The proper attitude for parents of gifted kids.

[Rivka]

I know there have been discussions here before about how to react to comments; for example, responding to remarks about a child's achievements in a given area by referencing their love for the topic.

 

I want to bring the subject up again because I'm just taken aback and sad, I guess, about the vitriol I've recently seen directed at parents who fail to hide their children's academic accomplishments.

 

I have seen instances (mostly online posts, rarely in-person conversations) in which I've felt like a parent was refining too much on her child's brilliance in a way that left me skeptical, or that seemed like inappropriate bragging. To me that's a small minority. But recent discussions have involved more sweeping judgments, of the kind that makes me wonder whether everyone who knows me thinks I'm a big awful jerk or something.

 

So what's the appropriate level of secrecy and humility?

[Jen in PA]

I think that it is often a no-win situation. If I tell people what my dc are really reading/doing in math/enjoying in their free time, one listener will feel threatened, and another will thank me for the great ideas. Some people definitely do see everything as a competition, others are genuinely curious and encouraging.

 

I have nieces and nephews who are close to my dc in age, and I really struggle with what sorts of things to share on Facebook just so that no one takes anything the wrong way.

 

That doesn't really answer your question, but I totally get where you're coming from.

[Crimson Wife]

IRL, if somebody specifically asks about a particular thing (for example, a spelling bee), then I will answer truthfully about the result but in a way that highlights effort rather than ability. "DS worked really hard and we're proud that he won the bee."

 

If no one specifically asks, then I think it's rude for the parent to bring it up. Just like it's rude and tacky to brag about one's wealth, it's rude and tacky to brag about a child's achievement.

 

Now if the achievement is relevant to something, then I think it's okay to mention it in passing. For example, if someone asks about spelling bee prep and the parent says that the Hexco products helped the child win a bee. That's not attention-seeking "look at how great my kid is!" but actually relevant to the topic being discussed.

[KAR120C]

I have seen instances (mostly online posts, rarely in-person conversations) in which I've felt like a parent was refining too much on her child's brilliance in a way that left me skeptical, or that seemed like inappropriate bragging. To me that's a small minority. But recent discussions have involved more sweeping judgments, of the kind that makes me wonder whether everyone who knows me thinks I'm a big awful jerk or something.

If everyone who knows me thinks I'm a big awful jerk, they're going to have to tell me to my face. Or stop calling or stopping by or whatever. So far neither has happened.

 

But if someone online whom I don't know from Adam thinks that someone else I don't know might have said too much or too little or spoken too loudly or with the wrong tone in a situation about which I have almost no context.... They'll have to excuse me if I don't get right on that.

[SonshineLearner]

I truly think it's one of the times that no one is going to win :( We all feel inadequate in some way, right? I mean, I see your child is two years younger than mine and doing Beast Academy... And I always felt like mine is smart. So... either he's not smart... or not challenged enough. (So I must be wrong) Now, seriously I feel like that... but it's not your fault, and won't change his life forever... BUT, if I rely on what I teach my son to be the pivotal point in my worth... then anything you put down... say... whatever... is going to effect me. (and make me like/not like you) If I realize that everyone is different... with us all having our strengths and weaknesses, then I can rejoice with you and what your kids do. (My son isn't doing Latin, we're working on Hebrew first) :)

I really think that much of the problem is not the speaker, but rather the listener :(

[Kathy G]

I tend to be more secretive. I have never posted anything on facebook about it. It is hard though in general. I had someone this past week ask what my son was taking in math and when I answered precalculus they questioned me and I got the "you are bragging" look from them. I had only answered a question. I think some people are overly sensitive. When I ask someone where their kid plays soccer I don't get upset if they say he is on some advanced team.

 

Online I don't know what to think. At times there seems to be bragging. But, I tend to let it go as there are so many people who don't have any outlet and this may be their only chance to talk.

[jenbrdsly]

I tended to be more secretive, until my son started in a PS Gifted program and I met other moms to talk to. Now we got out for tea each week. It's made a huge difference (for me). :)

 

 

The other side of the coin that I just wanted to throw out there is that some gifted kids can also be really intense. So I can fully understand the desire (I've been guilty of this myself) to say, "Yes, he's a three year old who is flipping out about XYZ, but did you know he can read?" Nobody wants there child to be looked down upon.

 

Also, this also brings up bad memories about that awful BabyCenter.com post. I wrote a retort on my blog about that.

