WWYD if a neighbour tore a strip up one side and down the other of your child?

[4kids4me]

There are three 9yo girls that play together on the street. My child (T), P, and D. All three are strong-willed extroverts.

 

D's mom is...unique. If you ask her how she is, be prepared for an hour for her to tell you. She monopolizes the conversation like nothing I've encountered. We have a few mutual friends and this is what she's known for, so much so that people tend to avoid talking to her. Her problems, to her, are worse than anyone else's.

 

I'm the only at-home mom on the street. For months the three girls have been bickering with each other, and with D's mom's knowledge, the girls choose on their own to come to me to work it out. I've spent hours listening to them and I encourage each to work on something that will contribute to peace. I've treated them equally and fairly. I believe, because I've listened to all three for so long, I have a pretty good grasp of what's been going on. For the most part, D is controlling and wants the other two to do what they want. T reacts and a fight can escalate. P tries to be a peacemaker and makes the situation worse by taking sides and playing the other two. T tries to walk away but D is characterized by either walking behind her and continuing to chirp at her or physically stopping her (standing in front or grabbing her). D, like her mom, does not let things drop and continues to push and push.

 

But D's mom now doesn't see it that way. Her dd is being "bullied" and picked on by the other two. This week I talked to P's mom, explaining that I've instructed my dd to just walk away when a fight starts as she's not handling it well. I've told her to walk away because she cannot reason with D. In talking to P's mom I've explained that my dd is not mad at P but because it's not fair to "take P with her", she'll just walk away on her own and P can decide what to do.

 

Well last night D's mom had D call both girls over (and my dd's friend from church came) and literally tore a strip off both girls. My dd was bawling, so much so that her face was all splotchy. D is truly a manipulative girl (there's more to the story, but it'll get too long!), and we've already experienced this with her older sister and my eldest dd (not an extrovert and not a fighter). T's friend said, "I was SO scared. I've never been yelled at that hard in my life, even when I cut my friend's hair when I was 5."

 

Bottom line, this mom cornered the girls and used her authority to be excessively cruel. Never have I spoken to ANY child on the street this way!!!! To have my dd bawling and she's continuing to yell and go on and on...I am LIVID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

What I wanted to do was go over and f-bomb her out. I didn't. Dh will most likely be talking to them today.

 

For now our kids are not to be calling on their kids, though dh has said to younger son, who plays with d's twin, that if they're on the street they can play.

 

This really affects how dd will be approaching D now and it has only fanned the flames, imo. I feel badly that the mom can't see what her daughter is doing and is allowing her to manipulate her. In the end, it just leads to broken friendships. I'm also sad that really, this is a mom that CANNOT be reasoned with. :(

 

How would you react if someone had been cruel to your child? I get that this kind of thing happens. It just seems to be quite over the top and I'm shocked.

[Danestress]

Your daughter deserves to see that friendship, while it has its ups and downs, does not require hours and hours of parent supervised discussion. She is better than that. She doesn't have to remain friends when it is not working even if the person lives near her.

 

I would teach her how to break up. You want her to know how to break up with a boy friend some day if he is a problem. You don't want her to hang in there out of guilt or a fear of being alone.

 

I don't know the best way to do it, but I would communicate to the other family that there has been a breakdown in the relationship and there will be no further contact between the girls. Be prepared to repeat over and over, "we think this is best for both girls." I would not even confront the mom about her wildly inappropriate behavior. The less said, the better. Cut her out of your life and that will speak loudly with less likelihood of a neighborhood scene.

 

I would work hard helping her find activities and friends.

[Pamela H in Texas]

I'm sure the mother just wanted an end to the situation also. Though I have no doubt that you have a good idea of the circumstances, their family has their take also. Some people just view things WAY differently and can be problematic (oy, is that an understatement in the situation we currently are in). Additionally, she probably had no intention of taking it so far, but....

 

I agree with the PP that a break is in order for now since the adults are having trouble (the break was probably in order well before there were hours<?> of discussion/coaching). I do think you must be direct with P's mother because otherwise she'll believe you are picking on her child further. *I* would not enter the house for the discussion so it can be 3 minutes, not 30 minutes. I would speak in hushed tones. Keep it short and sweet and to the point.

