Help with MIL

[5 Hikers]

DH left me back in March, but we are still by several odd circumstances married. Not getting into that though.

 

My MIL has never liked me because I stayed at home while her poor baby had to work 2 jobs. He doesn't work normal jobs even, so he still has 3-4 days off a week. She even had the nerve to say that she never sent the kids birthday/Christmas presents or visited because I didn't make her feel welcome. When I confronted her about it, she said I just seemed tense. She has always chosen men over her 2 children, dh and his sister who is 7 years older. She married a 22yo, who was 13 years younger than her when dh was 5. The guy never wanted children and didn't like them. She has been through a series of guys since then. Whenever she is between men she devotes all this time and money to her son, but as soon as she gets another man she drops him.

Last March she called dh and let it slip that she had been in town the previous weekend. She lives in OK and we live in GA. She never bothered to visit or call us because she was with Bill, her latest. She brushed that aside and told dh she didn't call about that she called to tell him how excited she was about her new 30 foot boat. Dh was really mad because he had asked her for help in divorcing me and she told him she couldn't afford to help him. He also was mad because she announced she wasn't going to her grandson's graduation (SIL oldest son) because Bill's kids wanted to play on the boat (They are 25 and 23 by the way.)

 

So, dh decides to cut her off and he has not spoken to her since. She started calling me in April. She was highly upset and suddenly wants a relationship with her grandkids. She asked me when their birthdays were because she had no clue and guessed that they must be 8,6, and 2. The kids are 12,8, and 4. She sent them all big presents this year. She calls me to talk to them about once a week or once every other week.

 

Ok, now to my problem. She just called me to say that she wanted to see them for Thanksgiving. She said she would stay in a nearby hotel with Bill. She wants to just take the kids back to her hotel. I guess so she doesn't have to see me. This ain't happening.

 

How do I word it the nicest, but also firm and in control?

Would you just quit answering her calls?

 

When dh left me she told me I had done him so wrong over the years that I had to know it was coming. He and his mother believe I was an awful wife because the house isn't white glove test clean. My house is clean, but not spotless. I never have dishes in the sink, I sweep daily, I keep it all orgainized, and I stay on top of laundry. I am sure my baseboards are dingy and I know my wooden bllinds could be soaked, but I don't have time for that. I have always done everything with the house and kids. I cook, clean, and do all childcare alone. I have had so much free time since he left. He takes them 3-4 days a week for a few hours.

[Remudamom]

This is easy. Tell her no. You have plans for Thanksgiving.

[5 Hikers]

This is easy. Tell her no. You have plans for Thanksgiving.

 

 

You don't think I should allow her to come see the kids?

[Impish]

I'd change my #.

 

but then, I've openly told Wolf that the only upside if we ever split, would be that I'd never deal w/MIL ever again.

[Danestress]

And she should see the kids part of that one - working through him. She needs to heal her relationship with him and work with him if she wants to see the kids.

 

I would feel differently if your ex was in jail, loved too far away, or had abandoned you. I actually think that in most cases, grandparents should see grandkids and that parents should facilitate this. But if he HAS the kids 3 - 4 time a week, that is plenty of time for her to get access.

[5 Hikers]

And she should see the kids part of that one - working through him. She needs to heal her relationship with him and work with him if she wants to see the kids.

 

I would feel differently if your ex was in jail, loved too far away, or had abandoned you. I actually think that in most cases, grandparents should see grandkids and that parents should facilitate this. But if he HAS the kids 3 - 4 time a week, that is plenty of time for her to get access.

 

 

He refuses to talk to her or answer her calls. That's why she started calling me. I get Thanksgiving til 6pm.

[Myeightkiddies]

Would I let a stranger keep my kids at a hotel on Thanksgiving? No.

 

Relative or not, this person is a stranger. They do not have a relationship with you or the children. Tell her no. It won't be possible. If she persists to call and harass you, stop taking the calls or change your number. Remember to be direct with your no so that she doesn't think that she can harass you to change your mind.

[4everHis]

And she should see the kids part of that one - working through him. She needs to heal her relationship with him and work with him if she wants to see the kids.

 

I would feel differently if your ex was in jail, loved too far away, or had abandoned you. I actually think that in most cases, grandparents should see grandkids and that parents should facilitate this. But if he HAS the kids 3 - 4 time a week, that is plenty of time for her to get access.