[freesia]

I tend not to talk about any of my kids accomplishments in any area except with family. I will talk about what they enjoy or their general personality.

 

That said, I tend to know which of my friend's kids are gifted and I do talk freely with those parents but it is more about sharing ideas. My kids also each have some level of dyslexia/dysgraphia as well as poor fine motor skills so I talk with other parents who have kids who have those needs, too.

 

I guess I don't understand why parents would talk about what reading level their child was at, what math they were taking, etc. I wouldn't go around telling folks my kid was on a travel team, either. I don't think it would serve any purpose really.

[Five More Minutes]

I've struggled with this a lot, and I'm sure I'm one of those who hasn't hit the right tone in online posts.

 

Sometimes I feel that I need to explain my student's level in order to provide context for my questions / comments, but then in retrospect realize I could have come at it differently so that I could have hidden their levels.

 

I've found the accelerated learning forum to be quite a relief: because my students aren't nearly as accelerated as others, I feel I can relax and mention their levels without repercussions.

 

In real life, it's actually a bit easier for me, because I have very few people with whom I'm having extended conversations about homeschool. I rarely find myself in a situation where I think that explaining their skill level would be helpful, so I can just keep it a secret.

[StartingOver]

I have what my children are doing in my signature, and most of the time I have their ages. ( Every now and then I get annoyed and take them out for a break. ) But mostly I leave them in, as I have others that will come to me and thank me for it. Personally I would rather support those that are having a hard time and wondering if they can say anything at all without offending others. Than I am worried about those that might think I am bragging.

 

Now I say that because I have had 5 children, 2 of those are now graduates that were average. One is a graduate that was above average but I felt so isolated, in that I felt I couldn't discuss him with anyone.

 

Now I have two little ones that are above average, and old enough to just not give a flip. So I will admit what they are doing, no matter what flack I get. I am collecting several online friends that have children similar to mine, who in the years to come we can visit with when we go on the road. ;-) I love to know that there are others out there, to be able to connect with them and support them or just be a sounding board. Simple as that.

 

Most of us are being dragged kicking and screaming by our children, doing the best we can for the little individuals that they are.

[dharmacat]

Online I don't know what to think. At times there seems to be bragging. But, I tend to let it go as there are so many people who don't have any outlet and this may be their only chance to talk.

 

This is where I fall too. Sure it can be mildly irritating, but after all we're all just trying to get by as best we can, right? And if it gets too much we can "just step away from the post, ma'am". ;)

[beaners]

I wouldn't call my kids gifted but I'd love to know what I should be doing. No matter what I seem to be doing it incorrectly.

[pbb119]

I think that it is just difficult to judge from online posts. If someone types out one scenario, it may come across in tone differently to every single reader. When you are in a situation, are a part of that situation, and hear it all with your own ears (or, are the creator of the scenario in your head), it is much easier to know how someone is coming across (bragging/explaining/etc.). That is why I think there has been such heated debate about this. I think IRL, most people don't ever encounter it.

 

Having said that, I know when I may have come across as bragging, and when I was simply giving info. People who really are bragging are very much aware of what they are doing. There is, IMO, a big valley between bragging and hiding/being secretive. There is no need to do either. People usually know what you mean and how you mean it. Trying to define those situations in just a typed out message can never accurately be interpreted.

 

Just my 2 cents.

[2smartones]

I think it's difficult in a forum such as this. There are places where I know everyone very well, they know us, they know what we're doing, etc., so when I say "ds is doing ____, do you think we should also do ____?" or "guess what?! ds did ____! I'm so proud!" or whatever, I know I can expect a sincere response from people who overlook the age and see only the ability. However, in those same places, there are people who are either new or lurking or whatever, who don't know me, and who may see my post as bragging rather than a conversation among friends. Those people can either get over themselves or get to know us better.

 

IRL, I tend to be more secretive. There are only a handful of people/places where I feel comfortable being open & honest.

[Dmmetler]

IRL, most people who have been around DD7 any length of time seem to pick up that she's both gifted and that she's challenging, so I can share both the triumphs and the challenges with them more readily. For some reason, they can be more empathic at my concerns about starting algebra once they've seen DD7 in total meltdown mode because she was eliminated in a game of musical chairs at co-op.:tongue_smilie:

 

Online, especially on academic boards, I've gotten to the point where it just is what it is. If your child just won a math competition and is doing calculus at age 5, congratulations, and please tell me what algebra resources you recommend for a child who is more advanced in math than writing, because that's where we're heading. If your child is working on addition, I tutored math for quite a few years, so maybe I can help...or maybe not. Either way, I'll happily empathize with the problem of finding the right math program to fit your child with either of you. It's not a reflection on DD either way-and DD's level isn't a reflection on you or your educational choices. It's just how she is.

