Poll: How submissive are you?

[mamakimberly]

I had a discussion that led me to wondering how submissive the MAJORITY of homeschooling families are in their marriages.

 

I know there will be both ends of the spectrum. My personal belief was that the majority of the homeschooling families are somewhere in the middle (equal voices from man/woman) and there are chunks on the extreme end of submission, but that this is not the norm of the homeschool world.

 

The other person I was discussing this with felt that 90+% of hs families are very patriarchal and that egalitarian marriages are the minority.

 

Please answer as fits. The answers should be read like a sliding scale from 5 to 1.

Edited May 29, 2012 by mamakimberly

[Catwoman]

You forgot to post the poll! :D

 

Edited to add: I see it now! It must have been delayed for a few minutes. :)

Edited May 29, 2012 by Catwoman

[Catwoman]

The other person I was discussing this with felt that 90+% of hs families are very patriarchal and that egalitarian marriages are the minority.

 

I think that's just another common misconception about homeschooling families. I don't have any facts or figures, but it would seem reasonable that we would run the gamut of every possible lifestyle option.

 

The only thing 90% of homeschoolers have in common is the Kilt Thing. ;)

[mamakimberly]

Sorry, took too long to word it in the poll!

[melissel]

You forgot to post the poll! :D

 

I bet she's still working on it. Here's my reply:

 

:lol:

 

And here are my DH's thoughts on my submissiveness:

 

:smilielol5:

 

 

 

:tongue_smilie:

 

ETA: Saw it and replied. I'd say we're egalitarian. We both submit to each other as needed. So far we haven't come up against anything we couldn't reach an agreement on.

[Catwoman]

Sorry, took too long to word it in the poll!

 

I was wondering how you were going to phrase the different options -- I think you did a great job!

[pbb119]

I'm sorry, I had to put other!

 

In the case of the kids and how the house runs, he totally submits to me. In finances and other major decisions, I usually submit to him.

[Dandelion]

We're equal partners. I defer to him at times, when it's something he cares about more than I do - and he does the same for me.

[Miss Marple]

Can't answer this because one would need to define "submission". I find that my definition of "submission" tends to differ greatly from many of the homeschoolers we know.

[Harriet Vane]

I heartily recommend Finally Feminist, by Stackhouse. SWB reviewed it positively as well. Really well explained biblical perspective on gender and equality.

[AimeeM]

In attitude or intent? Lol.

 

It is my intent to be submissive. I do very much believe my husband is the head of our home and I do leave final decisions to him *if* we are unable to compromise on something, or the rare occasion he sincerely puts his foot down about something and I disagree.

Now, my attitude, well... sometimes my mouth disagrees with my intent :D.

 

When I asked my husband how submissive I am he looked confused. Until a year or so ago I had never used the term. We simply view our marriage as very traditional; emulating the relationship his parents had and their parents before them, my parents and grandparents, etc. Never before internet forums did I know there were "submissive" and "dominant" labels to marriage. He *knows* what submissive means; but, like me, had never presumed to use the label. He snickers at the question and remarks that he wouldn't mind if I agreed with him more - although he does realize I relinquish "final say" if we strongly disagree on something.

 

For what it's worth, on other forums, most assume that in a marriage such as my own, the husband and wife are uneducated and... back woods? Completely false in our situation. My husband is the son of Italian immigrants, he has three degrees (two Bachelors, one Masters) and is a scientist by education and (relative) career. I have some college experience and plan to continue when my children are older and have gained a bit more independence. Our marriage being traditional is simply something we live because we were raised in the same; not because we believe it is superior. It worked very well in 95% of the homes we saw it "practiced" (my parents are the only set who have divorced out of many generations on either side). Why fix what isn't broke? :tongue_smilie:

[momto2Cs]

The only thing 90% of homeschoolers have in common is the Kilt Thing. ;)

 

:lol:

[meggie]

if my husband ever asked me to submit to him, I'd be asking him for a thorough and detailed account of how exactly he was submitting himself to Christ for me to consider it. As it is, he has never tried asking me to. Whenever we dont agree on something we compromise somehow

[LillyMama]

Can't answer this because one would need to define "submission". I find that my definition of "submission" tends to differ greatly from many of the homeschoolers we know.

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

When I was of dating age, I used to say I was looking for a man worth submitting to. For me, that man had to be someone I'd look to be my spiritual leader, but respect the gifts God has given me. Some of those are, well, bossy gifts. ;) I do think I'm quite submissive but my husband does not always agree.

 

I think by worldly standards, just the fact that women stay home and don't work outside of the home is seen as submissive. In some circles, at least. This is whether the women homeschool or not.

[BigMamaBird]

We are equals. There are things he's better at where he takes the lead and then there are things that I'm better at where I step up. Neither of us rules the roost. We actually left the church I grew up in because they were becoming increasingly patriarchal. That's just not for us.

