It's the first day of school, and I'm done with her.

[HollyBee]

I woke my almost 14 year old dd (8th grade) at 7am. Last night I told her that we were starting at 8 am. At 7:45 she was brushing her teeth and had not gotten dressed. Ok, she was downstairs at 8:10, so I let it slide. She made toast, and was done eating at 8:30. She disappeared upstairs after that (I had started math with her 6th grade brother, so I didn't realize this until 8:45). I yelled up the stairs at that point, and she yelled back, "Just a minute!"

 

At that point I gave up, and waited to see when she would grace us with her presence. She showed up at 9:45.

 

I am so mad I could spit nails. I told her that her math was homework today, and that she needed to pick out her clothes for tomorrow because she was going to be on the bus in the morning. I sent her in the other room to read her grammar lesson because I just couldn't look at her.

 

What am I doing wrong? Am I supposed to break down her bedroom door and drag her down? This child is not going to be prepared for high school at this rate because this is her attitude toward all her work. She just doesn't give a ****.

 

Give it to me straight. What do I need to do with this child?

[Lily_Grace]

I alternate between two ideas for 13yo ds. The first, I let him continue screwing around and playing with his work until it's done. And I flip the front door's tag over and turn on his phone so that he can tell his friends, no, he's not done yet.

 

The second is when I get tired of the first. I tell him that I'm concerned that his work is taking so long, therefore I'll start waking him up a half hour earlier each day to see what time he needs to get up to complete it by 3pm. :D Kid had the alarm next to him for 5:30 one day and we got to slowly go back up to 7am after that!

 

ETA: I've noticed that there are periods in ds's life where he needs more supervision than others. Last year was one of those years.

[*********]

Well, I have a few ideas. Keep in mind that while I have teenage stepchildren, I don't homeschool them, so I might be talking out my backside according to some. :D

 

I'd be interested what her consequences were *besides* having math as homework. Perhaps that's enough of a consequence for today, since it's the FIRST day of school. But if it were me, I'd set up clear consequences now that will be in effect starting tomorrow. For example, "DD, if you're not at the table/desk/wherever you want her to school by 8am with breakfast eaten and teeth brushed, you will have X as the consequence". (Use whatever consequence is appropriate for your family.) And then just let it go. Don't get mad, don't threaten sending her off to school. Just dole out the cosequence calmly.

 

Also, I'm wondering if you gave her any help transitioning to getting up at 7am for school. I don't know about your dd, but my dss has been sleeping in very late this summer. We allow it, because, well, this is likely his last summer to be able to do that (he will be interning at dh's work starting next summer). But if your dd had been used to sleeping in later, perhaps it was too abrupt of a change to get up at 7am and be ready to school at 8am?

 

Hang in there, mom. Try to keep calm, keep your temper in check, and just be the one in charge. :grouphug:

[Night Elf]

Is she doing all of her work independently? If not, how about starting with a subject that requires her to be sitting with you. That way she can't hide upstairs. Of course, that won't help her if she does lollygag when she's doing independent work.

 

When you say prepared for high school, what exactly do you mean? Is she going to a brick and mortar high school? Will she homeschool? Are you worried about the level of work? You can't force her to be happy but you can insist on a positive attitude. My ds16 really prefers me sitting with him while he does his work. When he is displaying a bad attitude, I just lose my cool and I walk away. This is what works for us. You'll have to find what makes your dd have a positive attitude. Again, I'm not asking for smiles and a-ha's, but I do not put up with deep sighing, eye rolling, and verbal complaining. It just sets me off. I tell him that sometimes I don't want to be sitting there doing school work anymore than he does; let's get done so we can do something fun!

[snowbeltmom]

:grouphug:

 

How do you structure the day? Do you have set hours and whatever gets done gets done for the day, or do you have a set amount of work that needs to get done in order for the school day to be over, regardless of how long it takes?

 

One suggestion would be to make up a daily assignment list for your dd, and tell her that her school day will not be over until all of the assignments are completed to your satisfaction. This approach may reduce the amount of "nagging" that you have to do throughout the day to keep your dd on task.

[southcarolinamom]

Well, I have a few ideas. Keep in mind that while I have teenage stepchildren, I don't homeschool them, so I might be talking out my backside according to some. :D

 

I'd be interested what her consequences were *besides* having math as homework. Perhaps that's enough of a consequence for today, since it's the FIRST day of school. But if it were me, I'd set up clear consequences now that will be in effect starting tomorrow. For example, "DD, if you're not at the table/desk/wherever you want her to school by 8am with breakfast eaten and teeth brushed, you will have X as the consequence". (Use whatever consequence is appropriate for your family.) And then just let it go. Don't get mad, don't threaten sending her off to school. Just dole out the cosequence calmly.

 

Also, I'm wondering if you gave her any help transitioning to getting up at 7am for school. I don't know about your dd, but my dss has been sleeping in very late this summer. We allow it, because, well, this is likely his last summer to be able to do that (he will be interning at dh's work starting next summer). But if your dd had been used to sleeping in later, perhaps it was too abrupt of a change to get up at 7am and be ready to school at 8am?

 

Hang in there, mom. Try to keep calm, keep your temper in check, and just be the one in charge. :grouphug:

 

:iagree: Well stated! Especially the part about sleeping. It's REALLY hard for teens to get un-used to an earlier-than-normal waking schedule. I let my dd and ds sleep until 9 or 9:30, and then start their school day. It's not important to me when high schoolers get their school work done, as long as it's all done before supper time. Including chores I expect them to do.

