Just a normal 12yr old girl, or something more?

[k2bdeutmeyer]

**Note: DD has a history of anxiety, ADD, and depression. This is the child that likes to be in control of everything. She doesn't want to just be treated equally, she wants to be put on a pedestal and have special treatment. She is constanly picking on her siblings (beyond what I would consider "normal"). She is angered very easily & instead of just getting a little mad, she flies off the handle about something relatively minor.**

 

Okay, that being said, here is what happened tonight:

 

Shaylyn is sitting on the loveseat. DD5yr is sitting near her. DD5 is pestering her with questions. Shaylyn asks her to stop. DD5 keeps asking questions. Shaylyn says very meanly "STOP! I'm going downstairs, and if you try to follow me, so help me....."

 

DH stops her calmly and firmly tells her that she does not need to speak to her sister that way. She sasses back something about how DD5 was annoying her with questions. DH reminds her that she is a lot like that to me....and maybe she should have a little more patience with it. She sasses back, "What right do YOU have to say that? You're not even here during the day." and storms off downstairs. DH lets her go.

 

I, then get a text from Shaylyn saying:

 

"I try to be nice and woopdeedo he's mad. Malea would no tleave me alone asking questions and hovering so finally I say I'm going downstairs, if you follow me......and he says woah stop and I know it was rude but I needed her to leave me alone for a second. He says well you don't annoy me and your mom all the time? I hate him. And he thinks I'm the one with a problem? I'm not trying anymore. I'm not getting anywhere. I give up. I'm done. Zip. Zilch. Zero. Nada.

 

And you always take HIS side no matter what. I came first. He isn't my dad. He replaced my dad. I'm nothing to him other than something that came with the package and I don't care anymore.

 

Why can't I be normal mom? With a normal set of parents. I just want a normal family. I just want it to be average."

 

So....low self esteem? Depression? Anxiety? Normal 12yr old? What do you make of this?

 

I'm tired.

[Pegasus]

I have a 12-yo girl and it sounds perfectly normal to me, to be honest. Your DD is just being more open and verbal about it. My DD clams up but is clearly mad and won't have anything to do with whoever made her mad until she calms down. She will sometimes write down her feelings and yes, it includes things like I HATE MOM, if she is mad at me.

 

Does she have a private place of her own to go whenever she needs to? My DD will retreat to her room until she is in a better place, emotionally, to handle being around other non-perfect humans.

 

Pegasus

[clarkacademy]

Sounds like she is not fond of her step-dad. I would allow her to openly discuss that with you but in no way would any child of mine talk that way. That would not be accepted and she would be in trouble for it. I would have time to talk and vent with her but make it clear that will not be tolerated.

 

Good luck, I was that girl at 14. We have a wonderful relationship now but it took years and years to get that way. I didn't call him dad until I was well into my 20's

[kalanamak]

 

So....low self esteem? Depression? Anxiety? Normal 12yr old? What do you make of this?

 

I'm tired.

 

Personally, I'd ignore it the way one ignores the audible fart in a room of civilized people.

[Nakia]

Sounds like she tried to get away from the situation that was annoying her, and I think that's pretty mature. Her choice of words could have been better, but that's something you can work on with her.

 

My 11 year old is difficult; I get it. It's really hard to know what's normal and what's...just not.

 

Is her relationship with your dh always rough?

 

:grouphug:

[bettyandbob]

sounds like she was frustrated and she deals with frustration poorly.

 

12yogs who deal with frustration poorly take whatever out on people. She will find to most painful button to push. "Step" is a pretty painful button. Until she learns better coping skills she will put a lot of wear on that button.

[MamaT]

It sounds normal to me. My oldest dd was like that at 12. I didn't know if I was going to make it some days. I had already raised three boys through puberty, and thought I had it down. Girls are a different animal altogether. :001_smile:

 

She is just using the step-dad thing because that's what she has. If it wasn't that, it would be something else. I had to really practice not reacting to my dd emotionally. I would agree with ignoring her text. Love on her tons, invest some one-on-one time with her, and tell her often about her qualities that you admire. When my dd got really nasty, I would tell her to go to her room until she felt like she could be kind to others. Do not let her engage you in emotional back and forth stuff. That never ends well.

 

:grouphug: 12 is a tough age for girls (and their moms).

[*********]

Wow, that's tough Kristin.

 

I didn't know your dh was your dd's stepdad. But I was ONE sentence into reading what she texted you and thought "Hunh, he must be her stepdad", before I even got to where you explained that.

 

Stepparent/stepchild relationships are SO complicated. I have a stepmom, and I *am* a stepmom; I know of what I speak. :)

 

It is good that she will talk to you. And a lot of what she said is just normal kid stuff; like how you take his side (well, yeah, since he's probably right! :tongue_smilie:), and how she just came with the package (that's just the truth, even if it is a bit blunt).

 

Sounds like instead of talking to HER about it, maybe talk to your dh? Does he 'get' that she is a bit more sensitive about how he speaks to her than he may realize? I can see how saying 'Oh, and *you* don't do that you me and your mom?!' could be a bit hurtful if even a bio parent said it, let alone a stepparent.

 

See, the thing is that bioparent/kids have a build in connection, and therefore let a lot more 'slide' that step parents/kids. It just *is*, iykwim. Dss and dsd have a bond with their dad and their mom that I'll just never have with them. And to be fair, I have a bond with my boys that I'll never have with my stepkids. Now, that's not to say that my stepkids and I can't or don't have a great relationship. I think we get along rather well. :001_smile: But I am honest with myself and them about the fact that I don't expect them to feel the same toward me as they do their mom or dad.

 

Now that's not to say they don't have to be respectful to me, or that I can mistreat them. Not at all. It's just being aware of the diffence in relationships, which helps me regulate my interactions with them differently than with my boys.

 

I like to use the example of prehaps a niece. If your dh has a niece that came to live with him to be raised, he would likely have a different sort of bond with her than with his bio kids; and she likely would feel differently about him than her bio dad. But that doesn't mean it's BAD; it's just different. Now, add to that the fact that your dd and dh are not only NOT blood related, but they didn't really CHOOSE to live with one another. Well, at least your dd didn't. She had no say in you and your dh getting married. Now your dh did, of course, but unless your dd was quite a terror as a little one, :tongue_smilie:, people marrying others who already have children usually just assume things will 'work out', and they'll all be one big happy family. Ask me how I know. :D

 

Keep reinforcing with your dd that she doesn't have to like her stepdad, but she must be respectful. Just the same as she must be respectful to you even when she doesn't like you. ;) Perhaps at a time when she's calm, ask her if she sincerely feels like your dh treats her differently than her little siblings. Ask her to give you examples and specifics. Then be honest with yourself about if she has a point or not. If she does, then that's something you and your dh need to talk about in private.