[saraha]

I voted patriarchal, because in the end we go with my husbands decision. He doesn't make every little decision in our lives, and he always takes what I have to say into consideration. More often then not, he will say whatever I think is best and I move accordingly, but in big things, we talk it over, lay out our stances, then go with what he decides. Because we are so alike in our outlook and family goals, very rarely do we disagree on a course of action and there is no need to submit to his choices though. I just want people to understand that being submissive to your husband is not necessarily this controlling, biting my tongue, yes dear, do it- like it or not kind of life. We have a mutual respect and very often on the rare occassions that we do disagree, he will come around to my way of thinking. But in the end, yes if we don't agree, we go with what he wants.

[elegantlion]

if my husband ever asked me to submit to him, I'd be asking him for a thorough and detailed account of how exactly he was submitting himself to Christ for me to consider it. As it is, he has never tried asking me to. Whenever we dont agree on something we compromise somehow

 

:iagree:

 

We are equals, attempting to operate with equal respect for each other as human beings.

 

I come from a long line of assertive powerful women who respected their husbands and marriage but would not be called submissive.

[Pamela H in Texas]

I just don't fit....

 

I agree with true Biblical submission, not the mess that some ultra-conservative christians have made of it (IMO). However, for two reasons, I can't really vote that. First, I think that Biblical submission is much closer to equal (but respecting differences of gender, individual, etc) than most people understand. Second, I stink at it. LOL

[nono]

:D I'll admit it. I'm one of the folks who replied:

 

In between- My husband submits to me, but not in all things.

 

But that was our deal going in. I had more experience, and while only 1 year older, had handled a lot more responsibility over the years, so I was to take the lead. I told him, (see told!) that I didn't want to live my whole life that way, so he needed to grow and catch up. He has, and now we're heading towards the pendulum swinging the other direction. :)

 

P.S. I took your question to me in the Webster sense of the word, since you didn't post this as CC only or such.

[6packofun]

I'd like to think that my marriage is wholly submitted to Christ because that's what my dh and I think is most important.

 

We are equally forgiven and justified...we are equal heirs of grace and we both try to submit to Christ.

 

As a side note, dh takes full advantage of my position as his greatest helper in this life and many times my opinion, view, desires win out. Many times, I defer to him after much thought and prayer by both of us. All things considered, at an impasse I defer to him.

 

I don't know what label to give it because I'm more concerned about the first thing I said, even though our individual actions contribute to that submission to Christ. LOL I'd say that my submissiveness is appropriate, loving, and helpful in the context of our unique marriage of personalities. :) I don't think I can "measure" it.

 

I didn't answer the poll, btw.

Edited May 29, 2012 by 6packofun
add

[butterflymommy]

We are not very religious-- at least by religious homeschooling standards.

 

But it became painfully clear to me about 5-7 years into my marriage that unless one of us gave, our marriage was doomed. My husband definitely was not going to be the one to surrender so I made the conscious decision at that point to pick one or two hills to die on-- and acquiesce with/ submit to him on everything else. We started to get along a lot better at that point and I would say our marriage is pretty good at this point, especially considering some of the problems we've had.

 

But my motivations weren't particularly religious.

[swimmermom3]

:iagree:

 

We are equals, attempting to operate with equal respect for each other as human beings.

 

I come from a long line of assertive powerful women who respected their husbands and marriage but would not be called submissive.

 

 

Yes! For 23 years, we have created a home, raised children and weathered the storms through a whole lotta love, respect, cooperation, hard work, admiration, and patience - not through submission.

[MinivanMom]

We're equal partners. I defer to him at times, when it's something he cares about more than I do - and he does the same for me.

:iagree:

[nova147]

I voted egalitarian. We each have strengths and "submit" to the other person's expertise. Neither of us is particularly good at this, though!

[Puma Mom]

Other. I would and do submit completely to dh, but (a) I am always heard and honored and respected, (b) he defers to me WAY more than I defer to him, and © the issue of submitting would only come up if a decision had to be made and we were not in agreement. At that point, someone has to be the one to decide and take ownership of the decision and that's dh.

 

I don't see this as patriarchal, although I suppose some might. In a way, we're like a company with a president and vice-president. The president leaves most decisions of the day-to-day operations to the VP and only rarely pulls his 'president' card.

[mommymilkies]

I put 2. I don't like the submission idea, but my dh doesn't hardly ever veto my opinion on anything, and he usually doesn't give his own opinion that is different than mine. Not because he wants to submit, but because we're like minded. I would never "submit" to my husband like I've read about some people doing. Ick. I never vowed to do so and I would never agree to do so. Having bigger external genitalia doesn't make him my boss.