 

I'm a "the earlier you start, the earlier you'll be finished" kind of person. My teens don't care all that much. They just crave sleep. And for their health's sake, I let them sleep!

[elegantlion]

:iagree: Well stated! Especially the part about sleeping. It's REALLY hard for teens to get un-used to an earlier-than-normal waking schedule. I let my dd and ds sleep until 9 or 9:30, and then start their school day. It's not important to me when high schoolers get their school work done, as long as it's all done before supper time. Including chores I expect them to do.

 

I'm a "the earlier you start, the earlier you'll be finished" kind of person. My teens don't care all that much. They just crave sleep. And for their health's sake, I let them sleep!

 

:iagree: Ds is just now waking up, it's 9:15.

 

My thoughts are a few things:

 

- have you been transitioning bedtimes? Has she been sleeping later this summer. I don't discount the need for transition time. Ds took two full weeks before school to get back to his normal bedtime.

 

- she's not a morning person. That doesn't negate the not coming downstairs for an hour, but it could explain the dawdling and attitude. Through trial and error, we've discovered that ds needs 45-60 minutes after getting up before we start school. Either that or he's a bear. I'm not a morning person either and need about the same amount of time. We try to plan waking times accordingly.

 

- she knows exactly which buttons to push. She was waiting for you to set the boundaries and seeing what would happen. Now she knows.

[Chris in VA]

Could you have a heart to heart with her?

Could you sit with her and ask her what happened? Maybe first figure out a way to tell her your feelings about your vision for the first day, and how disappointed you were, or hurt, or angry, or...whatever. Not blaming but just stating feelings. Then ask her what she was thinking or feeling about the first day of school.

 

IDK--I would hope to try to reestablish the relationship and go from there. Talking is how I do that, but it's not everyone's cuppa. It just seems like you are taking it very personally, and perhaps she doesn't mean it that way. OTOH, maybe she's secretly pissed at you and being PAgr about it. Like I said, IDK.

 

:grouphug:

 

Wanted to add--I wouldn't threaten the bus just yet. As a teen, I would have wanted some freedom to express myself and make mistakes, with a sense of underlying security. To think that one bad day would equal having to go to school (if homeschooling was the norm and "going to school" was a "bad" thing in my family culture) would make me feel insecure and hurt and angry. Just mo.

It does sound like there's a lot of unresolved anger on your part held over from last year. Perhaps justified--not saying it isn't--but it's hard to start fresh when you are already behind at the start. That's why I think talking it out might be good. Or better--"listening" it out. If she'll talk.

 

And fear--I hear you being afraid she won't be ready for high school. I'd want to explore this a bit about myself.

But I'm a navel-gazer. :)

Edited August 20, 2012 by Chris in VA

[elfgivas]

:grouphug: mine have seasons when they would be exactly like that. at my end, what it takes is that being my only job. i call them, i wait until i have all of them, and then they start. i am teaching one while the other does music practice. because that makes noise, the only thing i need to track is whether or not i can hear her starting. :001_smile:

at their end, the key is different with each child.

 

for us,

child #1 (now almost 29): "what's up? this isn't like you at all. and then listen. and then, well, what can i do to help you so that we don't go down this path tomorrow morning?"

 

child #2 (now 26): constantly being observant. eg. me: school time in 15 minutes. what do you have left to do? and then waiting no more than a minute after the answer to say, "so you're going to brush your teeth now?" (or whatever she said she had left). and then standing in the hallway until she emerged. followed by, "so, is there anything else?" and then i'd be in the area until she was done that, and we'd go down stairs together.

 

child #3 (now 14): good days: she says to me, "mom, 15 minutes until school. have you eaten yet?" the other kind of day: i say to her, "15 minutes until school" and i set the timer. it goes off. she doesn't come. i call her. she may or may not come. i flip the switch turning off the internet, and she appears in two minutes, "mom, the dsl is out again". me: "well, we may as well do school then". (said with a wink)

 

child #4 (now 12): good days: she simply appears and starts sometime in the 15 minutes before school starts. the other kind of day: i say "15 minutes until school" and i set the timer. it goes off. she doesn't come. i call her. she doesn't come. i say "you can lose everything and then do school, or you can come now". and she comes. but a few times, i had to start taking things away. media first, snacks second, dance third......

 

but what has helped a lot is that we have a preschool routine that never varies. just about right now we do outside morning chores.... one girl walks the dog while the other feeds chickens and i hang laundry and haul garbage. the wiggle room on that is okay with me. (eg. dd #3 just came to get chicken food 4 minutes beyond her usual start time. well, i didn't have to remind her, it doesn't take 40 minutes, so its all good). after outside chores they spend 15 minutes tidying their rooms, making their beds, etc. then they have free time until 8am. and i start that routine a week before school starts, so that they are in the swing of it already.

 

hth,

ann

[TammyinTN]

We are 15 days away from starting school...9th grade. We are "practicing" our morning routines now. Up at 7am...school by 9am. That gives us both time to do what we need to, eat, shower and be at the table by 9am. Also...we hit the bed by 10pm and lights out by 11pm. Maybe she needs to ease into your new schedule...some kids also just require more rest than others. Also, I do have very clear consequences for not doing what your suppose to. All the kids knew them and I rarely have trouble in this area anymore.