 

:grouphug: to you dear. It's a trick thing, this stepparenting.

[bzymom]

Normal from what I have experienced.

 

And for what it is worth, giving her a place to retreat and a graceful way to do so might reduce some of the escalation. If sis is driving her bonkers, can she come to you and quietly state that she needs a break and will be going to her room/outside/basement/wherever for a bit? Sometimes teaching a new way to do it is easier.

 

But she would owe several apologies for this episode here.:grouphug: Hang in there.

[AK_Mom4]

Sounds normal. I would ignore it EXCEPT.....

 

I would personally start coming down like a hammer on that 5yo. We have a similiar age-gap with DD18 and DD10. When DD10 was little, the girls shared a room and younger DD was terrible about not respecting her older sister's need for privacy and personal time. In fact, it was her favorite way to torment the older kids when she was bored - asking questions and demanding attention. Enforcing little DD's behavior went a long way towards my girls getting along better.

 

I can see that this would be especially true if you have step-sibling dynamics going on (where older DD thinks your DH is not disciplining little DD because she is "his kid"). In fairness, your DH should have stepped in when older DD asked the younger to stop - stepped in on behalf of your older DD. Make sure the little one is respecting her sister's space and things will probably go better.

[Shellers]

This sounds completely normal to me. At this age she's wanting space, if it wasn't the "step-father" thing, it would be something else.

 

I have three girls, 21, 16, and 14. My middle girl has a long history of depression and anxiety.

[Melinda in VT]

Sounds normal. I would ignore it EXCEPT.....

 

I would personally start coming down like a hammer on that 5yo. We have a similiar age-gap with DD18 and DD10. When DD10 was little, the girls shared a room and younger DD was terrible about not respecting her older sister's need for privacy and personal time. In fact, it was her favorite way to torment the older kids when she was bored - asking questions and demanding attention. Enforcing little DD's behavior went a long way towards my girls getting along better.

 

I can see that this would be especially true if you have step-sibling dynamics going on (where older DD thinks your DH is not disciplining little DD because she is "his kid"). In fairness, your DH should have stepped in when older DD asked the younger to stop - stepped in on behalf of your older DD. Make sure the little one is respecting her sister's space and things will probably go better.

 

:iagree: We also have big gaps between kids here. Those little ones sure know how to push buttons.

[mumto2]

It sounds pretty normal to me.

 

Does she have friends that are dramatic in similar ways? I have noticed that my DD13 seems to mimic her friends and their issues. If one friend doesn't get along with a younger brother, DD's is a terrible pest etc. I remember actually wanting drama when I was that age. I think it is normal, probably hormonal behavior.

:grouphug:

[k2bdeutmeyer]

If I'm 100% honest, little DD very rarely intentionally annoys older DD. I honestly can't think of a time where she went out of her way to bug her right now. NOW, she does bother her by constantly wanting to be involved in everything she does and we DO try to step in with that, especially when it gets out of hand. Older DD would like to dictate and nitpick EVERYTHING little DD is allowed to do around her, but have free reign herself.

 

Older DD has said more than once that she is jealous of little DD, because "she's so perfect and never does anything wrong". She says that is why she is always mean to her. We once spent a week or so pointing out all the times little DD got in trouble just so older DD could see that her perspective was skewed. Little DD does have a very sweet personality, but she definitely has her share of wrongdoings!

 

DD and DHs relationship is always strained. He can't say ANYTHING to her without her getting upset/mad. She doesn't want to be treated fairly like she claims, she wants special treatment & to feel MORE important than everyone else. I try to give her one on one time, but it almost feels like it backfires. She seems to think she should be included in EVERYTHING I do.

 

Boy.....that was kinda disjointed. Sorry. Hope it makes sense.

[MomatHWTK]

Particularly with the ADD, etc. it is VERY hard for me and my oldest (both ADD/ADHD) to tolerate the constant pestering of questions. The best thing we can do is walk away sometimes. If Ds can't get away when he feels like he's going to blow, then he's kind of stuck. If the other child is allowed to pursue, then he's trapped. That's pretty much a no-win situation.

 

If she was already pushed past her limits by the younger child, and then your DH decided to add to the pressure, yeah- she's going to blow. I probably couldn't stop myself from blowing in that situation. (Not that my lack of self-control is a good thing, but I know my limits!)

 

She vented in the text. But, she's telling you that she needs help, she needs space and she needs understanding. If she doesn't get those, then the agressiveness and hostility will probably continue. Is she in therapy for any of her conditions? Medication? Those are serious issues to have to try to navigate on your own.

Edited March 23, 2012 by MomatHWTK

[Lolly]

Sounds normal. I would ignore it EXCEPT.....

 

I would personally start coming down like a hammer on that 5yo. We have a similiar age-gap with DD18 and DD10. When DD10 was little, the girls shared a room and younger DD was terrible about not respecting her older sister's need for privacy and personal time. In fact, it was her favorite way to torment the older kids when she was bored - asking questions and demanding attention. Enforcing little DD's behavior went a long way towards my girls getting along better.

 

I can see that this would be especially true if you have step-sibling dynamics going on (where older DD thinks your DH is not disciplining little DD because she is "his kid"). In fairness, your DH should have stepped in when older DD asked the younger to stop - stepped in on behalf of your older DD. Make sure the little one is respecting her sister's space and things will probably go better.

 

:iagree:Also, you might want to make sure to have some special time set aside every. single. week for you and your older dd to go and do something together just the two of you. Just my perception, but from reading your posts I know a little bit about your younger dd. Everything you have to say about her seems to be positive. That is really not the case with the elder. Is it possible that maybe you and your dh need to work on your attitude toward her? Could she be fulfilling your expectations?

[k2bdeutmeyer]

:iagree:Also, you might want to make sure to have some special time set aside every. single. week for you and your older dd to go and do something together just the two of you. Just my perception, but from reading your posts I know a little bit about your younger dd. Everything you have to say about her seems to be positive. That is really not the case with the elder. Is it possible that maybe you and your dh need to work on your attitude toward her? Could she be fulfilling your expectations?

 

Well, yes and no. We have been working on our attitudes toward and with her for several years. She makes it very hard! She has high expectations (often unreasonable) for her role in life, the family, etc and has zero tolerance for not reaching them. She wants to be on control of everything and gets angry and mean when she isn't. It's a daily battle......and I'm really just tired.

 

She is a smart, funny girl....really, but she makes it very hard to love on her.

 

Also wanted to add...this carries over into other aspects of her life too. She's fine in outside activities until she's not the golden child. As soon as she is treated equally she gets upset & we start a battle of wills with the coach/teacher.

