Kids witnessing sibling's birth

[Mrs.Shawn]

I have an 8 year old daughter who wants to be present for the birth of her her little sister in two months. I spoke to my midwives about it today, and they said it all depends on the specific kid...how she responds to seeing mom in pain/discomfort, seeing blood, etc. My husband (who is slightly squeamish) thinks its an all around bad idea for her to be present. Since I am having a homebirth, I figure she could just leave the room if she's uncomfortable and it'll be no biggie. So, what's been your experience with having kids present to witness a sibling's birth?

[Jennifer in MI]

I have an 8 year old daughter who wants to be present for the birth of her her little sister in two months. I spoke to my midwives about it today, and they said it all depends on the specific kid...how she responds to seeing mom in pain/discomfort, seeing blood, etc. My husband (who is slightly squeamish) thinks its an all around bad idea for her to be present. Since I am having a homebirth, I figure she could just leave the room if she's uncomfortable and it'll be no biggie. So, what's been your experience with having kids present to witness a sibling's birth?

 

I had a home birth with my fourth and thought that I'd like the option for the kids to be there, maybe. So, I set up childcare for them - just in case. I was with them throughout my labor and they were GREAT! In the end, I was the one who didn't want them around. So, I left and my sitter took the kids down to watch a movie. Meg was born about 15 minutes later and they were brought right up.

 

So, if you and she think it is a good idea - be sure to have a back up plan - just in case. Maybe someone there for her if she gets scared. I know 8 is old enough to go into another room by herself, but if she's scared, she might want some support too. (My kids weren't scared, BTW. But, in the end, I think I had a feeling that things were going to get scary. And they did - I bled a lot and needed medication to stop it. I think that would have scared the kids.)

[Pretty in Pink]

I think some kids would be fine with it but it's beyond my comfort zone for my own births. It's just not something I am even remotely interested in doing. I think it can be a beautiful experience for some families.

[sagira]

My ds, who was almost 4, witnessed the birth of his sister. He was so excited, he stayed up the whole time. Only until she was napping too did he "let go" and went to sleep. He even drew her a picture while I was in labor. Most of the labor he wasn't in the room at the birth center, but hanging out with a baby sitter. I had a free babysitter because my doula's student needed to witness a birth, so she was allowed to do so while watching my son. She had a great time with him, and he wasn't in there for too long, except when she was coming out.

He loved it, and loved seeing her. It was a good experience for him. He's very loving, very inclusive, the more-the-merrier type of person, etc.

 

My last baby was a surprise :), and I knew I needed calm. Even though I had a home birth, I had the children at Grandma's. Frankly, at 7 and 3, they stressed me out, and I needed to be centered and focused. It was better for me. Dh and I were able to spend the time with our new baby, and REST :D

 

If you're planning to have your son home with you, make sure you have one person dedicated to him ONLY. Not doing anything else, not cleaning up, or taking care of you. Someone whose only job is to watch him, supervise him, and be in charge of him. Someone who will respect your cues and the midwives' when and if you need privacy or would like him near.

 

Good luck! It's a beautiful time; enjoy it :)

[Butter]

Our experience was a good one. Ani and Cameron were there for Fritz's birth and the three older kids were there for Adrian's birth.

[CalicoKat]

I was 16 when I witnessed a birth (on purpose). Not my mother.

I was living on a hospital station in the bush and it was kind of a rite at that birthday mile marker for the girls.

 

And I swore I'd never ever give birth.

 

And I haven't. :D

 

Now two of my sister's also had the same experience and have gone on to be RN's. One sister has delivered babies the whole of her 20 year nursing career.

 

I guess it depends on the child.

 

We have adopted 5 children. Of course there's the question of ability and what might have happened IF. I'm pretty sure since the doctor's can't figure out why I couldn't that it must have something to do with my experience as a teen. :lol: At least that's as good explanation as I'll ever get.

[LadyJ]

All of my children were present at the birth of the following siblings. They have wildly different personalities and they all handled it beautifully. I love the fact that they now view birth as "normal" they are not frightened of it at all. My daughter has attended the births of several nieces and nephews as well before our hospital decided only siblings could attend. :(

 

She has a very healthy idea of birth and the difficulties that may arise, she is not afraid of giving birth herself. My main goal was to give all my littles, even my boys a lack of fear but also a sense of reality. I will say that I have given birth without huge complications and I always had Grandma or my Sis there to explain things to them or take them out if the need had arisen.

