Wanting advice on inlaw situation

[justLisa]

Would you really assume it's not malicious if your family members told you to bring your kids to a celebration at a restaurant and NOT EAT? I just can't get over the fact that a GRANDMOTHER would do this.

 

CAMom, my mil was ALWAYS so nasty towards me. I tried so hard with her. I finally gave up entirely after 19 years, 17 married. I overlooked her coming to my home for dinner when I was cooking and bringing all her own food, then serving it and bragging about it to everyone, telling me she "can't eat that stuff." Even when I prepared food like she did and it tasted delicious. She would bring baked goods to our home when we lived next door to her or when we invited her here for the weekend after we moved. She would tell me they were for dh and the kids. She complained about everything I did, every time she saw me. She would wait for dh to leave the room to put her digs into me. And that's just a few issues to mention, a few of MANY. She had NOBODY in her life because she fought with everyone. Even now her dd's don't see her at all, one calls periodically. She is now in a nursing home. Anyway, the day she told me my dh could have a girlfriend because of all the money he pays to take care of "so many kids and animals" was the day that I said enough. She has not been back to our house since, and that was over five years ago. That May when I gave her a gift for her birthday and she complained about it, then gave dh the quilt I had made for her in CHina to give back to me, she never again got a gift. I used to go bring the kids and dogs to visit her in the nursing home but she really cared about nobody other than dh. I haven't seen her in years. I don't miss her and I don't feel bad.

 

I just don't do "crazy" anymore.

 

I think honoring our mothers on Mother's Day is a great thing, but we are mothers, too. I did spend Mother's Day with my mom. But I never once spent it with my mil. I have always encouraged a relationship between dh and his mom and I support it. But I will have nothing to do with her ever again. She was a crappy, crappy mother, and she has always been a crappy, crappy mil and grandmother.

 

I don't understand why mil's like her don't realize that they are pushing EVERYONE away. I really hope your dh has a long talk with her and lays down the law. What she was wanting your son to do is completely heartless and cruel. AND your dh's REAL family IS you and the kids. How ridiculous for your mil to insinuate otherwise?

 

EXACTLY. And those kinds of crazies know what they are up to.

 

I would put them on ignore.

[JVA]

I don't understand why mil's like her don't realize that they are pushing EVERYONE away. I really hope your dh has a long talk with her and lays down the law. What she was wanting your son to do is completely heartless and cruel. AND your dh's REAL family IS you and the kids. How ridiculous for your mil to insinuate otherwise?

 

Amen, Denise. :iagree::iagree:

[stripe]

Would you really assume it's not malicious if your family members told you to bring your kids to a celebration at a restaurant and NOT EAT? I just can't get over the fact that a GRANDMOTHER would do this.

 

I guess it depends how angry you want to get about something and to what degree you feel comfortable assigning motives to others. I do not understand why a grandmother would do this, but neither do I think it is appropriate to add more rudeness to the equation. I know lots of people suggest those with dietary restrictions come along and just don't eat. My boss said this to a client (his friend) of many, many years, who kept kosher, as an example. I see it all the time. People think vegetarians can just pick the bacon bits off their salad. And so on.

 

I wouldn't ask the one without the dietary restrictions to pick the restaurant. I would pick, offer choices from a safe list, or invite her to my home.

[somo_chickenlady]

Hmmm...sounds just like my own mother. I just refuse to play her games, and usually just ignore her when she starts that stuff up. If she wants to act like a child and refuse to speak to us, then fine. That's her choice, and I don't let it affect me nor do I try to get her to change b/c she won't. She didn't speak to me the entire last half of my pregnancy b/c she was mad at me. She decided to act like a grown up right before I gave birth b/c she wanted to play the doting grandma card.

 

There have been lots of other times where she has done this. We actually moved to a different state to get away from them so we didn't have to deal with them so much. She has been WAY better since we moved. Thankfully, she never puts DS in between, and last year on his birthday she sent him a really nice gift in the mail.

[Reflections]

Maybe you could change your perspective a bit: WWYD if you were the mil/grandmother and your darling grandchild had an allergy and your dil/sil were trying hard to please you on MD?? How would you feel? Would you ask to go to any restaurant that pleased you alone and demand he not eat there? Would you text under the guise of being your husband? Would you not send your other grandchild a birthday gift because you were mad at your dil/sil?

 

If you don't accept this kind of behavior in yourself why do you accept it in her???

 

It's her, not you. It's her, not your husband. It's her, not your children. It's her loss, not yours.

[G5052]

It's her, not you. It's her, not your husband. It's her, not your children. It's her loss, not yours.

 

My mother used to do this type of thing for almost every event: Christmas, Mother's Day, birthdays, graduations, etc. etc. You name it, it was her way or the highway. We were always miserable while she was queen for a day.

 

In adulthood I learned to set the boundaries and accept that we would never be close. She never did form a relationship with my husband and children.

[Myeightkiddies]

I would cease trying to communicate with her. Don't call, text, etc. Make plans for the holidays that exclude her. Next Mother's Day, send a card - with no gift. "Punishing" you and your dh is one thing, a ridiculous thing, but using your daughter to get to you is absolutely inexcusable.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

I hate that you are going through this.

[blakereese]

I would just like to add that you said the drama generally centers around Mother's Day. I have experience with this phenomenon, and it means something like your MIL doesn't accept that she's not "the mother" any more, hates that you are, and wants to punish you for it.

