"Surprise! You're my dad!" WWYD?

[shinyhappypeople]

Long story short: 20 years ago my older sister (in her early 20s at the time) went through a promiscuous phase and conceived my niece "D". Sis wasn't sure who the father was, but narrowed the list down. Through process of elimination she eventually figured out that "K" is D's father.

 

D is a terrific young lady, in college, and just a huge blessing to our family :D However, not having a dad in her life has left a huge hole in heart. She recently found him on facebook and asked my sister to message him and let him know she'd like to know more about him.

 

Sis messaged K and said that she understood this would be a huge shock for him, but he was almost certainly D's father. She emphasized that neither she nor D want any money or anything like that, D just wanted to know more about him. (She said more than that, too, but those are the high points)

 

She hasn't heard back yet, but I'm not surprised. He's probably still scraping himself up off the floor.

 

So, anyway, it got me thinking: what would you do if your DH got a message like this? What would your DH (or if you're a guy, YOU) do if you found out that you have a child you'd never known about? Would the age of the child make a difference?

 

ETA: child support is NOT an issue since D is an adult and neither sis nor D would ask for money at this point. Their motives are totally pure.

 

ETA2: My sister had no way of contacting (he moved out of state and this was pre-internet) and there were other extenuating circumstances that I'm not going into further. You'll just have to trust me that my sis wasn't intentionally trying to deprive her DD of her father or vice versa. Having said that, it's good to know that he might initially be feeling ANGRY. I hadn't thought of that.

Edited July 18, 2012 by shinyhappypeople

[Veritaserum]

I'd be shocked and then I'd be really upset that I was not told earlier. Missing 20 years of my child's life would be a Big Deal.

 

If this were to happen to dh, I'd encourage him to meet his child and develop a relationship.

[Osmosis Mom]

I guess first I would check his wall and see he is actually using his FB page. Secondly then I would not count on FB as a message media because messages can get lost in the shuffle.

 

I guess there is nothing much to reply. If people sleep around, surely they must have some level of expectation that it could have consequences. On a personal note, then I have secretly wished that my deceased older brother (who had led a very sad, stupid life with a few girl friends) had left us some surprise. I mean we already knew he was living wild and after losing him at age 25, then it would not have been sad to have a child of his pop up......

[Slipper]

Shocked and upset. He should have at least had the choice to be a father.

[Kathryn]

Unless she's Facebook friends with him, it went to his "Other" mailbox where he won't see it, most likely. So, I wouldn't take it personally if there's no reply from a FB message.

 

As to the question, I can't really imagine since there's no possible way for that to happen with us. but, I expect that either of us would be eager to learn about the child and get to know them. I'm sure I'd be upset at the other parent for not have told me all that time.

 

ETA: I just asked DH and he said exactly the same, but said the first thing he'd do is ask for a test to make sure before he got excited about having another child.

Edited July 18, 2012 by kebg11

[Impish]

Angry. Very, very angry that someone would make such a decision as to keep a child from a parent w/out a da*n good reason (safety issues). The level of dishonesty and self centredness needed to decide, w/out any input, to cut out the other parent, to not even bother to give them a choice, turns my stomach.

[Melinda in VT]

I'd be shocked and then I'd be really upset that I was not told earlier. Missing 20 years of my child's life would be a Big Deal.

 

If this were to happen to dh, I'd encourage him to meet his child and develop a relationship.

 

:iagree:

[OrganicAnn]

I think it might take a while for someone to even remember who they were with 20 years ago. Then it might take awhile to accept it. Then it might take a while to figure out how to tell wife/significant other. Then if he has kids he might want to think about telling them.

 

Also I wouldn't be surprised if he asked your sister/niece for a paternity test. If she was that wild in her wild phase it might be that she forgot someone. If it were the guy, I'd want to know for sure before I became invested emotionally.

 

Then I also would be mad that there was no "Hey there might be a chance your a daddy" 20 years ago, so at least he'd have an opportunity if he wanted it. His parents might have died not knowing they had a grandchild, etc.

 

Also you never know what his situation is. What if his wife had fertility issues, it might be the last thing he would want is a daughter out of the blue.

 

Even though they say the don't want money, you never know.

