GWOB Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 This will be long, ranty, and sometimes whiny. Be forewarned. My Dad's birthday is Saturday. I know I should call him, but I haven't spoken to him (or my mother) since before Christmas. Before Thanksgiving my Mom went nuts. Again.:glare: My Dad was working about 7 hours away. Mom went loopy and accused Dad, who is 63, of having an affair with a close friend. Close friend lives in the same town as my parents. How my Dad was conducting this affair I just do not know. Also, my Dad has COPD. He cannot walk up a short flight of stairs without getting winded. Again, I don't know how he was conducting this affair. Anyway, Mom dragged everyone into this fight, all the while saying she didn't want to start any drama. It was a huge mess. Lots of bad names and accusations were thrown at my Dad and at me. Because everything is my fault;). I finally had enough of being in the middle of yet another one of their fights. Mom sent me an extremely manipulative text. I told her not to contact me again until she stabilized mentally. She called me crazy and hasn't spoken to me since. The whole time this drama was occurring, we were supposed to be planning a Christmas gathering at a cabin halfway between their place and mine. After this drama, my Dad put me in charge of making all the plans. Now, I honestly think my Dad did this to transfer the momma drama from himself to me. Mom is never satisfied with anything. She would have complained about the cabin, the location, the bed, the activities/lack of activities, etc.. Since I didn't want that drama, I backed out and decided to stay home. That's when my Dad stopped calling. I didn't play into his plans to throw me under the bus, so I was no longer useful to him. Recently, I was beginning to think I should try to speak to them again. Nevermind the fact that they were extremely physically abusive when I was a kid. Nevermind the fact that they have always been emotionally and verbally abusive. This is just our pattern. They behave for a while and I reward them with contact. When they start crossing those boundaries, I remove myself and my kids from their lives. I should call and be a good daughter. Here's the deal. My middle sis is knocked up. Yes, knocked up. She tried to hide her pregnancy until she finally came clean about 3 weeks ago. She, and I quote, never took a test. She just missed a few periods, got fat, and thought she had maybe 3 months to go. Never went to the doctor. Never stopped drinking and smoking (and God knows what else). Her baby daddy is a lying, cheating, drug-dealing alcoholic. Seriously. No joking here. Thankfully, due to the lack of contact, I have not been sucked into this drama. Of course, it is still my fault. Mom told baby sis that middle sis is preggo because we always look down on her (middle sis). I know the Christian thing to do is to call my Dad and wish him a happy birthday. But I just feel like I can't do that right now. I'm angry because my parents are bending over backwards to buy middle sis a trailer so she can have a place to live with the baby and idiot baby daddy. When I got knocked up (with future dh's kid, and dh had a job and was not a lying, cheating, alcoholic druggie) I was made to feel lower than a dog. I got every name in the book thrown at me. I received no help whatsoever. I guess I just need some wise women to tell me I am doing the right thing by staying away. I need someone to tell me I am strong and I can still be a decent person without calling my Dad. I need a hug. This installment of Crazytown USA has been brought to you by the letter "I" for idiots. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
k2bdeutmeyer Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 I don't have any advice really, but.....I can offer you :grouphug: and more :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 Stay away. Stay faaaaaaar away. These people are toxic, and it is best for you and your family to stay away from toxic. Would you knowingly and purposely move your family next to a nuclear reactor? No? It's the same thing with toxic people. I just wanted to add that unfortunately, you can't choose who your family is, so there is nothing to feel guilty about. Now that you are an adult you CAN choose if you associate with them, or not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GWOB Posted March 9, 2012 Author Share Posted March 9, 2012 Stay away. Stay faaaaaaar away. These people are toxic, and it is best for you and your family to stay away from toxic. Would you knowingly and purposely move your family next to a nuclear reactor? No? It's the same thing with toxic people. :lol: Ummm..... Dh works at a nuclear reactor. We live 5 miles away. I feel much safer near that than I do near my psychotic family!:lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 I'd send a card. Not call. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hen Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 I think you are healthier, and your kids are healthier staying as low contact or no contact as you can. Trying to be a "good daughter" to destructive parents is just going to frustrate you and make you a target. you might want to check out the Daughters of Narcissists website. You sound like the scapegoat. hugs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
********* Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 I'd send a card. Not call. Yes yes, do this. And wow, your family sounds almost as dysfunctional as mine. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GWOB Posted March 9, 2012 Author Share Posted March 9, 2012 Yes yes, do this. And wow, your family sounds almost as dysfunctional as mine. :grouphug: :grouphug: My family would make Jerry Springer blush. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
k2bdeutmeyer Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 I'd send a card. Not call. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 Another vote for a card. You can write a note in it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 Do whatever feels right for you. If you feel the need to acknowlege his birthday, I agree w/a card rather than call. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 would it work to send a card? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 Send a card. Keep any note inside brief. Stay away. Pm me if you want to chat more. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GWOB Posted March 9, 2012 Author Share Posted March 9, 2012 A card would have worked if I would have sent it earlier. If I send it now it will arrive after his birthday. Then I will be the horrible daughter that did not even have the decency to send a card on time. Basically, whatever I do it will be wrong. Maybe a Birthday text? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
********* Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 A card would have worked if I would have sent it earlier. If I send it now it will arrive after his birthday. Then I will be the horrible daughter that did not even have the decency to send a card on time. Basically, whatever I do it will be wrong. Maybe a Birthday text? Text would work. Or email. Or fb message/post. Oh! Or send him an e-card! That would be good! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 :lol: Ummm..... Dh works at a nuclear reactor. We live 5 miles away. I feel much safer near that than I do near my psychotic family!:lol: :lol::lol: Hello mouth, this is foot. I'm still glad you don't live right next door to the reactor. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyinTN Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 Send the card, but nothing more. You are not alone in the dysfunctional area. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
readinmom Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 I'm going to be the naysayer here... Call him. It's your dad and it's his birthday. A phone call means that you are thinking of him, just like a card, but nothing can replace the real contact. It doesn't mean that you are starting up a relationship with your mom or anyone else. It's been two years since my dad died and I miss talking to him. I didn't agree with how he bailed out my sister time and time again...and probably will never understand why. I do know that I talked with him often and I'm glad that I did. It's my dad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GWOB Posted March 9, 2012 Author Share Posted March 9, 2012 Maybe an ecard with a saying from here http://www.worthyofpublishing.com/chapter.asp?chapter_ID=76927 I'm going to be the naysayer here... Call him. It's your dad and it's his birthday. A phone call means that you are thinking of him, just like a card, but nothing can replace the real contact. It doesn't mean that you are starting up a relationship with your mom or anyone else. It's been two years since my dad died and I miss talking to him. I didn't agree with how he bailed out my sister time and time again...and probably will never understand why. I do know that I talked with him often and I'm glad that I did. It's my dad. I understand where you are coming from, and I am sorry for your loss. However, my dad is just as toxic as my mom. He too has insulted me, my dh, and my kids. He just isn't the dad I need or want. I know he is the only dad I will ever have, but he just hurts me. Constantly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peaceful Isle Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 You know, it sounds like your not going to win, no matter what you do. There are just some people who can never be satisfied. I know it's hard not to second guess yourself, but just do what you feel is right, and don't look back. If you want to send a card, and you know it will be late, you could send a tx on his bday, and say "a card is on it's way" just to ease your mind. But remember, these type of people are never happy, no matter what you do. - lose lose situation. Then move on to bigger and better things. Sounds like you have been through a lot in your childhood. I'm so sorry, and I can honestly say I understand. Just stand on the truth and don't let their manipulation get to you. It's tricky not to second guess yourself, I know. It's probably hard for you to wrap your head around a lot of things right now, but just try stand strong and don't let them hurt you anymore. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Lulu* Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 I think either an e-card or a card via the post office is sufficient. I have found when I know I can not do right in someone's opinion that it is comforting to know that I did what I believed was right. If you believe a call is right, make a call. If you believe a card is right, send a card. All the details of the possible reactions and fallout are just background noise. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shawna in Texas Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 I would've stopped calling/writing/texting years ago. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shellers Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 I'd send a card. Not call. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 I think either an e-card or a card via the post office is sufficient. I have found when I know I can not do right in someone's opinion that it is comforting to know that I did what I believed was right. If you believe a call is right, make a call. If you believe a card is right, send a card. All the details of the possible reactions and fallout are just background noise. :grouphug: :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 I'd send a card. Not call. :iagree::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truscifi Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 I would've stopped calling/writing/texting years ago. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddykate Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 I am so sorry that you have had to deal with this type of drama from your family. :grouphug: Just some thoughts to consider: How will you feel if you send a card and it is not acknowledged? How will you feel if you call and you are not received well? How will you feel if you do nothing at all that day? Will you be miserable or can you act as if it just another day? I have dealt with issues from my dh's family and had to finally realize that when I kept putting myself "out there", it was only affecting me. My expectations were never met and I was the only one hurt every single time. They did not care what they were doing to me and did not see any reason to change their behavior. It was when I finally realized that I have more value than to continue allowing myself to be treated that way, that I could stop feeling like I needed to do something else to try to mend the ways. It is still a work in progress, but I am getting there. Hope you find peace with whatever you decide to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In the Rain Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 A card seems easier than a call. Doing nothing would be understandable also. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
awisha. Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 I agree with the card/e-card suggestion. And also lots of :grouphug: for you and your family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommy22alyns Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 :grouphug: I have BTDT, not exactly the same, but with parents and a sister... I would honestly keep contact cut off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
readinmom Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 Didn't realize that dad was toxic, also. The e-card would suffice, then. Sometimes we just can't have the relationship that we want with loved ones. Our idea of what family is and should be differ so greatly... Good luck and I'll keep you in our prayers:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom0012 Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 I'd send a card. Not call. :iagree: Lisa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyfaithe Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 A Christian should forgive, but not invite craziness back in. Forgiveness does not always include reconciliation, especially with unrepentant abusers. I would just stay away. Send a card snail mail if you are moved to do so, but don't feel obligated. Toxic people, even relatives, do not deserve access to our families, especially our kids. Faithe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shannon in TN Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 I'd send a card. Not call. Text would work. Or email. Or fb message/post. Oh! Or send him an e-card! That would be good! I agree with both of these but it sounds like no matter what you do, they will make you out to be the evil daughter who didn't care enough to (insert something here). You could throw him a big surprise birthday bash and buy him a new car and it wouldn't be the right car or the right people wouldn't be invited. I'm so sorry this is your situation. I think the right thing to do is acknowledge the birthday somehow (call/text/ecard) and move on as best you can knowing you did the right thing, but expecting some kind of backlash from it - even if that backlash is the silent treatment, and they don't respond at all, like a pp mentioned. Although, to be honest, there's a snarky part of me that wouldn't do anything at all. Like another pp said, these people are toxic and you don't need that in your life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
craftymama Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 I haven't read all the responses, but here's something to consider. You have your own family with kids and they should be your priority. If the drama from your parents affects them at all in a negative way then you are simply putting being a good mom above being a good daughter. I don't think anyone can fault you for that. And if they chose to continue down their chosen path you do not have to keep them company. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RoughCollie Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 I'd send a card. Not call. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GingerPoppy Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 What about sending a card express mail or whatever will get there fast enough? That covers the base of it getting there in time, eases your guilt (for a mere $10 or so! What a deal!), and you won't have to talk to him in person. If it was me, I'd very carefully choose just the *right* card. There's no way I'd let it be a flowery "To My Loving Dad" type of card. Just an ordinary Happy Birthday. I'd add a note saying that I hope his year is full of much peace and joy (because that really would be what I would hope). But no mush. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 I'd send a card. Not call. :iagree: I'm not sure that Hallmark makes a "Happy Birthday! Sorry you live with a psychotic whacko" card, but maybe a nice ne with a picture of Snoopy as Joe Cool would work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.