 

I'm guessing anyway ;).

 

Ding! Ding! Ding! :iagree:

 

This is totally the case with my MIL and she is the same kind of "nut". LOL I am lucky though, she lives 1,000 miles away. Still, the drama can be heard in MA all the way from IL. :glare:

[CAMom]

Wow! You guys are awesome and have given me a lot to think about! Thank you for taking the time to talk through it with me.

 

I'm going to go through the responses again and give some additional info and thoughts.

 

I did want to add to what Nakia said here since she's been with me for years on another board.;)

 

Oh just send her some chocolate covered strawberries next time, lol!! Sorry, friend, but I had to throw that in there!

 

I remember lots of your mil stories. Goodness, I have no advice. What does Don think you should do? If I were you, I would refuse to have any contact with her. Let him deal with his momma.

 

Three or four years ago, we were attempting to take mil out for MD. (BTW, she insists she wants to go out every year for MD and her birthday.) She said she wasn't available MD weekend so my dh told her we'd take her out the next weekend. In the meantime, I was ordering some chocolate covered strawberries for my mom who lives 1200 miles away. I asked dh if he would like me to send some to his mom, too, so she would have something on MD weekend. He said yes.

 

That didn't go well! Dh got a call the next day from his dad (while he could hear his mom crying in the background) complaining about the gift. First, fil said, mil was on a diet and dh should have known that if he was better in touch with his mom. :confused: Second, "is that all you are getting her? I hope you are going to make it up to her." This was a $70 box of strawberries and it was just an extra gesture until we could actually get together the next week. I just wanted her to have something special on the actual MD weekend. Fil said that dh needed to call his mother and apologize and make plans to see her. I think she didn't speak to us for about 6 weeks that time.

 

Just a few months after that, dh got a call from his dad to talk about Christmas. Fil said, "We're not going to exchange gifts with you guys this year because we don't need anymore white elephant gifts.":001_huh: What kind of gifts to we normally give? Nice bottles of wine as they like to entertain in their home, tickets to a mystery dinner theater, $200 gift certificate to Ruth's Chris Steakhouse, etc.

 

Two years or so before on MD, mil wanted to go to Red Lobster on Saturday at 6pm the day before MD. When we got there it was about a two hour wait. We tried a few other restaurants that she suggested and they were all the same. We suggested going to Corner Bakery which is where we went. Fil called a few days later asking dh when he was going to make it up to mil because Corner Bakery was not an "appropriate place for MD dinner."

 

That's just a few of a long line of incidents like this!;)

[CAMom]

Dear MIL, my child and the whole family are allergic to nuts. Therefore, you make us break out in hives whenever you're around. We are a nut-free household and can no longer participate in your drama.

 

:lol::lol::lol:

[blakereese]

 

Three or four years ago, we were attempting to take mil out for MD. (BTW, she insists she wants to go out every year for MD and her birthday.) She said she wasn't available MD weekend so my dh told her we'd take her out the next weekend. In the meantime, I was ordering some chocolate covered strawberries for my mom who lives 1200 miles away. I asked dh if he would like me to send some to his mom, too, so she would have something on MD weekend. He said yes.

 

That didn't go well! Dh got a call the next day from his dad (while he could hear his mom crying in the background) complaining about the gift. First, fil said, mil was on a diet and dh should have known that if he was better in touch with his mom. :confused: Second, "is that all you are getting her? I hope you are going to make it up to her." This was a $70 box of strawberries and it was just an extra gesture until we could actually get together the next week. I just wanted her to have something special on the actual MD weekend. Fil said that dh needed to call his mother and apologize and make plans to see her. I think she didn't speak to us for about 6 weeks that time.

 

Just a few months after that, dh got a call from his dad to talk about Christmas. Fil said, "We're not going to exchange gifts with you guys this year because we don't need anymore white elephant gifts.":001_huh: What kind of gifts to we normally give? Nice bottles of wine as they like to entertain in their home, tickets to a mystery dinner theater, $200 gift certificate to Ruth's Chris Steakhouse, etc.

 

Two years or so before on MD, mil wanted to go to Red Lobster on Saturday at 6pm the day before MD. When we got there it was about a two hour wait. We tried a few other restaurants that she suggested and they were all the same. We suggested going to Corner Bakery which is where we went. Fil called a few days later asking dh when he was going to make it up to mil because Corner Bakery was not an "appropriate place for MD dinner."

 

That's just a few of a long line of incidents like this!;)

 

 

OK, after all of these situations and you are still agreeing to meet for MD? :001_huh: I don't think she is going to change, sorry.

 

I totally understand that it is a tough spot to be in and you want/need to be the bigger person, but after so many years I think I would have to draw the line. It sounds like she really isn't going to be happy no matter what you do, so just do something thoughtful and know that you tried. I wouldn't make any plans to go out to eat, though! (And yeh, I'd send chocolate covered something...nuts, maybe?:lol:)

 

Does your DH have any siblings? I may have missed that in the story.

 

:grouphug::grouphug: I am so sorry this is part of your life. This is why DH and I have decided we cannot live near his parents, as sad as that is. :(

[CAMom]

I think you may be over-thinking the MD stuff and it's obviously just hurting you and your kids. Let it go. Next year don't ask her what she wants to do. Just show up at her house between meals, give a gift, and smile the whole time.