 

I can see why he would be cautious.

[Bang!Zoom!]

I would have talked to a lawyer prior to sending the hello.

 

Having seen this up close and person many times-there's things that come up you don't ever, ever expect.

 

What's done is done.

[Dobela]

This actually happened to a friend of ours. Now, a few years later, it is ok, but in the beginning, it was horrible. He eventually asked for genetic testing to make certain that it was his child, especially since the relationship with the mother had been incredibly brief. And I mean it is ok, not great. He likes the child, but there were still years of lies and misleading information from the other mother over the years that made for many difficult conversations. I don't know if they will ever be close and other family members have had a hard time getting to know the child as well.

 

On the other hand, another friend of mine (she is 45) found her dad just 2 or 3 years ago. He had left when she was an infant and she harbored it against him. They have a great relationship now.

[tex-mex]

Angry. Very, very angry that someone would make such a decision as to keep a child from a parent w/out a da*n good reason (safety issues). The level of dishonesty and self centredness needed to decide, w/out any input, to cut out the other parent, to not even bother to give them a choice, turns my stomach.

:iagree:

 

Plus the fact that there may be a spouse in the picture who would not like it if she discovered her husband was a player and now has a kid. I can see the father not wanting to admit this to his family. Then never keep in touch. Ethically and morally wrong, but it happens.

[shinyhappypeople]

Unless she's Facebook friends with him, it went to his "Other" mailbox where he won't see it, most likely. So, I wouldn't take it personally if there's no reply from a FB message.

 

Thanks for the info. I didn't realize that. I'll pass it on to my sister.

[A.Balaban]

Thanks for the info. I didn't realize that. I'll pass it on to my sister.

 

In that case, since he was able to be found on Facebook, I would do some further snooping (on the internet). Google his name and city, see what comes up. You'll probably be able to find a home address where you can mail the same letter in case he doesn't reply. I'd also check his facebook friends, and any information in his about section of Facebook.

 

He probably isn't going to believe straight away that its his child, unless there is a distinct resemblance. So, I guess, be prepared to dish out for voluntary genetic testing.

 

At the end of the day, though, it is better to reach out (and be accepted or rejected-- just to take that chance) than to constantly wonder "what....?"

 

I am adopted, and I have not found my father yet.

[Retired]

Well I see a lot of folks would be upset or think the women was selfish....I went through a rebellious promiscuous phase and I wouldn't wanted a relationship with any of those guys...I was pretty messed up at that point in my life. I say the women made the best of her choices and raised a good daughter.

 

The "new" dad probably was just as promiscuous at the same period of time. He probably was the olds boys ideas "are you on the pill" yeah yeah " oh man that fills good" and that was the end of the conversation.

 

All the guys prior to HIV condom drives pretty much have a good chance of father a kids they never knew about.

 

I just don't pass judgment in situations like these until you have walked in their shoes.

Edited July 18, 2012 by Cafelattee
privacy

[shinyhappypeople]

For the record, my sister had no way didn't know how to contact/locate him (he moved out of state and this was pre-internet) and there were other extenuating circumstances that I'm not going into further. You'll just have to trust me that my sis wasn't intentionally trying to deprive her DD of her father or vice versa.

 

Having said that, it's good to know that he might initially be feeling ANGRY. I hadn't thought of that.

[katilac]

I would request DNA testing right away. I'd be fine with having a relationship if it was indeed his daughter, but I'm sure we'd both be upset that it wasn't said 20 years prior.

 

I would not want to talk/interact until the test results were final. There's no point to it if he's not the dad, and it would be emotionally difficult to treat her like a daughter and find out she was not. If you have to narrow it down and 'eventually' figure out who the father is, you are not very sure! :D

[hthnmamax2]

:grouphug: For the OP's sister.

 

My DGM made a similar decision over 50 years ago. She had her reasons for that decision just as the OP's sister had her reasons. Doesn't make her a bad person. It means she made the best decision with what she had at the time. If only we all had the fortune of hindsight, life would be so much easier.

[Bang!Zoom!]

I saw a family destroyed by late contact.

 

Once upon a time, when things were hard, mom was on public assistance.

 

Fast forward 19 years.

 

"Hi, I'm your kid."

 

Guess what happened to the mom after it was ratted out to the state by a PO'd relative of the fathers who didn't like the mom?

 

Forced paternity. Forced repayment of every dollar of help she ever got.

[tex-mex]

I saw a family destroyed by late contact.

 

Once upon a time, when things were hard, mom was on public assistance.

 

Fast forward 19 years.

 

"Hi, I'm your kid."

 

Guess what happened to the mom after it was ratted out to the state by a PO'd relative of the fathers who didn't like the mom?

 

Forced paternity. Forced repayment of every dollar of help she ever got.

If the parent was previously on public assistance, can the state still try to recoup $$$ from the other parent? I am assuming in the above scenario, the parent was currently using public assistance and the case worker acted on the tip. Boom... forced paternity & repayment to the state.

[Bang!Zoom!]

It's a for your whole lifetime deal. No aging off point or loss of responsibility.

 

They can even levy fines on the amount owed.

 

For the non custodial parent, they can make a major major mess of that also in retroactive child support that is a forced issue, not something one can choose to decline or pass on.

 

In another family case, I saw a brother (New! Hi!) brother, get hit with a lawsuit by an estranged (old, never knew you were around) - brother when it was discovered his father had run into a grand sum of money over a health issue. It was multi millions at stake.

 

All related parties had to decline/sign off/ or petition for rights to the estate after he died and there was money left in payments from the insurance settlement.

 

In another family case, when the natural father died, there was an all out lawyer fest for the remains of the estate even though the bio child had never been recognized in decades.

 

This type of thing can float down generational ways you'd never guess.

 

A good friend of mine went plouncing down this road, only to discover a terminal early age, onset disease that went through the male genetic line. 50/50 chance her sons were carrying it.

 

She hasn't slept a night since, and that was a helluva blow to deliver to her kids when her "heart" was in the right place at the start.

 

Both sons have declined genetic testing.

Edited July 18, 2012 by one*mom

[Myeightkiddies]

If my dh said that it was a possibility, I would accept the child and welcome them into our family. I'd leave the decision of DNA testing to him, which he probably would request.

 

If my dh said that it isn't possible or is too hard to believe, I would be reserved until DNA testing proved it.

 

I would not judge the mother, unless I walked in her shoes.

[clarkacademy]

I saw a family utterly destroyed by this nonsense too. A boy I dated briefly in highschool, great parents, great home very Christian home a wonderful family. On my boyfriends 18th birthday a girl showed up at his door looking for her dad. She was 22 I think at the time. Turns out this very very Christian guy had gotten drunk one time at a party before he got married and had sex.

 

He never even realized he had sex first off. He married his sweetie, went to college American Dream. They were both supposed virgins etc. His wife couldn't handle it and they wound up getting a divorce. It was so sad and tragic. Needless to say he never forgave the girl or her mother and they have no relationship at all.

 

My boyfriend and his siblings completely hate the girl for ruining their family. My now ex got confused at one point with another person with the same name in the same highschool and was told he had a kid. He made it clear that he didn't have a kid. Didn't want to know anything at all about it. Turned out it was a mistake in names but he was adamant he didn't care and wanted to know nothing.

 

He kind of looked at it like an attack and so did I. We had our kids our family what right did lies from the past have to mess it all up? If I found out my dad wasn't my dad I would not look them up. If I had given a child up for adoption under closed circumstances by my choice I would be angry at being looked up.

[Veritaserum]

I saw a family utterly destroyed by this nonsense too. A boy I dated briefly in highschool, great parents, great home very Christian home a wonderful family. On my boyfriends 18th birthday a girl showed up at his door looking for her dad. She was 22 I think at the time. Turns out this very very Christian guy had gotten drunk one time at a party before he got married and had sex.

 

He never even realized he had sex first off. He married his sweetie, went to college American Dream. They were both supposed virgins etc. His wife couldn't handle it and they wound up getting a divorce. It was so sad and tragic. ]Needless to say he never forgave the girl or her mother and they have no relationship at all.

 

My boyfriend and his siblings completely hate the girl for ruining their family. My now ex got confused at one point with another person with the same name in the same highschool and was told he had a kid. He made it clear that he didn't have a kid. Didn't want to know anything at all about it. Turned out it was a mistake in names but he was adamant he didn't care and wanted to know nothing.

 

He kind of looked at it like an attack and so did I. We had our kids our family what right did lies from the past have to mess it all up? If I found out my dad wasn't my dad I would not look them up. If I had given a child up for adoption under closed circumstances by my choice I would be angry at being looked up.

 

How in the world is it the girl's fault? :confused:

 

Dh and I were both professed virgins when we married each other, but if he had been lying or had an unremembered encounter, I wouldn't end my marriage over it. :001_huh:

[RainbowSprinkles]

I'd probably be shocked, then angry at his stupidity. I would get over it and encourage him to test and make sure the child really is his. If it is true I would leave it up to him how to proceed from there. I would be supportive of his decision.

[homefront]

If I had given a child up for adoption under closed circumstances by my choice I would be angry at being looked up.

 

This is hard on the child and they had no choice. My best friend went through this with her birth mom. She still wishes there was some sort of middle man so she could get medical records.

 

I also think the emotional response including anger is normal but it should not be a surprise that a child(adult) looks up birth parents.

[Mimm]

How in the world is it the girl's fault? :confused:

 

 

Because she's an adult and she just walked into someone's life and caused a bunch of destruction simply because she shared DNA with them. Do we really have the right to do that? Am I the only one who thinks that parents and children don't owe each other a relationship if the relationship will be destructive to one of them?

 

-Signed,

Not Speaking to my Dad

[katilac]

I'm sure some people handle it poorly, or there are unforeseen consequences, but none of that would keep me from wanting to know if dh has another kid out there somewhere. If it's his kid, it's his kid, no matter what the consequences are.

 

As far as retroactive child support, it's going to be rare for an UNAWARE father to be pursued. Most states have guidelines saying that, if the child is over 3 or 5 or so, AND the father had no reason to suspect it was his child, then retroactive child support will not be pursued. If it can be shown that the mom knew who the father was, and chose not to say, then yes, she could be pursued for repayment (as she was defrauding the system). But a completely unaware bio dad is not in danger of having to pay 20 years of back child support.

 

As far as having your secrets revealed, or having to split family money another way? Meh, that's the way the ball bounces. I don't respect someone who resents their own kid for coming forward - no matter how many years ago, you made the decision, bud. And if a surprise sibling suddenly popped up to take a share of the inheritance or whatever . . . it might be unexpected, but they ARE a sibling, so there ya go.

 

I would personally roll my eyes at people who say that such a situation "ruined their life." It's not usually said in reference to a 20-yr-old, but it's still true: A baby can't ruin your life, a baby can only ruin your plans. Your own reactions and secrets and lies? Yeah, those can ruin your life, if you let them.

Edited July 18, 2012 by katilac
"not"

[Pippen]

Sis messaged K and said that she understood this would be a huge shock for him, but he was almost certainly D's father. She emphasized that neither she nor D want any money or anything like that, D just wanted to know more about him. (She said more than that, too, but those are the high points)

 

She hasn't heard back yet, but I'm not surprised. He's probably still scraping himself up off the floor.

.

 

Anything is possible here, including a spouse or significant other seeing the message first.

[clarkacademy]

Because she's an adult and she just walked into someone's life and caused a bunch of destruction simply because she shared DNA with them. Do we really have the right to do that? Am I the only one who thinks that parents and children don't owe each other a relationship if the relationship will be destructive to one of them?

 

-Signed,

Not Speaking to my Dad

 

No you are not the only one and I say this having a GREAT relationship with my parents Sorry you are not speaking to your dad

[Laurie4b]

I would be skeptical. I'm not sure how certain "narrowing it down" would be if she didn't know then?

That part is confusing.And I would encourage a DNA test before doing anything else.

 

I think if my dh found himself in this situation (and he wouldn't) that he would be very sad for what he missed, very guilty for what he didn't provide, and very angry at not being told, and happy to meet his child. I think I would be angry, too--at the mom for not letting him know. I would support my dh being involved in the life of his child because I think it's right. I wouldn't hold it against a dh if he didn't know. This happened to the dh of a woman I know. She totally accepted it. (They have no children of their own.)

 

However, I know of other men who would think it was a terrific hassle to be informed of this.

Edited July 18, 2012 by Laurie4b

[clarkacademy]

How in the world is it the girl's fault? :confused:

 

Dh and I were both professed virgins when we married each other, but if he had been lying or had an unremembered encounter, I wouldn't end my marriage over it. :001_huh:

 

Marrying a man taking on a kid is one thing but too find out years later?? No way. I would be so angry I would spit among a few other things.

[kalanamak]

Your own reactions and secrets and lies? Yeah, those can ruin your life, if you let them.

 

:iagree: And for all we know the outraged devout wife who dumped her husband over this had been secretly looking for a way out that wouldn't besmirch her. Has been known to happen.

 

And to dump a husband over one night that many years ago? It DOES besmirch her. It is making sex FAR too mighty and powerful.

[Tap]

This happened to one of dh's very good friends. It was a horribly devastating process that left him very mad.

 

He got a call from a woman he dated for a short while. He had a 16yo daughter who would like to meet him. He had ZERO idea this girl existed or that there was even a pregnancy. The math made perfect sense and the girl looked just like him (classic Irish).

 

He is a strong Christian man, financially sound and mentally stable. He is a kind and loving man. Never married (a couple serious relationships), no kids. He is funny, kind, modern, energetic and in him mid 30's. There really isn't anything to dislike about this guy. He would have loved having a child and while he felt cheated, he was happy to move forward and get to know her. He went into meeting her with an open mind and happy attitude.

 

The met one night, had dinner and then he went to her sporting event soon after. They talked about seeing each other again but they broke it off for the night. Then he never, ever heard from them again. He tried contacting the mom, and the daughter through various methods....and they never called to even say goodbye. He offered to maybe help with some college expenses but never expected to be 'daddy' so I don't think he went in being pushy.

 

He ended up with a huge wound and no closure. Now he knows there is a girl out there that he didn't get to know growing up, who also now rejected him as an adult. :( Obviously, he filled the girls 'curiosity' and that was all they were after!

 

 

I know that contact has already been started, but I urge anyone who finds themselves in this situation, to think long and hard before opening a wound for the man, if you aren't willing to do some thing about it. It is really not fair for him to get dragged into this without taking his feelings into consideration.

[Pippen]

On a personal note, then I have secretly wished that my deceased older brother (who had led a very sad, stupid life with a few girl friends) had left us some surprise. I mean we already knew he was living wild and after losing him at age 25, then it would not have been sad to have a child of his pop up......

 

My brother died in a car accident when he was 21 and we think he did leave a son behind. My mom saw his former girlfriend shortly after his death and said the baby looked just like him. My mom left the door wide open for her to spill, including a mention of life insurance that we would have been glad to see gone to her if that was the case. But she was settled into another relationship at the time and said nothing.

 

I know a couple who discovered he had fathered a child in the past when the wife opened a Christmas card and a family photo that included a boy who looked exactly like her husband. Very distinct features so there was no denying paternity. Really bad way to find out, and deliberate.

[Dory]

Because she's an adult and she just walked into someone's life and caused a bunch of destruction simply because she shared DNA with them. Do we really have the right to do that? Am I the only one who thinks that parents and children don't owe each other a relationship if the relationship will be destructive to one of them?

 

-Signed,

Not Speaking to my Dad

 

It's one thing to have known your dad, your family, and to choose not to have a relationship with them. I'm one of those people that would be happy if I never had to see my dad again. It is natural though for someone to want to know a little about the people that they come from. Even if they don't do anything more than meet, to know if that strange mannerism they have, or the hair color, or eye color, comes from them, gives most kids (even as adults) a sense of where they come from. It's grounding. The unknown is hard on most people.

Mistakes happen. To make people, whether the parents or the kids, pay for it years down the road, is immature. It would be perfectly fine on the other hand to look at the girl and tell her that he's glad she's doing alright, but he's not ready for a relationship with her at this time in his life. Being angry at her doesn't help anyone or anything.

[CalicoKat]

Anything is possible here, including a spouse or significant other seeing the message first.

 

agreed. My bil didn't know his now xwife had access to his facebook password and during the divorce she was reading his emails. :001_huh:

 

You just never know who all read that note.

[katilac]

Because she's an adult and she just walked into someone's life and caused a bunch of destruction simply because she shared DNA with them. Do we really have the right to do that? Am I the only one who thinks that parents and children don't owe each other a relationship if the relationship will be destructive to one of them?

 

-Signed,

Not Speaking to my Dad

 

Sharing DNA is a pretty big deal to most people. I think that the kids in this type of case certainly have the right to approach the purported father, have their paternity confirmed (or not), and see if a personal relationship is possible. If the father wants to refuse to recognize his own blood simply because it's inconvenient or embarrassing - well, I'm pretty sure the right to be a jackass is protected in the constitution.

 

Finding out that one has an unknown branch to the family tree is not something that destroys the life of a functioning, reasonable adult. clarkacademy's story, for example - it's one thing for a grown woman to be hurt when she discovers her husband of 20 years wasn't a virgin when they married as he claimed; it's another thing entirely (a very dysfunctional thing, imo) for her to not be able to handle it to the extent that she DIVORCES him.

 

As for him? Gimme a break, he realized he had sex, it is not that difficult to figure out :rolleyes: And it's simply pathetic that this "very Christian guy" is refusing to 'forgive' his own daughter, particularly as she did not do anything that requires forgiveness. Perhaps he should turn that anger on his own actions and lies.

[clarkacademy]

From a womans point of view, I would be devasted if it were my husband. Our marriage would not survive it I know this as fact. I would never involve myself with a man who had children at all period.

 

To find this out years later it would be a divorce. Maybe that is stupid to some people but that is not what I would sign up for I don't want that type of situation in my life. I would never deal with that whole step parent thing it is not who I am and I don't want it in any way. I know that sounds cruel but I would be livid.

 

I say this as a person who has a father with no blood ties. He is my dad, but I don't see how the man did it. I would not in any way accept a child in my home under those circumastances. There would be no choice as I would leave period. I do not and will not get invlolved with a man who has children. I would hate the mother for her lies. I would not be happy.

[Impish]

I saw a family utterly destroyed by this nonsense too. A boy I dated briefly in highschool, great parents, great home very Christian home a wonderful family. On my boyfriends 18th birthday a girl showed up at his door looking for her dad. She was 22 I think at the time. Turns out this very very Christian guy had gotten drunk one time at a party before he got married and had sex.

 

He never even realized he had sex first off. He married his sweetie, went to college American Dream. They were both supposed virgins etc. His wife couldn't handle it and they wound up getting a divorce. It was so sad and tragic. Needless to say he never forgave the girl or her mother and they have no relationship at all.

 

My boyfriend and his siblings completely hate the girl for ruining their family. My now ex got confused at one point with another person with the same name in the same highschool and was told he had a kid. He made it clear that he didn't have a kid. Didn't want to know anything at all about it. Turned out it was a mistake in names but he was adamant he didn't care and wanted to know nothing.

 

He kind of looked at it like an attack and so did I. We had our kids our family what right did lies from the past have to mess it all up? If I found out my dad wasn't my dad I would not look them up. If I had given a child up for adoption under closed circumstances by my choice I would be angry at being looked up.

ridiculous. Not the child (and she was the innocent in this, regardless of age) at fault b/c someone got drunk and didn't keep his bits to himself.

 

an attack? Seriously? She had the right to contact her bparent, to find out family medical history, etc. SHE wasn't responsible for the situation, the so called adults were.

 

These were consequences of HIS actions, regardless of if he claims to remember it or not. To scape goat the innocent surely doesn't say much about his character.

[Barb_]

Sharing DNA is a pretty big deal to most people. I think that the kids in this type of case certainly have the right to approach the purported father, have their paternity confirmed (or not), and see if a personal relationship is possible. If the father wants to refuse to recognize his own blood simply because it's inconvenient or embarrassing - well, I'm pretty sure the right to be a jackass is protected in the constitution.

 

Finding out that one has an unknown branch to the family tree is not something that destroys the life of a functioning, reasonable adult. clarkacademy's story, for example - it's one thing for a grown woman to be hurt when she discovers her husband of 20 years wasn't a virgin when they married as he claimed; it's another thing entirely (a very dysfunctional thing, imo) for her to not be able to handle it to the extent that she DIVORCES him.

 

As for him? Gimme a break, he realized he had sex, it is not that difficult to figure out :rolleyes: And it's simply pathetic that this "very Christian guy" is refusing to 'forgive' his own daughter, particularly as she did not do anything that requires forgiveness. Perhaps he should turn that anger on his own actions and lies.

 

Wow, nicely put. :iagree: with everything you wrote. In all of these cases the children didn't ask to be born into the situations described. They are innocent bystanders (well, except for the one example where the girl behaved badly after contact had been made and her curiosity assuaged). Can you imagine what it must feel like to reach out to a fully grown, mature man who probably has a pretty good idea of the importance of understanding one's roots and have him coldly reject you? What a horrible thing to experience.

[RanchGirl]

I'm sure some people handle it poorly, or there are unforeseen consequences, but none of that would keep me from wanting to know if dh has another kid out there somewhere. If it's his kid, it's his kid, no matter what the consequences are.

 

<snip>

 

As far as having your secrets revealed, or having to split family money another way? Meh, that's the way the ball bounces. I don't respect someone who resents their own kid for coming forward - no matter how many years ago, you made the decision, bud. And if a surprise sibling suddenly popped up to take a share of the inheritance or whatever . . . it might be unexpected, but they ARE a sibling, so there ya go.

 

I would personally roll my eyes at people who say that such a situation "ruined their life." It's not usually said in reference to a 20-yr-old, but it's still true: A baby can't ruin your life, a baby can only ruin your plans. Your own reactions and secrets and lies? Yeah, those can ruin your life, if you let them.

 

I agree with the above. I have ZERO respect for the man or his wife who blame a child for simply existing. PULLEEZE. How offensive. He had sex, these are the consequences. I think the "very" Christian thing to do is treat this child, who grew up without a father, with compassion. In fact, the Bible even says to treat the fatherless with compassion!

 

If it happened to us, I would 100% want to know this child and let her be as much a part of the family as she was willing. It would be messy and complicated but that's life. I would never reject a child of mine or my husband's.

Edited July 18, 2012 by RanchGirl
clarity

[Barb_]

From a womans point of view, I would be devasted if it were my husband. Our marriage would not survive it I know this as fact. I would never involve myself with a man who had children at all period.

 

To find this out years later it would be a divorce. Maybe that is stupid to some people but that is not what I would sign up for I don't want that type of situation in my life. I would never deal with that whole step parent thing it is not who I am and I don't want it in any way. I know that sounds cruel but I would be livid.

 

I say this as a person who has a father with no blood ties. He is my dad, but I don't see how the man did it. I would not in any way accept a child in my home under those circumastances. There would be no choice as I would leave period. I do not and will not get invlolved with a man who has children. I would hate the mother for her lies. I would not be happy.

 

:svengo: There haven't been many posts on this board in the past 12 years that have left me completely shocked and speechless. This one takes the cake.

[Veritaserum]

Sharing DNA is a pretty big deal to most people. I think that the kids in this type of case certainly have the right to approach the purported father, have their paternity confirmed (or not), and see if a personal relationship is possible. If the father wants to refuse to recognize his own blood simply because it's inconvenient or embarrassing - well, I'm pretty sure the right to be a jackass is protected in the constitution.

 

Finding out that one has an unknown branch to the family tree is not something that destroys the life of a functioning, reasonable adult. clarkacademy's story, for example - it's one thing for a grown woman to be hurt when she discovers her husband of 20 years wasn't a virgin when they married as he claimed; it's another thing entirely (a very dysfunctional thing, imo) for her to not be able to handle it to the extent that she DIVORCES him.

 

As for him? Gimme a break, he realized he had sex, it is not that difficult to figure out :rolleyes: And it's simply pathetic that this "very Christian guy" is refusing to 'forgive' his own daughter, particularly as she did not do anything that requires forgiveness. Perhaps he should turn that anger on his own actions and lies.

 

:iagree:

[EmilyK]

Agreed with all the people who say I'd want to know my husband's child but sad and angry we didn't know earlier.

 

I believe the OP, but if this happened to us I'd be very skeptical about the "we couldn't find you" bit. I'm old enough to remember a lot before the internet and there were ways to find people before that, things like going to public libraries to look at phone books, calling directories in the town you thought someone lived, etc. You didn't even have to hire and investigator, but you could. There could be a lot the OP can't tell us on that, but if this happened to me I'd be very skeptical unless this was an anonymous encounter, in case you wouldn't know the name for facebook.

[clarkacademy]

:svengo: There haven't been many posts on this board in the past 12 years that have left me completely shocked and speechless. This one takes the cake.

 

I'm sorry. It is just how I feel. I have the utmost respect for those in blended families but I would never want one in any way at all. I wouldn't want that in my life. My father is the best dad in the world because he didn't have to be but I would never want that life.

 

It's not fair to anyone but I know I would be miserable and that wouldn't be fair either. Blended families are amazing when they work and total destruction when they don't. I signed up to marry you in sickness in health etc etc but I would never date a man with children to begin with so finding out years later would just devastate me.

[Kathryn]

:svengo: There haven't been many posts on this board in the past 12 years that have left me completely shocked and speechless. This one takes the cake.

 

:iagree: I just cannot form a coherent sentence that wouldn't get me in trouble.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I'm sorry. It is just how I feel. I have the utmost respect for those in blended families but I would never want one in any way at all. I wouldn't want that in my life. My father is the best dad in the world because he didn't have to be but I would never want that life.

 

It's not fair to anyone but I know I would be miserable and that wouldn't be fair either. Blended families are amazing when they work and total destruction when they don't. I signed up to marry you in sickness in health etc etc but I would never date a man with children to begin with so finding out years later would just devastate me.

 

But...it's a person! A human!

[TammyS]

I wouldn't be angry with the child (the adult child), but I wouldn't accept her into our family, either. I would be angry with the mother for the decision she made. And I would suggest to the daughter that she be angry with her mother, too. I would let the daughter know that while I hold no animosity toward her, we have a family and she's not part of it. It's not fair, true, but it's fact. It's a fact that her mother created and now, fair or not, she has to live with. Sometimes parents make choices for their children that are unfortunate, and that is, as one poster put it, the way the ball bounces. And unless we were wealthy enough for it not to matter, I would take legal steps to ensure that she was entitled to nothing from my husband's estate.

 

I grew up in a family with multiple "strings" from divorces and remarriages and I swore I would never have that kind of mess in my life again once I got free of it. I deliberately never dated men that were previously married or had children in order to avoid it.

 

If you look into this sort of "late reunion" thing, the statistics on it aren't good, they aren't even almost-good. I would not have my family disrupted for what is almost certain to turn out badly.

[clarkacademy]

But...it's a person! A human!

 

I know I wouldn't hate the kid or anything like that it is not their fault. I just decided after seeing all the drama my parents went through over me and my siblings that I would never deal with any of that. I broke it once. I dated a man with children, I loved them like my own they all even went to the same school as my kids and it ended terribly when he cheated on me.

 

I never got to see those kids again that was it for me.

[clarkacademy]

I wouldn't be angry with the child (the adult child), but I wouldn't accept her into our family, either. I would be angry with the mother for the decision she made. And I would suggest to the daughter that she be angry with her mother, too. I would let the daughter know that while I hold no animosity toward her, we have a family and she's not part of it. It's not fair, true, but it's fact. It's a fact that her mother created and now, fair or not, she has to live with. Sometimes parents make choices for their children that are unfortunate, and that is, as one poster put it, the way the ball bounces. And unless we were wealthy enough for it not to matter, I would take legal steps to ensure that she was entitled to nothing from my husband's estate.

 

I grew up in a family with multiple "strings" from divorces and remarriages and I swore I would never have that kind of mess in my life again once I got free of it. I deliberately never dated men that were previously married or had children in order to avoid it.

 

If you look into this sort of "late reunion" thing, the statistics on it aren't good, they aren't even almost-good. I would not have my family disrupted for what is almost certain to turn out badly.

 

Thank you it is nice when other people can understand how I feel too.