 

Hope you guys work it out and have a better afternoon. :grouphug:

 

PS---Give her an alarm clock and teach her to get up on her own.

[Blueridge]

First of all, :grouphug:. I also know that with age, comes responsibility...and accountability! Our dd19 stays up late, writing. That is a fruitful endeavor, but also makes it difficult to get up in time for college classes! She learned last year that it isn't a great idea to get up 10 minutes before time to leave, and have to face a campus full of people seeing you with dirty hair and grubby clothes and not be ready for class discussion because you left essential papers at home in the rush of getting out the door. So I didn't really have to do a thing lol. I would advise that you not make school work the punishment, or it will be looked upon with hatred. Hang in there! Lower your expectations just a bit for the first few weeks. Make morning time as stress free as is possible for you, too!

[Paisley Hedgehog]

nm

[Trish]

Well, we start around 10. I think your daughter is at the age when kids tend to sleep in later. Starting at 8 am would feel too regimented to me, unless you have a family of Early Risers that likes starting that early. How about use the opportunity to teach her responsibility for her own schedule? i.e. if she doesn't get things done satisfactorily by a certain time, then privileges don't start on time either, whether that be phone, friends, FIOS or whatever. Let her start managing her own schedule instead of giving yourself heartburn.

 

:grouphug:

[Susan C.]

Time for a reset...... if she comes down willingly at 9:45, then let her sleep until 9:00 and start school at 9:45. That is good for a homeschooling teen that is not a morning person. There are much larger battles to fight. Better to have an awake teen than a sleepy, up before they are ready, can't concentrate teen! She is old enough to give a day's worth of assignments and a deadline (for us, it was bedtime). If you have time you need to do work with her, then tell her the day is her's except for that time. Also, no activities or seeing (or talking/facebooking) friends until work is done.

 

Homeschooling is different..... they have to power most of it by themselves. No sitting in a class listening to a teacher and just taking in information. It really helps to be awake to self teach.

[Swimtaxi234]

I am an early bird, so I would love for my children to wake up at dawn with me and start school but that doesn't happen.

 

When our children first moved to evening swim practice and weren't getting home until 9:30 p.m., then they would need to eat, shower, etc., it was hard to get them to go straight to bed and even harder to wake them up for school.

 

It took me a few weeks, but I finally realized that I could let them sleep an extra 90 minutes in the morning and we still had time to finish our school work before any afternoon activities.

 

Our children were suddenly well rested and willing to work harder with their lessons, etc.

 

Just something to consider if you aren't pressed for time in the afternoons.

[marbel]

I just skimmed the responses so far. I didn't notice (sorry if missed) any comment about your threat that she would be on the bus tomorrow.

 

Are you really prepared to go through with that threat? Could you even do it if prepared? As in, could you get her registered for school and on the bus schedule before the end of the day today?

 

If not, then... please watch those threats. Because kids know when a threat has no backing, and the more empty threats they hear, they less they take anything seriously.

 

We are in the midst of a few weeks of transition from vacation mode to school mode. Even when I was in public school my mom started transitioning me to early mornings a few weeks before school started. There was plenty of warning and preparation.

 

One of my kids can really give me fits. He can be so unmotivated, even on things he finds interesting. He also has chronic nausea that we believe to be real, but can't find a cause or help for. We have some tough days. But they are tougher when I take a hard line with him. When I extend grace and understanding, our days go much better. The work gets done. Yelling at him just made him dig in. Anger just doesn't do much to motivate kids!

 

:grouphug::grouphug: to you and your kids. I'm sure this affects your son too!

[Night Elf]

Homeschooling is different..... they have to power most of it by themselves. No sitting in a class listening to a teacher and just taking in information. It really helps to be awake to self teach.

 

I agree, and it's good for teens to learn to structure their own time because they'll be doing that for the rest of their lives. I rarely had super early morning classes in college and each quarter I worked out a system of knowing when I was in classes and when I had to study and when I had free time.

 

My ds16's schedule is not quite to my liking right now though. He doesn't start until 1:00pm and he's always working after dinner. That wouldn't bother me so much except he expects me to be sitting with him the whole time. Well by evening, I'm ready to do my own thing and not be tied to schoolwork. I wake up at 6:30am and he doesn't get up until 11:45. We're not meshing well right now. He needs to either wake up earlier or work independently at night. I'm working on that this week. :)

[creekmom]

I think you should start by shifting the responsibility over to her... you shouldn't be waking up a 14 year old. Buy her an alarm clock. Decide what time school will begin (I would give her some freedom in deciding this btw), ask her, "If you need to start your work at ...., what time should you set your alarm for each morning?" Take the "monkey" off your back and put it on hers.

 

Next, stop making empty threats. Stop making threats at all. When you do this, she sees you as powerless - resorting to yelling threats to try to get her to obey. She has too much power and not enough responsibility. Discipline is most effective when you act more and speak less.

