4kids4me Posted June 17, 2012 Author Share Posted June 17, 2012 Sorry, I haven't read any of the replies but ... I had a very similiar experience when I was about 8-9 years old. I was one of 3 girls (friends) on the street with one being very manipulative and bossy. But in our case I was on the phone with the girl trying explain that I had already promised the other girl to do something but she was welcomed to join us. Then all of a sudden the girl's mother (from another line) ripped into me like nothing else. I remember to this day how hard I was crying - I was that scared. But I didn't need any external response from my mother (except for some hugs and consolation). Everything came crashing into place how manipulative that girl had been and where she learned her ways. I chose never to have any dealings with that family again. What does your daughter think of situation? What does she want to do? Oh what a nasty thing that mom did to you! A few days before dd and I had talked about not calling on D but if she came out to play to include her. She had decided she didn't want to continue fighting and it wasn't worth calling on her. So if P was available to play or if P played with her she would. If P and D were playing she'd just leave them alone. Yesterday P and T were together sitting on the curb and D came out and started playing basketball in her driveway. She then turned around and snipped, "What? Aren't you two going to say hi?" They must have said hi because they were together a few minutes later when I came out and called dd to go pick up her friend. She had only been with P for 10 min so the three were together less than that. When I came home with dd and houseguest they went out to play. T said they passed D and her mom and T did ask if D would like to join them (I'm not sure why she chose to do that. Perhaps it had to do with that previous conversation). They both ignored her and went inside. Then P came out to play again. A few minutes later D called P and T over to her home and then her mom came out and ripped into them, asking T why she gets all the friends on the street and why wasn't she calling on D. T said she didn't want to answer why she wasn't calling on D because she didn't want to be mean and then she was accused of keeping secrets. (Apparently she said all of us in our family keep secrets. Not sure what that means.) Blah, blah, blah. So our kids have been told not to go down to their home, not to pass it, not to look at it, not to provoke in any way. They're not to talk to the parents at all but walk away. T won't be playing with D. My younger son can play with D's twin if he comes out but he's not to call on him or play at their property. Same with my older son. Dh went to speak to the father today, and D went to get him, but came back and with a smirk said, "He's busy and can't come to the door." Dh asked her to have her father come over when he wasn't busy. He didn't bother to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
4kids4me Posted June 17, 2012 Author Share Posted June 17, 2012 Sometimes I wish the board were set up like FaceBook so I could LIKE all of your posts to at least acknowledge that I've read them all and have taken everything into consideration! Thanks. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Juniper Posted June 17, 2012 Share Posted June 17, 2012 Sometimes I wish the board were set up like FaceBook so I could LIKE all of your posts to at least acknowledge that I've read them all and have taken everything into consideration! Thanks. :) Another forum I am on, that is set up just like this one, just added that feature. It is nice and actually helps with communication. I think it makes the threads shorter as well, because people can like something wthout copying and pasting :iagree:. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kirch Posted June 17, 2012 Share Posted June 17, 2012 I haven't finished the whole thread yet, but one thing I would do is make sure your dd knows that she can walk away from someone who is screaming at her, even an adult--she doesn't have to stay and listen to that.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted June 17, 2012 Share Posted June 17, 2012 Do I call the police? Thing is, she wants to be a "special constable" (a step down from a police officer...they haul prisoners to and from the court to jail)...and if I call the police it could get back to recruitment. I'm livid, and could fight fire with fire, but I want to be above that and react in a way that shows that I'm not retaliating at her level. and her not being able to be a special constable when she has railed at other people's children is a problem why? frankly, she is too emotionally unstable to be employed in such a position. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted June 17, 2012 Share Posted June 17, 2012 Sometimes I wish the board were set up like FaceBook so I could LIKE all of your posts to at least acknowledge that I've read them all and have taken everything into consideration! Thanks. :) there is a feature on boards using similar software as twtm to run them that has the "like" feature. It seems to have been turned off here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