[Embassy]

I don't know what the proper attitude is. I try to be careful. I have to be careful with my family too (on both sides). Even when I do try to be careful, I find that I get put into situations where I can't have a two-sided discussion without getting that look or the uncomfortable long silent pause. I'm learning to just be quiet with people and let them talk and talk about their kids and keep things to generalities. I was asked last week specifically about my child's reading level. It has come to a point where I don't even answer a direct question in specifics. I just told the person I didn't know (I don't know exactly) and that he was a good reader. My kids aren't super advanced either.

 

It is odd. When I gush to some moms about their kids and how amazing I think their kids are, I'm also given strange looks so maybe it is me:tongue_smilie: I never had a baby sit and look around contentedly so I am always amazed by it.

[JenneinCA]

I just don't say anything.

 

No stuff in the signature, no stuff on Facebook, nothing.

 

I have been hurt too many times to count. I don't want to be hurt anymore.

[Tsutsie]

I, for one, feel very isolated. This was one of the reasons I did not dare to post on this forum until we had a FORMAL test done - just incase one of my "real life" friends happen to see that I've posted here.

 

I usually just smile and nod when I have to listen to everything other kids do. I DARE NOT say what we are doing. They will think me pushy, ridiculous or "early" - one or the other. I think it is sad that I can not share the pride I feel in regards to my children's accomplishments with anyone. They also work hard at what they are doing and, at times, deserve recognition.

 

I sometimes hush my children because I don't want them to speak their minds - whatever it might be - because I'm embarrassed by their precocious comments or questions!

 

I downplay our accomplishments almost always to below the level others are performing at when we are given a compliment - which is rare. Huh? Typing this out make it seem even more ridiculous.

 

I can go on - and my oldest is just 7.

 

I need to feel safe SOMEWHERE.

Let it be here.

Edited May 8, 2012 by ycoetzee

[Parrothead]

I've come to the conclusion that is isn't proper to speak of one's child's accomplishments pretty much 99% of the time. And that 1% needs to be to no one but the other parent of said child.

 

I think it is sad especially here on a homeschooing advice board when one can't go into the details of one's child's schooling needs without coded phrases and speaking out of the side of one's mouth.

 

Personally I find it is horribly aggravating trying to try to get names of resources/curric for dd without being able to say that she is XX advanced in YY area(s). What is the point of having the AL board?

 

It isn't as if mom's of bright kids are all over the general board going: "Look! Look at what my kid can do. He is so much better than your kid."

Edited May 8, 2012 by Parrothead

[LMD]

Honestly, most of the time I'm too tired to care :D If my sentence is coherent I consider the listener lucky! I can be a bit slow sometimes, I don't really notice if someone is trying to compete with me...

 

I guess I don't talk so much about levels, simply because I don't find it to be very relevent, maybe I'm just not having these kind of conversations? When another mum asks if they can peek at my materials I let them, and I don't apologise for what level it is. I do try to be sensitive as I would hate to encourage someone else to hothouse their DC. At homeschool group we don't generally talk about grade levels, I don't think I've heard it mentioned actually, methods/curriculum/help/support/ideas yes - actual levels? No.

 

Oh, I brag a lot to the grandparents though! I won't apologise for that!

[Jen in PA]

 

I have been hurt too many times to count. I don't want to be hurt anymore.

 

:grouphug:

 

I have been really sheltered in terms of most negative interactions. Our co-op is extremely flexible about moving kids around based on interests and abilities, so that has never been an issue for us. Aside from being careful on Facebook, family members either live far away or have no kids near my dc in age, so that has helped.

 

I was caught totally off guard while waiting to pick DS up from a weekend workshop for gifted kids when the mom I was chatting with realized that my DS was younger than hers, and she flipped out and started grilling me on how I had gotten him into the class and wasn't I breaking some sort of rule. I was speechless.