 

After having the "what time should you set your alarm for in the a.m." discussion, I wouldn't mention it again. Hopefully, she'll see your calm, confident attitude and decide that she'll rise to your expectation. But if she doesn't, I would be ready with a major (huge!!) consequence that you won't hesitate to dish out. Do not wake her up - do not call her downstairs to get started - do not do ANYTHING she should be doing herself. When she finally does appear, calmly say, "Freedom comes with responsibility. I expected you to do ..... on your own, but since you are not taking on that responsibility, I am taking back some of your freedoms. For example, you may no longer have (??? free time with friends, screen time that's not limited by me, the freedom to .... fill in the blank with something very dear to her!!) When she asks how long it will last, do not give her a time frame. Tell her that when she is characterized by a responsible attitude towards her chores/school work, etc., you'll consider giving her responsibility/freedom in other areas as well.

Hope this helps!

[Parrothead]

I tell my teenager that if he is not able to start school on time (8am here), then obviously he needs an earlier bedtime and earlier wake-up. I also don't wait for him to "grace us" with his presence. If it is time for his tail to be downstairs working, then I get his tail downstairs working. Pronto. A couple of times already this year that has meant going up to his room with a squirt gun and soaking him to get him moving. Not kidding.

 

Teens are hard, and they will take every inch you give them and push for more. Make some rules and consequences, and stick to them.

 

:grouphug:

:iagree: My 8th grader is only 12 (soon to be 13) but this is how it works around here. Today the consequence is having to work through the tired. That is what happens to adults too. One can't call in sick because one decided to stay up reading with a flashlight.

 

She is cranky (for her) and continually yawning. We've had the talk about lights out at 9p tonight. She agrees that is what is needed.

 

Good luck.

[KatieJ]

I think you should start by shifting the responsibility over to her... you shouldn't be waking up a 14 year old. Buy her an alarm clock. Decide what time school will begin (I would give her some freedom in deciding this btw), ask her, "If you need to start your work at ...., what time should you set your alarm for each morning?" Take the "monkey" off your back and put it on hers.

 

Next, stop making empty threats. Stop making threats at all. When you do this, she sees you as powerless - resorting to yelling threats to try to get her to obey. She has too much power and not enough responsibility. Discipline is most effective when you act more and speak less.

 

After having the "what time should you set your alarm for in the a.m." discussion, I wouldn't mention it again. Hopefully, she'll see your calm, confident attitude and decide that she'll rise to your expectation. But if she doesn't, I would be ready with a major (huge!!) consequence that you won't hesitate to dish out. Do not wake her up - do not call her downstairs to get started - do not do ANYTHING she should be doing herself. When she finally does appear, calmly say, "Freedom comes with responsibility. I expected you to do ..... on your own, but since you are not taking on that responsibility, I am taking back some of your freedoms. For example, you may no longer have (??? free time with friends, screen time that's not limited by me, the freedom to .... fill in the blank with something very dear to her!!) When she asks how long it will last, do not give her a time frame. Tell her that when she is characterized by a responsible attitude towards her chores/school work, etc., you'll consider giving her responsibility/freedom in other areas as well.

Hope this helps!

 

 

:iagree: At our house 9am was the start time and I usually didn't have a hard time getting my teens to the table by that time. They were all given alarm clocks early on and all were responsible for getting themselves up.

 

BTW..you might want to point out to her that Public school kids are usually sitting at their desks by 8am. One of my sons took an early class and had to be at his desk by 7am. My oldest daughter was in marching band in high school. Every fall for 4 years she was at attention holding her trumpet by 7am.

[FriedClams]

I dont have teens, but I heard this idea once and love it.

 

Make a list of all the fun pivledges they have planned for the weekend. Mall, phone, tv, etc.... Make sure it's the good stuff - nothing "sort of" fun. Post it on the fridge. Every time she's late - have her cross one item off. Hold her to it. No anger, no discussion. I've heard it doesn't take long for them to get it.

[Stacy in NJ]

I sent my oldest to school last year for 9th grade. He'll continue there this year for 10th.

 

How does she feel about homeschooling? How much control does she have about her schooling options.

 

When they reach those teen years some of them just want some control. They're trying to transition into young adults and forming opinions. They want to actualize those opinions. Sometimes that's good and natural, sometimes that's not so great. :D

 

If she's generally on board with homeschooling, I'd encourage you both to come up with some type of agreed upon schedule that holds you both accountable. BUT, she needs to buy in. If she's not on board, well, any plan you come up with might devolve into passive/aggressive conflict and that will take all focus off of the actual academics. Homeschooling may then become a power struggle. Not fun.

[myfunnybunch]

I sent her in the other room to read her grammar lesson because I just couldn't look at her.

 

What am I doing wrong? Am I supposed to break down her bedroom door and drag her down? This child is not going to be prepared for high school at this rate because this is her attitude toward all her work. She just doesn't give a ****.

 

Give it to me straight. What do I need to do with this child?

 

This last bit is what really stuck out to me, having had a teen who a) had a VERY difficult time getting up in the morning, b) seemed as though she didn't really give a asterisk-asterisk either, and c) got very frustrated and upset when I got frustrated and upset.

 

This sounds to me, reading the post, like it is about who's in control rather than the actual time she got up. You are so angry you can't look at her, you're asking what you're doing wrong. This isn't a criticism, and I'm not saying you're wrong to be upset.

 

I have been there. Here's my advice: Step back. Deep breath. Please don't make this into a power struggle or make it personal.

 

Here's what *I* would do in your situation:

Decide ahead of time why you need her to get up at that time.

Decide ahead of time on a reasonable consequence for not getting up when asked.

Sit down with her and apologize for threatening her with school.