[Shawna in Texas]

My 9yo watched the birth of her sister. The only part that was stressful for her was toward the end before pushing when I was tired and couldn't manage the pain anymore. That didn't last a long time. Once it was time to push, it was really exciting for her. It was actually a little weird. I had DH and the doula holding my legs, the apprentice midwife delivering, and the other midwife with my dd holding a maglite and explaining to her what was happening.

 

If you ask her what her most cherished memory is, she'll tell you that it was witnessing the birth of her sister.

[amy g.]

My older children were there for my last two births. Miss Good cut both cords. It worked for us.

[KristenR]

My friend allowed her 7 year old daughter to witness the birth of her little sister in a birthing home. Her 3 sons stayed with me though because she didn't feel comfortable having the boys around. Truthfully, I don't think they wanted to anyway.

 

Her 7 year old stayed for *most* of it but was able to come and go as she pleased. They had a little living room downstairs where she could watch tv.

[Heather in OK]

Kids do a lot better with birth than we expect. They are innocent and don't have enough of society's input on birth to have thoughts that it is "scary".

 

It can also be very special as a family to welcome the little one. :001_wub:

 

Give her a job. It can be as simple as making sure your water is full and fresh. If she would like, get her a camera and let her document the day in pictures.

 

Yes, she can leave the room if she is uncomfortable. If you are ok with having an extra person in the house just for her, arrange that. If not, don't worry about it. With my home births my children were younger than your dd (4 & 2 the first time, 7, 5, almost 3 the second time). I was not at all comfortable having anyone else present in my home so I did not arrange to have someone here just for the children.

 

However, all that said, I always tell my clients, YOU (not your mw, not your dh) MUST be comfortable with whoever you have present. If you think you would labor ok with her there, go for it! If you think it will worry you, don't. Having someone present that Mama isn't comfortable with can dramatically change the course of how a birth goes.

 

I honestly believe that the more children, especially our daughters, can see normal, physiologic birth the more likely we can change birth in this country!!

 

Have a blessed birth!

[Soror]

My kids say they are interested but I don't like people around when birthing- the MW and dh are my max. I'm not sure what to do about the next one- I like the idea but in reality I need a lot of personal space and quiet!

[happypamama]

My DD was present at the births of DS1 and DS2 (she was 3 and 6), and DS1 was at DS2's birth (he was 3). They were fine. We talked about the noise and blood, and we watched some births online, and it was really just no big deal. They were in and out during labor but were thrilled to see the birth. We intended to have all of them at the birth of DS3, but he came super super fast -- we went from "let's try the tub to see if you can relax a bit for the last couple of hours" to "it's a boy" in about a minute, while they were outside picking some flowers for me. DH didn't have time to get them; he almost missed it himself. But they were right there immediately afterward; DS2 (then 2y9m) parked himself next to me and didn't leave. They saw the placenta and all. We didn't freak out, so they figured there was no reason to freak out either.

 

I do tend to be okay with DH being in and out during the labor, so it's okay for him to attend to the other children a bit. It's only the last little while that I've needed him right there with me, and they've been fine for those short periods. I also can yell or groan, but I don't say anything mean or anything like that.

[Embassy]

My 2 year old was present for his brother's birth. No big deal (painful labor for that kid was only 20 minutes). When my youngest was born my boys were 4 and 6 and they did get a little anxious right at the end, but family was there to help them. My kids never had a bird's eye view so they didn't see all the blood. Both were hospital births without pain medication. I think being present at birth created stronger bonds. My kids never had jealousy issues with a new baby.