Edited March 23, 2012 by k2bdeutmeyer

[meggie]

What I would have done:

 

"DD5, she asked you politely to stop pestering her. You need to listen and respect people's boundaries. DD11, we don't talk to people like that. It's good that you asked nicely the first time, but next time please come get me to help if she's annoying you.

 

DD5, what do you say?"

 

DD5: "Sorry DD12 for annoying you, I won't do it again."

 

Me: "DD12, what do you say?"

 

DD12: "Sorry DD5 for being rude, I won't do it again."

 

Granted, mine are only 6 and 2, and I really know nothing:lol:, but they constantly get on each other's nerves and this is the only way to keep it civil.

 

As for her attitude, yes that seems pretty normal to me. But I've seen too many sibling interactions to have one party go undisciplined. However unintentional it was on DD5's part, she needs to start learning when to stop. Otherwise she will start learning that she can quietly pester older sister until sister explodes and gets in trouble. It's a classic sibling move. Not saying she's doing that yet, but I wouldn't be surprised if eventually she did.

[Denisemomof4]

I am not a fan of Dr Phil. He may be very good but I maybe see five of his shows annually. The ones I am particularly interested in are those which focus On out of control kids. It just so happens that I was one this week when I couldn't sleep and it was on out of control kids.

 

He said, and it makes sense, that the step parent does NOT parent a step child. you married your dh, your dd did not.

 

I am not familiar with blended families but I think a family counselor who specializes in them wou,d be a great resource for you all.

 

In the meantime, what I understand is that your dh's role is to support you as YOU parent your dd. He has no riht to. You married your dh. She had no choice.

:grouphug: i hope you can find peace and joy for everyone!

[Denisemomof4]

If I'm 100% honest, little DD very rarely intentionally annoys older DD. I honestly can't think of a time where she went out of her way to bug her right now. NOW, she does bother her by constantly wanting to be involved in everything she does and we DO try to step in with that, especially when it gets out of hand. Older DD would like to dictate and nitpick EVERYTHING little DD is allowed to do around her, but have free reign herself.

 

Older DD has said more than once that she is jealous of little DD, because "she's so perfect and never does anything wrong". She says that is why she is always mean to her. We once spent a week or so pointing out all the times little DD got in trouble just so older DD could see that her perspective was skewed. Little DD does have a very sweet personality, but she definitely has her share of wrongdoings!

 

DD and DHs relationship is always strained. He can't say ANYTHING to her without her getting upset/mad. She doesn't want to be treated fairly like she claims, she wants special treatment & to feel MORE important than everyone else. I try to give her one on one time, but it almost feels like it backfires. She seems to think she should be included in EVERYTHING I do.

 

Boy.....that was kinda disjointed. Sorry. Hope it makes sense.

 

Loooking at the ages of you kids makes me think the younger two are your dh's? If so, can you not understand how u wanted she must feel in the midst of your family, especially with raging hormones?

 

I get it because I only have one adopted kid. I wanted to adopt more so she wouldn't be the only one but NO WAY. I can u derstand how she, and your dd, must feel like outcasts. In your dd's situation, though, I do think she requires more of your time alne, and I do believe all parenting should come from you alone. I think it would be a GREAT idea for the two of you to work things out with the guidance of a counselor. And lunch, walks, etc. Alone.

[Denisemomof4]

Well, yes and no. We have been working on our attitudes toward and with her for several years. She makes it very hard! She has high expectations (often unreasonable) for her role in life, the family, etc and has zero tolerance for not reaching them. She wants to be on control of everything and gets angry and mean when she isn't. It's a daily battle......and I'm really just tired.

 

She is a smart, funny girl....really, but she makes it very hard to love on her.

 

Also wanted to add...this carries over into other aspects of her life too. She's fine in outside activities until she's not the golden child. As soon as she is treated equally she gets upset & we start a battle of wills with the coach/teacher.

totally sounds like my RAD dd only milder. You have my sympathies.:grouphug:

[katilac]

First of all, I think your dd is doing an amazing job of explaining complicated emotions via text. :D

 

Second, I don't see her reaction as particularly severe or rude, and I do wonder why no one stopped younger dd from pestering in the first place.

 

Generally speaking, it's going to be a very tense situation when a stepparent corrects a stepkid 'in favor of' the bio kid. It should be avoided at almost all costs. In this situation, dd12 was leaving the room, and I think him correcting her at that point was a big mistake. No one denies that she was being pestered, and no one stopped lil sis from doing so. I'd say leaving the room with one rude remark was a pretty good response.

 

Again, your dd is doing an amazing job of articulating her feelings: her dad has been replaced, she's only in the family as part of your package deal and not b/c she's wanted for herself, she's trying and is still being found wanting. Those are legitimate feelings, not necessarily a sign of anxiety or depression or self-centeredness. I'm not saying all of her feelings are accurate or true, but they are REAL, and they are reasonable (not just her being dramatic).

 

In this particular scenario, first fault goes to stepdad for not stopping the pestering (and to you, if you were also in the room). dd does a pretty-good-for-12 job of defusing things by leaving, but he amps things back up by correcting her. The comment about her annoying you and him all the time was spectacularly misguided, particularly to a stepkid, imo.

 

I'm not trying to discount all you say about her behavior at other times, but the fact is, that was not her behavior THIS time. Her behavior was pretty reasonable, and her later response was reasonable. And she is being open about what she feels and needs, in what is honestly a very non-melodramatic way for a 12 yr old stepkid, and I think you both really need to listen. She feels like her dad was replaced, and I'd be mighty surprised if she doesn't feel like she was replaced, with this easygoing kid who is still at the cute stage and who, let's face it, is the full bio kid.

 

Are you guys in family counseling, or would you consider it?

[TXBeth]

Sounds normal. I would ignore it EXCEPT.....

 

I would personally start coming down like a hammer on that 5yo. We have a similiar age-gap with DD18 and DD10. When DD10 was little, the girls shared a room and younger DD was terrible about not respecting her older sister's need for privacy and personal time. In fact, it was her favorite way to torment the older kids when she was bored - asking questions and demanding attention. Enforcing little DD's behavior went a long way towards my girls getting along better.

 

I can see that this would be especially true if you have step-sibling dynamics going on (where older DD thinks your DH is not disciplining little DD because she is "his kid"). In fairness, your DH should have stepped in when older DD asked the younger to stop - stepped in on behalf of your older DD. Make sure the little one is respecting her sister's space and things will probably go better.

 

:iagree:

 

First of all, I think your dd is doing an amazing job of explaining complicated emotions via text. :D

 

Second, I don't see her reaction as particularly severe or rude, and I do wonder why no one stopped younger dd from pestering in the first place.