Tell her that you need her to start school on time because .....(whatever your reason is for needing that early time). If you can be flexible with time, let her know that if 8 a.m. is too early, she can start later but she needs to be finished by a set end time so that you can (whatever you need to do).

Let her know the consequences for either not getting up on time or not finishing her work on time.

Calmly follow through on the consequences.

 

And a side note: It might be partly the age and genuine teen/growing issues. My dd, at 14, truly could not wake up to her alarm. When she was homeschooled, we adusted our start time because it was so difficult for her to wake; when she went back to public school, she really did need me to stand at the door and wait until she was actually out of bed and moving. She started growing out of it around 16 or so.

 

:grouphug: Be patient. Be kind. That doesn't mean that there are no consequences, but she'll be able to hear you better if you're not this frustrated.

 

Cat

Edited August 20, 2012 by myfunnybunch
grammar slip

[ondreeuh]

:grouphug:

 

I homeschooled my daughter for 8th grade and did half her classes for 10th grade. It is much, much better on our family when she is held accountable to someone else. As much as it sucks, she tries harder when she knows there's no leeway. Apparently I am too soft (although I can get downright p***ed off when she slacks). After resorting to treating her like she was 8 and micromanaging her to ensure she finished a course last year, I told her this year she is ON HER OWN. She is in PS with a heavy load, and I am so glad it's not MY problem anymore.

 

If you do choose PS, it could be a decent choice.

[Plucky]

14 is a hard age. I sent my dd to private school for 9th and she will go again for 10th. She loves it and she appreciates me so much more. We are very close now and before we were butting heads. So if you have a good, safe school it might be an option. I don't know that I'd send one to middle school. I strongly dislike middle school for kids.

 

Either way, know you are not alone. :)

[Rebel Yell]

I woke my almost 14 year old dd (8th grade) at 7am. Last night I told her that we were starting at 8 am. At 7:45 she was brushing her teeth and had not gotten dressed. Ok, she was downstairs at 8:10, so I let it slide. She made toast, and was done eating at 8:30. She disappeared upstairs after that (I had started math with her 6th grade brother, so I didn't realize this until 8:45). I yelled up the stairs at that point, and she yelled back, "Just a minute!"

 

At that point I gave up, and waited to see when she would grace us with her presence. She showed up at 9:45.

 

I am so mad I could spit nails. I told her that her math was homework today, and that she needed to pick out her clothes for tomorrow because she was going to be on the bus in the morning. I sent her in the other room to read her grammar lesson because I just couldn't look at her.

 

What am I doing wrong? Am I supposed to break down her bedroom door and drag her down? This child is not going to be prepared for high school at this rate because this is her attitude toward all her work. She just doesn't give a ****.

 

Give it to me straight. What do I need to do with this child?

 

I just skimmed the responses so far. I didn't notice (sorry if missed) any comment about your threat that she would be on the bus tomorrow.

 

Are you really prepared to go through with that threat? Could you even do it if prepared? As in, could you get her registered for school and on the bus schedule before the end of the day today?

 

If not, then... please watch those threats. Because kids know when a threat has no backing, and the more empty threats they hear, they less they take anything seriously.

:iagree:

This last bit is what really stuck out to me, having had a teen who a) had a VERY difficult time getting up in the morning, b) seemed as though she didn't really give a asterisk-asterisk either, and c) got very frustrated and upset when I got frustrated and upset.

 

This sounds to me, reading the post, like it is about whose in control rather than the actual time she got up. You are so angry you can't look at her, you're asking what you're doing wrong. This isn't a criticism, and I'm not saying you're wrong to be upset.

 

I have been there. Here's my advice: Step back. Deep breath. Please don't make this into a power struggle or make it personal.

 

Here's what *I* would do in your situation:

Decide ahead of time why you need her to get up at that time.

Decide ahead of time on a reasonable consequence for not getting up when asked.

Sit down with her and apologize for threatening her with school.

Tell her that you need her to start school on time because .....(whatever your reason is for needing that early time). If you can be flexible with time, let her know that if 8 a.m. is too early, she can start later but she needs to be finished by a set end time so that you can (whatever you need to do).

Let her know the consequences for either not getting up on time or not finishing her work on time.

Calmly follow through on the consequences.

 

And a side note: It might be partly the age and genuine teen/growing issues. My dd, at 14, truly could not wake up to her alarm. When she was homeschooled, we adusted our start time because it was so difficult for her to wake; when she went back to public school, she really did need me to stand at the door and wait until she was actually out of bed and moving. She started growing out of it around 16 or so.

 

:grouphug: Be patient. Be kind. That doesn't mean that there are no consequences, but she'll be able to hear you better if you're not this frustrated.

 

Cat

:iagree:100million%.

 

Do you have a specific reason or outside schedule that requires her to be up at a specific time? Is she going to public/outside school next year?

 

I am not a morning person. We start school at 9ish... and we eat breakfast in front of the TV while watching QuickStudy- a Bible program. And subjects we do together start at 10am (QuickStudy is over at 9:30) BabyBaby has a piano lesson Mondays at 9am, so we get up early and leave at 8:30, and we always make it to Friday co-op by 8:45, and it;s 30+ mins away. So when we really do have to be somewhere early, we can be. When we don't have to be anywhere, it truly does not matter. Also, DH doesn;t get home from work until 6:30 or later, so finishing school by noon or 2pm or whatever just isn;t a priority.