[Halcyon]

I used to care what people think, but not any more. That said,i am not on Facebook, and have very few homeschool peers schooling gifted kids. Thats okay by me. If i have a question for these boards, post it. If it coes across as "boasting" on a board specifically meant for homeschoolers...well, cant help you there. :001_smile:

 

That said, i do have one hs friend who does. Not. Stop. Talking about her daughter's accomplishments, how advanced she is,mhow much better she is doing than all the other kids she knows. It seriously is almost comical. :lol: i think thats just an insecurity thing, though.

[Beth in SW WA]

So what's the appropriate level of secrecy and humility?

 

It depends on the circumstance. Here on this sub-forum we should be able to ask questions, share ideas and accomplishments without worrying how someone will receive it.

 

I love reading about all your kiddos. Keep sharing!

 

:bigear:

 

(ETA: In conversations with friends -- and on FB -- I hold back from sharing. With family, I share it all because they love us.) :)

[Jen500]

It depends on the circumstance. Here on this sub-forum we should be able to ask questions, share ideas and accomplishments without worrying how someone will receive it.

 

I love reading about your kiddos. Keep sharing!

 

:bigear:

 

:iagree:

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

Umm, I LOVE hearing about everyone's kids and all the awesome things they do/are interested in on here. The They said what? thread is one of my favorites!

 

I thought this was the safe place to get to talk about our kids that we couldn't do IRL. Maybe we should have a thread just for I'm-so-proud-I'm-going-to-bust moments. That way people who want to share and hear it can and those who would be offended can avoid it.

[mudboots]

Umm, I LOVE hearing about everyone's kids and all the awesome things they do/are interested in on here.

 

:iagree:

[SunnyDays]

I like reading this board and hearing about all your kids. If I do feel slightly envious for a minute because one of your kiddos is surpassing mine (hey, I'm human, LOL), then I don't get snippy about it... it inspires me to keep seeking better materials, and giving my son more if he's capable of it. It helps keep me striving for the best.

 

I wish I had more people like you IRL. My parents "get" it because my brother and I are both gifted. (Although, that also means you can't wow Grandma and Grandpa that easily because they've BTDT!!) My husband's family, though, is another story... they think all the kids are bright, which they are, but they don't get what it means to be really advanced or need more depth. They didn't get homeschooling, either. And, we have a nephew DS's age so we have to be careful about stepping on toes. (Although, somehow it's different when they're bragging about nephew's sports accomplishments when my DS isn't really athletic... go figure...)

 

All that to say, outright bragging is of course bad form, but you should be able to mention something about your child without people getting defensive. Life doesn't always work that way though.

[Embassy]

(Although, somehow it's different when they're bragging about nephew's sports accomplishments when my DS isn't really athletic... go figure...)

 

I hear ya! Last week my kids were running around with kids of different ages. A child half the age of my son could easily tag him and then he couldn't climb to a high platform where much younger kids were. He kept trying though. Athletic is not going to happen. I can't mention when we hit motor milestones to my parents either since they are so far behind typical. I also get the long pauses and looks for that too. :001_huh: My son also had a major milestone this past year that most kids hit before the age of 2! Dh and I were so excited, but we couldn't really share that one. So in short I've learned from others that:

 

If they are behind it is because I am not doing enough.

If they are ahead it is because I am pushing them.

 

Truth told, they are who they are. I didn't make them behind. I didn't make them ahead. I just try to love them for who they are and help bring out their best.

Edited May 9, 2012 by Wehomeschool

[La Texican]

Who*sees someone who feels good about something and tries to take that away from them? *

 

Apologizing doesn't always mean you're wrong, it just means that you value your relationship more than you value your ego.

 

If you agree, you might be a bragger.

:)

Trying to be funny but you know the top sentence isn't describing the braggers but the "haters". *The second sentence is just the plain truth every bragger knows. *

 

Jmo (strike that) just some thoughts

the same thoughts that have been rolling around since I read that other thread and I simultaneously read those two sentences on face-book. *They totes apply to the "bragging" kerzizzle. *

 

Was that funny out loud *or just funny in my head? *(besides the first sentence because that pain ain't funny).

[Iucounu]

I like reading this board and hearing about all your kids. If I do feel slightly envious for a minute because one of your kiddos is surpassing mine (hey, I'm human, LOL), then I don't get snippy about it... it inspires me to keep seeking better materials, and giving my son more if he's capable of it. It helps keep me striving for the best.

I used to have parent angst over such stuff, but I am feeling much better now that it's all passed away. I realized that it's a trap for everyone that only results in poor feelings for parents, and an inappropriate focus on developing children (or at least a suboptimal reason for helping them to develop, to put it more kindly). I know why it happens: more smarts are better, more achievement is better, more opportunities are always better.