 

The other good thing about cutting things off, at least for a good while is that your daughter can enjoy friendships that don't include so much drama. HOPEFULLY, she'll decide that she doesn't have to put up with the crud and can walk away, temporarily or permanently, when she feels it necessary. It may be that next year, she decides to do only X with D. or whatever...but she'll learn how much she wants D and her issues in her life.

 

It may be wise to cut YOUR involvement though! My son was young elementary (7?) when he had an issue with the neighbor boy. This kid just got under his skin. And the kid was a bit rough around the edges too. Son would fuss about him and I told him that he didn't have to play with kid, could come in any time, etc. Well, one time, kid grabbed ds by the collar so ds punched him in the nose. We disciplined ds and made him go over to apologize. After that, any time ds was getting frustrated with that kid, he'd come inside. It only took a handful of times for the kid's behavior to change a bit also. But my "coaching" in such a situation wasn't HOURS. Each time he'd be frustrated, I may have had him think out what he could have done differently for a total of two minutes, tops. And when the bigger incident happened, it probably was 10 minutes. After that, I simply praised him for making a good decision and praised him further if he felt the decision was unfair (he had to come in because C wouldn't behave). Sometimes the right choice is hard.

 

Anyway, hopefully y'all can find some less drama filled fun for the summer :)

[4kids4me]

Thank Ladies. Yup, I did say hours. The thing of it is, with most of my friends I could say, "Listen, my kid is being a twerp, so is yours. Let's deal with it." Then in the privacy within our homes it'd be dealt with and they'd go on their merry way. But this mom is...I'm not sure...maybe she's unstable. I think that raging to other people's children is an unstable thing to do. In any regard, children learn what they live, and if D is manipulative and controlling, and her mom dominates conversations, well, I think that that's what she's living with.

 

Ok, here's the problem I foresee happening with a break up. It leaves P in the middle of it. This week my dd and P have been together a couple of times (as have D and P!), and it was yesterday's visit with one another that set D's mom off, "You think, T, you can have all the friends to yourself?" (She said this after my dd asked, in front of her mom, if D wanted to play and both D and her mom went inside and ignored my dd.)

 

ARGHHHH!!!!!!!

[Pamela H in Texas]

You can't worry about what other people are doing or will do. You can only decide what you and your kids will do.

 

The only carefulness I would work on in the situation is:

 

1) to be friendly (smile, say hi, etc when you do see them) and

2) make sure your daughter doesn't "steal" her friend from D (can't go outside D's house and ask other child to play with her)

[4kids4me]

I get it. This whole situation is so stupid!!!! Why can't parents take responsibility and train their children without putting so much of their own insecurities on to them? My dd is held responsible when she's doing wrong. She's been reprimanded...deal with it and move on.

 

So sad for D. How her mom has handled this isn't going to help her in life. :(

[Parrothead]

...and literally tore a strip off both girls.

 

How would you react if someone had been cruel to your child?...

 

 

I'm not sure if you literally mean your child was literally injured by this woman or not. I don't know if the phrase "tore a strip off" means actual physical harm or is not actually something that literally happened.

 

If you child was injured by this woman the police should be called immediately and charges pressed. I'd also take the child to the ER or her doctor for independent confirmation of the injuries.

 

Now, if you don't mean that your child was literally physically harmed, I'd simply avoid contact with the other child and her disturbed mother.

[TXMomof4]

I do agree a break is in order. My girls have times like that with the neighbor - and no one is allowed outside until they can all be kind. Fortunately, the other mom is on the same page and see the drama for what it is.

 

As far as someone else ripping into my kid - I don't know what to tell you. I think I would have to let dh handle it because I caertainly wouldn't have a calm and peaceful response. That is obviously competely inappropriate, but I doubt the other mom even realized it. I'd bet she yells a lot.

[4kids4me]

Oh, maybe it's a cultural thing! In Canada it's a saying, meaning someone ranted/raged on you.

 

To me it's emotional abuse, especially when my dd's guest said, "I was so scared. I've never been yelled at like that in my whole life." To scare children, and to continue to rage while one is upset to the point that they're bawling and their face has gone all splotchy from crying (obvious distress), to me, is akin to abuse.

 

Do I call the police? At this point I think not. We all have had that *one crazy neighbour* either growing up or now in adulthood. If it happens again, they will be called. Thing is, she wants to be a "special constable" (a step down from a police officer...they haul prisoners to and from the court to jail)...and if I call the police it could get back to recruitment. I'm livid, and could fight fire with fire, but I want to be above that and react in a way that shows that I'm not retaliating at her level.

[Juniper]

Normally, I am not for the gossip approach, but in this case I might put a call in to P's mother. Find out how she is doing after the upsetting episode and see if her mom has any bright ideas on how to progress from here. You may be able to provide a unified front and draw a line that this will. not. happen. again!

 

In the end though, you are only responsible for your dd. In this case I would probably arrange the playdates via phone first, and for awhile I would walk outside to be present when a child leaves my house for the other or the opposite. I would be willing to address the mother directly and say, "My child no longer feels safe around you and that greatly affects her ability to socialize with your dd."

 

Hope that helps!

[ErinE]

I would teach her how to break up. You want her to know how to break up with a boy friend some day if he is a problem. You don't want her to hang in there out of guilt or a fear of being alone.

 

I don't know the best way to do it, but I would communicate to the other family that there has been a breakdown in the relationship and there will be no further contact between the girls. Be prepared to repeat over and over, "we think this is best for both girls." I would not even confront the mom about her wildly inappropriate behavior. The less said, the better. Cut her out of your life and that will speak loudly with less likelihood of a neighborhood scene.

 

I agree, especially the bolded. No need to confront the mom about her behavior. It won't change her mind.

[Serenade]

You've gotten lots of good advice, but I'd tell your DD not to talk with D's mom unless you are present. If D's mom ever confronts her again, she should say "Let me get my mom, and we can talk about this together." And she should walk away and get you.

[besroma]

You've gotten lots of good advice, but I'd tell your DD not to talk with D's mom unless you are present. If D's mom ever confronts her again, she should say "Let me get my mom, and we can talk about this together." And she should walk away and get you.

 

:iagree: If this woman is unstable (as she sounds), I would sever all ties with her and her child. Unless she gets help, having them in your life will likely bring stress and more harm to you and your children.

[QueenCat]

Oh, maybe it's a cultural thing! In Canada it's a saying, meaning someone ranted/raged on you.

 

 

I've heard people say "rip you up one side and down the other" to mean ranting at someone, but not "strip". Or "rip them apart". Primarily have heard this in the southern part of the U.S.

Edited June 16, 2012 by CathieC

[JFSinIL]

I would not let my kid go into D's house, and tell her to stay in the front yard if she plays there, so it is easier for her to come home (tell her to always say "Oh, I hear my mom" or "Oh I forgot my moms wanted to tell me something" as an excuse if need be) if D's mom comes outside. If she and P want to play with D at all. And tell her she will NEVER be in trouble if she has to just run home if D's mom starts talking and forbids her to leave.

 

Sounds like D needs a friend (and a reasonable adult around, which is you) but D's mom is another story.

[Harriet Vane]

Your daughter deserves to see that friendship, while it has its ups and downs, does not require hours and hours of parent supervised discussion. She is better than that. She doesn't have to remain friends when it is not working even if the person lives near her.

 

I would teach her how to break up. You want her to know how to break up with a boy friend some day if he is a problem. You don't want her to hang in there out of guilt or a fear of being alone.

 

I don't know the best way to do it, but I would communicate to the other family that there has been a breakdown in the relationship and there will be no further contact between the girls. Be prepared to repeat over and over, "we think this is best for both girls." I would not even confront the mom about her wildly inappropriate behavior. The less said, the better. Cut her out of your life and that will speak loudly with less likelihood of a neighborhood scene.

 

I would work hard helping her find activities and friends.

 

:iagree:

 

I would also make it clear to D's mom that if she has a problem in future, to communicate directly with YOU rather than with the kids. Be as calm and sweet as possible about it. Do not give long explanations. Just repeat one or two simple statements, and walk away.

 

Do not allow your child any more contact with D or her mother. If D's mother wishes to speak with her, your child should come directly home to you no matter what.

 

And do not let D or her mother manipulate you or your dd into not having a full, happy friendship with the other child. There is NOTHING wrong with getting together with another child without D.

[Impish]

:iagree:

 

I would also make it clear to D's mom that if she has a problem in future, to communicate directly with YOU rather than with the kids. Be as calm and sweet as possible about it. Do not give long explanations. Just repeat one or two simple statements, and walk away.

 

Do not allow your child any more contact with D or her mother. If D's mother wishes to speak with her, your child should come directly home to you no matter what.

 

And do not let D or her mother manipulate you or your dd into not having a full, happy friendship with the other child. There is NOTHING wrong with getting together with another child without D.

:iagree:

[SKL]

There is already too much drama just in this thread. I'd be saying something along the lines of: D's home is toxic. Treat it like a patch of poison ivy. If you go there, don't expect to come out of it happy. Respect yourself and make positive, proactive choices. If you can't make peace, leave. Either way, own your choices and their consequences.

 

I don't agree with parents getting so involved in kids' drama. I'm saying this about both D's and T's moms. Give brief, wise advice and let them apply it as best they can. If they can't make peace, they can come home and try again another day. Or not.

 

That said, I would tell T that D's mom spoke inappropriately - just so she knows a kid doesn't deserve to be spoken to that way by someone else's parent. I would not go much further than that.

[Lisa R.]

I'd also take a step back from the whole situation and realize that if a nine year old needs hours and hours of counseling from her mom on how to negotiate the drama in her friendship, that it's not a healthy friendship.

 

It is very convenient to have neighborhood friends, but if these friends aren't healthy or compatible friends for dd, then she has to find friends elsewhere.

 

I think the first warning signs were there long before this blow up. It was the incompatibility and the pattern of unkindness in these relationships that should have cooled things off long before now. I don't agree with the opinion that "this is just something girls go through." The OP hasn't stated this opinion, but some women do feel that girls and drama go together.

 

If my dd would not acting appropriately around her friends, I would require that she stay away from them. I can't control other people's kids.

 

Also, OP knew that her dd's friend's mother was also into high drama. Stay away from people like this! I don't understand why her dh is planning on talking to this mom about the incident. Talking rationally to an irrational person is unprofitable.

[Ellie]

My first reaction: :blink:

 

Then this: :cursing:

 

But also this :grouphug:

[GingerPoppy]

I've heard people say "rip you up one side and down the other" to mean ranting at someone, but not "strip". Or "rip them apart". Primarily have heard this in the southern part of the U.S.

 

Another Canadian jumping in here--"tore a strip off" is just yelling at someone in an intense way... letting them "have it". I think it was the "literally" that threw some people off. :tongue_smilie:

[KnitWit]

I really hate this kind of drama. I am one of those people who feel that once you get beyond having to intervene between toddlers who want to konk each other on the head with hard objects, parents REALLY don't need to be getting involved in stuff like this and frankly, *I* would not appreciate another parent *counseling* my kid. I would expect my kid to be sent home to me if the conflict had escalated to the point where they weren't working it out.

 

In hindsight, maybe you should have stuck to counseling your *own* daughter, privately, on how to deal with the situation and given her tools to work it out or walk away. That would be my advice to you now. But I WOULD tell my dd, at age 9, that she is NOT allowed on the property of D's family *at all* because the mother sounds like she cannot control herself.

 

Things never end well when the mommies get involved. I think parents tend to up the ante, so to speak.

 

In addition to quietly counseling my daughter in going forward from here, I might also encourage her to find some more friends...completely DIFFERENT friends, and leave P and D to each other.

Edited June 16, 2012 by MSPolly
wrong kid! LOL!

[swellmomma]

I would not be as rational as you were when my kid got home. I have had that confrontation with other adults that thought it was okay to "speak" to my kids in such a way. I would have gone right over to D's house and tore one into her mom.

 

D's family would be banned from my kids, all of them. If D joined in a game my kids would be told to leave and do something else. I would not even encourage friendliness, I would encourage shutting them out completely. We dealt with nutso neighbor before so I have had that arguement with a parent, and I have had my kids pretend those kids did not even exist. We started the civil route in the beginning, being polite, still a smile etc. Those kids would run home and tell their mom my kids made faces at them, and she would come out yelling. So I banned even smiling at them. There is a reason that up and down the block we called her "screamer" instead of her real name.

 

Anyway, I think you did great keeping your cool. I would speak to P's mom and see how P is holding up, and make it clear that your dd does not want P to chose sides, and you don't want P to worry about that. I say to bring that up simply because I can see D's mom talking to her to try and manipulate and claim your dd is forcing sides etc.

 

Preteen/teen girl drama, it sucks enough when you don't have parents jumping in and making it worse.

[swellmomma]

Another Canadian jumping in here--"tore a strip off" is just yelling at someone in an intense way... letting them "have it". I think it was the "literally" that threw some people off. :tongue_smilie:

 

:iagree: I never thought of that phrase being Canadian before. Yup, she did not literally tear a strip of the girls, but she screamed/yelled/ranted/ raved. If your dd is not particulary sensitive and was crying that hard I would imagine it was the red in the face, spittle flying, cuss filled rant of a lunatic.

[4kids4me]

Thanks for all the replies, helpful advice and opinions. It's lovely to hear from you all!

 

(I especially liked the cultural education I received - - "rip" someone is not something I've heard!)

 

Dh isn't going to speak to the mom - - we both know that you cannot talk rationally to an irrational person. He was going to speak to the dad to make it clear that this incident cannot happen again without police getting involved. I can take a lot, but I'm not putting up with that.

 

I agree I should have only counseled my own dd. I knew it would not end well a long time ago when my eldest and D's eldest sister's relationship ended badly in a similar way. Having said that, D and her twin brother play with my two youngest and all 9 kids on the street (from four families) play with one another, so my intent (at D's mom's request) was to help the girls get along, much like siblings. I knew, deep down, that D's mom would not have my back when nothing was resolved. Do I regret it? No. I was kind, I did the right thing, I tried to encourage dd to turn the other cheek and work it out as best as possible. I was patient. Doing the right then, even knowing it would end up in my face, was still the right thing. I can walk away from this knowing I really did try my best.

 

Does it tick me off? Of course!!!! LOL

 

This really changes the dynamic on the street. Or perhaps I should say it cements what was going to happen anyway. It's sad. It happens. But I can't bury my head in the sand and pretend it didn't happen.

 

Thanks to all. I really appreciate you guys!

[4kids4me]

:iagree: I never thought of that phrase being Canadian before. Yup, she did not literally tear a strip of the girls, but she screamed/yelled/ranted/ raved. If your dd is not particulary sensitive and was crying that hard I would imagine it was the red in the face, spittle flying, cuss filled rant of a lunatic.

 

I didn't know it was a Canadian phrase either! So yes, when I say LITERALLY tore a strip off her, it's actually not literal is it? ;)

 

And yes, if dd's friend was scared and has never been yelled at like that before, I'd say it was above a tongue-lashing one would give their child.

[4kids4me]

I would not be as rational as you were when my kid got home. I have had that confrontation with other adults that thought it was okay to "speak" to my kids in such a way. I would have gone right over to D's house and tore one into her mom.

 

D's family would be banned from my kids, all of them. If D joined in a game my kids would be told to leave and do something else. I would not even encourage friendliness, I would encourage shutting them out completely. We dealt with nutso neighbor before so I have had that arguement with a parent, and I have had my kids pretend those kids did not even exist. We started the civil route in the beginning, being polite, still a smile etc. Those kids would run home and tell their mom my kids made faces at them, and she would come out yelling. So I banned even smiling at them. There is a reason that up and down the block we called her "screamer" instead of her real name.

 

Anyway, I think you did great keeping your cool. I would speak to P's mom and see how P is holding up, and make it clear that your dd does not want P to chose sides, and you don't want P to worry about that. I say to bring that up simply because I can see D's mom talking to her to try and manipulate and claim your dd is forcing sides etc.

 

Preteen/teen girl drama, it sucks enough when you don't have parents jumping in and making it worse.

 

Oh it was all I could do from going over there and letting the expletives fly...believe me!!! I was so hopping mad I should have gone for a run or something to release the adrenalin!!!

 

In the end I'm glad I didn't.

 

I actually talked to P's mom a few days before this explaining that I've told T to walk away from the other two when there's a fight as she cannot handle it and that in no way does it reflect how T feels about P. P can choose what she wants to do. I felt this was a fair way of handling it. I was then told that D's mom told her if there's a fight to "take the non-fighter and walk away from the one that's fighting with her." lol, sheesh!

[kalanamak]

Your daughter deserves to see that friendship, while it has its ups and downs, does not require hours and hours of parent supervised discussion.

 

To me, you've already stepped in it, and I'd step out, wipe the manure off your shoe and move ahead. The only thing I, personally, would say to my daughter is something like "consider the source, now let's make bean dip" or "can't make silk from a sow's ear, let's make bean dip" and not spend another second of life fussing with this.

 

This family is not going to change. I wouldn't even speak to them about it. And, living well is the best revenge anyway.

 

:grouphug: May your blood pressure lower today.

[Remudamom]

In this situation I'd rip the mom a new one. Maybe two new ones. Then cut them off.

[justLisa]

In this situation I'd rip the mom a new one. Maybe two new ones. Then cut them off.

 

I cannot imagine being passive and not confronting that mother. If anyone EVER yelled at my one of my children, I would confront immediately. If it was bad enough, as in screaming/my kids crying hysterically I might even threaten to call police for endangering my child. That woman is just crazy.

[4kids4me]

To me, you've already stepped in it, and I'd step out, wipe the manure off your shoe and move ahead. The only thing I, personally, would say to my daughter is something like "consider the source, now let's make bean dip" or "can't make silk from a sow's ear, let's make bean dip" and not spend another second of life fussing with this.

 

This family is not going to change. I wouldn't even speak to them about it. And, living well is the best revenge anyway.

 

:grouphug: May your blood pressure lower today.

 

LOL, I always learn new words and phrases from you, kalanamak! :) Thanks!

[4kids4me]

In this situation I'd rip the mom a new one. Maybe two new ones. Then cut them off.

 

Remudamom and 425LisaMarie....yes, it took a lot of self-control to hold me back. Maybe God sent a legion of angels to do just that cause I was gonna do some damage over there!!!! I'd put a swearing trucker to shame.

 

I talked to P's mom this morning...the girls are going to leave D alone. DH went and asked to speak to D's dad but D said (with a smirk), "He's busy right now." DH asked him to come talk to him when he wasn't so busy.

 

If I were a gambling woman, I'd say he won't be showing up here anytime soon.

 

I appreciate EVERYONE!!!!!! :grouphug:

[Greta]

Well last night D's mom had D call both girls over (and my dd's friend from church came) and literally tore a strip off both girls. My dd was bawling, so much so that her face was all splotchy. D is truly a manipulative girl (there's more to the story, but it'll get too long!), and we've already experienced this with her older sister and my eldest dd (not an extrovert and not a fighter). T's friend said, "I was SO scared. I've never been yelled at that hard in my life, even when I cut my friend's hair when I was 5."

 

Bottom line, this mom cornered the girls and used her authority to be excessively cruel. Never have I spoken to ANY child on the street this way!!!! To have my dd bawling and she's continuing to yell and go on and on...I am LIVID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I'm trying to understand better how and where this took place. Did she take the girls into her home or onto her property? Did your daughter try to leave and she wouldn't let her?

[4kids4me]

I'm trying to understand better how and where this took place. Did she take the girls into her home or onto her property? Did your daughter try to leave and she wouldn't let her?

 

She had her dd call the two girls over (and my dd's visiting guest came, too). They were on her property. DD told me she didn't want to leave and get in more trouble from D's mom, so I believe that this adult used her authority over the girls to keep them there, even if she didn't utter the words. In addition, since my daughter came home with a red, splotchy face, which happens after a few minutes of intense crying, I am upset that D's mom continued to rage while my dd was obviously upset.

 

I also had to call my dd's guest's mom to inform her of her scare and apologize that she went through that.

[Greta]

She had her dd call the two girls over (and my dd's visiting guest came, too). They were on her property. DD told me she didn't want to leave and get in more trouble from D's mom, so I believe that this adult used her authority over the girls to keep them there, even if she didn't utter the words. In addition, since my daughter came home with a red, splotchy face, which happens after a few minutes of intense crying, I am upset that D's mom continued to rage while my dd was obviously upset.

 

I also had to call my dd's guest's mom to inform her of her scare and apologize that she went through that.

 

Yes, I agree. I don't know if most kids would realize that they could leave in a situation like that. I was curious because if your daughter did ask to leave or tried to leave and the mom wouldn't let her, then she's crossed a line into criminal behavior, and that would affect how I would approach the situation. I'm not sure how to advise you, except to say that cutting off all contact with this family would be the very least that I would do. :grouphug: I am so sorry that this happened. I can imagine how deeply hurt my daughter would be by something like that.

[4kids4me]

Yes, I agree. I don't know if most kids would realize that they could leave in a situation like that. I was curious because if your daughter did ask to leave or tried to leave and the mom wouldn't let her, then she's crossed a line into criminal behavior, and that would affect how I would approach the situation. I'm not sure how to advise you, except to say that cutting off all contact with this family would be the very least that I would do. :grouphug: I am so sorry that this happened. I can imagine how deeply hurt my daughter would be by something like that.

 

Thanks. Yes dd was hurt and both girls were horrified. But honestly, all three girls DID do wrong in the situation, it's just that D has taken it to another level, and D's mom, well....a whole level above that! So my dd isn't sweet as pie innocent victim within the three of them. But did she deserve a tongue-lashing without me present to speak up for her? No!!!!

[Greta]

But did she deserve a tongue-lashing without me present to speak up for her? No!!!!

 

Exactly!

[Dustybug]

:iagree:

 

I would also make it clear to D's mom that if she has a problem in future, to communicate directly with YOU rather than with the kids. Be as calm and sweet as possible about it. Do not give long explanations. Just repeat one or two simple statements, and walk away.

 

Do not allow your child any more contact with D or her mother. If D's mother wishes to speak with her, your child should come directly home to you no matter what.

 

And do not let D or her mother manipulate you or your dd into not having a full, happy friendship with the other child. There is NOTHING wrong with getting together with another child without D.

 

I cannot imagine being passive and not confronting that mother. If anyone EVER yelled at my one of my children, I would confront immediately. If it was bad enough, as in screaming/my kids crying hysterically I might even threaten to call police for endangering my child. That woman is just crazy.

 

:iagree:While I would be spitting mad if someone spoke to my children that way, WHEN not IF I confronted them about it, I would absolutely be calm but very firm and let them know that they would NOT be treating my children like that. If there is a problem, contact me and I will take care of it. This is more than just typical kid bickering where an adult stepped in to scold them all. She purposely pulled the children aside when there were no other parents around to try to scare them into doing what she wants them to do. No adult has the right to reprimand a child that is not theirs in this manner.

[4kids4me]

:iagree:While I would be spitting mad if someone spoke to my children that way, WHEN not IF I confronted them about it, I would absolutely be calm but very firm and let them know that they would NOT be treating my children like that. If there is a problem, contact me and I will take care of it. This is more than just typical kid bickering where an adult stepped in to scold them all. She purposely pulled the children aside when there were no other parents around to try to scare them into doing what she wants them to do. No adult has the right to reprimand a child that is not theirs in this manner.

 

Absolutely!!!! :iagree:

[KnitWit]

The only point I would make about confronting the mom is that people who are *hotheads* and go off on kids usually thrive on the drama. I would not do anything to feed that. I would quietly deal with my OWN child and tell her under NO circumstances is she to go over there. If the mom approaches her, I would tell her to the tell mom to call me. If ANOTHER confrontation occurs, I would step between the mom and my child at that point and tell her to cease and desist ...and I would say it very calmly and sweetly. If she didn't stop, I would call the cops on her for harassing my kid.

[Soror]

I'm torn on this. I think my instinct would be to fight back and give her the what for, but I don't think it would accomplish anything good and instead just feed the craziness. I would not allow the child around or my child to visit their house.

[CalicoKat]

How would you react if someone had been cruel to your child? I get that this kind of thing happens. It just seems to be quite over the top and I'm shocked.

 

Something like this happened to me this a.m. My father is pre-alzheimerish and says some of the most _____ things. But lately he's started goading my boys by saying things he knows will get a huge reaction.

 

"Alrighty then, I guess I need to be going." And we politely left with our snacks in hand and left behind half full coffee cups.

 

There's nothing to say in the moment. Just walk away. And then you can see what happens, forgiveness & reconciliation or not.

[cin]

In this situation I'd rip the mom a new one. Maybe two new ones. Then cut them off.

 

that's the phrase that I've always heard. If someone got 'ripped a new one' it refer to that place where the sun doesn't shine :D

[3peasinWa]

How would I react?

Tell the mom the way she spoke to my dd & her friend is completely unacceptable & her dd is not allowed to play with mine for the time being.

[4kids4me]

Still loving and appreciating the replies...for the most part you're all unanimous. Not one person has said to turn the other cheek...let it slide...tomorrow's a new day.

[babysparkler]

How would I react?

Tell the mom the way she spoke to my dd & her friend is completely unacceptable & her dd is not allowed to play with mine for the time being.

:iagree:

[bpskowski]

Sorry, I haven't read any of the replies but ... I had a very similiar experience when I was about 8-9 years old. I was one of 3 girls (friends) on the street with one being very manipulative and bossy. But in our case I was on the phone with the girl trying explain that I had already promised the other girl to do something but she was welcomed to join us. Then all of a sudden the girl's mother (from another line) ripped into me like nothing else. I remember to this day how hard I was crying - I was that scared. But I didn't need any external response from my mother (except for some hugs and consolation). Everything came crashing into place how manipulative that girl had been and where she learned her ways. I chose never to have any dealings with that family again.

 

What does your daughter think of situation? What does she want to do?

[Barb_]

But I didn't need any external response from my mother (except for some hugs and consolation). Everything came crashing into place how manipulative that girl had been and where she learned her ways. I chose never to have any dealings with that family again.

 

What does your daughter think of situation? What does she want to do?

 

One of my kids had a similar experience with a spoiled kid and his crazy mom. Even though his brother was fine and played well with mine and the rest of the neighbor kids, together we decided the drama wasn't worth it and severed ties with this family. The other two families' kids were welcome to play on our street, but our kids were no longer allowed to hang out on that street. I think boundaries are an important lesson to learn at an early age. Toxic people shouldn't be allowed to manipulate us.

[Elizabeth in MN]

Well, I'll pay devils advocate here.

 

If I believed that my daughter was being bullied by two neighbor girls, had talked repeatedly to the parents of said girls and there was no behavior change then yes, I would step in and let the girls know that behavior was horrible. Yes, I might reduce them to tears IF I had tried to talk to them before and they had thrown me attitude. This Mama Bear is hella over-protective.

 

IMO, OP, your behavior was not great. You kept talking to the other two girls and telling them to walk away rather than resolve conflict. OP, from what you have said it could look like you were teaching the two girls to bully the third. You weren't, but it could look like that. In any event your approach was not working and something had to change. It has now, for better or worse, and now you all have new paths to travel.

[4kids4me]

Well, I'll pay devils advocate here.

 

If I believed that my daughter was being bullied by two neighbor girls, had talked repeatedly to the parents of said girls and there was no behavior change then yes, I would step in and let the girls know that behavior was horrible. Yes, I might reduce them to tears IF I had tried to talk to them before and they had thrown me attitude. This Mama Bear is hella over-protective.

 

IMO, OP, your behavior was not great. You kept talking to the other two girls and telling them to walk away rather than resolve conflict. OP, from what you have said it could look like you were teaching the two girls to bully the third. You weren't, but it could look like that. In any event your approach was not working and something had to change. It has now, for better or worse, and now you all have new paths to travel.

 

Um, I didn't say that I told the two girl to walk away, actually. After a few months of talking to all of them, allowing them all an opportunity to speak their mind, etc, it was apparent that D wasn't allowing T to walk away when she needed to. She would continue to chatter at her and escalate the situation, in which case dd was to walk away.

 

Case in point...

 

D took a week break from dd (fair enough!). The day she decides to come back to play dd was playing tag with the boys on the street. D calls on P and then tells T she wants her to stop playing tag and play with them. T says no, she's playing tag. D continues to say that T should play with them. T tries to walk away and continue the game she's playing. D grabs T to stop her and tells her she hasn't played with her in a week and wants to play with her. At this point I happened to be racing out of the house to get somewhere quickly. I see all three girls are fighting. I stop my van and call dd over. What's wrong? She quickly explains she was playing tag and wants to continue but D keeps grabbing her (something she's continually characterized by and has been asked to stop) and telling her she wants to play. I tell T that you've told her no, walk away and continue playing with the boys. D comes over to the van and says, "But I haven't played with T for a week and I want to play with her now." I tell D that T has already told her that she wants to play tag and to let her go.

 

This is a very typical problem. If D wanted to play with T so badly, you know what? She could have played tag. In talking to P's mom this week we both have noticed that D tries to control both girls, wants her own way in choosing what they're playing, and snips at them with comments when she doesn't get her own way like, "Did you wake up grumpy today?" or "My teacher would say you're bullying me."

 

Bottom line, she's the bully. Do the other two add to the situation? Yup. But you know what, they're not doormats and bravo to them for sticking up for themselves.

 

This is not a surprise, though. The same thing has happened with her older dd and my older dd. Her dd bullied a child on the street and it got back to her and we talked about what happened. Her dd came up with a fabricated story of what happened that completely didn't match what my dd and the bullied kid's story was. Apparently my kid was the liar. She only had the friendship to lose and gained nothing but heartbreak by telling the truth.

 

Nope...one can't talk rationally to someone irrational.