 

Generally speaking, it's going to be a very tense situation when a stepparent corrects a stepkid 'in favor of' the bio kid. It should be avoided at almost all costs. In this situation, dd12 was leaving the room, and I think him correcting her at that point was a big mistake. No one denies that she was being pestered, and no one stopped lil sis from doing so. I'd say leaving the room with one rude remark was a pretty good response.

 

Again, your dd is doing an amazing job of articulating her feelings: her dad has been replaced, she's only in the family as part of your package deal and not b/c she's wanted for herself, she's trying and is still being found wanting. Those are legitimate feelings, not necessarily a sign of anxiety or depression or self-centeredness. I'm not saying all of her feelings are accurate or true, but they are REAL, and they are reasonable (not just her being dramatic).

 

In this particular scenario, first fault goes to stepdad for not stopping the pestering (and to you, if you were also in the room). dd does a pretty-good-for-12 job of defusing things by leaving, but he amps things back up by correcting her. The comment about her annoying you and him all the time was spectacularly misguided, particularly to a stepkid, imo.

 

I'm not trying to discount all you say about her behavior at other times, but the fact is, that was not her behavior THIS time. Her behavior was pretty reasonable, and her later response was reasonable. And she is being open about what she feels and needs, in what is honestly a very non-melodramatic way for a 12 yr old stepkid, and I think you both really need to listen. She feels like her dad was replaced, and I'd be mighty surprised if she doesn't feel like she was replaced, with this easygoing kid who is still at the cute stage and who, let's face it, is the full bio kid.

 

Are you guys in family counseling, or would you consider it?

 

:iagree: completely! Based on your description of what happened, I really don't understand why any blame is being put on ODD? Yes, she probably shouldn't have said "if you follow me, so help me..." as it is a veiled threat, but if she had said simply "Do not follow me" then I couldn't see anything wrong with what she did. It definitely wasn't a good idea for your DH to call her on the comment at that moment; she was in the process of removing herself from a bad situation. Good for her! Her text to you made perfect sense and I think it was reasonable for her to feel that way based on what had happened. YDD was pestering and wouldn't stop after being asked to. Instead of getting violent or being really mean, ODD took the high road and left the room with a fairly mild rude comment. And yet...she is the one who got reprimanded. Seems backwards.

[tex-mex]

If anything, family counseling may be the ticket for the oldest dd and stepfather to come to terms. The behavior was melodramatic, but she is a girl and it could be hormones, insecurity, rejection, or whatever. She sounds like this is a life pattern (behavior) and may need a safe mentor or therapist to talk to about the angst so future life issues won't get skewed. Again, normal for blended families.

[KidsHappen]

Why can't I be normal mom? With a normal set of parents. I just want a normal family. I just want it to be average."

 

Every tween/teenage girl thinks the same thing regardless of their circumstances.

 

 

I'm tired.

 

 

And every mom thinks this once in awhile.

 

Totally normal 12 year old frustration and sass. How you handle it is up to your family but no it is not radically outside the norm. It did get better with my girls around the age of 15 - 16.

[clarkacademy]

:iagree:

 

 

 

:iagree: completely! Based on your description of what happened, I really don't understand why any blame is being put on ODD? Yes, she probably shouldn't have said "if you follow me, so help me..." as it is a veiled threat, but if she had said simply "Do not follow me" then I couldn't see anything wrong with what she did. It definitely wasn't a good idea for your DH to call her on the comment at that moment; she was in the process of removing herself from a bad situation. Good for her! Her text to you made perfect sense and I think it was reasonable for her to feel that way based on what had happened. YDD was pestering and wouldn't stop after being asked to. Instead of getting violent or being really mean, ODD took the high road and left the room with a fairly mild rude comment. And yet...she is the one who got reprimanded. Seems backwards.

 

But she did not simply say don't follow me she did threaten. Why is it not OK for a authority figure to comment that that was not OK?

 

To me a threat is not a fairly rude comment, it is a threat. I would expect my 12 year old daughter to act a bit more mature than to threaten a little kid. She has a right to her feelings, she has a right to speak her feelings...in a responsible way that is.

 

Is it not the time we teach our child about respect and proper ways to deal with our emotions? The little kid is 5 she shold be talked to about not aggravating people yet she is being a normal 5 year old that doesn't mean the older child should get special attention because she is the step daughter.

[k2bdeutmeyer]

I was actually not home when this happened. I had run to the store for a few things.

 

Had I been home, I likely would've handled it very similarly (right or wrong, lol). I can't say whether I would've intervened on little DD or not. It depends on if she was truly pestering (even unintentionally) or if older DD was being unreasonable in her expectations. I suspect that older DD was playing her DS on the loveseat and younger DD was wanting to watch and was asking questions like "what happens if you go over there" or "who is that guy", that sort of thing. Based on past behavior, I would bet that older DD's request of little DD to stop was said in a very rude manner - I can't describe it. She has this way of sounding very harsh/rude/angry. At that point, I likely would have asked littled DD to back off and older DD to watch her tone.

 

Had things continued in the same manner, I can say for certain that I would've stopped her and corrected her tone/threat on the leaving comment. I agree, it probably wasn't the right time to bring up how she often does the same thing to me, however, knowing myself, I might have seen the opportunity for a teaching lesson while the emotions were still there and might have done the same. The point wasn't to say "well, you do it too" it was "remember how this feels"....although, admittedly, it probably wasn't good timing.

 

Regarding "blame".....I don't think any blame was put anywhere. We talked to DD later last night....we discussed a better way for handling the situation next time. She, on her own, stated that she didn't mean what she said (in the text) and that she was just frustrated with little DD. This is the normal pattern. She really is a very smart girl and can be so objective later. It is amazing for her age sometimes. I think I just get tired of every.little.thing escalating to that level of anger.

 

It usually means a mean outburst (to me) about DH and CONSTANT picking on her sister. She will ask her to play and then do anything she can think of to torture her (run out of the room and turn the light off knowing DD is scared of the dark, entice her to go somewhere only to run off and hide where DD can't find her, pick/pull/flick at her, grab food off her plate knowing it will make her scream, etc....).

 

Like I said, I think I'm just tired.

[PiCO]

Sounds normal. I would ignore it EXCEPT.....

 

I would personally start coming down like a hammer on that 5yo.

 

:iagree:

 

Second children figure out pretty young how to get under the older sibling's skin and get him/her in trouble. Just ask my brother... or my older dd.

 

And it's easy to miss it. I don't think it's the younger sibling being "mean"... it's just convenient, amusing, etc.