 

Tell your kids that some kids don't even have a grandmother, and for those who do, grandmothers come in all types. It's nothing personal. Some people truly never grow up.

 

Can I ask what you mean about it hurting me and my kids? My "big kids" (19 and 16) can easily see what's happening on their own. I protect my 7yo from her antics. I don't say anything negative about her around him.

 

See, I think it is personal. She clearly made a statement in her choosing not to send dd a gift for her 16th birthday. She has never not given one of the kids a b-day gift in all of the years she's been a grandma. Never.

[kalphs]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

I empathize.

Our family finally reached the limit with "drama" from my in-laws.

In the end, we decided to distance ourselves from them, as it is best for our family.

Dh telephones his parents twice a month to stay in touch.

Once a year we visit for the annual family reunion.

I am so sorry you are having to go through this.

Praying for you.

Warm Regards,

Kathy

:001_smile:

[sbgrace]

What I think is when you got that text saying forget it that should have been the end. Calling her and trying to still set it up is just playing into the drama and manipulation. Your husband needs to be on board but I think learning how not to respond to her attempts at control is where it has to go.

 

I think severely limiting contact is probably the only way to do that but you could try just not responding to her fits. So in this case a text back "Ok, I hope you guys have a great dinner" and no more talking about it with them ever would have been the right thing in my mind. It sounds like you've done that now if you've not had contact since Mother's Day? Sad but probably better for all.

 

FWIW, your FIL's telling you that you should have done/not done x or y is all part of it. I feel for him as I'm sure he's being manipulated and made miserable both. But that kind of communication needs to stop too.

[Tammyla]

:grouphug:Goodness, she is hurtful, manipulative, demanding and pushing your buttons like a pro.

 

Try reading the book Boundaries,by Cloud and Townsend. If you set some reasonable boundaries / limits what ever you want to call them, dealing with her can be less of a drama.

 

MD = your day with your hubby and kids...Have your dh call her, send a gift or what ever, but don't let them decided and demand what your family will do. BECAUSE YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO DO IT RIGHT! She is never going to reasonable, thankful or happy...

 

 

I'll send a big btdt for 20+years with a narcissistic mil... hug your way.

[CAMom]

:iagree:

He can send his mother flowers and then offer to take you (and kids) and her out for Mother's Day to celebrate both of you. If she doesn't like that she's not the only mother there, then tough cookies.

 

There were a few posts along this line....that she might not like sharing the spotlight on MD.

 

I think that is totally part of it. One year...about 17 years ago...I remember because my oldest was a preschooler and my dd wasn't born yet...we met her at her desired location and brought some family pictures as a gift. The event was a brunch at her friend's house. She went off on me in public because the pictures weren't enough of a gift.

 

She told me that I should have made sure my dh did better for MD. She then told me (in front of all of her friends) that her husband should not have to plan her MD. Her kids should do it. When I asked how that would work for me since my oldest was only 2-did I just have to wait until my kids were grown to celebrate MD she said, "yes."

 

I also want to comment that I will not say a thing to her about this. I never do. Never. Dh always handles it.:) This time he's stood his ground a lot longer.

 

When I ask what I should do, I guess I'm asking how do I deal with my own emotions over it? I mean she's hurting my dh and my kids. My dd, obviously, got shunned for her b-day. My 7yo was asking just a couple of weeks ago, "When can I see Nana and Papa? I miss them? Will they come over for Christmas?" I just kept saying, "I don't know, Buddy." Incidentally, 7yo's b-day was last week and she did send him a card with a $25 gift card to Target. I am really thankful she didn't shun him, too.

 

I'm just thinking about it all the time. Doubting myself as to whether or not I should have never even made the offer to stay home with peanut boy and just sucked it up and taken him and had him eat nothing. The other side of me says, "NO! Doggone it! He will continue to have to deal with the exclusion that he allergy makes a reality for his whole life. He should not have to deal with it with family! If anyone should be sympathetic and accommodating it should be his own d*** family!"

 

I'm leaving dh alone about it. :) I'm just trying to deal with my own emotions about it.

[sweetbasil]

There were a few posts along this line....that she might not like sharing the spotlight on MD.

 

I think that is totally part of it. One year...about 17 years ago...I remember because my oldest was a preschooler and my dd wasn't born yet...we met her at her desired location and brought some family pictures as a gift. The event was a brunch at her friend's house. She went off on me in public because the pictures weren't enough of a gift.

 

She told me that I should have made sure my dh did better for MD. She then told me (in front of all of her friends) that her husband should not have to plan her MD. Her kids should do it. When I asked how that would work for me since my oldest was only 2-did I just have to wait until my kids were grown to celebrate MD she said, "yes."

 

I also want to comment that I will not say a thing to her about this. I never do. Never. Dh always handles it.:) This time he's stood his ground a lot longer.

 

When I ask what I should do, I guess I'm asking how do I deal with my own emotions over it? I mean she's hurting my dh and my kids. My dd, obviously, got shunned for her b-day. My 7yo was asking just a couple of weeks ago, "When can I see Nana and Papa? I miss them? Will they come over for Christmas?" I just kept saying, "I don't know, Buddy." Incidentally, 7yo's b-day was last week and she did send him a card with a $25 gift card to Target. I am really thankful she didn't shun him, too.