 

I really don't care at what time or where they do their work, and long as the work gets done by the deadline. They have all had outside classes/co-ops where they were accountable to someone else for a deadline. If my girls end up in careers that have rigid schedules and early morning start-times, I'm sure they will do just fine. I also wouldn't be surprised if they end up in careers that have irregular hours, including teaching afterschool/evening classes.

 

But back tot he original question: don't take her late start time personally. She may also have figured that you're already mad at her- and just gave up. Do things liek that happen a lot in your house? She gets defeated and feels liek she just can't do somethign right and gives up? No matter what, i think an abrupt "Be ready at this time tomorrow" command when that isn;t the norm was too difficult *for her.*

 

A gentle question as a former teen who was severely misunderstood by the adults in her life: How do you know she doesn;t care? She isn;t doing exactly what you want when you want her to do it. It may seem like the simplest most obvious process int he world to you, but maybe she needs more guidance- even if 'every other 14yo' in the world doesn't seem to need it. And could she say the same of you- if she were describing this morning to her friends, what would she say? Would she think you don't give a **** about her?

 

:grouphug: and I sincerely do hope the rest of your day/week/year goes much better.

[bobbeym]

I've noticed DS got more sluggish around 13/14 when he used to be a very early and animated riser. These days he gets up around 6:30/7 and plans to start schooling around 9 this year at his choice. Time management is a big focus in our house this year.

 

I agree with pp about not making idle threats just because you're frustrated. Your DD is even less likely to listen if she knows you won't follow through.

 

Maybe give her some more input on when she wants to start schooling. Perhaps a later start time will work better and she'll be better focused on what needs to be done.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[fairfarmhand]

:grouphug:

 

How do you structure the day? Do you have set hours and whatever gets done gets done for the day, or do you have a set amount of work that needs to get done in order for the school day to be over, regardless of how long it takes?

 

One suggestion would be to make up a daily assignment list for your dd, and tell her that her school day will not be over until all of the assignments are completed to your satisfaction. This approach may reduce the amount of "nagging" that you have to do throughout the day to keep your dd on task.

 

:iagree: Ds is just now waking up, it's 9:15.

 

My thoughts are a few things:

 

- have you been transitioning bedtimes? Has she been sleeping later this summer. I don't discount the need for transition time. Ds took two full weeks before school to get back to his normal bedtime.

 

- she's not a morning person. That doesn't negate the not coming downstairs for an hour, but it could explain the dawdling and attitude. Through trial and error, we've discovered that ds needs 45-60 minutes after getting up before we start school. Either that or he's a bear. I'm not a morning person either and need about the same amount of time. We try to plan waking times accordingly.

 

- she knows exactly which buttons to push. She was waiting for you to set the boundaries and seeing what would happen. Now she knows.

:iagree:

 

I have a 14 yo. What you described would be the dance at our house if I hadn't done the following:

 

Starting last year, we sat down and outlined how long school would take. I also talked to her about extra curricular stuff that would be happening in the afternoon. She agreed with me that having to do school until 3 pm makes the day drag out super long (don't know why but we are much more efficient in the morning) I also told her that an hour of PE was being added to her schedule. She has to practice piano for an hour as well. Given all of that, both of us came to the conclusion that she had to get up a t 6 am and be ready to hit the books at 9 am (after 1 hour P.E. and 1 hour piano practice) This gives her plenty of time to shower, dress and do chores.

 

I like this system because 1. she gets up in a routine manner. (we need a routine) 2. piano practice gives me a chance to get started with my youngers while she is still being productive 3. the exercise REALLY mellows her out and helps her get to bed on time each night. She puts herself to bed at 8:30 or so every evening. 4. Piano is a good way to ease into the day.

 

Starting last year, I moved to more independent work for her. She really needed ownership over school a bit more and it was a good change for us.

 

Although she was getting up early and exercising on my schedule, the pace of her work was up to her (with mom enforced minimums on each day)

[J-rap]

We did two things that helped with this. First, we started our day at 9 instead of 8. This made ALL the difference for us, and gave no one an excuse to be late! Secondly, we always all started the day together. We all had to be sitting around the table at 9am. Can you plan some sort of short activity to begin your day that involves everyone? For us it was a Bible study, but of course it could be a number of things.

 

Others already gave good advice on following through with responsibility, etc.

[KatieJ]

:iagree: At our house 9am was the start time and I usually didn't have a hard time getting my teens to the table by that time. They were all given alarm clocks early on and all were responsible for getting themselves up.

 

BTW..you might want to point out to her that Public school kids are usually sitting at their desks by 8am. One of my sons took an early class and had to be at his desk by 7am. My oldest daughter was in marching band in high school. Every fall for 4 years she was at attention holding her trumpet by 7am.

 

I didn't mean to sound bragadose or that we had it all together, we certainly didn't.

Teens like to sleep late naturally. My oldest son researched it for a paper one time.

 

However, my kids did know that they were expected to be up and it was there responsibility to get to the table on time.

They will if they are given the responsibility to do so.

[Aggie]

Could she write her own schedule? I give my teens a list of what needs to be covered each day, then they give me their schedule. They know what time they need to be finished to get to evening activities.

 

As a pp mentioned, if work isn't done, or done poorly, activities are cut out.

[HollyBee]

Thank you to everyone. I have read every response, and I'm definitely thinking things through.