 

My older dd used to get in trouble all the time from dh for not "taking care" of her little sister. Dh said older dd had control over the situation, because she was 5 yrs older. He did not see that younger sister was ALWAYS instigating in little ways, pushing older dd over the brink after hours of pestering. The only reason I saw it was because I had been there, done that.

 

It's difficult to take a younger child's side above an older sibling, especially if they are much older. But it takes two to tango, so I would make sure they both are held responsible, not just the 12-yo.

[Stacy in NJ]

It sounds normal to me. My oldest dd was like that at 12. I didn't know if I was going to make it some days. I had already raised three boys through puberty, and thought I had it down. Girls are a different animal altogether. :001_smile:

 

She is just using the step-dad thing because that's what she has. If it wasn't that, it would be something else. I had to really practice not reacting to my dd emotionally. I would agree with ignoring her text. Love on her tons, invest some one-on-one time with her, and tell her often about her qualities that you admire. When my dd got really nasty, I would tell her to go to her room until she felt like she could be kind to others. Do not let her engage you in emotional back and forth stuff. That never ends well.

 

:grouphug: 12 is a tough age for girls (and their moms).

 

:iagree:

 

I have a teen boy, not a girl, but some boys go through the same "who am I and how do I fit into this world" process. Girls may be a bit more verbal, though.

 

I agree that it's normal and with the advice to be patient and not overly engage with her emotional (ie irrational) verbalizing. It's a very fine line that we tread between trying to enforce behavior standards and still let them express themselves during a time of confusion. Throw in some "I want to be independent" and we have a stinky stew. :confused:

[k2bdeutmeyer]

:iagree:

 

I have a teen boy, not a girl, but some boys go through the same "who am I and how do I fit into this world" process. Girls may be a bit more verbal, though.

 

I agree that it's normal and with the advice to be patient and not overly engage with her emotional (ie irrational) verbalizing. It's a very fine line that we tread between trying to enforce behavior standards and still let them express themselves during a time of confusion. Throw in some "I want to be independent" and we have a stinky stew. :confused:

 

I think not reacting emotionally is the key with her. It only escalates things. It is so, so, so hard though.

[Parrothead]

First of all, I think your dd is doing an amazing job of explaining complicated emotions via text. :D

 

Second, I don't see her reaction as particularly severe or rude, and I do wonder why no one stopped younger dd from pestering in the first place.

 

Generally speaking, it's going to be a very tense situation when a stepparent corrects a stepkid 'in favor of' the bio kid. It should be avoided at almost all costs. In this situation, dd12 was leaving the room, and I think him correcting her at that point was a big mistake. No one denies that she was being pestered, and no one stopped lil sis from doing so. I'd say leaving the room with one rude remark was a pretty good response.

 

Again, your dd is doing an amazing job of articulating her feelings: her dad has been replaced, she's only in the family as part of your package deal and not b/c she's wanted for herself, she's trying and is still being found wanting. Those are legitimate feelings, not necessarily a sign of anxiety or depression or self-centeredness. I'm not saying all of her feelings are accurate or true, but they are REAL, and they are reasonable (not just her being dramatic).

 

In this particular scenario, first fault goes to stepdad for not stopping the pestering (and to you, if you were also in the room). dd does a pretty-good-for-12 job of defusing things by leaving, but he amps things back up by correcting her. The comment about her annoying you and him all the time was spectacularly misguided, particularly to a stepkid, imo.

 

I'm not trying to discount all you say about her behavior at other times, but the fact is, that was not her behavior THIS time. Her behavior was pretty reasonable, and her later response was reasonable. And she is being open about what she feels and needs, in what is honestly a very non-melodramatic way for a 12 yr old stepkid, and I think you both really need to listen. She feels like her dad was replaced, and I'd be mighty surprised if she doesn't feel like she was replaced, with this easygoing kid who is still at the cute stage and who, let's face it, is the full bio kid.

 

Are you guys in family counseling, or would you consider it?

:iagree:Wholeheartedly. IMHO, your dh was out of line this time.

 

And no, your oldest's behavior doesn't sound normal. She sounds frustrated and alone in her fight for a place in your family.

[fairfarmhand]

I, then get a text from Shaylyn saying:

 

"I try to be nice and woopdeedo he's mad. Malea would no tleave me alone asking questions and hovering so finally I say I'm going downstairs, if you follow me......and he says woah stop and I know it was rude but I needed her to leave me alone for a second. He says well you don't annoy me and your mom all the time? I hate him. And he thinks I'm the one with a problem? I'm not trying anymore. I'm not getting anywhere. I give up. I'm done. Zip. Zilch. Zero. Nada.

 

And you always take HIS side no matter what. I came first. He isn't my dad. He replaced my dad. I'm nothing to him other than something that came with the package and I don't care anymore.

 

Why can't I be normal mom? With a normal set of parents. I just want a normal family. I just want it to be average."

 

So....low self esteem? Depression? Anxiety? Normal 12yr old? What do you make of this?

 

I'm tired.

 

This sounds just like my 14 yo dd with the exception of the stepdad stuff. I don't know if it is normal, but it is normal around here.

[happyWImom]

First,:grouphug::grouphug:

 

My dd has anxiety, OCD, and anger issues, so I feel for you. She's only 10, but the behavior seems similar.

 

I think a lot of it might be her issues, plus puberty. Even if she really loves & gets along with your dh, the step-thing can get kind of funny when they are certain ages. (I'm a step-mom)

 

I think this is normal, but how you deal with it will affect her. We have been listening to and using the techniques on some cd's from "Celebrate Calm". They are pricey, but soooo worth it, because they have really changed how we perceive certain situations with our dd and how we react & deal with her. http://celebratecalm.com/ What has been very helpful, is the cd that is specifically for the kids to listen to, and it has the author's son speaking.

 

I'm not saying that you need this, but it has helped us so much, I want to put the word out.

 

I hope things go smoother for you.:001_smile:

[jenn-]

 

Had I been home, I likely would've handled it very similarly (right or wrong, lol). I can't say whether I would've intervened on little DD or not. It depends on if she was truly pestering (even unintentionally) or if older DD was being unreasonable in her expectations. I suspect that older DD was playing her DS on the loveseat and younger DD was wanting to watch and was asking questions like "what happens if you go over there" or "who is that guy", that sort of thing. Based on past behavior, I would bet that older DD's request of little DD to stop was said in a very rude manner - I can't describe it. She has this way of sounding very harsh/rude/angry. At that point, I likely would have asked littled DD to back off and older DD to watch her tone.