[Embassy]

I voted other. I don't view submission from that perspective. Both should act selflessly toward each other. If a husband loves his wife like Christ loves the church the wife would have no issues with doing what her husband wants because (in most cases) the husband acting selflessly would do what his wife wants.

[jillian]

Partially submissive. We discuss most things but if he makes I decision I abide by it. Not because of a biblical mandate but because that is how our relationship works

[regentrude]

Egalitarian here.

I can not think of any reason why one of us should have to submit to the other. It would not occur to me to accept his will as superior just because he is a man.

We achieve decisions through deliberation, discussion and compromise - not through making one's opinion worth more than the other's.

 

We do have a division of labor and each of us knows more in specific fields than the other. So, for little, day-to-day issues, I end up making more decisions regarding the kids and homeschooling and he makes more decisions regarding financial investments. We decide together about anything that is important.

[Unicorn.]

You left off: "Bwahahahaha..... I don't submit to anyone" so I voted other. :D

[Farrar]

I think I probably have a stronger personality, but we share household tasks and no one is submitting to anyone. We're equals.

[mytwomonkeys]

does my husband rule the roost or have the final say? no. absolutely no. do i run the show? absolutely not. my husband and i have the utmost love and respect for each other. we compromise out of our love for one another & nothing else. we do have roles in our marriage, and they do seem rather traditional i'm sure. but that's by choice. i have a college degree and choose to stay home & my husband loves it this way too. he works 60 hours and i love being a homemaker & wish i was ma ingalls - so, there ya have it. if it became a burden on one of us, we would figure it out together. we are a team. we are also mature enough to give in when something really matters to the other one. it's give and take here, ebb & flow.

[FaithManor]

I've never been asked to submit and we've never had a situation in which we couldn't come to a compromise that we both were comfortable with...we don't disagree much at all and our decisions are joint decisions.

 

So, I can't claim to be submissive since I've never had to be.

 

Faith

[jenL]

I voted patriarchal, because in the end we go with my husbands decision. He doesn't make every little decision in our lives, and he always takes what I have to say into consideration. More often then not, he will say whatever I think is best and I move accordingly, but in big things, we talk it over, lay out our stances, then go with what he decides. Because we are so alike in our outlook and family goals, very rarely do we disagree on a course of action and there is no need to submit to his choices though. I just want people to understand that being submissive to your husband is not necessarily this controlling, biting my tongue, yes dear, do it- like it or not kind of life. We have a mutual respect and very often on the rare occassions that we do disagree, he will come around to my way of thinking. But in the end, yes if we don't agree, we go with what he wants.

 

:iagree: I also want to add that there are many things that he has deemed "mine" for me to decide because he recognizes when they are my areas of strength and his weaknesses. A huge example is the boys' schooling. He will listen to whatever I say, give feedback if I ask, support me with whatever I need, but then it is ultimately up to me to determine their educational futures.

 

I'm not a doormat by any means, but he is the spiritual head of our house, and he is also the breadwinner. I am respectful of these major roles. We discuss everything, but his decision is what is final (this usually means he's compromised with me in some way so we are all happy).

[justLisa]

When I hear the word submissive, I think of the bedroom. Yes, I am submissive there, but it's more of an act. I am quite the exhibitionist :tongue_smilie:

 

We are total equals. We compromise and value each other and discussion. We probably have more traditional roles, but that's how we work. I do almost everything and he handles all the finances. And I squish the bugs. He prefers me just tell him exactly what I want him to do, rather than the eye rolls etc, expecting him to read my brain. I like this, and have finally discovered they really do NOT read brains like my mother and hers and hers and hers must have assumed. Crazy women.

[Mommy22alyns]

Sorry, I kind of laughed when I saw the thread title. "Submissive" is one of the last words I'd use to describe myself! :lol:

[Hwin]

I picked 4, mostly submissive. It would look egalitarian to the majority of people, though. He has never pulled the "head of the household card." I am the one who says "We can't come to an agreement, so I want you to pray and decide, and I will accept it and respect you and back you 100%."

 

He actually hates it when I do that, because then he feels like has to do the responsible thing, instead of getting me to go along with a bad idea. :lol:

 

ETA I make most of the decisions. I'm not sure how submissive I would be if he exercised his veto power more than once per year...

Edited May 29, 2012 by Hwin

[NanceXToo]

Where's the option that says: "Well, once in a while, after the kids are in bed, just for fun....."

 

?

 

:thumbup::blushing::lol:

[mytwomonkeys]

When I hear the word submissive, I think of the bedroom. Yes, I am submissive there, but it's more of an act. I am quite the exhibitionist :tongue_smilie:

 

We are total equals. We compromise and value each other and discussion. We probably have more traditional roles, but that's how we work. I do almost everything and he handles all the finances. And I squish the bugs. He prefers me just tell him exactly what I want him to do, rather than the eye rolls etc, expecting him to read my brain. I like this, and have finally discovered they really do NOT read brains like my mother and hers and hers and hers must have assumed. Crazy women.