Edited April 19, 2012 by Wehomeschool

[Momof3littles]

My third was a HB waterbirth. My older two were 6 and 3 at the time and really, really wanted to be there. My previous labors were very calm and tolerable. I had my parents there to provide support to them, take them out of the room, outside, whatever was necessary for my comfort or theirs depending on how things played out at the time. We prepped by watching lots of youtube videos, mostly of hypnobirthing births or other calmer births...some with some loud pushing, grunting, etc. but I just explained how the mom is working really hard right then. I went into labor in the middle of the night, was able to labor with the kids asleep for almost the whole thing. When I was getting close DH woke the kids up, they came down, were super excited and were right there when DS2 was born. They didn't find it scary at all. If I wasn't comfortable, they would have remained asleep or my parents would have taken care of them. I was pretty confident that my labor would be pretty calm, because that's just how I am in labor. I can understand how some moms would not want to feel restricted, and want to be as vocal as necessary, or how some kids might find vocalization a bit scary or worrisome.

 

THey both remember it vividly, and they are 5 and 8 now.

 

When my DD was born, my DS1 was at the birth center, but out of the room with my parents. They all came in about 2 mins after DD was born. He was under 3, still very sensitive, and I wasn't sure how my labor with her would be in the pushing phase. It was the right decision for us at the time, as was including the kids for my 3rd birth.

 

eta: I have a background in a medical field, and am very comfortable with biology, blood, you name it, and I think part of that rubs off onto my kids. I think the prep was valuable...they saw and knew about vernix and talked about it when they saw it floating in the water of my birth pool before baby came out, and then once baby was born. Stuff like that helped make it more comfortable for them I think. We spent a good bit of time prepping and talking and looking at photos of babies being born.

Edited April 19, 2012 by Momof3littles

[Jennay]

I saw my youngest brother being born. I was 12. It was amazing. I was allowed to hold him right after he was born. That being said, it was my mom's 5th baby, he came very fast, and she has a very high tolerance for pain. I can still remember the lady down the hall screaming her head off...lol.

[Gentlemommy]

My oldest dd (7 now) watched both of her younger sisters being born at home. Dd2 came when dd1 was a few weeks shy of 3, and dd3 came when dd1 was 5. She loved watching, and my midwife was wonderful with her, letting her help in anyway she could. I think it was a really beautiful thing for her to see.:001_smile:

[BakersDozen]

I love the fact that my dds were at two of my deliveries. They were 10 and 12yo (I think). They thought it was neat and I loved that they were able to share in that time. I did, however, have an epidural. Had I not there is no way I'd want my dds to witness the last few minutes of me having a baby. 110% birth control for life! ;)

[Mimm]

I witnessed two of my siblings' births (my mother gave birth four times at home). I wasn't traumatized. I was more traumatized by watching the birth videos they showed at childbirth classes while I was pregnant. I took Bradley classes with the goal of giving birth without drugs (which I was able to do). Every week during those classes, I would be fine then class would roll around and the instructor would show us videos (she was a midwife and the videos were of home births or birthing center births that she had attended) and I just had the hardest time seeing these women in pain and I was convinced all over again that I couldn't do it. I know that was the opposite effect they were intended to have. ;) Anyway, I know that's a tangent. I think it would depend on the personality of the child.

[NASDAQ]

I feel icky thinking about my kids seeing me that way. My three-year-old is obsessed with anatomy and he asks too many questions already.

[PrincessMommy]

my kids were at the birth of their siblings. I also got someone to watch them, just in case - but the kids were so excited to be able to see their sibling being born.

 

I found it helped me to focus. Between contractions I would talk to the kids and tell them I was okay, my moaning and vocalizing just meant the baby was getting closer. I remember I talked with them about it beforehand too, so they knew what to expect.

[jenn&charles]

My daughter watched both her brothers being born. My oldest son was there with her when my youngest was born. He was 4 at the time. I don't think I would have had him there if he had been much older. I would have allowed my daughter to attend any subsequent births. I didn't have any more kids though. ;)

My midwife's daughter was also at my last birth. She was like family and I knew her since she was a little tike. She was in high school at the time.

I'm glad my kids were there. They handled it just fine and were excited to welcome their brother and be a part of everything.

Edited April 20, 2012 by jenn&charles

[Mrs.Shawn]

110% birth control for life! ;)

 

:lol:

[Mrs.Shawn]

Kids do a lot better with birth than we expect. They are innocent and don't have enough of society's input on birth to have thoughts that it is "scary".