 

:iagree:

[Myeightkiddies]

How do I word it the nicest, but also firm and in control?

 

Thank you for the offer; however, I must decline the invitation. If the time comes when your relationship with <insert Dh's name> is restored, other opportunities for visits may be considered.

[elfgivas]

i think its important for you and your kids to build your own traditions around holidays. i'd start there. what holiday traditions around thanksgiving would you like to have?

 

there are lots of ideas out there, including things like food, thankfulness journals or table clothes, serving the homeless at a shelter, visiting with family, going camping (one of our most memorable thanksgiving dinners was at a campsite at racetrack playa in death valley). traditions don't have to happen every year, but its nice to take time to think about what you value and how you'd like to nurture that in your kids and yourself.

 

then, you have a base from which to make decisions about other things, including guests.

 

from what you've said, this abrupt change of heart sounds odd. i think i would be inclined to say, "sorry we have plans for thanksgiving already. but we'd love to see you. would you like to come for hallowe'en?" then it gives you a chance to see if she/they really want to see the kids, or if its something about thanksgiving with family, or thanksgiving with you and the kids and not with her son or ???? the way you talked about her engaging her son when she was "single" and then ditching him when she is "in a relationship" makes me think that she is meeting her own needs, whatever they are, rather than wanting to see your kids for their own sake. i'd love to be wrong. it just feels like manipulation somehow.

 

what would YOU like to do for thanksgiving?

 

:grouphug:

ann

[happi duck]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Danestress]

I would tell her that she will have to figure out how to mend things with your ex, because you share your time with your family and are not going to facilitate for her anymore. Period.

 

I usually end up on the grandparent/mil side on this board, but I don't think so here.

[kitten18]

Would I let a stranger keep my kids at a hotel on Thanksgiving? No.

 

Relative or not, this person is a stranger. They do not have a relationship with you or the children. Tell her no. It won't be possible. If she persists to call and harass you, stop taking the calls or change your number. Remember to be direct with your no so that she doesn't think that she can harass you to change your mind.

:iagree:

[Seeker of Schole]

I think that if her own son stopped speaking to her, you should stop answering the phone. Don't even entertain the thought of letting her see them at Thanksgiving. Is there any reason to believe she has changed? She obviously only puts herself first, so why allow her to set your kids up for that hurt.

[athena1277]

If she wants to see the kids, she needs to do it during your dh's time with them. Period. If he won't take her calls too bad. And if he's not taking her calls, why are you? She's not your problem anymore if you and your dh are not together.

[elfgivas]

from another angle, you are still shaing parenting with your xdh.

 

if the shoe were on the other foot, if you had a relative who you had broken contact with, would you want him to give your children to them at a hotel without supervision? i'm guessing not. so then, i'd treat him the way i would want him to treat me.

 

and custody over holidays is fraught with peril. if you have them with you for a holiday, but leave them with someone else, he would have a legitimate argument that obviously it didn't matter that much to you to have them for thanksgiving, so that he should always have them for thanksgiving. etc. etc.

 

so for many, many reasons, i wouldn't do it.

:grouphug:

ann

[MrsBasil]

He refuses to talk to her or answer her calls. That's why she started calling me. I get Thanksgiving til 6pm.

 

Well that sounds like her problem, not yours.

 

I think keep it simple and short. I'm sorry, that's not going to work this year. We have plans.

 

If you want to facilitate a relationship because you're a much nicer person than I am, I would offer to let her come over for a few hours on a day that isn't a holiday and you have a way to keep the visit short.

 

As in, "Why don't you come over for an early lunch around 11? The kids have Dr appts at 1:30, but we can eat and chat for awhile."

 

Frankly though, I'd quit answering her calls and let her deal with her son.

[5 Hikers]

i think its important for you and your kids to build your own traditions around holidays. i'd start there. what holiday traditions around thanksgiving would you like to have?

 

there are lots of ideas out there, including things like food, thankfulness journals or table clothes, serving the homeless at a shelter, visiting with family, going camping (one of our most memorable thanksgiving dinners was at a campsite at racetrack playa in death valley). traditions don't have to happen every year, but its nice to take time to think about what you value and how you'd like to nurture that in your kids and yourself.

 

then, you have a base from which to make decisions about other things, including guests.