 

To answer a couple of questions: She may or may not go to school next year--we haven't decided yet. Thus, she needs to be preparing just in case. Also, the threat to send her to PS this year, while I probably shouldn't have done that, is not an empty threat. I would do that if it came to it, though I'd rather not. (And yes, if I had gone down to the school this afternoon, she could have been on the bus in the morning.)

 

She has an alarm, but is completely hit or miss on getting herself up in the morning. But no, I didn't give her adequate adjustment time; we actually sorta started last Thursday with a couple of really light days, when I had them get up at 8:00. Then she slept in this weekend, and then I asked them to be up at 7:00 this morning. She would much rather stay up late and sleep in late, but we have activities in the afternoons, so schoolwork can't take all day.

 

She really focused after our confrontation and got a lot done. Then we sat down and had a cup of tea and discussed what this year would be like. She agreed to take more responsibility for her work in exchange for getting to sleep later. We've had this issue in the past, though; she talks a good game but doesn't follow through. She's also the ultimate dawdler. I suspect she's a tad ADD, but she's never been diagnosed. So, we'll see how that goes. I asked her what she thought would be appropriate consequences; I need to run those by DH and get his input.

 

She's a good kid, but I've definitely been too soft in the past regarding her not getting things done. I really think it's time to buckle down and get serious about her work.

 

Again, thanks for all the input. It's also good to see that I'm not alone. Sometimes I feel like it's all my fault and I'm failing her. :001_unsure:

[KatieJ]

It's also good to see that I'm not alone. Sometimes I feel like it's all my fault and I'm failing her. :001_unsure:

 

You are not alone.

It's not all your fault.

You are not failing her.

 

Repeat as often as you need to.

[ChristyB in TN]

I dont have teens, but I heard this idea once and love it.

 

Make a list of all the fun pivledges they have planned for the weekend. Mall, phone, tv, etc.... Make sure it's the good stuff - nothing "sort of" fun. Post it on the fridge. Every time she's late - have her cross one item off. Hold her to it. No anger, no discussion. I've heard it doesn't take long for them to get it.

 

Looooooove this. :iagree:

[Chris in VA]

You are not alone.

It's not all your fault.

You are not failing her.

 

Repeat as often as you need to.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree::grouphug:

 

It's a long haul, and we all get frustrated and occasionally exhausted.

 

I'm glad you got to sit with her and talk. Maybe you could both sit again and write up some goals to refer to during the next couple of weeks. Revisit them and keep on doing this every 2 weeks or so--What worked, what you should change, how did it go, etc.

[Annie G]

:iagree::iagree::iagree::grouphug:

 

It's a long haul, and we all get frustrated and occasionally exhausted.

 

I'm glad you got to sit with her and talk. Maybe you could both sit again and write up some goals to refer to during the next couple of weeks. Revisit them and keep on doing this every 2 weeks or so--What worked, what you should change, how did it go, etc.

 

:iagree:

 

I also want to remind you that teens taking responsibility for work doesn't mean you don't have to check EVERY DAY to be sure it's done properly. It's so easy to let that slide- and then six weeks later you discover the work hasn't been done or is being done poorly.

 

I needed school to be finished at a certain time so *I* had time to get my own things done. Checking work at bedtime left no room to have a kid redo it if it wasn't done right, unless doing it the next day was acceptable. And often it wasn't. So I needed most work done by 3 PM so I could check it and assign a do-over if it was warranted. A kid wanting to go to a friend's house might slack off on math (or whatever) in order to finish and get going. If I checked at bedtime or the next morning, the natural consequence was already past.

 

I'm ok with being somewhat flexible with scheduling but our teens seemed to rise to the expectations we set- barring any learning issues or late night obligations, of course. When show weeks rolled around, that was a special event and school was adjusted.

[Myeightkiddies]

I woke my almost 14 year old dd (8th grade) at 7am. Last night I told her that we were starting at 8 am. At 7:45 she was brushing her teeth and had not gotten dressed. Ok, she was downstairs at 8:10, so I let it slide. She made toast, and was done eating at 8:30. She disappeared upstairs after that (I had started math with her 6th grade brother, so I didn't realize this until 8:45). I yelled up the stairs at that point, and she yelled back, "Just a minute!"

 

At that point I gave up, and waited to see when she would grace us with her presence. She showed up at 9:45.

 

 

She showed up 1 hours and 45 minutes late today. Obviously she needs extra time to get ready for school since it took her 2 hours and 45 minutes to "wake-up" and prepare.. Ok, no problem at all. Tomorrow morning wake her up at 5:15am.

 

Remember not to threaten to send her to public school. Either she will attend public school or not. Threats work about the same with teens as they do toddlers. They eventually learn it is an empty threat, and only following-through will get their attention. To be honest, this is a discipline issue and not really worthy of public school, yet.

 

So, allow her the extra 2 hours and 45 minutes to wake up and get going. She will just have to get up at 5:15am in order to get that time. You are giving her the time while not adjusting your schedule. Later she can determine whether or not she needs that extra time. I'm sure she will find a way to get ready sooner in exchange for the sleep.

 

It's up to you as to whether you lower her bed time. It doesn't matter either way. Her new waking time is 5:15am whether she goes to sleep at 9pm or 11pm. She'll learn. Just be diligent and don't budge until she comes to you about it.

 

Yes, it will be hard on you, but I am sure she will get the point. This is especially true if you don't complain or fuss about getting up early to wake her up in the morning. If you don't make a big deal about it, she will think you are willing to do this anytime she drags her feet.