 

I just wish everyone could realize that a goal of being better than everyone else inevitably leads to bad feelings-- one will realize that one's child has "failed", or as a side effect of the focus, leading to comparisons etc., will wind up making another parent feel bad. None of this happened, or at least not to such a degree, before the days of IQ and achievement tests. People back then had their own particular failings, but not this one so much.

[3Blessings]

Like others have said, I enjoy reading about accelerated or gifted kids. Most of the time I feel a sense of relief because I see similar behavior in my own children. In addition, I like being challenged by what others are doing. I end up thinking, "Well, maybe ds could handle that . . . "when I was otherwise in doubt (or, more likely, didn't want to spend the money).

 

I teach one IB Psych class and I just told dh last night how I had observed that when I praised one student the others said, "Oh, that means mine was terrible". Actually, that wasn't the case at all. Why do we think that someone else's success means a personal failure for me? I think we all (including myself at times) do that at some point. IMO, it is a reflection on the person responding, not the person doing the succeeding.

[Rivka]

IRL, if somebody specifically asks about a particular thing (for example, a spelling bee), then I will answer truthfully about the result but in a way that highlights effort rather than ability. "DS worked really hard and we're proud that he won the bee."

 

If no one specifically asks, then I think it's rude for the parent to bring it up. Just like it's rude and tacky to brag about one's wealth, it's rude and tacky to brag about a child's achievement.

 

I guess I don't understand why parents would talk about what reading level their child was at, what math they were taking, etc. I wouldn't go around telling folks my kid was on a travel team, either. I don't think it would serve any purpose really.

 

Setting aside my homeschooling blog for a moment, which goes into a fair amount of detail about what we're doing and thus inherently deals with levels, here are some examples of how it might come up:

 

- Alex wrote a letter to the American Girl company asking why all their dolls are fully abled, and saying she wanted to read books about a historical American girl with disabilities. I posted about her letter and AG's response on my Facebook, and asked for recommendations for historical fiction with disabled characters written at about a middle-grades level.

 

- She brought Beast Academy to church with her so she could read it if she got bored. After the service, I wound up holding it in the parish hall while she played with her friends. So there I was, attending coffee hour with a two-grades-ahead math book under my arm.

 

- There have been times when I've been in a group of adults discussing our strong continued emotional reactions to our favorite childhood books. It might occur to me to mention how moved I was when Alex read one of my dearly-loved childhood favorites.

 

I've struggled with this a lot, and I'm sure I'm one of those who hasn't hit the right tone in online posts.

 

Sometimes I feel that I need to explain my student's level in order to provide context for my questions / comments, but then in retrospect realize I could have come at it differently so that I could have hidden their levels.

 

Can you say more about why you would see hiding their levels as the right thing to do?

[LillyMama]

God solved this problem for me by giving me one advanced kid and one struggler. At least, that's how the schools would look at it. I look at it that my "advanced" kid is good at school, but, in all honesty, my "struggling" kid is SO good at life. So I can brag or complain about every topic with the best of them. ;)

 

In all seriousness, I think we, especially we over-achieving, people-pleasing women, need to become more content with not pleasing everyone. I don't mean we should just say whatever we want whenever we want to. But, for the most part, I think most of us have been naturally dealt or developed a reasonable amount of tact and most of what we say is most likely appropriate. But we're also given tastes and preferences. We cannot be friends with everyone, we simply don't have the time. So if someone doesn't like what I talk about, or what I say, then they can find someone else to talk to. If it's honest, vulnerable information about my life, and they don't want or can't hear it, then we really cannot be that close of friends. And it goes the other way. I can be polite and kind and inquisitive and a good listener. But I also need to be able to say, to someone, what my life is REALLY like. And if that's a kid that taught herself to read at 3 and to multiply at 4, with another kid who is almost 7 and isn't reading much past CVC words- well, that's my world.

 

ALL of that to say- we also need to remember that there are close friends, friends and acquaintances. Each group gets different amounts of information. When we forget those groupings is when I think we get into trouble.

[SKL]

In a subforum like this, I think people should share whatever they consider helpful to share, honestly. As others have said, even if it seems a bit more than necessary, sometimes we need to be able to share our pride, and here might be the only safe place for that.