 

It can also be very special as a family to welcome the little one. :001_wub:

 

Give her a job. It can be as simple as making sure your water is full and fresh. If she would like, get her a camera and let her document the day in pictures.

 

Yes, she can leave the room if she is uncomfortable. If you are ok with having an extra person in the house just for her, arrange that. If not, don't worry about it. With my home births my children were younger than your dd (4 & 2 the first time, 7, 5, almost 3 the second time). I was not at all comfortable having anyone else present in my home so I did not arrange to have someone here just for the children.

 

However, all that said, I always tell my clients, YOU (not your mw, not your dh) MUST be comfortable with whoever you have present. If you think you would labor ok with her there, go for it! If you think it will worry you, don't. Having someone present that Mama isn't comfortable with can dramatically change the course of how a birth goes.

 

I honestly believe that the more children, especially our daughters, can see normal, physiologic birth the more likely we can change birth in this country!!

 

Have a blessed birth!

 

Good input! I am totally okay with her being present. I actually think it would be great for her to witness the birth. Her 10 yr old brother has zero interest in being present, and my 14 year old niece who will be with us for the entire summer may or may not want to watch. I'm okay with any of them as long as they're not goofing off, which I highly doubt they would be. Also, I'm not a yeller/screamer/curser during labor so I'm not concerned about vocalizations either.

[Lisbeth]

Minority opinion here... I would never do this. I would feel like I was doing it more for my own romantic notion of sibling bonding than for them. That is just my own personal feelings. I don't think young kids should see mom bleeding and in pain.

[mommymilkies]

I wouldn't push it if they don't want to, but I let my kids watch my last two births. My ds did not want to, which was fine. He's weird about blood. My girls were the photographers and thought it was the coolest thing ever. They still talk about how my youngest looked in the caul when she was born! They aren't traumatized in the least. They love watching animal birth videos, too!

[CourtneyBrooke]

My daughter was four when she saw her twin brothers being born in the hospital. Absolutely no issues at all, even at 2 am!

 

All three of them (DD age 8 and twin boys age 4) were present at the homebirth of their sister. Their request. They were enthralled, and though it wasn't as pleasant and quiet as my others (since I didn't have pain meds this time!) the noise didn't scare them like I thought it might. My step mom was there to take them if they were uncomfortable, but she didn't need to.

[jennsmile]

When number 2 came oldest was 2 1/2 he ended up going the Grandma & Grandpa for a sleepover and I had baby in the wee hours of the night. He met him later that morning.

 

When number 3 came oldest was 6 and middle was 3. We were at a birth center and the plan was to have them in there for the birth. I didn't labor to long and the 3 yo kept coming to check on me with Grandma. He handled it very well. I think my oldest might have come a time or two. The cord was wrapped around the neck and had to be cut while baby was in the birth canal, so we didn't call them back for the birth but they came and saw baby immediately.

 

When number 4 came the plan was grandma was to babysit, all my kids go late. Nope this one showed up the day grandma was out of town. My boys 9,6,&3 vegged in front of Netflix. My youngest did come in a time or two and see me but would catch me in the middle of a contraction and leave by the time I could talk. Nobody had any interest in seeing the birth. We called them in when he got here but they left soon after, as I was delivering the placenta so they went back to netflix.. They did have more questions about the placenta and umbilical cord this time.

 

So despite my thoughts of having my kids at births it hasn't happened yet, I would be flexible and leave it up to her. If she needs somebody to be with her and explain things or take her to another room if things go crazy than make sure that happens. Choose somebody comfortable with your birthing choices. My mom is fine with homebirth and midwives, MIL is not in my case.

[jennsmile]

Minority opinion here... I would never do this. I would feel like I was doing it more for my own romantic notion of sibling bonding than for them. That is just my own personal feelings. I don't think young kids should see mom bleeding and in pain.

 

Everybody is entitled to their opinion. I think speaking up when you are in the minority takes courage so thank you for sharing. :grouphug:

[Marie131]

My 2nd and 3rd babies were both home births and each very different. My 2nd birth was very mellow, relaxed, easy..my son (then 2) walked in and out of the room as he wanted. Telling me he loved me :) I don't remember how much he saw at birth, but he was around. I loved it. My 3rd baby was a hard birth, I had a hard time coping with the pain but I found the presence of my children (then 5 and 2.5) really calming. They were kept away from me a lot during the whole process and I really regret that. I'm hoping for another home birth this time and I will allow my children to come and go as they please.