 

from what you've said, this abrupt change of heart sounds odd. i think i would be inclined to say, "sorry we have plans for thanksgiving already. but we'd love to see you. would you like to come for hallowe'en?" then it gives you a chance to see if she/they really want to see the kids, or if its something about thanksgiving with family, or thanksgiving with you and the kids and not with her son or ???? the way you talked about her engaging her son when she was "single" and then ditching him when she is "in a relationship" makes me think that she is meeting her own needs, whatever they are, rather than wanting to see your kids for their own sake. i'd love to be wrong. it just feels like manipulation somehow.

 

what would YOU like to do for thanksgiving?

 

:grouphug:

ann

 

 

Thanks, this is lovely. My parents live across the road and we have always done Thanksgiving with them. My MIL hates my mother so I would have to arrange my day around still seeing my parents and the kids seeing their dad after 6pm. My mother would throw a fit if I miss her Thanksgiving.

 

In reality, I am stuck with a bunch of selfish people. I am not sure what boundaries to instill, but still be "Christ-like."

 

My parents are helping me a whole lot right now. I could not make it through Nursing School without them. My mom is just very controlling about having everything done her way. She also is insistant that everyone put on a happy face and look perfect, whether you are dying inside or not.

 

My dh is making all the same decisions his mother made and it hurts to see this. I don't want my kids to hate their dad.

 

The best one of the bunch, my FIL, is being a coward right now but I understand. Dh decided that since he left me I cannot talk to his dad. He ordered his dad not to talk to me. I am so glad his dad chose him because dh needed to know that a parent would choose him over anyone else. But, I wish FIL would grow some and tell dh what a selfish jerk he is being. FIL is afraid that dh will no longer speak to him if he doesn't go along with it all. He plainly told me all this.

 

I guess I talked to her because I want to believe people are good. I wanted to believe that MIL truly misses getting to know her grandkids. I thought we might become friends, and she would come have dinner at my house, and it would be nice.

[Mrs Mungo]

If I were in your place? *I* would want the kids to see their grandma. I wouldn't see it as my place anymore to force a reconnection with the ex and his mom. So, *I* would arrange to meet her for dinner the day after Thanksgiving, something like that. She would not be taking the kids without me. She would not be coming to my house. We would not be doing it during "my" part of the holiday.

 

I am not saying that it is what you or anybody else should do, but that is what I would do. And, yes, I do deal with people like this in my life.

Edited August 24, 2012 by Mrs Mungo

[5 Hikers]

from another angle, you are still shaing parenting with your xdh.

 

if the shoe were on the other foot, if you had a relative who you had broken contact with, would you want him to give your children to them at a hotel without supervision? i'm guessing not. so then, i'd treat him the way i would want him to treat me.

 

and custody over holidays is fraught with peril. if you have them with you for a holiday, but leave them with someone else, he would have a legitimate argument that obviously it didn't matter that much to you to have them for thanksgiving, so that he should always have them for thanksgiving. etc. etc.

 

so for many, many reasons, i wouldn't do it.

:grouphug:

ann

 

 

I never planned to let her have them. I just wanted to see if I am mean for refusing to let her come now.

I have told him she is calling. He is ok with that if I want to deal with her, he just refuses to talk to her himself. He tells me it's a waste of my time.

[5 Hikers]

If I were in your place? *I* would want the kids to see their grandma. I wouldn't see it as my place anymore to force a reconnection with the ex and his mom. So, *I* would arrange to meet her for dinner the day after Thanksgiving, something like that. She would not be taking the kids without me. She would not be coming to my house. We would not be doing it during "my" part of the holiday.

 

I am not saying that it is what you or anybody else should do, but that is what I would do. And, yes, I do deal with people like this in my life.

 

 

Thanks, I like this idea. It might be more comfortable to meet somewhere else. I never would allow her to take them off without me too.

[jujsky]

Honey, if she didn't want a relationship with you before the divorce, and she didn't have a relationship with her grandchildren before the divorce, why are you bothering? Seriously, don't. She's probably using you to tick off her son since she's mad at him for cutting her out of his life. She never wanted to have a relationship with your kids. If she did, she would have had one despite her feelings for you. My MIL doesn't like me, but she makes an effort to see my kids very often. If I was divorced, I would leave those visitation aspects up to Dh. If he suddenly wanted nothing to do with his parents, but the children had always had a relationship with them, we'd talk about how to make sure that relationship continued. That's not your situation. She doesn't know them. She's using them. She's using you. My guess is as soon as you tell her you are not comfortable with her and Bill (who could be a sadistic pervert for all you know) taking the kids to their hotel for thanksgiving, I bet she'll be mad and drop you like a hot potato.