 

IRL, I have made the mistake of sharing too much when I was in the midst of trying to work out a problem (my kid's school placement). I was extremely frustrated and concerned for my kid's well-being. So my filter was off kilter, and I'm sure I put some people off. Hopefully they will get over it since I only did that for a very short time period.

 

Now that I am not in any kind of crisis mode (or defensive mode) with my kids, I don't feel the need to say anything outside of this forum about their achievements. I do sometimes bring them up to make a point about something else, e.g., the problem of rules being made based on assumptions of helplessness, etc. Maybe some people find that obnoxious, but it would be hard to make certain points without providing a concrete example. Maybe I could say "a child I know" instead of "my dd."

 

I am active on a friendly site where many of the people have bright kids and others have average kids. Sometimes I will mention what's on my mind about my advanced dd, but I generally get no response, so I take that to mean nobody wants to hear it. So I generally steer away from that. It's hard to be completely silent about who my kid is, though.

 

Family - with the grandparents and folks without kids, everything is fair game. But siblings and in-laws with kids generally do not want to know if my kid has a talent theirs might not have. Since they don't need to know, I generally stay away from that subject. Sadly, if you share with some people, they take it as "rubbing it in their face" and their reaction is to secretly wish ill upon your kids. I don't need that.

[ebunny]

 

So what's the appropriate level of secrecy and humility?

 

 

I try to remember that having more of something is not always better. It comes with it's own pitfalls.

IRL, I don't divulge information unless specifically asked. While responding, I am matter of fact about it.

 

Online is tricky. It's relatively easy to misunderstand the intention of the poster. I've learned, over time, that if I am not articulate enough, I shouldn't post.

[freesia]

Setting aside my homeschooling blog for a moment, which goes into a fair amount of detail about what we're doing and thus inherently deals with levels, here are some examples of how it might come up:

 

- Alex wrote a letter to the American Girl company asking why all their dolls are fully abled, and saying she wanted to read books about a historical American girl with disabilities. I posted about her letter and AG's response on my Facebook, and asked for recommendations for historical fiction with disabled characters written at about a middle-grades level.

 

- She brought Beast Academy to church with her so she could read it if she got bored. After the service, I wound up holding it in the parish hall while she played with her friends. So there I was, attending coffee hour with a two-grades-ahead math book under my arm.

 

- There have been times when I've been in a group of adults discussing our strong continued emotional reactions to our favorite childhood books. It might occur to me to mention how moved I was when Alex read one of my dearly-loved childhood favorites.

 

Okay, I can see your point. No, you shouldn't have to hide that type of stuff for any reason. The mentioning what Alex was reading thing would only be a problem if a parent were the type (and I am NOT implying you are at all) who found every opportunity to bring what her child was reading into conversation. But I can see what you mean. I would find it unnatural to hold back in those situations.

[quark]

Someone wise once told me that if you don't feel safe posting on a forum, or on Facebook, maybe it's just not the right place for you.

 

I've changed my siggy quite a number of times to suit my need for secrecy and humility but this also means that I need to explain more when I'm asking a question (and usually my questions about academics are best asked on the high school board...thank goodness for the kindness I've received there!). I usually don't ask if waiting for a few days means someone else might ask a similar question. I've been quite lucky that way.

 

I seriously believe that most parents just need to share. To unload the burden of what they think may be "strange" behavior in a younger child and to just feel comforted that they are not alone. Or if they are alone, that at least someone sympathizes or is willing to cheer them on. A little kindness towards these posters goes a long way!

 

In my experience, real bragging usually has a "serial" quality to it. The same person posting on and on about the same things over and over again. Thankfully, no one is forced to read these posts.

[JenneinCA]

It isn't the amazing good stuff that is so hard for me to share. It is the crashingly bad stuff.

 

With the incredible intensities that some (read, my) kids have, the bad times are really really horrible. It is truly terrifying to deal with kids who have mega issues primarily due to seeing the world in a different way than most people do. All the possibilities are overwhelming. All the roads not taken a grief filled loss. This is the pain of parenting an out there teenager.

 

My kids don't exactly fit with the normal high school board or the logic board or even this board The folks here are mostly dealing with little kid issues and that isn't where we are right now. I am comfortable with little kid drama. It is the big kid drama that scares me to my core.

[Crimson Wife]

Setting aside my homeschooling blog for a moment, which goes into a fair amount of detail about what we're doing and thus inherently deals with levels, here are some examples of how it might come up:

 

- Alex wrote a letter to the American Girl company asking why all their dolls are fully abled, and saying she wanted to read books about a historical American girl with disabilities. I posted about her letter and AG's response on my Facebook, and asked for recommendations for historical fiction with disabled characters written at about a middle-grades level.

 

- She brought Beast Academy to church with her so she could read it if she got bored. After the service, I wound up holding it in the parish hall while she played with her friends. So there I was, attending coffee hour with a two-grades-ahead math book under my arm.

 

- There have been times when I've been in a group of adults discussing our strong continued emotional reactions to our favorite childhood books. It might occur to me to mention how moved I was when Alex read one of my dearly-loved childhood favorites.

 

That's not what I was talking about. I presume you weren't going around obnoxiously telling people unasked that your child is doing math 2 grades ahead or reading such-and-such a book the way that another person might go about obnoxiously name-dropping the designer labels she is wearing. I was just at a local playground this afternoon, and the group of women sitting on the next blanket over were doing this. As I might've put in circa 1985, "gag me with a spoon". :rolleyes:

[Karenciavo]

IRL I rarely mention my dc's accomplishments. My ds9 is precocious and people notice him on their own. Although I have to admit to sharing some of the things he comes out with on Facebook. He makes me smile and I like sharing it. To any of you who are my fb friends I hope you don't roll your eyes too much. :blush5:

[KirstenH]

It isn't the amazing good stuff that is so hard for me to share. It is the crashingly bad stuff.

 

With the incredible intensities that some (read, my) kids have, the bad times are really really horrible. It is truly terrifying to deal with kids who have mega issues primarily due to seeing the world in a different way than most people do. All the possibilities are overwhelming. All the roads not taken a grief filled loss. This is the pain of parenting an out there teenager.

 

My kids don't exactly fit with the normal high school board or the logic board or even this board The folks here are mostly dealing with little kid issues and that isn't where we are right now. I am comfortable with little kid drama. It is the big kid drama that scares me to my core.

 

You can talk to me. It wasn't all that long ago that I WAS a gifted adolescent, with crazy intensities and big kid drama (or at least it SEEMS like yesterday! Sigh). I have given a ton of thought to how I'm going to handle my own gifted, intense kid later on. I'd love to listen to you vent, learn from you, and share my own memories and thoughts if you ever need a sounding board.

[EthiopianFood]

I get really uncomfortable when people make a big deal out of what dd is doing. I'm happy she's bright, but I also wish it wasn't anything noticeable to others. The things we do aren't unusual on this board, but they apparently are to those we know/meet. I can't seem to avoid it either, because when the cashier asks dd what she studied in school, and she says Mandarin, or when dd is reading for her Sunday School teacher when I'm not there, the cat is already out of the bag. I do think I'm too sensitive about it, but I still wish I could avoid the whole thing.

[Dicentra]

Not sure if this is helpful or not but I found this article really helped me to not feel so "alone":

http://www.hoagiesgifted.org/optimum_intelligence.htm

The Hoagies' Gifted site in general is a fantastic resource for parents of gifties and even parents who may be gifties themselves. :001_smile: The article I linked above is entitled "Optimum Intelligence: My Experience as a Too Gifted Adult" but the author, Carolyn K., talks a lot about her experiences trying to "fit in" with co-workers and neighbours when talking about her gifted kids.

[Tsutsie]

To me, it is not necessary WHAT my kids are doing, but the other issues associated with giftedness not always seen in a positive way.

 

How do I contribute that to NORMAL "gifted" traits?

 

The incessant stream of questions.

Panic if something does not happen fast enough or as planned.

Perfectionism.

Difficulty with friends or general social situations.

When people question my parenting skills when "act dumb" or "don't speak" is not an option. (It never is.)

[quark]

I was just at a local playground this afternoon, and the group of women sitting on the next blanket over were doing this. As I might've put in circa 1985, "gag me with a spoon". :rolleyes:

 

I might have been one of these women a few years ago if I'd had been extroverted enough to join a park day. The temptation was so strong. But so was my own self-critical gag reflex at myself for wanting to do something like this IRL. My guy was young enough to be both obviously smart and for his uneven parts to be okay ("oh, he's so young, he'll catch up!").

 

Give these women time. Chances are they have younger kids or do not have the extremely intense ones who hit a certain stage where they become just so aware of things that it's painful to watch them struggle with the rest of the world just not getting them. Being made fun of for being so clumsy and dreamy never mind where they are in other areas is just one part of it. Feeling as if everything they are doing is wrong that they start hating themselves (just one example), that's harder. Maybe these ladies don't know yet what a mixed bag it can be after a few years. If they can brag shamelessly, maybe they are still on the learning curve?

[quark]

It isn't the amazing good stuff that is so hard for me to share. It is the crashingly bad stuff.

 

With the incredible intensities that some (read, my) kids have, the bad times are really really horrible. It is truly terrifying to deal with kids who have mega issues primarily due to seeing the world in a different way than most people do. All the possibilities are overwhelming. All the roads not taken a grief filled loss. This is the pain of parenting an out there teenager.

 

My kids don't exactly fit with the normal high school board or the logic board or even this board The folks here are mostly dealing with little kid issues and that isn't where we are right now. I am comfortable with little kid drama. It is the big kid drama that scares me to my core.

 

:grouphug:

[Tsutsie]

Feeling as if everything they are doing is wrong that they start hating themselves (just one example), that's harder.

 

...when they are so almost perfect.:crying:

[Cassy]

That said, i do have one hs friend who does. Not. Stop. Talking about her daughter's accomplishments, how advanced she is,mhow much better she is doing than all the other kids she knows. It seriously is almost comical. :lol: i think thats just an insecurity thing, though.

 

:lol: Yes, I know someone like that. Interestingly, although her son is very bright, he generally doesn't come across as anything special. Another friend of DS13 is working a year ahead of his age at DS13's school (and comes top in everything, except PE :tongue_smilie:). He is a sweet, fun boy, but he immediately comes across as obviously very, very intelligent. There have been moments when he's been here playing with our boys and he's said or done something that has made DH and I stare at each other in amazement. His mother has never said anything about his 'giftedness' other than what a difficult decision they had to make about where to send him to school. She's mostly interested in talking about mutual friends, her job, Church, what they're doing for their next holiday, etc, etc. She has no need to say anything, his accomplishments speak for themselves, his struggles (socially) are something they cope with, as we all cope with our (less gifted) children's struggles.

 

Cassy

[Donna]

I seriously believe that most parents just need to share. To unload the burden of what they think may be "strange" behavior in a younger child and to just feel comforted that they are not alone. Or if they are alone, that at least someone sympathizes or is willing to cheer them on. A little kindness towards these posters goes a long way!

 

In my experience, real bragging usually has a "serial" quality to it. The same person posting on and on about the same things over and over again. Thankfully, no one is forced to read these posts.

 

I don't know if the "need" to share is strongest when a child is young or if you just get more jaded and realize no one wants to hear it when they get older so you get used to keeping it to yourself. When they are young and start doing things that are outside the norm, I know I, at least, felt a certain sense of panic and responsibility and didn't want to mess them up plus there were those not so great things that went along with the things they were doing and I wondered if I hadn't already messed them up or what was normal. When they are young and reading at 3, they stand out in front of others but when they are 9 unless they are carrying around what they are reading, no one knows unless you tell them.

 

I like having an online place where I can share and listen to others share as well. IRL I don't share with strangers or acquaintances and have no problem with that but it is difficult not being able to share with people who used to be very close friends.

 

I have a one friend who, before kids, I talked about everything with but once our children, who are around the same ages, started doing different things at different times, sharing because strained. It seems the rules to the relationship state that she is allowed to share everything with me about her kids but I am not allowed to share about mine. It makes it difficult when she asks, "So what's new?" Hmmmm....the real answer is about a million different things some of which are good, which would be viewed as bragging if I mentioned, and others I am stressed about, which also could be viewed as bragging if mentioned, and she doesn't really want to hear all that so I end up saying, "Oh, nothing." Then I get to hear how one of hers started singing lessons, the teacher thinks she has a good voice, and wants her to audition for a local musical and another one is playing varsity lacrosse, etc.... It kinda makes the relationship a bit one-sided and unfulfilling on my end because our kids are a big part of our lives at this point. :glare:

[Rivka]

Okay, I can see your point. No, you shouldn't have to hide that type of stuff for any reason. The mentioning what Alex was reading thing would only be a problem if a parent were the type (and I am NOT implying you are at all) who found every opportunity to bring what her child was reading into conversation. But I can see what you mean. I would find it unnatural to hold back in those situations.

 

I should clarify that no one has said anything to me. It's what they're saying about other people that has me feeling worried and depressed.