[myfunnybunch]

You are not alone.

It's not all your fault.

You are not failing her.

 

Repeat as often as you need to.

 

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

 

I'm glad you got to talk. Good for you for taking the time to sit down with her. She's making a transition between Mom being responsible for her to being responsible for herself. Instead of failing her, you are doing exactly what she needs: involving her in solving the problem, coaching her, making sure she understands your expectations and that she's responsible for meeting them. Good job. :grouphug:

 

Cat

[Haiku]

She showed up 1 hours and 45 minutes late today. Obviously she needs extra time to get ready for school since it took her 2 hours and 45 minutes to "wake-up" and prepare.. Ok, no problem at all. Tomorrow morning wake her up at 5:15am.

 

 

Yup. That's exactly what we have done with my dd, now 18, when she simply can't find it within her to get up and be ready to do something. We went through a period when she was 15 where she was woken 3 hours before she had to leave to go anywhere. Have to leave for a doctor's appointment at 8:00? Good morning, sunshine, it's 5 am and time to get rolling!

 

At one point my husband, who used to run in the mornings, would make her get up and go running with him, which required her getting up 2 1/2 hours early for school.

 

We informed her that when she no longer needed to be supervised like a young child while she got ready in the morning, she could choose her own waking time. It took her about 6 weeks to do so. I think the kicker was when we started sending her to bed 3 hours early, too, because she was getting crabby from lack of sleep. :D

 

I don't take cr@p from my kids. I'm a hard-@$$. I think I'm doing well, though, because I turned my adopted-as-a-pre-teen, it's-not-my-problem-mom-it's-yours kid into a real go-getter who, as an entering high school senior, has already secured a full scholarship for her freshman year of college.

 

I don't regret my hard-@$$sedness a bit.

 

Tara

[Ghee]

Mine are very easily distracted. If I have to drag anything out, or set anything up, they wander off and the next thing I know they are in the bathroom (again), on the computer, on the TV. We had to have some strict rules - no TV, no computers, no Kindles before school hours. Don't even turn it on. Don't even look at it or pick it up. I told them that I expected them to eat, brush their teeth and hair, dress and then come sit at the table and be ready to go. If I was still working on something or finishing up something else, JUST SIT THERE! 5 minutes of boredom without passively being entertained won't kill them, even though they are sure it will.

 

I have also had issues with a kid or two "drifting away" while I'm busy with the third. That makes me so frickety fracking mad. We had a long conversation about THAT, too. "Just because I can't answer your question, watch over your shoulder, explain something RIGHT THAT SECOND, doesn't mean you need to go do something else. It means sit there and keep trying to get it on your own until I'm available."

 

Honestly, I've found my 13 year old to be very lazy and not able to motivate himself. We started doing independent work today. He had the same number of assignments that his 10 year old sister did, some on the same level and a few that were a bit harder (but still well within his ability to complete on his own.) She was done in an hour. It took him twice as long because he won't just dig in and do the work. There's always some way to procrastinate and, if he doesn't "get it" right away, he just gives up on it. It's very frustrating, but I think it's his personality. DH is very similar. He is not going to do hammer away at something if it's a challenge without a tangible reward. I find myself constantly doing mental "cool downs" because he will try something once and then say "I don't know then" and walk away, which DS seems to have inherited. I'm the type to keep circling it and dinging at it until I make it work. I may stomp off, but five minutes later I'm at it again. I cannot stand to be "beaten" LOL

 

I'm thinking with my youngest, he needs some incentive to sit down and finish the work. He really enjoys the drama of crying and saying "I don't knoooow." even when the answer is obvious. Why you wouldn't just answer the questions and be done so you can do something you like, I don't know. Nope, he'd rather drag out 5 spelling words over an hour. From now on, with work I know he can do, I may set a timer for X amount of time and if he finishes he can earn something (I don't know what, he's incredibly hard to reward because he doesn't really want much) or maybe a point towards doing something. If he doesn't, then well he just sits there until it's done and no reward.

 

With my oldest....I don't know. A cattle prod keeps coming to mind, but I'm sure that would be frowned on.

[Haiku]

A cattle prod keeps coming to mind, but I'm sure that would be frowned on.

 

:lol:

 

Tara

[Momma2Luke]

This last bit is what really stuck out to me, having had a teen who a) had a VERY difficult time getting up in the morning, b) seemed as though she didn't really give a asterisk-asterisk either, and c) got very frustrated and upset when I got frustrated and upset.

 

This sounds to me, reading the post, like it is about who's in control rather than the actual time she got up. You are so angry you can't look at her, you're asking what you're doing wrong. This isn't a criticism, and I'm not saying you're wrong to be upset.

 

Cat

 

:iagree:

 

The feeling I got from reading the original post was that there were some control issues simmering.

 

As previous posters have indicated - I don't think an imposed wake up time is necessary for a teen.. they should have some say in when they wake up. And I don't think at that age a parent needs to be the alarm clock!

 

what about :

a) having a list of work that needs to be completed for the day (would be ideal if the student also had a say in this),

b)decide ahead of time on a mutually agreeable consequence for not getting the work completed and

c) then let her know the times you are available for assistance/coaching/etc? STICK to your availability....

d) the rest is up to her to decide (when to do it, etc)

e) apply consequences as needed...