[Bang!Zoom!]

(I'm assuming things are going to be finalized legally in some form down the road)- but...

 

My advice is hang up. You owe her nothing in words or time. Period. No explanations, no bargaining, no playing socially nice, zero. She shows up in person, tell her in no minced words to leave.

 

If she wants time and communication with the kids, then that's on her to develop with her own son.

 

You won't be able to control or suggest or carry any sort of weight in that channel in the future anyway.

 

It's the end of the relationship. Give it the silence and peace of mind you deserve. Any time you devote to it is taking away from the time you'll need to find your way in a new life. Don't let anyone rob you of that. Stand firm.

[NorthwestMom]

You don't think I should allow her to come see the kids?

 

Lord, no. Why?? So she can hurt them and poison them the way she did her own children? She is not a healthy person, and she doesn't even like you - why would you allow her access to your kids? Her son can take them ON HIS VISITATION TIME if he wants them to have a relationship with her. I would look at this as the silver lining of your divorce - I'd cut her off and never see her again. Ugh.

 

I'd say, "I've decided that all visitation with their father's side of the family should go through him. Call him."

[Bang!Zoom!]

That's exactly what divorce is about.

 

Relief.

 

Complete relief.

[sparkygirl]

 

In reality, I am stuck with a bunch of selfish people. I am not sure what boundaries to instill, but still be "Christ-like."

 

My dh is making all the same decisions his mother made and it hurts to see this. I don't want my kids to hate their dad.

 

I guess I talked to her because I want to believe people are good. I wanted to believe that MIL truly misses getting to know her grandkids. I thought we might become friends, and she would come have dinner at my house, and it would be nice.

 

Welcome to the separated/divorced world! First, take some time for you and honestly look at this situation. Are you being realistic with the here and now or are you dreaming toward a fantasy family dynamic? The fantasy dynamic creates only pain and hardship.

 

There is no "right way" to say what you are feeling for yourself and your soon to be x. 1st - you and soon to be x are co-parenting your children. Your children are the ones that matter. They did not ask for their parents to divorce, they did not ask for a piece of paper to tell them when and where they are supposed to be somewhere.

 

If this is your first or second year with shared holiday custody the answer is Absolutely Not are the children to have any other intrusion into their already whirlwind lives.

 

You must instill boundaries with the extended family now! You are not being selfish, you are not being un-christ-like. You are placing your children and their emotional and mental health first.

 

DH's ex and I spent hours working out a holiday and custody schedule. Listening to each other's priorities and desires while each compromising. We have been in family therapy for four months and are developing an extended family of four parents raising the children. We have even gone so far as to not split the children and allow the children to have their parents at special events. We limit and establish boundaries with the extended families on all sides. The parent-child relationship comes first...and yes we have had to put a grandparent or aunt back in their place for bad mouthing the other parent or making comments detrimental to the child's relationship with their other parent.

 

Let the grandparents have a fit. Tell them in very clear language that the children have been through a lot over the past 6 months and that as part of your healing and moving forward as a separated mother you and your children are going to spend the holiday together without the added pressure from extended family. Holidays are very tough time of year for children of divorce. Create new traditions rather than trying to live old traditions with missing pieces. Allow your children to voice their missing their dad, their anxiety about switching, their guilt of leaving you. These are not conversations or emotions that children can express in front of extended family members who may attempt to force the child to feel a certain way.

[Remudamom]

You don't think I should allow her to come see the kids?

 

No. Let your ex deal with her. That is, if you know he won't let your kids go see some stranger in a hotel.

[jelbe5]

Would I let a stranger keep my kids at a hotel on Thanksgiving? No.

 

Relative or not, this person is a stranger. They do not have a relationship with you or the children. Tell her no. It won't be possible. If she persists to call and harass you, stop taking the calls or change your number. Remember to be direct with your no so that she doesn't think that she can harass you to change your mind.