 

Had things continued in the same manner, I can say for certain that I would've stopped her and corrected her tone/threat on the leaving comment. I agree, it probably wasn't the right time to bring up how she often does the same thing to me, however, knowing myself, I might have seen the opportunity for a teaching lesson while the emotions were still there and might have done the same. The point wasn't to say "well, you do it too" it was "remember how this feels"....although, admittedly, it probably wasn't good timing.

 

Regarding "blame".....I don't think any blame was put anywhere. We talked to DD later last night....we discussed a better way for handling the situation next time. She, on her own, stated that she didn't mean what she said (in the text) and that she was just frustrated with little DD. This is the normal pattern. She really is a very smart girl and can be so objective later. It is amazing for her age sometimes. I think I just get tired of every.little.thing escalating to that level of anger.

 

It usually means a mean outburst (to me) about DH and CONSTANT picking on her sister. She will ask her to play and then do anything she can think of to torture her (run out of the room and turn the light off knowing DD is scared of the dark, entice her to go somewhere only to run off and hide where DD can't find her, pick/pull/flick at her, grab food off her plate knowing it will make her scream, etc....).

 

Like I said, I think I'm just tired.

 

You have described a lot of how it sounds at our house on a bad day with my nearly 12yo dd. We also spend a lot of time keeping the littles from annoying her to death, but every so often she blows up. Mine would have been corrected about the threat as well, and the DS taken away for the night. If it had been earlier in the day, mine would be sentence to take a few laps around the block. This normally is all it takes for her to get her emotions back in check. It is amazing how rational she can be once she is back in check.

 

Is she on any meds for the ADD? DD was on Strattera for four months and OMG! was she horrible. Every day she had irrational outburst over everything! She knew they were irrational, but she couldn't stop herself from getting to that point. Now she is on Adderrall and life is much better. Now her irritation level seems more cyclical like it did before the Strattera. As puberty is gearing up, this doesn't surprise me as much.

[k2bdeutmeyer]

You have described a lot of how it sounds at our house on a bad day with my nearly 12yo dd. We also spend a lot of time keeping the littles from annoying her to death, but every so often she blows up. Mine would have been corrected about the threat as well, and the DS taken away for the night. If it had been earlier in the day, mine would be sentence to take a few laps around the block. This normally is all it takes for her to get her emotions back in check. It is amazing how rational she can be once she is back in check.

 

Is she on any meds for the ADD? DD was on Strattera for four months and OMG! was she horrible. Every day she had irrational outburst over everything! She knew they were irrational, but she couldn't stop herself from getting to that point. Now she is on Adderrall and life is much better. Now her irritation level seems more cyclical like it did before the Strattera. As puberty is gearing up, this doesn't surprise me as much.

 

We tried one (I can't remember off the top of my head what it was right now), but it made her dizzy. So, we switched her to Vyvanse. She loved it at first, but then the lack of appetite got to her, and she eventually became almost irritable on it. She kinda turned into a zombie. So, we pulled her off of it. We haven't tried anything else.

[ereks mom]

Sounds like she is not fond of her step-dad. I would allow her to openly discuss that with you but in no way would any child of mine talk that way. That would not be accepted and she would be in trouble for it. I would have time to talk and vent with her but make it clear that will not be tolerated.

 

:iagree:

[jenn-]

We tried one (I can't remember off the top of my head what it was right now), but it made her dizzy. So, we switched her to Vyvanse. She loved it at first, but then the lack of appetite got to her, and she eventually became almost irritable on it. She kinda turned into a zombie. So, we pulled her off of it. We haven't tried anything else.

 

Sometimes it takes a lot of trial and error between dosing and type. If the Vyvanse was working, you might want to just ask for a lower dose.

[Journey]

Two things....first of all (and not as important right now) that 5 yo needs to be taught some boundries. Your older daughter told her to knock it off and she didn't she kept it up...that would annoy me and i'm nowhere near 12 years old. Secondly but really the most important is that i can guarantee that your older daughter is jealous of your younger daughter and that the younger one has her mother and father living with her. Of course your husband is going to TRY to treat the older girl kindly and with respect but he can't 100% of the time. I have a 24 year old who still feels jealous of her father's new children. She feels like a second class citizen and it breaks my heart. I am willing to be the farm (that i don't even own) that your daughter is jealous and doesn't know how to handle those feelings. Honestly, i can see my daughter doing the very same thing.

[*********]

First of all, I think your dd is doing an amazing job of explaining complicated emotions via text. :D

 

Second, I don't see her reaction as particularly severe or rude, and I do wonder why no one stopped younger dd from pestering in the first place.

 

Generally speaking, it's going to be a very tense situation when a stepparent corrects a stepkid 'in favor of' the bio kid. It should be avoided at almost all costs. In this situation, dd12 was leaving the room, and I think him correcting her at that point was a big mistake. No one denies that she was being pestered, and no one stopped lil sis from doing so. I'd say leaving the room with one rude remark was a pretty good response.

 

Again, your dd is doing an amazing job of articulating her feelings: her dad has been replaced, she's only in the family as part of your package deal and not b/c she's wanted for herself, she's trying and is still being found wanting. Those are legitimate feelings, not necessarily a sign of anxiety or depression or self-centeredness. I'm not saying all of her feelings are accurate or true, but they are REAL, and they are reasonable (not just her being dramatic).

 

In this particular scenario, first fault goes to stepdad for not stopping the pestering (and to you, if you were also in the room). dd does a pretty-good-for-12 job of defusing things by leaving, but he amps things back up by correcting her. The comment about her annoying you and him all the time was spectacularly misguided, particularly to a stepkid, imo.

 

I'm not trying to discount all you say about her behavior at other times, but the fact is, that was not her behavior THIS time. Her behavior was pretty reasonable, and her later response was reasonable. And she is being open about what she feels and needs, in what is honestly a very non-melodramatic way for a 12 yr old stepkid, and I think you both really need to listen. She feels like her dad was replaced, and I'd be mighty surprised if she doesn't feel like she was replaced, with this easygoing kid who is still at the cute stage and who, let's face it, is the full bio kid.

 

Are you guys in family counseling, or would you consider it?

 

See, I really disagree with the bolded. I think Denise said she heard the same sort of advice on Dr. Phil. What I think is important is that the stepparent needs to invest lots of time into building a good solid loving relationship with the stepchild. The relationship needs to be about *more* than just correcting. Of course that's true even with biokids; but stepkids, IME, need it even more. Then you have some sort of foundation of "Stepmom/dad does love me, even if they have to correct me" going on. I do NOT agree in most situations that a stepparent should not 'parent' or correct their stepchildren. There are many hours where dad is gone here, and I'm the parent in charge. Should I then have no control over my stepkids? Should I not ensure that they treat their little brothers well, just as I ensure little brothers are good to them? I think not.

 

I was actually not home when this happened. I had run to the store for a few things.