 

 

my husband is the exact same way! except here, he squishes the bugs and i handle the finances, lol.:)

 

also, there are some things where i do let my husband have the final decision. for example, we moved to FL last summer & i let my husband make the final decision. it was his job choice, and although it would definitely affect us all, i trusted him to pick a place that would consider us a whole & not just him as an individual. i really didn't want to have much input or influence in that, so instead, i prayed that God would guide us and lead my husband to the best place. likewise, my husband doesn't offer any input with homeschooling. he supports it 100%, but he doesn't ask what we're using, what it cost, what my schedule is, etc. that's all me.

[mommymilkies]

Where's the option that says: "Well, once in a while, after the kids are in bed, just for fun....."

 

?

 

:thumbup::blushing::lol:

 

:lol: That's a whole different poll choice!

[Peaceful Isle]

I feel that in any close relationship, we should submit ourselves, one to another.

What this means to me, is that we should prefer one another, in brotherly love. Thinking about the other person , and his/ or her needs over the needs of our own.

If my dh thinks of my needs, and I think of his, there really isn't a ruling over another. We work together as a team. Sometimes I give in, sometimes he does.

Usually if he feels very strongly about something, I respect him enough to go with it, and vise versa.

[Pamela H in Texas]

I would and do submit completely to dh, but (a) I am always heard and honored and respected, (b) he defers to me WAY more than I defer to him, and © the issue of submitting would only come up if a decision had to be made and we were not in agreement.

 

I should have waited :)

[Lily_Grace]

I voted egalitarian. In a military family, it makes the most sense. We each make decisions based on what we think is best for the family and we work together/compromise, too. We take on the roles we're best suited for - him: cooking, investing, heavy work, vacation planning, me: cleaning, gardening, light repairs, banking.

[bolt.]

I submit myself wholly to my husband, and he submits himself wholly to me. This means that we are both actively and freely putting each other above-self, serving each other, and loving selflessly. It does not mean that either of us feels free to be the "boss" of the other one. It is like mutual respect, only to a much greater degree in this intimate relationship.

[FaithManor]

Okay, I must confess. I can think of ONE non-eglitarian situation that should it come up, would cause our marriage to instantly become matriarchial.

 

Should Dh EEEEEEEEVER announce that I should deal with a snake in any manner, I would not compromise, submit, obey, logically discourse, or even engage in a lively, heated debate. I would employ an iron skillet. Swinging wildly, depending on which entity is closer, somebody's head would roll...the snake or DH, hard to say which one.

 

Dh, however, is very likely wise enough to NOT make such a demand of me. I think he likes his head right where it is!

 

Faith

[tntgoodwin]

My wife and I are complimentarian. As I am the husband, and that is not an option on your poll, I couldn't answer using the poll.

[happyhomemaker25]

I voted Patriarchal because that is what we are closest to in our beliefs. I am a lot more passionate about stuff though so usually I come up with ideas. I research them and then take the ideas to hubby for his approval. Very rarely has he said no to something. He lets me run the house and our homeschool, but he also has final say. When he did not like our Phonics program I scrapped it for something else.

[Catwoman]

Okay, I must confess. I can think of ONE non-eglitarian situation that should it come up, would cause our marriage to instantly become matriarchial.

 

Should Dh EEEEEEEEVER announce that I should deal with a snake in any manner, I would not compromise, submit, obey, logically discourse, or even engage in a lively, heated debate. I would employ an iron skillet. Swinging wildly, depending on which entity is closer, somebody's head would roll...the snake or DH, hard to say which one.

 

Dh, however, is very likely wise enough to NOT make such a demand of me. I think he likes his head right where it is!

 

Faith

 

And not a jury in the world would convict you. :D

[I.Dup.]

Where's the option that says: "Well, once in a while, after the kids are in bed, just for fun....."

 

?

 

:thumbup::blushing::lol:

 

Yep, this is about as submissive as I have been. LOL. But I am working on it for this reason...

 

I feel that in any close relationship, we should submit ourselves, one to another.

What this means to me, is that we should prefer one another, in brotherly love. Thinking about the other person , and his/ or her needs over the needs of our own.

 

:iagree:

 

I have found that a wife overly focusing on submission gives the husband free reign to be a total d*ck, or at least what I've seen submission means in the circles I've hung around for too long. I don't think that's doing the husband any service at all.

 

I think focusing on the definition above is a good idea.

[AK_Mom4]

I don't think there is any "submitting" going on here on either side.

 

The subject has never come up. We just keep on keepin-on and get it done.