 

:iagree:

[Dobela]

I don't think you are mean. At all. If she really wants to see them, tell her that until the divorce is final and custody is determined, they are only available thru their father. And, that if she wants time with them, she should ask for an attorney and get her grandparent rights when this all goes to court because right now her son doesn't want a relationship with her. If he doesn't want a relationship with her, then you also assume he doesn't want the kids to have one with her either.

 

Then stop answering the phone or answering any communication with her.

[Truscifi]

He refuses to talk to her or answer her calls. That's why she started calling me. I get Thanksgiving til 6pm.

 

Since you only have them part of the day anyway, I would decide what *you and they* want for your first holiday without their dad. Talk to them, especially the olders, and go from there. I wouldn't even worry about what your mom wants, much less his.

[Katy]

I haven't read the other responses, but I wouldn't take her calls. She's already been verbally and emotionally abusive to you, and she would do the exact same thing with the kids if given the chance. She's clearly unstable and doesn't care about the children (or she would already have a relationship with them). My guess is that Bill doesn't understand why she doesn't have a relationship with them and she's now feeling judged, but does not suddenly care.

 

If she wants a relationship with them she can reconcile with her son and deal with it that way.

 

No way would I EVER let her see them alone, even through him, and even if you do manage to get a divorce, you might want to put in the papers that his mother is not allowed unsupervised visitation.

[QuirkyKapers]

:grouphug:This is an very strange situation. She never was happy with you before and now she wants you to be amiable with her so she can have a relationship with your kids? Her son has rejected her, for the time being. Red flags everywhere. However, if I was going to do anything I would arrange to meet another day other than Thanksgiving at a restaurant. No to the hotel. You could tell her you don't let your kids do sleepovers...anywhere or with anyone except with their dad. Any chance he would decide to have a relationship with her and let the kids go with her?

Edited August 25, 2012 by QuirkyKapers

[Katy]

Thanks, this is lovely. My parents live across the road and we have always done Thanksgiving with them. My MIL hates my mother so I would have to arrange my day around still seeing my parents and the kids seeing their dad after 6pm. My mother would throw a fit if I miss her Thanksgiving.

 

In reality, I am stuck with a bunch of selfish people. I am not sure what boundaries to instill, but still be "Christ-like."

 

My parents are helping me a whole lot right now. I could not make it through Nursing School without them. My mom is just very controlling about having everything done her way. She also is insistant that everyone put on a happy face and look perfect, whether you are dying inside or not.

 

My dh is making all the same decisions his mother made and it hurts to see this. I don't want my kids to hate their dad.

 

The best one of the bunch, my FIL, is being a coward right now but I understand. Dh decided that since he left me I cannot talk to his dad. He ordered his dad not to talk to me. I am so glad his dad chose him because dh needed to know that a parent would choose him over anyone else. But, I wish FIL would grow some and tell dh what a selfish jerk he is being. FIL is afraid that dh will no longer speak to him if he doesn't go along with it all. He plainly told me all this.

 

I guess I talked to her because I want to believe people are good. I wanted to believe that MIL truly misses getting to know her grandkids. I thought we might become friends, and she would come have dinner at my house, and it would be nice.

 

Honey, the Christ-like perspective is that not all people are good. It's clear that however controlling your mom is, your parents love you and your children. They are who you're thankful for this year, and they are who you and your children need to spend the holiday with.

 

Have you read the book Boundaries? It helps Christians to figure these things out. There is nothing wrong with ending interaction with an abusive person who has done little but hurt you. Tell her to go through her son and to stop calling you. Then stop taking her calls. He left, his family is no longer your responsibility, for the good or the bad.

[Annie G]

If she wants to see the kids, she needs to do it during your dh's time with them. Period. If he won't take her calls too bad. And if he's not taking her calls, why are you? She's not your problem anymore if you and your dh are not together.

 

:iagree:

[besroma]

He refuses to talk to her or answer her calls. That's why she started calling me. I get Thanksgiving til 6pm.

 

This is your time with your children. Tell her you have plans.

[clarkacademy]

DH left me back in March, but we are still by several odd circumstances married. Not getting into that though.