4kids4me Posted June 17, 2012 Author Share Posted June 17, 2012 and her not being able to be a special constable when she has railed at other people's children is a problem why? frankly, she is too emotionally unstable to be employed in such a position. {sigh} I have tried to be kind in my life, giving other people the benefit of the doubt, and when I get upset, it can, at times, be dramatically so. To cut the girl and her mom out of anything that happens on the street does make me sad. Of course, she raged at the kids, and that was absolutely unacceptable. For me to call her recruitment officer (if I can even get through to them) seems just as manipulative and cruel. At the same time, I don't think she uses good judgement at all. :( I just don't want it to be tit for tat (ok, THAT's a figure of speech here in Canada...maybe it's not everywhere!). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ma23peas Posted June 17, 2012 Share Posted June 17, 2012 Everyone needs to get off their high horse and eat some crow. None of the girls behaved kindly, each looking out for their own desires...the same for the moms...I do believe in letting the girls work it out..but as a parent reinforcing the best way to behave instead of talking up what they did wrong. Apologies should be flying across the table instead of accusations and ruffled feathers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KnitWit Posted June 17, 2012 Share Posted June 17, 2012 Everyone needs to get off their high horse and eat some crow. None of the girls behaved kindly, each looking out for their own desires...the same for the moms...I do believe in letting the girls work it out..but as a parent reinforcing the best way to behave instead of talking up what they did wrong. Apologies should be flying across the table instead of accusations and ruffled feathers. I think the OP has been pretty straightforward that her dd is not innocent and she has admitted her own issues in dealing with these people. I do not see her as on a *high horse*. It may not have come out in the first post, but if you read her responses to people, she is not coming across as thinking she and her dd have been perfectly right. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dobela Posted June 17, 2012 Share Posted June 17, 2012 {sigh} I have tried to be kind in my life, giving other people the benefit of the doubt, and when I get upset, it can, at times, be dramatically so. To cut the girl and her mom out of anything that happens on the street does make me sad. Of course, she raged at the kids, and that was absolutely unacceptable. For me to call her recruitment officer (if I can even get through to them) seems just as manipulative and cruel. At the same time, I don't think she uses good judgement at all. :( I just don't want it to be tit for tat (ok, THAT's a figure of speech here in Canada...maybe it's not everywhere!). Her way of doing things will come out on the job. No doubt about it. I would just give it time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
4kids4me Posted June 17, 2012 Author Share Posted June 17, 2012 I think the OP has been pretty straightforward that her dd is not innocent and she has admitted her own issues in dealing with these people. I do not see her as on a *high horse*. It may not have come out in the first post, but if you read her responses to people, she is not coming across as thinking she and her dd have been perfectly right. :) Thanks for this. Just today I was cycling with a friend and crying about it. I can't see how to rationalize with the mom but it horrifies me that the daughter is going to be hurt because of her parents' parenting. The whole situation makes me sad, and if it were any other neighbour there would be a way to talk to them about it. Not this one. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
4kids4me Posted June 17, 2012 Author Share Posted June 17, 2012 Her way of doing things will come out on the job. No doubt about it. I would just give it time. Ok, that makes me feel better. I really didn't like the thought of asking to be removed as a reference and redacting what I originally said. I don't want to be vindictive, but her judgement is really skewed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ma23peas Posted June 17, 2012 Share Posted June 17, 2012 I think the OP has been pretty straightforward that her dd is not innocent and she has admitted her own issues in dealing with these people. I do not see her as on a *high horse*. It may not have come out in the first post, but if you read her responses to people, she is not coming across as thinking she and her dd have been perfectly right. :) I find it very hard in circumstances like these to get a fair view...I was not at all singling out the OP...these incidents are not fun! What I see are three girls and two moms in conflict...a lot of hurt feelings, a lot of who's right, who's wrong, more justifying actions/reactions that I see of apologies and considerations. I just feel if there had been more of that from the beginning, this all could have been averted. I fully believe the OP's heart is in the right place, but instead of pointing out what all the girls did wrong..why not point out what any of them did right and make them own up and apologize to each girl...show a token of the olive branch...not associating with one another b/c you can't get along does not seem to be helping anyone in the long run..but if you want no association with her, then it may be the best choice. I just know when my own children fail to communicate with each other, healing starts with apologies...just have heard no mention of these. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
4kids4me Posted June 17, 2012 Author Share Posted June 17, 2012 I find it very hard in circumstances like these to get a fair view...I was not at all singling out the OP...these incidents are not fun! What I see are three girls and two moms in conflict...a lot of hurt feelings, a lot of who's right, who's wrong, more justifying actions/reactions that I see of apologies and considerations. I just feel if there had been more of that from the beginning, this all could have been averted. I fully believe the OP's heart is in the right place, but instead of pointing out what all the girls did wrong..why not point out what any of them did right and make them own up and apologize to each girl...show a token of the olive branch...not associating with one another b/c you can't get along does not seem to be helping anyone in the long run..but if you want no association with her, then it may be the best choice. I just know when my own children fail to communicate with each other, healing starts with apologies...just have heard no mention of these. Interesting you say this. Earlier this week dd made pictures for both girls and wrote their strengths on them. For D she wrote things like: D is artistic, creative, interesting, etc. The olive branch has been extended many times and reciprocated none. I regret none of my actions as I have been kind, patient and generous with the family. D has been in my home dozens and dozens of times. I've fed her, I've helped her when she's hurt, I've hosted sleepovers, I've had neighborhood children's parties. Dd has been in D'a home less than half a dozen times and is glad to not be asked because the mom yells at her children infront of dd and she feels neither safe nor comfortable. The mom is insecure and is creating for her child what she fears - a replication of her own childhood experience. Since I'm the only mom home in the neighbourhood she's asked me to talk to the girls if they need help. I've bent over backwards for the kids and I regret nothing because I've done the right thing. Though I'm deeply grieved by the situation, I think I'll stay on my "high horse" if that means i'm prideful. **** right I'm on my high horse. My dd, her guest, and P do not deserve to be the recipient of an adult's rage. No one...NO ONE...will abuse my child in such a way and get an apology from me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted June 18, 2012 Share Posted June 18, 2012 Even though the thread is long gone I just wanted to say that I think the OP showed a lot of wisdom, both in not yelling back at the neighbor, and in not allowing herself to be sucked into continuing to interact with this person. I do feel horrible for the prisoners this woman will escort. She clearly is incapable of seeing things from another person's point of view, and yes, when she really hurts someone she will lose her job. But people will have to suffer for it to happen. A shame all around. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dustybug Posted June 18, 2012 Share Posted June 18, 2012 and her not being able to be a special constable when she has railed at other people's children is a problem why? frankly, she is too emotionally unstable to be employed in such a position. I think the OP has been pretty straightforward that her dd is not innocent and she has admitted her own issues in dealing with these people. I do not see her as on a *high horse*. It may not have come out in the first post, but if you read her responses to people, she is not coming across as thinking she and her dd have been perfectly right. :) :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
4kids4me Posted June 18, 2012 Author Share Posted June 18, 2012 Thanks so much for all the support and wise words. Dh still hasn't talked to the husband as (I mentioned) he was "too busy" to come to the door and hasn't returned the visit. I appreciate you all! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RegularMom Posted June 18, 2012 Share Posted June 18, 2012 We had a similar problem here recently. Long story short: if my kid does something you feel isn't nice, then just send her home to ME. It's not okay for another person to yell at my child until she cries. NOT EVER. She can send her teenage daughter to my door in an attempt to smooth it over; she can show up with her husband in another attempt to smooth it over. It won't change the fact that she clearly has major coping issues, parenting issues, and personal issues that I don't need to be involved in. We no longer play with that family. The two younger kids often come to my fence and ask if they can come into our yard, and I just say no. Their mother has apologized, but she has also gone up the street to another house to yell at a girl who lives there for some reason or other. The woman clearly has problems, and clearly parents DIFFERENTLY than I do. It's better to just make a clean break of it now. It's a bummer, yeah. But I will no longer engage with CRAZY. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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