 

I would encourage you to consider having another adult in the house to care for your children. Not just b/c you are going to fully need your hb's support 100% but also in the event of a hospital transfer.

[Marie131]

My 2nd and 3rd babies were both home births and each very different. My 2nd birth was very mellow, relaxed, easy..my son (then 2) walked in and out of the room as he wanted. Telling me he loved me :) I don't remember how much he saw at birth, but he was around. I loved it. He still remembers it, it was a positive experience for us both. My 3rd baby was a hard birth, I had a hard time coping with the pain but I found the presence of my children (then 5 and 2.5) really calming. They were kept away from me a lot during the whole process and I really regret that. I'm hoping for another home birth this time and I will allow my children to come and go as they please.

[CroppinIt]

I would be extremely wary with an 8yo. If something bad should happen, if something should slip out (physically or verbally), or if anything else discomforting should happen, you won't be able to deal with it. Plus, at that age, just because they think they want to be there doesn't necessarily mean they'll want to stay there once the activity actually begins.

 

If you choose to allow this, I would have an adult there specifically for the 8yo and no other responsibilities but to answer questions, hold her hand, and take her out of the room at the first sign of problem.

[Jann in TX]

My first 2 births were short labors--unmedicated.

 

My girls wanted to be in the room with me and I thought 'why not?'.

 

Lets just say that while labor was short (just a few hours) the delivery did not go smoothly. The room was tense and a resuscitation team was brought in. At least the room was 'L' shaped and the girls had room to turn away (well, 9yr old looked). Baby was born 'lifeless' with an apgar of 1 after they worked on her for a while in front of us... Even though baby came through it OK in the end (no lasting problems), it is still traumatic for ALL of us to think about.

 

I wish I could have spared my girls that trauma... middle dd (the 9yr old then) will probably never have children of her own. Seriously.

[jennsmile]

My first 2 births were short labors--unmedicated.

 

My girls wanted to be in the room with me and I thought 'why not?'.

 

Lets just say that while labor was short (just a few hours) the delivery did not go smoothly. The room was tense and a resuscitation team was brought in. At least the room was 'L' shaped and the girls had room to turn away (well, 9yr old looked). Baby was born 'lifeless' with an apgar of 1 after they worked on her for a while in front of us... Even though baby came through it OK in the end (no lasting problems), it is still traumatic for ALL of us to think about.

 

I wish I could have spared my girls that trauma... middle dd (the 9yr old then) will probably never have children of her own. Seriously.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I am sorry you had to experience that. I had a baby that needed oxygen and then later I fainted. Still hard to think about, but I can't imagine my baby being born lifeless. Glad things turned out okay. :grouphug:

[Melissa in Australia]

I was 10 when I saw my brother getting born ( home birth) My mother paid me to do the clean up. It turned me off having a home birth completely. My dad, who has a very quirky sense of humor put the afterbirth in a casserole dish and told me it was for dinner :001_huh:

Hospital all the way for me, with cleaners.

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

I haven't read the replies, so I'll just share our experience.

 

I had a homebirth with kid number 3, and my son (not quite 5yo) and daughter (not quite 3 yo) were present. I had my husband, two midwives, a friend (who is also a doula) and another friend with me. The two friends had as their mission to keep the two kids happy. When the kids wandered over to where I was laboring, they explained what was goind on, big smilies, and when the kids wandered off, they engaged them in art activities and play. At the moment of birth, the kids were in the room. My husband held our son, and our daughter was up on the bed near my head, though she turned away for a few minutes at the most intense bit.

 

Both did great, and their lasting memory was "Mommy was so LOUD!" Something I had talked about with them ahead of time. We watched a lot of birth videos on youtube ahead of time so they could get used to the sounds and actions of women in labor.

 

When I ask them about it now, they talk about the boat they made out of a cardboard box with our friends, how loud I was, and how cool the umbilical cord was. lol.