 

My MIL has never liked me because I stayed at home while her poor baby had to work 2 jobs. He doesn't work normal jobs even, so he still has 3-4 days off a week. She even had the nerve to say that she never sent the kids birthday/Christmas presents or visited because I didn't make her feel welcome. When I confronted her about it, she said I just seemed tense. She has always chosen men over her 2 children, dh and his sister who is 7 years older. She married a 22yo, who was 13 years younger than her when dh was 5. The guy never wanted children and didn't like them. She has been through a series of guys since then. Whenever she is between men she devotes all this time and money to her son, but as soon as she gets another man she drops him.

Last March she called dh and let it slip that she had been in town the previous weekend. She lives in OK and we live in GA. She never bothered to visit or call us because she was with Bill, her latest. She brushed that aside and told dh she didn't call about that she called to tell him how excited she was about her new 30 foot boat. Dh was really mad because he had asked her for help in divorcing me and she told him she couldn't afford to help him. He also was mad because she announced she wasn't going to her grandson's graduation (SIL oldest son) because Bill's kids wanted to play on the boat (They are 25 and 23 by the way.)

 

So, dh decides to cut her off and he has not spoken to her since. She started calling me in April. She was highly upset and suddenly wants a relationship with her grandkids. She asked me when their birthdays were because she had no clue and guessed that they must be 8,6, and 2. The kids are 12,8, and 4. She sent them all big presents this year. She calls me to talk to them about once a week or once every other week.

 

Ok, now to my problem. She just called me to say that she wanted to see them for Thanksgiving. She said she would stay in a nearby hotel with Bill. She wants to just take the kids back to her hotel. I guess so she doesn't have to see me. This ain't happening.

 

How do I word it the nicest, but also firm and in control?

Would you just quit answering her calls?

 

When dh left me she told me I had done him so wrong over the years that I had to know it was coming. He and his mother believe I was an awful wife because the house isn't white glove test clean. My house is clean, but not spotless. I never have dishes in the sink, I sweep daily, I keep it all orgainized, and I stay on top of laundry. I am sure my baseboards are dingy and I know my wooden bllinds could be soaked, but I don't have time for that. I have always done everything with the house and kids. I cook, clean, and do all childcare alone. I have had so much free time since he left. He takes them 3-4 days a week for a few hours.

 

This just kind of stuck out to me. I hate to sound like a witch but if my son would hold this type of thing against me I wouldn't care to talk to him. She lived her life, she was the best she could be to her kids. She don't owe him. My parents worked like dogs while we were growing up and now they have money to burn. THEIR MONEY THAT THEY WORKED FOR.

 

I would feel ashamed to ask my mother for divorce money. Are you kidding? Gee mom help me pay for my failed marriage. No it's just not right. In answer to your issue with her, no I wouldn't leave my kids with her. It is not your mother and you are not close to her so it isn't your problem. It is your husbands mother so it is his problem.

 

Tell her not to call and be done with it.

[countrygal]

Protect your children!!!! All I can think of is "Bill's a pedophile!" or who knows what else. She could kidnap your children. It's the next 60 minutes mystery... She doesn't know you and you don't know her. If you really want to try to see if a relationship would work, have Thansgiving at a public resaurant.

[Cammie]

Just want to caution that if you haven't gone through your divorce yet you need to be a little extra careful in how you handle this. Now, I agree that ideally you wouldn't have to deal with her anymore. However, at least in some states, how a parent handles the relationships between the children and other family members is something a court will look at to determine issues like custody and visitation. So here is my advice. Be nice. Don't sacrifice safety (don't send them to a hotel) but allow some time. Not necessarily on Thanksgiving. In your home, on your terms,under your supervision. Now, once the divorce is final I would totally tell her that she needs to arrange her visits with the kids through her son and if that doesn't happen, then it doesn't happen.

[RanchGirl]

Do you think your children would benefit from spending time with her and her latest guy? From what you've described of her, it doesn't sound like it would be to their benefit. She's not stable or reliable, and there might be a hidden agenda for this sudden interest in the grandkids. She has been cut off by the children's father and extremely unkind to their mother. She has a history of putting the latest boyfriend before kids and grandkids. That doesn't say great potential relative to me, and I would probably stop taking her calls.

 

If you think the kids might benefit from spending time with her, the most I would do is call and say she can come to town *without Bill* and you will meet her at a restaurant for dinner (not on a holiday, but maybe earlier Thanksgiving week). I would never leave the children with her alone, I wouldn't have her in my home, and I wouldn't have anything to do with the latest boy toy.