 

Had I been home, I likely would've handled it very similarly (right or wrong, lol). I can't say whether I would've intervened on little DD or not. It depends on if she was truly pestering (even unintentionally) or if older DD was being unreasonable in her expectations. I suspect that older DD was playing her DS on the loveseat and younger DD was wanting to watch and was asking questions like "what happens if you go over there" or "who is that guy", that sort of thing. Based on past behavior, I would bet that older DD's request of little DD to stop was said in a very rude manner - I can't describe it. She has this way of sounding very harsh/rude/angry. At that point, I likely would have asked littled DD to back off and older DD to watch her tone.

 

Had things continued in the same manner, I can say for certain that I would've stopped her and corrected her tone/threat on the leaving comment. I agree, it probably wasn't the right time to bring up how she often does the same thing to me, however, knowing myself, I might have seen the opportunity for a teaching lesson while the emotions were still there and might have done the same. The point wasn't to say "well, you do it too" it was "remember how this feels"....although, admittedly, it probably wasn't good timing.

 

Regarding "blame".....I don't think any blame was put anywhere. We talked to DD later last night....we discussed a better way for handling the situation next time. She, on her own, stated that she didn't mean what she said (in the text) and that she was just frustrated with little DD. This is the normal pattern. She really is a very smart girl and can be so objective later. It is amazing for her age sometimes. I think I just get tired of every.little.thing escalating to that level of anger.

 

It usually means a mean outburst (to me) about DH and CONSTANT picking on her sister. She will ask her to play and then do anything she can think of to torture her (run out of the room and turn the light off knowing DD is scared of the dark, entice her to go somewhere only to run off and hide where DD can't find her, pick/pull/flick at her, grab food off her plate knowing it will make her scream, etc....).

 

Like I said, I think I'm just tired.

 

Kristin, regarding the bolded:

 

Oh my goodness, you have no idea how familiar this sounds! :tongue_smilie: My boys adore my stepson; he's looked up to by them almost as much as daddy. :D They LOVE to watch when he plays his ds. And for the most part, it's ok. But dss does get annoyed with them sometimes. Sometimes it's because they're being annoying, :tongue_smilie:, and sometimes it's because he's having a hard time with a level or something, so he's irritated and takes it out on them. I make sure to talk to ALL of them equally about their behaviour. The little boys are asked to be quite if they want to watch. And dss is instructed to POLITELY say "Please don't watch me right now" if he wants a break; and little brothers must respect that. It's taken a lot of consistent instruction to get to this place. Dss used to be downright rude and mean about it, which resulted in hurt feelings by the little boys. On the other hand, the little boys were completely driving him batty sometimes, and needed to back off. They all three needed to be given explicit instructions on how to handle the situation, and after plenty of time to paractice those instructions, there were consequences for anyone who did not follow them.

 

Dss also has the top bunk in the boys room, where his brothers are not allowed to go. He can always go there to be by himself. He will soon be moving into his own room, which will be even better for him. Sounds like perhaps your dd needs the same maybe? I understand not every kid has (or needs) their own room, but I'm betting she has her own bed. Perhaps make it clear that she can always go there to get 'away', and make it clear that siblings are not allowed on her bed unless invited by her. Also work a lot on training your younger daughter on respecting your older daughter's request to either be quiet or leave her alone in these sorts of situations, as well as training the older one on polite ways to address that with her sister.

 

Yes, your dh should have stepped in when older daughter asked younger daughter to leave her alone the first time. That's why she felt slighted. Add to that the 'oh yeah, like you never do that to us?' bit, and I can see how that hurt her feelings. It's all in tone and delivery, you know? I could see using the situation as a teaching moment, but the fact that younger dd was left out of the 'instruction' made the situation seem unfair to older dd.

 

:grouphug: Just some thoughts.

[kalanamak]

 

He said, and it makes sense, that the step parent does NOT parent a step child. you married your dh, your dd did not.

 

 

By this logic you don't parent your own child, because your child didn't ask to be born to you.

 

Given the divorce rate, step parents are becoming the norm, and I've seen many really good, close step-families with grateful children who adore their step parent. But those don't make Dr. Phil.

[MomatHWTK]

I would imagine it's very upsetting for a 12 year old child to have her mommy's husband tell her that she annoys her mother. :confused:

[AvasMom]

I have a 12-yo girl and it sounds perfectly normal to me, to be honest. Your DD is just being more open and verbal about it. My DD clams up but is clearly mad and won't have anything to do with whoever made her mad until she calms down. She will sometimes write down her feelings and yes, it includes things like I HATE MOM, if she is mad at me.

 

Does she have a private place of her own to go whenever she needs to? My DD will retreat to her room until she is in a better place, emotionally, to handle being around other non-perfect humans.

 

Pegasus

 

:iagree: My dd13 is a Pollyanna child...big time. And even she snaps at her little brother when he bounces on her nerves like that. I think she felt very frustrated because all she tried to do was get her sister to bug off and she's in trouble for it. Seems pretty normal that that would stir up other negative emotions toward her stepdad.

[k2bdeutmeyer]

First of all...thanks to all for your input.

 

 

That being said, I wanted to clarify a few things. Older DD does have her own room in the basement. She is free to go there whenever she wishes. Nobody was objecting to her exit, it was only HOW she did it (the rude comment). Right or wrong, I would've called her (or any of my children) on it too.

 

Second, I am also the child of a divorced family (divorced at 8yr). I had step parents and half siblings 11+ years younger than me. I'm not oblivious to that life and the perils that come with it.

 

Regarding little DD's behavior. I feel a bit like it's being misinterpreted as misbehavior. No matter who the one asking questions was, I would feel the same. It was innocent....and not meant to annoy. I feel her only wrongdoing in this situation was not stopping when asked. All of my children interact with each other when engaged in activities....it's the nature of being part of the family. I don't feel like any of my children should be exempt from that. Now, if you want some alone/quiet time.....they are all allowed that whenever they wish, but it should be stated that way....or done somewhere that allows for that (their room).

 

I don't know if that makes sense, but I guess I'm trying to say that I don't think that just because she's older, oldest DD has the "right" to only have her siblings interact with her when she says it's okay. If we're sitting in the living room or a family area, then, it's only reasonable to expect that the family will engage with you. Myself included. Yes, little DD should've stopped when asked, but I don't believe her behavior was out of control or intentionally done to bother oldest DD. She was genuinely curious about what DD was playing.

 

My question was with regard to oldest's reaction. Whether it was within the scope of normal pre-teen behavior, or if maybe we needed to take a closer look at her frustration management.

[Joker]

That being said, I wanted to clarify a few things. Older DD does have her own room in the basement. She is free to go there whenever she wishes. Nobody was objecting to her exit, it was only HOW she did it (the rude comment). Right or wrong, I would've called her (or any of my children) on it too.

 

 

Regarding little DD's behavior. I feel a bit like it's being misinterpreted as misbehavior. No matter who the one asking questions was, I would feel the same. It was innocent....and not meant to annoy. I feel her only wrongdoing in this situation was not stopping when asked. All of my children interact with each other when engaged in activities....it's the nature of being part of the family. I don't feel like any of my children should be exempt from that. Now, if you want some alone/quiet time.....they are all allowed that whenever they wish, but it should be stated that way....or done somewhere that allows for that (their room).

 

I don't know if that makes sense, but I guess I'm trying to say that I don't think that just because she's older, oldest DD has the "right" to only have her siblings interact with her when she says it's okay. If we're sitting in the living room or a family area, then, it's only reasonable to expect that the family will engage with you. Myself included. Yes, little DD should've stopped when asked, but I don't believe her behavior was out of control or intentionally done to bother oldest DD. She was genuinely curious about what DD was playing.

 

 

Maybe you could rethink the above. I don't really understand why the only place in her home she can free of being pestered, annoyed, or bothered is her own room.

 

This morning older dd was reading in the family room and younger dd started bothering her. After the third time, I stepped in and informed younger she needed to leave older alone because she was reading. I never would have thought older should go to her room and be alone. Sometimes, they want to do things alone but while still being around and a part of the family. (if that makes any sense...)

[k2bdeutmeyer]

Maybe you could rethink the above. I don't really understand why the only place in her home she can free of being pestered, annoyed, or bothered is her own room.

 

This morning older dd was reading in the family room and younger dd started bothering her. After the third time, I stepped in and informed younger she needed to leave older alone because she was reading. I never would have thought older should go to her room and be alone. Sometimes, they want to do things alone but while still being around and a part of the family. (if that makes any sense...)

 

 

No, I agree. I felt like some were saying that little DD shouldn't have been talking to her in the first place. I think that if you're in the family area, that comes with the territory, however if one is asked to stop or told that the person they are "bothering" is busy, they should listen (which is where little DD went wrong).

[bolt.]

In my opinion and expereince, very few people (adult or child) are capable of learning well when they are emotionally upset. That's why I reccomend not trying to teach a child what they are doing wrong if they are doing the wrong thing because they are emotionally upset... while they are in the midst of being upset.

 

If a child chooses harsh and rude words because they are emotionally upset, they are not likely to be able to learn (in that moment) what the problem with their choice was, what they could have chosen instead, and which strategies would help them to make a better choice another time. I think it's best to bring things up later, kindly and calmly, and work through all the better ideas of what to do. Then you can be a good listener, and so can she, and you can problem-solve together.

 

So, I'd have let her walk away, then had a big talk about 'when things like that happen' at a really good moment, sometime in the next 2-3 days. Make plans and practice them -- even to the point of staging a do-over of the exact incident. The extent of this conversation (while not unpleasant) will show her how seriously you are taking her conduct in a way that intervening in the moment just can't. It also actually imparts useful skills for similar incidents in the future. It doesn't feel like 'trouble' it feels like help.

 

So letting her walk away (even though there was a real problem with her word choice) would be an important part of my strategy. ((If she was continuing to be belligerent, I would stop her and make her walk away -- just to put an end to the incident, so it could be over and we could talk later. I wouldn't start the 'why you can't act like that' conversation at the time.))

 

I also agree with the perspective that step-parents must establish relationship of trust with a child before they can do more than the simplest parenting tasks (go to bed, don't touch that -- etc -- the sort of authority a nanny has). Not only was delaying her angry exit to try and teach her something a strategy unlikely to be effective -- it was also unnecessary because it's just not one of those simple interventions that can't wait for the parent she has a trust relationship with to take care of.

 

Her behaviour was definitely within normal pre-teen emotionality -- but there are still lots of things you can do to help her choose what to do with her words when she has a frustrated feeling.

 

I do think your dd5 can be taught some 'how to tell when your talking/questions are unwelcome' sort of skills. That's an important part of manners and interpersonal courtesy that is age-appropreate for her right now. It's not that she's 'in the wrong' -- just that she could get better at this skill set, and then your life (and hers) would be better, so it's worth the effort. In my family, we try not to talk to others when it's unwelcome because that's a way of showing kindness. Being left alone in public spaces is not a 'right' but it is a courtesy.

[Anne in CA]

She is a smart, funny girl....really , but she makes it very hard to love on her.

Also wanted to add...this carries over into other aspects of her life too. She's fine in outside activities until she's not the golden child. As soon as she is treated equally she gets upset & we start a battle of wills with the coach/teacher.

 

This is an issue I had with my step dd. It was exhausting. The year after she graduated I was worn down to nothing.

 

I do think part of the reason for my step dd wanting so much control was that the loss of her original family when she was tiny, (eighteen months old) was very hard on her, and she has a deep need for control. Before her dad and I married she did some very real growing up and it is hard to ungrow and be age appropriate.

 

When I take into account that her natural personality is very different from mine, my dh's and our two bio children I have a deep compassion for my step dd having to deal with all of us. But she was always ungrateful and unkind to me, until she had been living away from home for two years. Now she chooses to spend Mother's Day with me and she is very nice to me. But she was 19 before that happened.

 

But I do suspect that at some point your dd felt that she had "grown up" and that the two of you were partners and she is resentful of your dh for inserting himself. Feeling grateful for the support he provides is not something many 12yo girls would be capable of, and so she is angry at being usurped. Empathy for her is key, without getting manipulated by her queen bee behavior.

[k2bdeutmeyer]

This is an issue I had with my step dd. It was exhausting. The year after she graduated I was worn down to nothing.

 

I do think part of the reason for my step dd wanting so much control was that the loss of her original family when she was tiny, (eighteen months old) was very hard on her, and she has a deep need for control. Before her dad and I married she did some very real growing up and it is hard to ungrow and be age appropriate.

 

When I take into account that her natural personality is very different from mine, my dh's and our two bio children I have a deep compassion for my step dd having to deal with all of us. But she was always ungrateful and unkind to me, until she had been living away from home for two years. Now she chooses to spend Mother's Day with me and she is very nice to me. But she was 19 before that happened.

 

But I do suspect that at some point your dd felt that she had "grown up" and that the two of you were partners and she is resentful of your dh for inserting himself. Feeling grateful for the support he provides is not something many 12yo girls would be capable of, and so she is angry at being usurped. Empathy for her is key, without getting manipulated by her queen bee behavior.

 

You hit the nail on the head! Thank you.