 

I'm just thinking about it all the time. Doubting myself as to whether or not I should have never even made the offer to stay home with peanut boy and just sucked it up and taken him and had him eat nothing. The other side of me says, "NO! Doggone it! He will continue to have to deal with the exclusion that he allergy makes a reality for his whole life. He should not have to deal with it with family! If anyone should be sympathetic and accommodating it should be his own d*** family!"

 

I'm leaving dh alone about it. :) I'm just trying to deal with my own emotions about it.

 

The most healing thing, I think, is to realize just how alike these women with NPD are, and to fully accept that it's not. your. fault.

I strongly encourage you to check out the following sites:

 

http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com

http://lightshouse.org/the-narcissistic-parent.html

 

There are more resources listed on this page:

http://lightshouse.org/information--resources.html

 

A good book is Understanding the Borderline Mother.

[mommaduck]

There were a few posts along this line....that she might not like sharing the spotlight on MD.

 

I think that is totally part of it. One year...about 17 years ago...I remember because my oldest was a preschooler and my dd wasn't born yet...we met her at her desired location and brought some family pictures as a gift. The event was a brunch at her friend's house. She went off on me in public because the pictures weren't enough of a gift.

 

She told me that I should have made sure my dh did better for MD. She then told me (in front of all of her friends) that her husband should not have to plan her MD. Her kids should do it. When I asked how that would work for me since my oldest was only 2-did I just have to wait until my kids were grown to celebrate MD she said, "yes."

 

I also want to comment that I will not say a thing to her about this. I never do. Never. Dh always handles it.:) This time he's stood his ground a lot longer.

 

When I ask what I should do, I guess I'm asking how do I deal with my own emotions over it? I mean she's hurting my dh and my kids. My dd, obviously, got shunned for her b-day. My 7yo was asking just a couple of weeks ago, "When can I see Nana and Papa? I miss them? Will they come over for Christmas?" I just kept saying, "I don't know, Buddy." Incidentally, 7yo's b-day was last week and she did send him a card with a $25 gift card to Target. I am really thankful she didn't shun him, too.

 

I'm just thinking about it all the time. Doubting myself as to whether or not I should have never even made the offer to stay home with peanut boy and just sucked it up and taken him and had him eat nothing. The other side of me says, "NO! Doggone it! He will continue to have to deal with the exclusion that he allergy makes a reality for his whole life. He should not have to deal with it with family! If anyone should be sympathetic and accommodating it should be his own d*** family!"

 

I'm leaving dh alone about it. :) I'm just trying to deal with my own emotions about it.

Well, now, most of your kids are older and they are taking you and DH out for mother's day! Problem solved :) (I know it doesn't help, but I hope it made you smile just a bit :grouphug: )

[CAMom]

Honestly? Based on your story, I would figure out exactly what made her stop speaking to me, and make sure I do the same thing when she decides to start speaking to me again :lol:.

 

This woman is a toxic drama queen. Cut her off, or pretend it never happened next time you see her, it's totally your call. Just make sure you don't waste another second feeling guilty about it or trying to make her happy. Live your life, and remember some people are impossible no matter what you do.

 

:lol:

 

You're right....some people will just never be happy!

[AK_Mom4]

I'm just trying to deal with my own emotions about it.

 

I think you and your emotions would all be happier if you decided to stop attending the Mother's Day and MIL Birthday fiascos. :D

 

Issue yourself a Declaration of Independence. Decide that you WILL spend Mother's Day doing something you enjoy and if that thing is something your little peanut allergy kid can enjoy, then just so much the better! Step back, laugh, and just ignore the start-up drama.

[CAMom]

 

And I could speak to the food allergy thing, but I suspect that's just the most recent "thing" she's pulled, so it's not really about allergies. That was just the most recent presentation of her controlling, manipulative ways. (But if it's always about the allergies, give her a pamphlet from the doctor's office about it.)

 

Yeah...BINGO! It's not about the allergies at all. It's about her not being the center of the universe.

[CAMom]

:iagree::iagree::iagree: But I'm crabbier. I reached this point at 41. All done crazy drama!!

 

I'm going to presume that this peanut allergy is REAL and not one of those, "My kid doesn't like peanuts" kind of allergy because the OP is pretty intelligent.

 

Going to a restuarant and expecting a CHILD to sit there without eating is cruel. Going to a restuarant where a child's health could be harmed is frightening. This woman doesn't deserve to be a grandparent to your kids. :grouphug:

 

Yes. Legitimate allergy. As in we carry epi pens and benadryl with us wherever we go. And, thank you for saying I'm intelligent. That was a very nice compliment for my day!:)

 

See, I thought so, too, about expecting a little boy (who was 6 1/2 at the time) to just go sit at a restaurant without eating was mean, too. I'm glad I got some validation about that!

[justamouse]

Three or four years ago, we were attempting to take mil out for MD. (BTW, she insists she wants to go out every year for MD and her birthday.) She said she wasn't available MD weekend so my dh told her we'd take her out the next weekend. In the meantime, I was ordering some chocolate covered strawberries for my mom who lives 1200 miles away. I asked dh if he would like me to send some to his mom, too, so she would have something on MD weekend. He said yes.

 

That didn't go well! Dh got a call the next day from his dad (while he could hear his mom crying in the background) complaining about the gift. First, fil said, mil was on a diet and dh should have known that if he was better in touch with his mom. :confused: Second, "is that all you are getting her? I hope you are going to make it up to her." This was a $70 box of strawberries and it was just an extra gesture until we could actually get together the next week. I just wanted her to have something special on the actual MD weekend. Fil said that dh needed to call his mother and apologize and make plans to see her. I think she didn't speak to us for about 6 weeks that time.

 

Just a few months after that, dh got a call from his dad to talk about Christmas. Fil said, "We're not going to exchange gifts with you guys this year because we don't need anymore white elephant gifts.":001_huh: What kind of gifts to we normally give? Nice bottles of wine as they like to entertain in their home, tickets to a mystery dinner theater, $200 gift certificate to Ruth's Chris Steakhouse, etc.

 

Two years or so before on MD, mil wanted to go to Red Lobster on Saturday at 6pm the day before MD. When we got there it was about a two hour wait. We tried a few other restaurants that she suggested and they were all the same. We suggested going to Corner Bakery which is where we went. Fil called a few days later asking dh when he was going to make it up to mil because Corner Bakery was not an "appropriate place for MD dinner."

 

That's just a few of a long line of incidents like this!;)

 

 

:svengo:

 

You will never please that. THAT is unpleaseable, and stop trying to, because she *feeds* on cutting you off at the knees.

 

She is so flipping lucky you don't send her a kid colored card with glitter on it. :glare:

 

:grouphug: Just step away. We all have these hopes in us, that these toxic people will change, that it will be better next year, and it never works. Be hopeful from afar. :grouphug: Take your time and mourn what you don't have, and vow to be the best MIL your DILs and SILs ever did see.

[Myeightkiddies]

When is Mother's Day going to be about you?

 

You spend so much time, energy, and effort into pleasing your mother-in-law. I think it is about time that you, your dh, and your children begin to put that much effort into your day. It should be their priority.

[Denisemomof4]

Wow! You guys are awesome and have given me a lot to think about! Thank you for taking the time to talk through it with me.

 

I'm going to go through the responses again and give some additional info and thoughts.

 

I did want to add to what Nakia said here since she's been with me for years on another board.;)

 

 

 

Three or four years ago, we were attempting to take mil out for MD. (BTW, she insists she wants to go out every year for MD and her birthday.) She said she wasn't available MD weekend so my dh told her we'd take her out the next weekend. In the meantime, I was ordering some chocolate covered strawberries for my mom who lives 1200 miles away. I asked dh if he would like me to send some to his mom, too, so she would have something on MD weekend. He said yes.

 

That didn't go well! Dh got a call the next day from his dad (while he could hear his mom crying in the background) complaining about the gift. First, fil said, mil was on a diet and dh should have known that if he was better in touch with his mom. :confused: Second, "is that all you are getting her? I hope you are going to make it up to her." This was a $70 box of strawberries and it was just an extra gesture until we could actually get together the next week. I just wanted her to have something special on the actual MD weekend. Fil said that dh needed to call his mother and apologize and make plans to see her. I think she didn't speak to us for about 6 weeks that time.

 

Just a few months after that, dh got a call from his dad to talk about Christmas. Fil said, "We're not going to exchange gifts with you guys this year because we don't need anymore white elephant gifts.":001_huh: What kind of gifts to we normally give? Nice bottles of wine as they like to entertain in their home, tickets to a mystery dinner theater, $200 gift certificate to Ruth's Chris Steakhouse, etc.

 

Two years or so before on MD, mil wanted to go to Red Lobster on Saturday at 6pm the day before MD. When we got there it was about a two hour wait. We tried a few other restaurants that she suggested and they were all the same. We suggested going to Corner Bakery which is where we went. Fil called a few days later asking dh when he was going to make it up to mil because Corner Bakery was not an "appropriate place for MD dinner."

 

That's just a few of a long line of incidents like this!;)

 

I am really sorry to say this but you have fed the wild beast SO much that it's going to be awful, if not impossible, trying to get some peace in this situation now. Your kindness, and dh's, did enable her. I know how difficult these things are. I was the enabler for 19 years.

 

If it were me, I'd insist dh speak to mil, lay down the law, FORGET about spending MD with her, then I would back away and let the kids decide on their own what they want to do. Dh does take dd12 with him to see mil at times, and they also go see dd12's "friends" who are now at the same nursing home. What's sad is that dh and dd12 enjoy visiting the "friends" but not mil because she is just as self centered, manipulative and nasty now as she has always been.

 

I had decided that I just could not tolerate her abuse anymore, and yes, the mind games and nasty words WERE abuse in y situation. Your mil sounds like a spoiled brat. I just coukdn't overlook those types of situations indefinitely.

[Puma Mom]

How I would handle it is to (a) set the record straight with the person who was lied to, (b) accept that mil has major issues and find a way to be amused by it, and © encourage my dc to make extensive plans with me for every MD in the future.

[LostSurprise]

"MIL insisted we go to a place dangerous for our PeanutKid, and refused any alternatives. We're hurt!"

 

Or, just pretend you're dealing with little kids in grown-up, wrinkly bodies, do and say what you would normally say, and shrug when you get oddball reactions.

 

No gift in the card? <shrug> "you know how Grandma & Grandpa sometimes get themselves all worked up. It isn't about you." Then I'd either give her the money (if you can afford it), or tell her it's good practice for dealing with people in life who don't always act they way they should.

 

Crazy talk on the phone (if it's MIL/FIL): <shrug> "I have to go now. We'll talk again when you're feeling better."

 

Doesn't show up for things? <shrug> "They're probably having a bad day. Maybe next time."

 

The key is to have NO EXPECTATIONS for them, and fend off anything harmful/toxic directed at your kids. With others I'd take more of a jolly approach. To SIS: "you know how they can be. We're used to it." Just sort of laugh and smile.

 

Good luck! It's tough pretending dysfunctional people are functional. But if you make it a family challenge it can be more exhilirating than exasperating.

 

:grouphug:

 

:iagree:

 

I don't know what you've put up with in the past, but this is what works best for the (minorly) dramatic and the stubborn who can't think past their own situation...at least in my life.

 

I love my grandma but she does not easily imagine other points of view, and then when things happen different than her expectations she's hurt. We're just lucky she's not a drama queen...she just stops calling you/won't come to your house/won't be available for a few years until she gets over it. Most of us are used to this and just roll our eyes about it. There's no way to change her and mostly she hurts herself.

[Catwoman]

It almost seems like you're apologizing for your own feelings and behavior toward your MIL.

 

STOP DOING THAT!!!

 

You have done nothing wrong. If you have made any mistake over the years, it has been that you've been too nice to the witch, and given her too much power in the relationship.

 

She is toxic.

 

She will always be toxic.

 

She is a narcissistic woman who is only happy when the entire world revolves around her. And she has your FIL buying into her drama.

 

There is no way to win with a person like that, and no matter how hard you try to please her, it will never be enough.

 

RUN.

 

Cease all contact with her. It's at the point where she is now hurting your children, and that will only get worse as time passes. If your dh wants to deal with her -- which I think is a mistake, BTW -- he needs to absolutely clarify that the stunt she pulled on your dd's birthday was a rotten thing to do, and that if she ever hurts one of your kids again, you will never have anything to do with her again. Your dh also needs to be sure that his mom knows exactly where his priorities lie -- and that you and the kids come first. Every single time. And if your FIL tells your dh he's not giving the right gifts or taking your MIL to the right places, in all honesty, I would tell your dh to tell his father off and be done with both of them.

 

And I would never spend another holiday with them again. Ever.

 

I am so sorry she's so toxic, but please don't think you are at fault in any way! :grouphug:

Edited September 20, 2012 by Catwoman

[Denisemomof4]

Can I ask what you mean about it hurting me and my kids? My "big kids" (19 and 16) can easily see what's happening on their own. I protect my 7yo from her antics. I don't say anything negative about her around him.

 

See, I think it is personal. She clearly made a statement in her choosing not to send dd a gift for her 16th birthday. She has never not given one of the kids a b-day gift in all of the years she's been a grandma. Never.

 

And yet all he!! Breaks loose when a grown woman gets a gift, just not the exact one she wants! What a piece of work!!!

 

I feel bad for your kids. I can NOT understand her making such a huge deal about herself and then doing this to her Grand kids. They will always remember your good example of being gracious towards mil while being protective of them.

[marbel]

 

When I ask what I should do, I guess I'm asking how do I deal with my own emotions over it? I mean she's hurting my dh and my kids.

 

My kids have always noticed that their grandparents are disinterested in them. They're no where near as mean and crazy as your MIL. But they are hurtful in their own ways.

 

We are just pretty honest with our kids about it. My daughter and I actually talk about it a lot - because she wants to. We tell them we're sorry they got shorted in the grandparent department. My daughter has said many times that she wishes Grammy (my mom) was still alive because even though my daughter doesn't remember her too well, she remembers that Grammy was interested in her and loved her. We try to limit our time just because my MIL is so difficult and weird about things, like food and cooking - she makes us all feel so uncomfortable in her home.

 

Another thing I do with my daughter is give her permission to call me on bad behavior when I'm older. She's in charge of making sure I am not mean, goofy, and never start dressing like an old lady. ;) I suppose that might not really work out, but I want her to feel she can speak directly with me, as we can't with my inlaws.

 

I know it's not the same thing. :grouphug: But, your older two can see and understand, and you can probably figure out how to talk about it with your younger son in a way he can understand.

 

So sad.

[Susan C.]

OK now that I've read more, I think you and your family should go out of town every Mother's Day. And don't get the phone for a few days beforehand. Out of town can be a day trip, just anything to get out of Dodge....

[Denisemomof4]

There were a few posts along this line....that she might not like sharing the spotlight on MD.

 

I think that is totally part of it. One year...about 17 years ago...I remember because my oldest was a preschooler and my dd wasn't born yet...we met her at her desired location and brought some family pictures as a gift. The event was a brunch at her friend's house. She went off on me in public because the pictures weren't enough of a gift.

 

She told me that I should have made sure my dh did better for MD. She then told me (in front of all of her friends) that her husband should not have to plan her MD. Her kids should do it. When I asked how that would work for me since my oldest was only 2-did I just have to wait until my kids were grown to celebrate MD she said, "yes."

 

I also want to comment that I will not say a thing to her about this. I never do. Never. Dh always handles it.:) This time he's stood his ground a lot longer.

 

When I ask what I should do, I guess I'm asking how do I deal with my own emotions over it? I mean she's hurting my dh and my kids. My dd, obviously, got shunned for her b-day. My 7yo was asking just a couple of weeks ago, "When can I see Nana and Papa? I miss them? Will they come over for Christmas?" I just kept saying, "I don't know, Buddy." Incidentally, 7yo's b-day was last week and she did send him a card with a $25 gift card to Target. I am really thankful she didn't shun him, too.

 

I'm just thinking about it all the time. Doubting myself as to whether or not I should have never even made the offer to stay home with peanut boy and just sucked it up and taken him and had him eat nothing. The other side of me says, "NO! Doggone it! He will continue to have to deal with the exclusion that he allergy makes a reality for his whole life. He should not have to deal with it with family! If anyone should be sympathetic and accommodating it should be his own d*** family!"

 

I'm leaving dh alone about it. :) I'm just trying to deal with my own emotions about it.

 

Your problem is that you're too nice. How awful is it to even say that?

 

I do hope you will realize that having a SEVEN year old sit and watxh everyone else eat (at his grandmother's request, not that he'd know) was never an option. You DID do the right thing. You were offering the best solution which protected ds while allowing mil to be the center of the earth. She even had a problem with that, and that is unbelievable!

 

I know this is eating at you because you ARE so kind. Force those thoughts out of your head and continue to let dh handle it. And IMO, not feeding into the drama ever again will hopefully tame the situation some.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[mommaduck]

Just read the past incidences. Boy, she is playing your FIL! On the $70 strawberries, any sane woman would set aside her diet for those and rationalise the fact that it's mother's day AND the strawberries outweigh the chocolate on them :D Judging by your FIL's response, HE did not know that there were already plans set with her to go out the following weekend.

 

I think she loves the drama and loves the pity parties. My guess is that she didn't have plans that mother's day and played it off to her husband as "they forgot about me on mother's day!"

 

I would have straight out asked FIL which of those items he thought were joke gifts. Maybe he needed reminding of your very generous gifts (which, btw, since they don't want them, you're welcome to send them to any number of us here at WTM ;) :D )

 

Stay sane, sweetie. Don't play into her games. Be direct with relatives. Most of them are probably in survival mode around her, which is why you will not be able to convince any of them that this is her and not you.

[freeindeed]

Truly? I'd cut her off. Poisonous.

 

:iagree:

[Parrothead]

"MIL insisted we go to a place dangerous for our PeanutKid, and refused any alternatives. We're hurt!"

 

Or, just pretend you're dealing with little kids in grown-up, wrinkly bodies, do and say what you would normally say, and shrug when you get oddball reactions.

 

No gift in the card? <shrug> "you know how Grandma & Grandpa sometimes get themselves all worked up. It isn't about you." Then I'd either give her the money (if you can afford it), or tell her it's good practice for dealing with people in life who don't always act they way they should.

 

Crazy talk on the phone (if it's MIL/FIL): <shrug> "I have to go now. We'll talk again when you're feeling better."

 

Doesn't show up for things? <shrug> "They're probably having a bad day. Maybe next time."

 

The key is to have NO EXPECTATIONS for them, and fend off anything harmful/toxic directed at your kids. With others I'd take more of a jolly approach. To SIS: "you know how they can be. We're used to it." Just sort of laugh and smile.

 

Good luck! It's tough pretending dysfunctional people are functional. But if you make it a family challenge it can be more exhilirating than exasperating.

 

:grouphug:

:iagree:with this. If I had to deal with a person like your MIL I'd distance myself emotionally and help the kids do the same. Just smile and nod, practice the words "oh, well," then forget about her.

[Zebra]

It almost seems like you're apologizing for your own feelings and behavior toward your MIL.

 

STOP DOING THAT!!!

 

You have done nothing wrong. If you have made any mistake over the years, it has been that you've been too nice to the witch, and given her too much power in the relationship.

 

She is toxic.

 

She will always be toxic.

 

She is a narcissistic woman who is only happy when the entire world revolves around her. And she has your FIL buying into her drama.

 

There is no way to win with a person like that, and no matter how hard you try to please her, it will never be enough.

 

RUN.

 

Cease all contact with her. It's at the point where she is now hurting your children, and that will only get worse as time passes. If your dh wants to deal with her -- which I think is a mistake, BTW -- he needs to absolutely clarify that the stunt she pulled on your dd's birthday was a rotten thing to do, and that if she ever hurts one of your kids again, you will never have anything to do with her again. Your dh also needs to be sure that his mom knows exactly where his priorities lie -- and that you and the kids come first. Every single time. And if your FIL tells your dh he's not giving the right gifts or taking your MIL to the right places, in all honesty, I would tell your dh to tell his father off and be done with both of them.

 

And I would never spend another holiday with them again. Ever.

 

I am so sorry she's so toxic, but please don't think you are at fault in any way! :grouphug:

 

Preach it!

[TravelingChris]

My MIL was somewhat like this. She stopped talking to us and particularly to my dh when he joined the Air Force, like it was some shameful act (and no, she wasn't a pacifist at all:glare:). My dh hadn't understood how odd she was. For years, she had cooked multiple versions of dinner to please everyone in the family. My dh had refused this practice and would ask to just have something someone else was having. No, this did not please MIL who thought that her mission in life was to be a martyr and didn't like it that someone wouldn't play that game.

 

Fortunately, we had no allergy problems while she was still alive. She did not believe in ADHD (and I am sure not in dyslexia either though at least one of her son's suffered from it and his life turned out very badly definitely partly due to no help in that matter). SHe was a poor me figure all the time but refused to do anything to help herself and seemed to get mad if I or my dh did anything to help her. As one of the sites says, these people often start attacking anyone who is successful and on the other hand, love the ones who are dependent on them. That was exactly what happened. Anyway, she is 16 years gone and still her behavior reeks havoc with what has happened with my BILs.

[MomatHWTK]

Kids are smart, they figure it out and she will lose any relationship she might have had with them. That's her choice. Your DH will mourn, anyone whose mother doesn't love his kids as much as he does goes through that, he'll begin to distance himself and also eventually stop caring.

 

I think it is sad that they will stop caring, but it's not your fault. This is very weird, but food allergies have a way of doing that to families. There are people who just won't budge and when it comes to life or death, you have to cut the chaff. :sad: It becomes no longer safe to tolerate the little power plays and "misunderstandings" when it could put a child in the hospital. Sigh.

[Rosie_0801]

Tell her you're not going to do what she wants because she's got no manners and you don't like her.

 

Rosie

[justamouse]

Tell her you're not going to do what she wants because she's got no manners and you don't like her.

 

Rosie

 

:lol::lol::lol:

[CAMom]

Tell her you're not going to do what she wants because she's got no manners and you don't like her.

 

Rosie

 

That's the ticket!!

 

Honestly, I'm so glad so many of you have mentioned NPD. I've thought that for years but didn't say anything hear so as not to bias the jury. ;) I feel validated now that you all have diagnosed her, too!:)

[Rosie_0801]

That's the ticket!!

 

Honestly, I'm so glad so many of you have mentioned NPD. I've thought that for years but didn't say anything hear so as not to bias the jury. ;) I feel validated now that you all have diagnosed her, too!:)

 

You'd better stop now before we have words to say about your FIL too. :tongue_smilie:

[Belacqua]

Tell her you're not going to do what she wants because she's got no manners and you don't like her.

 

Rosie

 

I want a miniaturized Rosie to carry in my pocket so I'll always know what to say.

[justLisa]

Tell her you're not going to do what she wants because she's got no manners and you don't like her.

 

Rosie

:lol:

[SailorMom]

Only have read the original post....

Three Words:

 

Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

 

:grouphug:

[Kathryn]

It almost seems like you're apologizing for your own feelings and behavior toward your MIL.

 

STOP DOING THAT!!!

 

You have done nothing wrong. If you have made any mistake over the years, it has been that you've been too nice to the witch, and given her too much power in the relationship.

 

She is toxic.

 

She will always be toxic.

 

She is a narcissistic woman who is only happy when the entire world revolves around her. And she has your FIL buying into her drama.

 

There is no way to win with a person like that, and no matter how hard you try to please her, it will never be enough.

 

RUN.

 

Cease all contact with her. It's at the point where she is now hurting your children, and that will only get worse as time passes. If your dh wants to deal with her -- which I think is a mistake, BTW -- he needs to absolutely clarify that the stunt she pulled on your dd's birthday was a rotten thing to do, and that if she ever hurts one of your kids again, you will never have anything to do with her again. Your dh also needs to be sure that his mom knows exactly where his priorities lie -- and that you and the kids come first. Every single time. And if your FIL tells your dh he's not giving the right gifts or taking your MIL to the right places, in all honesty, I would tell your dh to tell his father off and be done with both of them.

 

And I would never spend another holiday with them again. Ever.

 

I am so sorry she's so toxic, but please don't think you are at fault in any way! :grouphug:

 

:iagree: The more I read, the more upset I am at your DH for continuing to let this happen all these years. He should have stepped in and defended you and told his parents to shove it years ago. This kind of juvenile fit-throwing is ridiculous and should not be tolerated. Tell him to stand up to them.

[DaffodilDreams]

:grouphug: Your MIL sounds like my mother. I haven't had contact w/her in years, and the prevailing peace is priceless.

 

ETA: I would leave any decisions regarding cutting ties w/her up to your DH, though, if you all feel such a step is necessary.

Edited September 20, 2012 by kimmie38017

[Denisemomof4]

:iagree: The more I read, the more upset I am at your DH for continuing to let this happen all these years. He should have stepped in and defended you and told his parents to shove it years ago. This kind of juvenile fit-throwing is ridiculous and should not be tolerated. Tell him to stand up to them.

 

While I do agree with you, I was in a very similar situation with my mil. Her dd's really never saw or spoke to her until I tried to reconcile the family. they never see her now and only one, who lives on the opposite coast, speaks to her. Fil was already dead when I met dh. I don't think dh really saw how sick and dysfunctional it all was until his eyes were opened by me. We were married for under 10 years but awhile when he finally decided that his own (REAL!) ;) family was his priority and he would no longer allow her to ruin our holidays by making every excuse under the sun as to why she couldn't make it and then stay home alone all day.:001_huh: i preferred it because she always caused problems but I still felt bad for dh.

[catz]

Seriously!? Narcissist much? I would cut this person off from my family without an ounce of regret. The ILs sound extremely toxic and she's actually the one who made the choice anyway.

 

ETA - I originally responded to just the original post, so I'm on the NPD boat independently too. Glad there's such consensus there. What a whack-a-doodle.

Edited September 20, 2012 by kck

[Scarlett]

Tell her you're not going to do what she wants because she's got no manners and you don't like her.

 

Rosie

 

Priceless. Between you and Remudamom I think we have our answer. :)