 

I suspect if you say it has to be without Bill, that will solve the problem. Unless she steps up at this point, I see no reason to continue taking her calls. I find it quit suspicious that she wants to have them at her hotel with her boyfriend - wouldn't sending a card be a better first step to forming a relationship?

[5 Hikers]

I sent MIL a nice email saying she could meet the kids and I for dinner on Wednesday night and that we also would be available Thursday morning of Thanksgiving day from 9-11. I told her I didn't feel comfortable with her taking the kids off and I would not allow it. I ended it saying that we did hope to see her.

 

She responded and said that it wasn't fair because I allowed my mother to take my kids all the time and she was sure that she loved them more than my mom. She said she did not appreciate the fact that I was putting conditions on her being allowed to see the kids, and it bothered her that she was driving 17 hours to only see them when I said she could. She felt that she was driving that far I should skip my family Thanksgiving to allow her the time she wanted. She also informed me how excited my oldest son was that she was coming. She finally said it wasn't fair because her son would make sure that his dad (her ex that she hates) would always see the kids. He was keeping the kids from her just to hurt her she thought.

 

I responded and told her if she wanted to see the grandkids ever she now needed to go through her son. Just one simple line.

 

Thanks for all the advice. I am really glad that I tried to be nice though. She proved herself there.

[MrsBasil]

Yikes!!

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

I think you handled it very well. I'm sorry you're having to handle it.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

[ktgrok]

If you are not comfortable with her being alone with them at the hotel (and in this situation I wouldn't be), then invite her for dessert to your house.

 

edited: never mind, I just read your update. what a witch.

[Reflections]

WOW. :grouphug:

[elfgivas]

good call. sadly, it sounds as if it was never about the kids, just about getting even with xdh..... it sounds like you handled it all very well.

 

have a lovely thanksgiving with your kids :001_smile:. among other things, you get to be thankful that you tried to be nice, you were reasonable, and things ended up being very clear, which is another big thanksgiving.

 

giving thanks,

ann

[celticmom]

If I were in your place? *I* would want the kids to see their grandma. I wouldn't see it as my place anymore to force a reconnection with the ex and his mom. So, *I* would arrange to meet her for dinner the day after Thanksgiving, something like that. She would not be taking the kids without me. She would not be coming to my house. We would not be doing it during "my" part of the holiday.

 

I am not saying that it is what you or anybody else should do, but that is what I would do. And, yes, I do deal with people like this in my life.

 

:iagree:I absolutely would not allow her to take the children without me but I probably would facilitate some sort of contact.

[gardenmom5]

Ok, now to my problem. She just called me to say that she wanted to see them for Thanksgiving. She said she would stay in a nearby hotel with Bill. She wants to just take the kids back to her hotel. I guess so she doesn't have to see me. This ain't happening.

 

How do I word it the nicest, but also firm and in control?

Would you just quit answering her calls?

.

 

#1 - oh, I"m so sorry, but that just won't work for us. (repeat as necessary. do NOT give a "reason" as that is just an invitation to more petitioning until you cave.) If you desire to be gracious, you can offer to meet her at a park for an hour or two and then you will supervise the kids.

#2 - I would continue some contact on your terms - your children might be grateful one day, and she might actually care for real one day.

[Catwoman]

I just read your update and I feel you did exactly the right thing.

 

Sorry you have to deal with her, but I think you handled it perfectly.

[gardenmom5]

it bothered her that she was driving 17 hours to only see them when I said she could. She felt that she was driving that far I should skip my family Thanksgiving to allow her the time she wanted. She also informed me how excited my oldest son was that she was coming. She finally said it wasn't fair because her son would make sure that his dad (her ex that she hates) would always see the kids. He was keeping the kids from her just to hurt her she thought.

.

how old is she? she sounds like she's six.

 

since it's august, and thanksgiving isn't until november. Now that she won't be driving 17 hours to see your kids, it will not cost her anything to change those plans.

[MomatHWTK]

With the update, and even before, your MIL does not sound like someone I would trust with my kids. :001_huh:

[Hedgehog]

Yikes! This MIL sounds like a piece of work!

 

I think you did right in the way you communicated with her. I hope things work out peacefully for you all. :grouphug: