways we wouldn't have otherwise. I mean, as much as one can know that sort of thing in hindsight. But I know my nature, and if I'd enjoyed a single career life or even a double-income no kids life for a very extended time I would have really struggled to step away from that in the name of sacrificing for a husband or children. Not that others are naturally that way, I'm just a pretty self-centered person unless worked upon by outside forces. :001_smile:

 

Jami

[beansprouts]

Dh & I were married the summer after our sophomore year of college. Dh worked full-time & I worked part-time until we both finished college, then we both got full-time jobs.

 

We have struggled financially for our entire married life, and that stress has been tremendous. I think that our financial situation would have been much better if we had waited to get married until after college & becoming established in our jobs.

 

Dh was (is) definitely the right person for me, but our timing was probably *wrong*. I do not want my dc to struggle as dh & I have struggled. I think that both partners should be financially stable before marriage.

 

 

I don't know... I actually remember with fondness the years dh and I would scrape change so we could put a few gallons of gas in our car. Sure, we struggled, but that is part of what matured us. Perhaps, to use Tevye's words: we were so happy we didn't know how miserable we were. :lol:

 

We were struggling anyways. Who wants to struggle alone??

[Natalieclare]

I liked growing up with my dh. If my kids would like to do things that way and I respect the prospective spouse, fine by me.

 

I met my dh when I was 18 and I just knew he was someone worth changing around my plans. We married when I was 20 and he was 23. I finished up my degree with a 1 year old and 5 months pregnant with #2 while my dh went to medical school. We had so much fun going through school together--in some ways he had more time as a med student than he has ever had since, so he really got to be there for those first 2 babies.

 

We didn't have that rough first year (or 5) that you sometimes hear mentioned. We did have a bumpy ride as we transitioned from the student lifestyle to real-life-round-the-calendar schedule. That was at year 5. But, no harm done. Just a hurdle that stretched us out a bit and made us stronger.

 

Ultimately, I trust that God has a plan for my kids and I will trust my kids to listen to the Lord (they are confessing Christians). I don't presume to know exactly what this plan looks like!

 

ETA: I forgot to add that I think our early years of being dead broke together gave us a wonderful foundation. Last year, in order to get into a private practice that really matched his philosophy of medicine, he had to take a part time position which required us to live on half the salary we'd gotten used to. Half. And in our area his original salary was under the mean. I had no problem facing an extreme budget crunch--we cut our early married teeth on that biscuit!

[lighthouseacademy]

I met my dh 2 months before I turned 18 when I was a senior in highschool. He was a few months shy of 22 and a college student. We were friends for a few months and started dating 2 months after I turned 18. We dated for a year and half and were married 4 months before I turned 20. We spent the next 3 yrs BOTH full time college students supporting ourselves. We graduated on the same day with me 6 weeks pregnant with #1. We will be celebrating our 10th anniversary this coming September. We were quite happy being poor starving students together and have had a great marriage. Yes, we struggled financially with each of us working a part time job and going to school full time. I think one year we lived on 14000 for the year (yes you read that right). We did have grants and scholarships to pay for our school tuition and books. We graduated 2000 in debt from a loan dh got just before we married because his parents no longer were willing to pay his tuition at the school we went to because he wouldn't babysit his brother at another college. We have had times of struggle financially, but rather minimally compared to some. We are debt free except for our home and I have always been a SAHM. We bought our first house 1 yr after we graduated. Before our marriage we practiced abstinence and never lived together.

 

I don't think that waiting until you are older is the answer to the problems of marriage. I think the answers are that the 2 people have the same basic beliefs in terms of religion, approach to marriage, and common goals in life. I think it is essential to respect one another and to expect to work together. I also think that being best friends is so important- if you turn to someone other than your spouse with your problems, then you are setting yourself up for problems. I think that ultimately a commitment to marriage for the long haul is good. Obviously if there is abuse then divorce is warranted, but "incompatibility" doesn't even make sense to me (sorry- if you love the person enough to marry them, then there is something there that is compatible).

Furthermore, studies have shown that people who live together before marriage are twice as likely to divorce as those who do not.

[Nakia]

It's strange that you shared this because I have been really thinking about this a lot lately. I was 20 and Patrick was 22 when we got married. And we will celebrate 10 hard, wonderful, stressful, beautiful years on August 1st. For us, it was the right time. We were young but ready. He was done with college, and I was almost done with nursing school. I already pray for my daughters' future spouses, and if God chooses to put them together when they are 15 (like I was!) then wonderful!

 

I think this is one of the best parts of the article!

 

"In generations past a young couple would be surrounded by family and friends who could guide and support them, not just in navigating the shoals of new marriage, but also in the practical skills of making a family work, keeping a budget, repairing a leaky roof, changing a leaky diaper."

 

I think this is key!!!

[WTMindy]

I confess that I have not read all the posts. To me, it totally depends on the people. I know very wonderful marriages who married young and I know immature ones who married later. I just could never even begin to make a generalization on this one.

[Delighted3]

My husband and I married young. I was 19 and he was 21. We also had children right away. As far as marrying young, all I can say is I would rather my kids marry young than have s*x before marriage, but I think that all depends on when they find the person they are ready to commit to for the rest of their lives.

 

I totally agree with the statement that people should not regard divorce as an "option". My husband and I had a lot of problems in the first 4 years of our marriage and the only thing that prevented us from getting a divorce was that neither one of us could afford to leave:) We both threatened to divorce the other plenty of times. It wasn't until we became christians and we both decided that divorce simply wasn't an option that we made true progress in dealing with the problems in our marriage and we will be married 20 years next year and I wouldn't change a thing.

Joy

[JWSJ]

The article was of little value to me.

 

The article's rationalizations seem seeped in a grandmother's want of more grandchildren.

 

I've seen so many failed marriages (especially couples married young) that this article seems to make a mistaken point/path.

[angela in ohio]

I would prefer (if it were up to me, which it ultimately isn't) that my dc get married young. That's just based on what we have seen around us IRL.